Episode 117: The One with the Council of Seven
SEVEN BEST FRIENDS who also happen to run the galactic government have a meeting. Then one of them leaves...
Federated Alliance Council of Seven crest designed by Josh Kramer.
+ Episode Transcript
Narrator: It is a time of peace, harmony, and all around good vibes in the galaxy right now. Despite what you may have heard in certain Quadrants, the Federated Alliance has never been stronger and the wise and all-knowing Council of Seven has everything under control. They are seven best friends, they are making this galaxy a better place. Deep within the stately alliance dorm on the capital world of Quantaris, the Council of Seven convenes to assess the rebel threat, strategize on the impending war against the K’hekk and decide whether it looks cooler for all of them to wear their hoods up, or keep it casual and leave them down. This is the Council of Seven.
[intro music]
TRINK: [Clanging] Fellow Councillors of Seven!
[Drinks are poured]
COUNCILLORS: Yes, yes, yes.
TRINK: Bring this item to the floor…
JOEY: It should be the final item of the evening.
TRINK: Yes, the final item of the evening. [Raises drink for a toast] To you, my six best friends.
COUNCILLORS: Best friends!
TRINK: I have to bring this to the floor. In the Celwen Quadrant.
KASSU: We summered there fourteen summers ago!
RUNFF: Oh yeah..
TRINK: We bought that beach house.
COUNCILORS: Oh yeah…
KASSU: Somebody brought their girlfriend and broke up with them there, we all had to deal with the consequences!
CORPUSTANIAN: Awkward…
TRINK: What a crazy weekend.
ARCURI: I wrote about it.
RUNFF: I broke a chair.
TRINK: You did, Runff. We all remember how you broke that chair.
CORPUSTANIAN: Councillor Trink, do you have a business item to discuss? Or will you continue to discuss our summer home?
TRINK: Blah blah blah, as you know I’m from the Celwen Quadrant.
CORPUSTANIAN: Indeed.
TRINK: And the Crabbos, my people. [Snips claws]
KASSU: Yes, we know.
TRINK: My people…
CORPUSTANIAN: Yes, you are obviously a Crabbo.
JOEY: There is no reason to be so agitated.
TRINK: [Snips claws and paces] I’m a Crabbo and always have been!
RUNFF: I know, you’re walking sideways.
TRINK: I always do, I’m a Crabbo!
RUNFF: Oh, right.
ARCURI: Yes but it would seem like you were walking away from the table…
TRINK: No I just…
RUNFF: Yes.
TRINK: Agitated. I’m pacing.
CORPUSTANIAN: Get to the point!
TRINK: My people in the Celwen Quadrant, specifically the planet [clicks and grunts] need the Zuma bean to grow. We need economic funding from the rest of the council in order for this to happen
CORPUSTANIAN: [bangs gavel] Very well, it shall be sent to the [mumbles] Zuma bean.
TRINK: Thank you very much…
KASSU: May I present? [shakes rattle] I have been waiting very patiently.
TRINK: It was the last-
JOEY: That was the last order..
KASSU: I know but mine has nothing to do with business or any relation to it. Our friendship.
CORPUSTANIAN: Oh Counsellor Kassu..
ARCURI: Very well Counsellor Kassu
KASSU: I have been up for many a many fortnight making these beaded hand bracelets so we can all place it upon ourselves and we know wherever we are within the galaxies we all have each other.
JOEY: One for each of the seven…
TRINK: Council of Seven bracelets!
KASSU: And inside of each of them is a note I handwrit for each of you guys!
ARCURI: And what an affectionate message, I’ll be there for you…
CORPUSTANIAN: Indeed.
JOEY: Very nice.
CORPUSTANIAN: We thank you
BALLWHEATRINK: Guys uh…
JOEY: Oh, yes?
BALLWHEAT: I have to head out a little bit early, I know we’re kinda winding it down but I really have to rush..
KASSU: You’ve been very quiet.
CORPUSTANIAN: Councilor Ballwheat you are dismissed we shall stay and clean up.
KASSU: See you at brunch!
BALLWHEAT: I’ll see you at brunch, guys.
CORPUSTANIAN: Don’t forget brunch.
BALLWHEAT: Okay, until next week.
ARCURI: Until next week…
Everyone: Until next week’s meeting.
CORPUSTANIAN: Good work in here this week.
