520: The Whole Mufalata [Series Finale Part I]

The crew finally arrives at Mufalata Secundus for the showdown of their lives. Just one stop first. The Dars play catch up, and catch. AJ hazards a guess. Bargie gets an invite. 

This episode is available on our feed like always, but for all you Kiarondos out there, you can get the full sonic experience by listening in high resolution WAV format.

Exceedingly jucking badass KOR BALEVORE episode art by the incredible Steve Argyle.

• Episode Transcript

  [intro music]

  PLECK: Alright, here goes nothing. 

  [Pleck inserts C-53’s cube into the awaiting frame]

  DAR: Come on…

  NERMUT: [whispering] Come on, come on, come on. 

  C-53: [wakes up]

  [Dar and Evil Dar gasp]

  PLECK: C-53! 

  AJ: [happy] Hey, Robot Man!

  PLECK: You're okay!

  C-53: I am.

  DAR & EVIL DAR: Oh, thank Rodd. 

  C-53: And I know where Beano is. 

  AJ: Whoa. 

  BARGIE: Good! He owes me an email!

  PLECK: Uh, yeah, okay—

  NERMUT: [skitters up] You know where Beano is?

  PLECK: How? 

  AJ: [confident] Beano's in heaven. 

  PLECK: [laughing] I guess so. Is that what you mean, C-53? 

  C-53: No, no, that's absolutely not what I mean. Also, I got a couple of things I gotta work out here. First off, I mean, I'm still grappling with the implications of having two Dars, one of whom shot me.

  DAR: [tearing up] And we are both so happy to see that you're okay. 

  EVIL DAR: Yeah, no, this is—whoo, a huge relief.

  AJ: Yeah, so we were gonna call this Dar with the goatee "Evil Dar," but then "Evil Dar" ended up being like, okay, and so now we're just kind of like, what are we calling them? Dar Zero? Diet Dar?

  PLECK: Yeah, we're still working on that. 

  NERMUT: I've just been calling them both Dar, and that's confusing to everyone. 

  AJ: Nermut’s been having… a great time.

  PLECK: Yeah, great time. A lot of conflicting feelings. 

  NERMUT: [crosstalk] Hey, easy! Well—I don’t know.

  PLECK: Yeah, a lot of emotions from Nermut over here. We're all dealing with those. 

  NERMUT: We're all just talking. 

  PLECK: So, yeah, it's Evil Dar until we have something better.

  C-53: [flexing new servos] Second question, where did you get this frame? 

  BARGIE: Oh. 

  PLECK: [softly] You like it? 

  AJ: Yeah, what do you think?

  C-53: Yeah, I love it. This is one of the rarest Ronka frames in existence! How did you get the Country Gentleman? 

  BARGIE: I've had it forever. It was left on me by famous actor Jermaine Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

  CREW: [laughter]

  PLECK: Yeah, that was his last name. 

  AJ: Yeah. 

  NERMUT: My parents' favorite actor.

  BARGIE: Wait, tell me his name again? 

  CREW: [singing] Jermaine Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. 

  BARGIE: Ah! Music to my ears.

  C-53: Bargie, you know, we went to another galaxy, and I was in a toaster. 

  BARGIE: Yeah. Yeah.

  C-53: Okay? They forced me into a Hermann frame. 

  BARGIE: Yeah.

  C-53: I was a bug.

  BARGIE: Yeah.

  C-53: You didn't tell me this whole time?

  BARGIE: Yeah, because the Country Gentleman was left here on purpose. Nobody wanted it. The eyes are too intense. 

  C-53: Oh, I disagree. These are amazing.

  AJ: [quiet] Whoa. Smolder. 

  PLECK: You know, C-53, when you mentioned the Country Gentleman a while back, I sort of pictured, like, a white seersucker suit or something, but this is more like— 

  AJ: He's like the squire of a country manor, part of the landed gentry. 

  PLECK: [confused] What?

  AJ: Like out of a Jajoarn Austen novel or something like that.

  NERMUT: How do you know some things and also nothing? 

  C-53: Yeah, AJ, you’ve really been picking up the reading while I've been away.

  AJ: [straining] Oh, I got my hand stuck in my glove!

  NERMUT: Oh, that's just wearing a glove. AJ.

  PLECK: That’s how it works. That’s what a glove is.

  AJ: Oh, okay, okay. It’s fine. It’s fine.

  C-53: That is a glove.

  PLECK: But AJ's right. Like, it's got that ruffly shirt and a sort of nice little top hat. 

  C-53: Yeah, sign me up. 

  NERMUT: Does that cane retract? 

  C-53: It does indeed. [retracts cane]

  DAR: Whoa. Look at that. 

  PLECK: There's a certain sort of Chimnacial kind of, uh, I don't know, jauntiness to it that I kind of appreciate. 

  C-53: Well, allow me to use the proprietary Ronka Country Gentleman voice filter only available on the Country Gentleman, hold on. 

  AJ: Oh, wow. 

  C-53: [chimes and speaks in a mannered posh accent] Is this more to your liking? 

  PLECK: Ooh.

  DAR: [laughs] Ooh!

  AJ: Yeah! Okay, yeah.

  PLECK: What an esteemed bachelor you've become, C-53. 

  BARGIE: [pained] Memory! Ah! 

  NERMUT: RIP, C's normal voice!

  PLECK: Wait, hold on. C-53, I'm glad you're in a frame again. I'm glad you're back to being a droid, but—

  C-53: [posh] You and I both.

  PLECK: —did you say you know where Beano is? 

  C-53: [chimes and goes back to normal voice] Okay, so you all know about the sea captain? 

  PLECK: [stuttering] Not nearly as much as we want to, honestly. 

  C-53: Okay, well—

  PLECK: We know OF the sea captain. 

  [the crew all pulls up chairs] 

  C-53: Okay, I sort of don’t have time to get into the full thing if we want to get to Beano before Kor Balevore does. 

  EVIL DAR: [raising hand] Oh, sorry to interrupt. I'm going to pop in here with a quick Q.

  NERMUT: Yes, yes, the Dar in the back.

  EVIL DAR: What’s a Beano again?

  PLECK: Evil Dar…

  C-53: [sighs]

  BARGIE: Wow…

  JUSTIN: [shouting from door] You don’t even know about Beano!? Also yeah, I’ve been here the entire time! [shutting the door] Ughhh!

  PLECK: Dar, you gotta catch Evil Dar up on these things, this is sort of—

  C-53: This is base level crew stuff.

  PLECK: Crew 101.

  DAR: Absolutely, I understand where you all are coming from, but Bargie and I have a LOT to catch up on! I mean, I missed book club!

  PLECK: [sighs]

  BARGIE: Luckily, if you ask, “what is a Beano,” I have a clip.

  PLECK: Oh!

  NERMUT: Let’s just check the hyperdrive first…

  PLECK: Yeah, we should double check—what’s your battery level?

  BARGIE: We’re fiiiiiiine.

  [Bargie plays a clip]

  RECORDED BEANO: Now we know who’s been haunting the amusement park! It’s been—

  RECORDED BARGIE: Old Man Chesterfield, ohhh!

  RECORDED CHESTERFIELD: And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you rotten beans and spaceships!

  [tinny audience laughter]

  BEANO: Heeheeheehee! Hahaha!

  RECORDED CHESTERFIELD: Give me back my rubber mask.

  RECORDED BEANO: No. Heeheehee!

  PLECK: [confused] He wants the rubber mask back? I mean, the jig is up, right? 

  [Recorded Beano begins choking Old Man Chesterfield]

  RECORDED BARGIE: Beano, don't strangle him, Beano, Beano don't!

  RECORDED BEANO: Beano serve own form of justice! Beano is the law!

  C-53: Yeah, this got really weird…

  PLECK: Oh, boy.

  BARGIE: Yeah, Beano and Bargie, we started doing, what? Dramedy? By the end?

  PLECK: Yeah, I'm not sure if that's a clip I would show Evil Dar by way of sort of like, this is what Beano is. 

  EVIL DAR: Yeah. More questions than answers. 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  C-53: Yeah, Dar, maybe it’s easiest if I just explain that Beano's an all-powerful demi-Rodd who just happened to take the form of an anthropomorphic bean.

  EVIL DAR: Yep, that was much easier to understand than the clip.

  C-53: Listen, when Captain Cameron and I—

  AJ: [excited] Ooh, he has a name!

  C-53: —were sailing around the galaxy, we found a treasure map. And while I don't think about that day, for a number of reasons, while I was running my emergency memory recovery protocol, as my cube was being reassembled, I assume. 

  NERMUT: Yeah, give or take. 

  AJ: Yeah, I mean, we like, we blew on it, and then we rinsed it out.

  PLECK: Carefully. 

  AJ: Yeah. 

  PLECK: Very carefully.

  C-53: [slowly] Thanks, I guess. Anyway, while everyone was taking such good care of my cube, I was forced to relive those moments. And… it's only just occurred to me, the map was the directions to Chad's planet, where Beano was.

  AJ: What? 

  PLECK: Wait, you found a map to Chad's planet? What, how many decades ago was this? 

  C-53: Quite a few.

  EVIL DAR: Uh… Could you catch up old Dar-Dar? Just, you know, what's a Chad? Where are we going?

  PLECK: Evil Dar, I gotta tell ya, if—

  BARGIE: AJ, AJ, didn’t you make that picture book of all of our memories? Just give it to second Dar! Double Dar.

  PLECK: Oh, good call, Bargie. Evil Dar, check out this huge illustrated book that AJ made, that will catch you all up. You read that, while we talk to C-53.

  [Evil Dar begins flipping through the book]

  C-53: Look. [displays holo] So this is my original memory of the map that I saw back on Aquatis.

