L09: O Crabbo! My Crabbo! [LIVE ft. Benjamin Partridge]
In this special Season 3-era live episode, the crew tries to enlist a dissident crabbo to join the forces of Freshness. Pleck gets married. Dar gets married. C-53 gets married. Nermut gets married. AJ gets married. Bargie gets annoyed. Recorded at the 2019 London Podcast Festival.
Featuring special guest Benjamin Partridge of the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5 with a special live episode recorded at the 2019 London Podcast Festival. Season 4 of Mission to Zyxx is currently gestating in its tube of blue liquid, but if you’re a MaxFun member there’s plenty of bonus content to hold you over, and more on the way soon. Jump on board at maximumfun.org/donate and get access to exclusive episodes and more. Now, please enjoy the following live episode featuring the incredible Benjamin Partridge from MaxFun’s own Beef and Dairy Network podcast.
ALDEN: Thanks to London Podcast Festival for having us! This is great, how’s everybody doing?
[Cheers]
ALDEN: Yeah. Very excited to be here. I have a very important question. Does anyone not know what the fuck this show is about?
[Laughter and cheers]
ALDEN: Oh God. Oh no.
SETH: Yeeeeah!
JEREMY: Got a few.
WINSTON: Uh-oh.
ALDEN: You guys are in for a real treat.
JEREMY: They might be very confused.
ALDEN: We are going to do an all new completely improvised episode for you, and we would like to welcome out our guest. We’re very excited to have him. You already know him and love him from the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast. Please welcome out Benjamin Partridge!
[Applause]
ALDEN: Very excited, what a pleasure.
BENJAMIN: Hiya.
ALDEN: This episode is a lost season three episode, for the continuity dorks among you. This is immediately following the events of Dar’s baby shower. Nermut is on the ship with us, and we are going to do a mission. You guys ready?
[Cheers]
ALDEN: All right, let’s get started!
[Theme music starts]
NARRATOR: It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist, and also a planet crusher… crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx. [crawl swells]
[Theme music ends]
PLECK: Hey, C-53.
C-53: Yes.
PLECK: I finally had some of that cake that Nermut jumped out of.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Delish.
C-53: Great.
PLECK: …
C-53: …What? Were you saving it for any particular reason?
PLECK: Nah, it's just full, you know, so I just-
C-53: Sure, yeah.
PLECK: I kind of kept it in the fridge and I thought, you know, ‘I should try-’ And it's good! And the weird part is, it's like… it was kind of squished? The cake sort of squished and I was like halfway through it. And I was like ‘Oh, Nermut like… was on this.’
C-53: He wasn't on it, he was in it.
NERMUT: I was in it.
PLECK: I know.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: I know. I'm just saying it wa- I felt…
NERMUT: Honestly, when you were in there, I missed… I lost a sock.
C-53: Did you encounter a sock while you were eating the cake?
NERMUT: Like a layer that was maybe gummier than you expected?
C-53: It would be smaller than you expect a sock to be.
PLECK: Sure.
NERMUT: Yeah. Like this big!
PLECK: Okay. Yeah, thank you. Well, my POINT was that I was halfway through the piece of cake, and I was like ‘Oh, a bird was on this’ and I kept eating it. And I felt a li- Feel a little weird abou- Have you ever been halfway through something and you're sort of like ‘Well, I'm not gonn- I'm not going to stop.’
C-53: Um…
AJ: Yeah… Yeah! I did that. It was a kill spree.
NERMUT: Eugh…
PLECK: What?
AJ: It was a kill spree. We were just… We were clearing out a species and I was like [thoughtful] ‘Should I still be doing this?’ and then I… I just killed the rest of them.
PLECK: AJ, that's…
AJ: What? It's genocide! What am I, gonna stop?
PLECK: What?! AJ…
AJ: Halfway? You gotta go full genocide.
PLECK: No.
AJ: That's what I was taught!
C-53: AJ, you should know that just sort of casually referring to genocide puts a lot of people on edge, I guess?
AJ: Fair.
BARGIE: Wait, hold on. Sorry to interrupt. My cousin’s coming.
PLECK: You have a cousin who's coming here?
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay, um…
C-53: Bargie, I'm not sure I'm familiar with your cousin.
BARGIE: It’s Frederick.
C-53: Frederick?
MOUJAN: I'm sorry, but you have to say it like you're swallowing the words.
DAR: [Strained] Frederick!
BARGIE: [Strained] Frederick!
AJ: It sounds like a cough! Sort of….
AJ AND BARGIE: Frederick!!
DAR: Frederick!!
PLECK: Okay! Yeah, that's fine!
BARGIE: We have a tumultuous relationship. He's never really believed in what I've done, he doesn't support my artwork, he thinks what I do is illegal, he's quasi MAYBE a cop. I don’t know.
AJ: Wait, so he has a like, tumultuous relationship with you?
BARGIE: Yeah.
AJ: That doesn't sound right. You seem to always have pretty smooth relationships with everybody. You do!
BARGIE: Opening up my hatch!
PLECK: Yeah, you’re gonna open u-
[Alarms blaring]
PLECK: Wait!
[Hydraulics unhatching]
[Crew screaming]
[Hydraulics rehatching]
NERMUT: Oh, I found my sock!
C-53: Oh, it just whipped right by you.
NERMUT: Yeah, thanks Barge!
DAR: Wait, did you eat my cake?
PLECK: Me?
DAR: Yeah, you have frosting all over your mouth!
PLECK: I ate the piece of cake that was in the fridge?
DAR: [angrily] I was saving that!
C-53: It was Dar’s baby shower cake, and you…
DAR: That Nermut was inside of!
C-53: [confused] Yeah, why… Why DID you eat that?
