Episode 101: All Hail the Federated Alliance!

The crew encounters some resistance to the FEDERATED ALLIANCE’s message of peace. There is an altercation, PLECK shoots someone, and that’s all we really need to say about it. BARGIE meets a fan.

Episode Transcript

NOTE: This transcript was originally written by Shrimp_Heaven_N-O-W on the Mission to Zyxx subreddit.

Voice Crawl Narration: The period of civil war has ended. In the aftermath of the Battle of Sistoo, the rebels have overthrown the evil Galactic Monarchy, and in its place established the just and benevolent Federated Alliance. It’s definitely an improvement. Now, to restore diplomatic relations between systems, the Federated Alliance has deployed teams of ambassadors throughout the galaxy to bring a message of peace to every inhabited world. The pay is six Kroons per hour, which seems sort of low, all things considered. In the farthest reaches of the Tremillion sector, a young farm boy named Pleck Decksetter embarks with his crew on his first assignment: a daring journey to the remote and mysterious Zyxx Quadrant. Aboard the starship the Bargarean Jade, they set out to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is their mission: a Mission… to Zyxx.

~ theme song ~

Pleck: People of Flurp: greetings! My name is Ambassador Pleck Decksetter, of the Federated Alliance! We come bearing a message of peace, and prosperity, and togetherness, and synergy, [C-53 whirring noises] and cooperation, and...synthesis...and...economic, uh, growth? I…

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, have you misplaced your cards?

Pleck: I--I went to the last one? About disarming the guards and I don’t, I don’t think I should do that right now...

C-53: No, that would be too soon.

Pleck: So please, disarm your guards and, uh, share with us freely the great resources of the planet Flurp. Thank you, and all hail the Federated Alliance!

C-53: (simultaneously) All hail the Federated Alliance.

Dar: (simultaneously) Yeaaaaaah…

[long pause]

Grand Kula: Are you… jucking kidding me?

Pleck: Uhhhh...what?

Grand Kula: You come down to my planet, talk to me, the Kula of this planet--

Pleck: Uh, what--

Grand Kula: --and you come down, oh, you don’t even know what that is?

Pleck: I, I mean…

Grand Kula: Do you not know what a Kula is?

Pleck: It’s, like, king, right?

C-53: (quietly) Ambassador Decksetter, I gave you a file to read.

Grand Kula: It’s actually a war chieftain? It’s very different? Do you even know what synergy means?

Pleck: Uh, I think I have a...pretty good idea.

Grand Kula: Tell me what it means right now.

Pleck: I mean, synergy is like when you make your business, uh, go to the top.

C-53: No.

Pleck: As far as [overlapping] I--

C-53: [overlapping] No. That is not what synergy is.

Grand Kula: Where are you from?

Pleck: Um, I...well, we represent the Federated [overlapping] Alliance!

Grand Kula: [overlapping] No, no, no. Where are you from?

Pleck: Uh, uh...from Rangus VI.

Grand Kula: Oh, okay.

Pleck: It’s a farm planet.

Grand Kula: Is that right? So you came all the way from Rangus 6--

Pleck: Yep.

Grand Kula: --to my planet--

Pleck: Uh-huh.

Grand Kula: And you think you can tell me what to do?

Pleck: Ah.

Grand Kula: This is the Zyxx quadrant.

Pleck: Yeah.

Grand Kula: You know how things work in the Zyxx quadrant?

Pleck: I...I sorta do?

Grand Kula: (with increasing intensity) If you bring a blaster, we bring an ion cannon. If you bring a laser pike, we bring a laser staff. If you bring a starship, we bring a bigger starship.

Pleck: Well, we don’t--

Grand Kula: That’s how it works in the Zyxx quadrant!

Pleck: Okay, we don’t have any. We don’t have any guns, so. laugh You don’t have to worry about that.

Grand Kula: pleasantly surprised Oh. Alright.

Pleck: What is a laser pike?

Grand Kula: It’s--it’s a...

C-53: Sort of a [overlapping] long stick with a laser at the end.

Grand Kula: [overlapping] Yeah, it’s a…

Pleck: Does the laser shoot out of it?

C-53: No, it’s truly a hand-to-hand weapon.