  NERMUT: Mm-hmm.

  PLECK: It's coordinates in a star map.

  C-53: Right, and those match up with where we found Beano the first time we met him.

  PLECK: Okay…

  C-53: But look at what I saw when I relived the memory. [switches slide]

  PLECK: Okay, this looks the same. [walks closer] Oh wait, there's a quote from a Zima scroll on this one! C-53, why do you have two versions of this map in your memory?

  C-53: An excellent question, Pleck, unless somebody's playing around with time. 

  AJ: [upset] Uh-uh, no. 

  PLECK: AJ, just hear him out.

  AJ: [groans]

  C-53: And who do we know who can play with time? 

  NERMUT: Dame Wiggles.

  C-53: Okay, she's dead, Nermut, okay?

  NERMUT: Oh wait, Kor Balevore can travel through time. What if it's a trap? 

  PLECK: Nermut, we're literally on our way to go probably get murdered by him. Why would he need to set a trap for us? 

  NERMUT: [considering] Mm, solid point. Well, if it's trapped, called it. 

  PLECK: Okay. 

  C-53: No, it's Beano himself. Beano, he's sending us a message!

  PLECK: Wait, but what is the message? 

  C-53: Look at the Zima verse on the map. [displays slide]

  PLECK: “The space between what's wrong and right is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you.”

  C-53: “The space between wrong and right.” A riddle, a riddle, Pleck!

  PLECK: Of course, yes, a riddle! Chad asked us—

  EVIL DAR: [closing book] Actually, you know, I hate to interrupt because this isn't in this little booklet I was given. Is riddles like something we all do? Is this a thing? 

  PLECK: [laughing] Dar—Evil Dar!

  C-53: Dar, can you give us just five minutes to sort of suss this out and then we'll expl—

  B Yeah.

  PLECK: We're in the revelation stage right now, Evil Dar!

  EVIL DAR: [hurt] Well, excuse me for trying to feel included!

  PLECK: Wait, C-53, we can't just go to these coordinates. There's nothing there. We saw Chad's planet destroyed by a CLINT warship.

  C-53: Indeed, but I'd be willing to bet any amount of Nermos that if I bring up this astrogation chart… [typing into Bargie, an enormous map appears] The planet is back!

  PLECK: [awed] Oh my Rodd, there it is. We have to go. We have to go find Beano!

  NERMUT: So just to be clear, we're still not going to Mufalata Secundus.

  PLECK: [annoyed] Yeah, we're gonna go. We're gonna go. [shouting over Nermut and C-53] You don't think we need to go get Beano first? You don't think we need to get Beano first? [grabs Nermut] 

  NERMUT: No, we do! Just—

  AJ: Whoa, Papa.

  EVIL DAR: [impressed] Whoa, does he always turn this shade of pink when he gets upset? 

  BARGIE: Yeah.

  DAR: Yeah. [laughs] Or pinker. 

  C-53: You haven't even seen the pinkest.

  [music begins] 

  NARRATOR: The final confrontation draws inexorably closer and…. closer. Following a map to the Beanochron from deep within the recesses of C-53's memory banks, our intrepid crew hurtles toward their destinies with everything on the line and nothing left in the tank. [ominous chorus begins singing] Meanwhile, the wack mastermind, Kor Balevore, has assembled a cadre of shadowy nemeses to confront the unwitting crew. The disgruntled Captain Cameron, a backup copy of Federated Alliance Protocol droid C-53, and a perfect clone of Nermut Bundaloy. [doubtfully] That's probably all of them, though, right? [triumphant chorus] Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter, Country Gentleman C-53, Captain Dar, Security Officer Dar, super soldier AJ-2884, musician Nermut Bundaloy, OG crewmate Justin Ballwheat, and storied starship, the Bargarean Jade, head into the deadly unknown to save the galaxy and the very fabric of the universe on surely their final… [echoing] Mission to Zyxx! [crawl swells]

  [intro music]

  [Bargie lands on Chad’s planet and the crew exits her hatch]

  PLECK: This is incredible! The—this planet is completely unchanged. We've got all of these wall-less, roofed enclosures. We saw the planet explode, this is insane!

  C-53: It got atomized by CLINTs.

  EVIL DAR: [flipping] This is not how you describe it here in this little guide, I have to say. 

  AJ: [annoyed] Well, I wasn't there for this one. 

  PLECK: Yeah, AJ did take some creative liberties in the pre-AJ, yeah—

  NERMUT: Oh, wow, AJ, that's a terrible drawing.

  AJ: [offended] What?

  NERMUT: The planet is a bean?

  AJ: I don't know. 

  JUSTIN: [shouting] Also, why am I here? 

  C-53: Y’know, that’s a fair question, Justin.

  PLECK: Justin, listen, if you're gonna insist on being a part of the original crew, you gotta go on missions with us. That's part of the deal, buddy.

  JUSTIN: This’s so lame. 

  PLECK: All right.

  C-53: Well, if Chad is in the same place he originally was on this planet, he should be just around this corner.

  AJ: [charges blaster] Lock and load, let’s take him out.

  C-53: AJ, we have no reason to think that he’s—

  PLECK: Yeah, no, we’re definitely—

  CHAD: [shouting] Who’s up there? Who? Who's over there going, who is it? 

  PLECK: [walking up] Hello, hello, it's us! It's, uh, Pleck Decksetter, the crew of the Bargarean Jade, C-53, Nermut, Dar…

  CHAD: Who, what, and the what nows? 

  NERMUT: Oh, I know what it is, Chad. There was only one Dar before, but see, we actually went back in time—

  PLECK: I don’t think that’s—I don't think that's the point of confusion. Listen, Chad, how do you not remember us? We're the people who answered your riddles. We got the Beanochron and we left the planet and then you were destroyed.

  CHAD: What? Well, we were destroyed and reconstituted as we always are. 

  C-53: Hmm…

  CHAD: Plus, I've been here for so long, you think I remember every… whatever you are, and every whatever that thing is? 

  C-53: Yeah, that wouldn’t make a lot of sense.

  CHAD: And every whatever this is? 

  AJ: Whoa.

  JUSTIN: Whoaaaa…

  CHAD: Oh, Justin, right?

  JUSTIN: Yes.

  C-53: Wow, really?

  PLECK: [baffled] How do you know Justin? 

  AJ: How—whoa, hold on.

  CHAD: Oh, we have a mutual friend. 

  JUSTIN: Doug! 

  CHAD: You guys know Doug?

  C-53: No. 

  PLECK: I mean, I—

  CHAD: Okay.

  JUSTIN: Who doesn't know Doug?

  PLECK: Okay.

  CHAD: Anyhow, what are you doing here? Are you here to see the relic? 

  C-53: [happy] I knew it, Beano is here. 

  PLECK: Oh my Rodd, C-53, he WAS sending us a message. Chad. Yeah, we're here to get the relic again. Can we just grab it from you real quick? We'll be on our way. We won't bother you.

  CHAD: Oh, well, first you'd have to answer my riddles, fool!

  PLECK: We—

  C-53: Okay, but we did answer the riddles, so this—

  PLECK: Chad, we already did—we already did that. 

  CHAD: Oh, have you? Yeah, you're the first group of people to try that one.

  [Chad closes the door behind the crew and begins setting up]

  CHAD: [mocking] “We already answered the riddles, just let us in!” I don't think so.

  AJ: Yeah, that’s probably right on the… 

  C-53: Yeah, it’s probably a fairly common tactic.

  PLECK: All right, all right, go ahead.

  CHAD: [unfolds paper] Okay, just for background, so I know how to calibrate the riddles. How old are you? 

  PLECK: Me? 

  CHAD: Yeah, you.

  PLECK: [tired] I'm 29.

  CHAD: [writing down] 29, okay, forget that. Now, here we go. First riddle, you are driving a spaceship. 

  PLECK: Okay.

  CHAD: Four people get on, two people get off.

  PLECK: Right.

  CHAD: An alien gets on, two aliens get off. Three aliens get on, two people get off. How old is the driver of the spaceship? 

  PLECK: [sighs] 29. 

  [several beats of silence]

  CHAD: [puts away riddle] Well, look who's so smart. [hits table] Look at the genius!

  JUSTIN: How’d you do that?

  AJ: How did you get that? 

  PLECK: AJ, no, he said—he started this whole thing asking how old I was. 

  CHAD: It’s just a starter riddle.

  PLECK: Also, I've answered this riddle before! 

  CHAD: [pulls out riddle] Oh, sure you have. A lot of people get the first one. The second one, they're crying, they're calling their moms or dads or whatever kind of family they come from. No judgments. [shouting] Any hoots and hollers. Here we go. A frantak sits atop a roof.

  PLECK: [laughing] Yes, no, we know, Chad, frantaks don't lay eggs!

  C-53: [crosstalk] Frantaks don’t lay eggs, yeah.

  CHAD: [long pause] What in the hell is happening? 

  AJ: [excited] Whoa, how did you guys get it two in a row? 

  JUSTIN: So smart!

  CHAD: I haven't even told you the entire riddle.

  PLECK: Chad, we already told you—

  C-53: We answered the riddle before, Chad.

  PLECK: We told you this already. 

  C-53: We know the answers. 

  CHAD: You guys got into my email or something?

  C-53: No, Chad. 

  CHAD: Because I only share that password with Doug and that's it! And I thought I could trust Doug. 

  PLECK: [laughing] Why would you—why would you share your email password with anyone? 

  NERMUT: You shared the whole account? Or just the password?

  CHAD: Sometimes he has to check my email. Look, it's a long story, and I'm happy to tell it. 

  C-53: Chad, listen, we've heard these riddles before. I can even prove it to you. What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.

