Yas Boot
AJ is kind of the alpha when it comes to celebrating X-Marse.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with a festive X-Marse announcement. You're invited to a special live Mission to Zyxx performance on Saturday, January 25th at the Brooklyn Podcast Festival. We will kickstart our upcoming season four with a brand new episode improvised live on stage featuring a special guest comedian and an unknown amount of orange beer. So book your travel to the Brooklyn Quadrant on January 25th and get your tickets at missiontozyxx.space or bkpodcast.com. Now settle in for a little X-Marse treat from the crew to you.
[00:32] [Theme Music - X-Marse version with jingling bells]
PLECK: Oh man. Guys, I've been to a lot of X-Marse Eve dinners. That one was delicious.
C-53: [Agreeing] Hm.
AJ: It was really good. The paste was... Hit the spot.
BARGIE: That oil was so good. Thank you so much [stumbling over Nermut's name] Nermb... Nerg... Nerken...
NERMUT: Uhh... you're...
BARGIE: Sturf...
NERMUT: ... Okay, you're welcome.
PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, you're- you're quite the cook.
NERMUT: Oh, thanks! Yeah.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: You know, when I was working up to getting my residency at the club I had to wash dishes, I had to cook. I learned some stuff, so...
C-53: Yeah, and Nermut, If I may say, these batteries are perfection.
NERMUT: Oh, thanks so much! Those I took out of the toaster. Sorry Bargie.
C-53: Oh.
NERMUT: But...
PLECK: Huh.
BARGIE: Hey, don't apologize to me, apologize to the toaster.
NERMUT: Oh, I'm so sorry, Gina.
[Nermut scuttles over to the toaster and depresses the lever]
C-53: It... doesn't have any batteries.
NERMUT: Oh, there's no way-
PLECK: Yeah, no, you can't-
DAR: Yeah, it doesn't-
C-53: Maybe get her some new batteries-
NERMUT: And then apologize.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Well, guys, you know, I'm going to hit- I'm going to hit the sack now so I can get up early on X-Marse morning.
DAR: And open those boots!
[Crosstalk]
NERMUT: [Rapping] Open the boot! / Boot!
C-53: / Oh, yeah, can't wait!
BARGIE: Oh yeah!
[AJ hits the table, clattering silverware]
AJ: Wait, what the juck?!
DAR: Whoa!
AJ: You guys aren't opening on X-Marse Eve?
C-53: [Placating] Whoa, AJ!
NERMUT: AJ!
[Clattering as AJ climbs onto the table]
DAR: AJ, get off the table.
AJ: We're not opening the boots now?!
[AJ throws a plate, it shatters]
[Crosstalk]
NERMUT: Stop / smashing the plates!
BARGIE: / Oh!
BARGIE: Wow!
[Another plate shatters]
[Pleck and Nermut protest and try to calm AJ as AJ begins throwing plates to punctuate his words]
AJ: WE'RE NOT OPENING- [plate shatters]- THE- [plate shatters]- BOOTS- [plate shatters]- NOW?! [plate shatters]
C-53: AJ. AJ, you're scaring Tayleen.
[It's quiet for a moment]
[AJ gets down off the table]
TAYLEEN: Hi!
AJ: [Angrily] Why did you bring-
TAYLEEN: I'm so happy to be here. Thanks, guys, for inviting, well, C, for inviting me.
AJ: Why the juck did you bring a stranger, C?!
C-53: [Trying to be patient] AJ.
NERMUT: AJ.
[Crosstalk]
C-53: You are being / SO rude right now.
PLECK: / Yeah, AJ, all are- all are welcome.
[Crosstalk]
DAR: You're being / unbelievably rude!
AJ: / We're all thinking it!
PLECK: No.
NERMUT: No, Tayleen, it's so nice to meet you.
TAYLEEN: Thank you.
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Yeah, C-53's allowed / to bring anyone to X-Marse-
DAR: / Yes!
AJ: [Stomping around] This is, like, a crew thing! Why the- Tayleen- on the- [Shatters a glass]
TAYLEEN: I can go. Here. I can go.
C-53: Uh, no, Tayleen, it's fine.
TAYLEEN: Okay.
C-53: Hey, AJ?
AJ: [Petulantly] Huh?
C-53: Do you want to lose out on your boot?
AJ: No! It just, like... Here's the thing. It's my first... This is my first X-Marse away from the conditioning center.
C-53: [Kindly] Yeah. Yeah, no, I know, Buddy.