PLECK: I was invited to the shower. I thought that meant I was entitled to a piece of cake.
AJ: That’s like when you're invited to a genocide. You're like-
PLECK: No!
AJ: ‘We’re gonna kill everybody!’
NERMUT: No.
PLECK: AJ!
C-53: No.
NERMUT: No.
C-53: No.
AJ: What?
NERMUT: Nope.
AJ: Just me? But it’s like etiquette, you know? You’re at a genocide.
PLECK: I really wish you'd stop saying that word.
C-53: You gotta know you can't keep breaking that one out-
AJ: What did I do!
C-53: -expecting people to be excited.
AJ: What’s up?
DAR: Why do you keep gesturing?
AJ: I don’t know! Just… you know.
PLECK: Let's just imagine there are a bunch of people around that might be uncomfortable by you saying that.
AJ: Nah, I always shoot from the hip.
[Blaster charging noises]
AJ: Especially when I-
CREW: Nooo!
PLECK: Stop, AJ!
BARGIE: No no no. Nope. Even I know that’s wrong.
[Blaster decharging noises]
PLECK: Bargie, is your cousin here?
BARGIE: Yeah, he's directly in front of me. We're doing a nose to nose.
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Oh!
BARGIE: It's a familial thing. You and your other family of ships, you do. Directly look inside of their windows, become one. You remember the memories, he judges me, he tries to get deep inside. See what I've done, if I'm guilty. I don't know.
PLECK: Oh, wow!
C-53: Oh, wow. He’s- Yeah, right up against us.
BARGIE: Frederick, how's it been going.
FREDERICK: Egh, you look…
BARGIE: What?
FREDERICK: Guilty.
BARGIE: UGHH!
PLECK: Bargie, you know, I know it's important to keep in touch with your family, but sometimes you have toxic relationships with family members. You gotta just- You gotta be okay with just letting the-
BARGIE: Now we’re just bumping into each other.
[Metallic Bumping Sounds]
PLECK: Oh, God!
[Crew groaning in pain]
DAR: Nermut, can you just go ahead and tell us something we can do that isn’t this?
C-53: Yeah, we might need to get off of Bargie for a while.
PLECK: Yeah, maybe we should go. Do you have a mission or something we can go on?
NERMUT: Yes, yes! I was looking at the list of dissidents and I came across, get this, a Crabbo! Left Sergeant Belmont is a very powerful Crabbo, and you know they're all-
C-53: Are you saying that right?
NERMUT: Left Sergeant Belmont.
C-53: I think it's ‘Leftsergeant’.
NERMUT: Oh right. Why would I envision a space?
PLECK: I don’t know.
NERMUT: You're right. Leftsergeant Belmont. A powerful Crabbo. An icy strategist and if we can get them on the side of the Zima to defeat the Emperor… Just think! You could probably rally together all sorts of pilots for the K-Fighters we found in Kevin- WOO!
PLECK: I mean we really do need, like, a military strategist.
DAR: Yes.
C-53: I mean, Crabbos are famously one of the most organized fighting forces in the galaxy.
PLECK: Oh yeah?
C-53: Yeah, this is the kind of guy we need.
PLECK: Yeah. All right, well, I guess let’s-
BARGIE: I’m working on my career, OK? I’m trying. I just- I’m going through a lot right now, OK? I don’t have a five year plan. I have a week-to-week plan.
PLECK: Alright, Bargie. Good luck with your cousin.
BARGIE: You know I'm the one flying you, right?
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah… Yeah, also yea- could you also drop us off at the Crabbo planet?
BARGIE: Yeah yeah okay okay okay.
[Transition music, the crew lands on a beach]
CRABBO CUSTOMS OFFICER: Prepare to intake at the Crabbo planet.
PLECK: Oh, uh…
DAR: Uh…
PLECK: [awkwardly] Yeah, we are, you know, intergalactic emissaries?
C-53: Yeah, I guess we’re here for business?
DAR: We’re actually more confident than we appear.
PLECK: Yeah, listen, we're just here for just a day trip. We’ve got a business meeting. We'll be right out.
OFFICER: Absolutely. So according to the custom, you will all be married. To a partner.
C-53: Oh, what?
PLECK: Uh, what?
OFFICER: In the intake of customs, you will be married to a partner.
WIFE: Hello, I am your new wife.
C-53: Oh Pleck, congratulations!
NERMUT: Wow!
DAR: Wow!
PLECK: Uhhhh…
OFFICER: I’ve paired you off. The robot and the soldier.
AJ: Oh, okay. Mr. Robot.
C-53: Not who I would have chosen, but alright.
AJ: Alright, well.
DAR: Ok then, so that leaves…
OFFICER: That means the big one in the small one.
NERMUT: Dar, I've been thinking about this for, well, now 30 seconds, and I think it's the time-
OFFICER: PLEASE MOVE ALONG!
DAR: Yeah yeah yeah.
C-53: Alright!
DAR: Alright.
PLECK: Guys, what just happen-
WIFE: Yes, hi.
PLECK: Uh, hi. I'm Pleck.
WIFE: Okay, so you know the deal, okay. At the end of the day, we know exactly what's gonna happen. Okay?
PLECK: Okay, that's fine.
WIFE: So we don't have to get too close, too emotional. Just ‘What blood type are you?’ ‘Where did you come from?’ ‘What school did you go to?’
PLECK: Oh, well I'm a q-positive, and uhh. I am a regular donor. Not always on purpose bu-
WIFE: Kiss me on my forehead!
PLECK: Kiss you on yo- I’d be happy to… mwah. Okay, yeah. There we go. Is that it?
WIFE: [Slobbering noises]
PLECK: AHHH NOO!!
C-53: Oh, oh.
PLECK: AAAAHHH! AHHHH!
