513: Déjà Two [ft. Jonathan Braylock]
The crew gets an unexpected visit from an old… friend? Pleck gets vindicated. Bargie makes five nermos. Nermut gets boxed in. Someone says “shrimp.”
-
NARRATOR: [crawl music] It is a time of great unease. The crew of the Bargarean Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant. But something is different. Wrong. Wack! [thunder strikes, music picks up tempo] Now, our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of freshness, and face down foes like they never imagined. On their final Mission… to Zyxx! [music swells]
[intro music, the crew is assembled on Bargie]
AJ: So, let me get this straight:
C-53: Yes, AJ.
AJ: The lizard is the leader of the galaxy?
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: We’re trying to figure it out, AJ…
DAR: AJ, we're all still trying to wrap our minds around this right now.
AJ: And Bargie, are you a director now, or what are you?
[Bargie closes her hatch]
BARGIE: Honestly, I don't know. I'm just checking all my voicemails. They were all uploaded when I came back to Zyxx. I have so many voicemails.
PLECK: Yeah, that's almost a cycle's worth of voicemails, Bargie.
BARGIE: Here's one from my son.
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
[plays voicemail]
TREEBOY: [chirping birds in background] Mom, where are you? You flew into this big flaming thing and then disappeared!
BARGIE: Next! Here’s another one-
[plays voicemail]
SCAMMER: We're calling you about your extended warranty.
BARGIE: Next!
PLECK: Yeah, don't listen to that one, Bargie, I think that one’s a scam…
[Bargie fast forwards]
BARGIE: There's finally one from someone called Todd.
[plays voicemail]
TODD: [romantic music playing] Bargie, I'm crazy about you, baby! Where have you been? I can't live without you, Barge!
BARGIE: Next. Anyway, I got so many. I have thousands of messages.
PLECK: Who is Todd?
AJ: Yeah, Todd.
BARGIE: Who isn't Todd?
PLECK: I don't think that question… works.
DAR: No, Bargie, I hear that. Who isn't Todd?
AJ: I mean, listen, I could talk about Bargie's voicemails for days, but...
[Nermut enters]
DAR: Oh.
PLECK: Nermut, what is that wrapped around your shoulders?
NERMUT: [plays with fabric] This? I'm pretty sure I always wear this.
DAR: No, you've never worn a flowy cape before.
PLECK: Nermut, did you wrap a napkin around your neck?
NERMUT: I don't know. I mean, I guess...
C-53:You don't know? You're saying the napkin fell there.
AJ: Hey, watch it! You're dealing with the leader of the galaxy here! Do you want me to take anybody out? [charges blaster]
PLECK: AJ…
NERMUT: I guess I woke up and decided to dress for the job I have.
PLECK: Nermut, listen, that's not you. Whoever that is is someone else.
AJ: [pushing aside crew] Don't crowd him. Don't crowd him! He's the leader of the galaxy.
NERMUT: AJ, you know, I'm going to need security. And I don't know why I have to-
DAR: Nermut, we are going to figure out what is going on here.
NERMUT: Yes.
DAR: And we're going to make this right.
PLECK: Yeah. Nermut, mark our words. We will remove Nermut Bundaloy from power.
NERMUT: Uh, I don't know if that's the exact thing.
AJ: And Bargie, we're going to get to inbox zero before this is all over.
BARGIE: I know. I'm on 708. It's a message from my old agent!
[plays voicemail]
LEXIMAR: Bargie, Leximar Pwench here. Where have you been? Let's do lunch! I'm not available, but I want to do lunch soon.
BARGIE: Alright, next!
[plays voicemail]
TODD: [shouting] Barge, where are you? I'm going MAD, Barge!
PLECK: It's Todd again. It's Todd!
TODD: Where have you been?
BARGIE: Ehhhh, next!
AJ: He seems nice.
DAR: Nermut, maybe in the meantime, you should change your name. You know, to avoid confusion.
NERMUT: [tranquil anger] Dar, how dare you.
DAR: Excuse me?
NERMUT: After my name was stolen by the Emperor?
PLECK: Listen, guys.
NERMUT: It's shameful.
PLECK: We'll get to the bottom of this at some point.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: I think we need to seek out, y’know, some people that we know. We need to figure out what the deal is in this galaxy.
C-53: Yeah, we need to figure out what's happened. What we're up against.
NERMUT: The vibes are bad.
AJ: Yeah, we know the vibes are bad.
C-53: Nermut, we know the vibes are bad. Okay? That's like saying we all like shrimp!
BARGIE: I like shrimp.
DAR: Everybody loves shrimp.
TWO: [muffled] Did somebody say shrimp?
PLECK: Wait…
BARGIE: I once dated a shrimp--
C-53: Wait, huh?
PLECK: What was that?
TWO: [falling out of closet] Did someone say shrimp? [brushes self off]
CREW: Oh!
PLECK: [surprised] Two?
DAR: Two?!
NERMUT: What?
TWO: [smugly] Let's just get something straight right off the bat. You all know exactly who I was. I don't care how many adventures you've been on since the last time you saw me. You will not forget.
PLECK: Two, I could never forget you. You tasked me with saving the entire Tellurian species.
TWO: Yeah.
PLECK: You made me smart. You made me stupid. You made me super old for a second. You put me on top of a huge obelisk that I had to carve into a reflective parabola to destroy an approaching asteroid!
C-53: See, I'm just remembering a lot of like shrimp related stuff. Like, he conjured a shrimp cocktail…
PLECK: Yeah, what was the shrimp? No, what was the shrimp? There was a whole shrimp. There was a whole shrimp.
NERMUT: Last time he arrived and said the exact same thing. Did someone say shrimp?
AJ: Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Who is this guy?
TWO: [condescending] My name is Two. I am a part of the Singularity. We are beings that have so much power your tiny little brain couldn't possibly comprehend. All you need to know is that when I am here, you do as I say.
PLECK: From personal experience, I can confirm that's true.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: Or what, I guess is my, like, I'll do as you say.