BALLWHEAT: Oh thanks. Bye, guys.
JOEY: Goodbye.
[silence]
CORPUSTANIAN: Is he gone?
RUNFF: He’s gone!
[Everyone cackles]
ARCURI: While the seventh leaves, the Council of Syxx convenes!
[Evil cackling]
TRINK: Lower the lights!
JOEY: Positively sinister
Everyone: Yess…
ARCURI: The true source of power in the galaxy…
RUNFF: Turn on that light that makes white things glow…
Everyone: Yesss...
ARCURI: And now our evil purposes will be brought to light…
[Ballwheat comes back]
BALLWHEAT: Hey guys.
Everyone: Oh, hey!
BALLWHEAT: I just left my car keys
KASSU: Oh that’s so fun, good for you!
CORPUSTANIAN: Totally cool. Totally cool.
ARCURI: What an amusing misunderstanding.
BALLWHEAT: Yeah, my daughter’s flarknak recital is in a few weeks.
KASSU: Oh how cute!
BALLWHEAT: I’ll send an e-bot…
TRINK: I’m putting it in my calendar right now.
CORPUSTANIAN: Would not miss it.
KASSU: Do they need baked goods?
BALLWHEAT: Oh it’s just a recital so…
KASSU: It’s there, I have it! I’ll do it, don’t even ask!
BALLWHEAT: Okay, thanks guys.
RUNFF: Please look her in the eyes and say “Councilor Runff wishes you luck”
BALLWHEAT: You guys are the best
CORPUSTANIAN: And don’t even dream of doing that without saying the same of Councilor Corpustanian!
BALLWHEAT: Thanks guys. Alright, well. Have a good night.
CORPUSTANIAN: You’re the best!
[Ballwheat leaves]
[They all cackle]
ARCURI: That was close…
TRINK: That was slick
CORPUSTANIAN: If Councilor Ballwheat realizes what our true agenda is it would be the disillusion of the alliance!
KASSU: Well let us begin our true meeting!
TRINK: Our true purpose! We will put down the causes of liberty and freedom wherever we see. So that brings me to the Zuma bean.
JOEY: Oh yes, what’s the real reason?
TRINK: The real thing is that we must send in a group of C.L.I.N.T.s to slaughter the farmers and drive the price of the bean up
KASSU: Ooh I love it I love it!
JOEY: Positively diabolical…
TRINK: We put it under our thumb or… crab claw, in my place as you know I am a-
CORPUSTANIAN: Crabbo, yes.
TRINK: And I’m fine with it.
ARCURI: That’s interesting as I am a beetleman, yet I have thumbs.
TRINK: Yes.. We all-
CORPUSTANIAN: A hallmark of the beetleman species. Councilor Trick, all this talk of supply and demand has made me a [goes off into unintelligible speech]
ARCURI: Councilor Corpustanian, are you alright?
CORPUSTANIAN: Yes um…
JOEY: He’s just always very close to death
CORPUSTANIAN: Yes I’ve been very close to death
KASSU: That’s his whole species. A planet of people born close to death.
TRINK: He looks like a Telurian corn husk dried out and-
CORPUSTANIAN: Indeed.
KASSU: They don’t drink any liquids.
ARCURI: The methusalens?
TRINK: Yes the methusalens.
CORPUSTANIAN: We have multiple heart attacks at a time…
RUNFF: Simultaneous heart attacks?
CORPUSTANIAN: Whereas one species may have a beating heart ours is sort of just in a constant state of cardiac-
[They unintelligibly agree]
CORPUSTANIAN: [bangs gavel] Councilors, we must focus. There is only one matter of true importance to discuss. The matter of… rebels.
RUNFF: Excuse me.
CORPUSTANIAN: What? ARCURI: He said rrrrrebels.
RUNFF: I know-
KASSU: He said rrrrrrrrebels.
TRINK: Rrrrrrebels!
ARCURI: As we all know the Council of Syxx is devoted to nothing but the utter destruction of the hated rebellion.
TRINK: I’ll say the biggest blow to me about the rebellion is the fact that one of my prized officers, Rolphus Tiddle, defected… The blueprint of which all the C.L.I.N.T.s were created. Rolphus Tiddle.
KASSU: He has the finest cheekbones I ever did see!
TRINK: Incredibly high cheekbones. Of course as a Crabbo, I do not possess it.
