411: Sisterhood of the Traveling Plants [ft. Natasha Vaynblat]
The crew is dispatched to the Biktar system to gain intel that could save Seesu Gundu’s struggling campaign. Dar overcompensates. AJ puts down roots. Bargie... apologizes.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-Red-IT5 with an announcement, or reminder. If you heard before, it's a reminder. If you didn't, it's an announcement. Mission to Zyxx will be performing live on the internet this Saturday, May 30th, as part of Pod UK Goes Digital. It'll be a brand new, fully improvised episode that you can watch live from anywhere, with the full cast zooming in from their individual isolation pods, and including real-time sound design, vocal filters, and music, featuring amazing returning guest, Matt Young of Hello From the Magic Tavern. It's at 7.20pm British time. That's an update. As we previously announced, 7.30, it's 7.20, which is 2.20pm Eastern, 11.20am Pacific, and so on. The show is free, with donations supporting charity. Get more info at rocksaldevents.com or missiontozyxx.space. See you Saturday.
NARRATOR: It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal AllWheat. Which looks like what happens when gravity makes bad life choices. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission To Zyxx.
DAR: [sighs] Hey, C-53.
C-53: Yes, Captain Dar?
DAR: Listen, I've been reading through, uh, "Captaining and You: How to Be the Captain Your Crew Deserves."
C-53: That's a- that’s a seminal text in captain advice.
DAR: I really failed in the department of rising above and bringing together.
C-53: Well, every captain has an area where they could improve.
DAR: Sure, but I- I shouldn't have, you know, continued to challenge AJ to more arm wrestling matches once we got back on the ship.
C-53: Yeah, that admittedly was not a high point, but the fact that you're having this moment of reflection bodes well for the future.
DAR: I mean, obviously I stayed up all night thinking about it and trying to glue my horn back together.
C-53: Yeah, well, you should have your number on that horn.
DAR: Well, you know, when you lose that many arm wrestling matches, you just have to break something over your knee. I mean, you get it. You break stuff all the time when you're mad.
C-53: Captain Dar, I, as a droid, am sort above these organic fits of emotion.
DAR: C, there's a hole in the Zalcatron5000.
C-53: Okay, but let me explain about that. AJ asserted that I wouldn't be able to lift the Zalcatron5000, and, well, I'm used to having more phalanges on my hands. I've just got these two on each arm, and so I just wasn't able to get the grip.
DAR: It wasn't a lack of control over your rage?
C-53: I don't think so.
DAR: That forced you to then...
C-53: Listen, Dar, you see, are you saying I can’t pick up Zalcatron, because I'll do it, I’ll do it right now.
DAR: No, no, no, no, no, please don't.
ZALCATRON: Don't you dare.
C-53: Okay, I see where I may have crossed a line. And y’know, I'm just going to respectfully step away from this conflict.
BARGIE: Hey, C-53.
C-53: Yes, Bargie?
BARGIE: Can you apologize for piercing the refrigerator?
C-53: Yeah, well, Zalcatron and I had a conversation about it, but I'm happy to do a public apology, if that would make everyone feel more at ease.
BARGIE: Thank you I appreciated it. Everybody gather. Everybody gather. Everybody gather.
DAR: Yes, yes, everybody gather. Everybody gather. Yes.
PLECK: What's going on? What's going on, Bargie?
AJ: What's going on?
BARGIE: It is time for the time-honored tradition of a public apology. From C-53.
AJ: Oh, no, don't apologize. That was so awesome when you pierced the refrigerator. No apologies. Don't do it.
C-53: AJ, I am a protocol and diplomatic relations droid first. So, Zalcatron, I'd like to say I'm very sorry for inserting one of my arms straight through the front of your door so it's very insensitive of me.
AJ: So awesome.
PLECK: Listen, C-53, you know, I think the key is you've got to stop getting into these lifting competitions, you know? Just because you're a loader droid doesn't mean you have to try to lift everything.
C-53: Well, there's something about this frame that makes me want to lift.
AJ: Lift, bro.
PLECK: And AJ probably is not helping you.
DAR: I mean AJ, has to stop kind of egging you on, I guess.
C-53: I'm grateful for my encounter with 04K TЯ33. Her freeing my code allowed me to resist the loader droid subroutine that requires you to yell ‘Pump It’ every 10 to 15 minutes.
PLECK: Huh.
ZALCATRON: Apology accepted.
PLECK: Thank you, Zalcatron5000. That's very kind of you.
C-53: I'm lucky I only pierced Zalcatron5000's surface. Had I gone deeper inside, I might have punctured AJ's glove and laid waste to Timmis’ civilization once again.
BARGIE: Now, C-53, would you also apologize to Pooch the Toaster?
AJ: Oh, no, don't apologize to all the appliances.
BARGIE: To Fish-Fish the Couch?
AJ: No.
BARGIE: And to Bajew the Window?
C-53: Well, okay, I mean, they don't even have vocalizers.
PLECK: Wait, Bargie, the window, it's just a pane of glass.
BARGIE: It's not sentient, but it still has feelings, Pleck. Very disrespectful. Very disrespectful.
PLECK: Seems like a fine line.
DAR: Wait, Pleck, where are you going?
AJ: Yeah, are we done here?
DAR: Remember, we're all gathered. No, no, wait, why are you going back to your rooms?
PLECK: I got a little work to do, I just got a little, you know, meditation to do.
AJ: [groans] If we're apologizing, I'm out.
C53: Wait, wait, wait, no, no, uhh, come back in here.
[Dar and C-53 grab Pleck and AJ]
PLECK: Ow, C-53!
C-53: Captain Dar wants us to bond more strongly as a crew and I for one agree. And this is how I have chosen to facilitate that.
PLECK: What is it, what is it, Dar?