C-53: Eugh…
NERMUT: Standard Crabbo kiss.
AJ: Yeah… Wait, so-
PLECK: I don't even know her name!
AJ: What’s the thing that happens at the end of the day? You're saying we all know what happens at the end of the day. Pretend that maybe some of us, you know, don't know… Not me! But… someone.
PLECK: Yeah, what happens at the end of the day, Crabbo… Uh, unnamed Crabbo wife?
AJ: Yeah, this dumb guy doesn’t know. Hehe.
PLECK: Yeah. Listen, should I just call you ‘Wife’?
WIFE: Yes.
PLECK: Okay.
WIFE: I have a deep story, there's more to me, I'm very three-dimensional, but my name is Wife.
PLECK: Okay, fair enough.
C-53: Yeah, sounds legit.
PLECK: I'm sorry, is your name Wife or should I just call you wife?
WIFE: My name is Wife.
PLECK: Okay, fair enough. Maybe we should… you know, Wife, would you like to join us? We're going on a missi-
WIFE: I’m busy, I gotta go. See you later.
AJ: What the hell?
NERMUT: Wow.
WIFE: I'm [pause ] complicated!
[Scuttling noises]
C-53: She just scuttled away.
PLECK: Well, we're still married. I mean, we'll see each other.
NERMUT: But you don't spend a lot of time with your wife, it doesn't seem like.
AJ: Yeah, what's going on with that?
C-53: It's not a great foundation for a relationship.
PLECK: Okay can we just-
C-53: I’m just saying!
PLECK: Try to find Leftsergeant Belmont, please? C-53, do you know where this guy is?
C-53: Okay, just pulling up the quick ma- oh! Oh my God, he's only just a couple blocks away! I mean, if you just-
NERMUT: Does the beach have blocks?
C-53: The BEACH doesn't have blocks, but these buildings do.
NERMUT: Oh! I didn’t…
C-53: Just looking straight out at the beach, didn't see any of the buildings behind us?
NERMUT: I didn't notice the buildings!
C-53: Oh, okay. Seems like you could’ve turned around, figured that out for yourself.
NERMUT: No, I mean, I've just been looking at my spouse.
C-53: Oh, okay.
PLECK: Yeah, for a militaristic society, there's a lot of beach.
C-53: Well, they’re Crabbos.
PLECK: Yeah, okay.
DAR: While we're walking, I just feel like we all… this is… I mean they're MARRIED! C-53 and AJ are MARRIED!
C-53: Well, it’s really sort of a marriage of convenience. We're pretty casual about it.
AJ: Yeah, whatever. It works for us, okay?! It works for us!
C-53: That's our relationship because that's what WE decided, okay?
AJ: Mhm.
C-53: If you've got a problem with your partner, you need to-
DAR: I DON’T HAVE A… problem with my partner!
AJ: Don't project onto us! Don’t project your problems onto us.
NERMUT: We have a perfect marriage!
C-53: Yikes.
PLECK: Guys, there's a Crabbo runni- scuttling, I would say, towards us.
DAR: Huh?
C-53: Oh, no way.
PLECK: Uh, h- hi-
BELMONT: I heard you married Wife!
PLECK: What?
BELMONT: I heard you married Wife!
PLECK: Oh! Haha, y- yeah! It wasn't really my choice, it’s sort of… I think it was a customs thing?
BELMONT: Did she do the [Slobbering noises]?
PLECK: Yeah yeah, all over.
BELMONT: That's pretty good, isn't it?
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
BELMONT: I was married to her last week.
PLECK: Oh.
BELMONT: Yeah.
C-53: Oh, wow.
PLECK: Great, great.
BELMONT: It was a good one!
PLECK: I'm sorry. Maybe you could help us out. We're actually looking for a Leftsergeant Belmont?
BELMONT: [Clicking noises]
PLECK: Wha- Uh…
BELMONT: [More clicking noises]
DAR AND PLECK: Oh!
DAR: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What?
AJ: Yeah, I don’t understand what he’s doing. He's just, like, opening his arms. What's the deal?
BELMONT: That's how the-
NERMUT: [aside to the crowd] Maybe I’ll point out that he gestured in a way that meant it's him!
PLECK: Wait, you’re Leftsergeant Belmont? That’s grea-
AJ: Guys!
[Blaster charging noise]
AJ: should I…
PLECK: What, no!
C-53: No, AJ!
PLECK: No, AJ, C’mon.
C-53: AJ? AJ? We’ll talk about this later.
PLECK: Leftsergeant Belmont, we’re actua-
AJ: Hey Dar? You know Crabbos are… very tasty…
DAR: You said that RIGHT in front of him.
BELMONT: No. No, seriously, it's okay. We know we're tasty. It's kind of a tragedy that's inherent to our species.
PLECK: What, that you're delicious?
BELMONT: We're delicious! Especially with a kind of butter glaze.
C-53 AND PLECK: Sure.
DAR: [drooling] Yeah yeah, no, talk more about it. What other condiments are you tasty in?
C-53: You’re drooling pretty visibly.
DAR: You big, sweaty, meaty looking thing…
PLECK: Okay, listen. I'm sorry Leftsergeant.
DAR: Don't hold me back! Don't hold me back!
C-53: Dar you're just getting very close to Leftsergeant here.
BELMONT: It's okay. It's something we have to live with as a species. We’re delicious, but you aren't allowed to eat us.
C-53: No, yeah.
PLECK: Sure, good
AJ: Yeah. right, right.
PLECK: Yeah, that makes sense.
NERMUT: Absolutely! I mean, we came here to meet you because we know that you are a dissident against the Emperor.
BELMONT: That's true, yes.
NERMUT: And we need your sort of like, icy, strategic, military mind to help us take him down.
