501: O Others, Who Art Thou?!
After drifting for months in a distant galaxy, the crew faces harsh new perils. Bargie hits the beach. Pleck takes asides. Nermut hates blizzards.
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[Intro music fades into the crew panicking over an array of alarms. The alarms are loud, they’re numerous, and they’re Clearly Very Bad. Parts of Bargie are breaking off and spraying gas and she’s entering the atmosphere of an unknown planet]
NERMUT: [terrified] The surface of the planet is approaching fast!
PLECK: We're losing altitude! [screams]
BARGIE: [slurring] I don't like this at all!
PLECK: [scared] Bargie, what's happening?
BARGIE: I'm crashing, Pleck. Have you never seen a spaceship crash?
PLECK: Bargie, why aren't you putting out your landing gear?
BARGIE: Can I take a nap while I'm crashing?
PLECK: [upset] N-No! SURELY you could deploy a parachute or reverse thrusters!
BARGIE: [monotonous] No fuel! Going into manual mode.
PLECK: What is manual mode?
DAR: [frantic] Are we dropping faster?
[Inside of Bargie, a panel slides open]
NERMUT: Guys, a hatch on the floor just popped open.
PLECK: Oh, look at all those ropes and pulleys.
HORSEHAT: Duhhhh guh!
AJ: Yeah, sandbags too.
PLECK: Is this a foot pedal?
[Bargie shakes and the crew is thrown everywhere]
CREW: [screams]
ZALCATRON: OHHHHH NOOOOOO… NOOOOOOOOOO
[Zalcatron slides across Bargie, into a divot]
PLECK: [shouting] Stay there. Stay in the hole!
ZALCATRON: ALL RIGHT I’LL STOOOOOP
PLECK: Does anyone know how to pilot a ship manually?
ROLPHUS: [smugly] Well, I actually used to do a little spaceship sailing back in university.
PLECK: Oh, thank Rodd. Rolphus, what do we do?
SEESU: Oh, no. Here we go.
ROLPHUS: [fake humble] I went to university, it was kind of just near Quantaris.
PLECK: What do you mean near Quantaris?
ROLPHUS: Okay, so it was a little moon off of Quantaris.
PLECK: [baffled] Are you trying to get us to ask you where you went to college right now?
ROLPHUS: I went to Quantarvard, so, you know, I was on the sailing team!
PLECK: [angry] All right, all right, what do we do?!
ROLPHUS: I don't want to brag, but you asked me, so, yeah. [waves flag]
NERMUT: Why are you waving a Quantarvard little flag?
PLECK: Where did you even get that? [shouting] Just tell us what to do, Rolphus.
ROLPHUS: Hoist that gib!
JUSTIN: What?
ROLPHUS: [commanding] Justin, Centurion, climb the mizzen mast. Do it. Do it, boys.
JUSTIN AND CENTURION: What?
ROLPHUS: Nermut, tack. You know what tacking is, right?
NERMUT: Yeah, I'm going to tap right here on my heat rock. [scatting]
ROLPHUS: Not tap! Tack! And you, Pleck, keep pedaling.
PLECK: [pedaling and out of breath] What does the pedal do?!
ROLPHUS: Just keep going. That's a critical part. Dar, hoist.
DAR: Quick, Horsehat, hoist!
ROLPHUS: Seesu.
SEESU: Yes? Ready.
ROLPHUS: Hold me.
SEESU: Yeah, go juck yourself.
ROLPHUS: If I really want to feel back in college, I need a Queltar spritz right now. [laughs and waves]
PLECK: He's waving that pennant again.
NERMUT: Geez, come on.
ROLPHUS: Boom!
[Bargie shakes again]
AJ: [uncomfortable] Oh, it hit me! Hey, crew, I'm caught in some wires. I'm tied up and twisted the way I don't like to be!
[AJ is thrown across the room into Hark]
HARK: AJ, you're crashing into me!
BARGIE: [monotonous] Terrain, terrain, terrain-
HARK: Mountain!
PLECK: Whoa, look at all those trees! Pull up!
ROLPHUS: Literally pull the ropes up!
[The crew grab the ropes and pull, colliding with the trees]
BARGIE: You’re not fine. You're not fine. You're not fine-
NERMUT: We know!
PLECK: [screaming] Oh, more trees! Here it comes! Hold on! Brace for impact!
CREW: [screaming]
[Bargie smashes into a shallow beach and goes underwater]
HORSEHAT: Wow!
HARK: [laughing] Oh, wow! Oh, that's a top three.
BARGIE: [monotonous] You did it, you crashed. You did it, you crashed. You did it, you crashed.
NARRATOR: [worried] Well, that didn't sound good. [opening crawl melody] The situation has been grim since Hot Beano's self-sacrificial destruction of the Allwheat flung the crew of the Bargarean Jade through a rift in the fabric of reality and deep into an unknown galaxy on the other side of the universe. It's one of Pleck's larger whoopsies. After months of floating adrift, desperately transmitting distress signals to no avail, it seemed all hope was lost. And now our storied starship has depleted her fuel reserves and run aground on an uninhabited, Rodd-forsaken island on an alien world, stranding our heroes as castaways. [seriously] I'd love to say something about their resilience in the face of adversity, but you and I both know the wheels are really going to come off down there. Now Captain Dar, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter, and the confusingly large number of people now amongst the crew must escape their island prison, face strange new perils, and risk it all to find a way home. This is literally a Mission… to… Zyxx!
[intro music swells. The immediate crew are gathered together in a wet, rainy, generally gross-sounding environment]
PLECK: [blows horn and announces loudly] People of Bargerea, hear me. For too long we have scraped by on this island as our resources have dwindled. We've lost all hope. We've taken to scrounging in the jungle for insects to eat like animals while those with power feast!
DAR: You failed to mention the worst part of it.
PLECK: What's--
DAR: Your beard.
PLECK: [scratching beard] Yes, it's terrible! It's patchy and gross!
NERMUT: Very low on your body.
PLECK: [tetchily] Sure, fine, but now is the time to take up arms against our oppressors.
AJ: Yeah!
PLECK: The Others!
DAR: [slowly] The Others. That's where we landed? That's what we're going with?
PLECK: Yeah, they're the Others.
NERMUT: Yeah, we agree.
C-53: The Others is just very vague.
AJ: No, it's good though, because it's not us, you know? It's the Others.
DAR: Right, but what are they calling us?
C-53: Yeah, they can't also call us the Others.
AJ: They probably do. It's very easy to Other somebody. It's very easy to do that.
C-53: I guess that's my problem. It's pretty reductive.
[beat]
NERMUT: Sorry, Pleck, you were--
PLECK: [shouting] Finally, it is our time to seize this moment. To finally take what's ours–
AJ: Yes, Papa!
PLECK: -and win back this island. You, Dar, and you, AJ-
AJ: [happily] That’s me!
PLECK: -Nermut-
NERMUT: Yes!
PLECK: -C-53, are you in this fight with me?
C-53: [hesitantly] Well, you know, I'm still in the toaster, so I'm sort of in with whoever’s-
PLECK: AJ will carry you!
AJ: Yeah, you're strapped to me.
NERMUT: Sounds like he's in.
AJ: You're a brave little toaster, C! A brave little toaster.
HORSEHAT: Ha ha, like you.
DAR: No, Horsehat, I'm sorry, you cannot come on this–
AJ: [excited] Raid, raid. It's a raid, right?
DAR: It's a raid?
PLECK: It's a raid.
DAR: It's not a mission.
DAR: It's a raid. Horsehat, you cannot come on this raid.
HORSEHAT: [whining] No!
BARGIE: [groaning]
[The crew walks up to Bargie]
PLECK: Bargie, what is it?