ARCURI: Does that mean the C.L.I.N.T.S could defect to the rebellion as well?
KASSU: Does that mean C.L.I.N.T.s have the ability to think for themselves?
CORPUSTANIAN: We went way out of our way to make sure the C.L.I.N.T.s are dumb as hell.
TRINK: Yes. Councilor Corpustanian and his geneticist made it clear the C.L.I.N.T.s would be much dumber, almost to a debilitated degree.
JOEY: Now Rolphus wasn’t that much smarter, of course.
TRINK: He was never the brightest but damn he was brave.
JOEY: Honestly, we intercept his feeds- he’s mostly talking about underwear.
TRINK: He’s promoting whatever needs to be promoted, rebellions aren’t cheap of course. I do- I do-
CORPUSTANIAN: [bangs gavel] Listen, none of us would do what we’re doing right now for free.
KASSU: Speaking of which, I made a meal in 30 minutes or less last night!
CORPUSTANIAN: Do tell.
KASSU: I used ingredients that came from a box.
JOEY: So easy a baby could do it!
KASSU: So easy the queen of babies could do it!
TRINK: Listen, we’ve all got our side hustles, there’s no doubt about it!
JOEY: Oh which reminds me, you should all come to my play next thursday.
[Everyone groans]
JOEY: This one will be much better than the last one.
RUNFF: I have physical therapy those days.
CORPUSTANIAN: Listen we’re best friends but we’re not like, best friends.
JOEY: Listen, it’s a bringer show. I promised I’d have at least 12 people in the audience.
TRINK: What’s the minimum drink wise?
JOEY: At least 6-
[Everyone protests]
TRINK: Six Kroons!?
JOEY: Six drinks!
[Everyone groans]
ARCURI: How many Kroons a drink?
TRINK: Kroon or Kroons
CORPUSTANIAN: Well in this case it would be Kroons.
TRINK: Alright, I need a head count. How many- wait. If it’s plural things its Kroons?
RUNFF/ARCURI: Yes.
TRINK: Wait, so you’re telling me that if the object that you’re purchasing is plural…
CORPUSTANIAN: Councilor Trink, I don’t understand how you’re not able…
TRINK: I’m a military man, dammit!
ARCURI: The currency is called Kroon. And then were you to sub divide it, it becomes Kroons.
KASSU: Kroons!
TRINK: What if it’s tiny bits of Kroon?
JOEY: That’s Kroons.
KASSU: Kroons!
ARCURI: The plurality is Kroons.
TRINK: But what about BitKroon is what I’m talking about
JOEY: Then that’s Kroons…
ARCURI: BitKroon is a fantasy, something a bunch of Rangus 4 morons…
[Everyone laughs]
TRINK: If we were [unintelligible] I would destroy you for that
ARCURI: I would worm my way into your… [Both begin mumbling angrily]
KASSU: Alright! As the Queen of the Bebe race! [shakes rattle]
RUNFF: Yes
KASSU: It is my turn to dictate what sort of monetary money we should be using moving forward!
[Gavel bangs]
RUNFF: What sort of monetary money should we use?
KASSU: I believe we should change the system forthwith and fortwight in featherfall, and use rickets!
RUNFF: All in favor?
[Silence]
Everyone: No! Absolutely not!
ARCURI: The Council spent years coming up with the theory of Kroon and Kroons
TRINK: The last time you tried to pitch a currency it was just pacifiers! Blasted pacifiers!
KASSU: I am telling you it was a great idea!
TRINK: There couldn’t be a simpler monetary system in the galaxy than Kroons!
KASSU: I dunno, one pacifier per milk!?
TRINK: We’re not doing pacifiers!
JOEY: We’re not doing pacifiers.
CORPUSTANIAN: She only wants it because she’s a bebe-ian.
KASSU: I come from a planet of other babies! The planet is full of babies of all species that never grow!
ARCURI: And it’s you who are a baby that leads the other babies.
KASSU: That is true and it’s quite a [unintelligible]
ARCURI: Sort of a boss baby.
KASSU: Yes, I would say if we were to define it, I am the boss baby!
TRINK: It’s a very complicated structure of governance but no doubt about it you are truly the boss baby.
KASSU: Look who’s talking, it is me!
TRINK: We know you’re talking.
ARCURI: Well look who’s talking too, I’m also speaking over here and equally as important.