BELMONT: Do I seem that way to you?
NERMUT: No… No.
PLECK: That's actually a good point.
C-53: Yeah, we were gonna say that we might’ve got some bad intel or something.
PLECK: Look, Leftsergeant Belmont, I sort of was under the impression that this was a very strictly militaristic community.
BELMONT: Okay, that's, um… that’s racist.
AJ: Come on. Not cool.
BELMONT: I mean, THIS guy seems to know racism.
AJ: Yeah, I absolutely know it. If you've committed genocide, you get it. You know what I mean?
PLECK: What?!
C-53: AJ…
PLECK: AJ…
AJ: What?
C-53: We are gonna talk about this later.
AJ: I guess, sure.
BELMONT: Listen, people have preconceptions about Crabbos. They think we're all militaristic. They think we're hard-
DAR: Yummy, super super yummy?
BELMONT: That too. But some of us are soft.
DAR: Oohh…
C-53: Oh, so I guess soft shell Crabbo?
BELMONT: That's right.
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: Okay, yeah.
PLECK: Okay.
BELMONT: I like poetry. I like music… I like fuckin’.
PLECK: Okay. [aside] Sorry, C-53, do you know what that word ‘fucking’ means? What is that?
C-53: ‘Fucking’? It's a regional variant. Some people say that instead of ‘jucking’.
PLECK: Oh, okay.
C-53: It sounds weird, but yeah.
PLECK: [laughing] Oh, weird. That's a dumb word. Why would you ever… ‘fucking’ sounds like a made-up word.
C-53: Yeah, I agree.
PLECK: Sorry, I'm sorry Leftsergeant.
BELMONT: It's okay. Listen, you're married to Wife, right?
PLECK: Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
BELMONT: Now, looking at the position of the twenty-seven suns above us…
PLECK: [laughing] It’s very warm.
AJ: It’s so hot here! It’s so hot…
BELMONT: By the time the fourteenth sun reaches the twenty-second sun, you have to have consummated that marriage.
PLECK AND C-53: Oh, wow.
BELMONT: Yeah.
C-53: That’s part of it?
BELMONT: Yeah, that's a law. That's from the emperor himself.
PLECK: Wait. The marriage thing is, like, an edict?
BELMONT: Yeah.
PLECK: What happened?
BELMONT: It's not the same where you are?
PLECK: No, no no.
C-53: No, this is the only planet where we found that to be true.
BELMONT: Okay, so you wake up in the morning. You have to find a partner. You have to marry that partner. You've gotta fuck the partner. As you call it…
C-53: Juck.
BELMONT: Juck.
PLECK: Juck, yeah.
BELMONT: Sounds silly to me, but… it's good, though, that we can communicate in a common language.
C-53: I know, it’s amazing!
PLECK: Yeah, I don't even know where that sounds coming out of, but it’s…
BELMONT: Well, it’s a flap.
PLECK: Yeah, sure. Checks out.
BELMONT: Anyway, you have to marry. You have to consummate that marriage. You have to buy furniture together.
C-53: Oh boy, okay.
BELMONT: And then by the en-
DAR: Do we have to build the furniture together?
BELMONT: Yes.
DAR: Ugh…
BELMONT: And then, of course, because you've done that, there is a divorce in the evening.
C-53: Oh, well, naturally.
DAR: Naturally.
C-53: And you’ve gotta amicably divide that furniture.
BELMONT: Yes.
C-53: Yeah okay.
BELMONT: Yeah yeah yeah!
PLECK: Does everyone on the planet get married and divorced in the same day?
BELMONT: Yeah?
PLECK: Every day?
BELMONT: Yeah!
NERMUT: So you'll be divorced later today.
BELMONT: Weeellll… Okay. Are you guys trustworthy people?
CREW: Uuuuuuhhhhhh….
PLECK: I don't think so. I don’t think so.
C-53: Yeah, it really…
PLECK: I mean, I guess it depe-
BELMONT: I mean, I kind of feel like they want to eat me?
DAR: I do. I absolutely do, let's be honest here.
BELMONT: And this guy wants to kill everyone in my species?
AJ: I mean, just…
AJ: [sheepishly] Do you guys not know what genocide is?
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: You know what…
PLECK: AJ, stop saying that!
AJ: Oops!!
PLECK: AJ, take off…
DAR: He’s doing that ‘shrug’ thing right now!
AJ: I learned it from him!
[audience laughs]
DAR: Uh-huh.
PLECK: Leftsergeant Belmont, I promise you no harm will befall you. We will not let AJ shoot anyone on this planet.
BELMONT: Okay. The reason for the marriage and divorcing is the Emperor.
PLECK: The emperor of this planet.
BELMONT: Yes.
PLECK: Yeah
C-53: Oh, sort of a sub-emperor from our perspective.
PLECK: Sure.
BELMONT: Captain… Phillips.
NERMUT: Right, right
C-53: Sure.
AJ: Yeah.
DAR: Uh-huh. We’ve all heard of him before!
AJ: Yeah, we’ve all heard of Captain Phillips.
PLECK: We all know Captain Phillips!
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: A lot of emperors go by captain.
AJ: Right, yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, I'm sorry, does he outrank you, or…?
AJ: So you remember when he, like… cause I remember seeing the-
DAR: Oh, YOU know about this?
AJ: I do. Just… humor me.
DAR: Uh-huh! [laughing]
AJ: I remember when he ascended the throne and he was like..
AJ AND C-53: ‘I’m the Captain now.’
PLECK: Okay, all right.
BELMONT: So, Captain Phillips the Emperor.
PLECK: [laughing] He didn’t decide to change his name to Emperor Phillips?
BELMONT: Sorry, what do you mean?
PLECK: Never mind.