BARGIE: [weakly] Ah, hold on. Ah, my friends. My final hours.
AJ: What?
BARGIE: [annoyed] Of the day. I'll be here tomorrow. I'm just going to take a nap soon.
AJ: Oh, okay.
BARGIE: But in my final hours. I just want to know, is it okay if I don't participate in whatever game this is? Because, honestly, I'm no longer about drama. Now that we're in whatever new place that we are.
PLECK: Bargie, this is no game. This is the most serious it's ever been.
AJ: Most dangerous game.
PLECK: We need you now more than ever, Bargie, We must fight to reclaim what is ours. Are you with me?
NERMUT: Pleck, Bargie is like three-fourths submerged in sand and not operational. I think, come on.
PLECK: I mean, she doesn't have to–
NERMUT: She can be on the bench for this one.
PLECK: [laughing] Sure, I just need, I mean, moral support. The rest of us can sort of do all the physical stuff.
C-53: Well, I can't do anything physical unless there is a strategy that involves me, y’know, lightly browning something.
PLECK: All right. Okay. So, yes. C-53 is here for moral support.
DAR: And for toast.
PLECK: Bargie can sit this one out.
BARGIE: Thank you.
PLECK: [grandly] But, nonetheless, now we raid!
[AJ walks over a group of squawking enormous complete lizard birds]
AJ: Yeah! Papa, I have our bird lizard mounts ready.
PLECK: Excellent, AJ. Yes.
AJ: These are so cool. No offense, Lizard Man, but they're like really tall-
NERMUT: [upset] The bigger lizard birds are on our team? This is humiliating!
PLECK: No, Nermut, see, this is a species of bird that's evolving into a cooler lizard species.
NERMUT: No, that's devolving. The lizards evolve into birds. Look at me. [flaps]
AJ: It’s a blizzard, man.
PLECK: No, look.
AJ: These are blizzards. It’s a blizzard, man. This is isn’t a lird!
DAR: Wow, that's a really thick blizzard!
NERMUT: [quietly] I don't like the blizzards either, but you don't have to, like, body shame.
PLECK: No, no, no. It's a good thing.
DAR: No, no. Thick is good. You want a thick blizzard.
PLECK: Yeah, because it's a flightless bird, obviously the legs are the way you-
[Dar yanks AJ’s blizzard off the ground]
AJ: Whoa, Dar, what are you doing to my blizzard?
DAR: When you pick up a blizzard and tip it upside down, it doesn't shift at all.
PLECK: It doesn't move. That's a quality blizzard.
DAR: Yeah, the blizzard's so thick that it just isn't movable.
NERMUT: Listen, I hate these animals, but I think you're being disrespectful to them at this point.
AJ: No, they're cool.
C-53: Listen, either way. I’d prefer not to be strapped to AJ if he's going to ride the blizzard.
AJ: Okay, Captain Dar, skipper.
[AJ tosses the toaster to Dar, they catch it]
DAR: C, you can ride here in my beard. [places toaster in beard]
C-53: Now this is a beard.
PLECK: [upset] Yeah, yours turned out so much better than mine.
DAR: Oh, yeah. And Nermy, I guess you can ride… here. [Nermut slowly enters a flap] Nope, here.
PLECK: We'll be back, Bargie.
BARGIE: Okay, you guys talk way too much when you're planning. Good luck.
PLECK: Ride!
[The crew rides off on their blizzards]
AJ: Here we go, Nermut. I named it Nermut!
NERMUT: [annoyed] No!
AJ: What?
[transition, the Others are lounging on a beautiful island landscape. Rolphus is typing on a typewriter]
SEESU: More iced tea, Rolphus?
ROLPHUS: [stands up] Yes, dear, please. This is delicious.
[Seesu pours the pair more iced tea]
SEESU: Thank you.
ROLPHUS: Hark, how's that, uh...
HARK: [chuckling] We got the water wheel working, so we should have stable electricity in the days to come.
SEESU: Fantastic. And kids, I heard you guys figured out how to make a holo-vision right here in our hut!
[Seesu enters the hut, the kids are flipping through channels]
CENTURION: Yeah, Mom, it was pretty easy. I mean, the hardest part was like this cathode ray tube that I made out of flamboo, but it was like easy!
JUSTIN: It isn't a big deal at all.
CENTURION: Yeah. [seriously] I love you.
JUSTIN: I love you, too.
CENTURION: Thanks for making a holo-vision with me.
JUSTIN: I love building nothing into something with you.
CENTURION: Yeah, that's the best.
[Hark enters the hut]
HARK: It is the best, isn't it? Now, who wants some loconut rum piña coladas?
SEESU: Oh, I do, thank you.
HARK: They'll catch up with you. Be careful.
[Hark blends a colada, transition to crew]
PLECK: Look alive, team.
AJ: A lot of up and down on these, but it's fun.
PLECK: More up and down than forward, but yeah, we're getting there.
C-53: Yeah, Dar, you see why you didn't want to ride up on the blizzards, it’s-
DAR: Yeah, absolutely.
[Pleck slices through foliage]
PLECK: Just through this thicket of palms, and we'll see them! Loconuts at the ready. [unzips pouch and grabs loconut]
AJ: Lock and loconut! Let's do this thing.
PLECK: Don't throw them until you're right, and… You know you're going to hit them.
AJ: Also have a butt loconut. I don't know if that needs to be used.
NERMUT: How…. You know what? Don't tell us how.
C-53: If anyone's got a sliced loconut, I could offer some toasted loconut.
PLECK: C-53! Not necessary.
DAR: [intrigued] Ooh, it sounds pretty tasty right about now.
C-53: Yeah, I don't know if it's—
PLECK: C-53, it’s just… You're here for, sort of battle strategy and moral support.
C-53: On the subject of strategy, if I toasted a slice of loconut very hot, that could potentially be weaponized in some way.
PLECK: [hushed] Whatever. Shut up. Look. There they are.
NERMUT: The Others!
DAR: [deadpan] Ah, yeah. They aren't us.
[transition]
[A group of Pheenises is researching]
CARROT: [beeping] Dr. Pheenis Marp?
MARP: Yes, Dr. Pheenis Carrot.
CARROT: Carrot! Here are my latest scans of the radiation left in the wake of the Allwheat’s destruction. [pulls up scans] You'll see that the wave patterns— [other Pheenises exit] Okay, we're finally alone. I can call you simply… Doctor.
MARP: Ah, what a relief. Doctor. Ever since that dim-witted Floyda taught us to reveal our true feelings for one another, I've wanted to shout it from the rafters of the Arboretum. I'm in la—uh—love!
CARROT: Right! That's the one we're in! Love.
MARP: Rodd bless that stupid, stupid Floyda.
CARROT: And now that we Pheenises are in touch with our feelings, we've been able to explore and study the depths of our love with Dipsea.
MARP: Yes. Not only is Dipsea an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on, they also release new content every week. So there's always more to explore, no matter who you're into or what turns you on.
CARROT: And although we [hesitates] la—uh—love to listen together, if I need to wind down, Dipsea also has wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help me relax before I drift off.
MARP: It's a Roddsend. When I'm alone in my quarters while you work late with all the other Doctors Pheenises running spectral analyses on the rank vapors left after the All wheat’s implosion into time-space, Dipsea lets me get lost in a world where good things happen, and where pleasure is the only priority.
CARROT: A world not unlike our beloved atomized Jekna. [sad] Oh! Some emotions are sad.
MARP: Yes. For example, sadness.
CARROT: That's why it's such a miracle that Dipsea's offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to Dipseastories.com/zyxx.
MARP: What? 30 days of full access for free when you go to dipsiestories.com/zyxx?
CARROT: Yes, I just said so, and I have a PhD.
