L10: Just the Tubes of Us [LIVE ft. Rachel Wenitsky]
Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn as part of the Brooklyn Podcast Festival! The crew receives an urgent call from an old friend. Bargie and Dar get philosophical. Pleck and C-53 wheel and deal. AJ deals with a Butt Gun Omega situation.
Happy Max Fun Drive!! Become one with the Space and get cool Stuff at maximumfun.org/join!
-
ALDEN: Hey everybody, Alden Ford here. Happy MaxFunDrive! As you know, Mission to Zyxx and all Maximum Fun shows are primarily made possible by listener support, and the MaxFunDrive is your chance to help us make our show. At MaximumFun.org/join, you'll see monthly levels for pretty much any budget, from $5 a month up to $200 per month. And yes, people who can afford it and love MaxFun shows actually do give that much. Most people choose $10, $20, or $35 a month, and you can choose whatever level is right for you. We have always loved making Mission to Zyxx, but it's become something else since we started it. It's now a show that we love making with you. The late nights editing and mixing, the Zoom recording sessions in four different time zones, the orchestra, which this season has been upgraded to 61 pieces, these are all things that you, our supporters, make possible. And please believe me when I say that we always try to make every dollar you give us come right back to you through your headphones. I hope you can hear it. It's never been an exaggeration to say that Mission to Zyxx could not exist without your support. But this year, it's especially true. You may have noticed, for example, that we have had fewer ads this season. I mean, it's understandable. The sponsors are a little more strapped than usual, and that probably means fewer companies that are excited to learn that on Mission to Zyxx, their product will be sold by alien cultists and library perverts and Tuper Spickle. But we know that this year, more than most, is a weird time to ask you to give a free comedy podcast your money. There are plenty of places and people and causes in need at a time when your own financial stability might not be what it was a year ago. I won't pit our show against any of that. What I will say is that for me, Mission to Zyxx has been a welcome oasis of normalcy at a time when some things I used to take for granted, like live performance, audience interaction, even just joking around with friends, are all but non-existent. I've always been grateful to be able to make this show, but this year, it's given me a connection to comedy, to my friends, and to you that I didn't think would ever feel quite so rare. And it's been amazing to hear from listeners that the show is also helping them cope or connect or feel a little bit normal during this scary and surreal time. So if you are in a position to support Mission to Zyxx financially, we would so appreciate it if you would consider doing so now. And if you're a Maximum Fun listener who's gotten into our show since the last drive, we would be honored if you added us to the list of shows you support and even consider increasing your level. That's maximumfun.org/join. Stay tuned after the episode for details about all the rad stuff you can access/get if you join or upgrade during the drive, including bonus content, gifts, and more. And now I'd like to present a live episode recorded back in January as part of the Brooklyn Podcast Festival at Brooklyn's incredible Bell House with our amazing returning guest, Rachel Wenitsky. If you're anything like me, it will be a little unsettling, heartbreaking, and invigorating to hear the sound of hundreds of people in one room. Thank you so much for listening to Mission to Zyxx. Enjoy.
ALDEN: And, uh, very excited to welcome out our special guest tonight, Rachel Wenitsky! Bring her out here. So tonight you're going to hear an interim episode. This is going to be an episode about what happens between seasons. So this is going to be very exciting. We have one more thing that we would like to do. Because this is an episode that takes place after the season three finale, we don't have a crawl that reflects what is going on in the galaxy right now. So I have a question. Is there anyone in the audience who thinks that they can do a pretty good British accent? Yes, you? All right. Come on up. Come on up. Hi. Thank you. What's your name?
THAT MICHELLE: Michelle.
ALDEN: Michelle. Thank you for being here. Yes. So for those of you who don't know, every episode of Mission to Zyxx starts with a crawl narrated by a dulcet sounding British man. And that's what you're going to do tonight. Yes. So here is the version of the crawl and you're going to read it along with the music. You've got this. All right. Ready? Give Michelle a hand. All right. So you're going to read this and then the episode will begin. Okay. All right. Here goes.
THAT MICHELLE: It is a time of confusion. Seriously, I, what the juck is happening? With the Emperor defeated, the galaxy is sort of unsure what to do, especially because of the emergence of the gigantic, horrifying celestial body that has appeared in the Zyxx Quadrant. It looks like some sort of flaming cosmic zit. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew must plan their next moves, reunite a fractured galaxy and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx!
[Applause]
DAR AND BARGIE: Ughhhhhhh..
PLECK: Hey guys, we're back.
DAR: Oh, not so loud. No, please.
C-53: What the juck happened in here?
DAR: Um, we haven't had a chance to clean up yet.
PLECK: Wait, guys, we were gone for like an hour and a half.
DAR: That's enough time for a powerful orgy.
PLECK: What are you- Why did you do this?
DAR: Because you were gone for an hour and a half.
C-53: Can I just say, I understand why you would do that when Pleck is not here, but it hurts a little bit to find out you've done that when I was here.
BARGIE: I'll tell you why we did it.
PLECK:What's that supposed to mean?
BARGIE: I'll tell you why we did it. Dar and I, we like to chat. You know, we like to decompress. And we complain about our jobs, you know? She has a glass of white, I have a glass of red oil, and we just talk. And we got to talking and we're like, why don't we have an orgy? Although, to clarify, because you know you got dirty minds, Pleck.