Grand Kula: Yeah. The droid is correct. Ambassador Decksetter, give me one good reason why my armor guard should not obliterate you in this moment.

Pleck: Uh….Oh! You know what, I got this. Darr, please present him with our Federated Alliance gift!

Dar: You think this is our one good reason?

Pleck: I mean, it’s pretty…

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I strongly advise you to reconsider this course of action.

Pleck: This, my friend, is an official Federated Alliance koozie!

Grand Kula: What is this?

C-53: It keeps a hot beverage hot, it keeps a cold beverage cold.

Grand Kula: When would I use this for a hot beverage? This is a hot, humid planet, when would I ever use this?

C-53: Hmm.

Dar: Well, I guess--

Pleck: Well, it’s good for cold beverages.

Grand Kula: Guards, open fire.

[blaster charging and firing noises]

Pleck: Okay, go, let’s go! Guys, guys, run!

Dar: Uh...okay!

[various noises of distress from Pleck and Dar as firing noises continue]

Pleck: Go, go, get in, get in, close the door, close the door!

[sound of a hangar door closing]

Pleck: Bargie, get us out of here! Get us out of here right now!

Bargie: That was fast. I thought...I thought you guys--

Pleck: It didn’t go well! It really...it really went to shit. We just need to get out...of the...blaster range…

Bargie: Okay, alright, you know how I told you I needed time, so everything’s gonna be done slowly, okay?

Pleck: I...I get that, I’m sorry.

Bargie: Gosh, I mean, I have this one day for myself, and you keep making it all about you.

[blaster noises subside, ship takeoff noises]

[ship ambient noises, followed by holo ping sound effect]

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I regret to inform you we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.

[holo opening sound effect]

Pleck: Uh…’kay. Hey...Nermut! (nervous chuckle)

Nermut: (frustrated tone, sigh) Hello.

Dar: What’s shakin’ Nermie?

Nermut: What’s shakin’ is a big stack of paperwork. [paper shuffling noises]

Pleck: What? No, c’mon, listen, I’m sorry. I know that that mission didn’t go...the way that we wanted it to but it’s fine now! We’re off the planet!

Nermut: There’s no question on the form which is satisfactorily answered by the statement, “I’m sorry.”

Pleck: Oh…

Nermut: So, here we go. Uh, because, uh, Security Officer Dar was shot [overlapping] in a very questionable way, now we all get to fill out some forms.

Dar: [overlapping] Mmmm.

Pleck: [overlapping] Okay…[overlap stop] I’m sorry, D--Dar, you were, you were shot?

Dar: By you.

Pleck: Oh, boy.

C-53: In pushing his way out of the Grand Kula’s palace, Ambassador Decksetter caused an energy rifle to misfire and strike security officer Dar.

Nermut: Uh, j--(sigh). I’m sorry, did you pull the energy rifle out of the hands of an enemy? Because none of you were issued weapons.

C-53: I would describe it more as a blind panic.

Pleck: Okay...there were a lot of weapons going off and really it could have been any of us.

Nermut: Alright, Ambassador Decksetter. Please state your name and position.

Pleck: (sigh) Pleck Decksetter. Ambassador.

Nermut: Great. And please state your mission on the planet Flurp.

Pleck: To establish diplomatic relations between the Federated Alliance and the people of Flurp.

Nermut: And how would you rate the success of that mission? On a scale from zero to ten?

Pleck: I dunno, like a three? Or four?

C-53: Zero.

Pleck: Okay, probably a zero.

Nermut: That is correct.

Dar: Wow, a three or a four.

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, had you only read my preparatory file on this planet, you would know that the easiest way to gain a Kula’s respect would be to fight him in single combat.

Pleck: Well, I obviously wasn’t going to be able to succeed at that.

C-53: The point is not to succeed, had he pounded you into dust, you would have earned his respect.

Dar: Certainly would’ve earned mine.

Nermut: Alright, skipping down..how many members of your own crew did you shoot?

Pleck: Okay, come--that’s--now, we’re [overlapping] just being…

Dar: [overlapping] Gonna give that a one.

Nermut: That’s...not an actual question, but we know the answer, right?