MARP: Hm. Sounds true.
PHEENISES: Dipseastories.com/zyxx!
[transition]
SEESU: Well, I guess we should continue our meeting where we were reading the book that Rolphus wrote, "How to Untie a Teechee Knot." Anybody? Did you read it?
PLECK: [horn blowing]
SEESU: What? What's that sound?
PLECK: [shouting] ATTACK!
NERMUT: Raid! Raid! Raid! Raid!
[the crew runs in and blindly throw loconuts]
SEESU: [confused] What the?
CENTURION: What's going on?
AJ: Let’s go, let’s do this!
SEESU: What are they doing?
HARK: Is that a loconut?
[Seesu is weakly hit with a loconut]
SEESU: Ow, I didn't like that.
HARK: Why are you throwing loconuts?
ROLPHUS: Pleck, what?
SEESU: Ow.
[The crew stops throwing]
PLECK: Man, we ran out of loconuts so fast.
AJ: Gotta refuel!
PLECK: Get back into the trees!
AJ: We’ll evade them in the brush!
[The crew runs back to the brush]
SEESU: They're aimless.
ROLPHUS: They're just bobbing up and down.
HARK: Yeah, they're just running around in circles on those bird lizards. [loconut smashes g;ass] Okay, now hold on just a second here. I had a fresh pitcher of pina coladas!
NERMUT: Turned into a catcher. [laughs meanly]
HARK: That… Doesn't translate!
SEESU: I don't understand.
NERMUT: Nah, I know, it's a raid, whatever!
SEESU: Do you need something?
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: We said fall back, Nermut!
NERMUT: Oh, sorry.
AJ: Juck! -
NERMUT: It's rare when people offer to meet my needs.
ROLPHUS: Captain Dar, what's the meaning of this?
DAR: [hesitating] So the meaning of this is… we are at war.
CREW: Yeah!
DAR: [doubtful] It was a… poorly executed opening.
PLECK: [annoyed] Okay.
DAR: But we could now just open a dialogue about our arrangement.
SEESU: Okay, listen, we negotiated that this half of the island is ours. You see that white line created by loconuts? Now where do you see yourself currently standing?
PLECK: [dismounting] We need to redraw the line. You need to let us stay on this side of the island!
SEESU: Pleck, let's return to history, okay? You decided to split up from us after we politely told you to stop doing asides.
PLECK: [angrily] Okay, well, yes, I know. When you decided you wanted us to stop, I said, "Why don't you go somewhere where you can't hear our asides?"
SEESU: Right, asides are very-
NERMUT: [pulling Pleck aside] Yeah, sorry, one sec with Pleck.
PLECK: Yeah. -
NERMUT: Even though you didn't-
HARK: No! No, I-
SEESU: Okay, you're doing an aside!
ROLPHUS: We're not doing that, no!
HARK: [angrily] No, this is the no aside side of the island!
PLECK AND NERMUT: Fine.
HARK: It's rude.
SEESU: You always go into your little groups and we can hear you talking about us.
PLECK: Okay, listen, it's just when all of us are talking at once, it just feels, you know, to the outside observer, very confusing as to who is saying what!
SEESU: Then have a private conversation.
NERMUT: [quietly to Seesu] Seesu, if we-
SEESU: No, you can-
ROLPHUS: You’re not doing one with her.
SEESU: Because I'm not doing an aside. [Nermut skitters back to the crew] I bet you can't go 30 seconds without doing an aside right now.
PLECK: [confidently] Start the clock!
[Rolphus winds up a clock]
ROLPHUS: And… start.
DAR: [quietly] Did they make a clock out of loconuts?
PLECK: It sure looks like that.
HARK: [shouting] That counts, that counts! That was an aside.
SEESU: Yes, that was an aside, yeah.
PLECK: We were talking! Dar was just talking to me!
DAR: I was just talking to you.
AJ: To be fair, Dar, you did like literally sidestep in order to do it.
HARK: [accusatory] That's an aside!
PLECK: Okay, fine, I get it. This is very annoying. I shouldn't have gone to the mat for it, I'm sorry!
SEESU: We were like, let's all live in harmony, but you decided that that half of the island was yours.
PLECK: We didn't know that our half was the wet half. It's always raining over there.
NERMUT: A mudslide is fun once.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: Try it every hour.
PLECK: We didn't even know there was a good half of the island!
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: And listen, I recognize how silly it was to banish you because we loved our asides so much, but I couldn't participate in the negotiation because my beard was caught in a loconut tree.
PLECK: [upset] Yeah, we all grew beards over there.
NERMUT: Look at this thing! [scratching beard]
PLECK: It's, we're pretty sure it's moss or something. I don't know what it, I've never grown a beard before.
C-53: Yeah, it has to be some form of moss, 'cause even I have grown a beard.
PLECK: [laughing] Even the toaster has a beard.
AJ: Oh yeah, mine's on the outside of my helmet.
PLECK: And over here, it's been great. You guys could grow crops. You guys could build stuff.
HARK: And how.
PLECK: [baffled] Is that a holovision?!
NERMUT: No.
[Pleck opens the hut and turns on the holovision]
JUSTIN: Yeah but I don’t recognize, like, any of the actors.
HARK: Check out this ice box. [pats top of Zalcy]
PLECK: Ice box? Did you guys figure out a way to power Zalcatron 5000?
SEESU: Yes, he's one of ours now.
ZALCATRON: I MADE MY CHOICE.
PLECK: [angry] Zalcatron.
NERMUT: Zalcatron!
AJ: [injured] No, Zalcatron's one of the Others? Oh, this one hurts.
DAR: We call you the Others, out of curiosity. - What do you call us?
[long pause]
ROLPHUS: We don't talk about you at all.
NERMUT: What? No, you must talk about us.
PLECK: Surely, a little bit.
DAR: You don't even refer to us as a general?
HARK: [chuckling] I'll be honest, on Mojito Mondays, it's hard to think about anything but how nice it is over here. [sips drink]
DAR: [wistful] Mojito Mondays?
PLECK: Listen, Rolphus, Seesu, I'm sorry, okay?
SEESU: No, name everybody, just so everyone's clear.
PLECK: Yes, fine, Rolphus, Seesu, Hark, Centurion, Justin… Zalcatron 5000-
ZALCATRON: THANK YOU.
PLECK: -Jeremiah Frankenfurter.
JEREMIAH: Jeremiah Frankenfurter!
PLECK: [angry] First of all, it's weird that you left your wife, who's on the other side of the island.
AJ: Jeremiah.
PLECK: It's a little bit rude, but listen, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I drove a wedge between us. [slowly losing composure] I'm sorry I picked the wrong side of the island because I thought the weather was gonna be the same. It's only about a mile and a half wide. I didn't think it was gonna be that big a deal! [sobbing] I'm sorry I flew into the Allwheat and I'm sorry that Beano opened a rift in reality and we don't know where we are. I'm sorry, okay?
AJ: You know, some of us may still be hung up on people who are in the Others and are still trying to process that whole thing and how--
ZALCATRON: DON’T MAKE ME BLUSH.
SEESU: So what is it that we can do for you, Pleck? We're alone in who knows what galaxy, what part of the universe. I'm not a galactic leader, so am I okay with it? Of course I am, because now I'm spending time with my long lost beloved husband. Who, you know, you realize after spending time with someone why you maybe broke up. [laughs nervously] I love you, Rolphus.
ROLPHUS: Love you too, babe.
SEESU: But I'm just trying to stay calm and be present, you know? What is it that we can do for you, Pleck?
PLECK: Seesu, we need your help, okay? We need to get back home. If we put our heads together, we can make something or figure something out, we can get back to the Zyxx Quadrant, that's where we belong!
