407: Come to Your Census [ft. Ryan Karels]
The crew encounters a small creature who asks big questions. Hosehat nails Pleck. AJ takes a spacewalk. Dar has a type.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with an announcement, due to a planetary pandemic in your system, Mission to Zyxx is moving to a bi-weekly release schedule for the remainder of season four. This will give our crew the time they need to recalibrate for fully remote recording, editing and mixing. But, do not despair, we'll be releasing some exciting bonus content intermittently, to keep your feed fresh during these unprecedentedly wack time. For the latest info, follow us on socially distanced media, @ missiontozyxx. Please stay safe, and may at least six feet of the space, be with you.
[intro music begins]
NARRATOR: It is a time of chaos, without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat- which looks like a bad dream, but y’know, bigger. Now Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite the fractured galaxy and meet weird bug creatures, and stuff. This, is Mission to Zyxx.
BARGIE: Hey Dar, I taught Horsehat a new trick.
DAR: Oh! It’s- Horsehat’s a baby, not a pet?
BARGIE: Yeah, but look at this.
[baby Horsehat babbling as they run over before doing a backflip]
AJ: Woah that's a full backflip!
DAR: [audibly nervous] Oh! Ah, ok. Haha oh that’s-
BARGIE: Also, I taught them how to do an impression of anybody in the ship, so do an impression of AJ!
[Horsehat shouts softly before crushing a can on their head]
DAR: Oh, that's pretty good.
AJ: Pretty good. No, it got me.
BARGIE: Now do…uh C-53.
[Horsehat mashes buttons on Bargie’s console]
HORSEHAT: Ah-ohhh.
[AJ laughs]
C-53: [skeptical] Hmm.
AJ: Dead on!
DAR: Uhh.
C-53: I don't know if that's super accurate.
DAR: I don’t know that’s-
BARGIE: [interrupting loudly] DO BARGIE!
[Horsehat babbles throatily]
BARGIE: [laughing] That's pretty good.
[Horsehat, now babbling hoarsely, lighting a cigar]
DAR: Where'd the baby get a cigar?
BARGIE: And here's Pleck.
[Horsehat starts crying, and then pooping]
C-53: Oh that one is great, that is very good.
DAR: That one is spot on. Wait, where's Pleck? Pleck?
[crew walking to Pleck’s door]
AJ: Papa!
[AJ knocks on Plecks door]
PLECK: Yeah, what is it guys?
DAR: [concerned] Where have you been?
AJ: What's going on?
BARGIE: You sound sad.
DAR: You've been- kind of locking yourself away in your room.
[crew walks back to the bridge]
PLECK: Uhh y'know, yeah I have some thinking to do, I have some meditation.
DAR: I know it's just you- you usually crave contact and- you locked yourself away in your teeny tiny baby room.
PLECK: Y'know uh- being in that bureau really made me realize that uhh, y’know I do some good thinking when I'm by myself, so. I think that I have some unfinished business as it pertains to the Allwheat. I've made a decision, I don't think I did- fulfill my destiny.
DAR: Ohh so you- you’ve been sulking.
PLECK: And in order to fulfill it-
DAR: You've been sulking in your room.
AJ: Yeah..
PLECK: I wouldn't say sulking, I would say-
DAR: Ohh yeah.
BARGIE: Horsehat, be Pleck again.
[Horsehat begins crying]
PLECK: [deadpan] Okay.
AJ: Oh that sounds about right.
DAR: Yeah that's about right.
BARGIE: Pleck, as you know I've had many, many hours of therapy at this point.
DAR: All those hours of training, to be a therapist, yeah.
BARGIE: Yes, yes.
AJ: Wait- huh?
BARGIE: Well, by going to therapy, if you go enough hours you are awarded a therapist license.
AJ: Ah
PLECK: [disbelieving] That can't be right.
AJ: Checks out.
BARGIE: Yeah, anyway, I'm here for you if you ever need me.
PLECK: Uhm- I'm actually probably good right now- Bargie, but I will, I'll keep you posted.
DAR: I mean you know the saying Pleck, strike while the iron is cold.
PLECK: Is that? Is that the saying?
C-53: You don't want to strike while the iron is hot, you'll burn yourself.
DAR: Yeah
PLECK: Sure.
AJ: Yeah, why would you do that- it's insane.
C-53: If you're gonna defeat an iron, strike while it's cold.
AJ: And you can crack it!
C-53: That's true- if it's cold enough.
AJ: You could just- pop!
C-53: You could shatter an iron with one blow.
DAR: Yeah, yeah, so y’know start therapy when it's ok, not when you're- hot.
[knocking coming from Bargie’s hull]
BARGIE: Oh, hey! Sorry there's someone uh- gently knocking at my hull.
C-53: Oh is that what that sound is?
PLECK: Wait, there's someone knocking on your hull?
[Bargies new doorbell buzzes]
BARGIE: They found my new doorbell.
[Bargie’s doorbell, in her own voice, repeatedly buzzes: SOMEONE AT THE DOOR. SOMEONE AT THE DOOR.]
[Pleck groans]
PLECK: Bargie, we let a pirate onto the ship the other day, do you have an external camera? Can we look at this person? Or do we just let them inside and see?
BARGIE: [offended] Do I have an external camera? What am I? Young?
PLECK: [nervous] Uhhh.
BARGIE: That's a joke! Of Course I do, I recently got plastic surgery, yeah.
[sound of camera screen being pulled up]
DAR: Wait, is that Nermut?
GLLOYD: Hello.
DAR: [taken aback] Oh, no.
C-53: [surprised] No..
PLECK: [whispering] Guys it’s a- it’s a Lird, in a little spacesuit.
C-53: Well- you don't have to say ‘little’ spacesuit, it's just a Lird size spacesuit. Uhh wait, here- let’s, let’s let him in.
[Bargie’s hull alarm begins]
PLECK: Uh, yeah! Come on in, there's the airlock.
[airlock opens to the room]
[Horsehat babbles and stomps over to Glloyd]
DAR: [panicking] Oh wait! No no no, Horsehat put them down! That's not Nermut! I’m so sorry, I'm so sorry.
PLECK: Oh, sorry. Sorry.
[Horsehat drops Glloyd]
DAR: I'm sorry, It's just that Horsehat thought you were a different Lird.
GLLOYD: [panting under helmet] I understand, thank you for the warm welcome. I am Glloyd T. Beam, here from the Tremillion Census Bureau.
[Glloyd unzips his suit and removes his helmet]
DAR: Wait..
PLECK: Huh.
C-53: Ohhh, the Census Bureau.
DAR: I didn't realize it was.. back and running.
PLECK: You- you just go ship to ship taking the census?
GLLOYD: Yes, it is our duty to go ship to ship to quantify every element that is in the Tremillion Sector.
AJ: Woah!
C-53: Yeah Pleck, of course they go ship to ship, how would they get an accurate count?
PLECK: Maybe they could wait until we land somewhere, probably.
C-53: [incredulously] They're gonna wait until every sentient lands?
PLECK: They're gonna send a Lird out- it, it looks like you just have like a jetpack to get from place to place?