Dar: [overlapping] Mmhmm.

Pleck: [overlapping] Yes.

Nermut: Great.

Pleck: Are we sure that it wasn’t just a random…

C-53: Would you like to watch the incident?

Dar: Let’s watch the tape!

C-53: Replaying now…

[over holo recording]

Pleck: Run, run! Ahhhh!

[live]

C-53: And right there, you can see yourself press [overlapping] the trigger.

Pleck: [overlapping] Okay, yeah. [overlap stop] You know what, I messed up. I messed up, and...we all make mistakes, and I don’t think we need to fill out any more forms.

Nermut: Unfortunately what you think about the forms is pretty immaterial at this point. Dar. State your...full name?

Dar: (strange, overlapping alien noises)

Nermut: Oh…(sigh) ‘Kay.

Dar: Let’s just keep it with Dar.

Nermut: Great. And your position.

Dar: The muscle.

Nermut: Dar, could you please explain why in your role as security officer you did not offer more security in this situation?

Dar: (sassy) I could have, if I had had a gun.

Nermut: Okay, I mean you’re not gonna have weapons, you were hired because you could approach the chieftain and hug him in, and squish him against some of those, like, chest talons, and [overlapping] make his organs pop out of his body and…

Dar: [overlapping] Oh, Nermie...I really thought I was hired because you really liked me.

Nermut: That’s...I mean, I’m, uh, fond of you, that’s not, uh, why you were hired for your position, necessarily, but you were--

Dar: Nermie, if you would just let me have a gun, the next time Pleck tries to shoot me, I can kill him!

Pleck: That--that seems extreme.

Nermut: We found through research that if teams of ambassadors arrive visibly armed, it doesn’t necessarily do well for the cause of the federated alliance.

Dar: It doesn’t have to be visible! I can hide the guns.

Pleck: To be fair, Dar has a lot of...flaps? What would you call the features of your body where you might hide a gun?

Dar: I guess what a Tellurian would call...my genitalia.

Pleck: (chuckle) Oh.

Dar: I can fit anything up there.

Nermut: Your personnel file lists a couple of chutes in your body? And--

Dar: Those are out--those are outgoing.

Nermut: Oh, outgoing chutes. [pause] Noted.

Dar: The flaps are ingoing.

Nermut: Great. We’ll update the file.

[beep boop]

C-53: File is updated.

Dar: I mean, Nermut, if you ever wanted to try it out for yourself…

Nermut: (loud breath/gasp hybrid) Uh. I. Uh, I’m busy in the evenings. [pause] C-53.

C-53: Yes, Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy?

Nermut: Uh, (chuckle) name, classification, rank, and summary of mission.

C-53: C-53, protocol and diplomatic relations droid; mission objective: establish diplomatic relations with planet Flurp. Mission status: [whirring, almost as if to turn his head] failure. [pause] Is that sufficient, Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy?

Nermut: Uh, you don’t have to say the “Junior” every time.

C-53: I do have to say the “Junior Operations Manager,” there are three [overlapping] classifications; yours is the lowest.

Nermut: [overlapping] (annoyed) I know. I--I know. I--(deep, hurt breath)

C-53: [pause] Above Junior [overlapping] Operations Manager is Missions Operations Manager and above that is Senior Missions Operations Manager.

Nermut: [overlapping] I know what--[pause] Obviously, I know that about, and I will be both of those in the future.

C-53: Do you now understand why I have to say “Junior [overlapping] Operations Manager?”

Nermut: [overlapping] I obviously do.

C-53: I will prepare a report that perhaps will help you understand this in the future.

Nermut: You know what? You can go hang out with my dad, who has to say “Junior” every time too, okay? Nevermind.

C-53: Mm. Failing to draw relevance from statement.

Nermut: (deep sigh) C-53, I just wanna make sure that you are, uh, recording all these interactions...the videos you’ve provided have been very useful in establishing the degree to which Pleck royally jucked up.

C-53: I can confirm [whirring noise] I am streaming all of this information to Federated Alliance Council Compound Number Five at all times.

Nermut: Okay. So, we don’t necessarily need to stream this bit…

C-53: It is against my specifications to suspend stream at any time. [pause] Have I answered all of your questions?