AJ: Yeah, you know, 'cause once we get all together, we can like put a giant sail on Bargie.
PLECK: We have other ideas, that's one of the ideas, but there's other, you know, better ideas, obviously.
AJ: [excited] We can like stitch stuff together and make like a big sail and put it on Bargie.
C-53: [exasperated] AJ… Where do you think we're gonna go?
AJ: Why, we'll go wherever the wind takes us, toaster.
NERMUT: [aside] We're also willing to just trade AJ for any of your members.
AJ: Okay, all right, I'm sorry I'm the only person with an idea and that idea is a giant sail.
NERMUT: [sarcastically] Apology accepted.
PLECK: So what do you say, guys? Are you with us?
DAR: Come on, come on.
SEESU: [slowly] Uuuuuuuummmm, yeah, you know?
PLECK: [excited] Yeah!
SEESU: What’s the worst that could happen?
AJ: All right.
NERMUT: [happily] Yes.
PLECK: Oh man, now we're talking.
SEESU: Well, I'm so glad I can broker this piece as the de facto president of this island. Thank you, thank you for voting. I really appreciate each and every one of you.
PLECK: Okay, yeah.
SEESU: Thank you.
AJ: All right.
PLECK: Thank you, Madam President.
HARK: Well, I'll drink to that! I just fixed the blender.
PLECK: Wow, wow, cool.
[blender whirring]
NERMUT: Oh, one question, do you have beard trimmers?
SEESU: Yes, yeah.
NERMUT: Oh, great.
HARK: You better believe your old pal Hark gets [chuckling] pretty hirsute without these bad boys. Made 'em out of loconuts.
[Hark hands over a buzzing electric razor]
NERMUT: Raid successful.
PLECK: Yeah, let's go back and tell Bargie the good news.
NERMUT: Now that we are at peace, thankfully we don't need these stupid blizzards anymore. Go on, get outta here!
[Nermut smacks the blizzards and they start running]
AJ: What about Nermut?
NERMUT: Let him in the woods!
AJ: [sadly] Nermut's my friend.
PLECK: They only travel like a couple miles an hour. They're not very efficient.
AJ: I guess I just...
NERMUT: Yeah, just give him a push on the rump.
AJ: Get on outta here. Go on, Nermut. [sobbing] Go on, get! I told you, get outta here.
[blizzard screeches]
AJ: [crying] No, I don't want you here. Get on outta here, I don't care.
NERMUT: AJ, let go of the blizzard. Why are you?
AJ: Oh, right, sorry. [Blizzard dashes away at top speed] Oh, wow, it just took off.
SEESU: Oh, did you take its eggs?
PLECK: [confused] They lay eggs?
SEESU: Lost opportunity.
PLECK: What?
SEESU: Yeah, we have a couple domesticated ones here. Jeremiah has been tending to 'em. -
HARK: And his omelets, wow, what a treat.
JEREMIAH: [shouting] The secret is Colby Jam!
CREW: [laughs]
[transition, the crew is walking through the gross and wet landscape]
PLECK: So I think that went pretty well.
DAR: Yeah, all you had to do was prostrate yourself and cry a little.
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: Wow, look, there's a line on the ground where the storm starts.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: [upset and scratching] Oh, man, my beard grew back so fast!
PLECK: Yeah, it's that humidity here.
AJ: [hesitant] Wait, there should be two pairs of blizzard prints and one pair of Dar prints.
PLECK: Well, this set of prints was when the blizzard was carrying you.
AJ: Right, but there are all these other prints.
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: [surprised] Oh my Rodd, you're right. Look at these three sets of footprints leading into the jungle. C-53, are there other life forms on this island?
C-53: Well, it's entirely possible, Pleck, I have… sort of limited sensor capacity. Mainly relates to how warm bread is.
PLECK: Okay, you know what, nevermind, forget I asked. All right, let's go.
C-53: How heavy the bread is...
[the crew pushes onward]
AJ: If there are other sentients on the island, can we call them the Others?
DAR: Yes, AJ.
AJ: Okay, great, great.
C-53: Honestly, that might get confusing.
PLECK: Guys, look.
C-53: With the existing Others.
DAR: Oh no, but we're back together with those Others.
C-53: Yeah, okay, so yeah, they can be the Others.
PLECK: [harsh] Guys, shut up. [frantic] Look, the spacecraft, look. There's a spacecraft on the beach right next to Bargie!
NERMUT: Whoa…
PLECK: Somebody found us!
NERMUT: [hopeful] Are we saaAaved?
AJ: Keep your hope on a swivel.
PLECK: [excited] All of those late night shifts, sending distress calls, somebody finally heard it and came to get us.
AJ: I'll go ahead, running point. Let's go!
[AJ runs off with C-53]
DAR: [upset] No!
PLECK: No, AJ!
AJ: Let's go, toasty!
C-53: Don't worry Dar, he’ll have my expert counsel the whole time!
DAR: Oh, I really shouldn't have given C-53 back to AJ.
PLECK: Yeah.
[AJ falls]
AJ: Ah! I tripped with… no hands!
DAR: Oh, but really stuck the landing there.
C-53: Excellent roundoff, AJ.
[shift to AJ’s perspective]
AJ: Yo, Bargie, did you see the other ship land?
BARGIE: Yeah.
AJ: Let’s go get 'em! Have they left droppings to track?
C-53: Droppings?
BARGIE: I saw three… walked that way.
C-53: Bargie, what'd they look like? Did they have--
BARGIE: They weren’t ships. They were tiny things that didn't fly. I don't know what you call yourselves.
AJ: [solemnly] A living weapon.
C-53: Did they interact with you in any way? I mean, what?
BARGIE: No.
AJ: See any droppings?
C-53: Well, it's entirely possible they were here to rescue us. [annoyed] AJ, what is it with the droppings? What gives?
AJ: We're tracking. We're trying to track. Scat!
[the rest of the crew arrives]
PLECK: [breathless] Hey, sorry. Running in the sand is, it's hard on your core, you know, but--
AJ: Did you guys see any droppings?
PLECK: We're here with the, what?
AJ: Did you see any droppings?
PLECK: [confused] Why are we looking for, the reason we know they're here is 'cause we saw footprints, AJ. We can just follow those.
AJ: Okay, right, but the droppings will tell us if there berries, and the berries--
PLECK: If there are berries?
AJ: -is the key to the whole thing.
PLECK: [baffled] What does that mean?
AJ: You'll find out when we find these droppings.
PLECK: [laughing] I truly do not wanna find out.
BARGIE: Also. Like, it's not a big deal. Horsehat is on the other ship.
C-53: [scared] Horsehat is on the other ship!?
DAR: [horrified] Wait, what!?
NERMUT: Excuse me?
BARGIE: It was their own choice.
NERMUT: No!
DAR: They’re WHAT?!
BARGIE: Horsehat is its own person.
NERMUT: Horsehat?
BARGIE: I'm not their mother.
C-53: Bargie.
DAR: [terrified] Was Horsehat taken?
NERMUT: No…
DAR: Did they taken my baby?
NERMUT: How recently were they taken?
BARGIE: Well, they just walked into the other ship.
PLECK: Yeah, also, Dar, I don't know what these guys look like, but I can't imagine anyone being able to kidnap Horsehat. That'd be like kidnapping, like a…
DAR: A sweet angel?
NERMUT: A perfect angel?
PLECK: I mean, yes, certainly emotionally, yes.
DAR: [screaming and running off] Don't worry, Horsehat, your parent is coming!
NERMUT: [runs off with Dar] Untake them!
C-53: Barge, just to be clear, Horsehat is not yet a, you know, sort of active member of the crew, so I think it's probably in your best interest to discourage them from solo missions.
BARGIE: See, I get confused, 'cause all, 'cause you know, it looks the same.