  CHAD: Ooh, good question. What?

  C-53: That was your next riddle, right? 

  CHAD: How—? Okay, Doug is gonna get a talking to.

  AJ: WHOA! This is crazy!

  PLECK: AJ, relax. 

  JUSTIN: I don't trust Doug anymore!

  CHAD: Yeah, Justin. I mean, if I were you, I wouldn't trust Doug. I wouldn't. 

  EVIL DAR: [excited] Ooh, ooh, I don't know if any of you know this, but the relic is a slightly warm bean! [impressed chuckle]

  NERMUT: [disappointed] Evil Dar.

  PLECK: Evil Dar, you—

  C-53: Yeah, Evil Dar, that’s what we've been talking about this entire time.

  EVIL DAR: No, you've been talking about Beano this entire time. 

  C-53: One and the same.

  EVIL DAR: [murmurs contemplatively and flips through the book] Right.

  C-53: There. You got there.

  AJ: [impressed] I can't believe you guys are so good at riddles. How did I never know this? 

  C-53 & PLECK: AJ…

  AJ: Are there any more? Is this it? 

  NERMUT: There's another.

  C-53: There's one more. 

  PLECK: You wanna take this one, AJ?

  AJ: Okay, okay, yeah.

  C-53: Yeah, go for it, AJ.

  CHAD: [opening paper] Okay, AJ. This bad boy is unsolvable.

  AJ: Okay. 

  CHAD: [reading] A Tellurian goes to a restaurant, okay? Don't forget that part. It's important. He orders a Garfon sandwich, right? The chef brings by a Garfon sandwich, okay? The Tellurian takes one bite, okay? Runs outside, jumps into infinite space, thereby killing himself. Why? 

  AJ: Because he realized he'd eaten his friend.

  CHAD: [screaming, banging table] RODDDAMMIT!

  PLECK: AJ! 

  CHAD: [throwing chair] Oh Rodd!

  PLECK: How did you know that?

  C-53: How did you get that so fast, AJ?

  AJ: Oh, well, one time on a strike team…

  PLECK: I don't wanna… No, AJ, you know what? Don't actually… 

  C-53: Oh, this immediately took a—

  PLECK: This happened—this actually happened to you? 

  AJ: Yeah. Who hasn't it happened to? 

  PLECK: [sighs]

  C-53: Oh, boy.

  AJ: Start with a pinky. See what happens.

  CHAD: All right, well, you've answered my riddles.

  JUSTIN: What happens next? 

  PLECK: Now we go get Beano and we're on our way.

  C-53: If that's acceptable with you, Chad, I mean, I don’t know if the…

  CHAD: Well, no, I mean, I've set up the criteria. You've met them. I feel obliged to allow you to do it, even though it's clear you've cheated in some way. 

  C-53: Well, but is answering the same set of riddles again cheating?

  CHAD: Here's a question for you. Is your mom answering the same set of riddles cheating? 

  AJ: [laughing] Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, yes!

  CHAD: Leave you with that.

  AJ: Yes! You burnt!

  PLECK: All right. Yeah, so I'll just, uh, slide past you here and grab the old bean, I guess. [walks up to relic]

  CHAD: Well, I have no choice but to allow you back, there’s—how do you know the relic is a bean? 

  PLECK: Chad, listen, I don't know how to—

  AJ: Uh… is that part of the riddle?

  PLECK: Listen, Chad, I know that you don't remember any of our interaction, but us finding the Beanochron was sort of the most important thing that we've ever done. It sort of became the basis of a lot of the rest of our adventures! 

  [Chad strolls off]

  AJ: Oh, he doesn't care.

  C-53: Yeah, he's really, he's not having it.

  PLECK: [laughing] He just walked off. 

  AJ: Yeah, he just walked away.

  [Chad dials into his phone]

  CHAD: Hey, Doug. 

  JUSTIN: Oh, whoa, Chad’s on the phone!

  PLECK: [tired] All right, let's go.

  CHAD: [speaking into phone] I just met these really weird people. Oh, and Justin was there. You know Justin? Of course, everybody knows Justin. What's going on with the email, man? I don't know, that's really... Doug, no, I can't— [angry] Don't pretend you're going through a tunnel, Doug. I know you're not! Why are you—are you sharing my email? [Doug hangs up] Rodddamn it! Rodddamn it. [smashes into table] Oops, I tripped. 

  [transition, the crew is back on Bargie]

  NERMUT: Wait, Beano was on this counter. Where's the box? 

  PLECK: Where's Beano?

  [Justin walks out of his room, where he is blasting Brihx] 

  JUSTIN: It's in my room!

  PLECK: What? Justin, can you bring Beano out here? 

  JUSTIN: But it's a cool box!

  C-53: Justin, could you please get the box and bring it back out here? 

  JUSTIN: But I literally like, own nothing. Why can't I just keep this as a gift?

  NERMUT: It's an all-powerful deity, Justin. 

  PLECK: Also, Justin, this thing is ancient. [picks up the box] One of the things my eye can do is carbon dating, and this box is… [eye scans] looks like about 30,000 years old. Is that right? 

  NERMUT: Whoa. 

  PLECK: Oh, hold on a second. I've got an ad I've got to close. It's for Beanbox? 

  AJ: Oh, yeah. 

  PLECK: It's a monthly box subscription. 

  C-53: But only legume-based meals?

  PLECK: Yeah, let me just close it. 

  AJ: Hey, what does it say on the side here? [taps box] It's writing. 

  C-53: Whoa, this is Old Ranglish. 

  NERMUT: That's my deodorant. 

  C-53: I mean, functionally a dead language. Naturally, the Country Gentleman is well-versed in any of the historic languages of the galaxy. 

  PLECK: Sure. 

  C-53: So…

  AJ: Landed gentry. 

  C-53: [reading] “Let it be known that the room inside this receptacle is blessed for all time by Rodos the Sunlighter.”

  PLECK: Who the juck is Rodos the Sunlighter? 

  BARGIE: Who’s that?

  C-53: Uh, no no, sorry. That wasn't it. [picks up the box and reads further] “Rodos the Sunlighter, glory to those that bathe within his sacred light. Woe be to those that fall within the cursed shadows outside of his divine radiance.”

  PLECK: Wow, long inscription. 

  C-53: Yeah, there’s—there is actually—[C-53 flips over the box]

  PLECK: Oh, it goes all the way over on the other side.

  C-53: Yeah, it goes all the way around to the other side of the box. 

  NERMUT: Oh man.

  AJ: So, wait, this is the first time you guys have seen this, even though you've had it before? 

  C-53: I just went in and picked up the relic last time. I wasn't paying that much attention to the box. 

  AJ: So, it's a retinal confirmation? 

  C-53: I—I suppose it is!

  AJ: [quietly] The writing on the box is a retcon? 

  NERMUT: Now it is. 

  AJ: Got it. 

  BARGIE: Hey, hey, why are we all just talking around, okay? 

  NERMUT: We've been doing it for five years. 

  PLECK: Talking around? 

  BARGIE: All you do is yap, yap, yippity, yop. 

  NERMUT: We go on missions. 

  BARGIE: Around in circles. But right now, there's a box and it needs to be opened. Yet, none of you are opening it. All you are doing is talking. 

  NERMUT: Fair. 

  PLECK: No, you’re right.

  BARGIE: Before you can even open it. 

  PLECK: Thank you.

  BARGIE: There is a box in front of you and you're not doing it. 

  NERMUT: Good point, good point.

  PLECK: You're right, Bargie, let's open it up. 

  BARGIE: You can open the box because Beano is in that box, and we all know Beano! We all love Beano! Beano owes me an email. 

  C-53: Barge, we are all—[C-53 opens the box] 

  BARGIE: Beano, I think, is in my top ten friends to be perfectly honest with you. 

  NERMUT: [trying to speak over Bargie] Okay, Bargie, now you—it’s real pot kettle black—

  BARGIE: You'd never think you'd become friends with a bean, but I beca—oh, you're opening it? 

  AJ: Yeah, it's open. 

  C-53: It's—it’s been open, Barge. 

  BARGIE: Oh. 

  PLECK: [scanning with eye] There it is. 140-some degrees, looks like. 

  C-53: Perfect. 

  BARGIE: That doesn't look like Beano, though. 

  C-53: Well, no, he's in his hibernative state. 

  JUSTIN: Wait, that's just a bean!

  NERMUT: It’s a large, warm bean. 

  PLECK: It's hot, Justin. 

  C-53: Yes. 

  PLECK: [walking off] Here, I'll get a glass of water.

  C-53: Perfect. 

  [Pleck begins filling a glass] 

  NERMUT: Everyone, I kind of think I know the answer to this question, but where are the… what do you think the Dars are doing? 

  PLECK: Oh boy.

  BARGIE: [laughing] What's the answer to the question? 

  NERMUT: Nothing, no, no, no, you know what? Let’s look at Beano.

  [door opens]

  DAR: Go long, go long!

  EVIL DAR: All right.

  [Dar tosses Horsehat to Evil Dar]

  HORSEHAT: Wheeee!

  [Evil Dar catches Horsehat, chuckles]

  NERMUT: They're just throwing Horsehat. 

  AJ: Wow, they're co-parenting. 

  PLECK: [laughing] Much more wholesome than I thought. 

  C-53: I will say, Horsehat has been loving this much attention. 

  HORSEHAT: Again!

  DAR: Nermut! Get in here!

  NERMUT: I, uh—we—um—I’m good! [nervous] We’re, like, doing the Beano thing, but I totally can catch Horsehat. [whispering] Guys, I can't. I actually can't. 

  AJ: No, really? You gotta lift, man. 

  PLECK: No, we know. Hollow bones.

