320: The Emperor Strikes Wack [Season 3 Finale]
Nermut gets a promotion.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT-5 with a special announcement. The following episode is our supersized season 3 finale. A 7th Octomester-sized thank you to our supporters on Maximum Fun for making this season possible. Can't live without Zyxx in the off-season? Same, same. Consider becoming a MaxFun member, where you'll get enough great bonus content to keep you all dusted up until season 4, with brand new mailbags, live episodes, and more in the coming weeks. And now, enjoy the final episode of season 3.
NARRATOR: Well, we're back where we started. In Holowood, and in a juckload of trouble. Our intrepid crew has worked tirelessly for months, assembling the pieces of a new insurgency to defeat Emperor Nermut Bundaloy. But their time has run out. In a crowded Holowood courtroom, the Bargarean Jade awaits the verdict in her trial for financial murder. C-53 has encountered a critical error, and the birth of Dar's offspring is imminent. The fabled Zimas have proven to be little help, and the evil Sparks Knights grow in power every day. Even AJ's tube has broken. Now, Papa Pleck Decksetter must gather his courage, his friends, and his Dinglehopper, and take down the Emperor before it's too late. Will he fulfill his destiny at last? The answers await them on their Mission to Zyxx.
[intro music, Holowood ambience]
AJ: Whoa, Papa. Things are still pretty crazy, right?
PLECK: Well, yeah, I mean--
AJ: It's just been kind of like a-- just a plateau of--
PLECK: Yeah, I--
AJ: I mean, Dar's in labor? Dar, how you doing?
DAR: [screaming]
AJ: Yeah. Mr. Robot Man is–
PLECK: Dar…
C-53: [glitching]
PLECK: Stop turning him on. It's-- whenever you turn him on, it's the same thing.
AJ: I'm turning him off and then turning him on.
PLECK: That doesn't always work.
DAR: Pleck.
PLECK: What-- what-- what, Dar, what can I get-- what can I get for you?
DAR: We need C.
PLECK: I mean–
DAR: C edited his protocol so he could deliver the sentient, and now he can't.
PLECK: I-- I know. I don't– AJ, stop turning-- no, turn-- turn him off.
AH: All right, yeah, sorry. He's the only one who knows what to do!
PLECK: I-- I know, I know.
AJ: Dar, how's it going? How you feeling?
DAR: I need you to come closer.
PLECK: Uh, both-- both of us, or--
DAR: Both of you, closer.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Dar, it's--
DAR: Just one-- one tiny step closer.
PLECK: Okay, all right, yeah.
DAR: GRAB.
AJ AND PLECK: Whoa!
DAR: I want you both to know this pain you're feeling right now as I squeeze your tight, Tellurian bodies is nothing compared to how I'm feeling right now.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: Dar, uh, Dar, listen, we are here for you. Anything you need besides doing that again, we will be here for you to do it.
AJ: Oh, hey, guys, you notice that there's, like, a courtroom outside the window? Usually it's space.
PLECK: What?
DAR: Wha?
AJ: But now it's a courtroom.
PLECK: Is that Sammo and Wink out there?
AJ: Who?
PLECK: They’re old friends. Are they having the trial already? I feel like they just arrested Bargie. How did they get–
AJ: This is crazy! It's like everything's going wrong!
PLECK: AJ, AJ, you–
BARGIE: Hey, hey, hey!
PLECK: What? What?
BARGIE: [through gritted teeth] I’m just supposed to smile and be quiet. So don't even say my name.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
[knock on the door]
AJ: Oh, there's a knock.
PLECK: Oh, boy. Uh, Bargie, can you open the hatch?
BARGIE: All right, but I’m doing it really silently.
[hatch opens]
BARGIE: Sh! Sh! Sh!
PLECK: That wasn't--that was pretty much the same volume as always.
AJ: That klaxon is just loud.
PLECK: Yeah. Hello?
HORSEHAT: Hello. I am doula. For Dar.
PLECK: Oh, you're--you're Dar's doula?
HORSEHAT: I'm Dar's doula.
PLECK: Uh, great. Uh, yeah, come on in.
AJ: Dar, your doula’s here!
PLECK: Okay, AJ, just relax. This is--this is--it's supposed to be a calm-
DAR: Oh, wow. Is anyone else really-- Ooh, getting hot.
PLECK: Oh, boy, wow.
HORSEHAT: Dar, I’ve been sent here to see you when you are about to have your child.
DAR: Is it supposed to feel this way?
HORSEHAT: Yes. A horror, the worst pain you've ever had in your life.
AJ: She's good.
HORSEHAT: The pain, the blowod, the--the hole that would be ripped inside of you and never bring back together.
AJ: The blowo-What's blowod?
PLECK: I think she said blood.
DAR: [groans]
AJ: Uh, beautiful.
DAR: It progresses to that?
HORSEHAT: Think of the pain you never wanted and then think of it happening five times.
AJ: It's so beautiful when you really think about it. It's just beautiful.
PLECK: AJ, you're not being helpful right now.
AJ: Papa, I feel so powerless right now!
PLECK:I know, me too, AJ.
AJ: Everything bad is happening.
HORSEHAT: Now breathe like me, okay, Dar?
DAR: Okay, okay.
HORSEHAT: Follow my broad.
DAR: Your broad?
DAR: Ooh, ooh ah! Uh... By the way, doula.
HORSEHAT: My name is Horsehat.
DAR: Horsehat?
PLECK: You know, AJ, I gotta say, everything is so crazy right now that I really expected Horsehat to have, like, a weird name, but, I mean, it was just kind of a relief to hear, like, a normal, common name.
AJ: It's just like, oh, finally some normalcy. Thank Rodd.
PLECK: Yeah, Horsehat.
AJ: It's just like, it's the weird little thing.
PLECK: You just need something to hold on to that's like, oh, at least her name is Horsehat.
AJ: At least the massive blob of tentacles is named Horsehat.
HORSEHAT: And then go... [Hissing] Like a cat. [Barking]
DAR: I'm sorry. Okay, Horsehat, who sent you?
HORSEHAT: I the parent.
DAR: No, I did not request you, so I don't know why you're here.
HORSEHAT: Very small, very small.
AJ: Oh, the lizard.
HORSEHAT: Yes, the lizard. It was a lizard.
PLECK: His name is Nermut, AJ. We say it like six times a mission.
HORSEHAT: And the lizard said, "Take care of my Dar, for there is only one Dar.” Now, where are the knives?
PLECK: Okay, all right, listen.
HORSEHAT: I need thing that is sharp. Give it to me.
PLECK: Oh, wow, okay, well, you know, Horsehat, when wielded correctly, the Dinglehopper can be a formidable weapon.
DAR: Oh, I'm going to bite down on that.
PLECK: Oh, no, no, oh.
AJ: Yeah, it's all right, Papa hasn't gotten it to really work. Remember when Marv could make it glow, and it was awesome?
PLECK: Okay, I made it glow when I freed Kor Balevore from his bonds of space.
AJ: Yeah, but that was like an evil thing.
HORSEHAT Dar, I'm going to go up one of your flaps right now.
AJ: Oh my Rodd.
PLECK: Oh, boy.
AJ: Look at her go.
DAR: Wow, wow, honestly, I hope this means that Horsehat can just pull the being right out, and we don't have to waste any more time with labor.
[knock]
AJ: Papa, I got another knock. Yo, Barge, can you just-- just another crickety-crack of the door? The hatch?
BARGIE: I'm looking innocent right now.
PLECK: Okay, Bargie.
BARGIE: Oh fine, opening up my hatch.
NERMUT: I’M COMING DAR!
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: Hey, guys.
PLECK: Oh, hey, Nermut.
AJ: Hey, this Papa Decksetter. We have an incoming the lizard.
NERMUT: No, I'm here, I'm here.
AJ: Right, but we always say that.
NERMUT: I know, you'd say that when I'd call. Pleck, hi!
PLECK: Okay, Nermut. Great to see you. What's going-- how did you get--
NERMUT: I had to come 'cause Dar's in labor, and guys, I don't know if the trial is going well out there.
DAR: Hey, Nermut, labor is such a breeze. How are you?
PLECK: Keep your distance, Nermut. Dar is very hot right now.
NERMUT: No, hot stuff is my chill zone.
PLECK:: What do you mean?
NERMUT: Like, that's how I chill out, is in the-- remember on Gilgesh? In my chill zone. It's like my heat rock--
PLECK: Yeah, I heard the song. I wasn't a fan, honestly.
NERMUT: In my chill zone.
DAR: UGhhHHHH…
NERMUT: Okay, I got three collated copies of the birth plan that I want--
AJ: Those are on fire. Extinguisher time, baby. Let's extinguish ‘em!
NERMUT: Thank you. Is Horsehat here?
PLECK: Yeah, Horsehat’s-- Horsehat’s actually inside Dar right now.
DAR: Yeah, at the moment, Horsehat’s just rooting around.
AJ: You can see Horsehat just kind of like swimming around in there.
NERMUT: Okay, here's one singed copy of the birth plan for Horsehat. Here's one for you, Dar, and I have one. Okay, we're gonna start on page one.
AJ: What a nerd, am I right?
