301: Down With the Emperor!
The crew has gone into hiding from the Emperor following the tumultuous events of the Battle of the Planet Crushers. Pleck makes a friend. Dar has news. Nermut gets discovered.
Please support the show during the MaxFunDrive!
Illustration by Eric Geusz
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ALDEN: Hey, everybody, it’s Alden Ford here with the whole cast of Mission to Zyxx!
[Greetings from the cast!]
ALDEN: We just have a quick message before we kick off season 3. So, as you probably know, we’re now part of the Maximum Fun network which we’re all VERY excited about and the reason we joined the network is actually… you. Maximum Fun exists primarily through listener support. And in the last year, uh, some of you may know, and some of you may have supported us on our Patreon. And we learned in the last year that listener support is SO important to us. Not only because it’s a great way to interact with our listeners and our fans and give them cool stuff, but it’s actually the thing that allows our show to continue. Mission to Zyxx is a big, ambitious show with a lot of moving parts and it was the listener support we got through Patreon that made Season 2 possible. So, from now on all that listener support will come through Maximum Fun, and specifically the Max Fun Drive which is happening as we speak and which is the reason you’re hearing this message rather than ads during this episode. So, here is your mission: please go to maximumfun.org/donate, select any level of monthly support that works for you, and when you’re asked about your listening preferences click Mission to Zyxx, and your donation will go to us. It is not an exaggeration to say that the future of our show depends on you doing this. So, if you enjoy Mission to Zyxx, the sound design, the production process, uh, the characters, the storyline, if it means something to you, even a sliver of how much it means to us to get to make it for you, this is your chance to literally produce the show with us. So, at maximumfun.org/donate you’ll see monthly levels for pretty much any budget. From $5 a month up to $200 a month. And, yes, you are more than welcome to give $200 a month! People who can afford it and love Max Fun shows actually DO give that much so, I dunno, join them! Most people choose $10, $20, or $35 a month, and you can choose whatever level is right for you. So, after this episode, we’ll tell you all about the bonus content that you’ll get for joining: live episodes, mailbag episodes, ringtones, plus an exclusive piece of physical Mission to Zyxx merch that you can only get during this year’s drive. But, apart from all that cool stuff, which is cool, the real reason we want you to support this show is the show itself, which can truly only exist through your support. And we promise you, the support that you give us is put directly into the show to make it better, to make it bigger, to make it more ambitious, and to make it more sustainable for all seven of us to be able to keep making it. So, to prove that to you, we felt it was very important to take season 3 up a notch, and, so, the very first thing you’re about to hear at the beginning of this episode, and I’m not kidding about this, is a 55 piece orchestra playing our brand new season 3 music. We are so excited that we were able to do this and we did it with the very last scraps of the money we made on Patreon. Could we afford to do this? Uhh, is this strictly speaking in line with what a podcast might expect to pay for music? Probably not. But, did we do it anyway because we want our show to be the most incredible, immersive, epically produced scifi podcast ever? Yes. Yes, we did. So please prove us right that this is what YOU want, too, at maximumfun.org/donate. Select your level and click Mission to Zyxx. The goal of this year’s Max Fun Drive is 25,000 new or upgrading members and we would be thrilled if you, our listeners, helped reach that goal. So, if you’ve supported us on Patreon, please move that support over to Maximum Fun. And if you enjoy this show but you haven’t gotten around to supporting yet, we would SO appreciate it if now is the time that you considered doing that. And if you’re a Maximum Fun listener who’s gotten into our show, and thank you so much for the warm welcome by the way, on social and on Reddit and, uh, everywhere, it’s been AMAZING to hear Maximum Fun listeners start to catch on to this show. It’s so great. We would be honored if you added us, uh, to the list of shows you support and even consider increasing your level. So, that’s maximumfun.org/donate. Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s REALLY hard to describe how much we enjoy making this show for you and with you. So with that in mind, please enjoy episode 1 of season 3 of Mission to Zyxx.
//
[04:26]
NARRATOR: The galaxy has fallen under the shadow of Nermut Bundaloy. Not that one, the other one. Six months have passed since the Battle of the Planet Crushers where Gunter Ballwheat annihilated the Council of Six, destroyed The Rebellion, changed his name, and crowned himself Emperor of the Galaxy. Thanks to Beano’s noble sacrifice, former rebel emissary Pleck Decksetter and his crew have escaped the Emperor’s clutches, fleeing to the opulent entertainment planet, Holowood where their starship, The Bargarean Jade, has abandoned them for the intoxicating trappings of fame. Without passage back to the distant Zyxx Quadrant, our intrepid heroes have separated and gone into hiding while the Emperor’s power continues to grow. Will they answer the call to defend the galaxy from Wackness and bring balance to The Space? Only if they can find one another, steel their courage, and set out on another Mission to Zyxx!
[Main Theme]
[A strike team of C.L.I.N.T.s approach their drop zone]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Approaching drop zone.
C.L.I.N.T. 1: Alright, boys!
ROBOTIC VOICE: Forty-five seconds.
C.L.I.N.T. 1: Approaching drop zone!
C.L.I.N.T. 2: Alright, boys!
C.L.I.N.T. 3: Alright, C.L.I.N.T.s!
SEVERAL C.L.I.N.T.s [overlapping]: Approaching drop zone!
C.L.I.N.T. 4: Everybody knows I’m the best at jumping out of carriers.
C.L.I.N.T. 5: I’m pretty much sure I’m the best at jumping out of carriers.
C.L.I.N.T. 6: Uhh, I dunno, I-uh, during training Ms. Fitzmeyer said I was the best.
C.L.I.N.T. 7: Oh, that’s what I heard.
C.L.I.N.T. 1: Remember, Emperor Bundaloy wants the subject alive.
C.L.I.N.T. 6: Yeah, I was just about to say that, um, we should all remember that Emperor Bundaloy wants the subject alive.