TRINK: We’ve got a beetleman! We’ve got several beetleman, one of the four famous beetleman! Until he killed the other three. Killed him off, the other three.
JOEY: Yes
ARCURI: The other three would have done the same.
JOEY: I heard that the best beetleman never made it.
CORPUSTANIAN: You’re talking about the fifth beetleman.
TRINK: Bitaro Wester [name?]
CORPUSTANIAN: Bitaro Bester wasn’t the fifth beetleman!
ARCURI: Yes he was! Many people think it was Billy Crystan. This has gone very far away from my original point.
TRINK: Anyway we all knew that you’ve slain the other three beetleman to become the Major Arcuri, the most famous beetleman.
JOEY: Though really you’re more famous for your haircut than for killing the fellow beetlemans.
ARCURI: How dare you.
CORPUSTANIAN: How dare you. Councilor Joey you’re pretty judgemental for a being that’s a puddle of liquid.
JOEY: Is that how you refer to siskillians? A puddle of liquid?
EVERYONE: Well you are sort of...
TRINK: You’re in a container right now and you have arms that you are able to manipulate, when it really boils down to it you’re just…
RUNFF: A puddle of liquid.
TRINK: A puddle of liquid.
KASSU: We had to make a hood that fitted you and it was quite smaller than I, for I am the Queen of Bebes!
TRINK: Well your hood is also quite small.
KASSU: But it’s of average height for a Bebe!
TRINK: We’re calling them Bebes now? What are we saying, are they babies or Bebes?
KASSU: Well they begin as babies, and the older they get they become a Bebe, and then you go back to a baby!
TRINK: Councilor Kassu, this is absurd!
[Bangs gavel]
RUNFF: We have a rebellion brewing, honestly grow up.
TRINK: We can’t talk about nomenclature for babies all day long!
KASSU: Am I married? Yes! I’m married to another king and queen of babies!
EVERYONE: To a king and queen?
KASSU: We’re babies! We don’t know anything so we all marry whoever we want! Can this get back to the subject at hand, please!
RUNFF: Yes.
TRINK: The rebellion. What does your intel say, Runff?
RUNFF: So if you focus here on the holomap. So, you can see that there are 426 sectors in the Alliance. Each sector of course has four quadrants, except that one sector that somehow has five but we haven’t figured that out...
TRINK: Making for a total of 1705 quadrants.
CORPUSTANIAN: Indeed.
RUNFF: Precisely. And what the intelligence shows from this info feed, it shows that the rebellion is brewing in the Zyxx quadrant of the Tremillion sector.
KASSU: What!?
CORPUSTANIAN: The Zyxx quadrant!? ARCURI: Is it possible their headquarters could be located there?
TRINK: It is the ass end of space.
CORPUSTANIAN: It’s the backwater of the galaxy!
RUNFF: It is the asshole of eternity.
ARCURI: It’s like somebody died and then they moved into the dead body.
CORPUSTANIAN: Woah. What?
ARCURI: Have you not heard that? Did I say something out of turn?
CORPUSTANIAN: Explain the metaphor please.
ARCURI: Imagine someone died. And then imagine someone said, I am looking to build a home.
RUNFF: Right
ARCURI: And I will hollow out this dead body and live there.
RUNFF: Oh wow…
TRINK: It seems like a size issue.
CORPUSTANIAN: Council Arcuri what you’re describing is sort of disgusting if you’re not a beetleman.
ARCURI: You see what I’m saying, that’s not a nice place.
TRINK: What I’m saying, is you have two Tellorians. And one makes a home out of the other…
CORPUSTANIAN: Gross, gross!
TRINK: That would be extremely gross.
CORPUSTANIAN: Regardless, friends. The sixth quadrant is exactly the kind of base we can find filth like the rebellion.
ARCURI: What a perfect place to hide.
TRINK: You would know. When the other three beetleman were on the run, you hunted them down one by one.
CORPUSTANIAN: Help! They said. Help!
TRINK: I need somebody! Not just anybody!
KASSU: Speaking of which can we just address one issue very quickly.
ARCURI: Yes, of course.
KASSU: What is with the individual who is now with you? ARCURI: Listen if any of you have a problem with my partner I want to hear it right now!
JOEY: We have a problem with your partner.
ARCURI: Well, she gives me lots of good ideas. We’ve got a very special connection.