BELMONT: His name is Captain Phillips and he is the Emperor.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Emperor Captain Phillips.
BELMONT: What's not to understand about that?
C-53: I think you explained it pretty thoroughly.
PLECK: You're right, I'm sorry.
BELMONT: His first name is Captain. Second name is Phillips.
AJ: That's why he's like “I am the captain now.”
BELMONT: But he isn't A captain. His first name is Captain.
C-53: And then he was THE captain, right?
AJ: I'm no longer a captain, I'm–
BELMONT: No, he's… he's called captain.
AJ: Right.
BELMONT: But he's not a captain!
AJ: I think we're saying the same thing. All right, all right.
C-53: In the same way where, like, you're A man, if you became an emperor you'd be THE man. You could be a captain but then if you became emperor–
PLECK: Okay I think I'm getting this–
DAR: But let’s–
C-53: You wanna keep talking about this for another five to ten minutes?
WIFE: [walking up] Pleck! Pleck! Time to consummate!
PLECK: Oh!
[transition music]
DAR: Honestly, it felt the same when we weren't married.
NERMUT: I know! Just, like you, you get the instructions out of the box and then you put out the furniture pieces…
DAR: And then you build the furniture!
NERMUT: Yeah. And then you juck. [worried] Wait, we did it out of order!
DAR: Oh.
C-53: Well, AJ, I've checked and they're gonna let us off the hook on the consummation thing because you have no genitals.
AJ: Yeah, I don't have genitals. Yep!
C-53: There's… there's other things we could do.
AJ: I mean we could fool around, I don't know.
C-53: You're…. AJ, I mean, it's no skin off my nose, it's up to you.
AJ: No, I don't know, I mean whatever you want to do. I mean, this guy, didn't he have a secret he wanted to tell us?
C-53: Oh, that's right!
DAR: Oh, we got so distracted by the furniture and the jucking!
AJ: I know. It's been an hour, no joke, and he's sort of been kind of hopping on either either little… [confused] foot? What do I want to say…
C-53: You can say foot!
AJ: I guess, but you still want to tell us your secret?
BELMONT: Oh, sure, so–
AJ: I'm sorry, thanks for waiting.
BELMONT: Sure.
AJ: We had a lot of like business, we were all–
PLECK: [interrupting] Guys guys guys guys! If Wife asks where I am, no one tell her, okay?
C-53: Okay.
BELMONT: Did you, uh…
PLECK: No, no, well, she was like “okay I'm gonna lay two and a half million eggs here, and then you just fertilize them, and then…” and I was like “sure thing I'll get right to it.” So she took off, but if if she asks, tell her I did it.
DAR: [horrified] Wait, so you just… killed all those eggs?
PLECK: No? What? No! I just…
AJ: That’s a genocide!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: No, no! I didn't kill them, I just… I just didn't fertilize them.
AJ: Congrats, Papa!
C-53: So they're going to…
AJ: The first one's always the one you remember.
PLECK: What?
AJ: Yeah, you don't remember the rest but the first one you're like… “wow, this is messed up.”
C-53: Pleck, also, I have to say, you know, starting your relationship on this foundation of lies…. it's just–
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Well, it's not good for the future of the relationship.
NERMUT: You should probably go back, and you know, on the sex–
PLECK: What!? I'm… no, I don't… first of all, I don't even know how I would do that!
C-53: Oh, Pleck… are we that far back?
DAR: [delighted] Ooh! Oooh! Can I be the one to tell him? PLEASE!
AJ: [gesturing to Belmont] He has a secret!
DAR: Okay, okay, yeah. We will talk LATER, Pleck!
PLECK: Okay, I don't want to do that.
DAR: That is a parenting conversation I'm excited about!
PLECK: Okay.
BELMONT: I mean, I can teach you to fertilize two and a half million eggs.
PLECK: Uh, yeah…
NERMUT: That was your secret?
BELMONT: Oh, that's no secret, I'll do that in front of anyone.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Listen Belmontm what's what's the secret?
BELMONT: Okay, so the Emperor–
NERMUT: Captain.
BELMONT: Captain Phillips. He began as a very virtuous and well-meaning Emperor, he was a fantastic guy. The whole… the whole planet was wonderful.
AJ: Sounds like everything's good!
PLECK: It's a setup. He's setting up the rest–
AJ: Oh! Oh sorry. Well, he doesn't… okay.
BELMONT: And I wish, AJ, that it had stated that way.
AJ: So do I! It sounds like it's going to!
C-53: AJ, give him five seconds.
PLECK: It’s just the first part of the story!
BELMONT: And then…
AJ: [horrified] Oh no.
[audience laughs]
AJ: Why did you tell me everything was fine!?
C-53: It's context for the story!
AJ: I don't… okay.
PLECK: [shouting] Do you know what a story is, AJ?!
AJ: No! Keep going!
C-53: AJ, AJ…
AJ: Okay.
[Servo noises]
NERMUT: Ooh, they're making out.
DAR: [laughs[
BELMONT: The Emperor had a wife.
AJ: Sounds good.
PLECK: [laughing] AJ, can you just turn off your… the speaker on your helmet?
AJ: You got it.
BELMONT: called Boot. And Captain Phillips and Boot had a wonderful relationship, and then he met another woman. I say woman, I of course mean female Crabbo.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Sure.
DAR: Was she covered in mayonnaise? I know it's a regional thing, you can do mayo or hot butter but I'm not picky.
BELMONT: Again I would ask you, out of respect to me, to stop consuming my…. Body?
DAR: I'm only doing it with my eyes right now.
BELMONT: Anyway, he had learned the pleasures of the flesh.
DAR: [excited] UH HUH?
C-53: No no, not like that, Dar.