GLLOYD: Yep, I travel light.
C-53: Very maneuverable!
PLECK: I don't understand, can you go to hyperspace, with that jetpack?
GLLOYD: It goes to hyperspace three.
PLECK: Wow!
AJ: Woah.
DAR: Woah!
C-53: Not a lot of mass.
DAR: [laughing] Any faster and your face would melt off.
BARGIE: Wait, sorry, you do census? So you know all the statuses of all the ships?
GLLOYD: Yes, we compile all the data at the Bureau Headquarters.
BARGIE: I just, I just wanna know uh- is Hoofins P. Jork alive?
GLLOYD: [flipping through pages] Hoofins P. Jork…
BARGIE: A ship, we had uhm, an amazing weekend- very, very long time ago. I've always wondered if they-
PLECK: Bargie, are you asking a census taker about an ex?
BARGIE: No! I just wanna know if they are currently, running.
GLLOYD: Unfortunately, it would be a breach of my duty-
C-53: Oh of course yeah.
BARGIE: Sure.
GLLOYD: -to reveal information from another census I took.
C-53: Right, right.
BARGIE: Okay.
GLLOYD: We are completely by the book here!
BARGIE: Uhuh.
AJ: Papa, that's like our lizard man.
PLECK: Yeah, by the book for sure.
AJ/C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, we know another uh- Lird!
GLLOYD: Well not all Lirds are the same.
PLECK: Yeah- no I would never- if not-
C-53: Yeah no, that's not-
PLECK: Obviously not, not at all.
AJ: [whispering] But this one feels a lot like the one that we-
C-53: Uh, Glloyd, I guess I'm surprised the Census Bureau is still operational, what with the Emperor having disp- who exactly is running the board?
GLLOYD: My- superiors, at the Tremillion Census Bureau.
DAR: Right, and then, who do they work for?
GLLOYD: [slowly] Uhhhh the.. leadership chain of the..Tremillion Board uh-
AJ: Sweating a lot..
DAR: Keeps running his hands over the feathers on top of his head.
GLLOYD: Let’s get on with the census, I'm here to conduct a census,
C-53/AJ: Oh, ok yeah. / Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no no.
DAR: Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.
GLLOYD: And afterwards, we can hangout, if there's any more time.
AJ: That sounds awesome.
DAR: Alright, well why don't you uh, come on in, we can all take a seat.
[crew walks from the hull]
C-53: Glloyd can I get you anything to drink?
GLLOYD: Just some distilled water please.
C-53: Alright.
GLLOYD: Uhm, do you have any heat rocks to sit on?
PLECK: Uhh, no.
DAR: [apologetically] Ooh, no.
PLECK: We had one but we actually gave it to- you know the other Lird that I was-, I- we gave it to him.
GLLOYD: Right.
[C-53 pouring water just to the side of the crew]
C-53: Ah, here's that water.
GLLOYD: Thank you.
[Glloyd drinking extremely loudly]
AJ: Woah.
GLLOYD: [satisfied sigh] Hyperspeed three gets a little dry, in the throat.
DAR: Mhm.
C-53: Yeah, that'll dehydrate you.
GLLOYD: Especially on a jetpack.
C-53: Sure.
GLLOYD: Well let's get started shall we.
PLECK: Ok, yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: [loading gun and running around] Let's do this!
C-53: [wary] You can- you can put the gun away.
AJ: Alright, ok yeah.
GLLOYD: Okay.
[Glloyd’s laptop boots up, singing: welcome to the census-nator]
GLLOYD: Question one: I need to know the number of people living, or staying at this ship as of the first of the year.
C-53: Ok, oh great-
DAR: Oh!
C-53: -we can do that count.
DAR: Oh, yeah!
PLECK: Pretty- pretty straight forward-
BARGIE: [matter of factly] Thirty five.
C-53: Oof, uhh.
AJ: Wait what.
PLECK: Uhh.
C-53: Barg, what?
PLECK: Bargie that seems high I think- I think it's really just the five of us. Me, C-53, AJ, Dar and Horsehat.
C-53: Do we count Bargie?
GLLOYD: Is Bargie sentient?
C-53: Yeah.
DAR: Well, Yeah-
PLECK: Yeah
DAR: -but Bargie isn't on this ship.
C-53: [emphasizing] She is the ship.
PLECK: She is the ship.
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: Oh then it's just five- oh seven, Horsehat- no what is this?
C-53: I think including you it’s six.
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: Four, four.
PLECK: Listen, it’s five, plus Bargie. Five.
C-53: Six.
PLECK: Who's the sixth?
C-53: You said to count the ship.
GLLOYD: Yes.
C-53: Ok, so that's six.
PLECK: Six.
BARGIE: Alright so six.
C-53: And what about Zalcatron-5000?
PLECK: Wait the refrigerator? No actually that's a good question. Do droids count as sentients?
C-53: [offended] How dare you.
ZALCATRON-5000: [flatly] How dare you.
GLLOYD: If you're personifying regular technical machinery it doesn't count, if they have sentient personalities they do.
ZALCATRON-5000: [flatly] Thank you.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Can we give you a range for that first question?
AJ: Yeah ball- maybe zyball park.
GLLOYD: I'm just going to fill in the number that I think is most appropriate.
C-53: Ok
PLECK: Ok, yeah- you know what-
DAR: Sure, sure, yeah.
C-53: You know what, you're the expert, yeah thats-
DAR: Yeah, mhm.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, sorry we probably made that needlessly confusing for you.
GLLOYD: Yes, you did.
PLECK: Ok.
C-53: Sorry about this.
AJ: Straight shooter.
GLLOYD: Well, we're off to a ‘great start’!
PLECK: Great.
DAR: He used air quotes on that.
AJ: My man!
GLLOYD: Okay, question two: I need to know whether Bargie is-
BARGIE: That's me, Bargarean Jade, ship of the stars.
GLLOYD: Alright, I need to know whether this ship is, owned or rented.
BARGIE: What?
DAR: Uh we certainly do not own Bargie.
C-53: Well, we don't rent either.
PLECK: We don't rent.
DAR: We don't rent, either.
AJ: [surprised] Wait, I've been paying rent.
PLECK: You pay rent, AJ?
C-53: To who?
AJ: Yeah, I paid most of my pay to Bargie- for rent, by the way, I’m past due.
BARGIE: Yeah, you are past due.
AJ: Alright, here you go- I'm just gonna put it on the-
BARGIE: Thank you, thank you. Put the coins in the slot.
PLECK: Listen, Glloyd- Bargie helps us run missions for our employers so uhm, you know you might say-
BARGIE: I can speak for myself. Bargie, lets them help run missions for their employer. Finish whatever you were saying.
PLECK: Yeah she’s sort of like a company vehicle-
BARGIE: I’m sort of like a company vehicle.
GLLOYD: I'm going to mark rented.
C-53: Yeah I guess technically, that's appropriate.
DAR: [mumbling] Yeah, I guess, but.
C-53: I don't think- instead of AJ though.
AJ: I mean I’m paying rent, so.
C-53: Yeah.