RUNFF: I don’t understand her artwork.
JOKO BONO: I take literally parts of hands and-
CORPUSTANIAN: Parts of hands!?
JOEY: She’s been in this meeting the whole time!?
ARCURI: Yes, of course!
CORPUSTANIAN: Do you understand how jucking secret this council is?
TRINK: This is the Council of Syxx, not seven! The whole thing is that it’s a council of six not seven!
JOEY: Get out of here! Joko Bono: But I..
TRINK: This is extremely rude.
JOEY: I don’t bring my girlfriend to my meetings.
JOKO BONO: I will be leaving, but remember this. Inside of you is outside of you.
RUNFF: Okay…
JOEY: Juck you, get oooout…
TRINK: Juck you, get out of here
[Joko gets up and leaves]
ARCURI: You guys are all being dicks.
[music]
SEESU GUNDU: What’s up rebels? This is your super nice leader Seesu Gundu with an important reminder. This time of year, after X-Mares but before our big New Years sabotage raid, is often time when rebels suffer from utter and complete boredom. That’s why the rebellion officially endorses the podcast Reply All as a 100% guaranteed source of fascinating entertainment every week. Reply All host Alex and PJ and their team of brilliant producers and reporters tell stories that are often related to the internet and technology, and anything that strikes their curiosity! What the episodes all have in common is riveting true story telling and hosts with hilarious chemistry. They just posted an amazing episode that revisits their most fascinating stories in this past year, a great place to start. If you’re not listening to Reply All, please fix that! You will unburden our already overtaxed rebellion mental health counselors because your mind will be activated! That’s Reply All from Gimlet media, wherever you get your podcasts! Seesu Gundu, over and out!
[music]
[Gavel bangs]
RUNFF: Now that Joko Bono is gone. Alright, we can reconvene as six best friends.
TRINK: Yes, Runff. So often you’re the voice of reason. As making words of wisdom.
CORPUSTANIAN: Indeed.
TRINK: Yes.
CORPUSTANIAN: Well fortunately I’m sure we have our very vest ambassadors out there gathering intelligence. What does the info feed say of our ambassadors in the Zyxx quadrant?
[Taps of keyboards and screens]
TRINK: Wait a minute, there’s a K’hekk sighting on this feed.
ARCURI: My word, you’re correct.
RUNFF: Not just a sighting, an attack.
CORPUSTANIAN: Verified contact with the K’hekk.
TRINK: Wait, Joey Joey it was your job to call the exterminators!
JOEY: For the K’hekks?
TRINK: For the K’hekks! We all pitched in and you said “I’ll do it, I’ll call the exterminator”
JOEY: And then I had an audition and…
EVERYONE: Joey…
JOEY: I lost track of it…
KASSU: We are the heads of the galaxy!
JOEY: Well, to be honest, this is more of a side hustle.
TRINK: We’ve all got side hustles!
JOEY: No, THIS is the side hustle. This is the side hustle.
ARCURI: The Council of Syxx can be no one's side hustle.
JOEY: You know, acting is my number one passion.
CORPUSTANIAN: We know it’s your passion!
RUNFF: I trust you were at least cast in the role.
JOEY: No, they went with a different siskillian for that one…
TRINK: Another puddle of liquid?
JOEY: Yes!
KASSU: Well she’s correct, some of the best actors in the whole world are puddles of liquid!
TRINK: I know, I’ve seen a holo! It’s ships and puddle of liquid.
CORPUSTANIAN: When you auditioned did you tell them “Listen, I can be in any size or shape container”
JOEY: I mean they were really looking for a look. Eva G’locker came in a flute. They thought “Oh perfect she’s exactly what we’re looking for.”
TRINK: You gotta dress for the part…
[They all mumble in agreement]
TRINK: Also, Eva G’locker… It was a different time. You’ve got Jim Generaws. It was a different time.
CORPUSTANIAN: Rest in peace, Jim Generaws.
RUNFF: Wait, look at this information. It was an ambassador ship attacked by the K’hekk. Our own ambassadors…
CORPUSTANIAN: And they never reported-
JOEY: So we lost those ambassadors.
TRINK: No, they’re still alive!
ARCURI: They survived a direct attack from the K’hekk!
JOEY: No one survives a direct attack from the K’hekk!