  C-53: Nermut, you’d be pulverized. 

  AJ: You gotta plant. I think if you plant, you'll be fine. 

  BARGIE: If they were doing the dirty thing, you’d go in.

  NERMUT: That's true, Barge. 

  PLECK: All right, in he goes. 

  [Pleck plops Beano into the cup of water]

  NERMUT: All right. 

  AJ: All right. 

  PLECK: Now we wait!

  AJ: So he turns into a Rodd, like, a demi-Rodd now, or? 

  [Beano begins sizzling in the water]

  C-53: Uh, it wasn’t instantaneous. 

  AJ: Huh. But we have the ultimate weapon now. 

  [long pause]

  BARGIE: Friendship. 

  NERMUT: Oh, Bargie, that’s so sweet.

  AJ: No, I meant the demi-Rodd. 

  PLECK: I think—I think AJ meant Beano. 

  AJ: Yeah.

  C-53: Well, I’ve gotta say, Barge, that's, y’know, very touching. 

  PLECK: Yeah, thank you, Bargie. 

  BARGIE: [grimly] Well, I believe friendship is a weapon you use against your enemies. 

  PLECK: Okay, all right. Yeah. That makes more sense. 

  AJ: Yeah. 

  [Bargie exits hyperspace just above the planet of Mufalata Secundus]

  PLECK: Wow. Mufalata Secundus. Never thought I’d be back on this planet. 

  C-53: Is that fortress even more imposing than it was the first time we were here?

  DAR: Definitely.

  NERMUT: I can't see the top. 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  AJ: Oh, yeah, it's definitely got another level of spikes. 

  PLECK & C-53: Yeah. 

  C-53: The battlements are a lot pointier than I remember. 

  PLECK: Well, Bargie—

  BARGIE: Yeah.

  PLECK: We'll be back soon. 

  BARGIE: [solemnly] You know, I'll always remember this moment when all of us were here together. 

  NERMUT: Yeah. 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  C-53: Yeah.

  AJ: Yeah. 

  C-53: Well spoken, Bargie. 

  NERMUT: Before the big showdown. 

  PLECK: [genuinely] Bargie, you know what, I don't think we say it enough. Thank you for being here for us. Thank you for taking us everywhere we need to go. You're—you’re the reason any of this has been possible. 

  C-53: We'd be lost without you, Barge. 

  DAR: Bargie, you're our rock. 

  BARGIE: [whispering] Say more…

  NERMUT: Literally our ride or die because we'd be in just cold space without you. 

  DAR: Mm-hmm.

  BARGIE: Yeah. Everyone get involved in this. 

  EVIL DAR: [nervous] Bargie, I know I just joined the crew… in a way. 

  BARGIE: Yeah. 

  EVIL DAR: But, uh…

  [Bargie opens her hatch to Mufalata Secundus, and the crew disembarks]

  EVIL DAR: I'm just so impressed that you were able to do all this while also wearing a ballgown. 

  BARGIE: Thank you. Yeah, what do you think? 

  PLECK: Wait, hold on, Bargie, why are you—why are you wearing a ballgown? 

  [Bargie closes her hatch and takes off]

  AJ: Oh, my alert just went off on my cal. You gotta get going, girl!

  BARGIE: I know, I gotta go. Anyway, have fun with this little adventure you're doing. 

  PLECK: [laughing] What?! Where are you… Bargie!

  BARGIE: Send me a postcard. Have fun. 

  DAR: What does this mean? 

  AJ: Oh, you guys didn't sync Bargie's cal? 

  NERMUT: [baffled] No, what is on the cal? 

  AJ: Big day for you, Bargie!

  BARGIE: Huge. I mean, I got my HMU team outside doing my H, M, and U. 

  AJ: Yeah, all right. Best of luck!

  DAR: What does HMU mean? 

  BARGIE: It's Hull and Make Up because today is the Boboscars [singing] and Bargie's been inviiiii-teeed!

  CREW: Oh!

  AJ: The Boboscars. It's tonight, you guys!

  PLECK: Bargie, you got nominated for a Boboscar? 

  BARGIE: No. No, I mean, I was invited. I don't know exactly why I've been invited. I mean, the last thing I did was… I guess a small play in another… 

  PLECK: Galaxy.

  BARGIE: Galaxy. 

  C-53: Yeah, Barge, it’s probably not for that. 

  BARGIE: But they told me I have to come. They told me it was mandatory. And in this town, if something's mandatory, that means they're thinking about you. So I'm going! 

  AJ: Seriously, nobody else knew this was on the cal? I was kind of going, wow, it's crazy that we've got two big things happening at the same time. But that's what the cal is for!

  PLECK: [frustrated] But, Bargie, wha—if there is one time for it not to be cool for you to just leave right now, it's right now!

  NERMUT: Yeah. I feel like this could lead to our deaths, not having an escape. 

  BARGIE: Anyway, the Boboscars are going to be so much better to see if we're getting rid of all the boring categories like Best Picture, and Sound Design. 

  AJ: Oh, yeah. Sound design, but I mean, like, what does that do? Anyway, let me do a flip on a lava flow!

  [a distinct lack of sound]

  PLECK: [laughing] Whoa, cool!

  AJ: Weird, it didn't make a sound. Huh.

  PLECK: Usually when you do a flip, it makes a noise, but that was totally silent. 

  AJ: Anyway, sound design is for nerds. [farts loudly]

  NERMUT: Oh, but I heard that. 

  DAR: Bargie, does this mean we can't leave Horsehat with you while we go do this dangerous—

  BARGIE: Oh, oh, Horsehat’s already suited up. 

  PLECK: Wait—

  BARGIE: Yeah. Horsehat is going to be holding my purse. 

  HORSEHAT: [into microphone] Look at my tuxedo!

  DARS: [gasp from the sheer cuteness]

  PLECK: Whoa, Horsehat! 

  HORSEHAT: It's my tuxedo, guys. 

  DAR: [awwing] So cute. 

  EVIL DAR: Wow!

  NERMUT: That is incredibly cute.

  PLECK: That is adorable. 

  C-53: Horsehat, I must commend you on the stylish outfit.

  BARGIE: I know! [baby voice] Little tuxedo, it's so tiny. 

  EVIL DAR: I bet I could fit into that. 

  PLECK: Well, Bargie, in case we don't get another chance to say— 

  BARGIE: BYE!

  [Bargie flies off]

  HORSEHAT: Bye, buh-bye!

  DAR: Wow, there they go. 

  NERMUT: Quite a gal. 

  HORSEHAT: I hope you win!

  DAR: [quietly] Bye, Horsehat…

  C-53: [sympathetic] They'll be fine, Dar.

  DAR: Yeah, no. [nervous laughter] I mean, they should win an award just for looking that cute! 

  C-53: [laughing] Yeah, sure. Yeah.

  PLECK: Well, let's head in, I guess. 

  [The crew strolls across Mufalata Secundus, surveying the wasted landscape and hordes of lava crows]

  AJ: [excited] This place is still awesome! And look! Lava crows are back, like, they're firing on all cylinders. This is just like, badass. 

  LAVA CROW: [flying up] Let me explain the blockchain! 

  LAVA CROW: Buy my JPEG!

  LAVA CROW: Decentralize everything, bro! Bro! Bro!

  LAVA CROW: Buy my JPEG!

  LAVA CROW: Government of the people, bro! Blockchain! Blockchain!

  AJ: [charges blaster]

  PLECK: [warning] AJ, put your gun—do not even—don't even think about it. 

  AJ: Just let me—just let me pop one!

  LAVA CROW: Careful what you caw. You might get canceled!

  AJ: Let me blast one. Let me blast both!

  LAVA CROW: The sci-fi franchise I like didn’t end the way I wanted it to! 

  PLECK: No, no, don't even think about it. 

  C-53: No, AJ, remember last time.

  [the crew begins walking away]

  DAR: So, Evil Dar, I need you to understand that we all got to see lava crows the last time that we met Kor Balevore. 

  PLECK: Yeah, yeah, And if you try to destroy them, they only get more—

  EVIL DAR: Yeah, no, I’m aware.

  PLECK: Oh, you've been here, of course. 

  EVIL DAR: Thank you for catching me up, but…

  DAR: Riiight… right…

  EVIL DAR: Obviously, Kor and I have a preexisting relationship. 

  C-53: Sure.

  AJ: Hey, uh, gang?

  NERMUT/C-53: Yeah./Mm-hmm.

  AJ: Is it weird that the front doors are, like—like, wide open? 

  PLECK: [laughing] No, actually, AJ, I think it's sort of understandable. I'm pretty sure Kor has sort of been assuming we would show up here at some point. 

  AJ: You got the bean? 

  PLECK: [pats pocket] Yeah. Oh yeah.

  C-53: Well, I suppose we're as prepared as we're going to be. 

  AJ: All right. 

  [Evil Dar grabs Dar’s hand]

  EVIL DAR: Oh. Sorry, I—I kind of just instinctively took your hand. 

  DAR: Oh, no, it's fine. If you need to hold my hand, you can hold my hand. 

  PLECK: [solemnly] Well, gang, we finally made it. This is the end. It's the end of the road. 

  AJ: What, do you think this is the last thing we're going to do together? 

  PLECK: Um… For a while, probably. 

  AJ: Really? 

  NERMUT: Oh, I thought you meant this road, because that’s literally true.

  AJ: Wow, okay. 

  PLECK: [laughing] We might go on a trip or something at some point, but. 

  AJ: Oh, okay, okay!

  PLECK: Crew…

  AJ: Yeah, Papa. Pep talk! Pep talk time, Papa! 

  PLECK: [seriously] We're about to experience wackness to a degree none of us can comprehend, okay? Keep your wits about you. 