GLLOYD: Okay, question three: I need to know the sex of each person in the household, let's just- for now, keep it to the six. Ahh This is used to produce statistics used to plan and fund government programs, enforce laws, regulations and policies against discrimination.
DAR: Sure, I'll go first, currently, no sex, but honestly I'd love to get myself back in the game. It's so difficult balancing work and raising a baby, you know. Right now- sex is not a priority, but, would love to just like-
PLECK: Yeah, Dar-
DAR: -put dar back out there!
PLECK: Dar, I think Glloyd is-
DAR: Dar!
PLECK: I think Glloyd is referring to your- sort of to your anatomy.
DAR: [slowly] Ohhh okay wow, that's pretty forward, you wanna know about my anatomy?
[Dar leans in closer to Glloyd]
GLLOYD: Yes please.
AJ: Hey, anyone notice theyre sort of vibing right now?
DAR: [sighing] Well, in terms of genitalia I think you can just mark- yes.
GLLOYD: [blowing out air] Okay.
DAR: If it's on your list, I have it, these are just, what you call ‘prehensile flaps’, so.
BARGIE: I can feel them getting closer, and closer.
DAR: Ah, it's actually hard to explain without.. Showing you?
GLLOYD: [breathless] Uhhh, are you sure this isn't a heat rock?
PLECK: Why are you holding your space helmet in front of you like that?
GLLOYD: It's- uh, didn't know where to put it.
PLECK: Alright, AJ, you're up next.
AJ: Okay! Um I do not have genitalia-
GLLOYD: yeah I think I got it, I think I know this one.
AJ: -but I identify as male.
C-53: Uhh droid.
PLECK: Uh, jus- Tellurian male.
GLLOYD: Okay.
BARGIE: I’m Bargarean Jade, ship of the stahhhs.
C-53: Ship of the stairs?
PLECK: She does have stairs.
AJ: And we also have a baby.
DAR: Oh! Uhh, baby Hoha, not interested and non-binary.
AJ: See just how Dar’s really kind of, getting up near that- new Glloyd.
C-53: I mean I don't know if that's- she’s got a type but-
BARGIE: Do- should I turn on mood music? I'm gonna turn on some mood music.
[very Marvin Gaye ‘Lets Get It On’-esque music starts playing]
AJ: Hey papa, do you see this?
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, no I see what's happening.
DAR: [annoyed, politely] We’re sitting in a very tight circle right now and I can hear everything you’re saying.
AJ: Oh right, yeah yeah.
[Bargie begins singing along to the music, almost nearly incomprehensibly]
PLECK: Bargie your mood music is you singing?
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay.
BARGIE: Is that not what people use?
GLLOYD: This isn't a, census question, just for my own clarification, this is a diplomatic ship? On a diplomatic mission?
C-53: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's correct.
DAR: Oh yeah!
AJ: You got it bro.
BARGIE: Also it serves as my, development, Bargie & Beano LLC, I kept the name.
AJ: Aw.
DAR: Aww.
BARGIE: Rest in peace, in a flaming ball of fire.
DAR: Resting in peace, not really so much as-
PLECK: Yeah, anguish maybe, resting in anguish.
DAR: -screaming, Yeah, screaming all the time.
AJ: Yeah, but to answer your question we’re like great at diplomacy and like-
PLECK: Yeah, great conversationalists.
DAR: I would just ask that you not review any of our past missions to ah, verify anything that we've said.
AJ: Yeah well- right.
BARGIE: Usually when someone asks me this many questions it's only right that we ask you a couple.
GLLOYD: [mildly strained] Alright, fine.
[Dar picks up his notebook to write their answers in]
DAR: Single? Are you single?
GLLOYD: Yes, currently.
C-53: Wait, how'd you get into the census bizz?
GLLOYD: Well, I come from a long line of census takers so uh-
C-53: Oh sure.
GLLOYD: -it's kind of in my blood, I was uh raised for public service you might say.
DAR: And would you say that you're twenty two inches tall?
GLLOYD: [laughs] Wow, you flatter me.
C-53: That's tall for a Lird.
DAR: Yeah, very tall for a Lird.
GLLOYD: I’m uhh, technically I’m twenty one and seven eighths.
DAR: Wow, ok.
C-53: Wow, yeah pretty close.
DAR: I mean- let's round up, lets just-
AJ: Why are we rounding up?
DAR: [through their teeth] Just play it cool!
GLLOYD: Ok moving on, next I need to know the age of each person in this ship.
C-53: Alright.
AJ: Five.
PLECK: Yeah. AJ’s five.
AJ: I’m five.
PLECK: He was a- he's a clone, so he was birthed out of a tube of blue liquid, five years ago.
GLLOYD: Okay, I was going to say, he doesn't present as a five year old.
PLECK: No, ehh well you'd be surprised, uh, he loves mac and cheese.
AJ: Ohh I’m hungry.
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: I'm actually hungry right now, I'm hungry right now!
DAR: Well.
[AJ starts pacing and breaking things]
PLECK: He doesn't have a whole lot of control over his emotions, he’s very-
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: [crying] I'm hungry right now.
PLECK: Yeah if he doesn't get his nap, ooh boy, watch out.
AJ: Wait, I didn't get a nap.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, well the- the- Glloyd showed up-
[AJ groans]
PLECK: Glloyd showed up so uh.
DAR: [baby talking] So this is fun, right? Glloyd showed up, we’re having so much fun.
AJ: Yeah Glloyd is good. I'm loving it.
DAR: Yes we are.
PLECK: Uh, I’m twenty five.
GLLOYD: Okay.
C-53: Uh, droid.
GLLOYD: Alright.
PLECK: Yeah wait- how old are you C-53? When was your cube manufactured?
C-53: Uhh, we don't really consider age in the same way that most Tellurians do.
PLECK: But- certainly, you have a manufacture date?
C-53: That's- yeah absolutely I do. It’s on file at the Ronka Cybernetics Corporation.
PLECK: [scoffing] Ok, alright, didn't know it was such a deep secret.
BARGIE: Now a ship never reveals their age, also I come- there's many different parts of me that have many different histories so I'd say the youngest part of me is about five months old, I got a doorbell.
DAR: You've had that for five months?
BARGIE: Yeah.
AJ: I've never heard it used before.
PLECK: Not a lot of people come straight up to the ship, though.
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah mostly just pirates and escape pods, in our experience.
DAR: Yeah that’s- that’s true.
GLLOYD: Well, I’m old fashioned.
DAR: Uhh, well I’m seventy two-
C-53: Wow.
AJ: Woah.
PLECK: [surprised] Oh ‘kay.
DAR: And Horsehat is six and a half months.
GLLOYD: Alright, a young parent.
[incoming transmission beeps]
C-53: Oh, Captain Dar I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
DAR: Who? Oh! Right, sorry, yes.
C-53: Yeah, remember?
[start transmission noise]
PLECK: Hey! Nermut!
NERMUT: Hey guys, how are you?
PLECK: Hey, good, check it out! Introduce you to-
C-53: Yeah we got a special guest.
GLLOYD: Hello.
[a pause]
NERMUT: [standoffish] Hello, Glloyd.
