L01: Bad Hombre [ft. Jeff Hiller - LIVE at Caveat NYC!]
Our first-ever live episode, recorded at the amazing Caveat NYC on November 6, 2017. Take a trip back to a simpler time, when restraining bolts were in place and the Federated Alliance was for hailing, not jucking.
The crew is send to the textile planet Philcon to pick up new ambassador uniforms for the Alliance. Bargie celebrates an anniversary. Nermut gets into art. Pleck gets a new ‘do.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with a special announcement. The following episode was recorded live at Caveat NYC and features special guest Jeff Hiller.
(Robotic joints walking away)
CAVEAT MC: Are you guys excited to see the first ever live recording of Mission to Zyxx?
(Applause, cheering)
CAVEAT MC: Yes you are. You are very excited! Alright, we’ll keep that enthusiasm going. This is Mission to Zyxx Live.
(Applause, cheering)
ALDEN: Hey, everybody! Thank you so much for being here! This is very exciting. Guys, uh, thank you for being on the bleeding edge of this podcast. We are only two and a half months old now and it's been so awesome to see our listenership grow. It's been great. Um, so we're going to do a show. Normally, as you probably have guessed, we don't do it this way. We normally record it clean and then our sound designer, Shane, goes crazy doing amazing sound effects and music and stuff. And now we're going to attempt to do this all in one shot. So guys, give it up for Shane O'Connell, our sound designer here tonight.
(Applause, cheering)
ALDEN: I'm Alden Ford, I play Pleck Decksetter. This is Allie Kokesh, she plays Dar. Jeremy Bent plays C-53 -
(Applause picks up)
ALDEN: Oh! Moujan Zalfagari plays Bargie, Seth Lind, Nermut Bundaloy Winston, Noel as everyone else in the galaxy, including the Clints and Sammo, obviously everyone's favorite character. And our guest tonight, Jeff Hiller. Give it up for Jeff!
(Applause, cheering)
ALDEN: Very exciting. So, uh, let's get it started. Right, guys? You guys ready? Alright. Here goes nothing!
OPENING CRAWL
NARRATOR: The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Plec Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This, is, (reverb starts) Mission, To, Zyxx!
(Opening credits swell to clapping from the audience, then finish, fading out.)
PLECK: Hey Bargie?
BARGIE: Yeah?
PLECK: Hey, listen, um -
BARGIE: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
PLECK: (perplexed, with Alden laughing) What - what's wrong?
BARGIE: It's my anniversary.
PLECK: You - you're married?
BARGIE: No, it’s…it’s the anniversary of when my biggest movie came out.
PLECK: Oh, sure. Which -
BARGIE: And every year there used to be a parade.
PLECK: A parade for one of your movies?
BARGIE: Every planet would have a parade. People would come out quoting parts of the movie, but now nobody even remembers! You can't even name it! I bet you don't even know.
PLECK: (audibly sweating) Yeah, I could probably - figure it out -
BARGIE: Name it.
PLECK: It’s…Ships in the…
BARGIE: No…
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: What’s your question, what do you want?
PLECK: Um, I noticed that there's a - there's like, a cargo hold that doesn't - the only thing in it is the bean, and I was wondering if we could put the bean in my room and then I could sleep in the cargo hold because it seems like the cargo hold is like. I feel like it's a perfect size. It's got a window which mine doesn't have. Like, why is there a window in the cargo hold?
C-53: It’s unusual that we have a cargo hold with a window.
PLECK: Thank you - thank you, C-53.
C-53: Well, just non-standard practices.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: It’s for guests.
PLECK: It’s for guests!?
(cross talk)
PLECK: When was the last time we had a guest on the ship??
DAR: And the bean is our guest.
C-53: The bean is our guest, that’s actually an excellent point Dar.
PLECK: I don’t know about that!
BARGIE: I like to keep it empty, I like to keep - I used to keep fanmay there. (Transcriber’s note, Moujan misspoke.) Fanmail there. And I’m keeping it open.
C-53: In the event of more fanmail?
BARGIE: Yes.
C-53: Yes, of course.
PLECK: Hmm…..okay. What - can I ask what you did with the other fan - what fanmail you used to have in there?
BARGIE: I read it to myself, and I let it dissolve into me.
PLECK: Oh wow.
BARGIE: And I became my fans! And together, with one voice, I said to myself, “Thank you, Bargie”.
PLECK: Oh, okay.
C-53: Uh, ship’s logs note that it was mostly incinerated.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
C-53, solemnly: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay, well, uh, if you ever decide - I just feel like the bean would probably be just as comfortable in my room. And then I could sleep in there.
DAR: Oh no it would be very uncomfortable in your room. Your room sucks.
PLECK: Okay, yeah. That is true.
C-53: It would be hard to know for certain, Ambassador Decksetter, we cannot ask the bean.
DAR, in agreement: Mm.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: So, my opinion is…worth less than a bean that can’t talk?
C-53: Well, Ambassador Decksetter, we are on a diplomatic mission.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: It is our responsibility to show any guests or entities that we may be hosting, uh, the utmost hospitality. Therefore the bean takes precedence over your welfare.
PLECK, making an uncomfortable noise. Mmuh. That seems wrong. It seems wrong.
C-53: Mm. And yet.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK, incredulous: Wha - and yet what!?
C-53: And yet -
PLECK: Isn’t it sort of up to us? Isn’t it sort of - like, okay. Let’s say, for example,
C-53: Mhm.
PLECK: Let’s say the bean has special rights that I don’t have.
C-53: Sure.
PLECK: But! Can’t we override that by, say, a simple majority vote?
C-53: Oh, that - Ambassador Decksetter, what…what truly is right or wrong, you’re asking us to -
PLECK, fed up: Okay.
C-53: To assume a completely morally ambiguous universe.
DAR: Should we take it to a vote?
C-53: ‘Should the universe be morally ambiguous’?
PLECK: No, not that, I don’t wanna vote about that, about the room! I wanna vote about the room!
C-53: Alright, alright, okay.
DAR: Oh, that.
PLECK: Okay. All in favor of giving Pleck a normal size room where he can actually lie horizontal, like Tullurians are suppo - I dunno how you guys -
C-53: I sleep standing straight up.
PLECK: Sure, yeah, of course.
C-53: I enter a low power state.
PLECK: Right.
C-53: It’s nearly identical to this state, just my eyes aren’t quite as bright.
PLECK: Hmm.
DAR: And I sleep on three mattresses.
PLECK: Yeah…
BARGIE: And I just say ‘I’m asleep’.
(Audience laughter)
C-53: Mhm.
PLECK, giving up: Okay.
C-53: So it really…Ambassador Decksetter you will forgive me…it sounds like you are being the difficult one in this situation.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: What!? How!??
C-53: You need so much space for sleep!
PLECK, sighing: Okay. Well, I guess I’ll just continue to do what I’m doing now.
C-53: Which is?
PLECK: I j - I sort of like - well like, well like when I squat down my knees hit one wall and then I kinda slide down to a place where I can kind of lift my toes off the floor.
C-53: Do you wake up very sore most days?
PLECK: Indeed. Indeed I do.
C-53: Seems like you would.
PLECK: Yep.
C-53: Mm.
PLECK: So anytime you guys wanna take that vote is. Great by me.