DAR: Now, I may just be paraphrasing here from page 68 because that was, in fact, the last page I read, but group unity isn't just about mental closeness, it's about physical closeness, okay? We are going to become a physical unit right now, so get in here.
AJ: Is that an order?
DAR: Yes. Oh, I have that power. Hah! That's an order.
AJ: Alright, let's set up a perimeter. Let's do it, Papa.
DAR: That’s an order! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
AJ: C, let's set up this perimeter right now.
PLECK: Okay, alright, yeah. Alright.
C-53: Just here in the lounge?
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: Okay.
DAR: I would say that we could all sit on Fish-Fish or enjoy some toast from Pooch-
C-53: Relations are a little icy right now
DAR: -but uh, I don't think that's a possibility right now.
BARGIE: No, they're pretty salty right now.
[incoming transmission beeps]
C-53: Oh, Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations, Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
AJ: Look live, people. This is what we've been waiting for.
DAR: Alright.
PLECK: It happens every- okay.
DAR: Hi, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey, guys, everything's fine.
PLECK: Why did you say that right at the start?
C-53: Weird way to start.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Why wouldn't I say that when everything's fine?
DAR: It's usually your tell, Nermut, when everything's bad. You kind of over sell.
PLECK: Yeah, usually when things are fine, we just all assume they're fine.
NERMUT: No, no, no, I said they're fine because they're fine.
C-53: You also have a buoyancy of spirit when things are fine, and you look pretty tense.
PLECK: Yeah, your eyes are sticking out a little further than they normally do.
NERMUT: I'm bouncing around a little. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm--
C-53: You keep turning around to watch your back.
NERMUT: Yeah, no, I'm not gonna- [shouting down his hallway] even though everything is totally fine- [whispering] guys, the campaign is in disarray.
C-53: Oh no.
AJ: But you just said it was totally fine?
PLECK: AJ, AJ, relax.
C-53: It was a cover, AJ. relax, It was fronting.
NERMUT: [shouting down his hallway] Because everything's going great, we have a particular assignment. [whispering] Okay, guys, so let me quickly list the problems, we-
AJ: But you just said everything was great. Like, what is going on?
NERMUT: AJ, it's fine, but it's really messed up.
AJ: [groans] Right. Hey, man, is anyone else confused, or is it just me?
C-53: No, don't worry about it, AJ. We’ll explain later.
NERMUT: Okay, guys, so let me pull out this list.
BARGIE: Is Berkit about to make a public apology?
NERMUT: Um-
C-53: That's you, you're Berkit.
PLECK: Do you have an apology to make to all of us?
NERMUT: I mean, I'm sorry that this list of deep, intrinsic problems with the campaign is so long.
DAR: Does that work for you, Bargie?
NERMUT: Is that okay?
BARGIE: Hold on. Gather around. Gather around.
[Bargie’s alarms go off]
DAR: Yes.
NERMUT: Oh, C-53, why are you pulling the camera?
C-53: Oh, just, you know, we want to make sure we're all in the right position.
BARGIE: All right, we're ready.
PLECK: You know, C-53, not every problem can be solved by lifting.
C-53: That's just my go-to. At first blush everything seems like something I could lift. Pump it. Sorry. Gosh, it is hard to resist that.
NERMUT: AJ, I'm sorry that my PUBLIC FACING STATEMENT THAT IT’S FINE and my truth that it's not is too complicated for your mind. Everyone else, I'm sorry- am I- Bargie, what? I'm apologizing-
PLECK: That's pretty good.
BARGIE: Honestly? Very good. Very tasteful. Succinct to the point.
NERMUT: Okay.
AJ: I'm gonna need some time.
NERMUT: Great, so item number one. This campaign lacks community cohesion. All of the different departments are at best not communicating, at worst, like, worrying for resources.
PLECK: Wait, wait, Nermut, there are different departments?
C-53: That's the best?
NERMUT: Yeah, well, I'm obviously in-
PLECK: Missions.
NERMUT: Missions, negotiations.
PLECK: Yeah, I've never met anyone from other departments. I mean, there's Dale, who's dead.
NERMUT: Yeah, Dale did the video editing and cooking.
PLECK: I'm just saying, I believe that there's a problem, because I didn't even know there were other departments.
NERMUT: Good point.
PLECK: But we're the only crew, right?
NERMUT: No?
DAR: We're not the only crew?
NERMUT: Of course not. Can you imagine how much even more badly it would be doing if it was all riding on us?
BARGIE: Oh, I wrote that on my business card, though. Bargie: in-development only crew.
NERMUT: Bargie, you're gonna have to apologize for that being false.
BARGIE: Ugh, alright.
NERMUT: You're not gonna do it now?
C-53: We're all pre-gathered? We're all pre-gathered on Barge?
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, we're all here.
BARGIE: All right. I would like to apologize.
C-53: Okay.
BARGIE: It's gonna take a while.
DAR: Wait, Bargie, why are you shaking? Why is everything shaking right now?
[rattling from Bargie]
C-53: A lot of bolts are coming out of you
NERMUT: Oh, jeez.
PLECK: I think it's kind of hard for Bargie to apologize.
NERMUT: Just own it. Say you're sorry.
BARGIE: Sorry for not being a good mother, a good friend to you.
[rattling gets worse]
C-53: I don't like that engine sound!
PLECK: Bargie, that sounded like a gasket. You know what, Bargie, apologize later.
NERMUT: Can you tell me just about the business card? You're apologizing for being a bad mother?
BARGIE: I just- i've got so many, okay-
PLECK: Oh, boy, no. We can't open this box.
C-53: Yeah
DAR: Bargie, Bargie, you're perfect. You’re perfect.
C-53: Apology accepted. Fantastic.
BARGIE: Okay, good. Thank you.
AJ: I'm gonna need some time.
BARGIE: Wow. Alright.
PLECK: Okay, AJ.
NERMUT: Wow.