PLECK: You guys know each other?
GLLOYD: Nermut, I didn't expect to find you, beaming into this mission.
NERMUT: Well this, Glloyd, is the ship I command- sort of.
GLLOYD: Oh, lucky for the ship.
NERMUT: How lucky it is that you've graced them.
C-53: [whispering] Wow there's a real tension between these two.
DAR: You could say that they’re throwing a- air quotes at each other with their eyes.
PLECK: All of Nermut’s, feathers are like, sticking up.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: This is going like super well.
NERMUT: I'm sorry to interrupt, Glloyd, but uh I'm actually calling in to assign a mission, to the crew I manage.
DAR: Oh wait, wait- we’re actually a little busy right now Nermut.
C-53: Yeah, we're kinda in the middle of a census.
PLECK: Yeah, we're sort of in the middle of a census.
DAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
C-53: Yeah, so maybe uh, the mission can just wait until a little bit later.
PLECK: Yeah, you can just call us back in like, I don't know, forty, forty five minutes.
C-53: Yeah, I don't know how long this is gonna go.
AJ: Hey, Nermut?
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: How tall are you, bro?
NERMUT: Like, uhm, rounding up? Like twenty inches.
C-53: No, you’re nineteen inches flat.
NERMUT: Nineteen- nineteen, yeah..
C-53: You wouldn't round up to twenty inches.
NERMUT: [sighing] Nineteen inches, why?
AJ: No reason. Yiiiikes. My man Glloyd is twenty two, so.
NERMUT: I uh- you know this is crazy though, I was lifting today uhh.
PLECK: Lifting what?
NERMUT: I was- weights. I was lifting weights today, just crazy- coincidentally.
AJ: Were you shoulders and back or?
NERMUT: Uhh- I was doing upper, mids, downtown.
AJ: Downtown..
DAR: Well Nermut, we should probably get back to this census so uh.
GLLOYD: Yes, please.
NERMUT: Uhmm- I mean it was gonna be a super cool mission but I- I've got a lot of like social events, scheduled uhmm, yeah so.
PLECK: Oh, cool, that's great!
NERMUT: Just gonna-
AJ: Like what is it? What's the social event?
NERMUT: Social events? Ah jeez wow- so many to list. Glloyd, you got a lot of them scheduled today?
GLLOYD: No I’m working, I’m doing my duty.
NERMUT: Ahh bummer!- [whispering] ah Gl- why is Dar sitting so close to Glloyd?
C-53: It's sort of just where Glloyd came in and sat down and we just circled out around him.
NERMUT: Guys, uhm- thanks for calling me.
C-53: You called us.
NERMUT: Ahh who knows, lot of calls.
C-53: Well I have the call log right here.
PLECK: Yeah Nermut-
NERMUT: Cool- cause got my legs up.
[Nermut pulls his legs up onto his desk and groans]
PLECK: Wha- okay.
NERMUT: Kay, bye guys.
[end transmission noise]
PLECK: Glloyd, I didn't know you knew Nermut.
DAR: Are you also from Filem?
GLLOYD: I did grow up on Filem, yes, and we actually, went to highschool together.
C-53/PLECK/AJ: Ohh!
DAR: Wow, what was- what was Nermut like in highschool?
C-53: Yeah, what was the dynamic like? Were you two friends or?
GLLOYD: Uhm, I would say we were, locker buddies uhh, we had lockers, next to each other uhh-
DAR: That actually sounds pretty pleasant, but you said it with a real bite.
AJ: Yeah you used air quotes over ‘buddies’.
GLLOYD: Well I don’t want to uhh- I don't wanna denigrate crew members that you have, by telling old stories of when Nermut was still finding himself.
DAR: Arguably still on the lookout.
PLECK: Yeah, that's true. He’s still working on it.
DAR: Yeah.
[Pleck sighs]
DAR: You had more questions?
GLLOYD: Yes, ok. Next question, how many hours do you sleep?
C-53: Technically zero, but I- if you wanna talk about a low power state I’d say about, four hours a day.
AJ: For me it’s three standing up, I don't know if you need to-
GLLOYD: That makes no difference-
AJ: Just saying.
GLLOYD: -for the number.
AJ: I'm always alert.
[beeping coming from Bargie]
BARGIE: I'm getting a fax, it appears to be an image of Nerf- Nerfin- Hoodedoy
[fax machine finishes printing]
PLECK: Oh, it's just a picture of Nermut holding on to a weight.
GLLOYD: It’s photoshopped.
PLECK: Really?
DAR: You can tell from that far away?
AJ: Oh yeah, he's right.
GLLOYD: It's- yeah, very good eyesight.
C-53: I mean he's very correct.
DAR: You've a very good eye, and might I add- beautiful.. eyes?
[Bargies mood music comes back on]
GLLOYD: You flatter me.
[Bargie begins singing incomprehensibly again]
PLECK: Alright Bargie- that's not, yeah it's not necessary.
[music powers off]
C-53: Should we get out of here?
PLECK: Yeah I think we should- yeah I don't know.
DAR: Where would you go?
PLECK: To answer your question Glloyd, I sleep about- well I would say I'm in bed for about eight hours.
AJ: Yeah, but papa also recently you've been sleeping for like ten, eleven hours and kinda coming out being like ‘what's the point!’.
PLECK: Fine AJ, but on average-
AJ: I mean I don't know if it averages out, but like-
PLECK: -on average, I’d say about eight.
AJ: Even in the past couple, I would say five or six months that you’ve been sort of like sleeping a lot longer, than normal.
PLECK: Ehhh, yeah, yeah, no you might say that.
GLLOYD: Okay and-
[Glloyd clears his throat]
GLLOYD: [breathless] Dar, uh- how.. How much do you sleep a night?
DAR: Oh you know, on average, six and a half.
GLLOYD: [softly] And are you.. currently sleeping alone?
PLECK: That doesn't seem- that can't be right.
C-53: There's no way that's right.
PLECK: There's no way that's a question on it-
DAR: Currently, yes.
GLLOYD: Okay.
C-53: Now I feel like I'm on a heat rock.
[alarms come from Bargies hull]
BARGIE: Whoo! Anyone else’s engines burning up?
C-53: Well I- I guess I'm just confused, you know without the Emperor, who's paying your paychecks?
GLLOYD: It's a payroll service, it’s Tremillion pay services.
C-53: Okay, alright, so the checks are still going through?
GLLOYD: I am still getting paid, so.
PLECK: But who's paying the payroll service?
C-53: Yeah, where's the money coming from?
GLLOYD: Look, I don’t ask questions.
DAR: I mean you do ask questions.
C-53: Yeah no that’s-
PLECK: Yeah sort of for a living.
DAR: Yeah- I might add, you do a great job of asking questions.
GLLOYD: Well, thank you, you’re a very good, censee.
PLECK: Yeah I’m not sure that that’s even really- adds up, we’ve been pretty annoying.
DAR: [sharply] Speak for yourself.
BARGIE: Most of my answers have been lies.
C-53: When did you actually get that doorbell Bargie?
BARGIE: About sixty five years ago.
PLECK: [shocked] Sixty five years?