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: It wasn't a sexual orgy, okay?
C-53: Oh.
BARGIE: No hatches were opened, okay? No hatch to hatch happened.
PLECK: I mean, it's none of my business.
BARGIE: It was an orgy of the mind.
PLECK: There’s like th-
C-53: Well, now I'm doubly insulted.
[Audience laughter]
PLECK:There's like three people passed out in my room. Who are these people?
BARGIE: Philosophers.
PLECK: Philosophers? I guess that's pretty good.
C-53: Yeah, it's like a professional thinker.
PLECK: Sure, no, I know what a philosopher is.
NERMUT: Hey, guys, guys, I'm stuck. My torso's stuck in this orange beer bottle.
PLECK: Nermut!
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: How did that happen?
NERMUT: I was at a mind orgy. I went to the mind orgy.
C-53: You had the orgy with Nermut and not me?
PLECK: Nermut got the invite to the orgy?
DAR: Not so much the invite as he heard us in the next room.
NERMUT: That's the closest thing to an invite I get.
[audience chuckle]
C-53: All right, Nermut, you've got two options. I can pull you out of the bottle or I can break the bottle.
NERMUT: Oh, boy.
C-53: Neither of these options are good. I want to make that clear.
PLECK: How did you get-- was it like a suction thing or did you crawl-- how did you get inside this bottle?
NERMUT: So you've never been to a mind orgy.
PLECK: I guess.
C-53: Actually, Nermut, you know, I might be able to just–
[Bottle cracks open]
NERMUT: Oh, wow. Ah.
PLECK: Ah, boy. Well, guys, you know, I've got to say, you know, ever since we defeated the emperor, I feel like we've been kind of just coasting, you know?
AJ: I've got a situation here. I've got a situation here, everyone.
PLECK: AJ--
AJ: Everyone be calm.
C-53: You invited AJ to the mind orgy?
DAR: Now, yes, he was invited, yes.
AJ: Absolutely.
C-53: This feels-- I feel very insulted.
PLECK: AJ, what is your situation?
AJ: There is a butt gun incident. I repeat, the butt gun has gone horizontal.
C-53: Ooh boy.
PLECK: Oh my Rodd. Oh my Rodd. AJ, are you okay?
AJ: I'm going to be performing an extraction. Everyone just stay calm. I will not be able to be on the mission. This could take seconds. It could take hours. It could take days. I'm not a doctor.
PLECK: Okay. All right, AJ, I mean, I don't know if we're going to really have a mission, you know, today. We're just sort of cleaning up after the orgy, I guess.
DAR: Oh, thank you for offering to clean up.
PLECK: I sort of meant we as a group.
BARGIE: Thank you, Pleck.
PLECK: All right.
C-53: All right. Okay, all right.
PLECK: I guess I'll just–
C-53: Grab a trash bag and get to work.
AJ: Oh, boy, I just felt the safety go off.
PLECK: Okay, AJ. You need to-
AJ: This thing's hot. We've got a hot butt gun.
C-53: AJ, stay in the bathroom.
PLECK: You need to take care–
[Butt gun emits noise]
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: Are you all right?
AJ: Yeah, absolutely.
ALLIE: [laughter]
PLECK: Okay, all right. All right, AJ, look, I don't know what you're doing or what needs to happen, but, like, if you need help, let us know, but otherwise just maybe keep your distance.
AJ: Okay. All right. We're now at a Code Brown. This is a Code Brown now. It's a Code Brown situation.
PLECK: All right.
AJ: Leave me be! Go on without me!
DAR: Okay.
NERMUT: We agreed to do that.
C-53: Yeah.
PHILOSOPHER: Excuse me. Sorry, these are my books. I'm just going to get out. I'm sorry. Dar, it was so much fun. Bargie.
DAR: It was so nice connecting with you.
NERMUT: [whispering] That's a philosopher.
DAR: I just have to say, you have a beautiful mind.
C-53: [whispering] Sort of a professional thinker!
PLECK: I know what a philosopher is.
PHILOSOPHER: Thank you.
DAR: Goodbye.
PLECK: Would you call that like an escape pod of shame?
[audience laughter]
DAR: Shame?
PLECK: Yeah, like, you know, you're like, "Oh, I'm still wearing my philosopher's garb. Now I got an escape pod home."
BARGIE: There's no shame in what we did.
PLECK: Okay, yeah.
BARGIE: Don't mind the sticky floors though.
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: [clears throat]
PLECK: What is it, Nermut?
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Beep boop boop boop.
PLECK: What are you doing?
C-53: Did Nermut lose his mind during this orgy?!
PLECK: Nermut, what are you doing?
NERMUT: That sounds like someone's calling in. Boop boop boop boop.
C-53: That's not what it sounds like.
DAR: Not what it-
PLECK: You're just making a noise.
NERMUT: I'm never there when it rings on that end. I don't know.
C-53: It doesn't sound like that.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: You know, if you want to talk to us, Nermut, you can just talk to us.
NERMUT: I'm just going to do it from up here on the fridge. Guys, I'm going kind of crazy. We don't have any missions.
PLECK: You know, Nermut, it's okay for us to just relax and have a good time. We defeated the evil emperor. That's good. We can take a couple more missions.