PLECK: Alright, Nermut, continue. No communication. Add by that, what else?
NERMUT: Okay, alright, our campaign has been solely focused on electing Seesu, which makes sense, but we're getting a lot of flack for having no plans for philanthropy. Of any kind.
PLECK: Philanthropy?
NERMUT: Ted Ronka matches all campaign donations to foundations across the galaxy. We're getting a lot of junkin’ flack for not doing anything like that. So where you're headed, you will get critical intel on philanthropy, networking, communication, and you will save this campaign.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: So where are we headed, Nermut?
NERMUT: To the Biktar system, where some would argue people take things too seriously, but I think that's the kind of thing we need now in this campaign, and that is where you will meet the entities that can grant these critical skills to Seesu's campaign.
PLECK: Oh, great.
BARGIE: I once dated someone from Biktar.
NERMUT: Oh.
PLECK: Really?
BARGIE: Didn't go well. I need to- gather round. Gather round.
PLECK: No, Bargie, you're not supposed to- It sounds like it's a long time ago.
NERMUT: The vents are flying open.
BARGIE: I was not committed.
[more loud rattling]
PLECK: Ow, my ears just popped.
BARGIE: I was distant.
DAR: Bargie, Bargie, I think you're cutting off the oxygen in here.
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, Bargie, don't apologize.
[Dar chocking]
NERMUT: You can see that tiny wing thing just flapping outside.
[incoherent Bargie groans]
[transition music]
PLECK: Wow, look at this architecture.
C-53: These beautiful examples of classic monarchy style. And you know, here on the moon of a planet like we are now, it's not always this large. These gardens are tended-
PLECK: All these enormous homes.
DAR: Oh, Pleck, remember, you have to hold hands with everyone in the chain.
PLECK: Oh, sorry. Okay, yeah. I didn't realize that was–
DAR: Never break. We are all in this together.
PLECK: Dar, you don't need to worry so much. Nobody's upset with you. We can just do a regular mission.
DAR: Nothing will be regular about this mission.
PLECK: Okay, all right. You're so close to me right now.
PLEDGER: Hey, you guys pledging? Are you guys pledging too?
PLECK: Pledging to do what?
PLEDGER: Yeah, you're gonna pledge?
DAR: Is that shrub talking to us?
C-53: I think there's someone in the shrub oop! Nope, it's the shrub.
DAR: It's the shrub.
PLECK: No, we're actually just here to meet someone.
PLEDGER: Ah, you already have an in. I don't have a chance! URGHH!
DAR: Wait that-
PLECK: Oh, no, that shrub just flew away. Oh, no. Poor shrub
BECCA BECCA: Excuse me, excuse me, coming through.
AJ: Look alive, people. That giant flower is walking right towards us.
C-53: I think the dominant form of life on this planet is plant-based, so.
BECCA BECCA:Are you guys rushing?
DAR: No, actually, we're just-
PLECK: Uh, no we’re actually just-
BECCA BECCA: Are you guys rushing? You need a name tag if you're rushing.
PLECK: No, we're here for the day. We can uh, y’know we can take our time.
BECCA BECCA: You're here for the day. This is the busiest day of the year.
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
DAR: I'm sorry, are you in charge here?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, of course I'm in charge. Look at my name tag. It's got glitter.
C-53: Oh, yeah.
DAR: Becca Becca.
BECCA BECCA: Becca Becca, yeah, I'm the president. I'm in charge of all the potential pledges. Are you guys rushing? What's going on?
PLECK: We're just-
BECCA BECCA: Take a name tag. First of all, I can't even talk to you-
C-53: Okay.
BECCA BECCA: -unless you have a name tag.
C-53: Take one of those nametags.
BECCA BECCA: Everyone, put on a name tag, please.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Okay.
AJ: Rushing sounds pretty cool. Like, it sounds like, "Let's rush it!"
BECCA BECCA: Rush is- sorry, I'm going to get a little teary-eyed. It's just um-
PLECK: She's crying.
BECCA BECCA: An incredible time. Yeah, sorry. I mean, my leaves need the water anyway, but it's just um- It's an opportunity to meet your family, you know? To decide which house is the house that's going to give you a sense of community, a sense of leadership. And, yeah, you're paying for it, okay? But if you think about it, I would pay to spend the day with my best friends, you know?
PLECK: I'm sorry, it costs money?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, we use those Kroons, we put them in a pot, and that way it sustains the house, you know? It sustains the community, and we do a lot of philanthropic, um, activities.
AJ: Wow.
C-53: Um, Becca Becca, yes, of course we are pledging uh-
BECCA BECCA: Great, I'd love to hear that.
C-53: Great.
BECCA BECCA: You're my cuttings! Of course, you're my cuttings, come on!
PLECK: We are?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, well, you're rushing.
C-53: Oh, yeah, absolutely, we're rushing. Pleck, think about it, they've got everything we need. They've got the connections, they've got the Galaxy Wide network of members, they do incredible philanthropic work. This is exactly what we're after.
DAR: We are rushing, yes, this sounds like exactly what we should be doing.
PLEDGER 2: Why are those pledges getting to talk to Becca Becca directly?
PLEDGER 3: It's so unfair!
PLEDGER 2: What's the deal?
PLEDGER 4: I would uproot someone to be Becca Becca's cuttings. I would uproot them and burn their roots.
AJ: Let’s rush into the house! Let's do this!
PLECK: AJ's always rushing.
DAR: Oh AJ.
AJ: Cartwheel in!
BECCA BECCA: I love his energy.
[transition noise]
BECCA BECCA: Okay, so, um, this is the house, if you are lucky enough to plant your roots here.
PLECK: Oh, wow,
AJ: This place is so cute.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, you can see, like, we have, it's a chalkboard wall, so we can just kind of, like, write whatever we want. So, mostly it's like inside jokes.