C-53: Woah that’s-
BARGIE: Yeah, you don't have to say it so loud.
PLECK: Okay, sorry.
DAR: Yeah, maybe you should all go check out that sixty five year old doorbell.
C-53: Ah- outside the ship?
DAR: Yes.
C-53: Ahhh- listen we're not gonna, leave the ship.
PLECK: Yeah- we’re not gonna go outside the ship.
AJ: I mean I was hankering to press it…sooo. Oh just me?
PLECK: Listen if you want us to leave you alone Dar, we will but-
DAR: Thank you.
AJ: LET'S CHECK OUT THIS DOORBELL! WOOH!
[intermission music]
[Dar popping open a bottle of champagne and pouring two glasses]
GLLOYD: Whoo, They are quite the crew.
DAR: They really are, but let’s not talk about them, let’s talk about you.
[glasses clinking]
GLLOYD: Okay.
DAR: So, how long are you in town?
GLLOYD: Well, I haven't gotten any orders from the Census Bureau Headquarters, in a while, so I'm just kind of going about my observation zone.
[a door open and Horsehat can be heard babbling along with a baby mobile playing]
DAR: [laughs] I’m sorry that wasn't funny I’m nervous
[Horsehat babbles the word ‘dada’, runs, then does a backflip]
DAR: I should say, if it wasn't already clear, I am a parent, so uhm- putting it all out there!
BARGIE: [whispering] Psst Dar.
DAR: Putting a lot, out there.
BARGIE: Dar, psst Dar!
DAR: Yeah, mhm.
BARGIE: [whispering] Do you need a wing ship?
DAR: [weakly] I really, I- I could use a little mood music.
BARGIE: Okay.
[music begins playing, with Bargie singing along: ooh ahh, ooh ahh kiss, ooh ahh, ooh ahh kiss]
DAR: Ok you know what, no mood music necessary.
[music powers down]
BARGIE: I'm always here, I'm just gonna light some candles.
GLLOYD: If you want my opinion, I thought the mood was perfect when it was just us.
DAR: Wow, uhh-
[Bargies doorbell rings once again]
C-53: [from another room] Ignore that, that's AJ.
[AJ whooping from outside the ship]
C-53: Just wanted to press it, you don't have to open it.
[transition noise]
PLECK: Alright AJ, you better come in, buddy.
C-53: AJ we're gonna reel you back in buddy.
PLECK: Yeah I don't think you gotta-
[sound of safety tether being reeled back in along with AJ’s whooping]
[hull airlock door opening]
AJ: Did you guys hear- did you guys hear that?
C-3: Yeah, yeah.
PLECK: Honestly I dont- I didn’t-
AJ: It was just a button on the side of the hull!
C-53: Yeah, that’s sorta-
PLECK: Yeah, that's a doorbell.
C-53: -what a doorbell is AJ.
AJ: Right, but like-
PLECK: AJ, I’m- I’m worried about you in space, with just your armour on. It doesn't seem like, it's like-
AJ: Oh, that's ok my- my skins about, twice as thick as a normal Tellurians just to like- be careful if I'm in the vacuum of space.
C-53: They did a lot of mods on you guys, huh?
PLECK: Yeah a lot of- lot of modifications.
AJ: I don't know, I’ve got the pinky I can eat incase I need protein.
C-53: You got the edible pinky, you got the no genitals.
AJ: Ok, well that- I don't know is that a mod?
C-53: Many would say no.
AJ: Oh yeah, my neck can swivel all the way around like this-
[sound of AJ’s neck cracking as he swivels his head]
C-53: [concerned] Woah!
PLECK: [grossed out] No, ugh.
C-53: The way it just snaps-
[AJ grunts]
C-53: -back when you get the full three sixty.
AJ: This is just how I am, I don't understand why that's gross.
[Bargies doorbell sounds again]
PLECK: [confused] Uhh.
AJ: Woah! That’s not me.
C-53: What the..
BARGIE: Hey there's someone at the door why don't you open it-
PLECK: Ok, alright, alright!
BARGIE: Sorry.
C-53: Okay, yeah, Barg we don’t control the door.
PLECK: Yeah Bargie, you have to open the door.
BARGIE: I didn’t know for whose- okay fine opening up the hatch.
[hull alarm sounding]
C-53: Did- Glloyd leave the ship?
PLECK: Yeah I don’t know.
AJ: I don't know.
C-53: Oh wait a minute..
[sound of Nermuts spacesuit getting closer]
NERMUT: ‘Sup guys, normal visit, peace!
C-53: Nermut?
AJ: Oh cool, he's doing a normal visit.
[sound of Nermuts spacesuit getting farther]
[transition noise]
GLLOYD: Well actually ah the-
[sound of Nermut landing in his spacesuit]
NERMUT: [mockingly] Well actually the-
DAR: Woah!
NERMUT: Hello.
DAR: Nermut?!
[sound of Nermut taking off his spacesuit]
NERMUT: Uhm, yep just doing a normal ship check.
GLLOYD: I thought you had all kinds of social engagements tonight, Nermut.
NERMUT: It turned out that like the people who invited me, were not as cool as me.
[Nermut pours himself a glass of champagne]
NERMUT: And you- I got some cred to maintain, so I just said like ‘so busy’ and I had this like normal re- already scheduled ship check.
DAR: I feel like we discussed the next time you were going to visit Horsehat was-
NERMUT: I’m just like- so crazy devoted though, that I was like ‘why not come earlier’ you know?
DAR: Okay.
GLLOYD: Oh, you’re uh- one of the parental figures of Horsehat?
NERMUT: I'm a co-parent of Horsehat yeah, Dar and I co-parent, so.
GLLOYD: So.. you and Dar?
DAR: Are not together, we’re-
NERMUT: Wha- it's kind of a one Lird ship so p- uh, cool to see you, Glloyd.
GLLOYD: Well, it’s cool to be here, Nermut.
NERMUT: Cool.
GLLOYD: Way cool.
[transition noise]
[Nermut, Dar and Glloyd can be heard having a heated conversation down the hall]
C-53: Oh wow.
AJ: Woah, this is getting, it’s heating up.
PLECK: Yeah I don't know, I feel like we gotta step in, something- there's clearly some sort of history here with Nermut and Glloyd.
AJ: They were locker buddies.
C-53: Yeah, but he said locker ‘buddies’.
PLECK: Yeah, I don’t think that’s all there is to it.
AJ: Well you guys know what locker buddies mean right? So I was locker buddies with a C.L.I.N.T, back at the conditioning center, and that meant you had kind of like a blood feud, you know, you’re- you’re bent on the other's destruction.
PLECK: Hmm, ehh.
AJ: Your- got the bottom locker, it's awful.
PLECK: Should we intervene?
C-53: Let’s let it go- just a little bit longer.
[Transition noise]
DAR: You know Glloyd, why don't we jus- why don't we just get back to the census, let's just uh now that Nermut’s here uhm.
[Nermut drinking his champagne]
GLLOYD: Fine, let’s just presume with the questionnaire. Nermut, since you’re here-
NERMUT: [coldly] Yes, Glloyd.