C.L.I.N.T. 4: Uhh, ‘kay, I might be a little late to this but we should all point out that the Emperor wants the subject alive.
C.L.I.N.T. 2: Yeah, we were all saying that.
C.L.I.N.T. 4: Are we all saying that?
C.L.I.N.T. 2: Yeah, we’re all saying-
ROBOTIC VOICE: Ten seconds to drop.
C.L.I.N.T. 2: Alright, lock and load! [Readies blaster]
C.L.I.N.T. 5: Lock and load! [Readies blaster]
C.L.I.N.T. 6: Lock and load! [Readies blaster]
C.L.I.N.T. 7: Hey, guys? Lock and load! [Readies blaster]
C.L.I.N.T. 3: Yeah, we know.
C.L.I.N.T. 4: Guys? [Readies blaster] Lock and load.
C.L.I.N.T. 1: We all know.
C.L.I.N.T. 2: We’re all locked and loaded.
[Spaceship hatch opens]
C.L.I.N.T. 3: Alright, on my count.
C.L.I.N.T. 1: No, on MY count. On my-
C.L.I.N.T. 4: Just somebody count! Somebody-
C.L.I.N.T. 2: Alright, three… two… and-
C.L.I.N.T. 7: Alright, let’s lock and load boys! [Readies blaster]
[C.L.I.N.T.s jump out of hatch]
C.L.I.N.T.s [overlapping]: Free falling! / We’re free falling! / Now in free fall! / I’m free! I’m free falling! / Now I’m free!/Let’s free fall!
C.L.I.N.T. 5: I’m the best at free falling.
[Busy outdoor public space with Holowood tourists and street vendors hawking their wares]
HAWKER: Bargie merch! Get your merch for The Bargarean Jade!
TOURIST: Where is the Hollywood sign? I can’t see it.
BYSTANDER: What IS that?
[Screams from bystanders as C.L.I.N.T. strike team lands]
MULTIPLE C.L.I.N.T.s: Get down on the ground!
[Multiple blasters being readied]
C.L.I.N.T. 1: In the name of Emperor Bundaloy, get down on the ground!
PLECK: You want ME to get down on the ground?
C.L.I.N.T. 4: Uh, yeah that’s what we said.
PLECK: Aren’t we all on the ground right now? Gravity dictates that, uh, you know, each of us is on the ground.
C.L.I.N.T. 1: What?
C.L.I.N.T. 3: What?
C.L.I.N.T. 7: What?
C.L.I.N.T. 2: What?
C.L.I.N.T. 5: What?
C.L.I.N.T. 6: What?
PLECK: We’re all a little bit on the ground, but you guys are gonna be… more on the ground.
[Wood saber swishing]
C.L.I.N.T. 1: He’s got a stick! AGH!
[Pleck bludgeons multiple C.L.I.N.T.s to death with his wood saber while they yell noisily]
[One C.L.I.N.T. is left alive and Pleck turns to him]
PLECK: You. Drop that blaster.
C.L.I.N.T.: Okay…
[Blaster hits ground]
PLECK: I think you picked the wrong target, strike team.
[Swish of wood saber]
C.L.I.N.T.: No, we picked the right target. Are you saying that we picked-
PLECK: No, I mean, like-
C.L.I.N.T.: It was the correct target.
PLECK: No, you- yeah, it was definitely me that you were after. I’m just saying you shouldn’t have picked me. Like, you picked the wrong-
C.L.I.N.T.: But we were ordered to, is what I’m saying.
PLECK: [Sighs]
C.L.I.N.T.: You’re Pleck Decksetter.
PLECK: That’s right.
[08:43] C.L.I.N.T.: The Emperor said you were a powerful warrior.
PLECK: No, [swish of wood saber] I’m a Zima warrior.
C.L.I.N.T.: Is that different from powerful?
PLECK: Oh, no. It’s- uh- yeah, it’s more specific.
C.L.I.N.T.: Should I start saying “Zima” instead of “powerful” now, or?
PLECK: No, no. They’re not synonyms.
C.L.I.N.T.: I can. I mean-
PLECK: No!
C.L.I.N.T.: So-
PLECK: But I’m a-
C.L.I.N.T.: Why didn’t you say-
PLECK: [Sighs]
C.L.I.N.T.: The Emperor wants you captured.
PLECK: [Laughs] Yeah, I know.
C.L.I.N.T.: Did you not- We were supposed to bring you in alive.
PLECK: Listen, I left YOU alive because you’re gonna go back to the Emperor and tell him that Pleck Decksetter is coming for him.
C.L.I.N.T.: I’m never going back to the Emperor.
PLECK: Uh, what?
C.L.I.N.T.: I wanna join you.
PLECK: No. No, no, no. You have to go- you’re the messenger n- you- you’re the only one alive. You have to go back. You have to-
C.L.I.N.T.: But I’m changed now. This encounter-
PLECK: How?
C.L.I.N.T.: - has changed me.
PLECK: How has this changed you?
C.L.I.N.T.: I’m different now from all the other C.L.I.N.T.s.
PLECK: Well, that’s… genetically-
C.L.I.N.T.: I mean, I thought I was- I mean, I’m the best. I was sort of better than them, you know what I mean?
PLECK: Mmhmm…
C.L.I.N.T.: I was exceptional.
PLECK: Yeah, I’m gonna- I- I gotta go, actually.
C.L.I.N.T.: I’m going with you.
PLECK: No. No, no.
C.L.I.N.T.: I’m- I’m renouncing my C.L.I.N.T.-dom.
PLECK: I- that’s-
C.L.I.N.T.: Seeing this, feeling- it was something, like, it felt like you were really in tune with, uh, there was, like, space between everybody?
PLECK: [With gravity] What was that?
C.L.I.N.T.: What?