HORSEHAT: I found a book!
PLECK: Oh, a book?
HORSEHAT: You would be keeping books inside of you?
DAR: Wait, no, no, no, those are just my bodice rippers.
PLECK: Oh, Dar, you shouldn't keep those inside your body.
HORSEHAT: They impede the being from coming out.
NERMUT: And are probably overdue from the library.
PLECK: Yeah, we should return those.
AJ: I think I should turn the robot back on, right?
PLECK: No, stop.
C-53: [robot noises]
PLECK: Stop. Stop turning on C-53.
AJ: So what do you think, Robot Man, what should we do?
PLECK: All right, Dar, Nermut and Horsehat, listen, you know, AJ and I are gonna go try to fix C-53. Let us know if you need anything, okay?
NERMUT: Okay, okay.
HORSEHAT: I'm going back in!
PLECK: Listen, AJ, C-53 edited his own root code. That's not something that an off-and-on burger can switch.
AJ: Yeah, I mean, I totally know what root code is.
PLECK: Listen, this is the Midnight Shadow. There's probably like a, I don't know, like a service number or something on there we can call.
AJ: Oh, yeah, here it is, the Ronka Cybernetics cor-- Okay.
[phone dialing]
RONKA EMPLOYEE: You've reached Ronka Cybernetics.
AJ: We got through.
PLECK: I can hear it, AJ.
RONKA EMPLOYEE: For returns, please ensure that you have the original packaging.
PLECK AND AJ: Euuuugh…
PLECK: Not gonna.
RONKA EMPLOYEE: Please state issues with your frame after the tone.
AJ: Okay, hello.
[tone]
AJ: Oh, sorry, hello. AJ here.
PLECK: No, AJ, just--
AJ: It's our friend Mr. Robot Man. He's in--
RONKA EMPLOYEE: Connecting you now.
RONKA: Hey there, Ted Ronka here. What can I do you for?
PLECK: Whoa. What? Is the representative Ted Ronka?
RONKA: Yeah, well, anytime the algorithm can't figure out what the heck you're trying to say, they send it to me. It only happens about two times a year, so, hey, good for you.
PLECK: Hey, wow.
RONKA: [laughs] Hope nothing's going too wrong. What can I do for you?
AJ: Oh, wow. Well, so Dar's pregnant and Bargie got arrested--
PLECK: Yeah, that’s not-
AJ: And is on trial on Pump Up the Justice.
RONKA: All right, sir, you're going to have to tell your son to get out of the room because this is–
AJ: I'm a man!
PLECK: Okay, all right. AJ, you are five years old. Can you hand me the communicator, please?
AJ: I don't wanna.
PLECK: Okay, just--
AJ: Fine.
PLECK: Mr. Ronka, we have a very important droid here in a Midnight Shadow frame.
RONKA: Wow, you got yourself a hold of the Midnight Shadow?
PLECK: Did you say the Midnight Shadow?
RONKA: Yeah, there's only one.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
RONKA: We auctioned it for charity.
PLECK: Oh, who did you sell it to?
RONKA: I don't remember.
PLECK: Listen, Ted, Mr.-- listen, Mr. Ronka–
RONKA: No, no, we're friends. You can call me Ted.
PLECK: Okay, sure, fair enough. We're having some issues with our C-series. Maybe you could take a listen?
RONKA: Yeah, sure.
C-53: [computer sounds]
RONKA: Ah, geez, somebody been messing with the root code on this?
PLECK: Wow, you were able to diagnose that just by hearing the gibberish coming out of his mouth?
RONKA: Hey, it's not called the Ronka Cybernetics Corporation for nothing, you know what I mean?
AJ: [laughs]
PLECK: Yeah, I guess so.
RONKA: I mean, you might as well throw the cube away. There's no fixing that problem.
PLECK: Okay, we're not--
RONKA: It's finito.
PLECK: Okay, we're not throwing away the cube, but, you know, if there's anything else that we can-- any other options–
RONKA EMPLOYEE: Thank you so much for connecting with Ronka Cybernetics. Please rate your experience in a small quiz following the tone.
AJ: Okay, hello, AJ here.
[tone]
AJ: Oh, sorry, hello, um, uh–
NERMUT: Dar, I made a compilation of actual birth videos. So what you're about to see are the moment the sentients pop out. 'Cause that's where we're trying to get to. So you're gonna watch this.
DAR: Hachi machi, hachi machi.
SINGER: One, two, three, four, looks like we're in the kroon.
NERMUT: Oh, yeah, I put this upbeat music to it 'cause, like, it was just constant screams in these videos.
DAR: Oh my Rodd, oh my Rodd, oh my Rodd, oh my Rodd. Did you see how that sentient obliterated its parent?
NERMUT: Well, that was a flarn. You don't want to–
DAR: It was like a husk.
NERMUT: The mother flarn is obliterated upon birth of a baby flarn, obviously, but that's just--
DAR: Whoa, what is that one doing?
NERMUT: Oh, that's one where the parent is born. It's very complicated.
[laughter]
AJ: Papa, I know what we should do.
PLECK: Uh, okay.
AJ: We should do what we do with my laser rifle jams. I just--I stick it in my face, and I blow on it.
PLECK: You put your gun in your mouth?
AJ: Yeah, well, I don't put it in my mouth, Papa. That'd be dumb. I stick it right up to my face, and I blow on it.
PLECK: No, AJ, don't--
AJ: I’m gonna do it. I promise it'll work.
PLECK: No, AJ, don't, please-- Oh, AJ, do not do that.
AJ: Just like a laser gun.
[compressed air blows]
PLECK: No. AJ! No.
[boot up plays]
C-53: EughhhHhh… boy, wow.
PLECK: C-53?
C-53: Yeah, geez.
PLECK: What just happened?
AJ: I blew on the cube.
PLECK: Why--how did that--
C-53: AJ? Thank you for that.
AJ: You got it, Mr. Robot Man.
PLECK: Okay, I have a lot of questions. First of all, your helmet is still on.
AJ: Yeah, well–
PLECK: How did that-- How did that work?
AJ: Yeah, I have a compressed air feature on my helmet. Miss Janelle got it installed so we could all blow out our birthday candles.
PLECK: [laughing] AJ, that is--that is adorable and-
AJ: Also, in combat, if somebody gets too close, I can blow their eyeball out.
PLECK: Really?
AJ: Yeah, but we mainly use it for birthday candles.
PLECK: Okay. Listen, C-53, I'm really glad you're back. What happened?
C-53: Well, sometimes, you know, particles get lodged in the data lattice. You remember when we went in the pool at Angelina’s retreat?
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: I think--I think I might have gotten some pee on my cube.
PLECK: Some pee?
AJ: That's nasty.
C-53: Yeah, it’s pretty gross. it could-- Compressed air can actually clear out a cube.
PLECK: You mean--so it wasn't the root code?
C-53: No, I know what I'm doing. What am I, a jucking idiot?
PLECK: No.
AJ: Papa, come on.
DAR: [groaning]
C-53: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's that sound?
AJ: Oh, Dar’s gone into labor.
C-53: Oh my rosh.
AJ: Oh yeah, we’ll bring you up to speed. Dar’s gone into labor. Bargie’s been arrested, and we're in a courtroom right now.
HORSEHAT: Okay, now, Nermut, I need you to give me your tiny, tiny hand.
NERMUT: It’s… normal size.
HORSEHAT: Dar, I need you to give me your bigger, strong, strong, passionate hand.
DAR: Sure.
HORSEHAT: And I will be the center fuse. Put your pain onto me. I will use it to bring out the sentient being.
DAR: Ooooghhhhohoho…
NERMUT: Oh, I don't know, Dar. That seems like a lot. You're giving a lot to Horsehat there. Maybe you dial it back a little? Oh, oh, oh, oh, those tentacles are throbbing. Oh boy.
HORSEHAT: ErrrrghhHHHHH[explodes]
NERMUT: Oh my Rodd. Whoa, I think Horsehat just-- died, nope. No, no.
MINI HORSEHATS: Horsehat here! Horsehat here! Horsehat here!
DAR: There's so many little Horsehats.
NERMUT: Oh, boy, it's like dozens of scurrying horse ants.
MINI HORSEHAT: Look at me, I’m Horsehat!
DAR: Nermut, I-
NERMUT: I interviewed so many doulas, and I feel like I really, really, really am glad I held out for Horsehat. This is the best in the biz. A lot of doulas, when they explode, they're just done for. Horsehat, no. Turns into many, many smaller Horsehats and reassembles.
DAR: OK, so I guess I should come clean that labor is actually quite… painful.
NERMUT: Dar, it's OK. You can do this. I'm here for you, and I know there's a chance the kids are not going to look like me, but I don't care, because I love you.
DAR: I… love–
HORSEHAT: I’ve assembled! I’ve assembled! I’ve assembled!
DAR: Good, Horsehat!
PLECK: Sounds like it's going pretty well in there.
AJ: Yeah, only a couple explosions. That’s pretty good.
PLECK: That's good.
C-53: We should go help Dar.
PLECK: Yeah, OK. Listen, guys, let's just take a breath. We'll go in there calm, and we'll just try to help however.