C-53: Ehhh.
DAR: Oooh…
C-53: There’s the black hole thing…
PLECK: Okay, he did transform into a gas giant sized flaming eyeball or something, but that's not our fault.
C-53: It might actually be.
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: I guess that.
BARGIE: I'm being requested to say we have an incoming message from... I can't.
PLECK: Is it Nermut?
BARGIE: Nerf.
NERMUT: [chuckling]
PLECK: All right. Nermut, fine. Do you have a mission for us? What is it?
NERMUT: I was digging in the Missionator, and you know how like a synthesizer will come with pre-recorded music? There's some like stock missions.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Nermut, we're not going to do a tutorial mission on your computer!
PLECK: Also, what would be a stock mission on a Missionator?
NERMUT: I don't know, but I'm just going to say like we might have a chance at succeeding at one.
PLECK: I mean, all right, fine.
DAR: Odds are good.
PLECK: Let's try it out.
MISSIONATOR: It's the Missionator.
C-53: Great startup sound.
DAR: Beautiful.
NERMUT: All right. So go to a planet.
PLECK: What else does it say?
NERMUT: Find resources. Retrieve them. High five.
[communicator beeps]
C-53: Oh.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: That's not me.
C-53: I'm actually getting a call from inside the Midnight Shadow. That's so weird. That almost never happens.
DAR: Almost never happens?
C-53: Well, some calls are private. And that’s just what they are.
DAR: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
PLECK: You should pick it up.
C-53: Yeah.
MARF: Hello? Hello? Is anybody there?
PLECK: Hello? Yes, we're all here.
MARF: My best friends. My best, best friends. Do you know who this is? Oh my rosh!
C-53: Is this Marf?
MARF: Yes!
PLECK: Marf!
MARF: You remember me!
DAR: Whoa!
PLECK: Hey! Marf!
[Audience applauds]
MARF: Oh, it's so good to hear your voices.
NERMUT: Don't mind the cheering, orgy attendees.
C-53; A bunch of people just woke up and applauded.
MARF: That sounded like a bunch of philosophers waking up.
C-53: Yeah.
MARF: Still drunk.
PLECK: Yeah. Marf, how is everything going? Long time no–
MARF: Bad! So bad!
PLECK: Oh no!
MARF: Oh, so bad.
PLECK: What happened?
MARF: Something horrible has-- the worst thing has happened.
NERMUT: Was the whole planet destroyed?
MARF: No.
BARGIE: Did you go on trial for a lot of financial-- no.
MARF: Worse. No. Worse.
C-53: Was a loved one hurt or injured?
MARF: No. No.
DAR: Bad haircut.
MARF: Oh, yes, but I got past it.
CREW: Okay.
MARF: Listen, something terrible has happened. It's almost hard to speak it out loud. So, you know how my whole thing is that I own a store?
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: I mean, you contain multitudes, Marf.
DAR: You're a little more complex than that.
MARF: Have you heard of Marie Kon'Du?
C-53: Oh, yeah.
PLECK: No, I'm not familiar.
MARF: She wrote a book about how you should only keep things that spark joy. So, I read the book and I got rid of all my stuff!
PLECK: No, no, Marf!
C-53: I don’t-
MARF: I got rid of all my stuff!
C-53: I don't think that Mahree Kon'Du--
MARF: It's actually spelled Marie, pronounced Mary.
C-53: Okay. Okay. That's my fault.
MARF: Marie Kon'Du.
C-53: I don't think Marie Kon'Du assumes you own a business. I thought that was just a personal decluttering.
MARF: No, there's an appendix in the back that says this could apply to your small business, your corporation, really anything.
PLECK: That seems maybe like a step too far.
C-53: Yeah, that's--
PLECK: Presumptuous.
C-53: Your corporation?
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: What sparks joy in a corporation?
PLECK: I don't know. That doesn't seem right.
MARF: Either way, I got rid of all my stuff. All I kept was–
TUBE: WHYYYYYY?
PLECK: Oh, you kept your tube, obviously.
C-53: Kept your tube.
MARF: I kept my tube. But only one! And I miss the rest of my tubes!
C-53: Marf, we feel terrible about this.
DAR: Um, we do feel bad. What can we doOo?
PLECK: Dar, what was that?
C-53: You okay?
DAR: What can we do, really? This is a good question.
C-53: You don't’ wanna go to bat for Marf and try to get her things back?
DAR: Oh, that's where this is headed?
C-53: I thought so.
PLECK: You know, guys, we are looking for a mission. Maybe we could help Marf get some of her stuff back.
MARF: Could you?
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
C-53; I think so.
MARF: Could you really?
C-53: What happened to all the stuff?
MARF: Well, so I gave it all away.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Okay, so-
MARF: To a junk planet.
CREW: Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
C-53; No, no. Just taking a wild stab based on planets in the vicinity and known junkers.
MARF: Yep.
C-53: You didn't give it to the Treetorhns, did you?
MAF: I may have.
C-53: Ahhh.
PLECK: Marf, Marf!
MARF: Yeah. I may have.
NERMUT: Ah, she mighta.
C-53: Marf, Marf, those are some of the shrewdest traders in the galaxy.
MARF: That's why I've called you. I need help. I need my best friends to come help me get my stuff back.