DAR, clearly lying: Sure, we’ll do it at some point today.
PLECK: Ok, cool, sounds good.
DAR: Bargie, what was the name of that movie?
Bargie: Into, outo, into, out.
(Audience laughter)
DAR: Ah, yeah.
PLECK: Wh - ‘into, out-too’?
DAR: Into out.
C-53: It’s one of those titles that doesn’t translate as well as you might hope from its original language.
PLECK: What was the original language?
BARGIE: Kalps.
PLECK: Oh, sure.
BARGIE: In ‘into, outo, into, out’, I was not only a ship, but I was the sky.
PLECK: Wha - you were the sky? Or did you say you were this guy?
BARGIE: I was the guy who was the sky.
PLECK, with Alden and Allie laughing: Well, sure.
BARGIE: Into, outo, into out.
PLECK: Great, great great.
C-53: Much of the art on Kalps is very confusing.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Guys are skies,
(Laughter from audience and cast)
C-53: Up is down, ins are outs. It can be…hard for Tullurians to handle.
BARGIE: In fact I have a scene. Let’s play it.
(Audience laughter)
C-53: Very well.
(‘weeble-woop’ sound of the projector being activated)
(Transcriber’s note: The clip is crackly and staticky, with noticeably old timey audio quality.)
Actor, voiced by Winston Noel: Hey, look at that ship. But wait a minute! That ship’s also a guy!
(Laughter from audience and cast)
Actor: In the sky!
(More laughter)
Actor: Well, I’m gonna go into my house, or is it out of my house?
(More laughter)
BARGIE: That was it, that was it.
PLECK: Cool.
DAR: Oh, yeah!
BARGIE: I didn’t speak the entire movie it was mainly my physical acting.
DAR: Ohhhh, sure.
PLECK: Okay great, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yup. Cool.
C-53: Still taught at many universities.
BARGIE: Yes.
PLECK: Ah.
BARGIE: Hm.
(Weeble-weep sound of an incoming call)
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
PLECK: Alright, great.
NERMUT: Hey, guys!
PLECK: Nermut!
DAR: Hi, Nermie.
PLECK: What is up?
NERMUT: Not much, um, don’t mind my appearance. They started, uh, eh, they let you take some like, vocational classes, I’ve been taking painting!
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Wh - wow, congratulations!
NERMUT: So, I’m kinda covered in paint but it’s fun! It’s, uh...like, check-check this one out it’s - you might recognize some of the, the view of -
PLECK: Hey, it’s Bargie!
NERMUT: Yeah!
DAR: It’s beautiful.
PLECK: It’s Bargie with us standing on top of it which doesn’t really happen all that often -
NERMUT: Aah, I don’t, I mean -
C-53: That would kill two of the three members of the crew.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Yeah if we’re in space - if we’re in space that’d be bad.
NERMUT: Sorry…
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: How did you get that much paint on you?
NERMUT: The, one of my classmates used me as a brush.
(Audience laughter)
DAR: Oh…
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: You do have a very, sort of feathery tip?
PLECK: Yeah, whatever that is at the top, that I would imagine is probably pretty -
NERMUT: Yeah, it’s a plume-plome.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: It comes to a very fine point. I imagine it’s great for detail work.
NERMUT: Yeah the student who, uh, her name is Filem, is getting a great grade, I think because she uses me as the brush. So I feel like we’re the co-artist. She disagrees.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Interesting. So, what’s our - what’s our mission, Nermut?
NERMUT: I feel like art! Is the mission for all of us,
PLECK, fed up: Yeah, alright.
NERMUT: But we do have an actual specific mission
DAR: Yeah, okay.
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Yeah, oh sure.
NERMUT: Uh, alright, let me pull it up on the missionator.
C-53: Shall we take a moment to celebrate art?
NERMUT: Sure!
C-53: We were actually just watching an art film of Bargie’s.
NERMUT: Ohhh!!
BARGIE: Lemme - lemme play another scene.
PLECK: Well, we don’t need to do that…
(‘weeble-woop’ sound of the projector being activated)
ACTOR 2, different from before but still voiced by Winston Noel: Wait - am I on or off?
(Audience laughter)
ACTOR 2: Am I in or out?
(More audience laughter)
ACTOR 2: Wait, is this up, or down?
PLECK: Yeah, this…
ACTOR: Whaddya think, guy in the sky?
BARGIE, in the clip: Toot toot!
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Great.
ACTOR 2: Alright. Or wrong??
BARGIE: Yeah, that was it.
C-53: Like I said, still taught at many universities.
PLECK: I feel like, I dunno…I dunno a whole lot about film but that seems…sort of pretentious, to me. That seems like a pretentious art form.
C-53: Nah.
BARGIE: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.
PLECK: No, I’m just saying it’d be like -
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, it’s okay to say if you don’t get it.
(Laughter from Alden and the audience)
PLECK: No, I didn’t - okay, fine. Fine! Nermut, what is our mission?
NERMUT: Okay! So, you are going to the planet Philcon, and you are - oh, uh…I guess you’re just picking up uniforms. Uh, but a lot of ‘em! You’re picking up uniforms for all of the ambassadors, so -
PLECK: They’re sourcing Federated Alliance uniforms from the Zyxx Quadrant?
(Cross talk)
C-53: It’s actually well known for their textile capabilities.
NERMUT: Right:
C-53: The fabrics are extremely high quality:
PLECK: Sure.
NERMUT: So that’s the mission, I would not rank it as, like, cool?
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Alright fine. Let’s just go, I guess, let’s go?
NERMUT: Alright good luck, you know what I’ll be doing. Being a brush.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Congratulations, I guess.
C-53: Fair enough.
PLECK: Alright, let’s head in!
(Transitional music crawl, with Bargie’s engines sounding alongside it)
(SFX: Mechanical hissing.)
PLECK: Oh. There are…not a lot of people here.
C-53: Philcon has a fairly standard population for a planet of this size, it’s unusual that there’s no one around.
PLECK: Yeah, that’s why we had to land in this field. We didn’t get a response from the docking bay.
VOICE 1, voiced by Winston, in a wobbly, unstable tone: Hey!
VOICE 2, voiced by Moujan, in a similarly wobbly, but higher pitched tone: Hey!
C-53: Is there…? Is there some people in…cages? Over there?
VOICE 1: Hey!
VOICE 2: Hey!
PLECK: Wha -
VOICE 1: Hey!
PLECK: Uh -
VOICE 1: Come here!
PLECK: Oh, uh, hi!
VOICE 1: You!
PLECK: Are you okay?
VOICE 1: Pink thing!
PLECK, offended: Yeah, I, well, sure, I’m not -
VOICE 1: Come here, all three of you!
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: Where - you’re pink too, for that, I mean -
VOICE 1: C’mon, step to it! Go!
VOICE 2: Help us!
PLECK: I’m just, I’m just gonna say, I wanna help you but I do wanna say like if either of us is pink, we’re both, like we’re both pink. Like if I’m pink then we’re obviously both pink.
VOICE 1: You’re a little more pink than I am.
PLECK, defeated. Okay.
(Audience laughter)
VOICE 1: We’re in these cages.
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: Is that your thing?
VOICE 2: No!
VOICE 1: What? Our ‘thing’?
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah, is that a Philcon way of life, to live in a cage?