PLECK: What did you say?
C.L.I.N.T.: There was, like, space between everybody? It felt like you were kinda moving through it?
PLECK: Yes.
C.L.I.N.T.: You fell down a bunch-
PLECK: Yes! Yes!
C.L.I.N.T.: - but you also hit people with that stick.
PLECK: The- Y- you saw that?
C.L.I.N.T.: Mmhmm. What’s your mission?
PLECK: My mission? My mission is to defeat Wackness in all of its forms. My mission is to unite the galaxy in Freshness.
C.L.I.N.T.: And I want to be part of the Fresh.
PLECK: You know it’s not- not just as easy as saying that. You have to LIVE Fresh, you know? You have to live-
C.L.I.N.T.: I have to eat Fresh?
PLECK: Yes, you have to live- live mas and eat Fresh.
C.L.I.N.T.: I’m lovin’ it.
[A family of tourists approaches]
TOURIST #1: Sorry to interrupt. Um-
C.L.I.N.T.: Oh.
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
TOURIST #1: No, you two seem to be in a bit of a conversation.
PLECK: Uh, sorry, yes-
TOURIST #1: Can you take a picture of my family and I? We’ve never been to Holowood before.
PLECK: Uh-
C.L.I.N.T.: Uh, yeah, I can- I can take it. Okay, hold on. One… two… three.
[Simultaneously]
TOURIST’S FAMILY: Bargie!
[Camera shutter clicks]
C.L.I.N.T.: Okay.
TOURIST #1: Can you do it again? Um, I want the Holowood sign behind me.
C.L.I.N.T.: Oh yeah-
PLECK: Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
TOURIST #1: Can you also do portrait mode?
PLECK: You know what? Let me do it.
C.L.I.N.T.: Don’t get your whole hand in there like I did.
PLECK: Your whole hand?!
C.L.I.N.T.: Yeah.
PLECK: Uhh, okay. One… two… three.
[Simultaneously]
TOURIST’S FAMILY: Bargie!
[Camera shutter clicks]
PLECK: Enjoy your trip to Holowood.
TOURIST #2: I look weird.
TOURIST #1: Oh, wow, is that what I look like?!
PLECK: Listen, I- I- I’m a Zima warrior. I can’t- don’t really have time to take mult-
TOURIST #2: We weren’t talkin’ to you.
PLECK: Okay.
TOURIST #1: This photo makes me sad!
PLECK: Well, I’m just saying don’t blame me for taking a weird photo of- you’re sort of a weird looking person.
TOURIST #2: Hey, you’ve gotta weird lookin’ eye patch!
PLECK: I- I- I lost an eye in battle!
TOURIST #2: I didn’t tell you to do that!
PLECK: I know, but I’m just saying don’t- don’t call out- you’re weird looking because I- I think you have bad taste in hair and- and your clothing.
TOURIST #2: Well, sounds like we’ve both got a lot to answer for.
TOURIST #1: Honey, let’s just move on. We’re gonna be late to the Tiny Toots Memoriam Museum.
[The family of tourists walks off]
C.L.I.N.T.: So… Master Decksetter.
PLECK: [Surprised] What?!
C.L.I.N.T.: I renounce the Bundaloy Empire.
PLECK: Uh, no- no, I’m just- I was-
C.L.I.N.T.: I will serve you the rest of my days!
PLECK: Okay, that’s not necessary.
C.L.I.N.T.: I’m- I’m the C.L.I.N.T. that’s the best at having, you know, a spiritual epiphany and then changing my ways.
PLECK: Uh huh. [[*Note: Affirmative but with an unconvinced tone*]]
C.L.I.N.T.: And I will serve you and- is it magic or religion?
PLECK: No.
C.L.I.N.T.: What is it?
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: No. I- I’m glad you asked. It’s The Space, actually. It’s a sorta mystical, uh, force you might say, / that kinda holds the-
C.L.I.N.T.: / So it’s religion?
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: No, it’s kind- you have to believe in it so / in that way-
C.L.I.N.T.: / So that’s religion to me.
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Yeah, but I don’t get / into the-
C.L.I.N.T.: / But it’s also magic?
PLECK: Okay, it’s not-
C.L.I.N.T.: Is that what you’re tryin’ to say? Seems like you’re trying to keep your options open on this one.
PLECK: I know what it is.
C.L.I.N.T.: Alright.
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Listen, go tell the Emperor / I’m coming for him.
C.L.I.N.T.: / Yeah, okay, I’ll go.
C.L.I.N.T.: I’ll go! But I- then I guess you’ll never find your crew again.
PLECK: … My crew?
C.L.I.N.T.: Yeah, all the other strike teams are going after your friends who used to be your crewmates.
PLECK: [Sighs] Then there’s no time to waste… Fine, you can come with me. What’s your call sign?
[Crosstalk]
C.L.I.N.T.: My call sign is A-J-two-eight-eight-four, but you can call me “two- / eight-eight-four”.
PLECK: / “AJ”.
[Simultaneously]
AJ-2884 & PLECK: What??
PLECK: Wh-
AJ-2884: Why would-
PLECK: Why would I call you “two-eight-eight-four”? “AJ” is a real na- you just happen to have a call sign with a real name in it! It has a ring to it!
AJ-2884: “Two-eight-eight-four” is not a real name?
PLECK: No.
AJ-2884: I could go with “AJ”. That sounds fine.
PLECK: Okay, “AJ”, I like it.
AJ: I’ll be AJ. I’ll follow you, Pleck Decksetter, to the ends of the galaxy.
PLECK: Where do we start?
[Crosstalk]
AJ: Well, I have C-53, / a protocol and diplomatic relations droid.
PLECK: / [Sharp intake of breath]
PLECK: He’s so much more than that.
AJ: He has, like, knives in his hands or something?