AJ: Yeah, none of this makes sense at all .
C-53: It appears to be all inside jokes.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, okay, so if you see this one, it's, okay, you see there's like a bucket, but it's upside down, and then it says, it does say, it says slut on it.
PLECK: Huh..
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Is slut and inside jokes are for, is that like an acronym?
C-53: It's a joke right?
AJ: Is there a bucket slut? Is that what the joke is, or?
BECCA BECCA: These girls are so crazy.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: Sounds great.
DAR: Sounds great.
BECCA BECCA: I will say it's really exclusive, but if you guys are selected, you will unlock so much sisterhood.
PLECK: Hm.
C-53: Wow.
BECCA BECCA: It's- it’s incredible what you learn if you are chosen to be a part of a Lorem Ipsum Dolor.
PLECK: That's the name of your house?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
DAR: Oh, that's the name? It sounds more like a placeholder.
C-53: Why would it be a placeholder?
DAR: I just feel like, you know, they wanted to come back to it when they thought of something better.
C-53: Well they didn't, that's the name.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
AJ: Well, I think it sounds fancy.
[pledgers in the house all shouting]
PLEDGER: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
C-53: Is this also a part of it?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
PLECK: Those two flowers are just running by yelling chug.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, yeah.
AJ: Oh, there's vomiting everywhere.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, mhm, they're having such a good time. They are in the part of the pledge process where they really have to prove their commitment. You know, can they hang?
PLECK: Uhuh.
BECCA BECCA: We're going to have such a good time. There's so many different themed days. Today is business cas.
C-53: Oh, okay.
BECCA BECCA: So it is-
C-53: So uh- I don't have any business casual frame available at the moment.
BECCA BECCA: Okay, makes a lot of excuses. Got it. Okay.
C-53: Uhh okay.
BECCA BECCA: Writing that down.
DAR: Oh, wow. You- you lost favor right away.
C-53: Captain Dar, do you want to step in here?
DAR: Um, Becca Becca?
BECCA BECCA: Yes?
DAR: I just want to say that I'm just so excited.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah?
DAR: -what is happening. I'm excited.
BECCA BECCA: Okay, I'm excited. Yeah.
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: Great job, Captain. You're really speaking Becca Becca's language right now.
AJ: I have a question. Um, so how do you get put in the house? Do you, like, wear a hat and the hat, like, tells you what house you're in?
BECCA BECCA: Like it sorts you or something? I don't-
AJ: I don't know-
C-53: AJ, you're asking if a hat tells you whether you're in or not, that makes no sense.
PLECK: That’s ridiculous. That’s ridiculous AJ.
BECCA BECCA: That makes no sense.
AJ: Do you, like, put the hat on and the hat says–
C-53: AJ, AJ, just relax, okay?
BECCA BECCA: What we do is really democratic and truly, really kind and the most objective thing we can do. So me and the rest of the people who live in the house, we take notes about everybody who's rushing. Kind of, like, things we hate about them. And then-
DAR: I mean, I couldn't help but notice you have not stopped scribbling on your clipboard since you met us.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, well, I'm the president. Yeah.
C-53: Right.
PLECK: You said that's kind? Taking notes on people is a kind thing to do?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
[Samantha Samantha comes into the room]
SAMANTHA: Becca Becca, Becca Becca.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah. What’s up girl?
SAMANTHA: Note exchange time.
BECCA BECCA: Okay, sorry, everyone.
SAMANTHA: Let me see. Let me see- let me see your notes. Really?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, don't like- yeah, I don't like that.
SAMANTHA: Yeah.
BECCA BECCA: And I didn't like the way that- I guess-
SAMANTHA: Yeah.
BECCA BECCA: -like, the forklift guy was just kind of, like, looking at me.
C-53: Forklift guy?
PLECK: The asides here are very loud.
[Belly Belly comes into the room]
BELLY: Becca Becca, and Samantha Samantha, are we exchanging notes?
SAMANTHA: Yeah, Belly Belly.
BELLY: I'm thinking- and I know it's not about looks-
SAMANTHA: Yeah.
BELLY: -but that big loader droid is… really big.
BECCA BECCA: I know.
C-53: Ow!
BECCA BECCA: And it's like, do we want that?
BELLY: Like is that our brand?
BECCA BECCA: You know, it's like, is that something that we want to be associated- is that, like, our thing?
BELLY: It's, like, fine. It's obviously fine. Like, it's totally fine. It’s fine.
BECCA BECCA: It's obviously fine, and I, like, respect that, and I love that.
C-53: If it's obviously fine, why are they even talking about it?
PLECK: C-53, you're beautiful in every frame, okay?
SAMANTHA: That one has a gun up its butt, I've noticed.
BELLY: That's cool.
SAMANTHA: That's new and cool. That could be new.
BECCA BECCA: I think it's, like, so cool.
SAMANTHA: That could be new.
BELLY:That's really cool.
DAR: Listen, crew, we are not going to let the negativity ruin our together time, okay? So, AJ, take Pleck’s hand.
AJ: Okay.
DAR: Now our chain is a circle, okay? And now we can-
AJ: I don't know if I want to hold hands with C, because he's apparently kind of, you know-
C-53: AJ…
AJ: What? I'm just saying. I'm just listening to what Belly Belly, Samantha Samantha, and Becca Becca said.
DAR: AJ-
BECCA BECCA: I'm bringing up the circle. You're circling before we're allowed to circle. And, frankly, I didn't even know you knew that we circled.
C-53: That was not it.
BECCA BECCA: Honestly, I'm impressed.
C-53: Okay.
DAR: Uhuh.
BECCA BECCA: We are a house that actually kind of likes rule breakers, so you know what? I'm going to divulge a little bit of information.
C-53: Okay.