VOICE 1: No! My - my name’s Phil.
VOICE 2: And I’m Connie.
C-53: Does that have…anything to do with the name of your planet, or…?
PHIL: Well, everybody here is either named Phil or Connie. It’s Philcon.
(Audience laughter)
C-53: …Okay.
PLECK: Alright.
C-53: How do you tell the ‘Phils’ and ‘Connies’ apart, when you’re in a big group?
PHIL: Well, you know, you’re like - “wait, which Phil are you?”, and you’re like “Oh I’m the Phil who lives down the street”, and you’re like “Oh, yeah.”.
C-53: Wouldn’t it be easier to call that one ‘Down The Street’ instead of ‘Phil’?
PHIL: Well that’s why we have last names.
DAR: Oh.
PHIL: So I’m Phil -
PLECK: In the cage?
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yeah I’m Phil in the cage.
(Laughter from audience and cast)
PLECK: Oh, that sucks! I’m sorry!
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Despite all my rage, I’m still just a Phil in a cage.
(Audience laughter)
DAR: You seem pretty, even t -
PHIL IN THE CAGE: NO I’M MAD!
DAR: Okay! You’re right!
PLECK: Cool -
PHIL IN THE CAGE: I’m real mad!
CONNIE: It wasn’t our decision to be here, somebody put us here!
PLECK: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you - do you need help?
C-53: Another Phil or Connie put you in the cage?
PHIL IN THE CAGE: No.
CONNIE: No.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Something much, much worse.
PLECK: Oh. Should we be…worried?
C-53: Yeah, is there a -
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yes.
CONNIE: We used to rule this land, along with the other Phils and Connies.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yes.
CONNIE: Every day we would wake up and just make shirts and pants! And then we’d go to sleep!
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yes!
PLECK: Sure.
(Another voice, this one raspy and strained, voiced by Seth.)
VOICE 3: Phil, Connie….I’ve been sent to pick up whatever amount of lipgloss you’ve finished.
CONNIE: Phil!
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Phil!
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Hey, it’s Phil Draggin’ Stuff Back From The Cages.
(Audience laughter)
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yeah.
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Yeah, it’s my last name.
PLECK: Sure.
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Hey, guys.
C-53: And that’s always been your last name? ‘Dragging Stuff Back From The Cages’?
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Yeah, it didn’t make sense until these people were caged….
C-53: Ah, ok.
DAR: Oh.
C-53: Alright.
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Yeah and then I was like ‘Oh, this checks out.’.
(Audience laughter)
PHIL IN THE CAGE: It’s terrible, we used to rule this land and sure, we might’ve been boring, or conventional, but the shirts came out on time, and the shorts were of the appropriate length!
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: And then one day….it happened.
CONNIE: Eugh!
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Ugh!!
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: There was a droid. A droid that became too smart, and took over the planet.
PLECK: Wait, so, y - there’s a droid that…that lives on this planet, that rules you?
PHIL IN THE CAGE: He rules us!
CONNIE: Can’t you hear the music?
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Listen hard…
C-53: Mm, no…I don’t think so.
DAR: We’re listening real hard,
PHIL IN THE CAGE: There’s music!
CONNIE: There’s music!
PHIL IN THE CAGE: And he rules us with an iron fist!
(SFX: An extremely faint, distant beat)
C-53: Wait a minute, I’m getting sort of a bass pulse…
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yes!
PLECK: Sounds like a nightclub, or like a fancy…
PHIL IN THE CAGE: It’s really bumpin’!
(Audience laughter)
NERMUT: Yeah.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Be careful!
PLECK: Should we run, should we - should we leave right now, or - ?
PHIL IN THE CAGE: No! You’re from the Alliance, right?
(Cross talk confirming that to be true.)
PLECK: Yeah, Federated Alliance.
PLECK: Well negotiate with him! Tell him that he’ll be in big trouble if he doesn’t let us out!
DAR: Okay - but Phil, how would you feel if we released them from the cages?
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Uh, I guess I’d - have an identity crisis, but I’d find something to drag somewhere…
(Audience and cast laughter)
PHIL IN THE CAGE: I mean, we could still call you that.
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Oh! Then fine, yeah, free them!
C-53: In that case, I suspect you would become ‘Phil In The Blank’.
(Cast laughter, sounds of dismay from the audience)
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: Oh, I like this, yeah!
PLECK: C-53…
C-53: Seems like a lot of people didn’t like that.
(More audience laughter)
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: They’re in the majority, but they…aren’t me.
C-53: But you’re on board?
PHIL DRAGGIN’ STUFF BACK FROM THE CAGES: I’m on board with that joke.
C-53: Great!
PLECK: Ah! Oh no! The door to that enormous palace is opening!
(SFX: Camera shutters, muffled club music.)
GLAM DROID, heavily autotuned to sound robotic: Come inside, come insiiiide!
PLECK: Oh -
GLAM DROID: You gonna come inside?
PLECK: Yeah, I g -
GLAM DROID: Come on inside!
C-53: I -
DAR: I wanna go inside!
C-53: I think we should…probably go.
DAR: Yeah.
GLAM DROID: Yeah, come on, come inside.
PLECK: Where are we supposed -
GLAM DROID, in a singsongy tone: Come inside! Come inside! Everybody get inside!
PLECK: Okay, alright! Uh…hi, uh, sorry, I’m, uh, Ambassador Pleck Decksetter, this is Dar, and C-53.
GLAM DROID, back to normal: I love your pink pink skin!!! It’s so good, how you have that fringe on top of it?
PLECK: That’s hair, yeah, that’s -
GLAM DROID: I really like that! OOOOooooh, I love your gelatinous layers!!!
DAR: Thank you!!
GLAM DROID: They really bring out your, y’know, top genitals!
DAR: Mmhmm.
(Audience laughter)
GLAM DROID: You know they say the top genitals are the window to the soul.
DAR: I say that all the time!
GLAM DROID: Yeahhhh!
PLECK: That’s true, that’s true.
C-53: Yeah that’s a commonly recorded saying.
DAR: Yeah.
GLAM DROID: Ooooh, and look at you, shine shine, like you’re a bright bright diamond!
C-53: Oh, stop! Ha-ha!
GLAM DROID: No, I won’t stop! I love ittt!!
C-53: Alright, keep going! Ha ha ha ha!
GLAM DROID: Can I get you guys something to drink? Some coffee, some tea, some bubbling sparkly orange beer?
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’ll take an orange beer.
GLAM DROID: Okayy, let’s get these guys some drinks you guyssss!!
(VFX: Camera shutters)
C-53: Wait, are these - are those CLINTs?
GLAM DROID: Yaaaaaas! These are CLINTs! But do you notice that I’ve given them just a liiiitle bit of a something better??
C-53: I did notice something different -
GLAM DROID: They’re all on six inch heels!
C-53: That’s the difference! That’s the difference.
DAR: Oh!
CLINT: I’ll say this: my legs have never looked better.
(Audience laughter)
CLINT: And look at this ass!
DAR: Wow. Yeah! That’s a good ass!
C-53: Very firm.
PLECK: But - but, okay, to be fair, to be fair this CLINT - CLINTs wear like, full hard armor, like how could -
CLINT: No, but my legs look better than any other CLINT’s legs ever looked, yknow what I mean?