  AJ: Head on a swivel!

  PLECK: Remember, we are here fighting for the fresh, okay? 

  DAR/EVIL DAR: Uh-huh!/Right.

  PLECK: We are united. We are together. I just want to say— 

  AJ: [interrupting] I think I’m just gonna go head in. Do I—should I go head in now, or—

  PLECK: No, AJ, come back! I'm not done. I’m not done yet!

  NERMUT: [crosstalk] AJ, it’s the middle of the pep talk!

  C-53: [crosstalk] AJ, I think he’s kinda doin’ a thing here, yeah.

  PLECK: I’m not done yet!

  AJ: All right, yeah, so—we're united? 

  PLECK: [quietly] I just—I love you guys, is all I want to say, okay? 

  DAR: [touched] Aw, Pleck. 

  EVIL DAR: [emotionally] I love you, too. 

  DAR: Oh! I mean, I knew I was about to say it, but already? 

  EVIL DAR: Honestly, it just fell out, but I think I feel it!

  DAR: That's big. I love that. I love that for you! 

  EVIL DAR: Oh, thank you!

  AJ: Aw… Papa…. [charges blaster] 

  PLECK: [upset] Don't back away. AJ, don't say "aw" as you're backing away cocking your gun. 

  AJ: Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah, I love you, too, Papa, of course. It goes without saying. I love all you guys. 

  NERMUT: I love you all, too, especially C, who's pulling my second road case here. 

  C-53: As soon as we get inside the castle, you’re on your own, Nermut.

  PLECK: Nermut… Nermut…

  NERMUT: Yeah.

  PLECK: You're not going to collab with clone Nermut, Nermut. It's not going to happen. 

  NERMUT: Nothing can stop art. 

  AJ: [dramatically] All right, let's lock and load. One… last… time. [charges blaster]

  PLECK: But if you shoot your blaster, you're going to have to lock and load again. 

  AJ: Oh, until the next time I lock and load. 

  NERMUT: It’s the last time you’re going to lock and load until you fire a second time? 

  AJ: Right!

  PLECK: You say that every single time! You say that every single time. 

  [The crew begins walking into the open door]

  C-53: I think we may be getting caught up into the semantics of the locking and loading. [C-53 drops Nermut’s case]

  NERMUT: C-53, I saw you leave that case behind. 

  C-53: We're inside the castle, so it's going to be your responsibility from here on out. 

  NERMUT: [struggling to move the case]

  PLECK: Whoa, C-53, I'm getting a reading in my eye that I've never seen before. What are tachyon particles? 

  AJ: Nerds. 

  C-53: Hmm, typically a hallmark of time travel. 

  AJ: [nervous whisper] Oh, juck me. 

  PLECK: Oh boy.

  C-53: Things are… going to get weird. 

  [Kor Balevore appears in a crackling ball of energy]

  KOR: [distorted and growing in volume] I think you mean… they’re going… to get… [screaming] WACK! 

  [Kor explodes out with a sizzling wood saber and hovers over the crew, cackling maniacally]

  [crew reacts in fear and alarm]

  [lava crows squawk]

  AJ: Holy shit, is that Kor Balevore?!

  C-53: Yes, AJ.

  PLECK: [annoyed, laughing] Yes. Yes, why—what kind of question is that? 

  NERMUT: AJ…

  KOR: [angry] Did you not… I NAILED that entrance, and you're confused about whether that was me or not? 

  AJ: I don't know. It might have been a big-ass lava crow! That was—I dunno!

  C-53: Fully cybernetic body! He’s holding the Dinglehopper, okay? There's red mist swirling from his clothes! 

  AJ: [upset] I don't know, man!

  [lava crows begin swarming]

  KOR: [shouting] Stop! Crows, go back. It's jucked. It all got jucked. All right, head back inside. 

  PLECK: [dramatic] Kor Balevore. [draws woodsaber]

  KOR: [dismissive] We're not even gonna do it now ‘cause it's all ruined. ‘Cause AJ ruined it all.

  C-53: Oh, really, are you sure?

  AJ: What? C’mon.

  KOR: Well, why, we—Okay. [draws Dinglehopper and speaks with a snarl] Pleck. Decksetter. 

  C-53: See, it’s fine, we’re getting back into it. 

  AJ: Yeah, it’s back.

  KOR: I see you have a nice little broomstick there. 

  PLECK: Listen, somebody stole my Dinglehopper, and furthermore, it's not about the weapon, okay? It's about what's in here. [taps heart] The Self. You wouldn't know anything about that because your torso is cybernetic! 

  KOR: [sheathes dinglehopper] Isn't one of your best friends a robot? 

  PLECK: [flustered] Yeah. Well, no, I mean, yes, obviously. Okay. 

  AJ: Yikes…

  C-53: That was sort of a burn on non-organic sentients, Pleck. 

  PLECK: Yeah, well. I mean, sure.

  KOR: Maybe workshop that one for a second, big guy. 

  PLECK: Okay, I'm just—

  AJ: [shouting] Yeah, maybe you workshop this! [charges blaster and fires] 

  PLECK: AJ…

  KOR: [swings the Dinglehopper like a fan, deflecting every blaster bolt]

  NERMUT: Whoa!

  PLECK: Wow. Deflected all of those. 

  KOR: Nice try, AJ. Tell me something. You seem to be a fan, that little laser gun of yours. Would you like to see true laser power? 

  AJ: Uh, yeah. 

  PLECK: [laughing] No, AJ, don't… don’t answer that.

  C-53: AJ, you don’t—that’s not an offer you should take. 

  NERMUT: Why would that be a yes?

  KOR: [excited] Check this out. Check this out. Check this out. [barfs up a laser beam]

  [The crew screams and runs towards cover]

  KOR: Right out of my mouth. 

  EVIL DAR: Ugh. I knew he was going to do this. 

  KOR: [strolling towards the crew] Dar. You've infiltrated the crew and convinced them you were their friend. Excellent work. 

  EVIL DAR: [dithering] Uh…. Well... 

  DAR: Uhhh…

  NERMUT: They did infiltrate. 

  AJ: Yeah, I guess so. 

  KOR: Although… It does seem you were unable to dispatch any of them in advance, so... 

  PLECK: [chiming in] Well, they did actually shoot C-53's head off, so. 

  NERMUT: Yeah, blew it up. 

  PLECK: Yeah, that almost killed him. 

  KOR: [happy] Oh, good!

  EVIL DAR: [lying] Yeah, totally on purpose. 

  DAR: [whispering] Not on purpose, I'm so sorry again. 

  C-53: They missed the cube, so... 

  KOR: [shouting and slowly building crackling energy] Silence! Moving on. I have become so much more powerful than I have ever been. You have never beheld a wielder of the wack such as I! [echoing] All will be brought to chaos and ruin! 

  NERMUT: After all of Kor’s scheming, the plan is chaos? 

  PLECK: No, Nermut, it's just like Two said! Without Beano, the galaxy will fall into chaos. That's exactly what's happening! 

  DAR: Yeah, yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. How does that work? 

  PLECK: Yeah. Good question, actually, Dar. 

  KOR: The plan… That each passing moment would eclipse into an eternal heat death of the universe where each being is extruded infinitely past the event horizon of wackitude! 

  NERMUT: Oh, that kind of chaos. 

  PLECK: Okay, that's what he's saying. 

  LAVA CROW: [cawing]

  [Kor grabs the lava crow, snaps its neck]

  NERMUT: Oh, he just snapped the crow's neck. 

  PLECK: Oh no! 

  [Kor begins messily drinking from the stump]

  NERMUT: Oh, he’s drinking it like a bev!

  AJ: Oh, whoa, drank the lava.

  C-53: Ah… oh!

  KOR: You can just drink them by popping a head off!

  AJ: Ugh… [snaps a pic] 

  [transition music] 

  [Bargie arrives at the red carpet from the Boboscars. A group of paparazzi and journalists are all snapping pictures of everyone present]

  PAPARAZZI: Bargie, Bargie, over this way!

  PAPARAZZI: Ooh, it’s Bargie! Bargie, over here!

  BARGIE: [internally] Horsehat, this is what we call the red carpet. It's where you see everybody else who took jobs that you were up for. 

  BARGIE: [externally] Hi. Hi there. Hello, hello. Hi.

  PAPARAZZI: Bargie and guest! Bargie and guest!

  DEDOODOP: Bargie, it's me, Dedoodop Quist from Holowood Tonight! 

  BARGIE: How you doing? 

  DEDOODOP: I'm doing great. How are you? 

  BARGIE: You know, I'm just happy to be here. I'm surprised, to be honest. 

  DEDOODOP: Well, tell us, ship of the stars, what are your plans for this fabulous evening? 

  BARGIE: Well, what am I going to do? I'm just going to exist. Honestly, insensitive question. 

  PAPARAZZI: Bargie, pivot? Bargie, pivot. 

  [Bargie begins pivoting for the cameras, knocking over everything around her]

  CAMERAMAN: [snapping pics] Uh-huh. Yep. Wider lens. Give me a wider lens! 

  DINKLE: Bargie, Bargie! Dinkle Wakampe. Bargie!

  BARGIE: Where are you? 

  DINKLE: I'm down here!

  BARGIE: Where's your voice coming from? 

  DINKLE: Very small, long microphone! 

  BARGIE: Oh, hi. Yes, I see. 

  DINKLE: Hello. 

  BARGIE: Yes, kind of. Hello. 

  DINKLE: Hello, hello. Um, I have a question. It's more of a comment. It was reported that you were dead. 