BECCA BECCA: I'm going to show you our secret handshake.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
BECCA BECCA: So, if you know this handshake, it unlocks tons of opportunities. You can get into, like, crazy sick parties.
C-53: Okay.
BECCA BECCA: You get, like, extra shots.
C-53: Great.
BECCA BECCA: And also, like, you'll get hired for, like, consulting firms.
C-53: Wow.
DAR: When you say shots, do you mean.. Vaccines, or?
AJ: Like lasers?
PLECK: Like, inoculations or-
BECCA BECCA: vodka.
PLECK: Oh, I see.
C-53: Oh. Vodka, okay.
PLECK: All right. Sure. Sure. One of us doesn't have the required number of phalanges for sort of a true handshake. Is that going to be an issue?
C-53: Yeah, these are sort of clamps, so.
AJ: She's writing faster.
C-53: Uhhh- uh, Pleck-
PLECK: C-53..
C-53: You brought it up! I didn't bring it up!
PLECK: I probably shouldn't have brought that up.
C-53: Yeah!
DAR: There should be less infighting amongst us. We are supposed to be a unit.
AJ: I wish there was a hat. It would be easier if there was a hat.
PLECK: What- how would the hat work, AJ?
C-53: AJ.
AJ: You put it on your head and it says- I don't know.
C-53: The hat- the hat talks to you, AJ.
AJ: I don't know.
C-53: Get real.
BECCA BECCA: See, this is why you guys need us. You need a sense of community. We never fight.
C-53: Yeah, yeah.
BELLY: At a certain point, they're going to have to cut that dead weight. That two-fingered porker is just dragging them down.
BECCA BECCA: I know.
PLECK: I don't know.
BECCA BECCA: It's as if they don't notice.
PLECK: Did you guys say you were nice? Didn't you say, like, 30 seconds ago that you were super kind?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
BELLY: So kind.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, we love each one of our sisters.
C-53: You called me a two-fingered porker!
AJ: Hey, Becca Becca, what's on this blackboard here? It's a carte financi- bra..
DAR: Sound- sound it out. You've almost got it.
AJ: financi-bros.
BECCA BECCA: That's the theme party for tomorrow. The theme, of course, is finance bros and tennis hoes.
C-53: …All right.
DAR: Oh.
BECCA BECCA: And this is our den mother, so she kind of, you know, makes our food, cleans all of our rooms.
MOTHER: I'm the dead mother.
C-53: Ooh..
BECCA BECCA: She's the den mother.
C-53l Okay..
PLECK: Oh, well.
C-53: I thought she said ‘I'm the dead mother’.
DAR: She is a little dried out.
MOTHER: I'm the dead mother.
BECCA BECCA: One second, Margaret, stop.
MOTHER: After Joshua left me, I became the dead mother.
BECCA BECCA: Okay, guys, I'm just going to kind of push her to the side.
MOTHER: I'm dead.
DAR: Oh, the den mother can't even cry. They're so dehydrated.
PLECK: You should water her.
BECCA BECCA: She doesn't know what's good for her.
C-53: Okay.
PLECK: Okay
AJ: Real bucket, if you ask me.
BECCA BECCA: I like you. You're fun.
AJ: Yeah, I'm willing to throw anyone under the bus to be popular.
BECCA BECCA: And that is really helpful.
PLECK: AJ, oh boy.
DAR: Ooh, I can see on the clipboard, that earned you a couple of hearts.
BELLY: AJ seems amazing.
SAMANTHA I am crushing on Oojay.
C-53: What- Oojay?
BECCA BECCA: And now we're in the main room. This is where the mixer is happening. So you can see there's lots of different plants talking to their various cutting groups. So this is a really fun time for me just to kind of figure out if your vibe is right for our house.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: Yeah, Okay. Alright.
BECCA BECCA: So maybe let's go around. What's everybody's weakness?
DAR: Oh.
PLECK: Weakness…
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay.
BECCA BECCA: So if you just go around and give us the weakness that you've noticed of someone else in our cutting group. Just kind of anything-
C-53: Oh…
PLECK: Not our own weaknesses.
BECCA BECCA: Nope.
PLECK: Not even our own.
DAR: Becca Becca, allow me to start by saying I will not be participating in this form of bullying. I read the prologue of "Captaining and You," and I've learned that the best way to bring your crew together is to stay positive.
PLECK: Hey, nice job, Captain.
AJ: I'll go next. Dar's weakness is marksmanship-
C-53: No, no AJ.
C-53: -I think C-53's weakness is-
C-53: AJ, this is not the time to give weaknesses.
AJ: What? I'm just being honest!
BECCA BECCA: You know, and that's the important thing about being in a sisterhood is you can be honest and open with your other sisters. So if they're not performing in their rigid cast system that they've been given the privilege to perform in, you can call them out on that stuff, and it's really helpful for community.
DAR: Mhm.
BECCA BECCA: And I can't- y’know I can't say for sure, but I feel like you guys might be invited to the initiation ceremony.
PLECK: Huh.
AJ: Whoa, that would rule!
PLECK: Seems like we haven't done a single thing right, but okay.
AJ: What would we do there? Is that where we get the hat that tells us where we're supposed to be?
PLECK: No, AJ-
DAR: There's no hat, aj!
C-53: There's no hat.
PLECK: There's no hat.
C-53: You're imagining some sort of house assignment hat, which is ridiculous.
AJ: Right.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, we don't have that.
AJ: Like an assignment hat, yeah.
BECCA BECCA: If you guys are into hats, one of our really big philanthropies is that we give little hats to people in need of little hats.
PLECK: Wow, that's cool. Actually, Becca Becca, can you tell me a little bit more about the philanthropy that your organization does?
BECCA BECCA: Oh, yeah.
PLECK: Like, what is that all about anyway?
DAR: How many little hats do you give out?
BECCA BECCAJ: Well, it kind of depends on- obviously we collect kroon, and we use that to throw insane ragers-
AJ: Yeah.