Nermut: Sure. [pause]

C-53: [whir] The tone of your voice indicates that there are...questions remaining that you wish to ask.

Nermut: Nope.

C-53: [pause] Very well.

Nermut: Bargie, please state your full name and your position.

Bargie: Bargerian Jade, the ship.

Nermut: Right.

Bargie: Of stars.

Nermut: Okay--

Bargie: Of memories.

Nermut: Alright.

Bargie: Of fame.

Nermut: (sigh)

Bargie: Once used to be the most thriving ship in all of the galaxies.

Nermut: Alright, we have a character limit.

Bargie: But now is just a (Nermut sighs)...broken-down, out-and-about ship taking these misfit losers to who knows where.

Pleck: Okay--

Nermut: Alright.

Pleck: Bargie…

Bargie: Do you know the people that used to be inside of me? LaCraine LaCrosse. Jaka Moran. Jimn Jimnerrar. [transcriber is doing her best with these names I promise] Ava Galorka--

Pleck: You know Jimn Jimnerrar?

Bargie: Oh, I knew him very well. He used to sit on the stoop that your sittin’ right now, and he used to say to me, “Bargie, you’re the ship dreams are made of.” And then he died.

Dar: Right there? [overlapping] On that stoop?

Bargie: [overlapping] Right there.

C-53: Yes, famously Jin Jineroar died aboard the Bargerian Jade.

Dar: Wow.

Bargie: I used to be the most famous ship. I used to make movies. I used to walk the red carpet--but from the sky!

Nermut: Okay.

Bargie: They used to make, remake movies about me with other, lesser known ships!

Nermut: Alright, Bargie? Bargie, what is the recommended speed for an evacuation of this type?

Bargie: (heavy sigh) Fast.

Nermut: Yes. That’s one way to say it. How fast did you go?

Bargie: Okay, first of all, let me just d-defend myself--

Nermut: That’s not a speed.

Bargie: Uh, I was on a break. I was chattin’ up another local ship. Do you guys ever hear of the Henry Buckaloo Ship? He’s broken down, he used to be big back in the day--we were, we were texting back and forth [overlapping] recently, I knew he was nearby...

Nermut: [overlapping] A break is not a thing that ships…(sigh)

Bargie: Hey! It’s not my fault that they messed up!

Pleck: Yes, this is all my fault. I get it.

Nermut: (sigh) Alright. I have a lot of paperwork to file. Hang tight. I will be back.

Pleck: Okay.

[intermission music, intercepted by rebel hackers!]

Rolphus Tiddle: Attention. This is rebel leader Rolphus Tiddle with an important announcement to anyone listening. Support for the rebellion against the lame Federated Alliance comes from Audible. It’s honestly kind of boring here on the rebel base, and the only way we survive the tedium is by listening to entertaining audiobooks from Audible. Whether it’s emptying a septic pit, or a fifty-hour shift at a lookout tower, there’s no task that can’t be made exciting by a thrilling audiobook performance. Honestly, the last book I listened to made me feel just as much as when I was shot through my arm with a laser rifle, but, you know, in a good way! Audible has the largest, I repeat, the largest, library and the most exclusive content. You’ve gotta check out this deal: get a FREE thirty-day trial on Audible and your first audiobook is free, I repeat, your first audiobook is free. Just visit audible.com/zyxx, z-y-x-x. Hear that? A free trial and a free audiobook? Yeah, that’s the type of deal we’re all about here at the rebellion. That’s audible.com/zyxx. Do it now. Rebel leader out!

[transmission fades into intermission music]

[holo ping effect]

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.

Pleck: Alright, here we go.

[holo opening effect]

Nermut: Okay...so, I got the paperwork in, and um, you know, the--the word is, it’s not technically the worst mission that’s ever been logged, so…

Pleck: Yeah, that’s great.

Dar: What’s the worst mission that’s been logged?

Nermut: Uh, there was a ship that exploded in the hangar.

C-53: Mm. That’s bad.

Pleck: Now that’s a zero. Eh?

Nermut: On--on a scale--you mean on the scale?

Pleck: On the scale of one to--

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, it seems cruel to give a number to these poor [overlapping] members of the Federated Alliance who lost their lives.