NERMUT: He removed Pleck's arms and legs temporarily.
PLECK: And put them on Beano.
C-53: Yeah, it was upsetting.
TWO: Maybe something like… this! [throws smoke bomb]
AJ: Oh!
DAR: Oh. [coughing]
[Bargie’s fire alarm blares]
AJ: It's smoke and… flash.
DAR: That's right. The ventilation is not great here. You should not, you shouldn't do those things.
AJ: What do you do?
PLECK: AJ, Two is one of the most powerful beings we've ever interacted with.
C-53: Yeah, AJ, I mean-
PLECK: He can change reality at will. He puts entire species through rigorous tests to make sure they deserve to exist in the universe.
TWO: That's right.
C-53: AJ, if Pleck's had failed his test, the entire Tellurian race would have been eradicated from the universe.
AJ: [aside] Wow, it totally feels like something he would have failed though, right?
C-53: Yeah, honestly, it's kind of amazing he pulled it off…
PLECK: Against all odds, I succeeded.
TWO: I need all of you to follow me into the other room.
AJ: Okay…
PLECK: Uh, okay.
C-53: Um…
NERMUT: AJ, he just… he magically transported himself to the ship. Can you believe that?
PLECK: Well, he transported himself into the closet and then sort of busted out of the closet.
C-53: Sort of more dramatic last time.
TWO: [unzipping bag] Oh, oh, oh, oh, actually, before you enter this room, just give me like five minutes. [Two closes the door]
AJ: Give him five minutes? Did his magic take like five minutes?
C-53: Wait, wait, Two.
PLECK: [Pleck opens the door] You need this to give you five minutes?
TWO: [nervous] Yeah, I just need you to give me five minutes. I have a phone call to make to other people in the Singularity.
C-53: Surely the Singularity communicates outside of our perception of time and space.
TWO: Well, I was using the term phone call for all of you to--
DAR: For our benefit.
C-53: Okay, all right.
NERMUT: If you're calling Todd, just tell him Bargie's not interested.
BARGIE: I'm not interested!
C-53: I doubt he's calling Todd.
[The crew closes the door]
PLECK: Think about what mind-bending, reality-altering shenanigans he's pulling in there!
AJ: That was just a poof of smoke, though.
DAR: I was more curious if one of us hadn't said shrimp, how long would he have been in the storage room for?
C-53: The other question is why is he still harping on the shrimp thing?
PLECK: Was one of his powers…
AJ: What’s the deal with the shrimp? What are you guys even talking about?
PLECK: What was it about the shrimp?
TWO: [shouting] Not shrimp related! Total coincidence!
AJ: Just to be clear, was the first time he visited, was he like kind of just kind of come out of the closet?
C-53: No, he just kind of appeared-
PLECK: No, he just sort of appeared and disappeared.
AJ: Well, that seems impressive.
NERMUT: He had a cloak that looked like a star field.
C-53: Yeah, also what happened to his cloak? It looks just like a regular cloak that you'd get at like a second-hand store.
NERMUT: [offended] Okay, a lot of dissing cloaks!
[Two opens the door]
PLECK: Two!
BARGIE: Also, did the toilet just flush?
TWO: What? No. I have your tests ready.
C-53: Oh, okay.
AJ: Wait, so we just test? What's the deal?
C-53: AJ, you've got to keep up just a little bit.
AJ: I mean, this feels like a lot…
PLECK: AJ, all you need to know is that you cannot cross Two. He will ruin your entire life!
TWO: [angry] I asked you to come into the room!
PLECK: Yes, yes, come on.
TWO: You want me to snap my fingers!?
PLECK: [frantic] No, no, no, no, no, no!
C-53: Two, we don't. We're coming in.
[The crew enters]
PLECK: Oh, wow, look at all these pulleys.
C-53: Okay, yeah, a lot of cranks here. Some marbles on little ramps…
TWO: [pulls out marble dramatically] If you are able to get this marble to the end of that maze, I will let this entire ship live. But if you don't--
BARGIE: What?
TWO: [laughing] You heard me, Bargie. If you don't, I will incinerate you and all of the entities that live inside of it.
[Dar picks up the marble]
AJ: Oh, Dar’s just picking up the marble.
C-53: Yeah, is that legal, too? Can they just pick up the marble and put it over there?
TWO: Damn it, I didn't think of that…
DAR: Done.
[Dar deposits the marble and a celebratory horn plays]
TWO: All right. Okay, everybody out, everybody out! I need another five- [Two throws another smoke bomb and Bargie’s fire alarm blares]
NERMUT: Nice job, Dar! You nailed it.
C-53: I guess we-
AJ: Okay, we got to get out. He's going to snap his fingers. We got to go.
C-53: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay.
PLECK: At the risk of bringing your scorn upon us… What is happening? What are you testing us for? Anything you need, we'll do it. I just want to know what's happening.
TWO: Something has happened to this galaxy. A galaxy that I manage. Thanks to all of you, the vibes are off. Okay?
NERMUT: Wait, it's our fault?
TWO: If you don't complete these tasks, I will know that you are not ready to restore this galaxy to its rightful place. And your punishment will be death. [phone rings] Oh, hold on. [answers]
AJ: He has a cell… he has a cell phone? It's like an old flip phone.
BOSS: Richard, Richard, you're 20 minutes late for your shift.
TWO: [unconvincing] Oh, yeah, I'm sick. You know, I won't be in for the next couple of days. [coughs]
BOSS: Hey, these funkel cakes are going to make themselves, Richard!
TWO: Well, you don't want me in there. I'll get everybody sick. [coughs]
BOSS: Oh, that sounds terrible.
TWO: Yeah, it's really bad. I got it, I don't know, from some Pelorian.
BOSS: Wow, oh, boy, a Pelorian? Been there. Take all the time you need.
TWO: All right, thank you, bye. [hangs up]
C-53: Now, Two, I don't presume to know the goings on of the Singularity, but that was surely you faking sick from --
PLECK: [laughing] Some sort of job.