ARCURI: Not from Growers, not from Weavers..
CORPUSTANIAN: [bangs gavel] Councilor Runff-
TRINK: What about the aurochs? Or the bulls? Those are the ones you’ve got to worry about.
ARCURI: What about the weavers?
TRINK: Well the weavers.. Listen, I used to fight the K’hekk. You could go through an entire line of weavers, then you got a auroch back there.
ARCURI: Well then boom, a royal drone shows up
TRINK: And a royal drone shows up and you know you’re jucked.
CORPUSTANIAN: What sort of ambassadors could survive a direct assault by the K’hekk?
ARCURI: Computer, give us the information of our Zyxx crew.
[The computer fetches the information]
CORPUSTANIAN: We’ll have all the information we need from this crew in order to put the Zyxx quadrant down.
ARCURI: They’re in… the Bargarean Jade?
[Everyone mumbles in surprise]
CORPUSTANIAN: The holo star?
TRINK: Bargarean Jade.. Wait a minute, Runff. Did you meet this crew?
RUNFF: Uh…
CORPUSTANIAN: You were recently deployed to the Zyxx quadrant to pick up your wayward child? RUNFF: Yes, my son was on a field trip. Um...
CORPUSTANIAN: Go on?
ARCURI: We can see all the redacted material in this.
TRINK: My goodness, they’ve been to Slog’s Diner! I stop in Slog’s all the time. When I’m doing dust, mostly.
JOEY: Yes, we know.
TRINK: As you know I have a vice grip of the underworld as well as the military. The dust is my crown jewel in Slog’s because it’s in a neutral zone, it’s easy to run through.
ARCURI: I trust you remember we must run the dust, lest we bust.
TRINK: Yes, we don’t want a dust bust.
RUNFF: I wish there were a way to remember that though…
TRINK: Now that I’m looking at it, Joey Joey…
JOEY: Sure.
TRINK: These ambassadors were on the Redacted planet in search of the relic!
CORPUSTANIAN: [Gasps] did they retrieve the relic?
JOEY: How could they have retrieved the relic, no one’s retrieved the relic.
TRINK: Well the riddles are impossible to solve!
CORPUSTANIAN: I heard that from C.L.I.N.T.s.
RUNFF: The planet was destroyed, we assume that the relic destroyed with it.
ARCURI: Atomized by C.L.I.N.T.s
RUNFF: It does say here, look at this fine print here below the smaller print.
KASSU: I can’t read, I’m the queen of the Bebes!
JOEY: We know!
RUNFF: So you see there, it says ‘They retrieved the relic’
TRINK: So are you telling me three ambassadors rogue with a hot bean in their possession!?
JOEY: They won’t even know what to do with it.
TRINK: By all the space magic in the galaxy, this can be terrible! Looks like they’ve talked to Zwog Tambouie.
RUNFF: No. That means…
ARCURI: That wasn’t even a mission and yet they managed to find Zwog Tambouie?
TRINK: How could they find Zwog Tambouie?
RUNFF: Does that mean they know he’s making a planet crusher for us? JOEY: Obviously
KASSU: I know I’m simply the Queen of the Bebes! But all of this sounds… sneaky.
TRINK: Yes, you’re right.
RUNFF: Agreed.
ARCURI: And should you read these reports it appears that these missions have failed due to their supposed ‘incompetence’. But how could all of these missions fail?
CORPUSTANIAN: [bangs gavel] Councilor Trink, what do the logs say about this. Certainly they see the unit we put on each ambassadors ships. That’s been there to keep things in line?
TRINK: Yes, yes yes…
CORPUSTANIAN: What of the C-Unit?
TRINK: Yes, Councilor Corpustanian.
RUNFF: Yes, the records show the C-Unit is.. C-53. [Clicks] [Errors]
ARCURI: We’re not receiving anything!
TRINK: There’s no signal from the C-Unit.
CORPUSTANIAN: Are you meaning to tell me they’ve destroyed their C-Unit!?
TRINK: Well the last time the C-Unit gave a recording it was on…
CORPUSTANIAN: Klongtdt.
ARCURI: Ladies and gentlepuddles of the council. I put it to you… That this supposedly incompetent ambassador team is actually the key to the rebellion.
[Kassu gasps]
CORPUSTANIAN: The tax man is right!
ARCURI: That’s me I’m the tax man.