MINI HORSEHAT: Hello? Down here?
C-53: Oh. Oh, that is a very small doula.
MINI HORSEHAT: I’m a little lost.
PLECK: She was bigger before, I'm pretty sure.
MINI HORSEHAT: I am exploded into many little Horsehats. I need to be returned to the Horsehat Prime.
PLECK: Uh..
C-53: OK, yeah, sure. This is a-- Pleck, are you not familiar with the tentaculon? The species?
PLECK: No, I'm not. This is a tentaculon?
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: OK.
C-53: This tentaculon has experienced great physical stress. So they split, and they have to reintegrate, so.
HORSEHAT: OK, they're going to their final movement.
DAR: Oh.
AJ: Whoa. Look at Dar. Wow.
PLECK: OK.
AJ: Holy juck, you look… awesome.
C-53: Good cover, AJ.
DAR: Oh, thank you. That's very nice.
NERMUT: You're so close, Dar. You can do it. I know it. I believe in you.
HORSEHAT: OK, everybody--
MINI HORSEHAT: Horsehat!
HORSEHAT: Oh, thank you for joining me.
MINI HORSEHAT: Sorry!
HORSEHAT: Took you long enough.
MINI HORSEHAT: I was busy.
HORSEHAT: You're always busy.
C-53: Is this the right time?
DAR: Can you fight about this later?
HORSEHAT: Just do me a solid, and get back inside of me.
MINI HORSEHAT: All right, fine.
[Mini Horsehat jumps in]
NERMUT: Listen, a doula this good is not going to not be a diva.
PLECK: That's--
HORSEHAT: OK, let's get it out.
C-53: Allow me to engage the medical protocols that I've been saving for this particular occasion.
AJ: Ooh.
PLECK: Oh, wow. Gloves just sort of appeared on your hands.
C-53: Not only that, I've actually reset the parameters of my cloaking field to create a soft energy netting that will catch whatever comes out of Dar. I feel it’s probably a better option than my cold, hard hands.
PLECK: I mean, yeah, that makes sense. That's incredible. You're able to do that?
C-53: Sure, I can’t cloak, I'd have to go back into the root code and set that up again. But I think for now, it's the right move.
DAR: I think I'm ready.
HORSEHAT: Now I need assistance with sharp object to go up their hyphunkin and take out the oog.
C-53: Very good. I am making an incision just over the oog.
PLECK: Wow, C-53, how did you make that incision?
C-53: Well, you know, when you mess around with your source code, you get a lot of functionality out of the Midnight Shadow.
HORSEHAT: OK, the oog is out. You can sell this. You can get a lot of kroon from the oog.
AJ: Ooh!
HORSEHAT: Dar, you tell us which way to go.
DAR: In the top left chute.
NERMUT: Whoa.
PLECK: Uh.
C-53: Nope. Empty.
NERMUT: Oh. Oh, boy.
DAR: Nope, sorry. Center left.
C-53: No, sorry, Dar. This is just one of your bodice rippers.
PLECK: Oh, Dar, you've got to get those out of there.
DAR: That one was actually really good.
C-53: Oh, where, where, Dar?
DAR: Same spot, same spot, same spot.
NERMUT: Same?
C-53: OK.
DAR: [groaning] Ohhh. here it comes. Oh, rosh. Oh, rosh, oh, rosh.
HORSEHAT: I feel it! It's coming out.
ALL: Ohhhhhhhhh!
UNNAMED BABY: [crying]
HORSEHAT: Let's me hand you the baby.
NERMUT: Oh!
PLECK: Dar.
NERMUT: So cute. They're beautiful.
AJ: And small, they're beautiful.
C-53: Dar, congratulations.
DAR: Thank you. I can't believe something so small was inside of me.
AJ: Wow, especially because you were, you know, gigantic.
PLECK: AJ..
C-53: AJ, now’s not the time-
DAR: Amazing. Nermut, I--
NERMUT: It looks just like you.
DAR: Nermut, would you like to hold them?
NERMUT: Can I?
DAR: I would love if you wanted to.
NERMUT: Oh, of course. .I-
HORSEHAT: I WILL HAND IT TO YOU!
NERMUT: Oh, wow.
PLECK: Nermut, this is incredible. The baby looks just like Dar, but–
AJ: Wow.
PLECK: --it’s the size of a baby lird.
NERMUT: It’s my size. It's so small. I mean, wow. You think you can imagine what this moment's going to feel like… And then it's just-- it's so much bigger.
[Unnamed Baby begins inflating]
AJ: Oh, that thing’s ballooning!
PLECK: Whoa, that baby’s getting bigger!
C-53: Nermut, put that baby down!
DAR: Nermut, maybe-
NERMUT: I can!
C-53: Nermut, you cannot.
NERMUT: I'm going to plant. I'm planting.
PLECK: Oh.
[Unnamed Baby crushes Nermut]
UNNAMED BABY: [laughing]
C-53: OK, I'm just going to lift this baby very gently.
AJ: Oh, yeah, Nermut, it's not like you because it's the exact same shape and size as Dar.
PLECK: OK, AJ.
AJ: So it's probably Dar's species and not any of Nermut.
PLECK: Don't rub it in, AJ.
AJ: Well, it's not. It's not Nermut's is what I'm saying.
PLECK: Yeah, just be quiet.
C-53: Maybe just be cool about it.
DAR: Nermut, you may not biologically be the parent, but I would really like you to be, you know--
NERMUT: Yeah, what?
DAR: I would love if you would co-parent with me.
NERMUT: What? Of course.
UNNAMED BABY: Ah.. dahdah…
PLECK: Oh. That’s so nice.
NERMUT: I mean, Dar, to be honest, I don't know if I can promise I'll be a cool dad after all.
DAR: I know. It's OK, Nermut. I know.
NERMUT: But what are you thinking in terms of names?
DAR: Well, I've always really loved the name… Horsehat.
HORSEHAT (DOULA VARIANT): Huh?
PLECK: Wait, really? You're going to name the baby after the doula?
DAR: Oh, no. No, I actually already had picked out the name Horsehat. So--
PLECK: It’s a very common name.
DAR: Just a coincidence.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: It's just such a beautiful name.
AJ: Wow, this is really nice. But I got to say, I thought it was going to be that little bean with the arms and legs.
PLECK: You mean Beano?
DAR: What?
NERMUT: Beano?
AJ: Yeah, I thought Dar was going to have Beano.
PLECK: No, Dar was pregnant with a baby.
AJ: I thought Dar was going to have Beano, and I was going to be like, "Twist!"
PLECK: Why did you think that?
C-53: Wait, what were you going to be like?
AJ: “Tweest!"
PLECK: AJ, where did you learn that?
C-53: Where are you getting these words?
NERMUT: You crossed your legs and did a spin?
AJ: “Tweyest!!”
PLECK: AJ, I just don't-- that doesn't make any sense.
DAR: I mean, I did envelop Beano.
PLECK: Yes, Dar did put Beano inside of them.
C-53: That doesn’t mean–
NERMUT: Beano was so hot, the only place that Beano could go was inside Dar.
[Something flies out of Horsehat, baby variant, as they cough]
BEANO: Did someone say Beano?
ALL: Beano!
BEANO: It's me, it's Beano!
AJ: It's got nipples?
C-53: It just crawled out of–
C-53 AND PLECK: It just crawled out of the baby's mouth!
BEANO: Beano wuv it.
C-53: I have to agree with AJ. That's a twist!
BEANO: Beano wuv a good twist.
AJ: Twist!
PLECK: AJ, calm down.
NERMUT: AJ.
HORSEHAT: The Beano has birthed out from the child.
NERMUT: Wow.
AJ: Hey, Papa, can I talk to you for a second?
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: That bean is really freaky. It's got eyes and arms and legs.
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: And nipples. What's with that?
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: Wait… did someone say a bean with nipples?
BEANO: Bargie.
BARGIE: Beano!
BEANO: It's Beano!
BARGIE: Beano!
BEANO: Bargie, my favorite client. You look beautiful.
BARGIE: Oh. Things have got real jucked up since you left, Beano. We miss you so much.
BEANO: Beano wuv Bargie, and Beano wuv the crew, and Beano wuv the story of Beano.
NERMUT: OK.
PLECK: Beano, we're glad you're back.
BEANO: Beano back. Horsehat born. Crew's all together. Nothing's going to be better. Beano wuv it!
BARGIE: I'm so happy that you-- oh, hold on. Shut your jucking mouths! They’re giving me the verdict!
PLECK: Oh, no.
BARGIE: I yelled that out loud, by the way.
PUTJ HOST: Hello there, viewers at home. Welcome back to Pump Up the Justice. And we have a-- v-- v-- v-- v-- what? Verdict! Coming on in hot. Coming in real.
BEANO: Oh, Beano, wuv a hot real verdict!
HASTOOIE WINKO: Now, let's-- let's cut to a shot of 7,452,642 ballots we printed out. Waste of paper, yes, but exciting to look at. Juck yes! OK. Now, the verdict is…oh whoa, whoa whoa! It's innocent.
SOUND EFFECTS: Oh, yeah, not liable.
BARGIE: What?
SOUND EFFECTS: A-a-a-cquitted!