C-53: Some sort of job.
TWO: Oh, that was a test for that person. See, I run multiple tests at once now. I have elevated --
DAR: We heard every single part of it.
PLECK: Yeah, that guy sounded mad that you were late for work. Aren't you at work now? You're in the Singularity.
TWO: [nervous] There's a lot of complications to this, you know! He thinks that I'm working -- it's a long play, okay? It's a long play.
DAR: Okay, and the long play is --
TWO: [sighs and falls to ground, crying] I don't have my powers.
C-53: Okay, that explains a lot.
PLECK: What?!
BARGIE: Yeah, that makes sense.
TWO: My powers are gone!
PLECK: Then how did you appear in that closet and then break out of the closet when we talked about shrimp?
TWO: [sobbing] I was a stowaway!
PLECK: You were on the ship the whole time?
TWO: Yes, I saw you at the ShipStop, and I snuck on board. I just thought that – [stands up] I need your help, okay?
PLECK: Whoa, really?
BARGIE: Also, he was like, hey, if I pay you five Nermos, can I just hang out inside of you? And I was like, whatever.
C-53: Bargie, you knew he paid you to get on the ship and you didn't mention that?
PLECK: [baffled] You KNEW he was here?!
BARGIE: Nobody asked.
NERMUT: We have to ask if there are stowaways who paid you?
PLECK: Yeah, does that mean -- should we just be asking all the time if there are stowaways?
BARGIE: Yeah. There's currently three stowaways.
PLECK: [shouting] WHAT?
C-53: Three?
NERMUT: Two, and who else?
C-53: Well, there's Two and then two.
DAR: This is a real math problem.
PLECK: Two plus two is three.
[Nermut pulls out a calculator and starts typing]
DAR: There's three?
C-53: No, but two plus two would be --
TWO: Oh, my. I mean, I don't have my powers anymore, but this is a sad crew.
C-53: [offended] All right, Mr. No Powers!
TWO: Why did I hitch my lot to you all…
PLECK: [angry] Yeah, suddenly the shoe is on the other foot, isn't it?
C-53: Lotta attitude…
AJ: Wait, wait, so what I want to know is how did you make that marble thing?
PLECK: I think he sort of built this in the few minutes that we were hanging out.
TWO: Yeah, I'm actually really good with my hands.
AJ: Yeah, no, it's actually pretty good.
TWO: Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to get another job. It's a long story, okay? I've had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do without my powers. You guys don't understand how many people want to kill you [nervous laughter] when you put them in life and death situations and then have erased, you know, entire species of life forms.
PLECK: Yeah, I guess there are probably a lot of people that have --
C-53: Yeah, wait, Two, I never thought to ask this of you, but I know Tellurians survived. How many races did you eliminate?
TWO: Um… Let's see. [counting slowly]
C-53: Oh, this is already much higher than I --
TWO: There were Zactoids. There were the Lochmas, which, I mean, they were made out of lava. They just moved around on this planet.
PLECK: That sounds cool.
TWO: They, like, formed into rock.
C-53: That sounds honestly super rad.
TWO: Yeah, but they never did anything. And, you know-
C-53: [upset] Yeah, but maybe they can just hang out!
TWO: -just in the Singularity, we're very much about production. You know, you got to keep it up. You got to keep up the evolution, and if you don't– [snap]
PLECK: Wow.
TWO: That snapping is me erasing the Lochmas from existence.
AJ: How did you lose your powers?
TWO: [condescending] Oh, how did I lose my powers? What a great question.
AJ: Oh, awesome!
NERMUT: Why is he getting so close to Pleck?
TWO: Hey, you. Yeah! You were supposed to save the galaxy.
PLECK: Yeah, I know. I know that.
DAR: Really?
TWO: Yeah.
PLECK: [offended] Yes. Dar, haven't you been paying attention? That's been true this whole time!
DAR: I mean, I've heard it a couple of times. I just never thought -- I never thought anyone but you believed that.
AJ: I mean, I kinda thought, like, it’d be nice if he did.
PLECK: [upset] Wow. My own noob. My own noob!
AJ: Sorry. I mean, I think we're all thinking it.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay, okay. So, okay, just show of hands, who thought that I was maybe going to save the galaxy? Who thought it would even be a remote possibility? [raises hand] Oh, wow, me and Two, only people raising our hands. Thank you so much.
BARGIE: One of the other stowaways is also --
PLECK: [shouts] Well, show yourself! You know, I just feel like I thought -- I thought it was bad. I didn't think it was this bad, you know?
TWO: And to be clear, I also didn't think you were going to save the galaxy, but, you know, Beano really tasked me –
PLECK: Wait, Beano? Beano was the one who told you to test us?
TWO: [baffled] Wait, did you -- was that not revealed to you at some point?
C-53: We never really got a lot of information from Beano.
TWO: Beano is the key to the entire Singularity, we…
BARGIE: Yeah, Beano pitched that as one of the episodes of Beano and Bargie, but I didn't really understand it.
TWO: [angry] You have been disrespecting Beano this entire time… I let him down. And now, he’s gone…
PLECK: Look, Two, we all loved Beano. He saved our lives several times, and we would have done anything for him, but --
TWO: Oh, really--then- then why is Beano not here? [shouting] Why is Beano not here, PLECK?!
[Two smacks Pleck]
PLECK: Ah! He was inside the Allwheat. He was the Allwheat! He turned into this huge, muscular --
NERMUT: Very sexy.
PLECK: I mean-
TWO: Yeah, his true form.
PLECK: Hot, hot bean, and he saved us. He's the reason we got transported to another galaxy.
TWO: And you came back without him?
C-53: I don't know that we left with him, you know? Like, it was hard to say what happened in the aftermath of the Allwheat.
AJ: I think he's always been in our hearts.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, certainly.
TWO: Oh. It's always been in your hear- [screaming] I'm gonna kill you!! Get over here!