C-53: Dar and Horsehat are almost interchangeable in terms of looks, yeah.
BARGIE: Right, you all are, you all kinda look the same to me.
C-53: Okay, well that's not…
NERMUT: What? Wait.
C-53: I'm a toaster.
BARGIE: You don't fly, so that's not it.
NERMUT: Are you saying I look, look at me, Bargie.
C-53: And now look at me, a toaster.
BARGIE: Yeah.
C-53: And you're saying if we weren't speaking, you'd be… Here, shuffle around for a second?
[C-53 and Nermut switch places]
PLECK: Yeah, without them speaking, who am I pointing at right now?
BARGIE: Uhhh… [long pause]
C-53: This is… wow.
AJ: Toaster and a lizard, huh?
C-53: [disappointed] I mean, I knew, but I didn’t know, you know what I mean?
AJ: Oh, Skipper’s back!
[Dar and Nermut walk back with Horsehat]
DAR: [breathless] I have Horsehat! I have Horsehat.
AJ: Hey, Horsehat. Hey, Horsehat.
NERMUT: Yes, Horsehat!
HORSEHAT: Hello.
DAR: Honestly, the ship is primo.
AJ: [quiet] Should we just like, switch ships?
BARGIE: What? [angrily] Pleck, what did you say?
PLECK: Huh?
CREW: [laughing]
AJ: Yeah, Pleck. Jeez.
PLECK: I didn't say that.
AJ: Papa.
PLECK: I'm over here.
BARGIE: After everything we've been through!
DAR: But crew, listen. You will not believe what Horsehat saw on this ship. Horsehat, tell them!
HORSEHAT: (baby talk)
AJ: Really?
HORSEHAT: (baby talk)
NERMUT: Wow.
HORSEHAT: (baby talk)
C-53: Wow, with technology like that, I mean, they could really help us out.
PLECK: This is amazing!
AJ: Let's set a perimeter of optimism. Skipper Dar, permission to woo.
DAR: Woo away, baby.
AJ: [shouting] Woo! Yeah!
NERMUT: You know what, I don't even mind this rain. This half of the island is fine!
PLECK: It's like cleansing. It's like cleansing me right now.
NERMUT: It is.
PLECK: [scratching] It's cleansing my beard.
NERMUT: You know what, I'm gonna ride this mudslide one last time for fun before we're rescued. [slides] Yahoo!
AJ: Perimeter of optimism secure. But also, if anything goes wrong, I am ready to take them out.
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: That's not what optimi- okay, all right, listen. Can we just calm down for a second? This is our chance to get off of this island. When these guys come back, we'll just explain the situation.
AJ: And maybe take them out?
PLECK: No, AJ, we can't make the same mistake we've made before. Remember Dale?
DAR: Or Pleck murdering me.
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: We're just not gonna get heated.
PLECK: Yes.
C-53: Pleck, you know, I understand why you might be worried about this, but we've grown as people. We're not just going to senselessly--
DAR: Wait, wait, wait, do you all hear that?
[The Others approach frantically]
ROLPHUS: [shouting] We're moving out, people!
PLECK: [confused] Rolphus!
SEESU: All right, team, it's time to leave.
AJ: Whoa, it’s the Others!
PLECK: Seesu, what are you talking about?
SEESU: You know, when you're about to jump into a nice eight hour shower, but you are distracted because a bunch of strange organisms or aliens, I don't know what we call them, appear in your campsite?
NERMUT: What?
DAR: What?
HARK: Listen, friends, the less questions asked, the better.
JEREMIAH: [screaming] Ah, I'm tasting blood!
PLECK: Oh, Jeremiah Frankenfurter!
NERMUT: No, they were gonna--
PLECK: [sad] Oh no! - They were gonna save us!
ROLPHUS: The ones who attacked our camp? - I don't--
PLECK: They attacked you?
SEESU: Yes, startled us.
ROLPHUS: Yeah, we were very startled.
HARK: They got attacked, I don't know if they attacked us. It's kind of a blur.
ROLPHUS: Yeah, we could litigate who did or did not attack.
SEESU: Right, sure.
ROLPHUS: All day long.
JEREMIAH: [screaming] I had to act!
[all laughing]
ZALCATRON: NO REGRETS
NERMUT: Ah, Zalcatron….
SEESU: I was using the new shower at this moment, so I was an eyewitness.
PLECK: Yeah, Seesu, you are completely naked right now. Why did you--
SEESU: It's nothing to be ashamed of.
PLECK: I didn't say that, I just wanted to--
CENTURION: [disgusted] Mom, put a towel on or something.
SEESU: This is where you came from.
CENTURION: Mom!
PLECK: Okay, whatever, how do we get out of here?
HARK: Well now, hold on. [strolling up to alien’s ship] If I'm not mistaken, these aliens have left their fuel canisters right outside their ship, where any enterprising young pilot could potentially siphon some of that fuel right into Bargie, and then boom, we're back in space!
ROLPHUS: Excellent idea, Hark.
SEESU: Okay.
AJ: That could work. It's not a sail, but whatever.
HARK: Well, this wouldn’t be the first time I've used a flamboo chute to suck high-density fuel out of a canister and put it straight into a ship. It really takes me back.
[Hark begins transferring the fuel]
JEREMIAH: Me too!
PLECK: Wow, Jeremiah, you just, the plot thickens every time you open your little--
NERMUT: I'm just glad everyone remembers who Jeremiah is.
AJ: I don't. Can somebody fill me in?
PLECK: [laughing] I still sorta do…
HARK: Well, there's no way of knowing if fuel from this galaxy works with ships from our galaxy, but as they say in the Tembolion Quadrant, don't knock it 'til you try it!
PLECK: All right, who knows if this'll work? We gotta go!
AJ: Wait, can somebody tell me who Jeremiah is real quick?
PLECK: Can we get on the ship, please?
[Everyone walks onto Bargie]
BARGIE: [energetically] Bap, bap, bap, bap, does somebody say Ship, Please?
PLECK: [happily] Hey, hey, hey!
C-53: Welcome back, Bargie!
HARK: What did I say? Try it, right?
[transition]
PHEENIS: [into a microphone] -by the Allwheat, a stick just under a meter and a half in length, how it survived the implosion, we may never know, but with further research, we may yet find out. Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Wow, just wow. What an amazing series of talks we've just experienced. One after the other, brilliant pheenises illuminating the current condition of our galaxy post-Allwheat. But up next, something a little different. Please welcome Dr. Pheenis Hornby.
HORNBY: Thank you, thank you, please sit down. Now, we all know that even pheenises need food to survive, but what if I told you brilliant doctors that you've been eating all wrong?
AUDIENCE: How dare you? Is that sick to you!?
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[transition]
PLECK: Bargie, I can't believe that fuel from that strange spaceship actually works on you.
BARGIE: [frantically energetic] Oh, it works plenty well! Pleckkkkathaniel!
[We see from Bargie’s perspective. A rapid humming is emitting everywhere, her perspective is being heavily affected by this fuel]
PLECK: [distorted] Whoa, Bargie.
BARGIE: Wow, wow. I've never seen colors like this before. Have you ever heard the color gorb?
PLECK: [confused] Gorb?
BARGIE: It's like a mix of gluh and oh.
C-53: [hurt] Oh, Barge, you starting a podcast without me?
BARGIE: [rapidly] Don't worry, C, it's not hyper proton fuel. This is something even beyond that. It's something that makes you see things, experience things, feel things, I feel hot and cold at the same time. I'm beginning to feel sensations I've never felt before on the top of my hull, the bottom of my hull.
[We cut back to the crew’s perspective]
PLECK: [worried] Uh.
C-53: Barge, I'm a little concerned here.