BARGIE: Oh.
[C-53 gives AJ a comforting pat]
PLECK: I'm sorry, AJ.
DAR: I'm sorry.
AJ: Yeah, we always would open our boots on X-Marse Eve!
C-53: Okay. AJ-
DAR: Yeah, we- we see that now. We do.
AJ: Thanks, Dar.
C-53: So you're- so you're a little, maybe a little anxious that you're not spending X-Marse where you're used to spending X-Marse.
AJ: [Quietly] Yeah, that's right.
C-53: Well, Tayleen can't make it back to her slime planet either.
TAYLEEN: No, so... thank you.
AJ: So- but- are you guys, like, together? What's going on?
TAYLEEN: We haven't decided.
C-53: We're not putting a label on it.
TAYLEEN: We're, like, no labels. [Laughs]
DAR: Wow! She just booped his nose!
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: AJ X-Marse is about togetherness. Anyone can come to X-Marse dinner.
AJ: [Petulantly] Hmph!
BARGIE: Hey, everyone, why don't we just let AJ open the boot tonight?
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, how about you open your boot and we'll open ours tomorrow morning?
AJ: Okay-
C-53: Is that okay with you?
AJ: You guys- you guys would do that for me?
DAR: Yeah!
C-53: Sure, AJ, yeah.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: We truly have no choice. You're going... a little crazy here.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: Sorry.
PLECK: Also, back on Rangus 6, AJ, when I was growing up, if you were under ten you were able to open your boot the night before and you're only five, so you know.
AJ: Yeah.
[There is a pause]
NERMUT: But you're here now. You should probably open it tomorrow when we all do.
AJ: [Advancing on Nermut] Nermut, I will-
[AJ grabs Nermut]
DAR: Nermut.
PLECK: Nermut, why would you-
[Nermut starts yelling in pain]
DAR: Oh! AJ, please don't do that to-!
C-53: AJ!
DAR: Please don't do that to him!
C-53: AJ. AJ.
[AJ drops Nermut]
AJ: I'm sorry!
PLECK: Calm down. Calm down.
AJ: I'm sorry! The holidays just make me like... aggro, which I'm usually not. I'm usually pretty chill.
[The crew agrees insincerely]
DAR: Hey, Nermut, is your neck okay?
NERMUT: No!
DAR: He almost popped your head off like you were a bottle of champagne.
NERMUT: Yeah, it's... Will you actually crack it back into place?
DAR: Oh, just, like, a little…
[Nermut's neck cracks back into place]
[Nermut yelps in pain]
C-53: Oh, that was loud. Um, AJ, okay, here, I'm going to give you your boot.
AJ: Alright, I'm opening it!
DAR: Okay.
AJ: I'm opening it!
C-53: Okay. Alright.
BARGIE: There's something in there from all of us.
[AJ fishes something out of his boot]
AJ: Aww, guys! You're the best! Tactical knives!
[AJ rubs the blades along each other]
C-53: That's right, tactical knives!
AJ: Oh, wow! You could split somebody from, like, sternum to all the way up to the- the- [AJ plays with his knives] From their Adam's to their sternum from this!
C-53: Yeah! Yeah, you can, buddy.
DAR: Yeah.
[AJ continues playing with his knives]
AJ: Oh, wow!
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: C, those are from you?
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: Yay!
C-53: Yeah, those, uh... those are from me.
[AJ fishes another gift out of his boot]
AJ: Oh, choco-schlorgs! Yay!
BARGIE: Those are from me. I got it off the black market. Watch how you can only eat one.
AJ: That's right. If you eat more than one your brain gets on fire and you die!
C-53: Why would they make that?
PLECK: Uhh...
BARGIE: I heard they're delicious.
AJ: They're yummy.
PLECK: Bargie, why didn't you just give him one?
[Pause]
BARGIE: Why don't you shut up?
PLECK: Alright.
DAR: [Laughs]
NERMUT: [Dryly] Wow. That's nice.
AJ: Aww!
C-53: Tayleen- Tayleen, I'm sorry.
TAYLEEN: It's okay, my family's really similar. I have something in there, too!
AJ: Oh, wow!
C-53: Oh, that's so nice! That's so nice!
[AJ pulls something squishy out of his boot]
AJ: Oh, it's a- oh, it's a wad of slime! Thank you! Thanks...
TAYLEEN: Yeah.
AJ: Oh! Dar! You got me pj's!