PLECK: Alright, well, Marf, you know, we'll meet you there, I guess. You know, we can give it a shot, right?
MARF: Yeah, I'll meet you there.
PLECK: Guys, this is good. We have a mission. We can help our friend. Huh?
DAR: She said best friend.
MARF: I'm still here.
C-53: Oh, hey, Marf.
[transition, audience applause]
PLECK: Wow.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: I had no idea how much junk there is on this planet.
C-53: This is sort of their deal.
[audience laughter]
PLECK: Okay. Alright.
C-53: I'm just saying. I specifically said.
PLECK: Yes, I know.
C-53: Marf said it was a junk planet. I said there were junkers.
PLECK: I know. I know. Okay, in retrospect, that was a dumb thing to say, but I'm just saying, like, the buildings are made of junk. The vehicles are made of junk. There's people who are, like, wearing cotton, like, wardrobe.
C-53: They're junkers.
PLECK: I get that. I get that.
JUNKER: Nice eye patch.
PLECK: Thank you.
JUNKER: I will sell it back to you.
PLECK: What? No. What? Ah!
[Junker snatches eye patch]
JUNKER: You seem to be in need of an eye patch.
JUNKEE: I want an eye patch. I want an eye patch.
JUNKER: Oh, let's start the bidding over here.
C-53: Give me that.
PLECK: Thank you.
C-53: Pleck, you got to watch yourself.
DAR: He's never going to learn if you just take back the eye patch for him.
C-53: I know, but I feel like just going free socket is going to make it harder to negotiate.
DAR: It’s very… Nobody likes. No.
TIRE: Hello. I am a tire.
PLECK: Guys, this tire is talking to us.
C-53: This is one of these… Ronka Cybernetic Corporation made sentient tires for a while. It was really weird…
TIRE: [crying] I'm selling my family. Would you like any other tires?
PLECK: No.
TIRE: Please!
C-53: They couldn't include a full cybernetic brain in the tire.
PLECK: But they have a family.
BABY TIRE: I'm five years old. I'm an all weather radial!
C-53: They understand enough to speak, but not enough to understand like a moral dilemma is the problem.
PLECK: I don't know…
DAR: How much?
PLECK: DAR! Don't buy a set of tires.
DAR: It could be a good deal.
PLECK: We don't need any tires.
C-53: We’re in space, Dar.
DAR: They're clearly in a jam. They’re going to let the whole family go for real cheap.
TIRE: Oh… son… never forget my face..
BABY TIRE: Yes, mother?
PLECK: Oh no!
TIRE: I’m rolling away!
BABY TIRE: No!!!
DAR: Oh, okay. How much?
BABY TIRE: Six kroons for the four.
C-53: That's a great deal.
PLECK: No, it's not!
C-53: It is!
PLECK: We don't need it.
C-53: Just practically. Six kroons f-
BABY TIRE: Just know before you buy us, as you drive upon us, it wears down our tiny bodies.
PLECK: Oh my Rodd.
C-53: Yeah, you see why the market for these never really took off.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah. No. Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry. Go find your mom, I guess.
MARF: Guys! Guys!
C-53: Marf!
MARF: It's me. I'm far away. I'm running towards you.
PLECK: Oh, Marf!
MARF: Guys!
C-53: Keep coming this direction!
DAR: Oh, she’s cresting that junk hill!
MARF: Oh, I'm taking a rest.
PLECK: That's fine. That's fine.
C-53: Don't need to tire yourself out, we’ll wait.
MARF: Oh, okay. I'm running again. I'm here.
C-53: Great!
DAR: Wow!
MARF: Oh, hey.
PLECK: Marf, it is great to see you again.
MARF: It's amazing to see you all.
C-53: We're also so sorry about the- I mean, it seemed like a good idea. You know, clarify your life, make it simpler.
DAR: Yeah, we're sorry that book ruined your life.
MARF: It really did. And then when I was done, I had to get rid of the book.
PLECK: Sure.
MARF:It was awful.
PLECK: Do you feel, you know, freed at all? I know you can come and go from your planet as you please.
MARF: I guess. But what use is your freedom when you don't have a bunch of junk in a basement to love?
C-53: Yeah. She brings up a good point.
DAR: Yeah, that’s true.
PLECK: I guess. Well, listen, Marf, do you have like a list? Like, what do you need us to get for you?
MARF: Okay, so I'd love to get back my bunch of frisbees.
DAR: Sure.
C-53: Just going to make a itemized list here. Bunch of frisbees.
MARF: I need the shield of Whim.
C-53: Shield of Whim. Okay.
PLECK: Priority wise, are the frisbees below or above?
MARF: Frisbees are first.
PLECK: Wow, really?
C-53: Keeping frisbees up top?
MARF: They were at the front of my store and I would see them every single day. I just miss them.
PLECK: Okay. All right.
MARF: So round.
DAR: And in a pinch, frisbees can be plates. So that makes sense.
C-53: Or a shield. Sure.
PLECK: On a whim? Is the Shield of Whim a frisbee? Be clear about this.
MARF: I can't say that it can't be used as a frisbee.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Famously, it’s round. It's quite thin.
PLECK: What else is on the list?
MARF: There's the great jeweled helmet of Myrd.
PLECK: Oh, okay.
MARF: Have you heard of it?