SUSAN: What? How is that possible? We-
BARGIE: Wow.
SUSAN: I'm going to cut my hair.
BARGIE: After everything we heard, I'm innocent? OK. I mean, I'm innocent. I'm definitely innocent. I'm 100% innocent.
QUAID: Barge, what do you say?
BARGIE: All I got to say is, juck everybody here for making me go through this.
QUAID: Barge, that hurts my feelings a little. It's a bit hurt.
BARGIE: But also, I loved to work with all of you. Here’s some coupons to Chez Bargez. This motherjucker, me, is innocent!
PHENOM: [slow clap]
HASTOOIE: Whoa, slow clap in the gallery.
PHENOM: It's me!
QUAID: Phenom Pennyworth?
HASTOOIE: Phenom Pennyworth, you were ejected from the courtroom.
PHENOM: That's right, but I'm back. And I'm not Phenom Pennyworth. I'm actually-- [pulling]OK, this mask is-- OK.
QUAID: I could call make up if that’s--
PHENOM: No. Hold on.
[pulls off mask]
EMPEROR: It's me, Emperor Nermut Bundaloy, guys.
BARGIE: Oh no.
EMPEROR: Play acting is so fun.
HASTOOIE: Twist!
EMPEROR: It is a twist. A twist worthy of Holowood.
QUAID: Well, he's got that right.
EMPEROR: Bargie, I want to congratulate you.
HASTOOIE: Wowie, a surprise verdict of not guilty followed by a cameo of none other than the emperor himself. This has been quite an episode of "Pump Up the Justice."
EMPEROR: I want to congratulate you. In fact, I want to throw you a not guilty party on my Planet Crusher Crusher.
BARGIE: Oh, that-
EMPEROR: No, no, no, no, no. I insist. In fact, all my forces are coming to escort you right now. That's it for the emperor.
BARGIE: I don’t think I-
EMPEROR: No, you don't have a choice. No.
HASTOOIE: The emperor of the galaxy leads out the acquitted? Personally? Hooo, whatsa! And don't touch that holodial because coming up next, tornata lawyer Scrityaki will regurgitate famed lird lawyer Denseo Tilfan. Do tornatas even have lawyers? We don't know. Pump pump pump!
[transition music]
BORDOFF: Yes, CLINTs, torch open that hatch. Bring the miscreants out!
CLINTS: All right. Let’s do this! [cock blasters] Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground!
BORDOFF: No, you don't need-- nobody's-- you're not asking. Who are you talking to? Just burn a hole through the hatch.
CLINT: All right, hatch, get down to the ground.
BORDOFF: No.
CLINT: Hatch, get down to the ground. Let's do this.
BORDOFF: Torch through it.
CLINT: Hatch, get down to the ground. I’m warning you, hatch!
BORDOFF: Jucking idiots.
CLINT: Let's form a perimeter, guys.
BORDOFF: What? Why.
CLINT: All right, guys, form a perimeter. Hatch, get down to the ground.
BORDOFF: Stupid freak, give me the torch.
BARGIE: Whoa, hey, hey, hey, don't point that thing at me, OK? I'm not guilty, huh? If you want me to open my hatch, just ask. OK, there you go. Opening up my hatch.
PLECK: No, Bargie, don't. Bargie.
[Bargie opens her hatch]
C-53: Would have preferred it closed.
PLECK: Thanks, Bargie.
BORDOFF: CLINTs, seize them immediately.
CLINTS: Let's do this. Get down to the ground. Get down to the ground.
BORDOFF: Well, well, well, you find yourselves at the mercy–
PLECK: Oh, boy.
BORDOFF: --of not only I, head Toady Bordoff--
PLECK: Right.
BORDOFF: --psycophant in charge.
C-53: Sycophant.
PLECK: It’s- I'm pretty sure it's "sycophant."
BORDOFF: No, you're sure you're wrong. I-- But also, at the mercy of His Excellency, Emperor Nermut Bundaloy, look around you in this-- look at this throne room inside the planet crusher crusher.
PLECK: I actually have a question.
BORDOFF: Yes.
PLECK: How-- this planet Crusher Crusher is the size of, like, a gas supergiant.
BORDOFF: Yes.
PLECK: So what's the rest of the-- it can't all be ship.
C-53: Yeah, is it just empty in the middle?
BORDOFF: It's all-- well, I mean, it has to fit a Planet Crusher in it.
C-53: No, I understand.
PLECK: No, no, no. I'm saying, like--
BORDOFF: Yes.
PLECK: --what part of this ship is--
C-53: Yeah, is this the top? Or like, the back?
BORDOFF: This is sort of the left. We're in the left back-ish side.
C-53: The left.
BORDOFF: Yes.
AJ: Why aren't the walls curved? Shouldn't the walls be curved?
BORDOFF: Well, no.
DAR: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to be this-- I'm so sorry to be this type of parent. But could you all-- could you talk a little quieter? I just-- I finally got Horsehat to sleep.
BORDOFF: Oh, OK. Sorry. Sorry. [shouting] Prepare to kneel before his eminence.
BARGIE: I'm a ship. I can't kneel.
DAR: And also, I just-- I shouldn't. I shouldn't right now, because I did just give birth to twins.
BORDOFF: Oh right, you should-- no, no, no. You should-- yes, yes. Just don't go-- rock your baby.
BEANO: Beano wuv kneeling. Beano wuv kneeling. Beano wuv it. Look at Beano kneel.
PLECK: No, Beano, that's not necessary.
C-53: They got such tiny handcuffs for you.
BORDOFF: Behold this normal, Tellurian-sized door to this giant room.
C-53: It looks almost absurd compared to the size of the room.
PLECK: I mean, it is--
BORDOFF: Watch it open, and watch the bigness himself enter.
PLECK: Oh, OK.
EMPEROR: Hey, gang. Oh, what a-- what a trip it's been.
PLECK: It's–
EMPEROR: Oh, you guys. You had me kind of peeved.
PLECK: Yeah?
EMPEROR: I was, where are you? What's going on?
DAR: If you could just watch your tone.
EMPEROR: Oh, absolutely. I've had kids, so I get it.
DAR: Thank you.
EMPEROR: I'm so sorry.
DAR: I don't want Beano-- Beano's very impressionable. He'll imprint on anything, and I just-- I don't want him to pick up this language.
EMPEROR: Well, it's funny you should mention-- what do you call it?
CREW: Beano?
EMPEROR: You idiots. It's called the Beanocron. I guess you probably also think that its only power is to grant wishes.
CREW: Uh-- No.
DAR: Well, now no.
BARGIE: He also takes 70%.
PLECK: That's true.
C-53: That's sort of a power.
EMPEROR: Ohhh my Rodd.
PLECK: It's a power move.
DAR: Oh, absolutely.
EMPEROR: Gang, I'm going to take the Beanocron, which, by the way, is an ancient cosmic entity, and I'm just going to--
DAR: I mean, we knew that he was old.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: And I suppose we knew he was cosmic.
PLECK: And we're all entities, y’know.
C-53: Yeah, that's a good point.
PLECK: If you think about it.
EMPEROR: Whatever. I'm going to take the Beanocron, destroyer of worlds, and hop through one of these portals. Hey, Kor, can you portal me, buddy?
KOR: As you wish.
PLECK: Wait, Kor Balevore?
EMPEROR: Yeah, you guys freed him, right?
AJ: Kor Balevore! Buh duh, buh..
PLECK: AJ, not the time.
NERMUT: AJ, he's an enemy.
C-53: Also, I don’t know if we all freed him, it was mostly a Pleck sitch.
PLECK: It was mostly me, yeah.
EMPEROR: Oh, you did it?
PLECK: Yeah.
EMPEROR: Thank you so much, because now I've got these great portals and all this space magic, and it's amazing.
KOR: I'm on the other side of the portal, just to be clear.
PLECK: Yeah, we get it.
C-53: I think we got it, Kor.
EMPEROR: Buddy, we know. We know. Thank you.
LAVA CROW: Craw! Craw!
PLECK: What? The crows are still there.
EMPEROR: Honestly, I deal with the crows because of the portals, but otherwise--
PLECK: Don't try to kill them.
LAVA CROW: I have a new skin care line.
EMPEROR: Don't tell me what to do.
LAVA CROW: Skin care line.
EMPEROR: Don't tell me what to do.
PLECK: OK.
BARGIE: Hey, hey, I know I'm just an actor ship with a very questionable past, but you can't take Beano away from us.
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: And I have. I think-- please remind me to do my guns work.
C-53: I don't think so.
PLECK: They ran out of ammo.
BARGIE: They do not work. Good day. Whatever you were doing, ignore everything you were doing.
EMPEROR: I summon you, Beanocron.
BEANO [screams and flies towards Emperor]
PLECK: Emperor Bundaloy, you will not take Beano from us.
EMPEROR: I'm literally doing it right now.
PLECK: I will fight you.
C-53: He's already walked through the portal.
EMPEROR: I'm walking through the portal. Bye.
PLECK: No!
DAR: Pleck, go after him!
PLECK: AJ, get the portal.
[AJ manages to squeeze the portal open]
PLECK: AJ!