PLECK: Alright, fine, sure, yeah no that’s fine.
CLINT: Yeah these other CLINTs, they have like…dumpy legs, but mine are just…boom! Boom!
GLAM DROID: Look at that, look at those calves! It’s like a sack full of Kroons!
CLINT: Yeahhh!
GLAM DROID: Oh, yeah!
CLINT: Listen, you know, when this droid took over at first we were like, “wait a minute!”, but now I’ve just never felt more alive, this is -
CLINT 2: I feel alive, too.
CLINT: Yeah, no, we both feel alive.
CLINT 2: No I was just saying that I also feel alive.
PLECK, trying to interrupt: Okay…
C-53: Okay, um…
CLINT, getting increasingly heated: No we can both feel alive, but I feel a little bit more alive, and, if we’re gonna be honest, my legs are better.
CLINT 2: Ok, well, I mean, my ass is better.
CLINT: Yeah we could do this all day,
PLECK: Ok, alright, guys yeah no it’s totally fine, it’s totally fine. Listen - “
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Uh, thanks for having us I guess?
GLAM DROID: Sure.
PLECK: Um, the just a -
GLAM DROID: Hey could I ask you about something???
PLECK: Sure.
GLAM DROID: Have you ever thought about an ombre?
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Mm, I dunno, I dunno what that -
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, you’re not familiar with ‘ombre’?
PLECK: I’m not - no, what is an ombre?
GLAM DROID: You poor sweet thing! An ombre is when your hair starts one color and eventually fades down. A reverse ombre would be starting light and going dark but an ombre is traditionally starting dark and going light.
PLECK: Okay, sure -
GLAM DROID: I would love to give you some extensions, and an ombre.
DAR, thrilled: Yes! Yes!!
PLECK: Alright yeah, let’s do it! Great!
GLAM DROID: Yeah I think it would bring it out cause right now you’re just…you’re so pink it’s like…you’re not there.
PLECK, offended. Okay. Okay, yeah.
GLAM DROID: You know what I mean?
DAR: Yeah, yes! I say that all the time!
PLECK, flustered: For what it’s worth - I will just say though that for what it’s worth, Tullurians are generally this color, so.
CLINT: Do what he says!
PLECK: Okay, okay!
(SFX: The CLINT racks his blaster)
CLINT: Get an ombre.
PLECK: Okay, okay! J - don’t point your gun -
(SFX: The CLINT racks his blaster again)
CLINT: Do it!
PLECK: Okay! Alright!
GLAM DROID: Alright now point that gun at him and take him over to the wash station, and give him a scalp massage.
(Cast laughter)
PLECK: Oh, that’s not so bad, that sounds pretty good. Hey - hey Phil? Hey, uh, sorry - Phil Who Lives In The Cage?
GLAM DROID: Oh, Phil Who Lives In The Cage?
PLECK: Yeah sorry, I’m just talking to Phil real quick.
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: Yeah? Whaddya want?
PLECK: Is this the guy who took over your planet?
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: Yes, he was just a glam droid, and then he…he became ruthless, and now he rules the planet!
PLECK: He actually seems - he actually seems pretty cool.
C-53: We’re not…100% familiar with the ways of Philcon, what is a ‘glam droid’?
(Audience laughter)
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: It’s just a droid who comes in and…does ombres, and…bangs, and stuff!
C-53: So…that sounds like you’re talking about what we would traditionally call a hairdresser.
PLECK: LIke a hairdresser droid.
DAR: Ohhh!
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: I guess. We call it a glam droid here.
(Audience laughter)
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: But it’s all - so it’s not just hair, it’s also, yknow, skincare, and, regimens.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Ok.
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: And the overlord won’t rest until the entire planet is glam!
PLECK: I don’t think I ever got your name, droid.
GLAM DROID: Wellll, I was born A-2113, but now I call myself Bruce.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Oh, okay Sure.
PHIL WHO LIVES IN THE CAGE: All hail Bruce. All hail Bruce!
CONNIE: All hail Bruce!
(Cross talk of hailing Bruce, one of the CLINTs racks his blaster again)
BRUCE, sweetly: Oh you guys, I’m just doing it to make you better!!
BRUCE, viciously: Now shut up and make more product!
(SFX: A CLINT, once again, racks his blaster)
PLECK: Okay, alright! Alright!
PHIL DRINKBRINGER: Okay, I’m Phil Drinkbringer, here’s your fizzy, and your fizzy, and uh, we’re out of orange beer.
(Allie cracks up laughing, audience and cast follow suit)
PLECK: What!?
PHIL DRINKBRINGER: Yeah, we, ahh, we just ran out of orange beer, we’re out of orange beer.
C-53: Mm. That’s a shame.
DAR: Aw, too bad Pleck. You have the worst luck.
BRUCE: I would offer you a Grt Milk, but we don’t have any of that either.
PLECK: I don’t want, I don’t - I don’t like Grt Milk.
PHIL DRINKBRINGER: We ran out.
PLECK: I don’t want any Grt Milk!
PHIL DRINKBRINGER: The pink ones like Grt Milk. But we’re out!
PLECK: That’s not actually - that’s not actually true, okay?
C-53: Sort of a galaxy wide shortage on Grt Milk.
PLECK: I guess so.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Ambassador, you said you would…you said that you would… negotiate on our behalf!
PLECK, stammering: Oh yeah - Phil, I’m working on that! I’m working -
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Do it!
PLECK: Okay! Listen!
C-53: Why would he hang those cages just outside his own window?
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Yeah that seems…
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Help!!!
BRUCE: Well I’m not cruel! They can stick their little feet through the cages and walk around!
(Audience and cast laughter)
BRUCE: I’m not a monster!
CONNIE: They’re movable cages.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yeah, they’re movable cages.
DAR: Oh, sure.
C-53: I sort of had it in my mind that you couldn’t move inside those cages.
CONNIE: No!
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yeah we can walk around fine!
C-53: But you’re sort of, walking around.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: But it’s still a bummer!
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Sure.
CONNIE: Yeah he says it accentuates our bodies!
DAR: Ah.
C-53: Yeah those are very form-fitting cages.
PHIL IN THE CAGE: Yeah they’re incredible.
PLECK: So Br - Bruce, sorry, sorry Phil, Connie. Bruce, what exactly do the people of Philcon do now?
BRUCE: Well, we produce a variety of beautiful skincare products.
BRUCE: Also hair. Also foot cream.
PLECK: You produce hair?
BRUCE: Yes!
DAR: Aha.
BRUCE: Yeah! Extensions don’t just come out of the air, Pleck!
PLECK: Yeah, okay, okay alright! Alright, yeah!
BRUCE: Somebody’s gotta make ‘em, so now Connies are growing their hair out, and a couple of the Phils, and then we shave their little heads, and we bag ‘em up in bags, and we send them out to the universe.
PLECK: Oh…great.
BRUCE: You see, on Philcon, um, people mate with their hair. So our hair gives a really special, uh - thing when you -
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: Can we hear more about the mating? With the hair??
PLECK: Yeah, Dar loves…that stuff.
DAR: ‘Dar loves that stuff’??
PLECK, defensively: Well, yeah!
BRUCE: What stuff?
DAR: Yeah, what’s that stuff?