Dar: [overlapping] Yeah, it’s just they’re dead, dead.

Pleck: [overlapping] Yeah I just meant--I’m sorry, [overlap stop] I’m sorry.

Bargie: Sorry to interrupt, but there’s another person on my ship.

Pleck: What?

Bargie: There’s another thing on my ship. I--I’m sorry, when we signed a lease between each other, you said only three. Why is there four?

Pleck: Uh...there is supposed to be only three.

C-53: Mm, I’m afraid Bargie is correct, there are three life forms and one droid aboard the ship.

Voice: Here.

Dar: Where?

Voice: Here! (scuttling noises) It’s me.

Pleck: Wha--(chuckle)

Kulata: Hello?

Pleck: Hello?

Kulata: Hi. Um…

Pleck: Wha--who are you?

Kulata: I’m the...daughter of the Grand Kula?

Dar: (gasp) You’re the Kulata!

Kulata: I, I uh…

Nermut: Are you kidding me?

Kulata: I’m the Kulata.

Nermut: You abducted [overlapping] a princess?!

Pleck: [overlapping] W-w-wait. No listen, it was a mistake. This was--

Kulata: Well, I’m actually the war chieftain’s daughter. It’s not...it’s not royalty. What the juck is happening right now?

Pleck: Listen, I am so sorry. I don’t know how you got on this ship, but we got into a, sort of an argument with your father, and we had to make a hasty exit, so…

Kulata: Why didn’t you fight him?

Pleck: I-I tried, but I sort of hit my security officer instead.

Dar: Yeah, he prefers to fight people who work with him.

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, you were not at any point fighting, you were running away.

Pleck: We’ve talked about that a lot, and I know you’re correct, technically, but I would like, just, when history is written, we’ll say, Look, there was an altercation, uh, I shot someone and that’s all we really need to say about it.

C-53: Why would the historians of the future not just use my video record of the events?

[holo starts]

Pleck: Okay...I, yes!

[indistinct yelling from holo sounds in the background]

Dar: Mhm.

Pleck: I…

Dar: Wow, when you zoom in like that…

C-53: It almost looks like you turn to aim the gun at Dar.

Pleck: No, I…

Kulata: Um, excuse me?

Dar: Oh, right.

Kulata: Uh...the only reason I came here is because I saw the Bargerian Jade.

Bargie: Oh, my--that’s so nice of you.

Nermut: You know--you know her from the movies?

Kulata: Yeah!

Bargie: Thank you, you know, it was a long time ago, I--

Kulata: It’s just, the silent ones, the ones with talking? They’re all amazing.

Bargie: You want a signature? I can--you know what? You want some gas?

Kulata: Yeah, oh my--yes.

Bargie: Alright.

Nermut: Bargie, do not [sounds of liquid gushing] eject gas inside the ship again.

C-53: The Bargerian Jade has covered the Kulata in a thick stream of her own gas.

Kulata: Uh...wow, this is the Bargerian Jade’s gas. I cannot...I cannot!

Bargie: There you go sweetheart, a little bit of me for you.

Kulata: None of my friends are gonna believe this.

Bargie: Oh, do you wanna take a picture inside of me?

Kulata: Oh, Rod, can I?

Bargie: There you go.

Kulata: This is gonna be so amazing ‘cause honestly when my father comes with all his warships you’ll be obliterated, but like...Oh!

Pleck: Wait--what?

Kulata: This is amazing! This is the exact control panel from Ship, Please!

Bargie: There, you remember! You’re a real fan. That’s a true fan.

Kulata: Ship, Please...you guys don’t even know what Ship, Please meant to me, because, I’ll be honest with you, Bargie--

Bargie: Mm.

Kulata: --I was going through a really tough time.

Bargie: Yeah.

Kulata: And I was just like…”What?”

Bargie: Yeah.

Kulata: What?

Bargie: Mm.

Kulata: Do you know what I mean?

Bargie: Yeah.

Kulata: It wasn’t even that there was anything really happening--

Bargie: Yeah.

Kulata: --but I was just more like...what?

Bargie: “What?” Yeah.

Kulata: Do you know what I mean?