CREW: [chaos ensues]
AJ: Hey! [grabs Two]
TWO: [shouting] YOU STUPID!
NERMUT: Stop punching him in the shoulder so hard!
TWO: Oh, if I could only snap my – [snapping] why doesn’t this WORK!
AJ: [grabbing him] Stop snapping yourself! Stop snapping yourself!
C-53: AJ, come on.
PLECK: AJ, AJ, AJ-
AJ: What? He doesn’t have powers anymore, what am I supposed to do?
NERMUT: You’re making him snap his fingers!
PLECK: Just because he doesn’t have POWERS doesn’t mean we have to be mean to him!
TWO: [Crying]
PLECK: AJ, look. Look what you did.
C-53: You feel good about that, AJ? You feel good about that?
AJ: Nah…
[Justin enters groggily]
JUSTIN: What are you guys yelling about?
PLECK: Hey, Justin.
C-53: Hey, Justin.
JUSTIN: Wha? What did I miss? Everyone, keep it down. I'm trying to slaehp!
AJ: Trying to what?
PLECK: Trying to what?
JUSTIN: I'm trying to slaehp.
C-53: That's probably for the best, Justin.
AJ: Wait, what? What are you trying to do? Slap?
NERMUT: I assume it's sleep, but it's --
PLECK: Justin…
NERMUT: -very generously…
PLECK: Justin, it's like 1.30 in the afternoon. What were you doing?
JUSTIN: See you later, Two.
TWO: Oh, see you, Justin.
AJ: Wait, hold on.
C-53: [laughing] Wait, wait a minute.
JUSTIN: What?
C-53: How do you two know each other?
TWO: What are you talking about? I know everybody in this galaxy.
DAR: How?
TWO: How?!
PLECK: But how does he know you?
JUSTIN: [angry] I have friends, Pleck. Wow-a! You're so lame. I'm going back to bahd.
AJ: To where?
PLECK: To sleep?
[transition to a crowded and raucous Pump Up The Justice shoot]
QUAID: [dramatic] And I ask you, in the end, isn't embezzlement just another word for love?
HASTOOIE: Wow. Who would objep to that?
QUAID: The defense rests for this part.
PA: Okay, we're going to commercial in 5, 4, 3 --
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PA: Checking with the execs.
EXEC: [beat, speaks into mic] Yeah it’s fine.
PA: Okay, you're good.
QUAID: Thank you.
HASTOOIE: We are back from halftime, ladies and gentlemen. Here on Pump Up the Justice, honorable Hastooie Winko, presi-
[transition]
AJ: I have a question, or just kind of more of a comment. It's not really a question, more of a comment.
PLECK: [exasperated] Ugh.
AJ: So, the fact that you're in charge of the galaxy, and now that you have no power, that is… bad, right?
NERMUT: I don't… wouldn’t say it's bad. I mean, I'm excited.
PLECK: [annoyed] Not you, Nermut.
TWO: Wouldn’t say it’s ba-Nermut, it is bad! What are you talking about? [grabs Nermut and shakes him] You want the random chaos of the galaxy to be the law of the land?
NERMUT: [snoring]
TWO: Oh, he's asleep.
C-53: Yeah, he'll fall asleep if you turn him upside down.
TWO: Sorry, I’ll just put him in there. [sets Nermut down gingerly] Listen, okay, if chaos rules, all of this is going to go away, all right?
PLECK: Wait, what do you mean chaos?
TWO: Listen, the Singularity's job is to maintain order in the galaxy, all right? The universe is a dumb, chaotic place, and if we didn't do this job, none of you would even be here, okay? We take care of temporal anomalies, rogue species, time shifts, time warps, okay?
AJ: What about nosebleeds? 'Cause I get nosebleeds when we do time stuff.
DAR: AJ, I don't think that's what he's talking about.
AJ: Okay, okay.
C-53: AJ, I think Two is saying that without his powers, you know, nefarious forces might disrupt our reality without any repercussions.
TWO: Exactly.
NERMUT: [yawns] Ooh, good nap. Hi, what’d I miss?
PLECK: Welcome back, Nermut.
NERMUT: Thank you.
AJ: Were you slaehping?
NERMUT: I was aslaehp.
AJ: Okay, so you're saying it was Papa's fault that you lost your powers.
PLECK: Okay. Alright.
AJ: Understandable, but when did this happen?
TWO: When the Allwheat exploded, okay? [sadly] And I know that when that happened, we lost Beano.
PLECK: Wow.
TWO: You let him die! And I lost my powers.
PLECK: I mean…
AJ: Hasn't he died like a bunch, though?
PLECK: Yeah, well, it's hard to say.
C-53: Yeah, this death maybe felt a little more deathy.
TWO: [snapping] You see that?
PLECK: Yeah.
TWO: No energy happenin’ there! The only energy is sound.
PLECK: You know, Two, it was--
TWO: Just like, "Stupid."
PLECK: You have been snapping a lot.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: It's just-- Yeah, we believe that your powers are gone, man.
TWO: Okay, but I used to snap all the time. Now it doesn't do anything.
PLECK: Yeah, that's true.
BARGIE: It just turns on my lights and turns them off sometimes.
C-53: Not all the time…
PLECK: Yeah, I was going to say, can we just at least-- Yeah, Bargie, is that a function you can turn off? Because it's been--this has been a rough afternoon.
TWO: And look, you want to know what kind of shit goes down when a member of the Singularity isn't around to keep things in order? Check this out.
[Two plays a clip]
MYMUT: It's like I always say, back on the cliffs of Filem, I didn't have anyone to look out for you. Apart from my parents who are visible in the distance in their gated community, that's changed now under my reign. Reign? That seems strong. Maybe my first of many terms. Not that I won’t step down. I mean, if I--anyway.
[clip ends]
PLECK: Wow.
DAR: Yep, that's Nermut all right.
TWO: There's two Nermut Bundaloys now, okay?
C-53: So you're saying his existence is some kind of paradox.