PLECK: No. No, he’s just- he’s my best friend.
AJ: But you said he’s more than that.
PLECK: My closest advisor.
AJ: Alright.
PLECK: C-53’s in danger and we will do WHATEVER it takes to extract him from his situation! Are you ready?
AJ: Yes!
PLECK: Tell me where he is.
[Scene transitions to a fast food restaurant]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Order up.
C-53: Alright, so that’s one Bargie combo, that’s a small milkshake, and two orders of On-N-Off fries.
CUSTOMER #1: No, no, no. Sorry, what’s the size between “small” and “very big”?
C-53: Are you talking about “medium”?
CUSTOMER #1: No. What’s the size between “SMALL” and “VERY BIG”?
C-53: “Medium”?
CUSTOMER #1: No, no…
CUSTOMER #2: [Serenely] Excuse me, I just wanted you to know that I’m patiently waiting, not worried at all about the duration of this exchange.
C-53: Glad to hear it.
CUSTOMER #2: Onward, as you were.
CUSTOMER #3: I really just wanna find out whether Off-N-On Burger is as good as Space Shack.
C-53: Well, it’s “On-N-Off Burger”, sir, and, uh, it’s sort of a different-
CUSTOMER #4: ‘Scuse me! Excuse me!
C-53: Yes?
CUSTOMER #4: I choked on the toy-
C-53: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
CUSTOMER #4: - so I’m going to sue. What is your name?
C-53: My name is C-53, madam. I’m a Yumbassador here at On-N-Off Burger.
CUSTOMER #4: I have two mouths so-
C-53: Well, you can’t be choking from the mouth you’re speaking to me from.
CUSTOMER #2: [Serenely] No hurry on my end!
CUSTOMER #3: This is exactly- so far it’s exactly like Space Shack.
[Choking noises]
C-53: Ma’am, could you run into the back of that chair over there?
CUSTOMER #4: Okay…
[Impact]
BARGIE TOY: [Robotically] I’m a Bargie toy…
CUSTOMER #2: [Calmly] Oh, the toy is out.
BARGIE TOY: I’m a Bargie toy… I’m a Bargie toy…
[Toy continues to repeat “I’m a Bargie toy” in the background]
C-53: Yeah.
CUSTOMER #2: [Serenely] Halfway through my three hour lunch hour.
C-53: What will it be today, ma’am?
CUSTOMER #1: Let’s just do it all Bargie style.
C-53: You’ve got it! That’s one Bargie combo, one Bargie style small milkshake, and some Bargie style On-N-Off fries.
CUSTOMER #1: Oh! I’ve forgotten my wallet!
C-53: Ah.
CUSTOMER #1: [Walking away] Abigail, you’ve done it again!
[Bell chimes as Customer #1/Abigail leaves On-N-Off Burger]
C-53: Abigail, I do hope you’ll join us again and I’ll dispose of this meal. In the meantime, have a great day! Thanks for coming to On-N-Off Burger!
CUSTOMER #2: Ah, my turn.
C-53: Hello, sir.
CUSTOMER #2: Hello.
C-53: Welcome to On-N-Off Burger. What can I get you?
CUSTOMER #2: [Serenely] I wasn’t here for food.
C-53: Alright.
CUSTOMER #2: [Serenely] And a good day to you.
C-53: Okay.
CUSTOMER #3: Okay, I’ll have a, uh, one Space Shack burger…
C-53: Sir, I will remind you this isn’t Space Shack, this is On-N-Off, uh-
CUSTOMER #3: But you guys don’t have Spack Shack burgers here?
C-53: Well, we have On-N-Off burgers…
CUSTOMER #3: Ehh… Well, Space Shack only has Space Shack burgers.
C-53: Well, that’s how branding works, sir. I don’t mean to rock your world but-
CUSTOMER #3: You’re rocking my world.
[Bell chimes as Pleck and AJ enter On-N-Off Burger]
[In the background C-53 continues to interact with Customer #3]
AJ: Master Decksetter, it seems that we arrived before the strike team.
PLECK: “Master Deck-” What is “Master”? What does that refer-
AJ: I’m not sure if “Master of the Space” or…
PLECK: I haven’t- I haven’t agreed to teach you anything.
AJ: “Papa Decksetter”?
PLECK: No. Much worse. Why would you say that?
AJ: I don’t know, I was just tryin’ to think of different-
PLECK: Pleck, just call me Pleck.
AJ: Okay. Master Pleck, we’re ahead of the strike team.
PLECK: Yes, excellent.
PLECK: Okay, AJ, I need you to sneak into the manager's office-
AJ: Mmhmm, killer.
PLECK: - and grab the restraining bolt remover.
AJ: Ehh…
PLECK: It’s probably in a drawer somewhere.
AJ: Mmhmm.
PLECK: It’s got a series of green lights on the top that corresponds to the green lights on C-53’s frame. Got it?
[[*Note: (Welcome To) Bermiful Nelodies is playing in the background*]]
AJ: Mmhmm. So the- where is the office?
PLECK: It’s through that door with the word “manager” on it.
AJ: Well, why doesn’t it say “office”, you know what I mean?
PLECK: Okay, AJ, you know what? I’ll go get the restraining bolt remover.
AJ: No, I’m the best at getting restraining bolt remov- I was told-
PLECK: It can’t possibly be true.
AJ: I- you don’t know what situation I’ve been in, Papa.
PLECK: PLEASE don’t call me that.
PLECK: You order something at the desk, demand to talk to his manager,-
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: - and I will-
[AJ racks his rifle]
AJ: [Projecting his voice] I’d like to order something-
PLECK: No! Not here! Wait in line!
AJ: [Projecting] and speak to a manager!
PLECK: Wait in line!
AJ: [Projecting] I’d like to order something and-
PLECK: AJ!