C-53: Great jeweled helmet of Myrd, absolutely.
PLECK: Yeah.
MARF: I pulled it out of a dune.
C-53: Yeah.
MARF: And of course, my precious tubes.
PLECK: Sure.
TUBE: WHhhhHHHY…
PLECK: Oh, wow. Yeah.
DAR: I hear it. Someone's using it right now.
PLECK: Wait, is that the one you have or is that a different one?
MARF: No, that's a different tube. Mine makes a sound like this.
TUBE: WHYYYYYYYYYY
PLECK: You've got to follow that tube.
C-53: There might be… There's sand or something in yours.
MARF: Yeah, that's why I need the rest of my tubes. Mine.. The sound is fading a little bit. It just sounds like this.
TUBE: WH-WH-WH-WH-
C-53: That's not ideal.
MARF: I can't stand that.
C-53: All right. Well, before anything gets sold away, maybe we should split up?
PLECK: Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. You know what? I'll go try to find the frisbees.
MARF: Great.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: I could look for the great jeweled helmet of Myrd.
PLECK: Sure.
MARF: Thank you.
DAR: I'll look for the Shield of Whim.
MARF: I guess I'll look for the tubes.
PLECK: Great.
DAR: Good. So we're all going off by ourselves?
PLECK: Yep. Yeah.
C-53: I don't see any problems with that plan.
[audience laughter, transition]
C-53: Quite a helmet you’ve got there.
DEALER: Well, it has many jewels.
C-53: I guess you could say that's a lot of jewels. I don't know. I've seen helmets with more jewels on them before.
DEALER: What did you say? [pulls out blaster]
C-53: Okay. All right. I'm just saying it's--
DEALER: Where did you see such a helmet with more jewels?
C-53: Oh, um… Just out and about in the galaxy, I guess.
DEALER: Out and about?
C-53: Yeah.
DEALER: Where? I need it. Hold this worse helmet.
C-53: Okay.
[audience laughter]
DEALER: Point me out and about.
C-53: And all you need is me pointing the direction?
DEALER: It better be the right one.
C-53: Brother, you're going to love this direction.
DEALER: Okay. Here I go, but just to be safe, you wait here.
C-53: I absolutely will do that.
DEALER: [evil laughter]
C-53: I don't know why HE’S laughing.
[Audience applauds, transition music]
PLECK: What do you mean 30,000 kroons for these Frisbees? That's too much.
FRISBEE GUY: [alien gibberish]
PLECK: I'm just saying they're mass produced. There's millions of them.
FRISBEE GUY: [alien gibberish]
PLECK: Okay. Listen. I don't have 30,000 croon. I can-- I don't know. Ten kroon?
FRISBEE GUY: [conspiratorial alien gibberish]
PLECK: No, I can't do 20,000 either.
FRISBEE GUY: [amorous alien gibberish]
PLECK: Okay. 12 kroon.
FRISBEE GUY: [amorous alien gibberish followed with a kissy sound]
PLECK: 12 kroon and a kiss?
FRISBEE GUY: [agreeing alien gibberish]
PLECK: I don't know. Seems… wrong.
[laughter]
PLECK: Are you saying that a kiss from me is worth, I don't know, 18,000 some kroon?
C-53: 19,998 kroon. I was just behind you.
PLECK: Where did you get the helmet? How did you get that?
C-53: Oh, you know.
PLECK: I've been negotiating with this Treetorhn for 20 minutes or so.
FRISBEE GUY: Uh uh! [alien gibberish]
C-53: A kiss from me? I don't have what you'd call a mouth in many respects. But who am I to say no?
[horrible electronic, organic mashing sounds]
PLECK: Wow. Man, C-53, master negotiator. How do you think Dar's doing finding that shield?
[transition]
DAR: All right. For a bunch of tires, you're all pretty good at Frisbee.
BABY TIRE: Thank you. Thank you.
SAD TIRE: Is our mother coming back?
DAR: Uh...
[audience laughter]
SAD TIRE: Will you tell us a story like our mother used to?
DEFLATED TIRE: Because here's the problem. We love her.
HAPPY TIRE: She is the air to our tire.
SAD TIRE: She literally fills us with air.
DAR: Okay. Uh…
PLECK: Dar, how's it going?
DAR: Badly. I mean, I have the Shield of Whim, but... These tires are making me feel real bad.
PLECK: Yeah, I really, you know, when we came to the junk planet, I thought, we're going to do a lot of negotiating, we're going to meet a lot of cool weird people, we're going to see a lot of stuff. The depressing tires were not... I would never have guessed that that would...
DAR: And they're literally depressing because their mother's not here to give them air.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah. They're actually extremely poorly made tires. They lose a lot of air. They're not good.
PLECK: Listen, I got to call Marf and see how she's doing. Hey, Marf. [communicator beeps]
MARF: [noises of effort] Oh, hey!
PLECK: What?
MARF: I'm in a fight!
C-53: Whoa!
MARF: Stop it! Hey, those are my tubes! Give me that tube back!
C-53: Marf!
TUBE: WhhhHHHHHY… WHHYHhhHYHYHYyy…
MARF: Take this!
C-53: Marf, we're coming to your location.
PLECK: We're coming, Marf. We're coming.
MARF: Come quick! I’m–[muffled] tubes!