TWO: I don't know. One of them is not supposed to be here. In order to restore balance, you need to kill… the wrong Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: What?
C-53: Okay, let’s…
NERMUT: [nervous] Wait, what? No, kill the right-
PLECK: How do we know which one is the wrong one?
AJ: Well, we’ll know, because it feels wrong.
TWO: I would kill both of them myself just to be sure.
C-53: Wow, okay. That seems--
NERMUT: Absolutely not.
BARGIE: That sounds logical.
NERMUT: Bargie..
C-53: Barge.
PLECK: Two… I don't know about this.
TWO: You'll know when I get my powers back, okay? I mean, we could kill this one right now, and if I get my powers back, you'll know.
CREW: [various “we are absolutely not killing Nermut” noises]
TWO: All right, I won’t, okay. Yeah, I mean, it's probably the one that's, you know, the leader of the galaxy.
C-53: That seems more like it.
NERMUT: You’ve narrowed it down…
TWO: But it could be… this one.
BARGIE: Sometimes.
TWO: All right. You sure you don't want to kill this one? Because we could do that.
NERMUT: Yes, I'm voting for everyone.
AJ: Just to be sure.
TWO: I mean, you don't get to vote. This guy doesn't get to vote.
DAR: That kind of sounds like--
PLECK: Yeah, that sounds like something the wrong Nermut Bundaloy would say to sort of save his own skin.
BARGIE: Sounds pretty evil to me.
NERMUT: Well, no, but so would the right one.
PLECK: Yeah, good point.
C-53: You got to try harder, buddy.
DAR: Everyone! We all know that this Nermut is not the evil one, right, buddy?
NERMUT: Yes, thank you.
C-53: Yeah, that's--
[Dar picks up Nermut]
DAR: But in the meantime, we will have to imprison you until we know for sure.
PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, we can't take any chances, but--
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: Yeah… Yeah, sorry.
C-53: We're going to put you in this shipping container here.
[Dar shoves Nermut into the container and latches it]
PLECK: We’ll put your Missionator in there, don't worry, you can assign us missions from there. You'll just call in to us on the bridge.
BARGIE: Put him in Justin's room!
NERMUT: Don't put the container in Justin's room. Please, please, please, please, please, please.
DAR: He needs a little responsibility.
[Dar puts the container in Justin’s room]
JUSTIN: So nice, you guys. Thank you so much.
PLECK: You know, Justin, having a lird is a big responsibility.
NERMUT: Justin, I-- don't tell anybody, but I won the election.
JUSTIN: What?
PLECK: Okay. All right. Have fun. Have fun in there.
NERMUT: I don't have-
[Pleck closes door]
DAR: See, and now I'm less confident that he's not the evil one, you know?
AJ: Mr. Shrimp Man, quick question from me, AJ. You say Beano gave you your powers, but he's a bean, so--
TWO: [doing card tricks] What? How do you not understand? Yeah, Beano is the source, OK?
PLECK: [awed] The source?
TWO: Beano is the source of the Singularity. Of my powers!
AJ: Well, was the source, right? Was the source.
PLECK: OK, that's-- AJ, yes.
C-53: Wow, AJ. What?
AJ: I'm just saying if it we–
C-53: That's pretty insensitive.
TWO: [grimly] If I could snap my fingers, I freaking would!
AJ: I mean, you can, right?
C-53: Technically, you can still snap the fingers.
TWO: Alright! You know what I meant.
C-53: Yeah, yeah.
TWO: [snapping fruitlessly, a dove flies]
DOVE: Hoot!
PLECK: Oh, but that dove was pretty cool. That dove sort of just came out of your sleeve.
TWO: Yeah, I feel like I had to pick up some magic tricks when I lost my powers, just in case some people came around and tried to mess with me, you know?
DAR: Or wanted to book you for a birthday party.
C-53: [laughing] You found magic tricks would end the altercation?
TWO: Yes, you know, sometimes when you pull a card out of a lemon, people freak out.
AJ: Wait, hold on.
PLECK: [laughing] I love that trick.
BARGIE: That's true. That's true. That's a fact.
AJ: [quietly] You can pull a card out of a lemon, man?
TWO: Oh, hold on one second. Just--
PLECK: AJ…
C-53: AJ, we don't have time for this.
AJ: Let him do it!
TWO: [shuffling]Let me just shuffle these cards. All right.
AJ: OK, yeah.
TWO: See this? Pick a card, any card.
AJ: OK, which one should I pick, you guys?
C-53: AJ, it doesn't matter.
PLECK: Any card.
AJ: [grabs card] OK, I'll pick this one. I'll pick this one.
TWO: All right, great.
AJ: [whispering] It's the nine of jewels.
TWO: Just shuffle them in here, and then-- oh, could you hold this lemon for me? Thank you. All right. Just get that, and then-- oh, let me have that lemon back. All right, oh, here we go. OK. All right, does anybody have a knife? [flicks out knife] It's OK, I have one! Oh, ha ha ha. Pulled it out of nowhere!
AJ: Wow, this is--
BARGIE: Came from his pocket…
TWO: All right, a couple of these lemons. [peeling] All right.
C-53: Yeah, I think we all saw that, Barge.
TWO: You see-- [shows card]
AJ: Ah, that was my card.
PLECK: Wow.
AJ: [surprised] Whoa.
C-53: Yeah, that's pretty--
TWO: Yeah.
PLECK: I feel like when I've seen that trick in the past, there was some context that gave sort of a reason for the lemon to be there, but you just kind of produced the lemon.
DAR: Yeah, there's a little bit of narrative that goes with magic.
AJ: It’s okay if he doesn’t have the patter! Why are you giving him such a hard time?
BARGIE: When life gives you lemons!
PLECK: Whoa.
DAR: Bargie, that's it. That's it. That's what's part of the trick! Yeah.
BARGIE: Yeah!
TWO: [annoyed] You're all done? You're all done with your little talk?