PLECK: Yeah, that seems-
BARGIE: Me too, but I'm having a good time.
PLECK: [laughing] Oh no.
BARGIE: Do you see a bunny?
PLECK: Uh.
[From Bargie’s POV, a bunny playfully hops laughing]
BARGIE: I see a bunny. It's going hippity hop.
CENTURION: Mom, the spaceship's saying it’s seeing stuff.
[Back to crew POV]
BARGIE: Hippity hop.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
BARGIE: Hippity hop. I'm gonna live in this world forever.
NERMUT: I don't think that's how drugs ever work.
BARGIE: Hippity hop.
DAR: Bargie, do you know exactly where you're taking us?
[Bargie takes off and enters hyperspace]
BARGIE: My mind has never been so clear, Dar, I think. [exits hyperspace] Huh, that spaceship is so big.
[C-53 opens a viewhole]
C-53: Oh, that is, oh, wait a second.
DAR: Oh, Bargie, we're all seeing that big spaceship.
C-53: Yeah, that's a real spaceship.
BARGIE: And the bunny?
NERMUT: Enormous, not the bunny.
AJ: Not the bunny.
C-53: And on its side is clearly emblazoned the same insignia that was on the shuttle we stole fuel from.
PLECK: Okay.
ZALCATRON: I’M NOT GOING DOWN FOR THIS. YOU NEED TO PROTECT ME.
PLECK: [laughing] Zalcatron, you literally said you had no regrets about what you did down there.
ZALCATRON: THERE’S NO PROOF.
PLECK: Okay, all right.
NERMUT: [under his breath] That's different than no regrets.
PLECK: Yeah, that's not the same. Listen, whatever happens, you know, we can explain this. We were stranded. We needed help. We didn't mean to do anything. Surely they'll understand.
[the strange ship slowly begins pointing an enormous turret at Bargie]
DAR: Anybody else notice a turret pointed at us?
AJ: Oh yeah, I see it now.
PLECK: I mean, as long as it doesn't start... Okay, it's emitting a beam of some kind.
NERMUT: What were you gonna say, as long as it doesn't start what?
[Jeremiah starts emitting a low-level hum as he begins to glow]
PLECK: Emitting a beam, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hey, you nailed it.
AJ: Oh, and Jeremiah Frankenfurter's glowing so uh….
PLECK: Oh no!
C-53: That’s not good..
JUSTIN: Jeremiah is looking really weird.
JEREMIAH: You are.
NERMUT: No, Jeremiah, it wasn't a dig, it's your glowing.
JEREMIAH: [happy] Thank you!
NERMUT: Oh no!
[the beam charges]
C-53: [terrified] Oh my Rodd, they’re disintegrating him!
PLECK: Oh no!
JEREMIAH: Oh, remember my rich backstory!
[Jeremiah vanishes]
PLECK: I don't know! We'll do our best.
C-53: This is gonna be a challenge.
SEESU: Bargie, we need to get out of here.
CREW: [assorted “Bargie, get the juck outta here noises”]
BARGIE: All right, wow. Well, all the voices in my head are telling me something, but I don't know what they're trying to say.
PLECK: [shouts] Go!
BARGIE: Horsehat, what should I do?
HORSEHAT: Let go.
BARGIE: All right, time to go. [crew screams as Bargie enters hyperspace] I'm flying in the sky, I’m a ship!
[toast pops out of C-53]
NERMUT: A little toast.
C-53: Sorry, I got a little scared.
[transition, Bargie exits hyperspace]
NERMUT: [exhausted] Wow, that was rough.
PLECK: [panting] Oh my Rodd.
SEESU: Wow, okay, wow.
HARK: Yeah, nice work, Bargie.
SEESU: Great thinking.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: [confused] What?
SEESU: All right, we'll be safe here. We're safe. We're away from whatever that big, huge ship.
AJ: Hey, and you know, worst case scenario, we just lost Jeremiah Frankfurter. Like, terrible, but, you know?
C-53: AJ, that’s not--
PLECK: He was one of us. He was one of us.
C-53: Don’t wanna trivialize…
BARGIE: Who's Jeremiah?
PLECK: Your husband, your ex-husband. You were gonna marry him.
BARGIE: Get in line, Pleck.
NERMUT: Oh.
HARK: [determined] All right, friends, all we need to do is use the remaining fuel to get out of this sector of the galaxy, and then we can start sending out some fresh distress calls. Jeremiah would have wanted it that way, and with any luck, someone will hear them--
[the strange ship exits hyperspace and points another turret at Bargie]
BARGIE: Oh, the ship's back.
HARK: What?
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: What?
BARGIE: Yeah, it's right behind me again.
NERMUT: No, jeez.
C-53: They tracked us through hyperspace… how did they do that?
AJ: How did they have that technolahjay?
HARK: Everyone, battle stations.
DAR: [nervous laughter] Hark, if you could just hold right there. I'm the captain of--
HARK: So sorry, so sorry. Yeah, clearly an overstep on my part.
DAR: Oh, yeah, no, but good intentions, really strong. Yeah, absolutely.
SEESU: Also, before we left, we also decided I am the president of whatever planet that was, right?
NERMUT: Yeah, but we're not on it anymore.
DAR: Right.
SEESU: Okay, actually, I, yeah. You know what, I need a break anyway, so.
AJ: [nervous] You look great, by the way, you just look great. I just wanna say, you look great.
SEESU: Actually, does anyone have a sweater? I'm a little cold.
AJ: [extremely nervous shouting] Nobody noticed!
PLECK: AJ, AJ, you're screaming. Seesu, you can take my robe.
SEESU: [disgusted] No, absolutely not, that's hideous. It's disgusting, the truth, there's strange stains on it.
PLECK: Okay, all right, I thought that was a really nice thing.
DAR: I mean, Seesu, I'd love to offer you my captain's uniform.
SEESU: [dithering] Dar, no, oh, no, you can't do that.
DAR: I insist, I insist.
SEESU: No, but it's yours. Also, it's, all right, well, if you insist, it is incredibly large. [Seesu puts on the uniform]
C-53: It's a bit long.
AJ: But now Seesu is the captain.
PLECK: Oh, wait a sec, that’s not how-
DAR: Okay, no, that was not, nope, oh, uh-
SEESU: But as captain, I like to delegate. Dar, what do you think we should do in this situation?
DAR: [happily] Oh, Seesu, thank you.
NERMUT: The ship is getting closer.
PLECK: Yeah, we should figure this out.
SEESU: Hark, it's happening. You're glowing, Hark…
HARK: Oh, no.
[The turret’s beam charges and locks on to Hark]
ROLPHUS: Hang on, friend!
HARK: You know, I'd like to say this was the first time I was disintegrated, but actually, it's a funny storYyyYHy- [gets disappeared]
CREW: NO!
SEESU: [heartbroken] No, think of the trivia nights!!
PLECK: [frantic] Bargie, go, go, go farther this time, go farther.
BARGIE: All right, you know, I still feel good. I still feel like [British accent] real tip-top, tip-top in the toes.
NERMUT: Okay, Bargie's still high as heck.
PLECK: We’ll explain this later, just go.
BARGIE: All right, next place.
CREW: Whoa!
JUSTIN: Ew, space is gross.
[Bargie hyperspace jumps]
PLECK: Quick, Bargie, I don't know, hide behind that moon or something!
C-53: [condescending] Listen, Pleck, if they can track us through hyperspace, I don't think moving behind a moon is going to render us invisible to their sensors.
PLECK: You never know.
NERMUT: Yeah, go to the dark side of the moon, classic.
[Bargie’s POV, the bunnies are everywhere]
BARGIE: All right, it'll take a couple of days because there's no moon currently in front of me and all I keep seeing are multiple bunnies.