BECCA BECCA: -and those insane ragers are obviously to support the philanthropy.
PLECK: Right.
BECCA BECCA: And so whatever Kroons we have left over, we then, of course, give that money to the philanthropy of our choice, which is almost always the hat one.
PLECK: And what's usually left over after the party?
C-53: After a big rager.
DAR: Could you put it to an exact number of little hats? Like how many little hats did you give out after the last rager?
AJ: Because they're little, so they probably don't cost that much.
BECCA BECCA: We can usually pay for half of one little hat.
C-53: Half of one little hat?
PLECK: Oh, no, that's not even a whole hat.
BECCA BECCA: [scribbling on her clipboard] Are you saying we're not doing good work?
[transition noise]
PLECK: So, Becca Becca, how did you come to Lorem Ipsum Dolor?
BECCA BECCA: Well, I guess I was chosen. There's this great time, you know, when you become a young seedling, and you realize that, hey, it's time to find a community that fits for me. And I've been lucky to be at Lorum Ipsum Dolor for so much time now. I mean, you kind of don't know when your time ends, you know, but as soon as it does, you're taken to the real planet, and then you can't party on any of these moons anymore. So even though all of my friends, you know, many of them who I started with have left, I'm just so glad that I still get to be here and truly party every night.
PLECK: When you say the real planet, you mean Biktar?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
DAR: And all of your friends left you here for Biktar?
BECCA BECCA: Well, they didn't- I mean, okay, well, they- I mean, they didn't leave me. You know, they now have boring-ass lives on Biktar. They have, like, jobs. They have, like, kids and, like, annoying, boring husbands where I'm spending every single night chugging, you know what I mean?
PLECK: And just to clarify, chugging is when you put your roots in a-
DAR: Into vodka tequila.
PLECK: -plastic tub of vodka, right?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah. Oh, look, it's happening over there.
PLECK: Cool.
PLEDGERS: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug- too much too much!
DAR: Wow.
BECCA BECCA: I love it so much.
DAR: Those plants are sucking up the vodka from these buckets.
PLECK: Wow, it really goes right in there, doesn't it?
C-53: And then it comes right back out
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, well, our house is full of party girls, so.
PLECK: Hm okay.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah. And that's how I like it, so.
DAR: So on Biktar, everyone who dresses like a finance bro or a tennis hoe, that's because they are, in fact, going to a finance job or-
PLECK: A tennis job.
C-53: A tennis job.
DAR: Yeah.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, they get, like, a tennis job. And, I mean, I don't know, I guess that's cool for them or whatever, but I refuse to ever have to do that, you know?
AJ: That's awesome. You're never going to the real world, huh?
BECCA BECCA: Exactly. I mean, it's not my choice. It just kind of happens when the universe feels that you're ready. Even though some mornings I wake up and I'm like, ‘I'm tired. I don't think I can chug anymore.’
BELLY: Becca Becca.
SAMANTHA: Becca Becca.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah?
BELLY: I saw Natalia Natalia researching retirement plans.
BECCA BECCA: Okay. No.
SAMANTHA: Uhuh.
BELLY: Uhuh.
PLECK: Wow.
SAMANTHA: That's not fun.
BECCA BECCA: Okay, well, we're going to have a house meeting about that. That's for jucking sure.
BELLY: I think you're right. Yes, juck, yes.
BECCA BECCA: And honestly, I'm going to be sad for her.
BELLY: Yeah. And she's a slut bucket.
PLECK: I'm still not sure that I know what that means.
BECCA BECCA: You wouldn't get it. It's empowering.
PLECK: I mean, yeah, sure, that checks out. I'm very confused by pretty much all of this.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, there's so much intricate drama that happens in the house on a daily basis.
DAR: Ooh, we do love hot goss. I mean-
BECCA BECCA: Okay, you're going to freak out about this. Okay? So, I overheard Samantha Samantha, telling Lindy Lindy that she actually doesn't like the Little Hats charity.
BELLY: Whaaat?
SAMANTHA: Whaaat?
BECCA BECCA: Can you believe that?
BELLY: Whaaat?
SAMANTHA: Wait, that's me.
BECCA BECCA: Can you believe that?
BELLY: I mean, no, but yeah, if you know what I mean.
BECCA BECCA: Right?
BELLY: Yeah, I can, but not.
BECCA BECCA: It's like insane because that's like what we raise money for.
SAMANTHA: That's insane. I can't believe that I said that.
BELLY: That's crazy.
BECCA BECCA: That is crazy that you said that.
BELLY: And you're the one who like cuts the little hats in half and we have to donate less than one. It's crazy.
C-53: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
SAMANTHA: Well, maybe it's because I'm kind of tired of, I just want a stable life.
C-53: I'm sorry, just to clarify, do you buy the whole hat and then cut it in half?
PLECK: What do you do with the other half of the hat?
BELLY: We do.
C-53: What? Just keep the hat intact! How do you get-
BELLY: No, we need to sell the other half of the hat to fund the beer that we buy.
SAMANTHA: I took a financial solutions class online and it told me in order to make profit, you have to cut.
BELLY: Oh.. Samantha Samantha.
SAMANTHA: You have to cut your hat in half. And I just want to have a job-
BECCA BECCA: What.
BELLY: What.
SAMANTHA: -without having to resort to partying all the time.
BECCA BECCA: I'm like, she's being lifted up.
DAR: Wait, what's happening to Samantha Samantha right now?
SAMANTHA: I'm flying. I'm beginning to raise up in the air.
BECCA BECCA: No.
SAMANTHA: They're sending me away.
PLECK: Oh no.
SAMANTHA: I'm going to the serious planet.!
C-53: She's literally floating off the surface towards Biktar
SAMANTHA: I can't handle this. Goodbye my friends. I'm going to get a mortgage.