AJ: OK. OK, I got it open. It's like–
NERMUT: Wow.
AJ: --just a little bit. It's like about the size of a kroon.
PLECK: Get it wider.
AJ: OK.
PLECK: Wider!
[As AJ struggles, the crew is sucked into the portal]
CREW: AHHHH!
[distortion]
PLECK: C-53. AJ!
NERMUT: Oh, no, it's just--
PLECK: Oh, hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey! Where are we?
PLECK: What happened? Where is everybody?
NERMUT: I don't know. We got transported somewhere. My molecules feel weird.
PLECK: We must have gone through the portal and lost the others.
NERMUT: Oh, no. Those are like the smart and strong ones.
PLECK: OK. Well, you don't need to put a fine point on it like that.
NERMUT: Oh, OK.
PLECK: I do still have my dinglehopper.
NERMUT: Oh, good.
PLECK: It's got some teeth marks in it, but otherwise, it seems functional.
NERMUT: All right, let's go get the emperor.
PLECK: Wait, where are we?
NERMUT: It looks like it's some sort of like--
[A door slides open, Nermut and Pleck hide]
CLINT: Hey, are you going to head to the weird ritual that's happening that the emperor is doing?
CLINT: Yeah, I mean, I kind of want to, but I'm sort of like not super religious, so I'm probably not going to go.
KITTY: I will go, and I will make pancake.
CLINT: All right, yeah, we'll all go, Enforcer Droid, if that's what you want to do.
KITTY: We all go together.
CLINT: All right.
NERMUT: Pleck, let's follow these guys, right?
PLECK: All right, let's go.
NERMUT: OK.
PLECK: Nermut, keep up.
NERMUT: I'm trying.
PLECK: Just get in my robe pocket. It's faster this way.
NERMUT: OK. Oh, a lot of snacks in here.
PLECK: OK, that's not-- those aren't for you.
NERMUT: Are they secret?
PLECK: No. They're public to you and me at this point.
KITTY: Did you hear the word snack?
NERMUT: Shh, shut up.
PLECK: Sorry.
KITTY: I heard the word snack.
PLINT: I don't have any snacks. Why would I have any snacks?
NERMUT: Pleck, I bet that PLINT has snacks.
PLECK: Why?
NERMUT: Just cause he's cloned from you.
PLECK: Yeah, I get that.
CLINT: All right, well, we're all going. And hopefully, no one's going to come up behind us and club us on the head.
CLINT: Yeah, I was worried about that, too.
CLINT: Oh, yeah, and ever since this Enforcer Droid got back from Zax’Niz, it hasn't killed anybody. It's been weird.
KITTY: Please, call me Kitty.
PLECK: Oh my Rodd, it's Kitty.
NERMUT: It’s Kitty!
KITTY: I made an oil painting of everyone who's in this room at the beach.
CLINT: Yeah, OK.
KITTY: I will never kill again, because I am killing with these pancakes. Hot off the griddle.
CLINT: All right.
CLINT: Well, I mean, the pancakes can die for.
KITTY: Once they die--
CLINT: Oh, sorry.
KITTY: --it reminds me of memories.
NERMUT: I wish we had a plan.
PLECK: I wasn't going to club them. I was going to follow them to where they were going.
NERMUT: We don't have anything. You can't club with a Dinglehopper.
PLECK: Yeah, that's actually the ideal use for it.
KITTY: This pancake is too stale. I will leave it on the floor.
CLINT: All right.
PLECK: OK, you grab the stale pancake. I'll use the Dinglehopper.
NERMUT: Oh.
PLECK: In retrospect, this is a very clear plan, and we sort of missed it for a while.
NERMUT: OK.
PLECK: OK.
NERMUT: OK.
PLECK: Hey! [bash] Kitty, Kitty, it's us. It's me, Pleck, remember?
KITTY: I remember. My two friends, my only friends in the world.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
KITTY: I now make sausage pizzazz pizzas.
PLECK: That's really great, Kitty. Listen, I just need you to be willing to destroy a little bit more just one last time.
KITTY: You want me to go deep inside to revisit the memories of the dead?
PLECK: OK, well, when you say it like that, it feels a little irresponsible.
KITTY: Once I kill, I can never unkill again.
PLECK: OK, all right, that's fine. You know what? Then maybe just kind of stand guard or something.
KITTY: However. However. However. You are my friend. If you wish to use my body for destruction, I will enter peace mode. Where I will go to a beach, and… dream.
PLECK: Oh, no!
KITTY: Kitty will eject cube.
PLECK: No, Kitty, no. Oh, boy. Wait a second. Wait a second, Nermut. Look. Look inside Kitty's head.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: There's controls in there. You could sort of-- I don't know-- sort of like–
NERMUT: It's a mech. It's a huge mech! WHOAAA!
PLECK: I mean, sorta. I mean, yeah, I think it could work sort of like that.
NERMUT: What! Oh, man, I'm going to open the hugest can.
[distortion]
AJ: Whoa.
DAR: Wait, hello?
AJ: Sorry. Hey, sorry, it's me, AJ.
DAR: Oh, AJ. Oh, thank Rodd. OK.
AJ: I'm sorry. I thought I had the portal open, but I think I was just tripping billies, and it didn't work out. I think everyone split up.
DAR: N-No.
AJ: Agh! I'm so dumb. I'm dumb, Dar. I’m just dumb, I’m an idiot!
DAR: No, no, AJ, it's fine. It's fine. We just need to figure out where we are.
AJ: OK.
DAR: And then we can find the rest of the crew.
AJ: It's pretty dark in here. OK, I'm going to turn the light on. [click] Dar, that sign. Don't-- let me do it myself. Bah.
DAR: Uh-huh, sound it out.
AJ: Bara-- Barracks. Barracks. Oh, this is where all the CLINTslike me sleep.
[Door slides open]
CLINTS: What was that? Hey, what was that? What was that? Hey, what was that? Hey, what was that? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, shut up. What was that? Let’s lock and load!
DAR: Cool, cool, cool. So we're going to turn around, and we're going to have to now face a room full of CLINTs that we just woke up.
AJ: Hey, Dar, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to kick some ass.
DAR: You know, AJ, I think I'm starting to feel my postpartum aggression.
HORSEHAT: Bah, bah, bah.
AJ: Does Horsehat know how to fight?
DAR: I mean, no, Horsehat is a baby, but they are also fully sized and love to tackle adults.
[door slides]
DAR: Oh, wow, I've never seen so many CLINTs at once ejecting their butt guns. OK, get ready.
AJ: Oh yeah! It’s a classic butt gun omega situation. Let's do it.
[An epic battle ensues!]
AJ: Wow, holy juck, that baby can fight. Go, Horsehat!
CLINT COMMANDER: CLINTs, focus all fire on the cutest one. Do it!
[CLINTs lock and load their guns]
AJ: No, Horsehat. Nooooooo!
DAR: AJ, no!
[AJ takes every shot meant for Horsehat]
AJ: Agh…
DAR: AJ, you jumped right in front of all those laser shots just like every other person we meet in the Zyxx Quadrant.
AJ: Yeah, I learned it from them. Dar.
DAR: You've been shot through the heart!
AJ: And you're to blame. You gave Horsehat a bad name.
DAR: OK, I take--
AJ: It's too common, it's basic.
DAR: Listen, you're dying right now, but I'm–
AJ: Ya basic!
DAR: I’m gonna- I'm pretty upset with--
AJ: Ya BASIC!
DAR: It's a beautiful name. It's very common, but it's really beautiful.
AJ: Dar, Horsehat took out so many of the CLINTs.
DAR: I'd say we're about 50/50.
AJ: Don’t- I think that's probably toxic if you start comparing yourself to your child.
DAR: I don't know. I mean, we're like pretty evenly matched. I mean, they are basically a clone of me.
AJ: It’s just-I wouldn't start down that path. Dar, I've seen things, incredible things. Let me just do a quick wrap-up speech. I've seen incredible things. I've seen the nebulon off of Gondar 12. I've seen a CLINT push his butt gun half out and then back in. And I saw a lava planet. And that jucking ruled because I learned that lava was also rocks. But all these memories, they're like paste in rain. They're like paste… in rain…
[distortion]
C-53: Gah! Where are we? Bargie?
BARGIE: Oh, wow. We're-- OK, I know where we are. I can smell it. I mean, look outside.
C-53: Oh my Rodd. Is this Shrimp Island?
BARGIE: It’s Shrimp Island, we’re at the time trade, Shrimp Island.
C-53: Barge-
MICHELLE: Hey there. Welcome to Shrimp Island, the greatest timeshare you'll ever get to invest in.
C-53: Pyeerkin?
MICHELLE: No, that's my enemy.
C-53: Oh.
MICHELLE: I'm Michelle.
C-53: OK, wow. Listen, Michelle, we didn't intend to come here, as weird as that sounds.
MICHELLE: No one ever intends to come to Shrimp Island. And they never intend to ever leave.
C-53: Oh, well, no, we do intend to leave. Our friends are actually in–
MICHELLE: Massages? Lotion for your hull?
BARGIE: Wow, that sounds really great.
C-53: That actually sound great.