BELMONT: He began playing away. He began having affairs. People began to criticize him having affairs, they were saying “we shouldn't have an Emperor who has affairs!” So he changed the law. That every day you must marry a different person and have a different partner every day. And so his behavior was not just virtuous, it was legal! And it was imposed on all of us. And that's why you've had to marry Wife.
C-53: [offended] Changing how people get married just because you're in charge!? I can't believe that would ever happen! What kind of messed up place would allow that?
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Wait, C-53, you're doing that thing with your arms.
AJ: [calmly] Hey, Leftsergeant, I really loved that story. It had a beginning, a middle, and an end, and I was captivated the entire time. Kudos to you and to everyone involved. [aside] Was that okay? Was that an appropriate response?
DAR: That was very nice!
AJ: Thank you.
PLECK: That's good.
BELMONT: [confused] And that was the first story you've ever heard?
AJ: Yeah! Was that the secret?
C-53: No, AJ…
AJ: What?! What the juck is happening, why are we listening–
DAR: We needed the emotional context.
AJ: Okay. What’s the secret?
BELMONT: Listen to me, I want to introduce you to someone–
JIRA: Hello!
BELMONT: There she is! She's been hiding beneath my flaps this entire time.
CREW: Oh!
BELMONT: Her name is Jira, she's been my wife… for six months
[audience gasps]
AJ: Twist!
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Leftsergeant, how are you able to get away with this?!
BELMONT: Well, we do it in secret. She can never be seen in public, apart from now because I trust you guys. I don't really trust you so much–
DAR: Okay. That’s warranted.
PLECK: Where did you get that bib Dar? That, like, plastic–
DAR: I always wear this plastic bib.
C-53: I don't think I've ever seen you with that.
PLECK: What?
DAR: No.
C-53: It has a Crabbo on it!
DAR: Yeah yeah. I always wear this plastic bib and I always carry this knife and fork.
PLECK: [laughing] I don't think I've ever seen you with that. I've never seen you wear that.
JIRA: Hi I'm Jira. I'm uh.
AJ: What's that?
JIRA: Shh shh shh! I'm not supposed to be in public. We actually had a debate about who's the one who's gonna be in public and who's gonna be the one hiding and… whoops, it was me! I got that one. That's fine. Cause, I–
AJ: Yeah, that's cool that it's the guy that's in public and uh–
JIRA: The thing is, um….. I love him.
PLECK: Oh, that's really beautiful.
JIRA: And I've, uh, you're not supposed to do that here. You're just supposed to be with one person and on to the next and on to the next.
AJ: Are you teeing up a story? What's going on?
PLECK: No, I think she's just talking.
BELMONT: And you know, the reason that we know we're in love? We went to the furniture store.
JIRA: Yeah.
BELMONT: We bought a flat back cabinet.
JIRA: [murmuring] Flat back cabinet.
BELMONT: And we put it together.
JIRA: Put it together.
PLECK: Yeah.
BELMONT: And it was fine.
C-53: Wow.
NERMUT: Wow.
PLECK: That didn't lead to… that didn't lead to a relationship destroying–
JIRA: We didn't even look at the instructions.
CREW: What?
JIRA: No.
BELMONT: Didn't even use the enclosed allen key.
JIRA: No.
C-53: What are you talking about?!
PLECK: How is that possible?
JIRA: All the wood just fit together like it was meant to be!
BELMONT: That's right.
NERMUT: Wow. We used the allen key if you know what I'm saying…
C-53: Alright, alright.
AJ: [confused] What?
[audience laughs]
JIRA: But if somebody finds out about me, well, you know what'll happen.
C-53: No, I don't think we do.
DAR: Actually no.
PLECK: What's the punishment for not getting divorced at the end of the day?
BELMONT: If Emperor Captain Phillips finds out that me and Jira are in love, I have to eat Jira.
C-53: Oh no.
PLECK: What?
DAR: [excited] Hell yeah!
C-53: Dar. This is the wrong time for that excitement.
JIRA: Again, we had a debate about who would be the one eating who, and again I'm like… whoops! I'm the one who got that one, again. But it's okay because we're in love.
C-53: Seems weird that both of those arguments you lost.
BELMONT: I'm pretty overbearing.
[audience laughs]
PLECK: Wow. You know, that's terrible.
JIRA: [crying] I have to see him be with other people… just so we can pretend we're still part of the society.
PLECK: So do you get fake married to other Crabbos to keep the illusion up?
BELMONT: Everyday I get married to a different Crabbo, but I know that Jira's the one I really love.
AJ: Aww.
PLECK: Wow.
BELMONT: Obviously, it's a real bind that I have to consummate every marriage like everyday like.
JIRA: [shouting] Yeah, that kinda sucks.
C-53: Yeah, while you're consummating the marriage is Jira still in the flap?
BELMONT: She's in the flap.
JIRA: [sadly] Just listening to music! You know!
PLECK: Belmont, maybe there's something we can do to help. Maybe you can come with us and get off of the planet. You can avoid the rules of Emperor Captain Phillips!
BELMONT: The problem is as soon as I leave this planet my flaps will dry up.
C-53: Oh yeah, it's very humid here because of all the suns.
BELMONT: Listen, I could survive… if you baste me constantly.
PLECK: Baste you?
C-53: Well, the water would dry up so quickly.
BELMONT: You'd be better off using… like, a sort of herb butter.
C-53: Oh sure.
DAR: Maybe an olive oil. I don't know.
PLECK: Why are the herbs important?
BELMONT: [laughing] The herbs! Just keep it fresh!
PLECK: I do love keeping it fresh.
BELMONT: [quiet] Listen, Jira gets quite… funky under there.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Do you want to speak to that?
JIRA: [funky voice] Yeah, I get real funky. Ooooh I get funky! Just like, smells you've never seen!