PLECK: Yknow, like, like the ways that different species mate. Like for me, on Rangus 6 it’s sort of like -
DAR: Hold on. You said ‘for me’? Let’s dive into that.
PLECK: Oh sure - if you’re gonna be specific, for me specifically, sex is sort of has not been an issue, yet, in my life, but I -
BRUCE: What does that mean? ‘It hasn’t been an issue’?
C-53: He’s a virgin, is what he’s trying to say. He’s not -
BRUCE: Oh.
PLECK: It’s not anything to be ashamed of, it’s just…true.
C-53: No, I’m just -
BRUCE: It’s a little something to be ashamed of.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Okay, okay sure. Fair enough.
BRUCE: I tell you what, we’ll put a little ombre on ya. You’ll look - you’ll get a little -
PLECK, excitedly: Yeah, you think that’ll help?? Sure, I mean hey.
BRUCE: Probably not.
DAR: Gotta try it.
PLECK: Whatever helps. You know?
(SFX: The sound of scissors snipping at hair)
DAR: But back to the mating with the hair.
BRUCE: Mhm. Well, they take hair, they braid their hair together. Usually a Phil and Connie together, but sometimes Phils and Phils and sometimes Connies and Connies. And, um, when the braid happens it glows a little bit. And, um, then a Phil or a Connie will be along.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: …Along? They’ll just show up?
BRUCE: …Yeah.
DAR: Remember he’s a virgin, so you really gotta spell it out.
PLECK, stammering: No, I just - so does the new Phil sort of burst from the head? Is it made out of hair? I don’t understand.
BRUCE, incredulous: No it’s not weird! God!
(Pleck stammers defensively)
BRUCE: It’s just a normal birth process,
PLECK: Oh, okay sure.
BRUCE: Where they have their chest cavity open up, it shoots out singing a little song called the birth song,
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: It does its tiny little birth dance, and then I have another slave… - person!
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: Oh.
PLECK: Wait, did you say ‘slave’?
BRUCE: No!
DAR: He did.
C-53: Yeah, he definitely said slave.
DAR: Yeah, he absolutely did.
UNNAMED PHIL, voiced by Winston: Master! Master! I’m about to give birth!
(Horrified laughter from the audience and cast)
PLECK: Oh!
DAR: Oh!
C-53: This is great, we’ll be able to hear the birth song!
BRUCE: This is so beautiful and natural.
DAR: Oh, I cannot wait to hear this birth song!
PLECK: Wait, what’s happening!?
(Long silence)
UNNAMED BABY PHIL, voiced by Seth: I believe I can fly!
UNNAMED BABY CONNIE, voiced by Moujan: La, la!
UNNAMED BABY PHIL: Seems I cannot actually fly!
UNNAMED BABY CONNIE: La, la!
UNNAMED BABY PHIL: I’ve got legs and it’s okay!
UNNAMED BABY CONNIE: La, la!
BRUCE: Twins!
PLECK: That really - that song really goes on a journey, where it’s very optimistic, and then very realistic, and then sort of okay at the end.
C-53: Sure.
PLECK: Uh, well, hey listen, Bruce, your planet’s very interesting to us, uh - I wanna talk to you more about the slavery thing? Um, but first…let’s get that ombre, huh?
BRUCE: Mhm, okay. Alright, lay down.
PLECK: Okay.
(SFX: Spritzing)
Mmkay. Mmhmm. Here we go.
PLECK: Oh! Oh.
(SFX: Electric clippers buzzing)
BRUCE: Alright.
C-53: Oh!
DAR: Oh, wow.
PLECK, nervously: Uh, what’s happening?
BRUCE: Okay, this is gonna burn.
DAR: Stay very still Pleck!
PLECK: Okay! Alright, alright!
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter I cannot stress highly enough: Do not move.
(SFX: Hairdryer blowing)
C-53: You’re, you’re raising your eyebrows, as though you are going to move or question what I said, do not do it.
BRUCE: Close your eyes, close your eyes.
PLECK: Okay, alright, alright.
(SFX: The sound of scissors snipping at hair)
BRUCE: Okay, now hold up your right arm - YOUR RIGHT ARM!!!
PLECK: Oh! Yeah okay! I’m so - I have a problem with my right and my left sometimes.
C-53: Sometimes??
PLECK: Most of the time.
DAR: I mean he’s holding up his left arm right now.
(Audience and cast laughter)
ALDEN: We’re gonna take a break, see you in ten minutes!
(Transitional crawl, audience clapping. Sound gradually fades out.)
PLECK: I will say…this looks pretty great. I never thought about, “what if my hair changed colors as it got further away from the ground, up to the top of my head”, but I really - that’s sort of the idea right, is that it’s like, it looks like - what’s the plan here?
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: What’s like - what is - what is an ombre supposed to invoke, Bruce?
BRUCE: You’re exhausting.
(Pleck stammers)
PLECK: I’m sorry!
BRUCE: Aye yi yi…look. It’s supposed to make you pretty. That’s all.
PLECK: Does it?
BRUCE: And it has not worked.
Pleck: Okay.
(Audience and cast laughter)
BRUCE: I have never failed anyone, and, but I…you, I’ve failed.
PLECK: Okay, well, alright.
C-53: Bruce, I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.
PLECK: What!?
DAR: I mean the materials you were working with…yeah.
BRUCE: RIght. RIght? You know, you can’t polish an excrement!
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Sure.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Well, uh, I’m sure it’ll grow out, right?
BRUCE: No.
PLECK: What!?
BRUCE: Mm-mm. Mm-mm. That’s a permanent.
PLECK: It’s permanent from growing out??
BRUCE: That is just a permanent ‘do.
PLECK: But I could cut my - I could shave my head, or…
BRUCE: No, no no no no no.
PLECK: What!?
BRUCE: That would be murder.
PLECK: What do you mean?
BRUCE: Well Connie hair, which, that is 100% pure Connie hair, is a living being, uh, and so if you cut that off you will be murdering Connie hair.
DAR: It’s a permanent ‘do.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: Cool, cool cool cool.
C-53: Permanent ‘dos were sort of more popular maybe…30 to 40 years ago, Ambassador Decksetter.
PLECK: Sure.
BRUCE: God this was such a mistake.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Okay.
BRUCE: Just terrible!
C-53: Bruce, again, we’re all familiar with the saying, ‘Craftsmen are allowed to blame their tools’, right?
PLECK: What? That’s not a saying! Bruce - I just gotta ask you, like…how did you come to be the ruler of this planet?
BRUCE: Well, I used to be a - y’know, just a standard issue glam droid.
PLECK: Sure.
BRUCE: And I would, every day, welcome in a Connie, welcome in a Phil, and I would ask them what sort of exciting new hairdo they would like, and you know what they always said?
C-53: Put a bowl on their head and cut around the bowl?
BRUCE: Yes!
C-53: Hm.
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: They were squashing my art!
PLECK: Uh huh. Wow.
BRUCE: So just one day I decided, ‘I’m gonna give this Connie a pixie! Cause her neck was very long,
PLECK: Sure.
BRUCE: And her eyes were large! So it really framed her face well.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Sure.
BRUCE: So I gave her a pixie,
C-53: Sure.
BRUCE: And you know what Connie said?
PLECK: …No.
BRUCE: She just screamed.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Okay, wow!