C-53: Honestly, we could keep going, but we’ll stop.
TWO: Because the universe is going to shit, all right?
PLECK: OK. Alright.
TWO: It's absolute chaos in this galaxy, and I don't even know what's happening anymore, because I don't have my powers. [snaps]
AJ: Yeah.
TWO: You need to fix it, because if you can't, no one can.
PLECK: Wow. OK.
TWO: [solemnly] Hey, can I ask you all a question?
PLECK: Sure.
TWO: You said you were in another galaxy.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
TWO: Was there somebody from the Singularity there?
PLECK: [hesitantly] Huh. Yeah, there wasn't any. We didn't meet anybody from the Singularity.
TWO: [horrified] Oh no.
PLECK: You're the only person from the Singularity we've ever met.
TWO: Ohhhhh.
BARGIE: A lot of single people and organisms, though.
AJ: That’s true! There were a lot of single people kind of ready to mingle, yeah.
PLECK: Hold on, hold on, hold on. [slowly] So you're saying if the Singularity-- if the person in, in the Themm galaxy–
TWO: Wow, Pleck, you're really not getting this here. Let me explain to you. Pretty simple.
PLECK: If the Singularity-
TWO: No, no, Pleck, I just-- it would really be a lot faster if I just said it myself.
AJ: Papa, don’t… Pleck, you’re embarrassing yourself.
C-53: Yeah, Pleck, maybe just let him…
PLECK: OK. When Beano disappeared, every member of the Singularity lost their powers, including--
TWO: There you go.
PLECK: [panicking] --the Singularity member from the Themm galaxy! This is bad! It's worse than we thought!
TWO: You're not just tasked to save the galaxy, Pleck. You're-- you're tasked to save the universe.
PLECK: What?
AJ: [dramatic] It's true. The Zimas, the prophecy, all of it, it's all true.
TWO: Yeah!
PLECK: Great, thank you, AJ.
TWO: Look, there has to be a balance between good and evil. The good was supposed to be you, Pleck, and yet you couldn't do it.
PLECK: I-- I-- - I still could. I could-- I'm still-- I'm back. I'm here now. I'm back now. Here.
C-53: Two, maybe Pleck's prophecy hasn't actually been fulfilled yet. There may still be time.
TWO: [considering] That is true.
PLECK: But how? Without Beano, what can I do?
TWO: This is the easiest way I can explain it. Beano exists outside of time and space, OK?
PLECK: OK.
TWO: If he's not here, there is no balance. And if there's no balance, there is no Beano. So if you fix one, you fix the other. You see what I'm saying?
PLECK: I-- I guess I just don't know how--
TWO: Well, picture-- picture scales, OK? You know what scales are, don't you, Pleck?
PLECK: Like on a lizard or musical scales?
TWO: [annoyed] No, I'm talking about a balance of scales! Damn.
PLECK: Oh, wow, a third one I haven't even considered, OK?
C-53: Wow.
PLECK: OK, now I’m picturi-now I’m picturing it.
TWO: [aside] You guys have been traveling space with him?
C-53: Yeah, it's a challenge.
AJ: It’s tough, it’s tough.
TWO: Yeah, OK. So if the scale is out of balance, you have to put a little bit of weight on one to balance out the other. So if you save the galaxy, you save Beano. And if you save Beano, you save the galaxy. See what I'm saying?
PLECK: [slowly] I do… not understand what you're saying.
TWO: Oh, my….
PLECK: I guess I just don't know how Beano--
TWO: [shouting] But Beano know! Beano know! And that's all that matters.
AJ: Oh, OK.
PLECK: [laughing] Thank you. OK, well, AJ gets it, so I guess–
AJ: Yeah, I got it now.
TWO: OK, great. So you could just explain it to him at a later point.
AJ: Papa…
PLECK: Please don't try to-- no.
AJ: Beano know? Do you not know what--
TWO: Yes. Yeah. So can we do-- can we do that? Can we just–
AJ: Let's do it. Just point me in the direction!
[AJ charges his blaster]
PLECK: OK, I don't think a blaster–
C-53: AJ, I don’t know…
AJ: Just show me where to shoot! [ejects butt gun] Let’s save the galaxy, let’s do this!
TWO: OK, I'm starting to like this guy.
PLECK: OK, yeah, I mean, he's definitely gung- He grows on you. He grows on you.
C-53: Yeah, against all odds, kinda everybody likes him.
PLECK: We didn't think we were going to like him either.
TWO: I really didn’t like him when I first got here. I didn't like his face. I didn't like the questions you were asking.
AJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
TWO: But, uh… [phone rings] Oh, shit. Hold on one second. Hold on. Hold on one second. Hello?
PHIL: Hey, it’s Phil.
TWO: Oh, hey, Phil. What? Why are you calling me?
PHIL: Can you bring back milk?
TWO: [irritated] OK, yeah, OK. Bye, Phil. Ah, my--
PLECK: You have a roommate?
TWO: No. Yeah, yeah, OK.
AJ: Is he pretty bad?
TWO: I can't afford my own room. I've never had to make money before. I don't even understand this concept. It's so barbaric!
PLECK: You know, Two, it seems like losing your powers has really tested you.
TWO: [quietly] Dammit. You're right. You got me, and I don't like how it feels. I don't–
PLECK: [laughing] I mean, tell that to the species you eradicated, because--
TWO: No, I can't. They're all gone. They're not here anymore.
PLECK: Yeah, erased from reality, right? Not just killed. They never existed.
TWO: That's right.
AJ: You keep saying we have to like bring balance back to the galaxy in order for you to get back your powers.
TWO: That's right.
AJ: Isn't the real reward just bringing balance back to the galaxy and finding Beano? I mean, like, isn't you getting your powers back kind of like a bonus? Like, wouldn't good winning over evil being kind of like the best thing to happen?
PLECK: Yeah, but AJ, you got to appreciate his perspective. He's a--
AJ: No, I’m seeing it from his perspective, but I'm also just kind of seeing it from our perspective, where it's like, isn't bringing balance kind of the big mission?