  BARGIE: [hesitant] Uh… I was in another galaxy, which, yes, made many people believe I'm dead. Believe me, my voicemail was filled with a lot of people saying what they wanted to say after I was dead! [forced laugh]

  PAPARAZZI: [shouting] Barge, who are you wearing? Who are you wearing? 

  BARGIE: I'm wearing Cheryl Bedeau's latest line from about 50 years ago. 

  [Bargie’s hatch opens and Horsehat walks onto the red carpet]

  PAPARAZZI: Bargie, tell us about the child you're here with. 

  HORSEHAT: Hellooo!

  PAPARAZZI: Who's the ingenue? Who's the ingenue? 

  HORSEHAT: What's a ingenue? 

  BARGIE: Ladies and gents and sentients and unsentients alike, this is Horsehat! Do a spin, babe!

  HORSEHAT: [spinning] Whoa whoa whoaaa…. I’m dizzy… 

  PAPARAZZI: Wow. Now, that's star power. 

  PAPARAZZI: Who's your agent? 

  PAPARAZZI: Wow, yeah. Can we get Horsehat alone? Can we get Horsehat alone? Without Bargie? Out of the shot.

  HORSEHAT: I guess?

  DINKLE: [muffled] You’re standing on Dinkle. 

  HORSEHAT: Sorry…

  PAPARAZZI: Horsehat, what are you wearing? Who are you wearing? 

  HORSEHAT: I'm wearin’ a tie, and shoes, and a jacket, and a bow. And underpants. 

  PAPARAZZI: Who are you dating, Horsehat? 

  HORSEHAT: I have a friend at school named Daniel!

  [Todd starts shouting in the distance]

  TODD: [emotional] I'm crazy about you, Barge!

  BARGIE: Not you. 

  TODD: Barge! Look at me!

  SECURITY: Taze him! Taze him!

  [Todd is tazed and dragged away]

  BARGIE: Horsehat, look away. Horsehat, look away. 

  TODD: Baaarge! Baaaarge! [yelling] Please, you gotta look at me, Barge!

  BARGIE: [aside] Horsehat, I look like I'm not into it, but I am. I love fans. I love fans!

  TODD: [thrilled] Did you hear that? She loves me! She loves me!

  BARGIE: Taze him! Taze him!

  SECURITY: Taze him again!

  BARGIE: Thank you for your support. 

  PAPARAZZI: Bargie! Bargie, over here!

  PAPARAZZI: Can we get a profile? Can we get a profile pic? 

  BARGIE: Alright, enough questions. We have to go to the Boboscars!

  [Bargie takes off] 

  DEDOODOP: Up next is comedian Sachi Barncohn promoting his next film. 

  BARNCONE: [robotically] My wife. My wife. My wife.

  [transition]

  PLECK: [dramatically] Kor Balevore, you may think you've won, but we've got something you don't even know about! [unzips bag and takes out Beano] We've returned to Chad's planet and we've procured… the Beanochron! 

  KOR: [fearful and running away] AH! I am ruined! Truly!

  PLECK: YES! [triumphant laughter]

  NERMUT: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yesss!

  AJ: Yeah! 

  NERMUT: Oh, deal with it!

  PLECK: [proudly] The forces of fresh are going to win the day today, I tell you what. 

  KOR: You possess the Beanochron! 

  PLECK: Yes! 

  KOR: [gradually losing fearfulness] Which to your knowledge is the most powerful Legumichron in this room!

  PLECK: Exactly. Wait, sorry. Uh—Sorry, what's a Legumichron? 

  KOR: [smugly] Well, I only mean to remind you of what I'm sure you've already learned. That the Beanochron is but one part of the Bean Force!

  C-53: The Bean Force? 

  AJ: What?

  KOR: The Bean Force, the assembled nine Legumichrons of legend. 

  DAR: Oh, okay. 

  PLECK: [laughing nervously] Oh. Oh, no. 

  KOR: So if I were to, say, have already collected all eight of the remaining Bean Force and used Horsehat's blood to activate them!

  DAR: What!? 

  PLECK: Oh, no. 

  AJ: Whoa!

  KOR: Then you would certainly say… [draws Dinglehopper, humming ominously] I was more than a match for you. 

  [Kor slashes a crackling portal into the air!]

  [Pleckian whimpers of fear and confusion]

  [Out flies the Bean Force, fully assembled!]

  KOR: [screaming] Come forth, Soybeanochron!

  SOYBEANOCHRON: Hello! 

  KOR: Stringbeanochron! 

  STRINGBEANOCHRON: Stringbeanochron love one-dimensional particles! [farts]

  KOR: Chickpeanocron!

  GARBANZOLOR: Please, call me Garbanzolor! [farts]

  KOR: Favagrava! 

  FAVAGRAVA: Favagrava hearts mass and energy. 

  KOR: Peanutrix!

  AJ: Is that a swear word? 

  KOR: Another Peanutrix because you get two in the same shell!

  PEANUTRIX 1: Hello!

  PEANUTRIX 2: Peanutrix go insane!

  PEANUTRIX 1: Other Peanutrix go insane! [farts]

  KOR: Lenticular!

  PLECK: Oh no…

  LENTICULAR: Lenticular see everything!

  KOR: [menacingly] And Beanie Baby! 

  BEANIE BABY: [screams] 

  [Kor and the Bean Force slowly grow in power and crackle with energy]

  AJ: Guys, this is… a tweest. Right? We thought there was one powerful…

  DAR: Yeah, no, we all thought—we all—

  PLECK: Yes. Yes, AJ…

  EVIL DAR: Ohhh... oohoohoohoo… You are all going to laugh. [laughing]

  PLECK: Evil Dar, what's up? 

  EVIL DAR: [laughing] I just put together that the Bean Force… is a lot like the slightly warm bean that you all refer to as Beano. 

  PLECK: [angry] You knew about the Bean Force, Dar? 

  EVIL DAR: [slowly] Yes… 

  PLECK: [shouting] Evil Dar! 

  NERMUT: Evil Dar, you could’ve told us about all this?

  PLECK: This would have been super useful to us!

  AJ: Should we call Evil Dar… Dumb Dar? 

  EVIL DAR: To be honest, he talks a lot about his plans, so sometimes I just tune him out, so—

  DAR: Wow. I really underdelivered. 

  NERMUT: No, Good Dar, you—

  PLECK: Good Dar, you didn't do anything wrong. 

  DAR: No. You can't be mad at one of us. You have to be mad at both of us. 

  PLECK: Is that true?

  [Scram runs up to the assembled Kor and the Bean Force]

  SCRAM: [chuckling] Their foolishness is laughable, sire. 

  KOR: [laughing] Ohhh, yes! Scram! Scram, can you believe this? These guys are all up here with one Beanochron. 

  PLECK: Who is this? Who is this guy!?

  NERMUT: [shouting over the energy] Who is this turtle?

  KOR: This is my executive assistant Scram! Scram is the reason that I was able to collect all of the [reverbing] 118 Gems of Elementia! [Kor swirls the gems around himself] By which I can control the very molecular structure of the universe! 

  AJ: Wait. Hold on. What? Like, what?

  C-53: 118 gems? 

  PLECK: That seems like a lot. We haven't even…

  C-53: That’s so many! 

  AJ: [confused] This is different from the Bean Force, or the same—? 

  KOR: No, the Bean Force controls time and space. 

  C-53: Okay. Yes. 

  KOR: The Gems of Elementia control the elements themselves, all 118 elements. 

  EVIL DAR: [agreeing] All 118 elements. 

  PLECK: [mad] Evil Dar! You knew about this too!?

  AJ/NERMUT: Oh…/Come on…

  DAR: Dar!

  EVIL DAR: I know, Dar. I…

  C-53: You gotta step up a little bit here, Evil Dar. 

  NERMUT: You said you love Pleck! 

  PLECK: Yeah! You told me you love me! 

  EVIL DAR: [uncomfortably] Mmmmm…

  PLECK: Hold on. Everybody just hold on a second! Hold on. Listen. 

  C-53/NERMUT: Okay. All right./Okay.

  PLECK: Kor Balevore, you're not going to c-c-confuse us with a bunch of lore we haven't heard about yet. We've got Beano and that's what matters. Okay? Beano and freshness are on our side! 

  KOR: Well, of cour—okay, I assume that you came here with only one member of the Bean Force and not a single gem because you must have all ten of the Orbs of Thraykis. 

  AJ/NERMUT: Eugh…/Uh…

  KOR: [shouting] How many Thraykis Orbs do you have? 

  C-53: Thraykis Orbs? 

  AJ: [flexing] I got one here and I got one—

  PLECK: No, I don’t think—I don’t—

  AJ: I got two orbs for you right now!

  C-53: That’s definitely not—

  PLECK: No, I don’t think that’s true. 

  AJ: Left orb and right orb!

  PLECK: First of all, Kor, I should ask you, what are the chances that we sort of accidentally have an orb of Thraykis? 

  KOR: I mean, if you want to run back to the ship and check, maybe there's one bangin’ around in there. But it seems like—

  NERMUT: She left, she… left. 

  KOR: Okay. 

  PLECK: Yeah, she's got—she actually got an invite to the Boboscars, so… 

  KOR: Oh, good for her! 

  SCRAM: [laughing] They have not a single orb, master!

  KOR: Which of the Elemental Beacons of Promethea did you speak to? 

  AJ/C-53: Wait, what?/Wow. Uh…

  PLECK: [laughing] That can’t be right… Listen—no, Kor— 

  C-53: Not only have we never been to Promethea, I don't think we've even heard of any beacons. 

  PLECK: No, no. 

  KOR: [disappointed] I mean, the fact that you think Promethea is just one location is already a huge—

  C-53: Yikes. Not good.

  AJ: [confused] What? 

  C-53: Honestly, we are really back on our heels. 