BELLY: Disgusting.
AJ: Man, I wish the real world would just stop hassling us.
DAR: So when you, when you grow up and leave this moon, you are sucked into the gravitational pull of Biktar?
PLECK: Yeah Becca Becca, Can you explain what just happened, please?
BECCA BECCA: Yeah.
AJ: Yeah, straight up, what did you hope to learn about here?
PLECK: AJ-
DAR: AJ, Why don't you go chug over there with the other pledges?
AJ: You got it, let's do this. Let’s lock and chug.
C-53: He's just standing in a tub of vodka.
PLECK: AJ, please don't change at all for me. Becca Becca, can I- that was very confusing what just happened? Can you explain what we just saw?
BECCA BECCA: Oh, it happens honestly way too often. Just never expected to happen during rush. Cause it's such a stressful time for me already. But Samantha Samantha, clearly became mature and all of a sudden the moon lost its gravitational pull on her and she was taken to Biktar, the adult planet.
BELLY: She's probably already wearing loose jeans.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah. Gross.
PLECK: Flowers can wear jeans?
BELLY: Single leg.
PLECK: Okay. Sorry.
BELLY: You call them a jean.
C-53: It’s singular.
PLECK: That makes sense Yeah, I know. You don't have to explain that part.
C-53: Well, now you're okay.
PLECK: Well- yeah.
[transition music]
DAR: Listen, while we all have a moment to ourselves, while Becca Becca tries to regain control, I think we need to come up with a game plan.
PLECK: I just don't think this place is for us, you know? I mean-
AJ: I don't know what the big problem is. I mean, Becca Becca has everything that we need, guys. We're learning about networking. We're learning about super organized structure. Did you see how rigid everything's been organized here?
PLECK: Yeah, that's not really organization though.
C-53: A little too rigid.
PLECK: It's more just like sort of guilt tripping and sniping.
C-53: And it is-
DAR: Yeah, Manipulation.
AJ: It works though. It works. Did you see how fast Belly Belly fell in line? Fast.
PLECK: We came here to learn about philanthropy, AJ.
AJ: Little hats!
C-53: That's not philanthropy,
PLECK: What, what, they give away a half, halfs of hats. Not even full hats, AJ.
C-53: Not even giving a full hat.
AJ: You know what? Becca Becca was right about all of you.
PLECK: When?
AJ: All of you.
DAR: Excuse me?
PLECK: When? When was she right about us?
C-53: So I am a porker with two fingers, huh? Is that what you're talking about?
AJ: Not my words. Not my words.
[C-53 grabs AJ]
DAR: Uh- uh- C-53, you cannot pierce AJ.
PLECK: C-53, relax.
AJ: Ow.
C-53: Well, He’s getting me a little upset.
AJ: No, these are my real friends. This is such like a bonded sisterhood. This is like who I am now. I'm one of the sisters here.
PLECK: Okay, AJ, you know what? Listen, can we just drop all of this nonsense? We need to get back on track. The AllWheat is out there destroying planets.
DAR: Yes, Pleck is right. We need to focus. We got to go to Seesu with a plan. We need to be thinking about the future of the galaxy.
C-53: And you can just say nothing of the fact that nobody is even watching Horsehat right now. I mean, who's taking care of the- woaahh
[Dar, C-53 and Pleck gasp in surprise]
PLECK: What's happening? The gravity!
DAR: We're going to Biktar!
BECCA BECCA: No, where are you going?
PLECK: [in the distance] AJ!
AJ: Have fun in the real world, suckers. Becca Becca, you were totally right.
BECCA BECCA: Yeah, you think?
AJ: Why are you crying?
BECCA BECCA: I just- I just like, obviously I love it here. And like I think everyone is like beautiful and empowered and so fun, but-
AJ: Totally beautiful and empowered.
BECCA BECCA: I just like sometimes wish I knew what it was like, you know, to like have a mortgage and to like think about my savings.
AJ: Becca, you're starting to float.
BECCA BECCA: What?
AJ: You're starting to float, Becca Becca.
BECCA BECCA: You mean it?
AJ: I mean it.
BECCA BECCA: I'm so excited. Wow, okay, well later bitches. I didn't like any of you anyway.
[Becca Becca falls back down, shattering her pot]
BECCA BECCA: Oh no! God damn it!
[transition noise]
[Dar, C-53 and Pleck falls down to the ground of Biktar]
SECRETARY: Hi there, welcome to Biktar. Have you set up a savings account?
C-53: Uh, no actually, but that sounds practical.
SECRETARY: Yeah, you should have several, perhaps a high yield savings account to start.
PLECK: Oh boy.
SECRETARY: Something to help you pay for your mortgage.
PLECK: I think I may come here a little prematurely.
C-53: Well, Pleck it’s good to be thinking about these things in the long term.
SECRETARY: Do you guys want to put on your khakis, your complimentary Biktar khakis?
DAR: There's only one pant leg.
PLECK: Oh, yeah- you know, maybe you can help us. I'm sorry, do you work here?
SECRETARY: Oh yes, yes, I'm the Biktar welcome secretary.
PLECK: Oh, wow, okay.
C-53: What a practical position to have.
SECRETARY: Yeah, I assign you a child to take care of.
PLECK: Oh, we actually already have one.
C-53: Uhh.
DUNT: I'm 14, my name's Dunt.
PLECK: Yeah, sorry, Dunt.
C-53: Hi, Dunt! We’ve sort of-
DAR: Yeah, Dunt, I'm very full up with children that I'm taking care of.
PLECK: We're good, we're good already.
DUNT: I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, so you three parents better just, like, deal with it. I just want to be alone!
PLECK: Great.
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: That's what we want also in regards to you.
DUNT: And, like, more allowance.
PLECK: Uhh, that we can't really help you with.