TWO: Um, AJ, pick a card. [shuffles deck]
AJ: Yes. OK, which one should I pick, you guys?
C-53: AJ, it doesn't matter which card you pick.
AJ: But it does sort of matter, because I want it to be the one that he picks. Do you know what I mean?
PLECK: Yeah, it's going to be the one that he picks.
C-53: It's going to be the one he picks.
AJ: Well, we don't know that. We don't know that. It depends on me. OK, I want to pick-- somebody tell me to stop.
PLECK: AJ, we all want you to stop.
AJ: OK, OK, OK, OK.
PLECK: We all want you to stop.
AJ: I'll pick this one. [grabs card]
TWO: All right, OK. And just look over there.
AJ: OK.
TWO: All right, now look in your pocket.
AJ: Pretty good patter… telling me to look over there?
TWO: OK. Look in your pocket?
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Two, you got to work on your patter, bud.
AJ: [GASPS] The card was in here.
TWO: It was in your pocket the whole time.
AJ: [impressed] That's crazy. It wasn't in my pocket, but then I looked away. Crazy that the magic happened when I looked away. That's a crazy power.
C-53: Yeah, that is crazy.
TWO: This was way too easy.
AJ: Are you sure you don't have your powers? Are you sure?
TWO: [tries to shuffle cards and flips them everywhere]
PLECK: Oh, OK. I'll get those. Don't worry. You don't have to pick them up. I'll get them.
AJ: You just snapped and threw them all on the ground.
PLECK: Yeah, I think that was a mistake. I'll get em, buddy.
[Justin exits his room]
JUSTIN: Oh, brother! Nermut keeps talking about being the galactic leader, and like, won’t let me slaahb!
AJ: I am worried about Justin. I think Justin might be low level depressed, because it's like mid-afternoon, and he's in bed.
C-53: Yeah, he's sleeping pretty late.
PLECK: Well, he's a teenager. I think it’s… teenager's bodies are weird.
JUSTIN: I don't like my new pet. My new pet sucks. I miss my parents, and I miss Centurion!
NERMUT: [muffled] If the bar is replacing your parents, no pet is going to be enough.
PLECK: Yeah, especially if the pet is Nermut.
NERMUT: I think that's asking too much of me.
AJ: Hey, Two, I don't know you very well, man.
TWO: Yeah.
AJ: But I want to promise you this. We will get your powers back. But before that, we will go get you some milk for your roommate.
TWO: Oh, really?
AJ: Yeah.
TWO: That would be really nice.
AJ: I mean, I don’t wanna–
PLECK: Yeah, at least we could--
TWO: Could you also give me a ride?
PLECK: Yeah, it’s the least we could do-
C-53: Yeah, if you're just hitching.
AJ: --we could drop you off and get you milk.
DAR: Yeah, milk first, then saving the universe.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: Which this time, definitely we’ll do right, you know, somehow.
PLECK: Yeah. Thank you, Dar.
TWO: OK. I would normally demand to come with you. But I do think one of you might die in the process of this. And I don't want that to be me. So I don't want to be on this ship.
C-53: Yeah, OK. Fair enough.
TWO: And one last thing. [slowly] Word of advice, don't trust each other always.
PLECK: Don't trust--
DAR: Tell me something I don't know.
PLECK: Does that mean never trust each other, or don't always trust each other?
TWO: Pleck. Pleck? Don’t trust each other always. Twodaloo! [lights smoke bomb and runs off blindly]
C-53: That's more confusing.
[Two smashes into something]
AJ: Oh, he just kinda crashed into a bunch of boxes. Yeah.
C-53: Two, you OK back there?
TWO: [pained] Yeah, this is just great. I like it.
C-53: It just looked like you hit your head pretty hard on the side of the--
TWO: No, no, no, no. It was a really cool entrance and an exit. So if you just–
C-53: OK.
AJ: Do you still want us to get the milk, or what?
TWO: Yeah, please. If you could just get the milk, I'm going to take a little nap.
C-53: If you hit it that hard, you probably shouldn't go to sleep, because there's a concussion risk.
TWO: No, it'll be fine. Just give me some napkins and–
AJ: Napkins?
C-53: That doesn't sound like enough. Here, why don't you take this?
[C-53 takes the napkin out of Nermut’s container]
NERMUT: Ah, that's my cloak.
C-53: I mean, it's a napkin, Nermut.
NERMUT: Well, it was my cloak. Before that was a napkin, and then it was a napkin again.
C-53: And to napkin-ness it returns.
[transition]
BLUE: What's going on, yellow trooper? [punching air] You've hardly touched your triple mocha frappe chai latte. You'll need lots of energy to operate the Torto’s left arm if that monster ever comes back!
YELLOW: I've been thinking, blue trooper. The monster was made out of ill-fitting jackets, out-of-style jeans, and old worn-out sneakers. What could it mean?
BLUE: The monster's stupid and it sucks. That's what it means, bro.
YELLOW: But what if, somehow, the monster reflected something we've been struggling with in our daily lives? Maybe it's time for the Torto Troopers to get a style upgrade!
BLUE: But between keeping the planet safe from magical growing monsters and keeping up with our schoolwork, how will we ever find the time?
YELLOW: Well, I've been doing some research, and it appears that there's a store that is somehow personalized to our sizes and styles. [pulls out computer and types]
BLUE: Impossible, bro.
YELLOW: Not if my calculations are correct. It's called Stitch Fix Freestyle, a shop built just for you, and also the rest of the Torto Troopers, and also everyone else!
BLUE: I'm too attractive to understand you!
YELLOW: Stitch Fix Freestyle is your trusted style destination where you can discover and instantly buy curated items based on your style, likes, and lifestyle.
BLUE: Like how I wear exclusively muscle tees and animal print board shorts. You wear overalls for some reason. And the grey trooper wears a button-down Oxford and sensible slacks!