NERMUT: [exasperated] No, that is a moon.
C-53: No, Bargie, oh.
BARGIE: Lots of bunnies shining in the sky.
PLECK: Okay, fine, Bargie, just hide behind that big ball of bunnies, I guess.
BARGIE: All right, but they're kind of, they're very silly.
AJ: That sounds great.
PLECK: Bargie, what is this fuel made out of?
[the mysterious ship arrives once more and turns the turret towards the crew]
PLECK: Oh, ah, there it is again! Oh no.
BARGIE: Oh, the bunnies are laughing, they're laughing so much.
[The beam locks onto Seesu and begins charging]
C-53: Oh, they're powering up the emitter again!
SEESU: Rolphus…
ROLPHUS: Seesu, Seesu no…
SEESU: It's happening.
ROLPHUS: No.
SEESU: [scared] What am I…
PLECK: Bargie!
ROLPHUS: Hold me, it'll be both of us.
PLECK: Back in hyperspace! -
ROLPHUS: It'll be both of us.
AJ: I'm coming too! I’m coming too, I can!
PLECK: No, no, no, no, AJ, no, no, no. Stop, stop, that's weird.
SEESU: Centurion, we love you!
CENTURION: [screaming] Mom, Dad, NOOO!
SEESU: Keep… it… tight!
[AJ runs at the beam and barely misses it before Seesu and Rolphus vanish]
DAR: [forlorn] They even disintegrated the uniform.
AJ: We've lost a lot today. I lost my crush, you lost your uniform, the kid lost both of his parents. We're all dealing with grief in our different ways.
PLECK: Bargie, listen, you just gotta jump to hyperspace and keep going, okay, just stay in hyperspace.
BARGIE: Wow, Pleck.
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: I mean, don't you understand how fuel works? That I run out of fuel by doing things like going to hyperspace. I don't-
PLECK: [shouting] We’re all gonna DIE, Bargie!
BARGIE: How do you know, this is basic, the bunnies know.
PLECK: [confused] Do the bunnies know?
AJ: Papa, the bunnies know.
NERMUT: Touche.
BARGIE: All right, well, the bunnies said I should go to hyperspace, I'm gonna do it. -
NERMUT: Oh, great.
[Bargie enters hyperspace]
CREW: (screaming)
BARGIE: There you go, hop hop hop, hop. [Bargie’s POV begins slowing down] Uh-oh. [groaning]
PLECK: What's uh-oh, Bargie?
BARGIE: It's starting to come down.
NERMUT: Oh, jeez, okay.
BARGIE: Everything’s starting to hurt. I'm realizing everything I said and I'm beginning to regret it.
PLECK: Okay, it doesn't matter, Bargie, you just gotta keep going.
BARGIE: I'm sorry, we don't all look the same to me. I mean, you do, but I would never say that to your face.
PLECK: That was before, though.
BARGIE: [groaning]
PLECK: That was before you had the fuel, you said that. Listen, just a little bit farther, Bargie, we have to shake this ship.
BARGIE: Okay. It hurts!
JUSTIN: Centurion...
CENTURION: Yes, Justin, what?
JUSTIN: We just experienced a traumatic event. So many in such a short amount of time. And yet, we're still together.
CENTURION: We are. I think you get me now more than ever since, I mean, aren't both of your parents dead or something, right?
[Something begins rumbling behind Bargie]
PLECK: Hey, hey guys.
CENTURION: What?
JUSTIN: What?
PLECK: Is the ship, is it physically possible for another ship to be in the same hyperspace lane as us? It's following us in hyperspace.
C-53: Well, Pleck, although it's commonly referred to as a lane, hyperspace is actually a state of near infinite energy, which stretches a ship's molecular structure out over thousands of parsecs. So, it's not really possible that we're in the same lane.
PLECK: They’re doing it. They’re right there.
NERMUT: It's definitely happening.
[The strange ship turns on its blinker]
C-53: -sort of an adjacent lane.
NERMUT: Ope, they're signaling.
PLECK: But they're right there.
C-53: But just to be clear, they're not in the same lane.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: The distinction is important.
PLECK: [annoyed] Thank you. Bargie, can you go any faster? Can you?
BARGIE: Pleck, I'm literally in hyperspeed.
PLECK: I don't know.
BARGIE: There is only one speed you can go, and that is hyper.
PLECK: I guess turn left or something, I don't know?
[beam charges and locks on Centurion]
CENTURION: Hey everyone, I'm glowing…
PLECK: No, Centurion!
C-53: No!
JUSTIN: Centurion, no!
NERMUT: Centurion, no.
JUSTIN: Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye right now. Look me in the eye right now. I love you.
CENTURION: I love you. You should hold onto my hand so you also get…
PLECK: Oh, this is so romantic, they're gonna go together.
NERMUT: Sort of sad, but beautiful.
JUSTIN: [hesitant] Yeah, I'm gonna hold onto your hands. We're gonna go together. I'm gonna give you my hand. Get ready for my hand to come to you.
CENTURION: [screaming]
[Centurion vanishes]
PLECK: Oh no!! Did you not hold onto his hands?
AJ: Justin, you ended up not doing that.
C-53: Yeah, he was asking you to hold onto your hand, and you just didn't do it.
JUSTIN: Like… We're young, you know?
C-53: Sure.
JUSTIN: And like, I love Centurion with all my heart.
PLECK: But you guys were really in love, it s-
DAR: Sure.
JUSTIN: And I'm super sad about it.
DAR: Yeah.
JUSTIN: [slowly] But like… I've been DMing someone, it's not a big deal.
PLECK: What?
C-53: Oh, okay.
JUSTIN: Yeah.
PLECK: [angrily] What the juck, Justin?!
NERMUT: That's really jucked up.
PLECK: We’re not even- We're in a strange galaxy. Nobody even speaks the same language as we do!
JUSTIN: I'm a visual thinker!
BARGIE: Good news, I'm out of fuel again, so I'm dropping out of hyperspace.
[Bargie exits hyperspace]
PLECK: Oh, no, Bargie.
BARGIE: Good news.
PLECK: No, we gotta keep going.
[The strange ship exits hyperspace]
AJ: Oh, good news, that ship just came back out of hyperspace.
PLECK: No, that's not good news either.
AJ: It's not?
PLECK: AJ.
AJ: I just thought we were all saying good news.
NERMUT: Do you remember when you said, "Yes, I see the turret"?
AJ: Yes.
NERMUT: Anyway.
AJ: Who's going next?
PLECK: [quietly] I mean, it's obviously gonna be--
AJ: Who wants to put money on it? Who's put money on it?
C-53: AJ, I don't know that this falls under optimism….
NERMUT: Who would bet that it's not… Justin?
[the crew backs away]
DAR: Everyone just back away slowly from Justin as they glow, because we all know where this is headed.
JUSTIN: What are you talking about?
AJ: No offense, Justin, but you're not one of the crew, and all the Others have been--
NERMUT: Yeah, it seems like there's, you know, you're next.
PLECK: It's pretty much gonna be--
JUSTIN: No, we're all part of the crew.
NERMUT: Yeah, there's sort of like a--
PLECK: Ehhh.. Yeah, I mean, we're all on the ship.
C-53: Yeah, yes. It’s just a little different…
JUSTIN: Dar was the captain. Nermut was the missions’ guy.
AJ: Right, right.
JUSTIN: AJ does the security stuff. C-53 is like the brains of the situation.
NERMUT: Oh, wow.
PLECK: Okay, okay.
JUSTIN: Pleck is like the underdog, who everyone for some reason attacks all the time, but he really has the biggest heart, and in a way, he's teaching us what it's like to live in this universe.
PLECK: Thanks, Justin, wow.