AJ: Well yeah.
JIRA: I'm doing fine.
C-53: Okay. Alright. Nobody said otherwise.
PLECK: Guys listen. Leftsergeant Belmont, can I just talk to C-53 and Dar and the rest of the crew just for a second?
AJ: We call this an aside. So we all go by ourselves, and…
DAR: Whisper to each other over here.
BELMONT: So you are aware of some narrative devices, just–
AJ: Not stories.
BELMONT: …not stories.
PLECK: Okay. Can we just have one secon–
JIRA: We do that too but we call it an inside!
C-53: Oh sure.
AJ: Right, because you're–
DAR: …inside.
C-53: We'll just step over here.
[the crew walks aside]
PLECK: Okay, listen C-53, I feel like… on one hand I want Belmont to be with Jira if he wants to be… but I also feel like their relationship is a little jucked up.
C-53: He's not a great husband.
PLECK: Yeah, I know. He's kind of a jerk!
DAR: I feel like I should eat him.
C-53: Dar, that seems…
PLECK: I think we can find a solution that doesn't involve any of us eating any of other us.
NERMUT: [slowly] Guys, look! There's a…. is that an Imperial cruiser? It says Captain Phillips. No! Emperor Captain Phillips!
AJ: Did you just see the emperor part? How did you not read that?
C-53: Well, in fairness you can see the ships as Captain Phillips, and then a sort of hastily scrawled emperor in front of it in a different font.
PLECK: Okay, Nermut!
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: You just gave me an idea.
NERMUT: What's that?
PLECK: What if… Now just bear with me.
C-53: Okay.
PLECK: In order to change these laws we might have to go aboard that Imperial ship.
DAR: [excited] And eat him!
PLECK: No no no. And hijack the ship! Listen–
C-53: [disbelief] Hijack the ship from Captain Phillips!
PLECK: Listen. Bear with me! What if one of us was to go up and be like “I'm the captain now.”
C-53: You're talking crazy!
PLECK: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
BELMONT: You know who could infiltrate Emperor Captain Phillips' ship?
[Belmont clacks]
C-53: I believe he's elected himself to that job.
AJ: Okay!
[transition music]
C-53: [deadpan surprise] Wow. That was so easy.
PLECK: No guards on this ship!
BELMONT: We're a very trusting species.
PLECK: I mean, I guess everybody's sort of busy like fighting and jucking and fertilizing and breaking up.
C-53: Building furniture.
PLECK: I thought this was a militaristic society! There's nobody around at all.
BELMONT: Again that's deeply racist. These are old fashioned stereotypes, we've moved on!
PLECK: Okay. Alright. Alright. I guess we just go in. Is Emperor Captain Phillips in this?
NERMUT: He's probably at that big steering wheel.
PHILLIPS: [shouting] Ah yeah!
C-53: [laughing] Seems to really be loving it.
PHILLIPS: Ah! Nothing like the open sea!
BELMONT: Now that's racist.
PHILLIPS: The Imperial Crabbo Navy! How's this going? Good? No? Okay.
PLECK: Wow, he sounds… weird, right? He sounds different than you.
BELMONT: Yeah, I think he grew up on a different planet. And then he's trying to do our accent but no one's that convinced.
C-53: It’s a bit shitty.
PLECK: Man, I do not like Emperor Captain Phillips. I'll tell ya.
PHILLIPS: [dropping the voice and speaking to himself] No one can know. No one can know that I grew up on a different planet.
DAR: I mean, but he knew it right away.
PHILLIPS: [surprised] What? Who are you? Who are you?
NERMUT: We're here with Belmont and you've got… company.
DAR: You should have said that far more confidently.
PHILLIPS: Who the fuck are you?
PLECK: It's a very weird word.
PHILLIPS: [worried] I mean. [shouting in voice] How dare you? Sorry, I don't… My accent's a secret that I don't tell anyone.
BELMONT: This is your original accent?
PHILLIPS: [normal voice] Yeah, this is it. Right here.
BELMONT: Why can't you just be yourself?
PHILLIPS: Because I feel like, y’know, I'm the captain now. It's so stressful to have to kind of puff myself up and do this accent, and… you guys noticed I have this giant funny hat and a big feather in it. But inside, inside it's like there's somebody else inside of me. Do you know how that feels? [long pause] Well, do you?
BELMONT: Yeah. And you're like but I want to fertilize it as well!
NERMUT: [whispering] Belmont! Don't forget to usurp him!
PLECK: [whispering] Yeah Belmont, Belmont, stay on target, man!
JIRA: Hey, hi!
PHILLIPS: Whoa!
JIRA: Hi there. It's me, Jira. You know me. I was one of your wives one time, right?
PHILLIPS: [slowly] Jira, oh… you look… great.
JIRA: And maybe you should deal with some issues that you've been letting go for many years which has affected the rest of society!
PLECK: Oh no.
PHILLIPS: [regretful] Oh. Yeah you're right. There's some issues I need to deal with on my own. And so I should probably… take off this funny hat. I will crown a new emperor and I'll crown the person who's given it to me straight. And it's you Jira.
JIRA: What? What? [weird voice] What? What? What? What?
PHILLIPS: Yes, you're the captain now!
JIRA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This feels bad!
PHILLIPS: Exactly. Heavy is the head that wears the funny hat.
JIRA: Oi!
PLECK: Oh no. Oh no.
JIRA: New law in the land.
BELMONT: So the thing is, Jira, obviously you're now like officially speaking the emperor and you're in charge of the whole planet. But as your husband I'm still kind of–
JIRA: Nope. Nope.
C-53: Oh, where did those guards come from?
[Guards scuttle in]
JIRA: Nope.
PLECK: Oh, now there are a bunch of guards!