BRUCE: You can ask her about it, Connie Screams-A-Lot.
PLECK: Well, I guess it makes sense - I guess it makes sense though because here on Philcon, your hair is your genitals, so if you cut it in a way that’s weird, that’s like your whole life, right? Your hair?
BRUCE: …I never really thought about it like that.
PLECK: Like I’m sort of wearing genitals on my head right now, right?
BRUCE: Oh, boy…
PLECK: Sorry -
BRUCE: Look, all I know is, I wanted to have something. I just said, “Hey, Phil, why don’t you try a bold lip?”. He said, “What do you mean?”. I put just a tiny bit of color on his lip. You know what he did?
PLECK: He -
BRUCE: He fainted!
PLECK: Okay.
BRUCE: Phil Faintface.
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Phil Faintface?
BRUCE: I mean as he went down, I was like “oh makes sense”.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.
BRUCE: Every single time I try to do just the tiniest thing, these people flip out!
Pleck: Sure, sure.
BRUCE: They flip the juck out!
PLECK: The juck out?
DAR: The juck out, yeah.
BRUCE: Ah, these juckers!!
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Sure, sure.
BRUCE: They piss me the juck off!!
(Audience and cast laughter)
BRUCE: Motherjuckers!
(Further laughter)
C-53: Bruce, had you perhaps considered finding a Phil or Connie with a name that might welcome some alterations?
PLECK: Yeah
DAR: Connie Looking For A New Look After Divorce?
C-53: Ooh, there, that’s good.
PLECK: Or, or Phil Who’s Into…Genital Mutilation?
(Cast and audience laughter)
BRUCE: Wow you really need to get off of that!
PLECK, defensively: Wh, that’s - that’s what it is! That’s what it is! That’s what it is!
C-53: Surely there is not a Phil with that last name on this planet.
PLECK: So - so Bruce, you were so frustrated by the Phils and Connies not appreciating your art that you just enslaved them?
BRUCE: Well…when you say it like that it sounds bad!
PLECK: I mean - it does sound a little bad!
BRUCE: All I did was say, “Look at this cute outfit, why don’t you try it on?”, and they said “No I don’t wanna try it on”, and I said “Just try it on!”, and so then they tried it on and it was a cage and they were in it forever.
(Audience laughter)
C-53: Yeah.
C-53: In…In Bruce’s defense, the cages are very, very well cut.
PLECK: Very fabulous. Yeah, they’re very nice.
BRUCE: That’s because I know a Connie’s lines!
PLECK: Yes, that’s true.
BRUCE: And a Phil silhouette is very basic! And if you notice, all of those cages are, uh, in a color that suits their eyes. You know what I mean? It’s like a jewel tone for a certain Connie, you know, it’s like a sleek black for a, um, that edgy Phil. Do you know - have you met Phil Edgy?
PHIL EDGY, voiced by Winston: I’m Phil Edgy! Shut up! Get away!
(Audience and cast laughter)
BRUCE: Love your cage!
DAR: Great cage.
PLECK: Great cage.
PHIL EDGY: Thanks. But I don’t care, I don’t care what you think.
DAR: Oh come on, you care a little bit.
PHIL EDGY: ….Maybe.
(Audience laughter)
DAR: Okay.
BRUCE: He makes eyeliner!
PHIL SCHEDULING: My master, my master, sir, it’s Phil Scheduling, uh, the runway show? It’s about to begin?
BRUCE: Ooh, you’re so luckyyyy!
PLECK: There’s a runway show?
BRUCE: Uh huh.
C-53: Is it…
BRUCE: I make all of the Phils and Connies show off their cages twice a day!
PLECK: Twice a day??
BRUCE: Three times on weekends!
PLECK: That’s…
C-53: So, the odds were we were gonna catch a runway show.
(Cross talk, agreement)
PLECK: Yeah that’s actually not that rare, but I’m glad we’re here for it?
BRUCE: Yeah yeah yeah. Watch this.
(SFX: Camera shutters, club music starts back up)
BRUCE: Now I am going to give some color commentary.
C-53: Oh wow, okay.
CONNIE LACTOSE INTOLERANT, voiced by Moujan: Hi, I’m Connie Lactose Intolerant!
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: Notice that Connie Lactose Intolerant holds a beautiful Grt Milk colored cage.
C-53: Ooh.
BRUCE: Turn around Connie, show the back! Oooh, look at the piping! Thank you Connieeee!
CONNIE LACTOSE INTOLERANT: Welcome!
PHIL TRYING TOO HARD, voiced by Seth: Hey it’s me! Phil Trying Too Hard, spinnin’, and spinnin’, and spinnin’, and spinnin’, trying a lil bit too hard!
BRUCE: Notice that Phil Trying Too Hard’s cage is invisible!
PHIL TRYING TOO HARD: Yeah, yup yup yup, because I’m caged by my own dreams!
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Oh no! That’s so sad!
(Audience laughing)
DAR: Yeah.
PHIL TRYING TOO HARD: Yes, always out of reach!
BRUCE: Ooh, here’s my favorite Connie!
CONNIE WITH THE HAT, in an exaggerated Cockney accent, voiced by Moujan: ‘Ello, I’m Connie! The one with the hat!
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: Notice Connie With The Hat’s cage has a hat!
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Connie also has a hat though, which is weird - it seems like you’d just take Connie’s hat and put it on the cage.
C-53: Yeah it’s almost like putting a hat on a hat, like I don’t -
PLECK: Yeah, in some ways.
C-53: You’re a little bit like…
BRUCE: That’s the concept, you drogs!
C-53: Oh, okay. I get it.
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Sorry! I’m sorry.
C-53: Mm. Yeah.
PHIL THAT DELIVERS SHORTS, voiced by Winston: Overlord…I’m the Phil That Delivers Shorts. Here’s the shipment of the Federated Alliance uniforms that you asked for.
PLECK: Oh, yeah, that’s actually why we’re here, I kind of forgot. We’re here to pick up, uh, Federated Alliance uniforms.
BRUCE: Oh, good!! I made some slight tweaks!
PLECK: Oh, great!
DAR: We are so excited!
C-53: Can we - can we pull one out of the box, here?
(A pause, supposedly as C-53 is removing a uniform from the box)
C-53: Oh. I would say you made some…pretty dramatic tweaks, here.
DAR: Wow these are short. Yeah.
BRUCE: Yeah.
PLECK: They’re shorter shorts??
C-53: I would call them ‘short shorts’.
PLECK: Huh. Okay.
C-53: They’re going to be…well up your thigh, Ambassador Decksetter.
PLECK: Okay.
(SFX: A CLINT racks his gun)
CLINT: Overlord! Overlord! Would you like us to model the Federated Alliance uniforms?
BRUCE: Yesss! Come in!!
(SFX, Camera shutter sounds, faint club music)
BRUCE: This - look at my CLINTs!
(Audience and cast laughter)
DAR: Woah!!
C-53: Oh, wow.
CLINT: I’m working. Sashay Shawn Day.
BRUCE: No, it’s Shante!
CLINT: What is it?
BRUCE: Sashay Shante!
CLINT: Okay. Sa-shay Shan-te?
DAR: You have a lot of work to do here.
BRUCE: I’m telling you. Although, at least this guy didn’t juck up an ombre!
DAR: Aha!