DUNT: Alright, I'm playing video games, whatever.
DAR: We don't even have a savings account.
PLECK: Yeah we don't have a savings account.
DUNT: This conversation is so boring, peace out .
C-53: Whoa, look at Dunt's- floating the other way!
PLECK: Wow!
DUNT: [in the distance] Chug, chug, chug!
DAR: Secretary, where is he floating to?
SECRETARY: Oh, well, I guess he's been initiated into one of the moons.
C-53: Wow.
PLECK: Oh, that was quick. They grow up so fast, don't they?
C-53: They sure do.
SECRETARY: They really do.
PLECK: I'm sorry, what was your name?
SECRETARY: Braa.
DAR: Braa?
SECRETARY: Yeah.
PLECK: Braa.
DAR: Cool Braa.
PLECK: We were actually just on one of the moons at, um, Lorem Ipsum Dolor.
SECRETARY: Oh, boy.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
SECRETARY: I used to be on Lorem Ipsum Dolor, if you can believe that.
PLECK: Really?
C-53: Really?
PLECK: Oh wow.
SECRETARY: Yeah, a different time.
PLECK: Listen, Braa, we came to the Biktar system with a plan, you know. We had a job to do. We were trying to get some information about how to communicate more effectively. We wanted to try to get into philanthropy, and we also wanted to figure out how to network, you know. How to connect with the wider population-
C-53: We didn't do any of those things.
PLECK: -and, uh, I don't feel like we learned anything at Lorem Ipsum Dolor.
SECRETARY: Oh, yeah, we were just missing the forms. Okay, so, form 3-7, this is to set up your open lines of communication within your organizations. There's an org chart. You can fill out the brainstorming sheet at the beginning. This form C-9, that's, of course, your ethical code to set up your philanthropy. And we have a networking system portal. You just need to set up a login, and you'll be able to see who you can easily network with based on your professional skills.
C-53: Huh.
DAR: And you don't have to do any chugging?
SECRETARY: I don't think so.
PLECK: Wow.
SECRETARY: And uh- and here's your complimentary entire hat.
DAR: Oh, wow.
PLECK: An entire hat.
DAR: Huh, look at that, an entire hat.
C-53: Pretty good.
[transition music]
NERMUT: Crew, these forms are amazing!
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: I was able to just distribute these to Seesu's entire organization, and the systems are already working better.
PLECK: Yeah, there you go.
C-53: We got uhh- a bit of a rocky start, but really good advice when we finally got to Biktar.
PLECK: Yeah, hey, guys, listen, you know, I know that was a pretty uh- pretty rough mission with all the emotions and a lot of sniping, a lot of gossiping.
C-53: Yeah, I didn't appreciate being frame-shamed by a bunch of plants. There was a certain irony there.
PLECK: Yeah, I realized, you know, it's good to stay together.
DAR: We don't need to be that close all the time.
NERMUT: Oh, you guys said the opposite things just there.
PLECK: Get out of here, Nermut.
C-53: Well, you know, it's healthy to have differing opinions, in a group.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Thank you, C-53.
NERMUT: Yeah, I agree with that.
[Bargie groans]
NERMUT: See, it's unanimous.
DAR: Oh, wait. AJ.
C-53: AJ!
PLECK: Oh, we got to go back for AJ. Yeah.
DAR: …Do we?
BARGIE: Nah, AJ's here.
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: Huh?
AJ: Yeah I'm back, sorry.
C-53: AJ, it seemed like you were going to stay.
DAR: AJ, how did you get back? Did you mature?
C-53: Did you make it to Biktar?
AJ: Nope, I was booted from Lorem Ipsum Dolor. I was too much of a slut bucket.
PLECK: What?
C-53: AJ, what is that exactly?
AJ: It's when you put your roots in too many buckets.
C-53: And by roots you mean?
DAR: Feet?
AJ: Yeah, I guess. I got really into buckets for a little- I was putting my feet in a lot of buckets at one point.
C-53: Okay.
BARGIE: I used to be a slut bucket.
NERMUT: Wow.
PLECK: Literally?
BARGIE: Literally. Proud of it, no shame.
PLECK: Okay. I still don't know what it is.
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Samantha Samantha, the Den Mother and the shrub were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. TEENMOM Nermut Bundaloy, Belly Belly and Dunt were played by Seth lind. AJ was played by Winston Noel. Becca Becca and Braa were played by special guest Natasha Vaynblat. Natasha is a writer/performer for Comedy Central’s digital creators. Her stand up was featured on Comedy Central Digital Stand up Presents and on Vulture, the Believer, and Us. Follow her everywhere @natashavaynblat. This episode was edited by Seth Lind, with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. Recorded at 8 different secret locations over Zoom. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan, and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. With additional performance by the Chimes Street Brass Quintet. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Don’t forget to catch our livestream show this saturday, May 30th, info at missiontozyxx.space. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of Maximumfun Network.
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[outtake]
PLECK: What does that mean exactly to you? Slut bucket?
BECCA BECCA: Well it depends. Sometimes it's empowering and sometimes it's vicious.
SAMANTHA: Like I can call, I can call Belly Belly a slut bucket.
BELLY: I'm such a slut bucket.
SAMANTHA: But I can't. But do not call me one.
C-53: But if you were to call Julie Julie a slut bucket, it would be a slam.
BELLY: What did you call me?
C-53: Julie Julie? is a slut bucket?
BELLY: Take it back.
C-53: Julie Julie is the shrub in the yard. That's not you.
BELLY: Oh, Julie Julie? Probably. I mean, if anyone would even bucket her.
SAMANTHA: Wow.
[all laughing]
ALDEN: I don't know about this.
JEREMY: No, no. Keep it all in. Keep all of this in.
SETH: Keep all of it. Keep all of it. There's been nothing problematic said in this entire recording.
NATASHA: Correct.