GLLOYD: -I will ask, how long have you been living a celebate lifestyle?
[Pleck, C-53 and AJ ‘ohhhhhhh!’ from the other room]
NERMUT: [placing his glass down] Uhm. Let me see that note card?
GLLOYD: Uhm no, this is property of the Tremillion Census Bureau.
NERMUT: Hmm. Oh, an interesting choice of notecard size. Were the larger ones sold out?
GLLOYD: Four by six I find is, unwieldy.
NERMUT: Hmm.
[cork pops]
GLLOYD: I like a three by five.
NERMUT: Yeah they’re heavy right, if you’re not lifting.
GLLOYD: Yeah well, the three by five comes in a heavier cardstock, the four by six is usually a lighter weight paper, and I like the firmness, the crispness of this.
NERMUT: Interesting. The same height stack and fewer- fewer plies, suppose you could do that.
GLLOYD: Yeah.
NERMUT: Well mister know-it-all, pop quiz time.
GLLOYD: Alright.
NERMUT: As a long time employee of the Tremillion Census Bureau, you probably know this without checking any notes. What's the most populated planet in the Zyxx Quadrant?
DAR: Oh, Nermut I don’t think that Glloyd has to answer any of.. your questions.
NERMUT: I mean it’s just a friendly question, from a friend.
GLLOYD: Well if we're just answering friendly questions, what's the harm?
NERMUT: Sure.
GLOYD: Cause you dont know?
NERMUT: I absolutely know.
GLLOYD: You don't know that Boonstra is the most densely populated planet?
NERMUT: [whispering angrily] Rodd damn it.
NERMUT: Fine! Of course, so an easy- that was easy, alright.
[transition noise]
C-53: Boonstra; home to some sentient microse. Population density, off the charts.
AJ: Papa, is this supposed to be cool or what?
PLECK: Yeah, I don't know.
[transition noise]
NERMUT: If you, were an employee of the Municipal Government on Boonstra, and you were putting in for paid time off, but not- a normal vacation day, or a personal day, OR, bereavement leave, but, rather, a work from home half-day, what form would you use?
GLLOYD: I would use a four-twenty-nine-C3.
NERMUT: [whispering] Juck me.
[transition noise]
AJ: Who's winning? they both seem like they're losing.
C-53: I mean in many ways, that's correct.
PLECK: That’s correct, yeah.
[transition noise]
GLLOYD: Alright, the next question is on a likert scale, are you familiar with likert scale?
NERMUT: Yes.
GLLOYD: That's a one to five questionnaire, one being ‘strongly agree’, two being ‘agree’, three being ‘neutral', four ‘disagree’, five ‘strongly disagree?
NERMUT: It's fine! I mean if you're not comfortable with a seven scale.
GLLOYD: Well, we find that that's superfluous. On a likert scale, from one to five, one being strongly agree, five being strongly disagree, uh how would you evaluate the following statements.
NERMUT: Yes, sure, uhuh, yes.
GLLOYD: ‘I am lonely’.
NERMUT: [hums] Five.
GLLOYD: ‘I never got over sharice’.
[ a pause]
[Nermut shouts and attacks Glloyd, skittering can be heard while things break and Nermut exclaims karate like sounds]
[Pleck, C-53 and AJ enter the room]
PLECK: Alright, alright now it's time- now it's time, now it's time. Nermut, NERMUT!
DAR: Wait, no, no, no.
[Nermut and Glloyd continue fighting]
DAR: No, no, no.
AJ: Woah.
PLECK: Nermut.
BARGIE: Wow.
PLECK: [strongly] Nermut!
BARGIE: Woah, woah!
C-53: [steadily] Woah.
NERMUT: [viciously] I'll scratch your eyes out, I'll scratch your head off!
C-53: [surprised] woah!
AJ: Homie got shot.
PLECK: Nermut.
NERMUT: [strained] Sharice will always love me!
GLLOYD: Okay!
C-53: Wow!
GLLOYD: That's- not what I heard.
AJ: Told you, it’s locker buddies.
C-53: Hey Glloyd? You wanna jus- cool it for a sec, seems like we got- got pretty heated in here.
[Glloyd groans]
PLECK: Yeah, listen.
DAR: Yeah, I mean I feel like I’m on a heat rock right now.
[Nermut sighs]
PLECK: Nermut, I don’t know how effective your like feet are at like- hurting someone but-
GLLOYD: For the record, I’ll say that they’re not effective at all.
NERMUT: [quietly] Let me at him.
C-53: Pleck, you should know-
NERMUT: Don't stop. Hold me back.
C-53: -talon based combat is the traditional Lird method of asserting dominance.
DAR: [laughing nervously] Uhh, I don't mean to uh ask a census questioner a question, but uh- who wants to answer the question, who is Sharice?
PLECK: Yeah, who is Sharice?
BARGIE: Oh, Sharice
NERMUT: Ohh, go for it, Glloyd.
GLLOYD: Well, truth be told Sharice and I dated for a while until Nermut, appropriated one of the gifts I had for her and wrote his name on it.
DAR: Ohh, Nermut!
PLECK: Wow.
C-53: Oh wow.
AJ: Woah.
PLECK: Nermut, that’s cold.
C-53: That’s a low down move Nermut.
NERMUT: Well Glloyd read my journal and saw what I was going to buy Sharice, bought the last one, and so it was only fair.
GLLOYD: The early Lird gets the worm.
C-53: Ah, Glloyd that was also an underhanded move.
DAR: Yeah wow.
GLLOYD: I'd like to call it cunning.
C-53: Did you take the journal from his locker?
NERMUT: Our locker.
C-53: That's a betrayal of a locker buddy.
DAR: Ohh, wow.
PLECK: But also, also, Nermut, you were gonna-
NERMUT: Yes.
PLECK: -buy Glloyds girlfriend a gift?
NERMUT: Well, I'd hoped that on the moment upon receiving it, Sharice would be my girlfriend.
PLECK: That's not how-
BARGIE: That's not how-
PLECK: -girlfriends work
DAR: That's not how girlfriends work.
C-53: Yeah I don't think you two were very good locker buddies to each other.
BARGIE: Also, what did you get her?
NERMUT: Uhm, it's kind of a locker caddy, where you put it into your-
PLECK: [confused] How many locker based relationships did you guys have?
GLLOYD: Yep- it’s no, no this is really cool.
NERMUT: It was amazing.
GLLOYD: Because it hangs-
NERMUT: Yeah.
GLLOYD: -and it has different pockets, for all of your pens-
PLECK: Yeah I get that.
NERMUT: Yes, absolutely.
GLLOYD: -and then a separate thing for your-
PLECK: But what-
GLLOYD: -for your journal.
PLECK: My questions was- was Sharice-
NERMUT: No, listen to Glloyd describe it!
PLECK: Was-
GLLOYD: And it has a little spot for a mirror-
NERMUT: Absolutely.
GLLOYD: -as well as a little caddy for, lip balms.
NERMUT: Yes, a lot of uh- people- you mistake your pens and your highlighters but this has clearly marked slots, you know what I mean.