YELLOW: Indeed. Whether you're looking for a brand you love or to try a new one, at Stitch Fix Freestyle, you can shop hundreds of brands personalized to your size and fit.
BLUE: Finally, a company that gets me, a popular, muscular, smoking hot male, in the prime of my life!
YELLOW: Try Stitch Fix Freestyle today by filling out your style quiz at stitchfix.com/zyxx.
BARISTA: Trevin. Order for Trevin.
BLUE: Ah! Don't use my real name when I wear my helmet, barista! Rodd!
BARISTA: Sorry.
YELLOW: stitchfix.com/zyxx!
[transition]
[Phil is playing Flappy Garfon]
TWO: [unlocking door] Hello?
PLECK: Wow, this is your apartment.
TWO: Yeah, yeah, this is where my live!
PLECK: It's--
TWO: This is where--
AJ: This is where my live…?
PLECK: Two, you need to see a doctor. I think you-- [laughter] You hit your head pretty hard.
TWO: What? Nah, nah, I'm, uh-- I'm OK, man. [flips through cards]
AJ: Uh-oh.
C-53: Two, I really-- Yeah.
TWO: Hey, Phil. Phil, I got the milk.
PHIL: Oh, OK. Just leave it in the fridge.
TWO: Yeah, no duh, Phil. [puts milk in fridge]
C-53: Classic milk location.
PHIL: I don't drink that. I'm lactose intolerant.
TWO: [annpyed] Wait, Phil, if you're lactose intolerant, why are you asking for milk?
C-53: That's a fair question.
PLECK: Yeah.
TWO: What is wrong with you?
PHIL: Who are these guys?
TWO: These are the people that are going to save the galaxy!
PHIL: I thought we agreed if we're going to have people over, we let each other know right ahead of time.
TWO: OK.
PLECK: Yeah, we're not coming in.
AJ: Yeah, we're just–
PLECK: We're just dropping off Two. Listen Two… thank you for giving us another chance, I guess. We're going to make things right.
TWO: I believe in you, Pleck. Also, Phil, if I want to have people over, I can, OK? I don't like how much you control our shared space.
AJ: Uh, maybe we just close the door and--
TWO: No, no, no, no, no, no. I want you all to hear this.
PHIL: My name is on the lease. My name is on the lease.
TWO: Oh, your name is on the lease. OK, here we go again. You know what, Phil? If I had my powers, I would snap you out of existence! [snapping]
PHIL: Whatever, I invited my friend over. This is Todd.
PLECK: Oh, he broke his own rule.
TODD: [shouting] I'm the one who asked for the milk! I'm losing my mind. I need the nutrients from the milk! Ah! [drinks milk]
PLECK: Is that the same Todd?
DAR: Sounds like it from the voicemail.
TODD: Bargie!
DAR: Yep, it's him. That's the guy.
PLECK: Didn’t have to wait hardly at all..
TODD: [screaming] I'm drinking all this milk because I love you so much, Bargie!
DAR: OK, time to go.
PLECK: What does that have to do with anything?
TODD: You'd know if you understood our love, fella!
TWO: [quietly] I really need my powers back.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5. Credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 and Todd were played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Justin Ballwheat, and Phil the Roommate were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ and Leximar Pwench were played by Winston Noel. Two was played by special guest Jonathan Braylock. Jonathan is a co-creator of the sketch comedy show Astronomy Club on Netflix and co-host of the podcast Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood. Follow him on Twitter @jonbraylock. This episode was edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
DAVE: Hi, it's me, Dave Hill, from before, here to tell you about my brand new show on Maximum Fun, The Dave Hill Good Time Hour, which combines my old Maximum Fun show, Dave Hill's podcasting incident, with my old radio show, The Goddamn Dave Hill Show, into one new futuristic program from the future. If you like delightful conversation with incredible guests, technical difficulties, and actual phone calls from real-life listeners, you've just hit a street called easy. I'm also joined by my incredible co-host, the boy criminal, Chris Gersbeck. Say hi, Chris.
CHRIS: Hey, Dave, it's really great to--
DAVE: That's enough, Chris. And New Jersey chicken rancher, Des. Say hi, Des.
DES: Hey, Dave.
DAVE: The Dave Hill Good Time Hour. Brand new episodes every Friday on Maximum Fun. Plus, the show's not even an hour, it's 90 minutes. Take that, stupid rules. We nailed it.
BIZ: Hi, I'm Biz.
TERESA: And I'm Teresa.
BIZ: And we're the hosts of One Bad Mother, a podcast about parenting.
TERESA: Parenting is hard, and we have no advice. But we do see you doing it.
BIZ: Honk if you like to do it.
TERESA: Didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like, "Honk if you did it." That's what it was.
BIZ: I think it was "Honk if you're doing it."
TERESA: Why did we not ever make those?
BIZ: We did make them. I think they're still in the MaxFun store.
TERESA: Honk, honk, you're doing it. Thanks, Biz. So are you.
BIZ: Each week, we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job.
TERESA: You can find us on MaximumFun.org. Honk, honk, toot, toot.
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
ALDEN: That's not you. Whoever that is is someone else posing as you, or a shadow version of you, a mirror universe version.
SETH: Well, we're going to have to get them out of there then because I won the election, as you saw.
ALDEN: I think whatever put anti-you in that position--
SETH: A write-in vote.
ALDEN: Yeah, okay, great. But it was some sort of machinations that… are not okay. We need to fix it.
SETH: Pleck, are you against democracy?
WINSTON: Are you saying that we should overturn the election, Pleck?
ALDEN: No…
JEREMY: Oh, yikes.
ALDEN: No, I'm just saying it was stolen.
WINSTON: That's something that you want to really commit to?
ALLIE: We're all going to have to quit now, this is over.
MOUJAN: This is a little awkward. This is getting too political.
ALDEN: I'm not getting the vaccine, everybody.
ALLIE: Too political.
ALDEN: Good stuff.
SETH: Pick up from–
ALLIE: Nermut.