Bargie: Yeah.

Kulata: Like, WHAT.

Bargie: Yeah, what.

Kulata: And my friends were like--

Pleck: Wait, what?

Kulata: --”But you have every--” Shut up!

Bargie: Shut up!

Pleck: I’m just…[overlapping] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Kulata: [overlapping] Shut your mouth.

Bargie: [overlapping] Shut your mouth!

Kulata: Alright, I’ll tell you this, my father will pull out your entrails and floss with them.

Pleck: What are you--wh-why? Your dad doesn’t need to kill us, we’re the good guys. Okay? We’re the Federated Alliance!

Kulata: Wait, who the juck is the Federated Alliance?

Pleck: I am so glad you asked that. Uh, the Federated Alliance defeated the evil Galactic Monarchy in the Battle of Sistoo! A team of rebels flew a fighter into this--

Kulata: Ah, history is boring!

Pleck: Oh.

Kulata: It’s boring!

Pleck: Okay.

Kulata: Juck you!

Pleck: Okay!

Kulata: Juck. You.

Pleck: Okay, I’m sorry.

Kulata: My father is going to destroy you.

Pleck: Okay. We’ve established that.

Kulata: You’ll be the first to die. I will [overlapping] ensure that you will be the first to die.

Pleck: [overlapping] What--what--why?

Kulata: My father will rip you apart. He will rip you limb from limb.

Pleck: Listen, can we just take you home? Can we just take you home?

Kulata: What--no, I’m having a good time!

Pleck: But I don’t want your father to kill us!

Kulata: But I’m having a good time!

Bargie: She’s having a good time.

Pleck: (sighs)

Nermut: Can someone, uh, cover...the Kulata’s ears?

C-53: Creating [overlapping] zone of silence.

Kulata: Wh-whoa, uh...Hey what’s going o--

[zone of silence zwoosh?]

Nermut: Um...I know this might sound harsh, but I think we should eject the Kulata into deep space.

Pleck: What? What?

Dar: We can do that?

Nermut: There’s this loophole because there’s, honestly, a lack of data on this particular species, so we don’t technically know that she can’t breathe out there.

Dar: Yeah, let’s watch it. Bargie, let’s--let’s open the hatch.

Pleck: No, now come on--Bargie, no, don’t do that…

[hatch beeping and opening noises]

Pleck: Don’t do that...don’t...no, close the door! Close it! Close it…

[hatch shutting noise]

C-53: You locked her outside the ship!

Pleck: No...just...open it! So we can bring her back in…

[opening noise and shutting noise]

Pleck: Hey, listen, sorry.

Kulata: (distressed crying noises) What the juck?

Pleck: I am so sorry.

Kulata: What the juck?!

Pleck: There was a misunderstanding, we were...we...we…

Kulata: You ejected me into space!

C-53: Her own tears are frozen to her face!

Kulata: I promise you this--first of all, I have three hearts--I promise by all three of them that my father will board the ship, destroy all of you--

Pleck: Okay.

Kulata: No--destroy the pink one, just really--

Pleck: Okay. Is that me?

Kulata: Yeah. [overlapping] Yeah, you’re the pink one.

Dar: [overlapping] You’re the only pink one.

Kulata: You’re the only pink one.

C-53: I’m not even close to pink.

Kulata: No. He’ll destroy the pink one, burst him--

Pleck: I wouldn’t call myself “pink.”

Kulata: [overlapping] You’re pink enough...

Dar: [overlapping] You’re pink!

C-53: [overlapping] You are pretty pink.

Bargie: [overlapping] I consider you to be pink.

Kulata: Of all the people here, you’re the pinkest.

Pleck: Okay.

Kulata: You’re gonna be burst--you’re just gonna be burst, my father will--

Pleck: What does that mean?

Kulata: --he will puncture a small little hole in you and fill you with air until you pop.

Pleck: Oh…

Kulata: And then take your entrails and like, do a like, sensual dance with them like it’s--like--

Pleck: Oh, like between his legs?

Kulata: Yeah, between his legs.

Pleck: Listen, Kulata, I’m sorry--

Kulata: Shut up! I’m not done.