C-53: They really popped out of nowhere!
BELMONT: [worried] Please, please, please. What's going on? What?
JIRA: In this past six months, what are five things you actually know about me?
C-53: Oh boy.
BELMONT: How many things do I have to tell you?
C-53 AND JIRA: Five.
BELMONT: Okay. You smell kind of funky.
C-53: Oof, rough start.
JIRA: [angry] Not a thing.
BELMONT: You're really into… tennis?
JIRA: That's right.
PHILLIPS: It's a classic Crabbo game.
C-53: Well, it's a lot of side to side motion.
PHILLIPS: Yeah, it's side to side motion.
PLECK: You’re very good.
PHILLIPS: And we use our clompers just to like–
BELMONT: You're really into line dancing?
JIRA: I love it.
C-53: Again. Similar reason.
PHILLIPS: Back and forth. It's easy.
C-53: Two more.
BELMONT: Yeah. Yeah. You really into my allen key?
JIRA: We never used one.
C-53: I think that might have been metaphorical.
JIRA: [realizing] Oh! Yes yes yes yes yes!
BELMONT: And I guess your favorite food… Is… I guess I–
JIRA: It's you!
PLECK: Oh no.
BELMONT: What?
JIRA: You're so delicious.
NERMUT: [worried] Oh! They're covering him in butter sauce!
BELMONT: [freaking out] Whoa! No, no, no, no, no! Please, please, please!
PHILLIPS: No. Eat me.
DAR: No, no. I'm going to eat you and she's going to eat him.
[Cracking sounds]
C-53: Whoa, you just cracked right through the shell of him!
PHILLIPS: [screaming] My clomper! No, just please kill me! Don't eat me alive!
DAR: Oh, it's better when it's this fresh!
BELMONT: [bargaining] Please! Out of respect for me and my body! Please don't eat my body in the way you're eating my body!
JIRA: [eating]
PLECK: I feel like this plan really backfired. I was trying to save a relationship and I sort of made cannibalism happen.
NERMUT: Guys, I realized we left AJ on the beach.
AJ: [quiet] Hey!
[transition]
DAR: Okay, Pleck, so: masturbation.
PLECK: I don't–
DAR: The way that works…
PLECK: No, it actually turned out I had to get divorced when we exited customs on the way off the planet. So you don't have to explain any of this to me anymore.
AJ: Hey, Rob– Hey, C-53?
C-53: Yeah?
AJ: We had a good run, you and I.
C-53: Yeah. Honestly, it's one of the best marriages I've ever been a part of.
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: You respected my space and I thank you for it.
AJ: Yeah. I was a little pissed off that you guys left me on the beach for the climax, but… would marry again!
C-53: Yeah. Same.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: How do you feel about having to be divorced from Dar on your way off the planet?
NERMUT: I feel like it's better to have loved and lost and gotten a small bureau than to have never loved nor had a bureau.
AJ: Beautiful.
BARGIE: Hey, Frederick.
FREDERICK: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh, hey, Bargie. How's it going with your cousin?
BARGIE: Hey, I just want to say I'm so glad you came over.
FREDERICK: Yeah.
BARGIE: Glad we talked things out. I told you everything about the crew. I gave you all the information you needed!
FREDERICK: Right.
PLECK: Wait, you told them about us?
BARGIE: Yup.
FREDERICK: Yeah. [long pause] I write fanfic.
[outro music, audience applauds]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Papa Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Wife and Jira were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy and Frederick were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Emperor Captain Phillips were played by Winston Noel. Leftsergeant Belmont was played by special guest comedian Benjamin Partridge. His own podcast, Beef and Dairy Network, can be heard wherever you listen to podcasts, including BBC Radio 4. This episode was sound designed and mixed live by Shade O'Connell. Recorded at the London Podcast Festival in London. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosted by Simplecast. And finally, Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. And a special thank you to our audience here at the London Podcast Festival! Thank you so much for coming out to the show.
Thanks again to Benjamin for guesting. Have a great night! [Applause]
THORNE: This week on Bullseye, Lin-Manuel Miranda on His Dark Materials, hip-hop and life after Hamilton.
LIN: I know it's the first line of my obituary. So if that line is handled, then what else can I do with my time here?
THORNE: It's Bullseye for MaximumFun.org and NPR.
THORNE: Hey, it's Jesse Thorne. We're very happy to announce that tickets for MaxFunCon 2020 will go on sale Friday, November 29th at 11am Pacific. I also want to let you know, this coming year, MaxFunCon 2020 will be our last MaxFunCon for the foreseeable future. For 2020 and beyond, we're going to be looking for ways to connect with more of you in person and spread the spirit of MaxFun farther than it's ever gone before. In the meantime, if you want to join us at the last MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead, June 12th through the 14th, you can find details at MaxFunCon.com.
MOUJAN: So we'd like to get you guys involved in our process. And what we'd like to do is use you as sound in our next season, which is coming up. And perhaps in the future we may have ghosts? We haven't done ghosts yet, but it's possible. You never know. And Shane doesn't have any ghost sounds yet. We need some ghost sounds. So on the count of three, if you guys can be like ghosts, being a little, like, shocked and disappointed, like, "Oh, no!"
[audience laughs]
ALDEN: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.
MOUJAN: We might need this!
ALDEN: Are they the ghosts? They're not normal people who saw ghosts.
MOUJAN: No, no, no. They're the ghosts. They themselves are shocked.
SETH: Shocked ghosts. Like, you're a ghost who just, "I think I saw a living person."
JEREMY: Yeah. Yeah, that's right. A ghost gets shocked. Are you excited for season four yet?
[audience laughs]
MOUJAN: Great. All right. So on the count of three. One, two, three.
[audience makes ghost sounds]