[AJ pulls the pj's out of his boot]
AJ: Pj's for AJ!
DAR: Yeah, I just figured something that you could wear at night so you didn't have to keep wearing your suit.
AJ: Oh, it has a- it has a flap on my butt! So if I need to, like-
DAR: Honestly, that's an X-Marse gift to me cause, uh... I still want you to be able to access that butt gun. Even in your pj's.
AJ: Thank you, Dar! Wow, so much cool stuff.
[AJ pulls another gift out of his boot]
AJ: Oh, it's a... planner... with a...
NERMUT: Yeah, but look at it close!
AJ: Oh, it's got your Bermut Nundaloy stuff on it!
NERMUT: Yeah! Like, so-
AJ: Oh, wow!
NERMUT: So, yeah! Um-
AJ: I won't use this, but this is cool!
NERMUT: What?
AJ: I won't be using this, it's a planner.
NERMUT: What do you- no, you-
PLECK: AJ doesn't do a lot of planning.
AJ: Why would I- why would I do that?
NERMUT: I know, but that's why he has it. You need to. You're so off the cuff-
AJ: I guess... Oh, you know what I'm going to do? [Speaking aloud as he writes in the planner] "Lock... and... load."
NERMUT: Uh-
AJ: So now I'll know that I'll need to lock and load on this day.
NERMUT: Uh. Oh boy...
PLECK: Wow, he's getting a lot better at writing.
C-53: Well, you know, sort of the right idea…
[AJ pulls another gift out of his boot]
AJ: Papa! It's a- it's a pinky!
PLECK: Yeah, well, it's a festive X-Marse pinky.
[AJ opens his helmet and samples the pinky]
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: It's a peppermint pinky!
PLECK: Yeah, you can screw that in during the holid-
AJ: I'm gonna do it right now!
PLECK: Yeah-
[AJ rips his current pinky off]
[The crew makes disturbed noises]
DAR: Oh, wow, he ripped off the other pinky!
C-53: Yeah... Taylee, I should have warned you about that pinky.
[AJ rummages around his boot some more]
AJ: Hey, what's this at the bottom?
NERMUT: Oh.
BARGIE: We didn't-
[Crosstalk]
C-53: That, well- that was everything / we put in there.
BARGIE: / That's not... Yeah.
NERMUT: That's everything from us.
AJ: But what about…
[AJ plays a recording]
MISS JANELLE: Well, hello, AJ-2884.
PLECK: Oh, wow!
NERMUT: Whoa!
AJ: It's Miss- it's Miss Janelle!
MISS JANELLE: Hello crew of the Bargarean Jade-
C-53: Oh, wow!
MISS JANELLE: - and hello to any slimy new friends!
DAR: Wow!
C-53: Wow!
NERMUT: Aww!
TAYLEEN: So nice of her!
PLECK: Very, very inclusive.
MISS JANELLE: This is Miss Janelle Fitzmeyer and I'm just wishing you all a wonderful and splendid X-Marse! Now, my dearest 2884-
AJ: Yeah, that's-
MISS JANELLE: - while I understand that you have defected, -
[AJ makes uncomfortable noises]
MISS JANELLE: - know that there is always, always a place in my heart for each and every one of my beloved and special C.L.I.N.T.s.-
AJ: Oh, wow!
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, it's so nice-
MISS JANELLE: - and I hope that your boot overfloweth with X-Marse bounty-
AJ: Yeah.
MISS JANELLE: - and that you allow your unique talents to shine throughout the entire year for everyone to see.
PLECK: Just unfailingly nurturing.
C-53: So kind.
NERMUT: So sweet.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
MISS JANELLE: As for me, I've had a good, fun year. I have a new gentleman friend-
DAR: Wow!
MISS JANELLE: - named Gary and he and I enjoy so many of the restaurants at the new outdoor mall. In fact, we had wonderful gilgatine salad the other day.-
AJ: Whoa!
MISS JANELLE: - It was to die for! Oh, and I included some homemade bebops and zuzu's-
AJ: Yay!
MISS JANELLE: - I know you love them-
AJ: It's candy, Bargie!
BARGIE: Okay.
MISS JANELLE: Okay, well, I'll look forward to your letters. I always love pal-ing with you. Kiss kiss! Hug hug! Janelle Fitzmeyer
PLECK: Oh, man.
C-53: Wow, she is...
PLECK: She's good.
C-53: She's a special lady.
DAR: Really a special lady.
PLECK: A special lady.
NERMUT: She's so nice.