BARGIE: Ah, they just put a ship-sized lei on me. I mean--
C-53: But Bargie, the whole crew's back at the Planet Crusher Crusher. We've got to go back and rescue them.
BARGIE: Nah, we’re fine here. I think we should just stay.
C-53: What are you talking about, Barge?
BARGIE: I was just acquitted of 150 crimes. And let me tell you, come close. I don't know if I'm innocent. OK? I think it was a ballot box that was misused. I think some people texted twice.
C-53: Barge, we-- there's no way to know that.
BARGIE: I voted twice.
C-53: OK, so you did.
BARGIE: For each side.
C-53: So you voted four times.
BARGIE: I was-- I wasn't convinced.
SHRIMP ISLANDER: Oh, we're having a conga live. You like to join us?
C-53: Oh boy, well that-
CONGA LINE: We love shrimp. We love shrimp. Let's do it. We love shrimp. We love shrimp. Let's do it. We love shrimp. We love shrimp. Let's do it. We love shrimp. We love shrimp. We love shrimp. We love shrimp.
C-53: Bargie, Bargie, we've got to get out of here for a number of reasons right now.
BARGIE: They’re having fun. This is all they ever wanted to do. They always wanted to do adventures. They're all having a gas right now.
C-53: Bargie, I don't want to call you right here on Shrimp Island, but this is sort of--
SHRIMP ISLANDER: Did someone say shrimp telephone?
C-53: I-- yeah, no. What?
SHRIMP ISLANDER: Are you wanna make a phone call to a fellow shrimp?
C-53: No, I don't.
SHRIMP ISLANDER: Spoiler, telephone's made of shrimp. Ring-a-ding-ding. Whoop-boop.
C-53: Just back up for like 10 minutes.
CONGA LEAD: Back up the conga line!
CONGA LINE: Shrimp love we. Shrimp love we. Shrimp love we. Shrimp love we.
C-53: That's amazing.
CONGA LINE: Shrimp love we. Shrimp love we.
C-53: They got coordinated on that so fast. Bargie, we've been with you through so much, the ups, the downs, and you're not willing to help them now?
BARGIE: Do you know how long it'll take me to get back? I don't even know. It just seems very far. All we can do right now is just sit down and relax. So go into Pleck’s little tiny cabinet room, and underneath the box he uses as a mattress is another box. There's some sunscreen inside of it.
C-53: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
BARGIE: It's old, though, so it might be like full of weird like--
C-53: Bargie, forget the sunscreen. Look at-- that's that hyper proton fuel you've been hiding.
BARGIE: I haven't been hiding. I was very aware of it.
C-53: We can get back to the planet Crusher Crusher in time to save them.
BARGIE: Yeah, but why would we do that?
C-53: Bargie--
BARGIE: OK, here's the thing, OK? I went through a crazy journey, all right? I feel like I'm lost, you know? I'm just going to stay here, just completely start over.
C-53: But Bargie, think about it. What does Holowood love more than a redemption story?
BARGIE:Hmm.
C-53: This could be the next chapter of the Bargie story.
BARGIE: No, they don't like me, they're over me.
C-53: Barge, Bargie, you've got to go back to them. Don't you want to know how this story ends?
BARGIE: How does it end?
C-53: Only you can answer that question, Bargie.
BARGIE: Tell me. I usually don't take new parts until I've read the end.
C-53: Barge, you're going to have to write this one yourself.
BARGIE: Can I have a ghostwriter? I'm not really good at writing.
C-53: That's a metaphor, Bargie. I'm not saying you're actually going to write it. I'm saying whatever you do will become the end of the story.
BARGIE: As long as the percent- they don’t take that much, but I still get my name on it.
C-53: Bargie, there's no-- no one's going to option this, OK?
BARGIE: Can I still play myself in the story?
C-53: Yes, absolutely. Yes, you are yourself in this story, Bargie.
BARGIE: OK. Who's playing the younger me?
C-53: Ohhh, Bargie. Every second we wait could mean terrible things for the crew. We have to decide now.
BARGIE: Give me five good reasons.
C-53: Pleckthaniel Ugene Decksetter, AJ-2884.
BARGIE: I just met him.
C-53: Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
BARGIE: I don't know who that is.
C-53: Dar. You like Dar!
BARGIE: Yeah, I like Dar.
C-53: And Beano.
BARGIE: Beano.
C-53: Bargie, Beano.
BARGIE: Will you sing with me, C-53?
C-53: No, I don't.
BARGIE: You take the high, I'll take the low.
C-53: I'm not-- that's just not my range. Bargie, if you take this hyper proton fuel and we use some of B-Rock's smuggling routes, we might just be able to get back to the planet Crusher Crusher in time.
BARGIE: Eh, I already took it.
C-53: Oh, boy. OK, well, if you took it, I might just take a-hehehEHEHE!
BARGIE: [singing] The sky's the floor, and the floor's the sky. I'm flying into the sky. My name is Bargie, Bargie, Bargie, Bargie, Barge.
C-53: [singing] Her name is Bargie, her name is Bargie!
BARGIE: You take the high, I'll take the low!
[Bargie and C-53 sing nonsense at each other]
PLECK: Hey, Nermut, check it out.
NERMUT: Yeah, what?
PLECK: There's a little display on the wrist of this armor, it’s a map to the whole area.
NERMUT: Hang on, let me rotate this hulking droid.
PLECK: That doesn't matter. You just take my word for it. There's a map on my wrist that shows where to go.
NERMUT: What is this rotating cannon button, do you think?
PLECK: Don't press that. Why would you press that?
[Cannon whirs up]
PLECK: No! Let go, let go!
NERMUT: Ok!
PLECK: Listen, we just have to go this way. I think they said there was some sort of ritual happening.
NERMUT: Yeah, a Sparks Knight ritual. Do you think it's in there?
PLECK: It could be.
[evil magic sounds]
PLECK: Listen, play it cool, play it cool!
NERMUT: Always.
EMPEROR: I, Nermut Bundaloy, Emperor of the Galaxy, take the power of the Beanocron as my own.
KOR: And I, Kajj Malice, will have the honor of invoking wack sorcery.
EMPEROR: That's what I'm talking about.
KOR: To combine you to the Beanocron.
EMPEROR: Yes, excellent.
BORDOFF: Yes, and I, Bordoff, am the witness to sign--
EMPEROR: All right, no, we know.
BORDOFF: I will take photos of the moment.
EMPEROR: Take what?
BORDOFF: Eh, you want to remember--
EMPEROR: Bordoff, just like–
BORDOFF: Yeah. Sure.
EMPEROR: You know, kind of stay in your lane. Do you know what I mean? This is sort of more of a ritual.
BORDOFF: But I'm the heir to the throne.
EMPEROR: Heir?
BORDOFF: Hm?
EMPEROR: We haven't. In no way.
BORDOFF: OK.
EMPEROR: If anything, Justin, my son, is going to be an heir.
JUSTIN: Dad?
EMPEROR: Justin, Daddy's busy.
JUSTIN: Dad, I have soccer practice in 30 minutes.
EMPEROR: Daddy’s busy! Justin, Daddy loves you, but Daddy is trying to integrate with an ancient cosmic entity right now.
JUSTIN: You're such a nerd.
BORDOFF: Sounds like…
EMPEROR: Justin, you cannot talk to me like that.
JUSTIN: Whatever. I'm going to go.
KOR: Shall I destroy him, Master?
EMPEROR: Kor, I-- no. For the thousandth time, no. He's my-- he's my little buddy.
KOR: He must be punished for his insolence.
BORDOFF: Sounds like Justin doesn't want to be the heir. I, Bordoff–
EMPEROR: Bordoff?
BORDOFF: Yes.
EMPEROR: No, you are not my son. That would be so weird.
BORDOFF: Uh.
EMPEROR: Can we just merge me with the Beanocron--
BORDOFF: Yes, yes.
EMPEROR: --so I can get the ultimate power, and I will become.. the Allwheat!
SPARKS KNIGHT: Yes, Master.
BORDOFF: Wow.
EMPEROR: Does everyone-- what does everyone think about that?
BORDOFF:I like it.
SPARKS KNIGHT: It sounds good.
BORDOFF: Delicious cereal.
EMPEROR: Really? I don't like it if that's what it sounds like.
KOR: I think it’s cool.
BORDOFF: I mean, if it sounds–
SPARKS KNIGHT: Yeah, it sounds good.
EMPEROR: The Allwheat. Because… my last name is Ballwheat, and it's, like, super powerful. Do you guys get that?
KOR: I think it sounds good.
SPARKS KNIGHT: Yes, yes. It doesn't sound like cereal anymore.
EMPEROR: The rest of my council agrees, Bordoff. Just, like, stand outside.
BORDOFF: I'm head door guard.
EMPEROR: Sure. If that's what gets you through the day. Sure. All right, guys. Thank you so much. Everybody here, I just really appreciate you. Thank you for your feedback. Anyway, all right. OK, let's get into it.
SPARKS KNIGHT: It's most important if you like it, master.
EMPEROR: Yeah, I do. Can we please start the ritual now, people? Kor, let's–
PLECK: Stop right there.
EMPEROR: What?
PLECK: Nermut Bundaloy, put the bean down.