  KOR: Well, if you had spoken to one of the beacons, you would know that, wouldn't you? 

  AJ: Wait, the beacons are people? 

  KOR: [screaming angrily] Yeah! Beacons are people, and Promethea is not just one place! Promethea is at all six corners of the universe!

  C-53: Oh boy.

  PLECK: [laughing] Hold on. Six corners? 

  KOR: Yes, the six corners of the universe. Wait, how many corners do you think the universe should have? 

  PLECK: I thought it was infinite. 

  NERMUT: [hesitant] Kor, should we go get some of that stuff and just zoom right back, or is it gonna—

  PLECK: Nermut…

  SCRAM: [laughing] They think they'll be able to leave, master!

  NERMUT: Oh, wait, the door that we came in…

  AJ: There's no door? Wha? 

  KOR: Yes… the door is no more. Now…

  AJ: No more door?

  KOR: No more—okay. [draws Dinglehopper] 

  AJ: What? 

  PLECK: Kor… I don't know much about orbs or—or Prometheus, Prometheor—

  AJ: Oh, boy. 

  KOR: [sheathes Dinglehopper out of sheer irritation] Promethe-a. 

  NERMUT: You've convinced him you don't know. 

  KOR: It's a six-directional liminality that contains the beacons.

  PLECK: I—you are—this is all—just honestly, save your breath. 

  KOR: [baffled] How long have you been living in this galaxy? I mean, forget the beacons. Just, like, even a couple of the Gems of Elementia. I feel kind of like—I feel crazy. You know what I mean? 

  PLECK: Yeah. 

  KOR: Because you guys have been a huge thorn in my side, and you don't know about one Orb of Thraykis. 

  C-53: Hmm.

  KOR: I'm not going to lie. I uh… I'm really hurt. 

  PLECK: What? 

  KOR: [wounded] I'm really hurt by what's happened here today. I've been—I've been busting my ass. Scram has been pulling 12-hour days. 

  SCRAM: Ooh, think nothing of it, master. It was all worth it!

  KOR: [angry] No, I know you think nothing of it because you are a rise-and-grind motherjucker, and I get that! 

  SCRAM: [pleased chuckling]

  KOR: But you shouldn't have to do that! Like, yes, Scram is my best friend, and I know that's weird to say because there's an employee-employer relationship here, but truly I would be lost without Scram, okay? And Scram skipped a family reunion to clone and, you know, double up and grab from time loops all of you, and you come here with your junk in your hands! I'm sorry to say it. 

  SCRAM: I missed out on timeless memories, which was extremely wack! [laughing]

  KOR: [evil laughter] 

  PLECK: If you had—but if you could travel through time, you could have just traveled back to the family reunion. 

  KOR: Well, that's the plan after crunch time is over. 

  PLECK: [sighs]

  KOR: I'll cut open a hole of time, and then we can go play cornhole with Scram's amazing family.

  [transition music]

  [Bargie is at the Boboscars. The crowd is applauding as the announcer introduces the next guests]

  ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage four-time Boboscar nominee Lucky LaRue, and award presentation droid, Prezentotron 2500.

  LUCKY: Thank you. Thank you very much. Please sit down. [applause dies down] As every film goes, this one goes as well. 

  PREZENTOTRON: And sometimes they don't go at all if the budget isn't there. Pause for laughter. Pause for laughter. 

  [faint laughter from audience]

  LUCKY: Luckily, these films all went. 

  PREZENTOTRON: And nominees for best Juntawa language film are—

  ANNOUNCER: [over piano music] Juntawa, by Juntawa Juntawa. 

  [We cut to Bargie cutting her way through the crowd]

  INTERN: Yes, this way, Ms. Jade. Follow me. You're right here. [shines a light on Bargie’s seat]

  BARGIE: Now, Horsehat. 

  HORSEHAT: What? 

  BARGIE: Where we're sitting right now is actually very good. Usually they put the very, very, very important people in the front. 

  HORSEHAT: Oh!

  BARGIE: And as you can see, we're in the second row. 

  HORSEHAT: Wow! 

  INTERN: Well, you're in rows two through 95, and the mezzanine would have collapsed if we'd put you up there. 

  BARGIE: Thank you.

  HORSEHAT: Oh. Okay!

  FIRE LADY: [setting herself on fire] BURN, BABY, BURN!

  BARGIE: Hey! I didn't know you'd be here. You're looking hot tonight! 

  FIRE LADY: There can only be one winner in each category!

  BARGIE: Wow. 

  ANNOUNCER: —by Juntawa Juntawa. 

  PREZENTOTRON: Once we announce, I shall self-destruct. 

  LUCKY: Me too, if I don't get a drink.

  [slight audience laughter]

  PREZENTOTRON: Haha. Pause for laughter. Pause for laughter. 

  LUCKY: Ha. Thank you. Please sit. Yes, thank you. And the winner is—you open it. 

  [the two fumble with the envelope]

  BOTH: Juntawa! 

  [crowd applauds as Prezentotron 2500 explodes]

  JUNTAWA: Uh, juntawa juntawa, juntawa juntawa juntawa. Juntawa juntawa juntawa jun-juntawa. Juntawa, juntawa.

  [audience chuckles]

  JUNTAWA: Juntawa jun—[music begins playing Juntawa off, Juntawa rushes to finish speaking] Uh, juntawa juntawa juntawa juntawa juntawa! Juntawa—juntawa juntawa! Juntawa!

  ANNOUNCER: And now, please welcome to the stage, LeMore LaCrosse. 

  [audience applauds to uptempo music] 

  LEMORE: [lights a cigarette and slowly smokes it, speaking grimly] When my father LaCraine LaCrosse blazed across the Holowood scene, there was a cost to it, to my family, my mother, myself. But he was a legend, so he got away with a lot of behavior that a lot of people wouldn't. [slowly puts out cigarette] And that’s the cost of fame. The nominees for Best Animated Short are—

  [music plays] 

  ANNOUNCER: Toot Toot Goes the Boat, Little Blimpie’s Wild Ride, High Seas With You and Me, Short Moana, Balloons.

  LEMORE: And the award goes to—[opens envelope] I'm fine now, I’m in— I've gotten help. The award goes to… Balloons. 

  [uptempo music, audience roars] 

  BALLOONS GUY: [in a French-ish accent] First of all, I want to thank the Academy for this Boboscar win. Uh, when we set out to make—

  GUY: [shouting from audience] Hey, balloons guy! Juck my nuts! 

  [audience gasps]

  BALLOONS GUY: When we started to make Balloons—

  GUY: Short Moana all the way!

  BALLOONS GUY: We wrote balloons with one goal, which is—

  GUY: These nuts ain't getting any juckeder, my man!

  [music plays Balloons Guy off]

  BALLOONS GUY: Well. It seems this heckler has ruined the most important night of my life, so I will say thank you and good night. 

  ANNOUNCER: And now, please welcome… Little Bill. 

  LITTLE BILL: [over the sound of beeping monitors] Hello. I'm Little Bill, and I'm terminally ill. Sure, the cinema is entertainment, but it's also a powerful tool for illuminating important social issues. The nominees for Best Product Placement in a Feature-Length Documentary are—

  ANNOUNCER: Colds-de-sac Brand Cold Packs in A Bothersome Fact. 

  INTERN: [quietly] Uh, Miss Jade, Miss Jade. ‘Scuse me, I’m sorry—

  BARGIE: Yeah? What? 

  INTERN: ‘Scuse me, ‘scuse me. It's almost time. Come with us backstage. 

  BARGIE: Time for what? 

  INTERN: It’s time for the presentation. 

  BARGIE: There’s a… Oh, wow. Okay. Okay! Okay!

  [Bargie takes off and moves forward]

  INTERN: Right this way. Excuse me, excuse me, the Bargarean Jade is coming through. 

  BARGIE: Thought I would just be in the audience, but there’s something for me! Oh, I should reveal more of my hull! Hold on. I'm just going to rip this dress a little. [ripping] 

  [a couple audience members make surprised sounds]

  BARGIE: What—who knew—I knew something was going to happen. I knew something was going to happen!

  AUDIENCE MEMBER: [offended] Well I never!

  FIRE LADY: Down in front! 

  AUDIENCE MEMBER: Juntawa! 

  BARGIE: Sorry.

  AUDIENCE PERVERT: I like being inconvenienced…. 

  MICHELLE: Where's the shrimp!? 

  ANNOUNCER: Do They Even Know it's X-Marse? 

  LITTLE BILL: And the winner is… Bebops, in The Child Dentist of—

  [audience roars]

  BEBOPS: [screaming into mic] JUCK YEAH! YEAH!

  [transition]

  KOR: Well, Pleck, you and your friends certainly are disappointments. 

  PLECK: Okay. Rude.

  KOR: But, you know, just to try to kind of pick up the pieces here a little bit, because I do want this to be sort of climactic. [menacingly] Uh, perhaps your only hope is to kill me…

  PLECK: What?

  KOR: —Pleck Decksetter. 

  PLECK: Yes!

  KOR: For I know it is very likely that you have already destroyed all of the Wacktifacts containing shards of my soul. 

  AJ: [whispering] Wacktifacts…

  C-53: [quietly] Wacktifacts?

  PLECK: Uh… eh, sorry—Wack… Uh, yes. Yes, the Wacktifacts. 

  KOR: How do you—

  PLECK: Yes. 

  KOR: Okay, how many—Just tell me straight up, because I didn't say the number yet. How many Wacktifacts are there? 

  PLECK: There are—

  AJ: One. Oh, wait. No, you said plural. So it's more than one. 

  PLECK: AJ! Just hold on. 

  [barely contained laughter]

  PLECK: The Wacktifacts containing shards of your soul, obviously there are… [hesitating] 18 of them. So you better watch out. 