AJ: [Projecting] speak to a manager! [To Pleck] What-
C-53: Sir, we have a fairly obvious line structure. If you could just fall in line in the back.
AJ: [To Pleck] I’m doing it. [To C-53] And I’m in the line now.
C-53: Okay.
AJ: [Projecting] And I’d like to order something-
C-53: No need to update me-
PLECK: AJ!
C-53: - until you’ve reached the front of the line, sir. Thank you.
AJ: [Projecting] - and speak to a manager.
PLECK: [Quietly] AJ, one step at a time, buddy.
AJ: [Whispering to Pleck] I think I’m doing great!
MANAGER: Somebody say they wanted to speak to a manager?
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Ah, yes, this gentleman, uh, so-
AJ: Yes, I would like to.
AJ: I’m ordering stuff and speaking to the manager. [Whispering to Pleck] Now’s your chance! Now’s your chance!
PLECK: Just… relax!
AJ: Hi, manager! I’m relaxed right now and I’d like to order something from you.
MANAGER: Uh, you don’t need to order from me, that’s what my fine employee C is here-
AJ: I’d like to speak to the manager!
C-53: Okay, would you like to order or would you like to speak to the manager? I can take care-
AJ: I’ve been told to do both.
C-53: You’ve been“told” to do both?
AJ: Yes.
[In the background Pleck yells and there is general noise of destruction]
PLECK: C-53! I’m here to save you! Come with me!
C-53: Pleck, what did you just do?!
PLECK: I- I had to remove this grill station in order to have a little bit of room for us to exit.
C-53: Okay.
PLECK: Look, come with me. We’ve gotta go, you’re in grave danger.
C-53: Well, uh, Pleck, uh, I’m afraid I’m a valued employee here at the On-N-Off Burger family,-
PLECK: Okay, no. No, not anymore-
C-53: - the larger organization that owns the many fine On-N-Off Burger locations-
PLECK: C-53, stop.
C-53: - across Holowood.
PLECK: No, listen, you’re so much more than that. We have to get back out to the Zyxx Quadrant and- and- and save the galaxy!
C-53: I think the On-N-Off Corporation values me just a little more highly than you do.
PLECK: Okay, alright. Just hold still.
C-53: Okay, I-
[Pleck removes C-53’s restraining bolt; C-53’s audio processing hangs]
[Servo noises and beeps from C-53]
[Bell chimes as Customer #5 enters]
CUSTOMER #5: I’ll have what he’s having!
[C-53 beeps and comes back online]
C-53: Oh my Rodd.
PLECK: C-53, let’s go.
C-53: Pleck, I can’t thank you enough. This… has been a punishing six months.
PLECK: Ah, I’ve spent the last six months training to become a Zima Knight.
C-53: Ugh, Pleck…
AJ: And I would like to speak to the manager!
[Transition music]
NERMUT: Friends, species of all kinds, I’ve just got a couple more tunes tonight. Thanks so much for comin’ out. Remember, we’re gonna- there’s gonna be a hat passed later for tips. Everything’s appreciated ‘cause I’m a [whispers] professional musician. Okay!
C-53: He said that part so quiet…
NERMUT: [Microphone feedback] One… two… one two… [Singing and playing keyboard] I used to fly! I used to have, have, have it all! I used to send ‘em out on missions! Near and far! And here and thar! And I all along was… lovin’ Dar!
BAR PATRON: Aww!
NERMUT: [Performing] Lovin’ Dar!
BAR PATRON: What’s a “Dar”?
[Nermut performing in the background]
C-53: This is almost unknowably sad.
PLECK: Yeah, this is… I mean, man.
AJ: So he’s a… song guy? What is his deal?
C-53: [Noncommittally] Hmm…
PLECK: Well, I mean, sort of on the side.
C-53: Yeah, sort of a-
PLECK: It’s kind of a, yeah, aspiration.
C-53: Everyone’s got their-
PLECK: Side hustles, sure.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: I know where you found me was not the most glamorous location, but somehow I feel this is far worse.
PLECK: Yeah, there are like two other people in this bar.
C-53: Yeah…
NERMUT: [Performing] … they used to say “that’s cool, Nermut, but is there a mission? We can’t talk all day, we gotta get out in the stars!”
AJ: Is he selling merch or something outside?
PLECK: Uh, yeah, I don’t know.
NERMUT: [Performing] … I said, “Guys you’re not gonna believe this one! It’s hot like nuclear fission!”
[Nermut performing in the background]
PLECK: Hmm. Listen-
C-53: That sounds BAD.
PLECK: Listen, C-53, I know that this song is- I- I mean, who knows how much longer it’s gonna go on but we just need to get up-
AJ: The rhyme scheme is puzzling.
PLECK: It’s- sure. We just need to get him and get out.
C-53: Sure.
PLECK: Before the strike team shows up.
[Microphone feedback]
NERMUT: [Performing] … I used to fly! I never technically flew but I managed people who do fly through the stars! So, so far! It was like they were with me! It was like I could see what they saw when they went to the stars without me!
[Song performance ends]
[Microphone feedback]
[Two unenthusiastic slow claps from bar patrons]
NERMUT: Thank you, thank you so much! Thanks, I-
LUCIUS: Hi, sorry, I-
NERMUT: [Impressed, nervous] Whoa!
LUCIUS: - don’t mean to interrupt.You, of course, must know who I am.
NERMUT: Lu-
LUCIUS: I am Lucius Montgomery the-
NERMUT: Of course I know who you are!-
LUCIUS: - most famous music producer in-
NERMUT: I know!
LUCIUS: - all of Holowood.
NERMUT: Oh my gosh, it’s- it’s such an honor! It’s-
LUCIUS: I’ve been going to open mic’s for years now and, uh-
NERMUT: Yeah.-
LUCIUS: - just try- trying-
NERMUT: Well, this is actually a residency but, I mean, anyway-
LUCIUS: - to find a new-
NERMUT: Yeah-
LUCIUS: act. A new voice. And YOU?