JUSTIN: And Bargie was like the one-liner, sassy, old one.
C-53: That’s... pretty accurate.
BARGIE: Toot toot toot…
JUSTIN: And then I, Justin, was the one who was--
[the beam begins charging again]
NERMUT: Uhhh… uhhh… guys?
C-53: What?
DAR: Nermut, shh, we'll get to you. Let Justin finish.
PLECK: No, Nermut!
NERMUT: No, guys, I’m glowing! [beam charges] I'm going down in battleeeE- [Nermut vanishes]
AJ: No!! But… no!
CREW: NO!
DAR: [crying] You're so wrong, but I’m gonna let you have this one!
AJ: [sadly] Whoa… twiiist?
JUSTIN: I guess the original gang is all that's left.
BARGIE: What?
PLECK: [angrily] Justin!
AJ: No…
BARGIE: I liked this kid since the beginning.
AJ: [confused] Wait, what?
PLECK AND C-53: Since the beginning?
DAR: [sobbing] Nermut, oh, Nermut.
C-53: [somberly] I'd like to propose a toast… to Nermut.
[toaster beeps]
JUSTIN: Toast came out.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Justin…
C-53: That was it, just the toast.
PLECK: Okay, guys, listen, maybe this is it, you know? Maybe this is the end.
C-53: We might be facing our last moments right now.
PLECK: [solemnly] Crew, friends… family. If these are our last moments together, I have something to say. I just want you to know I--
DAR: [interrupting] I also have something to say.
PLECK: What?
DAR: Horsehat, this is important because--
AJ: I have something to say too.
PLECK: Are we all saying stuff?
DAR: I never really deserved to be your paren-
[the crew says frantic, emotional goodbyes to each other]
C-53: -the sea captain thing now…
PLECK: [stopping everyone] Wait, hold on, the sea captain?
DAR: You're gonna talk about the sea captain thing?
PLECK: We're gonna hear about the sea captain finally?
C-53: Uhh. Maybe you're right, this feels a little--
PLECK: [upset] No, come on, C-53!
[the beam charges and locks onto everyone]
CREW: UUUUAAAAAAGH!
[the crew vanishes!]
BARGIE: Hey, crew? [beat] Huh, they all left? That’s kind of rude. Well, Bargie looks like it is just you again, like old times. You and Zalcatron 5000. Right, Zalcy?
ZALCATRON: I GUESS I’M THE CAPTAIN NOW [beam charges] NO NO
BARGIE: Oh, crap.
ZALCATRON: IT WAS SO BRIEF [vanishes]
BARGIE: Well, okay, I guess I'll just [singing] When you're alone, you can do what you want. [normal] Oh, wow, the sound sounds better than before, because [singing] Bargie's alone, and that is okay! [beam charges] And oh, juck, what the juck is happening? Oh, no, I'm being tractor beamed! I was in the middle of a solo. This isn't farewell if I'm gonna go out, I'm going out in sooooOOnG!
[outro music]
CARROT: Dr. Pheenis Canaloma, come quick.
CANALOMA: What, what's going on?
CARROT: That stick that we found in the Allwheat, it started to… hum.
CANALOMA: Dear Rodd, I'm on my way. Excuse me, sorry!
[Canaloma charges through, beeping frantically]
PHEENIS: Ow!
CANALOMA: Out of my way!
PHEENIS: I'm a Pheenis!
CANALOMA: I know that, we're all Pheenises here! I must get to my lab.
CARROT: Doctor, so happy to see you.
CANALOMA: What's going on?
BRION: Oh, what's going on with anything?
CARROT: Ooh, not this guy.
CANALOMA: Oh, shut up, Dr. Pheenis Brion!
CARROT: Look, the stick, it's glowing!
[speaker]
FLOYDA: Hello everyone, Magistrate Floyda here. Good news, the Me Launcher is returning to the ship.
CANALOMA: [baffled] The Me Launc–The Floyda device!? That's impossible.
HORNBY: The Floyda device doesn't even have thrusters! We shot it out of the torpedo tube!
FLOYDA: Hey, it's back, it came back. Hooray, guys, we did it!
CARROT: Wait, what is this alarm? I've never heard it before.
CANALOMA: Well, of course you've never heard it before. It's an alarm whose only function is to alert us that someone is murdering everyone on one side of the ship. The odds that you would ever hear an alarm like that would actually--
(alarm blaring)
CANALOMA: Oh no.
FLOYDA: Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it, I let 'em in.
CANALOMA: Who did you let--
CARROT: What?
BEECCA: [shouting] There's no time to waste, get to the escape pods!
BRAHNDON: It's every Pheenis for themselves!
[The Dinglehopper raises into the air with a sinister, quiet hum]
CARROT: The stick, it's starting to--
CANALOMA: It's moving.
[A familiar voice breaks through the panic. A low, deep rumble. Someone… WACK. Horrifying music plays.]
KOR: Mwahahahaha… MWAHAHAAHAHA!
CANALOMA: Dear Rodd… That stick just flew into his hand!
BRION: Why are you wielding the stick?
CANALOMA: That stick is being actively researched.
KOR: Stick…. Stick…. No, the weapon you have stolen from me is the dinglehopper!
[Kor strikes! The Dinglehopper flies from his hand around the room , striking true at the hearts of the Pheenises]
PRICE: Please, I haven't even defended my seventh thesis! Agh!
BRION: What is death but the opposite of life? Ogh!
KOR: Mwahaha… AHAAHAHAHAAA!
[Kor leaves the fallen Pheenises and opens the door to the control room of the station]
FLOYDA: Oh hi, I'm Floyda, what's your name?
[metal music]
METAL SINGER: KOR BALEVORE!
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter and Dr. Pheenis Canaloma were played by Alden Ford. C-53, Hark Tartigast, Zalcatron 5000 and Dr. Pheenis Hornby were played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar and Jeremiah Frankenfurter were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Seesu Gundu, Justin Ballwheat. Doctors Pheenis Price and Pheenis Carrot were played by Moujan Zolfighari. Nermut Bundaloy and Dr. Pheenis Marp were played by Seth Lind. AJ, Rolphus Tiddle, Centurion Tiddle and Dr. Pheenis Brion were played by Winston Noel. With special guest appearances by Claire Morris as Floyda and Brennan Lee Mulligan as Kor Balevore. And cameos by Becca Paintmore and Brandon Jones of the Zyxx Fancast playing additional doomed Pheenises. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Additional music by Shane O'Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerean Jade and episode art by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Our website is missiontozyxx.space where you can find fresh Zyxx merch like our brand new magnetic retro style Zalcatron 5000 refrigerator emblems. I'm a biased credits droid but can confirm they look truly amazing. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network and get excited because the MaxFunDrive starts next week. Season five episodes will be released bi-weekly but we'll be back next week for a special MaxFunDrive feed drop.
AD: MaxFunDrive's almost here. It starts on Monday, May 3rd, ends on May 14th and it's the best time to support the shows you love. Here are some folks like you sharing what Max Fun and our shows mean to them.
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ALDEN: It could also be like when we chose halves of the island, we didn't know it was gonna always be shitty and rainy on our side or whatever.
WINSTON: Yeah, we chose the wet half.
JEREMY: Nothing grows, it all just washes out to the ocean.
MOUJAN: Right, that's funny.
JEREMY: That's funny, that's very crew.
ALDEN: Let's camp over here.
SETH: Right.
ALDEN: Yeah.
SETH: There are mudslides like every hour.
JEREMY: Constantly.
ALDEN: There's a volcano.
WINSTON: And we all grew these beards, there's like basically moss.
MOUJAN: Right, save it for the improv!
ALDEN: Ah!
JEREMY: No, waste it.
SETH: I can cut it in.