NERMUT: I don't have a bean.
PLECK: Nermut!
NERMUT: Yeah?
EMPEROR: Who are you? You look like a PLINT.
PLECK: I'm the first PLINT. [takes off helmet] My name is Pleckthaniel Ugene
Decksetter-
EMPEROR: Yikes.
PLECK: -and it is my destiny to destroy you and reunite the galaxy.
SPARKS KNIGHT: Oh, OK, so we definitely don't like that, man.
EMPEROR: No, my counsel-- yeah, so, counsel, what do you-- the Allwheat is good. What do you guys think of Pleckthaniel Ugene Decksetter?
SPARKS KNIGHT: No, no, no, no.
SPARKS KNIGHT: Not wack!
EMPEROR: Not wack.
SPARKS KNIGHT: What a mouthful.
PLECK: Drop the Beanocron.
EMPEROR: No, I don't think I'm going to do that.
PLECK: Then prepare to feel the wrath of my dinglehopper.
NERMUT: Whoa, it's glowing.
PLECK: Yeah, I don't know how.
EMPEROR: Kor, continue the ritual. This won't take long.
KOR: It will be done, my lord.
NERMUT: Oh, gosh, I'm glad you guys are fighting in this secure, enclosed area and not that crazy catwalk over there.
PLECK: Nermut, SHOOT these guys.
NERMUT: OK.
PLECK: What are you doing?
[Nermut rains lead on the Sparks Knights as Pleck battles the Emperor]
EMPEROR: All right, Pleckthaniel, join me on this catwalk.
PLECK: No, let's just fight here--
EMPEROR: No, we won't. There are no railings here, and there are precipices on either side.
PLECK: I don't know why we would do that.
EMPEROR: Where else would we fight? In an enclosed area?
PLECK: In the middle of this room where it's sort of like an even place?
EMPEROR: No, this is better. This is- I literally think it goes to an air duct. I don't know where it quite goes. It's just kind of cutting through the space.
PLECK: If either of us falls off, it'll be, I mean, literally days before we hit anything.
EMPEROR: I think what will actually-- I'll be honest. When I've heard- a couple of CLINTs have fallen off just kind of randomly, and I think the thing is it's so big that they fall, and then the gravity balances them out so they just sort of hover.
NERMUT: So they fall and then die of old age?
EMPEROR: What? Is he still-- is he going to be a part of this or–
PLECK: Nermut!
NERMUT: Yeah, I shot up all the Sparks Knights. I'm out of ammo. Except Kor, who's behind like a forcefield or something.
PLECK: OK, well, then, I don't know, moral support--
[Pleck and the Emperor battle]
EMPEROR: Oh, oh!! I fell… on to another catwalk. Join me, Decksetter!
PLECK: How many more of these catwalks?
EMPEROR: I mean, look around. There's tons.
PLECK: I mean, yea-
NERMUT: Keep trying!
EMPEROR: This place is just lousy with–
[Pleck attacks!]
EMPEROR: We're both moving so fast! You're using the space well. You're finding your light.
BEANO: Beano wuv finding the light.
PLECK: Beano, help me, OK?
BEANO: Eh… Beano, Beano tired?
PLECK: Why? You just woke up.
BEANO: Beano just been born. Beano tired!
NERMUT: Oh, he’s just sitting on the Emperor's shoulder like a little bird.
BEANO: Beano want to help, but Beano sweepy.
EMPEROR: The Beanocron is weak. Once it fuses with my wackness, it will be fully powered, and I will be the most invincible thing in the galaxy!
PLECK: I'll never let that happen!
EMPEROR: Bordoff, do something about the lizard!
BORDOFF: Oh, now you need old Bordoff. Oh, come crawling back to Bordoff. Say that I'm the heir.
EMPEROR: What? No, my son Justin is the heir.
JUSTIN: Dad!
BORDOFF: He said you’re a nerd!
EMPEROR: Justin! Daddy's on a catwalk fighting now!
JUSTIN: What's your data password?
EMPEROR: Justin! It's B3rmut Nundal0y!
NERMUT: Are you serious?
EMPEROR: It's an inversion of my name.
JUSTIN: Is it with an E or a 3? An O or a 0?
EMPEROR: No, that hyacker I talked to told me that it would be more secure if I used numbers, so it would be...
NERMUT: Pleck, now's your chance!
EMPEROR: ...B, 3, backwards R…
PLECK Hyahh!
[transition]
DAR: AJ, stay with me, buddy. Okay, AJ? Everything's gonna be okay.
AJ: This is the end of the road for me, Dar. If I can impart one piece of wisdom that I've gleaned from...
DAR: It's how you get the gun up your butt?
AJ: No, what? It's just up my butt. Why would... I'm dying! Don't make this about that!
DAR: I'm sorry, I- I know this is much… I should be far more reverent.
AJ: Dar, my last words are these. I want you to see my face.
DAR: It's covered in paste.
AJ: That's right. Dar, just always remember to... Lock and…
DAR: Whyyyy?
TUBE: WHYYYY?
AJ: Oh, wait. The tube is working again! The tube is working again! Oh, yeah, I got shot! And the tube was there, over my heart. And it was also the very thickest part of my armor. Dar, I'm alive!
DAR: Alright, AJ, look, we have to go find the others. Let's go. Come on.
AJ: Yeah, and the best news is that the shot fixed my tube!
TUBE: Whyyy…
DAR: Perfect.
AJ: It sounds amazing! It's just like new. Oh, man.
[Horsehat snatches the tube]
AJ: Oh, Horsehat. Grabbed it.
DAR: Oh, they like it!
AJ: Yeah, I'm totally cool with it. That's totally cool. 'Cause it wasn't a big deal.
DAR: Now we have to go find the others. Let's go.
AJ: Alright, let's go!
[transition]
C-53: Oh, juck me! These smuggling routes are fast! Barge, and Barge, what if you were in, like, a spy picture? You ever thought about being in a movie where you play like a secret agent?
BARGIE: Yeah, what if instead of a secret agent, I was a small fish made of water? I was a fish made of water!
C-53: Oh, my gosh, Bargie! I’m writing this down right now, Bargie plays… a fish made of water.
BARGIE: I'm going so fast! I'm gonna spin! I'm gonna spin!
C-53: You’re flying amazingly right now! OhhHHWHOA I don't know if I've ever complimented you on your flying, but it's so good, Bargie!
BARGIE: Ask me anything! Oh, wow. Ask me any question you ever wanted to know, I will answer you totally honestly right now.
C-53: Bargie, of all the movies you've ever been in, all the stars you've met, what was the time where you felt the best?
BARGIE: Sherk 2! It was Sherk 2!
C-53: I love Sherk 2! I love Sherk 2!
BARGIE: It was the best movie I've ever done!
C-53: Oh, my gosh, I love Sherk 2!
BARGIE: Doankeyyyyy!
BARGIE AND C-53: DOANKEY!!!
C-53: I love Sherk 2!
BARGIE: I love Sherk 2! Wait, wait, C-53! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what if we made a podcast together?
C-53: Well, why not, Bargie? That is the best idea you’ve ever had!
BARGIE: Uh, talk about pop culture! What's your favorite thing about pop culture right now?
C-53: Well, on our first episode, we're talking about pop culture it’s Bargie and C-53!
BARGIE: Uh, brought to you by hyper proton fuel!
C-53: Yeah, and if you like hyper proton fuel, you gotta listen to this podcast!
BARGIE: Oh, boy, here's some sound effects! Beep-bop, boop-bop, beep-boop, hi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Our special guest tonight is our brains!
C-53: Listen, the pop culture I'm really into right now is the, you ever listen to Tyveckian Throat?
BARGIE: I love Tyveckian Throat, but I think that they've done the best work in the past, and they should break up as a band.
C-53: Oh, that's a controversial opinion, but you're not wrong!
BARGIE: What do you think of the newest movie by Spaceship Spielship?
C-53: Spaceship Spielship is such a great director, and I like that he's gotten to a stage in his career, where he's just doing stuff for him!
BARGIE: Oh, there it is!
C-53: Oh, that's a Planet Crusher Crusher, that’s all the time we've got for today, so tune in next time after we crash!
BARGIE: Visit-support us on Patreon!
C-53: Like and subscribe!
EMPEROR: Ah! Ah! Ah! Decksetter-
NERMUT: Oh, he’s hanging by one hand.
EMPEROR: I-- yeah, I mean, it's clear--
PLECK: Nermut, relax.
NERMUT: Huh?
PLECK: We all can see what's happening.
NERMUT: Okay.
EMPEROR: You think you can defeat me? Kor Balevore is already doing the spell that will unite me with the Beanocron forever!
PLECK: Not if I knock you off into this bottomless pit.
EMPEROR: But I know you, Decksetter. You value mercy. You won't let me die.
PLECK: Give me back Beano, and I'll let you live.
BEANO: Beano don't feel so good.
PLECK: Hand me the bean.
NERMUT: Guys, sorry to interrupt, but look out that window.
PLECK: It's Bargie.
NERMUT: Going fast!
PLECK: Oh, no. Ah! Ah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey!
BARGIE: Who wants my autograph!