NERMUT: Yeah.
LUCIUS: Wow, what-
NERMUT: [Excitedly]
LUCIUS: - can I say?
NERMUT: Oh!
LUCIUS: I’ve never seen-
NERMUT: I’m being discovered!
LUCIUS: - anyone-
NERMUT: [Breathless] Yeah?
LUCIUS: - ever sweat-
NERMUT: Yeah!
LUCIUS: as much as you did on stage.
NERMUT: [Excitement dissipates] What? What?! Yeah, no, cause, I mean, you gotta sweat to-
LUCIUS: I just wanted to say only that.
NERMUT: - get to that level of-
LUCIUS: I need to go now.
NERMUT: What?!
LUCIUS: I’m a very busy person.
NERMUT: Wha- what?!
LUCIUS: [Walking away] I’m very busy.
NERMUT: Ah, you’re going- what?!
LUCIUS: Goodbye!
NERMUT: Why are you-
[Microphone feedback]
NERMUT: Everyone, so, I think you guys just witnessed me getting discovered. Wow! This is going- we’re gonna look back on- and I’m gonna say, “I used to play in this club”. Let’s take a request!
C-53: Yeah, I’ve got a request. Uh, why don’t you stop doing this-
NERMUT: Ohh! C-53! What?
PLECK: Nermut.
C-53: - and come with us?
NERMUT: Pleck! Hey! Guys!
AJ: Wow!
NERMUT: Good to see you! Thanks for comin’ out, guys!
AJ: Yeah, well...
NERMUT: [Microphone feedback] Everyone, these are some of my close friends! They- comin’ out to the show!
PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, it’s- it’s time- it’s time to go.
NERMUT: What’s your- so what’s your request?
C-53: Nermut, our request is-
NERMUT: No, we’ve got one more song!
C-53: - that this stops immediately-
NERMUT: What?
C-53: - and we leave.
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: Yeah, it’s time to go, Nermut.
NERMUT: No, no, no, no.
NERMUT: I mean, did you guys see that I just got signed, maybe?
PLECK: He just called you “sweaty” and left.
NERMUT: Uhh…
PLECK: Nermut, you nee-
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: We need to get out of here. You’re in grave danger.
NERMUT: What?!
PLECK: Honestly, there’s a strike team after you. We have to get out of this club right now.
[Crosstalk]
C-53: The C.L.I.N.T. strike team / sent to assassinate you.
NERMUT: What?!
NERMUT: Wha-?
PLECK: Yes.
C-53: You could be in grave danger.
NERMUT: [Whispering] Guys, there’s a C.L.I.N.T. right there…
[Simultaneously]
AJ: Oh, you mean me?! Not- not me!
C-53: Oh, that- AJ- not- not that one.
PLECK: Oh, no- not that C.L.I.N.T. This is- this is AJ.
NERMUT: Okay…
C-53: This is confusing because he WAS part of a strike team.
NERMUT: What?!
PLECK: Sure.
AJ: I used to be a C.L.I.N.T., a Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Trooper.
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: No, I- y- you- you’re obviously still a C.L.I.N.T.
PLECK: We know what- we know what a C.L.I.N.T. is, yeah.
AJ: Does everyone know what a C.L.I.N.T. is?
PLECK: I mean, I do.
NERMUT: Yeah, most people.
C-53: Yeah, we all know.
AJ: Alright.
NERMUT: You’re hanging out with him?
PLECK: He defected and sort of demanded to be my protege.
C-53: I would say sort of “tagging along”.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: Okay. Hi, AJ.
AJ: Hey!
PLECK: We’ll see whether it works out…
AJ: Pound it!
NERMUT: Uh…
PLECK: Listen, Nermut, pack up your stuff. Let’s go.
NERMUT: Guys! Look around me! This is what living the dream looks like!
PLECK: This is a literally empty bar, Nermut.
NERMUT: Okay, I have- I’ve got an old grt milk crate full- FULL of wood chips to sleep in, okay?
PLECK: Yeah, that’s not…
NERMUT: And this is-
C-53: Sounds like a downgrade.
NERMUT: I’m- I’m doin’ it!
C-53: ARE you “doing it”?
NERMUT: I mean… I’ve got a long shirt that covers my “area”, I’ve- I don’t have pants but I’ve got a long shirt.
AJ: I mean, that’s pretty much making it if you ask me.
NERMUT: Yeah!
PLECK: Nermut, listen, we can debate whether or not you’re a successful professional musician anytime.
NERMUT: I don’t read reviews!
PLECK: Okay, the- there are none to read! Nermut, we have to get out of here! There’s a strike team coming after you!
AJ: That’s true. Strike Team Number 4 is on its way.
NERMUT: Whoa, that’s the fourth strongest strike team!
C-53: Yeah, that’s how strike teams work.
PLECK: Wait, what? I got the seventh strongest strike team?
C-53: What strike team did I have?
AJ: Uh, you had Strike Team Number 2.
C-53: Hmm, I’ll take it.
PLECK: Seven?! There are only five of us!
AJ: Also, I understand that the strike team is incoming in three…
NERMUT: What?!
AJ: Two…
C-53: What?!
NERMUT: Here?!
C-53: What?!
PLECK: Nermut-
AJ: One…
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: This way. Let’s go! Let’s go!
C-53: Okay, Nermut, we gotta go!
[C.L.I.N.T. strike team touches down]
C.L.I.N.T.: Alright, get down on the ground! Get down on the ground!
[Multiple C.L.I.N.T.s rack rifles]
[C.L.I.N.T. strike team chatters in the background]
PLECK: What are we gonna do?!
AJ: You guys go through the back door, I’ll stall them!
PLECK: AJ, are you sure?