GLLOYD: Yeah, like Monday pens, Tuesday pens.
PLECK: Was Sharice into lockers the same way you guys were?
NERMUT: She would've been when she got it.
DAR: She never received the gift?
NERMUT: Uhm, we, tore it up into scrum-
GLLOYD: Well, we argued about it, yes.
C-53: Wow.
DAR: Oh..
GLLOYD: The locker caddy was uh, a casualty.
NERMUT: Yes, taloned to shreds.
DAR: What happened to sharice?
GLLOYD: Sharice is president of Filem
PLECK: [surprised] Oh, wow! Really!
NERMUT: Yes.
BARGIE: Wow!
AJ/DAR: Wow..
PLECK: Really?
GLLOYD: Yeah, yep.
PLECK: Well, good for her.
AJ: But it didn't work out for either of you.
NERMUT: Well I like to think that my vote, helped her.
PLECK: You voted for her, for president?
NERMUT: Mhm.
GLLOYD: Oh, as did I.
PLECK: Good, great, great.
DAR: That- that's healthy, that's good. But neither of you is dating Sharice?
NERMUT: Oh, Rosh no.
GLLOYD: No.
C-53: Listen, Nermut, Glloyd, this- Sharice situation was a while ago, right? Surely this is water under the bridge at this point?
NERMUT: Hot, boiling, water.
GLLOYD: Magma.
C-53: Ok well that's, not water at all.
DAR: Wow, ok they're-
AJ: Lava, I love lava.
DAR: They’re- they’re-
C-53: Alright, alright.
DAR: Basically making really strong eye contact right now.
C-53: Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute.
[Marvin Gaye ‘Lets Get It On’-esque music continues, with Bargie singing once more]
C-53: You-
AJ: No it's not that Bargie-
[Nermut and Glloyd skitter around and start scratching each other]
C-53: You- put- put those- both of you, put those talons- put those talons down!
PLECK: Get- Nermut, Nermut!
NERMUT: Agh! Do not-
AJ: Ohoho!
NERMUT: Don't tie my- feet together!
AJ: This jucking rules!
PLECK: Nermut.
AJ: Look at this!
[Nermut scratches at Pleck, holding his feet]
PLECK: Nermut, Nermut.
NERMUT: Let my feet go.
PLECK: No, you have to calm down.
NERMUT: Let me go, agh, I'm gonna cut his eyes out and tape ‘em to his butt!
PLECK: What, would that-
NERMUT: [shouting] I don't know!
PLECK: What would that accomplish?
NERMUT: I don't know!
C-53: Nermut!
NERMUT: I'm going nuts!
C-53: This is a uh, official census taker of the Tremillion Census Bureau-
NERMUT: He's officially lame!
PLECK: Ah, Nermut, everytime you're on the ship you go crazy, man.
C-53: Nermut I hate to do this but I gotta turn you upside down, buddy.
NERMUT: No I don- urgh.
[Nermut snores as hes held upside down]
GLLOYD: Thank you, and I apologize for having to witness me, carry on in such a display, it was not my intention to get overheated, and conduct my-
DAR: In such a fantastically brave manor.
C-53: Yeah, Glloyd I thought you were gonna- maybe scratch him to death, with those talons.
GLLOYD: I mean I would have, if it had came to that, only as a matter of self defense.
DAR: Of course.
C-53: Can I like- like get a look at these bad boys?
DAR: Yeah.
GLLOYD: Yeah.
C-53: I mean look at this-
GLLOYD: Check it out.
DAR: Wow yeah.
C-53: Sharp as hell!
GLLOYD: Yeah, just had a pedicure yesterday.
PLECK: [annoyed] C-53, don't encourage him.
C-53: So- sorry, sorry, yeah I don't know I've just never seen Lird combat up close before, sociologically very exciting.
GLLOYD: Yeah no, we’re scrappy, but effective.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: But it's sort of like- they kind of just were flopping against each other, it wasn't like- cool..
C-53: Well, that's the ritual of it, AJ.
AJ: Yeah, no I'm just saying-
DAR: No, no it was a-
[Glloyd pours another glass of champagne]
GLLOYD: A lot of people think it’s pretty, hot.
DAR: I would agree, a lot of people do.
PLECK: Alright, alright Nermut, Nermut.
NERMUT: [sleep talking] Sha- Sharice what are you doing Friday?
PLECK: Nermut.
NERMUT: [sleep talking] Sharice wanna go roller skating?
AJ: [under his breath] Roller skating?
DAR: Well maybe while he's out we can just continue with the census so that you know- this por- this portion where all of us are involved could wrap up, and then we could uh- jump into the observation! You know the one on one observation.
C-53: Ye-yes.
AJ: Is it one on one?
PLECK: Is that part of it?
DAR: [unconvincingly] Yeah.
C-53: Yeah, Glloyd, did you say one on one observation?
GLLOYD: Yes, uh there's a period of one on one observations.
DAR: That will you know- exist in my room for, I don't know what s-seven to.. Twelve hours.
GLLOYD: Sounds about right.
C-53: Alright, Glloyd, do you have any other questions?
GLLOYD: Uh, for you folks? Uh no.
C-53: M’kay, alright.
AJ: Really?
DAR: Great!
PLECK: Are you sure?
DAR: So this portion is over?
AJ: I mean I- I have about like- I several unregistered firearms is that-
BARGIE: I have a question, I have a question for Dar.
DAR: Oh, sure uhuh?
BARGIE: Dar, would you say, sometimes when you were previously in a relationship with someone, and that ends, afterwards you end up being more attracted to those who uh- are very similar in physical appearance to your, ex perhaps, and perhaps you are interested in them not because of them but because it reminded you of a relationship, you once, had?
AJ: Bargie, what are you getting at?
PLECK: That- that was spoken like an actual certified therapist.
BARGIE: Thank you, and it's actually a question on the census.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: W-what really?
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: [hums]
DAR: Bargie I, I hear your question but, I think I have to ask a question first- are you looking for a relationship, Glloyd?
GLLOYD: No, not at all, I’m married to my work.
DAR: [relieved sigh] And I, couldn't want a relationship less, so if we’re done, with this portion of the group-
PLECK: I mean, and honestly Glloyd, it’s nothing personal but, I still can't even imagine that these answers are going anywhere, there's no authority that you're reporting to.
C-53: Glloyd, you're in it- all this work is for nought?
GLLOYD: Well I think the work is in the, doing of it. If it’s not getting aggregated by anyone's central authority, then why should I care.
PLECK: Uhhh.
C-53: Ehh I don’t- okay.
DAR: Alright if you're done holding me up!
C-53: Okay, Dar, jeez.
PLECK: Okay.
Aj: Yeah.
DAR: [sing-songy] Thank you, follow me.
[transition music plays]
[Horsehat can be heard babbling in the background]
PLECK: Uhh, you know Nermut, I gotta say, I understand that it's sort of a complicated reason you're here but it's nice to have you around the ship for a little while.
NERMUT: Thanks yeah, despite my turmoil and inner rage it's good to see you guys.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
C-53: This is definitely the happiest I've seen Horsehat in weeks.