AJ: Wow.
NERMUT: I just think of everyone we've met who trains kill squads for a living, she's, like, the best.
BARGIE: Pretty nice.
C-53: Yeah, hands down.
DAR: Absolutely.
NERMUT: Well, I mean, the only downside is, like, AJ, now tomorrow morning when we all up in our boots, kinda, your fun is over.
AJ: Are you kidding me? [AJ puts on his helmet] The most fun about X-Marse is watching other people get gifts.
NERMUT: [Quietly] Oh, wow.
PLECK: Wait, really?
BARGIE: That's a positive outlook on life!
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: Then why were you so excited to open your boot?
AJ: Because I got these knives. [Knife swish] And the other thing that we know about X-Marse is that it's about... survival!
C-53: Oh, that's... a fair point.
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: Yeah, that's true.
[AJ starts playing with his knives dangerously]
BARGIE: Oh, oh, okay!
NERMUT: Wow!
AJ: [Leaving the room] See you tomorrow morning!
BARGIE: Um…
[Tayleen and C-53 start giggling and behaving flirtatiously]
TAYLEEN: Well, thank you so much for inviting me. This was, like, so fun.
C-53: Yeah, this was really- I'm so glad you could make it.
TAYLEEN: Yeah!
C-53: I'm really glad. I didn't think you'd be able to-
TAYLEEN: [Laughs] I was like, you- you know... I responded so fast...
C-53: [Giggles]
TAYLEEN: It was like-
C-53: No, no, not at all!
TAYLEEN: I'm sorry about the slime!
C-53: [Laughs] No, no-
TAYLEEN: I'm- that is- who I am!
C-53: I love the slime! I'm a slime fan!
[Both Tayleen and C-53 laugh awkwardly]
TAYLEEN: Uh... Um... Oh, wow. We're underneath the…
[Suggestive pause]
C-53: Oh the, um-
TAYLEEN: The feather whisker.
C-53: Yeah. Um. [Chuckles awkwardly] Well, you know what that means!
TAYLEEN: Yes, we deeply, passionately make out for a very long time-
C-53: Yeah, uh-
TAYLEEN: That it's so uncomfortable for anyone else to watch.
C-53: Yeah... [Chuckles awkwardly]
TAYLEEN: I guess we have to!
C-53: Yeah, I guess we have to-
TAYLEEN: [Chuckles awkwardly]
C-53: - give it a try!
[Slimy slurping and robotic modem noises]
PLECK: Alright, well, goodnight everybody!
DAR: Merry X-Marse!
PLECK: Happy X-Marse!
NERMUT: Merry X-Marse!
[Outro Theme; Bargie Flyby]
/ / - FIN - / /
[10:31] [Maximum Fun Promos]
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NARRATOR: Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made featuring actors like Patton Oswalt-
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NARRATOR: - Busy Philipps and Dave Koechner-
DAVE KOECHNER: Baby, this is family.
BUSY PHILLIPS: My uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family. Do you want him staying with us?
DAVE KOECHNER: He DID stay with us. For three months!
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[Maximum Fun Promos End]
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[12:13] [Outtake]
WINSTON/AJ: And the other thing we know about X-Marse is that it's about survival.
ALDEN/PLECK: Oh, yeah.
JEREMY/C-53: That's... a fair point.
ALLIE/DAR: That's true.
WINSTON/AJ: [Makes swishing knife sound effects with his mouth]
MOUJAN/BARGIE: Oh!
SETH/NERMUT: Oh!
MOUJAN/BARGIE: Oh! Oh!
SETH/NERMUT: Wow! Wow!
WINSTON/AJ: See you tomorrow morning!
MOUJAN/BARGIE: Um.
[Crosstalk]
ALLIE/DAR: Wow, he just / cut Tayleen in two. [Laughs]
JEREMY/C-53: / He's really brandishing those blades.
ALDEN/PLECK: C- C-53, why did you give those to him?
JEREMY/C-53: Well, he loves knives!
ALDEN/PLECK: [Trying not to laugh] I mean, that's true.
JEREMY/C-53: Also, Tayleen, you're fine, right?
[Silence]
ALLIE/DAR: Tayleen?
JEREMY: She just got sliced in half.
ALLIE: [Laughs]
[Crosstalk]
MOUJAN: [Laughs] No, no, no, / she shouldn't be dead.
SETH: / Yeah, she's silent cause she's dead.
JEREMY: [Trying not to laugh] No.