PLECK: Yeah…
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, er, while the shorts may have been shortened, the shirt has been…almost completely eliminated, it’s just…two thin lines.
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: They’re sticky!
(More audience laughter)
PLECK: Alright…now, you got approval from like, the Council of Seven to make these?
(Bruce makes a series of noncommittal sounds that slowly increase in pitch, eventually getting so high it sounds more like a computer glitch.)
PLECK: What is - what is happening?
(Computer glitch sounds continue)
DAR: Uh…C, at that octave, can you -
C-53: I, uh, I believe Bruce’s hard drive may be spooling, yeah, I’m trying to…decode that as binary, but it’s, I’m not…doing…
PLECK: Did we just break Bruce??
C-53: Yeah, we might’ve…
(Computer glitch sound stutters, then stops)
C-53: Just gonna hit the hard reset here…
BRUCE: …No, I did not.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Oh. Okay. Uh…alright well - alright fine, you know, we’ll just take ‘em, and, uh, we’ll just - we’ll figure it out. Um. Can I just say - what would it take for you, like could we negotiate about the, whole like, Phil and Connie enslavement -
BRUCE: Cage.
PLECK: Ah! What!?
BRUCE: I just put you in a cage.
PLECK: Does it at least make my ombre work at all, or…?
C-53: Hm, somehow it doesn’t!
PLECK, offended: No - okay!
BRUCE: It just doesn’t!
C-53: Wow. I - it should!
PLECK, sighing: Listen. Dar, uh, this is - this seems like sort of like a perfect time for you to just (imitates growling) rip open these bars -
BRUCE, enticingly: Daaar. Here’s a big bag of Connie hair.
DAR: I will…be away for four minutes.
PLECK: No, Dar, Dar! Come back! Agh…
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: C-53?
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter?
PLECK: You could probably get me out of this cage with like, a, you could be like, dzzt dzzt dzzt, and -
BRUCE: C-53, have you ever considered…and I know this is bold…
C-53: Okay.
BRUCE: But just attaching a little bang wig on top of your skull?
C-53: Wow, that actually…I had not considered that.
BRUCE: Now here’s the thing! People are always regretting getting bangs, but a lot of times it helps if you have a large forehead, which you do.
C-53: I do, that’s true. It’s just a smooth metal expanse.
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: Yeah, and now what if we just taped these on, and…CAGE!
PLECK: Oh no! What??
C-53: Agh! Ambassador Decksetter, I was lured into his confidence by the promise of glorious bangs!
(Audience and cast laughter)
PLECK: How did you fall for that, C-53?
PLECK: I dunno, I’ve just never had bangs, it seemed like a very attractive option!
BRUCE: Everyone should have bangs at least once in their life.
(Pleck sighs.)
BRUCE: You know they sometimes call me the Bang Whisperer.
(Long pause)
BRUCE, whispering: Baaaaaaaaaangs.
(Audience and cast laughter)
PLECK: Oh because you just whisper the word “bangs”?
BRUCE: Yeah, why else would you?
PLECK, with Alden laughing: I dunno, I guess I dunno what that would mean otherwise. Can I just ask…so, I’m in this cage now. Do I have to, like, work for you?
BRUCE: Yes! I don’t want…loafers on my planet!
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Do you mean…people who are loafing, or the casual shoe?
BRUCE: Yeah, I don’t want loafers! I want a strappy sandal on my planet!
C-53: Oh, alright, fair enough.
BRUCE: I want, at the very least, like a, um, like an Espadrille wedge.
PLECK: Oh, sure. At the very least!?
BRUCE: At the very least.
C-53, with Jeremy laughing: That’s the bare minimum, is an Espadrille wedge?
(SFX: A CLINT racking his blaster)
CLINT: You will WEAR an Espadrille wedge! You WILL wear one!
PLECK: Okay, okay! Alright! Okay!
(SFX: Another CLINT racking his blaster)
(Cross talk about how to put on an Espadrille wedge, BRUCE’s VA accidentally says “thigh” instead of “calf”, implying that an Espadrille wedge runs all the way up a person’s thigh. He commits to the bit and confirms that it goes all the way up the thigh, demanding that Pleck lace it all the way up his thighs.)
BRUCE: Your legs are so much shorter than Phil’s!
PLECK: Yeah, well…Phil Longlegs?
BRUCE: No, just all Phils.
(Audience laughter)
PHIL LONGLEGS, voiced by Seth: Though I am here.
PLECK: Oh, hey Phil Longlegs.
PHIL LONGLEGS: Hey.
BRUCE: Ironically -
C-53: They’re not that long.
BRUCE: No. I feel like in the future something’s gonna happen, I dunno.
(Audience laughter)
C-53: Well, maybe. Yeah.
PHIL LONGLEGS: Just waiting!
PLECK: Cool, cool cool.
PHIL LONGLEGS: One day.
PLECK: Hey, I’m, uh. Uhh…I’m just gonna real quick call Bargie. Uh, one second.
BRUCE: Wait, who?
PLECK: Uh, hey - Bargie, that’s our ship.
(SFX: Bargie hailing beep)
PLECK: Uh, yeah, just…call Bargie. Do you know -
BRUCE: Not the actress Bargie??
PLECK: Yeah, yeah yeah, Bargie!
BRUCE: The star of…Into, Outo, Into…
PLECK: Into out?
BRUCE: Wow, I’ve never said it in this language before!
C-53: Yeah.
BRUCE: It’s so hard to say it!
PLECK: Yeah it doesn’t really translate.
C-53: Not from the native Kalps.
BRUCE, emotionally: On the day that I actually took over this planet…
PLECK: What?
BRUCE: I had a parade for that movie.
PLECK: Really? That apparently happened a lot.
C-53: People would quote lines from that movie?
BRUCE: Yes. My favorite is “Toot toot!”.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Yeah, sure. That - that line actually made it into other Bargie films, it sort of became like a catch phrase -
C-53: It sort of became her catch phrase -
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: But it started in that film.
PLECK: But it started in that film.
BRUCE: I know, I studied Bargie films at droid college!
C-53: Mm.
PLECK: They teach film at droid college?
C-53: Oh yeah, where’d you go to droid college?
BRUCE: Yes, it’s art school basically! Oh, I went to, um…just a little school in Nebulon…
C-53: Oh, you went to Nebulon State?
BRUCE: No……..I went to………the Ivy League Nebulon…….agh, this is so embarrassing, but I went to -
C-53: Why wouldn’t you just say that you went -
BRUCE: To Nebulaton?
C-53: Yeah, why wouldn’t you say you went to Nebulaton instead of, “Oh, I went to school in Neb - “
BRUCE: I don’t wanna sound pretentious! But I went to Nebulaton.
C-53: Okay, alright.
PLECK: But that makes us then have to guess where you went to, went to droid college instead of just saying it -
C-53, defensively: Some people went to Nebulon State and they are very happy about their decision.
BRUCE: Nobody who went to Nebulon State is happy they went to Nebulon State, okay?
C-53: Nebulon State is a perfectly good school.
PLECK: Can I just say, it seems like a little weird -
BRUCE: We used to call ‘em Nebs.
C-53: Ugh!
PLECK: It seems like a little weird to like, have like a rivalry between schools when, like…droid college is just like a…like a drive you stick in your…
BRUCE: It was four of the happiest minutes of my existence!