NERMUT: Yeah actually, so I, watch this, I taught Horsehat a trick. Okay I’m gonna do the hand signal, okay.
[Nermut and Horsehat begin play-fighting]
C-53: [laughing] Wow!
PLECK: Wow, a sparring partner.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: I'm gonna make a Lird out of you yet, Horsehat.
[Nermut, Pleck and C-53 laugh]
NERMUT: Thats-
C-53: Those talons might kill you, buddy.
NERMUT: That's my sentient, and then also ah, this one- this ones crazy too.
[Horsehat begins rustling paper]
AJ: Oh wow look it’s collating all that paper, wow look at all that.
PLECK: Good job.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
[an alarm rings from Bargie repeating: it's been twelve hours]
[the door to Dar’s room slides open]
DAR: Oh! Oh uh- okay well uh th-thank- thanks Bargie. Thank you.
C-53: They set that twelve hour alarm?
AJ: Yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: Was that the doorbell?
DAR: No, no, no that was uh-
C-53: AJ.
DAR: I- I obviously was really excited that Glloyd wanted to stay but, any longer than twelve hours and we run the risk of uh- getting too attached, so uh. Hey- hey Glloyd?
GLLOYD: Yes.
[Dar lights a cigar]
DAR: [sultry] Do you think you have uh- all the information that you… came to get?
GLLOYD: [also sultry] Well, I would say that this census questionnaire is, satisfied.
AJ: So you got all the answers, that you needed?
DAR: Yeah I would say it was uh- a real interrogation, okay.
AJ: Oh wow! So you really asked questions.
GLLOYD: Yes.
DAR: Yeah.
GLLOYD: Uhm, a lot of… probing questions.
AJ: Oh, for real? probing questions? Yeah like- like what kind of questions did you ask Dar?
GLLOYD: [extremely sensually] Uhm, ok well, uhm on a likert scale from uhh, one to five, uhh… do you like this?
AJ: What's a likert scale?
DAR: [breathes in] Strongly agree. Glloyd, would you say on a likert scale, one being strongly agree, five being strongly disagree, uhh, you had a, good time?
GLLOYD: [whispering] One.
[a pause]
BARGIE: What?
AJ: They're asking if we had a good time.
BARGIE: Oh, ok.
AJ: Did you have a good time?
BARGIE: Yeah I guess, what like a four?
AJ: Wha-
C-53: Well that’s- that's disagree.
PLECK: That’s not- that’s bad.
DAR: Alright, I’m just gonna see Glloyd out.
GLLOYD: Crew, ship, thank you for your cooperation.
PLECK: Yeah, anytime Glloyd.
GLLOYD: With the- on behalf of the Tremillion Census Bureau.
C-53: Yeah, Glloyd I hope you get someone to report to soon.
GLLOYD: Thank you.
[door closes behind Dar and Glloyd]
NERMUT: [putting on spacesuit] Uhmm, whoo, uhm, well I'm gonna get back to the uhh the- I’m gonna get back to Corvus.
PLECK: Okay!
C-53: Okay.
AJ: Even though Dar like totally rejects you- and is having like an incredible time with a taller Lird- like you're our friend and you're always gonna be part of the crew, you know, unless if like Glloyd takes over the mission operations-
[Nermut attacks AJ]
AJ: Woah!
[AJ throws Nermut down the hallway and his shout gets further away, before hitting the wall at the end]
[outro music plays]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attribution droid commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford, C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent, Captain Dar was played by Allie Kokesh, Bargie the ship was played by Moujan Zolfaghari, TEENMOM Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind, AJ was played by Winston Noel, census taker Glloyd T. Beam was played by special guest Ryan Karels. Ryan writes and does voices on the Bleacher Reports animated show, The Champions. He has performed at the UCB for over fifteen years, and is the representative comedian, for North Dakota, according to a listicle in the Huffington Post. You probably know him best on television, playing such memorable characters as, Ryan, Man, Man in crowd, Dad, Derek Mcgillicuddy and Guy with mullet. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent, the sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell, music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra, with additional performance by the Chimes Street Brass Quintet. Recorded at Robert Doggy Jrs Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Openic crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.
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[1]
DAVE HILL: Hi, I’m Dave Hill, from before, and I'm very excited to bring Dave Hill’s Podcasting Incident, back to Maximum Fun, where it belongs! You can get brand new episodes every Friday on maximumfun.org, or y’know, wherever. And while my partner Chris Gersbeck and I might lack in specific subject matter on our podcast, we make up for it in special effects! Chris, add something cool.. Right here! [highfive sound] also, we have explosions [explosion sound], animal noises, [goat bleat], and sometimes even this [springs boinging]. Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident, every Friday, on Maximum Fun. Chris do another explosion right here [explosion sound].
[2]
[multiple different people]
VOICE 1: I listen to Reading Glasses because Brea and Mallory have great tips.
VOICE 2: My suggestion for book festivals is just go for one day.
VOICE 3: I listen for the other interviews.
VOICE 4: I was a huge goosebumps fan.
RG: Ohh yes.
VOICE 4: R. L. Stine was totally my jam.
VOICE 5: I don't even read, I just like their chemistry together.
BREA: Literally if on the back it said like ‘this book made me shit my pants’ I’d be like, that’s- I'm buying this book.
MALLORY: Yeah.
BREA: Like, I think the problem with blurbs all the time-
MALLORY: I like the way we both want to crap ourselves over a book.
BREA GRANT: I’m Brea Grant.
MALLORY O’MEARA: And I'm Mallory O’Meara.
BREA GRANT: We're Reading Glasses, and we solve all your bookish problems, every Thursday on Maximum Fun.
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Maximumfun.org. Comedy, and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.
[OUTTAKE]
BARGIE: There's someone at the door.
C-53: Oh, do we have-
AJ: Ah it's the doorbell!
C-53: Just check the camera.
AJ: It's the doorbell!
NERMUT: I got it.
C-53: Oh- ah Nermut I wouldn’t open that door if I were you.
PLECK: Yeah, no I don't think that’s-
DAR: What are they- I mean not to put a fine point on it, are they.. dry Humping in spacesuits against the doorbell?
PLECK: Yeah, that's pretty much what's happening.
C-53: Yeah, yeah.
BARGIE: That's pretty positive, wow!
NERMUT: okay! [sighs]
AJ: In space, no one can hear you dry hump.
BARGIE: Definitely not kid friendly.
C-53: Well unless there's-
NERMUT: Definitely hear the doorbell.
C-53: Yeah unless there's a doorbell.
AJ: Oh, right, yeah.
BARGIE: They're having Maximumfun!
[Allie laughs]
ALDEN: Wow.
ALLIE: That- It's the blackout.
WINSTON: T-T-T-T-T-Topical!
ALLIE: An Audioboom!
[EVERYONE] That's an Audioboom!
ALDEN: I think we have the-
MOUJAN: Talk about an Earwolf!
WINSTON: We have the like, the rocket ship and then two people-
MOUJAN: She's giving him headgum!
JEREMY: This will forever-
ALLIE/JEREMY: Doggayy style!
ALLIE: Thank you!