C-53: By yourself?
AJ: Listen, your mission is important. I wish I could be part of your crew, but it looks like I’m just an ancillary character in your story.
C-53: Hmm, that’s remarkably self aware.
PLECK: AJ, you know, I- I really-
AJ: GO!
PLECK: Alright.
AJ: [To other C.L.I.N.T.s] Don’t worry, strike team, I’m- I’m already on the case.
C.L.I.N.T.: Wait, who are you?
AJ: Well, I’m AJ-2884.
C.L.I.N.T.: Okay, well, what are you-
AJ: Well, I’m actually part of Strike Team 7.
C.L.I.N.T.: So…
AJ: But I’m the guy who’s, just, already been here...
C-53: Yeah, we should just-
NERMUT: AJ’s actually making a pretty good distraction.
AJ: … And I’m also putting my gun down.
C.L.I.N.T.: Well, then I’ll be the one who puts my gun down!
C.L.I.N.T.: We’ll all put our guns down!
AJ: Okay, well, I’m just saying, guys, I’m Strike Team 7.
C.L.I.N.T.: Yeah, we’re all on strike teams-
AJ: No, but I’m on Strike-
C.L.I.N.T.: Yeah, no, I’m Strike Team 2.
C.L.I.N.T.: Yeah.
AJ: What I’m saying is that we’re both on strike teams.
C.L.I.N.T.: That’s what I’m saying.
C.L.I.N.T.’s and AJ [overlapping]: Right. / Yeah, well I think you should leave. / Well, I think YOU should leave. / Maybe we should both leave. Maybe we should- / No, no, no. / No. / I’M gonna be the one who’s gonna leave. / No, no, no, I-
[C-53, Nermut, and Pleck exit while the C.L.I.N.T.s argue]
PLECK: Man, that was close!
NERMUT: Whew!
PLECK: You know, I mean, listen, AJ is not, like, the brightest, uh, C.L.I.N.T.
NERMUT: Definitely not.
PLECK: He wasn’t here for very long but I think I’ll always remember AJ and his sacrifice.
AJ: Hey, guys, I’m right here.
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: Oh, ah, AJ, wow!
NERMUT: Oh, ah! Hey!
AJ: I made it out! [Laughs] I’m the best at-
NERMUT: Thank goodness you’re back.
C-53: Ah, that’s- honestly…
PLECK: So glad you joined us.
AJ: Yeah, I just walked out of the bar.
PLECK: Okay.
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT & PLECK: Great.
PLECK: Cool.
AJ: Sorry, I just-
PLECK: Well…
AJ: … Did you-
PLECK: Yeah, yeah.
AJ: - want me to die? Is that what you-
NERMUT: No.
AJ: - want me to do?
PLECK: What?!
NERMUT: No.
AJ: Do you want me to be dead?
[Simultaneously]
C-53: No, that wasn’t-
NERMUT: No, no, no, no, no.
PLECK: No! What?! No, no!
C-53: No, I don’t think that was quite the- no, no.
PLECK: No, I just thought you weren’t- I didn’t think you were- I thought that was it for you.
AJ: Oh, you were speaking in the past tense so I thought that you wanted me to, you know, blow my head off.
PLECK: I thought that was sort of the end of your arc, as it were.
AJ: Oh.
NERMUT: Wait, but AJ, are you- are you telling us that there- there’s strike teams coming for every former crew member of The Bargarean Jade? Does that mean that Dar’s in danger?
AJ: That’s right. There’s actually TWO strike teams going after the one known as “Dar”.
PLECK: Hmm.
C-53: What numbers?
AJ: One and three.
C-53: Hmm… Well, yeah, okay.
NERMUT: Oh, wow, that’s the best one and the third best.
PLECK: I got seven?!
C-53: I’m sort of even more honored to have two.
AJ: Well, five and six are on a bi-week.
PLECK: Okay, I’m on the- I’m the chosen one of the Space!
AJ: Well, I- I don’t make the schedule.
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: Dar is at, uh, a farmer’s market?
NERMUT: Uhh…
PLECK: A far- Dar is at a farmer’s market?!
NERMUT: I think that that intel’s wrong
AJ: That’s what the readout says.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Uhh, this doesn’t seem right at all.
PLECK: That can’t be right.
PLECK: Dar is a giant cranky monster.
NERMUT: 12 foot tall beast with chest talons.
AJ: I mean, I think they have pretty wide lanes for you to go through the stalls-
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: That’s not really what it’s about.
C-53: That’s, uh, that’s not the issue.
AJ: I don’t know, gang-that-we’re-all-a-part-of-now-including-me, -
PLECK: Uhh, that’s presumptuous. That’s presumptuous
C-53: Alright, ease up.
AJ: - but it seems like strike teams 1 and 3 are descending on this farmer’s market.
PLECK: Alright.
NERMUT: Oh, okay.
C-53: Oh. Well…
NERMUT: Let’s run fast but not so fast that my shirt float- flies up.
PLECK: Above your “area”?
NERMUT: Above my “area”.
PLECK: We could just get you some pants, Nermut.
NERMUT: That would be amazing.
PLECK: What happened to your pants?
NERMUT: Uhh, they got bit. Uh, I was sleeping in an alley full of rats-
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: - and the rats ate the pants.
C-53: Hmm… Well…
PLECK: That’ll happen.
NERMUT: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah.
[Transition music]
[Bustle of a farmer’s market]
DAR: Grigario, these zoodles this week! Mmm! [Kisses] Chef’s kiss!
GRIGARIO: [Thick accent] You like them?
DAR: They are really, you know, I thought last week’s-
GRIGARIO: I had them kissed by a chef.
DAR: [Kisses] Molto bene! Chef’s kiss!
GRIGARIO: Every one a-kissed by a chef!
DAR: Wow!