  NERMUT: [muttering] Wow, if this is right…

  KOR: How… How would that even work, to have 18 Wacktifacts? 

  AJ: Come on, Papa. 

  KOR: How would that even work? 

  AJ: One. I'm still sticking to one. 

  PLECK: [laughing] AJ, it’s definitely not one. 

  C-53: It was plural, AJ, so it’s gotta be—

  NERMUT: [whispering] Hey, hey, guys, this probably sounds bad, but at a certain point, does Kor deserve to win? Like—

  C-53: Nermut, wow.

  PLECK: Nermut, I hate to say this. I sort of think maybe he's already won. 

  SCRAM: [laughing] Master, they don't even realize that they still have a chance because all of them are together!

  PLECK: [laughing] Hold on—

  KOR: Scram! 

  PLECK: Scram, wow.

  KOR: Thank you for pointing that out to me. 

  PLECK: Yeah, thank you, Scram. That actually sounded pretty important. 

  AJ: Yeah, it helps.

  NERMUT: [excited] I have a chance with both Dars?

  [one of the Dars laughs]

  PLECK: That's not what—that’s definitely not what—

  KOR: [angrily drawing the Dinglehopper] Look here, you interloping vexations, you intergalactic nuisances!

  AJ: Thank you.

  KOR: Despite your complete and utter, and frankly disrespectful, lack of preparation, prophecies have foretold your coming. And the destruction of the Allwheat [screams towards Pleck] by YOUR hands cannot be ignored. Though you align the forces of freshness that have conspired to bring you together in opposition to [echoing] me and my terrible [screaming as lightning strikes] WACKNESS! You are still and always shall be a threat. [angrily] Though my great and terrible wackness has not yet seen to your demise, there is a greater wackness still. The wackness that lurks so obviously and clearly within your own veins!

  [Kor points the crackling Dinglehopper at the crew]

  C-53: That seems like a stretch.

  NERMUT: I know you said “obvious,” but say it one more time?

  PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, we don’t have to—

  KOR: No, no, follow me through. [screaming and gathering energy] Let you be rent asunder by your own rudeness, belligerence, unkindness, thoughtlessness, all the forces of being not that good to be around! And I CAST YOU FORTH! [slashes portals under the crew] Unto your NEMESES!

  CREW: [wavery screaming as they fall into the portals]

  [everything gets a little quieter]

  SCRAM: [evil chuckle] Excellent casting, master!

  KOR: Thank you. You know, it's like—it's up to you to make sure that you're having a good time, right? 

  SCRAM: Yes, you can't rely on others to rise to your level!

  KOR: No, exactly! And actually that's sort of what my therapist has been saying. 

  JUSTIN: [opening door of bathroom] Ew, this planet is literally so hot! What did I miss?  

  KOR: You… 

  JUSTIN: Oh, hey Kor! 

  KOR: Hey, Justin, how's it been? Good to see you. NEMESIS TIME! [Kor slashes another portal under Justin]

  JUSTIN: What!?

  [metal music]

  SINGER: KOR BALEVORE!

  [Mymut opens the door to the room Kor is in, speaking with Evil C-53] 

  MYMUT: Honestly, I think the food is actually getting better. On Tuesday, they were—

  KOR: You—Memut! What are you doing here?!

  EVIL C-53: Oh, we were just coming back from the cafeteria…

  MYMUT: Yeah, ate a Gurp…

  KOR: [frustrated] You guys, I just sent them to the nemeses’ rooms. 

  EVIL C-53: Oh, boy. Okay.

  KOR: [irritated] They're literally—no, hold on. It’s all jucked up. Okay. [slashes portal in air] All right. There's a portal to ten minutes ago. Go take your trays and please put them in the actual bins where the trays are supposed to go. Don't just leave them on the table—it’s not—there’s—the kitchen staff are busy enough. 

  EVIL C-53: Do you mind if I probe you about something? Wouldn't it be wacker if we just left the trays on the table? 

  KOR: [screaming and grabbing Evil C-53] Wouldn't it be wack if I crush your circuitry?! 

  [Evil C-53 choking, glitching]

  KOR: Yeah, that's what I thought, all right? I don't come to you and tell you about how to be a bucket of bolts with a bunch of frayed wires hanging out your—your ass, okay?! So don't come and talk to me about wackness!

  EVIL C-53: [choking] Yes, Master. 

  MYMUT: Just to be clear, we go back to the cafeteria just in this normal timeline, and then go through the portal? 

  KOR: No, go through the portal and bring—No, but if you bring your trays… 

  MYMUT: Trays. 

  KOR: To 15 minutes ago, the trays both—they will exist from now. Okay, here's what you have to do. 

  MYMUT: I think we'll get to the bottom of this. 

  KOR: Okay, no, so—hold on. Everyone shut up, shut up. Take your trays. 

  MYMUT: Yes. 

  KOR: Go 15 minutes ago. Go to the cafeteria. Tell you both to not put their trays in the bin. They have to bring their trays here. And that way there will be a 15-minute period where there is a quantum entangled quartet of trays. But then the trays will come here, and then go back. 

  EVIL C-53: Okay, but now you're sort of creating a situation where we have to be here inconveniencing you. 

  KOR: Look, that's not—ehhh, no. In the timeline you are going to create by going now, like 13 minutes ago, let's get a hustle, gang. 

  MYMUT: I'm just gonna put the tray back. I’m just gonna—

  KOR: [screaming] Don't you put the tray back in this timeline! I've already cut the portal open! 

  MYMUT: Okay!

  KOR: You go back with the tray!

  EVIL C-53: Okay! Alright!

  MYMUT: Okay.

  [metal music]

  NARRATOR: To be continued… on the next Mission to Zyxx!

  [outro music]

  C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 and Scram were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar and Evil Dar were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Justin Ballwheat were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Noel. Kor Balevore was played by special guest Brennan Lee Mulligan. Brennan is the creator and GM for Dimension 20 and a CollegeHumor cast member. He has taught and performed at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, co-created the webcomic Strong Female Protagonist, and written dozens of LARPs for The Wayfinder Experience summer camp in upstate New York. He recently started putting a little bit of cinnamon in his morning coffee, which he has described as, “a real game changer.” Riddlemaster Chad was played by special guest Michael Cruz Kayne. Michael is a Peabody and WGA winner, in addition to being an Emmy loser. He has appeared on CBS, NBC, HBO, HBO Max, Apple TV, and more as both a stand-up and an actor. Soybeanochron was played by Jesse Thorn. Stringbeanochron played by Molly Ringwald. Garbanzolor was played by Mike Birbiglia. Favagrava was played by Anna Faris. The Peanutrices were played by Ira Glass and Sarah Koenig. Lenticular was played by LeVar Burton. Beanie Baby was played by Jody Finn O'Connell. The proprietary Ronka Country Gentleman voice filter was played by Jonathan Lloyd. Boboscars crowd sounds by our Season Five Finale Spectacular live show audience. This episode was edited by Seth Lind. Sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. 

  [Promo: Depresh Mode]

  JOHN: Hey, it's John Moe. Join me on Depresh Mode for conversations on how mental health shapes our life. This week, David Sedaris with stories of his late father that he's finally willing to tell. 

  DAVID: I think there's a difference between, you know, a good person and a good character. Like, he was a good character, my boyfriend Hugh. My father was another one of those people. He was a really good character. But he wasn't a good person. 

  JOHN: Depresh Mode with John Moe, wherever you get your podcasts. 

  [Promo: My Brother, My Brother, and Me]

  JESSE: Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have a special announcement. I'm no longer embarrassed by My Brother, My Brother, and Me. You know, for years, each new episode of this supposed advice show was a fresh insult. A depraved jumble of erection jokes, ghost humor, and frankly, this is for the best, very little actionable advice. But now, as they enter their twilight years, I'm as surprised as anyone to admit that it's gotten kind of good. Justin, Travis, and Griffin's witticisms are more refined, like a humor column in a fancy magazine. And they hardly ever say "bazinga" anymore. So, after you've completely finished listening to every single one of all of our other shows, why not join the McElroy Brothers every week for My Brother, My Brother, and Me?

  MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. 

  [outtakes begin]

  ALDEN: Okay, fine, so we have a map to Chad's planet. We've already been there. We've already found Beano. Beano's not there anymore. 

  JEREMY: …Or is he?

  ALLIE: I hate to play audience surrogate here, but could you catch up old Dar Dar? Just, you know, what's a Chad? Where are we going? 

  ALDEN: Dar, I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, if you—. 

  ALLIE: Listen. I don't know why anyone would join in at this juncture, I mean, but—

  ALDEN: Yeah, I gotta say, Dar, if you're not on board at this point—

  ALLIE: [laughs]

  ALDEN: I feel like you don't really—I feel like there's almost nothing we can do to get you on board.

  JEREMY: Yeah, maybe you just shouldn’t—

  ALLIE: Go back! Yeah, go back. 

  JEREMY: Yeah.

  SETH: Yeah.

  ALDEN: Just go back. 

  [second outtake

  IRA: “Stringbeanochron—Stringbeanochron love one dimension.” I think—I think I'm really much better on the Peanutrix. I think that just as a performer, it speaks more to kind of who I am. But I'm going to give you another take of Stringbeanochron just in case you need it. Even though I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I just—I don't understand the part from inside. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just… I don't know. I mean, yeah. Okay, let me just try again. Since obviously I'm not somebody… [long pause] in fact, I would say I'm somebody who's against one dimensional particles. I'm pretty much against them, and so to play someone who wuvs them… I don't know. I mean, it's not typecasting, so I appreciate that. It's a stretch, is what I'm saying.