C-53: Is this how you expected it to go?
PLECK: No. No.
HAPPY TIRE: Our father deflated.
PLECK: We got to go. We got to go. We got to go.
ALDEN: We're going to take a ten minute break. Get a drink. We'll see you in a few minutes!
[audience applauds, transition music]
PLECK: C-53, are you sure the coordinates lead here? This is not like the rest of the planet.
C-53: This is gross. This is really gross. I mean, it's still junk, but it's like gross junk.
PLECK: Yeah. Some of this stuff looks like it's been here for years and years.
C-53: This is monarchy era junk!
PLECK: I don't like this.
DAR: How much for that?
C-53: Dar, no. We’re trying to-
PLECK: Dar, what are you doing?
DAR: I mean, you just heard yourselves, right? This is disgusting. I'm going to get a really good deal.
PLECK: No. Dar, we are trying to find Marf. She's in trouble.
C-53: Our best friend is in danger!
MARIE: How much would you like to pay? My name is Marie.
DAR: Huh. How do you spell it?
MARIE: [voice deepening] M-A-R-I-E.
C-53: Wait a minute.
PLECK: Oh no! It just got so much bigger.
C-53: Yeah, as you spoke a giant back half of you rose up!
PLECK: Oh, that's disgusting. Who are-
KON’DU: You're taking too much time. You've got to make a decision. Do you want something or not?
PLECK: Who are you?
MARIE: My second head goes by Kon’Du.
PLECK: What have you done with Marf?
MARF: [muffled] I’m up here!
C-53: She's up there.
PLECK: Guys, don't worry. I've got this. I'm a trained Zima Knight. All right, you--
DAR: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
C-53: What is the plan here?
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: I'm just going to go up and whack the monster a few times.
C-53: You're going to hit a monster with a stick? That’s the plan?
PLECK: It's awood saber.
DAR: That's the first time you've picked that up in days.
PLECK: Okay, I have an innate ability to use it.
MARIE: While you argue over sticks, maybe consider a discount set of tubes?
TUBES: WHYYHHHYHYHYYY
PLECK: Those tubes don't belong to you. We want them back.
DAR: Pleck, don't run at the-- No, don't do that. Pleck, hey, no.
PLECK: [grunty attacky sounds]
C-53: Just sad to watch.
DAR: Yeah. You're embarrassing us.
KON’DU: We’d like to apologize. We were sitting down. Why don't we…
MARIE AND KON’DU: STAND UP ?
PLECK: [screaming]
C-53: Whoa.
MARIE: And why don't we pause for a little backstory?
PLECK: Uh, I don't know if you need to do that.
MARIE: We convince idiots to get rid of their precious, precious things.
C-53: It's a classic scam!
PLECK: Of course, it's a scam!
KON’DU: And then we take those precious things and make them part of us. Har har har har!
C-53: Very deliberate laughter.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: C-53, can you tell how big this monster is when it goes underground?
C-53: I mean, my sensors are only so powerful. There's so much interference from all this material.
KON’DU: The only thing that could bring us down is-- Wait, should we-- We never discuss this part. Do we tell them?
MARIE: Do we tell them?
PLECK: Are they going to reveal their weakness right now?
MARIE AND KON’DU: No, no, no.
C-53: Give the Dinglehopper back to Marf! You should give it to Marf. Marf knows how to use it.
PLECK: But she's all the way up there.
C-53: You can throw it. I don't know.
PLECK: You know, you're right. Marf.
MARF: Hm?
PLECK: You were always better with this than I was. Here. Catch!
MARF: [Mutters and uses the Dinglehopper]
C-53: See?
MARF: I cut the gag out of my mouth!
PLECK: Wow, cool.
C-53: Look when she does it-
MARIE: Very risky.
C-53: It like-You hear that sound?
PLECK: Yeah, I hear it. I hear it.
C-53: When she holds it, it’s like, wow!
KON’DU: We're sorry, Marf, but your stuff belongs to us.
MARF: I don't think so, Marie Kon’du, because I've got a little backstory of my own, and it's called "I'm Really Good at This Thing That I'm Holding." Here I come! Shing! Shwing! Shing, hoo, ha!
[Marf demolishes the monster]
PLECK: Wow!
C-53: I like that she makes her own sound effects in addition to the sound effects.
MARIE: We have no choice but to throw all of these love seats at you.
MARF: No! Not love seats!
MARIE: Deal with the irony!
C-53: Pleck!
MARF: No! No! Ow!
KON’DU: Lazyboy! The ones that recline! This one has a massager!
MARF: Shwing!
MARIE KON’DU: OGHHH!
MARF: Wait, did that... do it? Was it the final shwing that…
PLECK: I think so.
DAR: Was it the final shwing?
KON’DU: Here are some plastic bottles.
[Marf wildly swings]
MARF: No, it wasn't! That was the final-- No! Ow! Shwing! Shwing! Shwing!
MARIE: You thought they were recyclable. [laughing] They last forever!
MARF: Wait, there's one more shwing left in me! Here it comes. Hold on. I'm taking a rest. [panting]
C-53: Smart. Don't waste your energy.
PLECK: You got to rest.
MARF: It's hard.
PLECK: You don't want to push yourself too hard.
MARF: This space is hard.
MARIE: Oh, you--
MARF: Shwing!