JOEY: Famously Councilor Arcuri you are.
KASSU: You’re such a stickler about money!
TRINK: You are the tax man.
CORPUSTANIAN: You’re in charge of taxation and finance!
ARCURI: Also my side hustle is that I’m a paperback writer.
TRINK: Of course, of course.
CORPUSTANIAN: We all have side hustles.
TRINK: We all have side hustles!
TRINK: What do we do?
CORPUSTANIAN: What is there to do? Who is the superior officer on the delegator?
RUNFF: Let’s see here he is, where’s his photo.. Nope, he’s not in the photo…
TRINK: So small you have to scroll down.
[The holo scrolls down to reveal Nermut’s smiling face]
KASSU: His smile is infectious!
TRINK: He does have a very infectious smile.
CORPUSTANIAN: Indeed!
RUNFF: Yes. It looks like… no, he can’t still be a Junior Missions Operations Manager…
TRINK: We’ve got a Junior Missions Operations Manager running this?
ARCURI: At the very least a Missions Operations Manager
JOEY: He’s too old! He’s too old to be a Junior Missions Operator.
TRINK: A Junior Missions Operations Manager is a perfect cover in order to… hide a cunning mind.
JOEY: Exactly…
TRINK: Listen, we have hundreds and hundreds of ambassador groups do we not? RUNFF: Of course, we have plenty. We can just cut out this cancer immediately.
ARCURI: Yes, yes.
CORPUSTANIAN: There’s only one thing for it. We must find this Junior Missions Operations Manager, terminate him immediately, and find the Bargarean Jade.
TRINK: Alcuri, this is where your deviousness may come in handy.
ARCURI: Yes… Every Federated Alliance ambassadorial vessel has a bomb planted aboard it. Controlled from this console right here.
CORPUSTANIAN: Then go ahead, press the button!
ARCURI: No!
CORPUSTANIAN: What?
ARCURI: No, we must…
CORPUSTANIAN: Fine, I’ll press it.
TRINK: No, no, no!
ARCURI: Don’t press it.
CORPUSTANIAN: No listen, we’ve already established exactly what needs to happen. I’m just going to press the button.
ARCURI: No, no, no it’s my console, you won’t press the button.
TRINK: Maybe they’ll lead us back to the rebellion.
ARCURI: We won’t detonate the Bargarean Jade…
CORPUSTANIAN: Oh I see
ARCURI: Until we have our hands on this Nermut Bundaloy
TRINK: Well I’ll send a troop of C.L.I.N.T.s as soon as possible. Whatever happens, the ambassador team of C-53 and…
KASSU: The pink one
EVERYONE: The pink one
TRINK: Yes. They will meet their doom.
CORPUSTANIAN: Is he pink though? Is he really-
TRINK: He’s pink enough.
RUNFF: He’s pink enough.
ARCURI: Is something wrong with your display, he’s clearly pink.
TRINK: Let me adjust your contrast.
CORPUSTANIAN: He’s pink-ish. I mean he’s more pink than say he is, blue.
RUNFF: He’s pink.
TRINK: You wouldn’t call him blue, you’d call him pink.
JOEY: Let’s all take a vote. Pink?
[Everyone mutters agreements]
TRINK: Yes. Whatever happens, we will quash the ambassadors and bring the rule of the Council of Syxx to the Zyxx Quadrant, forever!
[Everyone cackles maniacally]
KASSU: We’re all laughing because of that joke we thought of before
ARCURI: No, it’s ominous laughter
RUNFF: It’s ominous laughter, baby.
TRINK: It’s a mood laughter.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5 credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.
Councillor Phoebe Runff was played by Seth Lin
Councillor Monica Kassu was played by Moujan Zolfaghari
Councillor Ross Corpustanian was played by Alden Ford
Councillor Joey Joey was played by Allie Kokesh
Councillor Rachel Arcuri was played by Jeremy Bent
Councillor Chandler Trink and Councillor Gunther Ballwheat were played by Winston Noel
This episode of Mission to Zynxx was recorded in the Stately O’Connell mansion in Brooklyn by engineer Shane O’Connell
This episode edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell
Music by Brendan Ryan
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley
Ship design of the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by AudioBoom. Thanks, AudioBoom!
Would you like to represent Councilor Joey Joey? Please e-mail us at crew@missiontozyxx.space