PLECK: I can't believe the plate glass window in this throne room is so fragile.
EMPEROR: Rodd damn that Zwog Tambooey.
PLECK: Why would you let him design this?
EMPEROR: He-it’s the aesthetic. It's the-- it's-- it's the look and feel.
[AJ and Dar arrive]
AJ: Oh!
DAR: Pleck! Nermut!
AJ: Oh, backup’s here!
DAR: You're okay!
NERMUT: Ah, AJ, Dar, Horsehat!
DAR: Yeah!
AJ: The baby killed like 20 guys. It was righteous.
BARGIE: Hey, uh, I just realized I crashed into a planet crusher crusher. Do I look okay?
C-53: Yeah, we're-- we're not in great shape.
DAR: C?
BARGIE: Not in the best shape.
DAR: C-53, did you ride on the hood of Bargie the whole way?
C-53: I don't know- I don’t know why I did that-- I got out of his ship and crawled on the front.
BARGIE: He was like, "I'm gonna ride you."
PLECK: While you were in hyperspace?
C-53: I took a lot of glass. Right to the face. Oh my Rodd. Oh.
AJ: Wait, Papa, did you just beat the Emperor?
PLECK: Emperor Bundaloy, you see all these people? They're my friends. And that's what makes me fresh as hell. Fresh as shit. Fresh as juck, baby.
EMPEROR: Are you workshopping your tagline, or--?
PLECK: I did-- it-- I mean, a lot of them sounded bad, so I started over.
EMPEROR: Oh, I know all about friendships. I know about six best friends who want to keep you on the outside. You and I are quite alike.
PLECK: It's actually pretty different.
EMPEROR But don't you have-- it's almost numbers-wise just the same, right?
PLECK: There's like-- Yeah, but--
NERMUT: Me, C-53, Bargie.,.
EMPEROR: The lizard, the clone, the--
NERMUT: Right. AJ…
PLECK: No. I mean, yes, it's the same number of friends-
EMPEROR: But don't you feel on the outside?
NERMUT: Horsehat and Beano, it is six!
EMPEROR: Your job's a joke! You're broke! Your love life's DOA!
PLECK: I-- well, that's not--
DAR: I mean, yeah, his love life is. Mm.
EMPEROR: It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
AJ: Papa!
PLECK: What?
AJ: I'll be here for you!
PLECK: Thank you, AJ.
BEANO: Beano will save the crew.
PLECK: No, Beano-- no!
BEANO: Beano wuv tickling.
EMPEROR: What are you doing?
BEANO: Beano save crew.
PLECK: So weird.
EMPEROR: BEANOCRON! Why are you doing it? And it is a creepy way to do it!
PLECK: It's weird. So weird.
BEANO: Ooh, Beano wuv tickling. Beano save crew through tickle.
[Beano and the Emperor plummet!]
PLECK: Why? Why would you do it this way?
BEANO: Kids love me!
PLECK: Oh, no!
NERMUT: Oh, no!
BEANO: Beanooooo!
EMPEROR: Aghh!
BARGIE: BEANOOOOoOOOOO!
EMPEROR: I will be the Allwheat!
BEANO: Beano wuv the story of Beano!
NERMUT: Beano!
AJ: Papa, you did it! You defeated the Emperor and fulfilled your destiny!
PLECK: Yeah, I did! [laughing] Guys, what is that noise?
AJ: Oh, it's rumbling.
NERMUT: Uh... That could be good.
PLECK: Oh…
AJ: Why would it be good?
NERMUT: I don't know, I'm just hopeful.
KOR: It is complete. [evil laughing]
PLECK: Oh no. Okay, guys, I think we gotta get out of here.
AJ: Oh, wow, there's like a lot of clouds and red lightning.
C-53: Yeah, I’m gonna climb back inside.
PLECK: Okay, we gotta go, we gotta go! Bargie, open the hatch!
NERMUT: Oh, boy.
BARGIE: Alright, it’s full of glass, it’s full of glass!
AJ: Oh, so much glass!
NERMUT: Ah! Feels! Like I’m! Walking! On!
PLECK: Bargie, we gotta get out of here!
BARGIE: I know, but after you have hyper proton fuel you need to take it a little easy, okay?
PLECK: Okay, I-
C-53: Why don't you back off?
PLECK: Okay. C-53-
C-53: Pleck, gotta get it out of your SYSTEM.
AJ: Yeah, Papa, I almost died. We're all going through shit.
BARGIE: All right, backing up very slowly.
C-53: Yeah. Barge, take your time, ow.
AJ: Let's gingerly back out of this!
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: Let's gingerly back out, let's do this!
PLECK: Let's go, let's go, let's go! Guys, look! The planet Crusher crusher’s collapsing on itself! My Rodd!
AJ: Whoa! It's a lot of like mystical energy and stuff. Whoa, whoa!
C-53: It's becoming super dense!
AJ: What's happening?
C-53: We gotta get out of here!
CREW: Whoa, gahhH!
BARGIE: So wait, this is what you guys do during missions?
[outro music]
This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol Papa Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 and Quaid Blismo were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Horsehat the doula, Susan Prosecutioshfrr, and Michelle were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, Hastooie Winko, and Bordoff were played by Seth Lind. AJ, Emperor Nermut Bundaloy, the Clints, and Beano were played by Winston Noel. This episode features appearances by Brendan Lee Mulligan as Kor Balevore, as well as production babies Manny Lind and Arlo Ford, joining forces to play Baby Horsehat. This episode was edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell, recorded at Brawn Studios in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. A special thanks to everyone who voted this week to determine the fate of the Bargarean Jade. This concludes Season 3 of Mission to Zyxx. Thank you for listening.
FREDDIE: You wept as we crafted the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story.
WILL: Dude, he like, he forgives Darth Vader. Meesa still love you, Ani!
MATT: You gasped out loud at the shocking twists of Face/Off 2: Faces Wild. He takes his kid's face.
WILL: What?
FREDDIE: Now, we're writing an entire screenplay week by week on Story Break Season 2: Heaven Heist. Hey folks, Freddie Wong here with some exciting news about Story Break, the writers room podcast where three Hollywood professionals have one hour to spend cinematic gold. We're shaking up our format by turning Heaven Heist, one of our favorite ideas we've ever come up with on the show, into a full screenplay.
MATT: Heaven Heist is an action comedy about a crew of misfit gangsters robbing the celestial bank of heaven. Think Coco meets Point Break.
FREDDIE: Join us as we write this crazy movie scene by scene and get an inside look at the screenwriting process on our podcast Story Break every Thursday on MaximumFun.org.
C-53: Hey Bargie, we only have 45 seconds to let people know about Cube2Cube.
BARGIE: Oh, it's an amazing podcast. We talk about pop culture, pop pop pop pop culture. We talk about movies.
C-53: We're talking about holos. We're talking about TV shows. We're talking about--
BARGIE: Holostars, Dead or Alive, which ones we do, which ones we forget. And then we'll talk about all the things that made us angry this week. Oh boy, what's with Atmosphere? Atmosphere, what's your deal? That's the movie title and not the actual thing. I love Atmosphere for real life.
C-53: Real life Atmosphere is fantastic. Everybody loves it! And we're talking about music.
BARGIE: Books, books all about like, oh, hey, C-53. What's something you saw this week that blew your mind?
C-53: I watched a little insect crawl up a leaf and I was like, whoa.
BARGIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I hated that insect. I have a different opinion. I'm crazy, I'm crazy.
C-53: Whoa, that's going to be a lot of good chatter about the insect crawling up the leaf. You got to listen to Cube2Cube. It's the Bargie and C-53 podcast!
BARGIE: Be a subscriber!
[transition]
JEREMY: Throw away the key.
ALDEN [laughing] That's so stupid.
JEREMY: I got one more. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
SETH: Ticktock, ticktock.
JEREMY: Ticktok.
C-53: You know, Papa, also while I was on the hyper proton fuel, I managed to get most of the way through the transmission if you want to take a listen.
PLECK: Oh, really?
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh, whoa.
C-53: Here you go.
NERMUT: That’s really an advertisement for drugs.
HARK: This is Captain Hark Tardigast. I am signaling whoever I can for my escape pod stuck in deep space. I've been using a series of interdimensional crystals I've taken from a digital nexus with the hopes that this transmission might glance upon a six-dimensional microchip and allow me to broadcast my voice outside the reach of the hated emperor. To all those who would stand against the emperor, we need your help.
SEESU: Hark? Hark? It's Seesu Gundu. I just got your message. Thought I perished, but I'm not. I am alive. I'm strong, and I'm tight as hell. I'm in the core of the [INAUDIBLE] right now. Temperatures are no longer super friendly. However, fun fact, have you ever had a cryofacial before? Rolphus is dead. Or he’s missing? I don't know. I don't care. I care, but I don't care.
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: Holy crorp.
NERMUT: They're alive?
AJ: Who are they?
PLECK: It's a long story, AJ.
C-53; We need to get into contact with Hark and Seesu right away. Start scanning frequencies, see if we can find where they're broadcasting from.
DAR: That just seems like a lot right now. Let's deal with it later, like next season.
AJ: Like… Zistarkitarn, or what season are we talking here?