MARIE KON’DU: [screaming explosion]
[audience cheering]
C-53: Classic fake-out!
MARF: Wow!
KON’DU: Our weakness was a moment of confusion!
MARIE: Confusion!
C-53: Lured in… tricked.
PLECK: I guess we'll never really know who or what Marie Kon'Du was.
DAR: Well no, it was clearly a two-headed garbage monster.
PLECK: Yeah, sure. I mean, besides that. I mean, like, was it always in the garbage--
MARF: Hey! Hey!
PLECK: What?
MARF: Listen!
TUBES: WhyyyyyyYY!
C-53: Marf, it's your tubes!
MARF: Wait, it's somewhere in this pile of junk! I'm going to search for it! Help me dig! Come on, tube! I know I'm close! Tube, where are you? I'm coming, tube! Wait for me, tube! [grabs tubes] My tube! My precious tube! I love you so much, my beautiful tube. [singing] Oh, my beautiful tube, I missed you. Missed my beautiful tube, I missed you.
MARIE: Beautiful music is the only thing that resurrects us!
MARF: No!
KON’DU: So beautiful!
MARF: Oh, no, what do we do? Juck, my voice is just too beautiful. This always happens!
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: Sorry, you singing so beautifully that somebody is resurrected from the dead has happened to you multiple times?
MARF: Yes, people are like, wow, amazing.
SETH: Boododooododooo, flashback, bododoooo…
MARF: ♪ Hoowa, I walking down the street to work-- ♪
DEAD PERSON: [screaming]
MARF: Oh, no!
DEAD PERSON: Oh, what the juck!
ALIVE PERSON: My mother wanted-- that was assisted suicide. She was in pain.
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to be alive!
MARF: I'm so sorry!
DEAD PERSON: What did you do to me?
MARF: I'm so sorry!
DEAD PERSON: [screaming]
ALIVE PERSON: Jucking idiot!
MARF: I'm so sorry!
ALLIE: [frantic] End flashback, end flashback!
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: I watched you go through something in your mind.
PLECK: I don't know what you were just thinking about, but it looked pretty jucked up.
MARF: You don't want to know.
C-53; Sounds intense and inappropriate.
[laughing]
PLECK: In fact, I'm glad we don't know what it was. I hope we never know. You know, guys, I don't feel comfortable down here. I think we should get back to the surface.
KON’DU: We’re still.. Alive?
C-53: The garbage monster is blocking our way. Remember the garbage monster that came back to life?
MARF: Marie Kon’Du is back alive because of my beautiful singing. We have to stop her, but I'm all out of shwings.
DAR: Oh, I know. Pleck, try singing.
PLECK: What if it resurrects it again because it's so beautiful?
MARIE: We're alive.
C-53: Yeah, okay. Let's see.
PLECK: Okay. [singing] There's a--
KON’DU: Okay, bye-bye.
MARIE: Bye!
[explosion]
C-53: That was like two notes.
PLECK: Yeah, that's very fast.
MARF: You did it. Your bad voice saved the day!
PLECK: Okay, I have a pretty good voice.
MARF: Your bad voice was in you the whole time!
PLECK: Well, happy to help, I guess.
MARF: Thank you so much for helping me. Look, all of my tubes, my shoe, all of my stuff.
PLECK: Yeah, there's like 65 C-series droid frames over there.
C-53: Yeah, got the whole set.
MARF: Yeah, I get I didn't need them, but, you know, I guess it's okay to have some stuff.
PLECK: I mean, sure. You know, Marf, I feel like being down here in the bowels of Marie Kon’Du, it makes me realize, you know, there's got to be a middle ground. You know, you can have some stuff. You don't have to get rid of everything. You have to be true to who you are, but you just can't let it get out of hand.
MARF: You're right. I really feel like, in a way, defeating Marie Kon’Du was like a metaphor.
C-53: How do you figure?
MARF: Well, I think it's a metaphor because, like, I wanted stuff, but then I got rid of, like, the stuff, and then I wanted it back, but then I met, like, a stuff monster who kind of represented, like, that voice in my head that was like, "Collect more stuff! Spend money on stuff!" And then I defeated that monster, and so it was sort of like saying that I didn't need my stuff, and in that way, I feel like, ultimately, it is a metaphor.
C-53: You know who would love this? A mind orgy. They would be all over this situation.
MARF: Oh, yeah, yeah.
PLECK: Yeah. We should call up some philosophers.
[transition, audience applauds]
AJ: Oh, hey, guys. How did the mission go?
PLECK: Oh, hey, AJ.
C-53: Good.
AJ: Oh, it was good. How did the butt gun--
AJ: Pretty good.
PLECK: Really?
AJ: Butt gun extracted and then placed back up into my butt.
PLECK: What? You put it back?
Aj: Yeah, absolutely.
PLECK: I don't-- All right, man. Mm. Nermut, how did it go up here?
NERMUT: It took him a real long time. It was nasty.
[communicator beeps]
C-53: Oh. Oh. Uh-- I'm getting another phone call. Let me just--
MARF: Oh. Hey!
PLECK: Hey, Marf!
C-53: You got the store back in shape. Everything's back where it was.
PLECK: It looks great.
MARF: Yeah, thank you. I feel really good about it. You guys got to stop by sometime.