Bargie: Calm down, calm down. I’m sure we can just talk this out--

Kulata: And you, Bargerian Jade...Just for the record? Ship, Please 2 was a disaster.

Bargie: Huh.

Dar: Whoa.

Bargie: [overlapping] I thought it was one of my best films...it was...artistically...had a lot of integrity.

Kulata: [overlapping] It’s a disaster, it was a Kroon grab, Ship, Please 2 was a Kroon grab and everybody knew it.

Bargie: You know what? I figured it out, everyone, uh, hey.

Kulata: What?

Bargie: You’re a fan of mine, right?

Kulata: Yeah?

Bargie: You like my work, right?

Kulata: Yeah?

Bargie: You probably always wanted to be your own spaceship, right?

Kulata: (pause) Yeah…

Bargie: Now’s your chance.

Pleck: No--

[hatch opening whoosh and beep]

Pleck: Don’t, please...oh, no...

Kulata: I wanna be a spaceship. I’m a spaceship! I’m a spaceshiiiiiiip!

[hatch closing noise]

Pleck: Oh…

Nermut: I, honestly, do not know what form to fill out in this situation.

C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, as the Kulata exited the spacecraft of her own free will, it would seem we are not required to file a form.

Bargie: “You’re welcome, Bargie.” Yeah, wow! Everyone’s really sayin’ it!

Dar: Man, Barge...I...I gotta say, she was a fan! Like…

Bargie: I know.

Dar: Big fan!

Bargie: I know!

Nermut: That was one of the purest uses of fame I’ve ever seen.

Bargie: Not my first time…[overlapping] uh…

Nermut: You’ve [overlapping] murdered a fan before?

C-53: [overlapping] Not your first time ejecting someone into space?

Bargie: Why, is that surprising to you?

C-53: I don’t know why I’m surprised by that.

Bargie: That was the logline of my third movie.

Dar: Wow. Look at that frozen Kulata.

[intermission music...hacked again!]

Seesu Gundu: This is rebel leader Seesu Gundu with an important announcement; please listen up. Support for the rebellion against the annoying Federated Alliance comes from ModCloth. When people locate our secret rebel base, which is rare, one of the first things they say is, “Wow, you are incredibly well-dressed rebels!” Okay, here’s our secret: We get our outfits from ModCloth! ModCloth is a source for unique women’s fashion in a broad range of styles for every season: summer, fall, Zistarkatarn, etc. Unlike the criminals of the Federated Alliance, ModCloth believes that fashion is for every body, size, and shape. That’s right, their exclusive line of apparel is offered in a full size range from XXS to 4XL! Here’s what you do: go to modcloth.com and enter promo code: ZYXX at checkout to get 30% off your order of $100 or more. Are you kidding me with this deal? Modcloth.com, promo code ZYXX; make every day extraordinary with ModCloth. Do it for the rebellion!

[transmission fades to intermission music]

[holo start noise]

Nermut: Hey, everyone. Not the greatest news...Just received orders that this ambassador team is suspended ‘till further notice.

[groaning sounds from the whole team]

Dar: [pause] Without pay?

Nermut: Over and out.

[holo end noise]

Dar: (solemnly) Without pay.

Pleck: Guys, look...I really--

[holo ping noise]

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.

[holo start noise]

Pleck: Oh, uh, hello.

Nermut: Good news. Suspension lifted. [overlapping] Apparently they are of arbitrary length.

Pleck: [overlapping] What? [overlap stop] Oh. That--

Nermut: Could’ve been years.

Pleck: Uh...Wait, they’re--they’re just a different length every time?

Nermut: Yeah, it’s a randomizer.

[dramatic outro music builds]

Pleck: Does this mean we get to go on another mission?

Nermut: Absolutely.

Pleck: Then let’s do it.

Nermut: Buckle up.

[music pauses (intentionally)]

Bargie: And I dumped some gas.

Nermut: (sigh)

Pleck: Wait, why?

Nermut: Why do you have to...that’s the way you move!

Pleck: Yeah, isn’t that important to you?

Bargie: How do you think I keep this figure? I mean, come on. Alright, tiltin’ over, dumpin’ gas.

[gas dumpin’, and general crew distress noises]

[outro music]