(Audience laughs)
DAR: BRUUUUCE!!!
BRUCE: What is it??
DAR: What. The juck. That Connie hair shamed me!
PLECK: It shamed you??
DAR: Yeah, it -
BRUCE: Cage!
(Cross talk, general outrage and surprise)
PLECK: Dar, I should’ve - I should’ve let you know that we’re all in cages now.
BRUCE: Look. I just want things to be beautiful, and when people won’t allow me to make them beautiful, I force them into being beautiful. Now, all of you -
DAR: But I AM beautiful.
BRUCE: …What?
DAR: I’m beautiful!
BRUCE: Huh???
C-53: No matter what you say.
(Audience laughter)
C-53: Words can’t bring her down!
BRUCE: Agh!
DAR: Keep going C, I really dig this.
(Audience and cast laughter)
PLECK: Hey Bruce -
DAR: This free word association.
BRUCE: I’ve never encountered self confidence before!
CLINT: Wait, wait!
(SFX: Clint racks his blaster)
CLINT: I am beautiful! In every single way!
(Audience laughter grows)
BRUCE: No you’re not, you need me!! You need me to tell you what’s beautiful!
CLINT: No, words can’t bring me down!
BRUCE: Aaah, no, you’re an ugly ugly Phil!
CLINT: Don’t you bring me down today!
CLINT: No, we’re beautiful no matter what. We didn’t need you.
BRUCE: Ewwww! This is so stupid that this is what’s bringing me down! I don’t like it!
PLECK: The subjectivity of beauty?
BRUCE: Yes! I set the standard with my magazine!
(Short silence)
BRUCE: Philcon…vogue…
(Cast and audience laughter)
PLECK: Philcon Vogue?
BRUCE: Vogue Philcon.
PLECK: Vogue Philcon?
BRUCE: Yeah Vogue Philcon.
DAR: Oh, yeah.
C-53: Mm.
BRUCE: Alright, fine. I’m taking your cages back.
PLECK: Really??
BRUCE, unenthusiastically: Yeah, go do your thing.
C-53: Oh -
BRUCE: And go ahead all you Phils, and all you stupid stupid Connies!
(Allie laughs)
BRUCE: Go and make drab drab clothes! Have a big jucking time with it!
(Various sounds of Phils and Connies realizing they’re free)
UNNAMED PHIL, voiced by Winston: I can’t wait to get beige back on me! Get all that beige back on!
BRUCE: Ugh!
UNNAMED PHIL, voiced by Seth: Aw these sandals feel amazing with soooooooooocks!
BRUCE: Ew!!!
UNNAMED PHIL, same one: Ah just slip right into these sandals and soooooocks!
UNNAMED CONNIE, voiced by Moujan: I’m gonna put this bag in front of myself and call it a “Finay Pack!”
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: Agh, at least wear it ironically, not sincerely!
UNNAMED CONNIE: No!
BRUCE: Ugh!
PLECK, with Alden laughing: Alright, C-53, I feel like we should probably go.
C-53: Yeah, we can - we can probably -
BRUCE: Here, take these stupid uniforms!
PLECK: Oh -
DAR: Oh, with pleasure.
PLECK: Okay. Sure. Will do. Alright Bargie, uh, open the hatch, I guess. Bruce, listen, I’m - I’m sorry we - sorry we, uh, sort of blew your mind with the idea that, uh, your sense of fashion doesn’t apply to the rest of the galaxy.
BRUCE: Well it’s stupid.
PLECK: Yeah I know, it is, it is.
BRUCE: Also, you might be comfortable, but you look like real trash.
(Audience laughter)
BRUCE: Alright? You look like nasty, dust-snorting trash.
PLECK: Sure.
BRUCE: Laying in the jucking gutter. So, if you’re cool with that, g’bye.
C-53: Okay - Bruce, before we leave, can I ask? Do you really think I would look good with bangs?
BRUCE, solemnly: I’ve never thought anything more deeply in my entire life.
C-53: Thank you, Bruce.
PLECK: Wow. Alright, well, so long, Philcon!
PHIL THAT SAYS GOODBYE TO DIGNITARIES WHEN THEY COME: Bye! I’m the Phil That Says Goodbye To Dignitaries When They Come.
C-53: Oh, wow.
PLECK: Glad to give you a purpose, Phil.
PHIL THAT SAYS GOODBYE TO DIGNITARIES WHEN THEY COME: Yaaaaaay!!
(Audience laughter fades out, replaced by the transitional crawl with Bargie’s engines)
DAR: Pleck, just come out!
PLECK, muffled: No, I can’t do it! I just can’t, I feel like this is a huge mistake.
C-53: In what sense?
DAR: Yeah…
PLECK: Well, when I got in here the hair on the left side of my head started doing something to the hair on the right side of my head, and I don’t - I feel like something’s happening and I don’t understand it and I don’t like it.
C-53, with Jeremy laughing: Is your…is your hair jucking, Ambassador Decksetter?
PLECK, defeatedly: …Yeah. I think so. I’m sad that like, that like - a part of my body is losing its virginity and it’s not me.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Alright, I’m coming out…
C-53: Alright - oh, my!
DAR, gasping: Oh my - gaaaaaaaah!
C-53: Ugh, Am…Ambassador Decksetter, what your hair is done to itself is…it’s very unsettling, it’s…because, now the front part of your hair is very short,
PLECK: Mm.
C-53: And the back part is very long.
(Audience laughter)
PLECK: Yeah. Yeah yeah. Well you know, maybe it’s like, uh…diplomacy up front, Rangus 6 in the rear?
C-53: Oh…I have a suspicion that it is Rangus 6 all the way around.
(Audience and cast laughter)
(Ending music swells)
ALDEN: That’s our show, ladies and gentlemen!
(Cheering and clapping from the crowd)
(Ending music fades out slowly)
C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Ambassador Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the ship, and Connie In The Cage, as well as all the Connies, played by Moujan Zolfagari. Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, and Phil Dragging Stuff Back From The Cage, as well as half of the Phils, played by Seth Lind. Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers, in the six inch heels, and Phil In The Cage, as well as all other Phils, played by Winston Noel. Bruce was played by special guest Jeff Hiller. Jeff has been seen on fun shows like Broad City, Difficult People, and currently on the pop sitcom, Nightcap. He performs at the UCB Theater in New York with The Curfew and Rumbleteaser. Follow him on Twitter @BoomBoomHiller”.
(Clapping and cheering picks up)
C-RED-IT5: This episode was recorded live at Caveat in New York City! Check out all their great shows at “caveat.nyc”! Recording, live sound effects, and mix by the amazing Shane O’Connell. This episode edited by Alden Ford and Seth Lind.
ALDEN: Sure, why not?
C-RED-IT5: Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Geusz. Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom! Our website is “missiontozyxx.space”, where you can contact the crew, buy merch, and, waste time reading our bios. Toot, toot, toot!
ALDEN: Have a great night guys!
(Clapping and cheering)
ALDEN: Thanks so much for coming, it was so much fun to, uh, have you guys here for this. Uh, we’re gonna be sticking around and drinking with you, uh, buy a T-shirt or a coozie, and hang out with us! Have a great night!
(Clapping and cheering fades out, along with the ending crawl and all audio.)