C-53: Oh, we should.
PLECK: It looks very tidy.
MARF: It's smaller. It's clean. It's-- well, it's just the stuff I need.
HAPPY TIRE: And tires!
C-53: Oh, you took the tires.
PLECK: You sell tires now?
MARF: Oh, yeah. I sell tires now.
PLECK: They-- Marf, they look so happy.
MARF: Yeah. No one wants them.
[audience laughter]
DAR: How much for the tires?
MARF: Oh, they're not for sale.
CREW: [laughter]
DAR: That doesn't make sense. It's a store.
C-53: Okay, all right, DAr.
PLECK: Okay. Marf, you know, it was great to see you again. And you did great work out there with the dinglehopper.
MARF: Of course. But hey, Pleck.
PLECK: Yeah?
MARF: Check your back pocket.
PLECK: Oh!
MARF: That's right. I put the dinglehopper in your back pocket in the chaos of the end of that whole thing that happened before.
PLECK: Wow.
DAR: You didn't notice?
C-53: It's a big stick.
PLECK: I mean, I-- well, you know, it's just-- it's the-- the thing is that the robe is always kind of, like, whacking against--
C-53: How numb is your buttocks?
PLECK: My buttocks are not numb, okay? It's just-- I have a lot of layers. They're always shifting. There's the shorts, which are very tight, and then the robe, which is very loose. It's-- you wouldn't understand-- you don't even have nerve endings, C-53.
C-53: Wow! Wow! Wow!
[audience ooos]
MARF: I hope you make good use of it. All I have left to say is... ♪ Enjoy the dinglehopper ♪ ♪ I hope you have a-- ♪
PLECK: Wow! Whoa! That guy just woke up.
DEAD PERSON: Hello? Hello?
DOCTOR: That guy was dead.
[outro music over audience applause]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5. Credits and attributions droid. Commencing outro protocol. Papa Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. [cheers and applause] C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. [cheers and applause] Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. [cheers and applause] Bargie the Ship, Sad Tire, Kiss-Seeking Junker, and Mary-- or excuse me, Marie-- were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. [cheers and applause] Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, Depressed Child Tire, and Kon’Du were played by Seth Lind. [cheers and applause] AJ was played in absentia by Winston Noel. [cheers and applause] Marf was played by special guest Rachel Wenitsky. [cheers and applause] This episode was performed live at the Bell House at the Brooklyn Podcast Festival. [cheers and applause] Live sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. [cheers and applause] Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Michelle! [cheers and applause] Ship design for the Bargerean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. And Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. [cheers and applause] A special thanks to everyone who came to this performance and chanted "Legs." [cheers and applause]
ALDEN: Guys, that's our show. Thank you so much for coming out. [cheers and applause] Enjoy the rest of the festival. Have a great night! [cheers and applause]
ALDEN: Hey there, it's Alden again. I mentioned up top that we would tell you about some of the exclusive content and gifts you can get for becoming a new or upgrading member of Maximum Fun. So, here we go. If you join now, at any level, you will get access to exclusive Mission to Zyxx content, including five more live episodes with a sixth on the way very soon. Also, mailbag episodes, ringtones, behind-the-scenes features showing how we make the show, the full-length Bermut Nundaloy album, which is a real thing, and of course, a link to join our Mission to Zyxx Discord server, which is full of amazing, friendly, hilarious, and kind Mission to Zyxx listeners like you. If you become a member at MaximumFun.org/Join, you'll get access to all of this exclusive stuff and more to be released in the future, plus bonus content from all of the other MaxFun shows. So, that's for every member, as low as $5 per month. And, of course, there's amazing physical stuff that you can get also, and we've learned this season how important the stuff truly is. If you join at or upgrade to $10 a month, you can get a custom enamel Mission to Zyxx pin that's only available during this year's drive, plus access to the bonus content. Our brand-new pin gives you the chance to publicly display your devotion to the horrifying Allwheat. And then, at $20 per month, you'll get a beautiful custom deck of Maximum Fun playing cards and six custom dice, plus the pin and the bonus content. And at $35 a month, a Maximum Fun camp mug engraved with their snazzy rocket logo, the game pack, the pin, and all the bonus content. You choose whatever level's right for you at MaximumFun.org/join, select Mission to Zyxx, enter your info, and kablammo, you are making the show with us. Thank you again for listening and for helping. And to those of you who have joined already this week without me even saying anything, that's amazing. That means so much to us. Join these heroes, old and new, at MaximumFun.org/join. See you next week.
MAXIMUM FUN: Maximum Fun dot org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
MOUJAN: So today we're going to be using you guys to help us in our upcoming fourth season.
SETH: That is if you would like to have your voices in the show. (cheers and applause) Great. If you don't want your voice in the show, just don't say anything. This first one is very clear. This is obviously going to give away a big thing. You're going to be able to figure out what the episode is about.
MOUJAN: Huge.
SETH: We are going to say, "We are legs, army of legs."
CROWD CHANTING: We are legs, army of legs! We are legs, army of legs! We are legs, army of legs! We are legs, army of legs!
SETH: Amazing. Sorry for the big spoiler. I know that everyone was wondering. And it’s… the answer is yes. Thank you so much!
ALDEN: Wow, that was awesome. That was incredible.
JEREMY: Those sounds and more available-[fades out]