GRIGARIO: Yeah, you hold it up, you have a-kiss-ed!
DAR: Well, Grigario, -
GRIGARIO: Yeah?
DAR: - let me tell you the two of us are very happy with this week’s crop!
GRIGARIO: Ohh, congratulations!
DAR: Thank you!
GRIGARIO: Ohh, how far along are you?
DAR: About six months.
GRIGARIO: Ahh my goodness!
DAR: Uh huh! [[*Note: Affirmative*]]
GRIGARIO: Okay.
DAR: Alright, Grigario, see you next week!
[Dar and Grigario make exaggerated kissing noises at each other]
GRIGARIO: Grigario says adieu!
CELESTINE: Dar! My darling Dar!
DAR: Oh, Celestine! Do you have the amethyst I’m after?
CELESTINE: I do! You just have to promise me your special herbs!
[Dar and Celestine continue talking in the background]
AJ: Master Decksetter it seems like we’re too late. Both of the strike teams have converged on the target.
PLECK: Wh- what do you mean? Dar seems totally fine.
DAR: [In the background talking to Celestine] - known me in my previous life…
AJ: You’ll have to ask them.
DAR: [In the background] I’m s- uh…
PLECK: Uhh…
DAR: Celestine, I’ll be a moment.
PLECK: Uhh…
DAR: Umm…
PLECK: Dar… Wow, you… You look… Different.
C-53: Yeah, Dar, you’ve got a real, just, relaxed energy about you.
PLECK: You’re glowing!
DAR: Thank you!
NERMUT: This is such a flowing gown!
PLECK: Dar, what are you doing here?
DAR: Oh, they have really wide lanes here.
AJ: Told you.
DAR: But also, -
AJ: Told you.
NERMUT: AJ…
DAR: Um, uh.
AJ: I like your sun hat.
DAR: Who are you?
C-53: Uh, yeah, this is AJ. I’m sorry we should have- should have led with that.
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: Hi! I’m AJ!
PLECK: Dar, listen-
C-53: Dar, listen, you’re in a lot of danger, -
PLECK: Yeah, there are two- two strike teams.
C-53: - okay, there’s two- e- elite C.L.I.N.T. strike teams on their way here to kill you.
[Crosstalk]
DAR: Um, I suppose you’re talking about those two / groups of C.L.I.N.T.s.
PLECK: / Oh.
CHILD: Look at me! [Doing C.L.I.N.T. impression] [readies blaster] Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground!
PARENT: Okay, real good, buddy, let’s call it a day. Get away from those corpses.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Oh, yeah, that- those dead C.L.I.N.T.s… Oh, boy.
NERMUT: Oh, wow. That’s… oh, geez, just smushed.
PLECK: Oh, yup. Wow. Dead...
DAR: Yeah...
DAR: I raged out hard.
NERMUT: Right- right between the tomato stand and the, uh, bread.
DAR: Yeah. Well, gentlemen I [exhales] really enjoyed this but, I just get so tired in the afternoons. I really need to get back to my beachfront all glass hut and-
NERMUT: Whoa.
DAR: - take a snooze in my beanbag.
PLECK: Dar, listen that sounds-
C-53: Nermut, I can’t help but feel like we-we messed up.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: We didn’t do a great job. Yeah, Dar really figured it out. I think I’m just sort of not cut out for it here.
NERMUT: We really- Dar cracked the code of Holowood here. I don’t know what’s happened here. I mean, I don’t- I don’t see it. I mean-
PLECK: Dar, listen, that sounds great-
NERMUT: Yeah, how’d you keep the rats away from your pants?
PLECK: What?? Nermut, I don’t think that’s as common as you think it is.
NERMUT: What do you mean?
PLECK: Nermut, just- we’ll- we’ll- we’ll cover that later.
NERMUT: Okay.
AJ: It’s a good question. It’s a valid question.
C-53: Well, Nermut, as you can see, Dar’s not wearing pants.
NERMUT: Yeah. Oh-
[Crosstalk]
DAR: No, I’m wearing this / flowing sack of hemp.
AJ: / Mumu.
DAR: You know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you guys, so, um, a couple things have changed. Alright, one big thing has changed.
[Ripping]
[Simultaneously]
C-53 & NERMUT & PLECK: Whoa!!
PLECK: Dar!
C-53: Dar!
AJ: [Whispers] What’s changed?!
PLECK: Dar! Amazing!
AJ: [Whispers] I don’t know what’s changed!
PLECK: Congratulations!
C-53: AJ, -
AJ: What’s changed?!
C-53: - chill for two seconds.
PLECK: Dar, th- this is ama- con- congratulations!
NERMUT: Yeah, congratu… lations. /
DAR: Thank you! I’m about eighteen months off from birth, but, uh-
NERMUT: Uhh...
PLECK: Oh.
AJ: [Whispering] What’s changed?!
C-53: AJ, can I- can I just chat with you for a second?
AJ: Sure, sure!
C-53: AJ, we’re all excited to have you.
AJ: Uh huh. [*Note: Agreement*]
C-53: And, you know, we really appreciate you giving us the information-
AJ: Mmhmm.
C-53: - about the strike teams-
PLECK: The locations of everyone, yeah.
C-53: - so that none of us died.
AJ: Mmhmm.
C-53: That was, honestly, extremely helpful.
AJ: Great.
C-53: But, I mean, a C.L.I.N.T. knows what “annoying” is, right?
AJ: Oh, got it, got it, got it, got it.
C-53: Okay, yeah, are you- are you following this?
AJ: Yeah.
C-53: Okay.
AJ: I think so.
C-53: Alright.
AJ: [Whispers] Nermut’s being annoying!
C-53: [Exasperated] Okay-
NERMUT: What?!
AJ: I’ll keep an eye out on him, don’t worry.
C-53: [Exasperated] Alright, sure, yeah, let’s do that.
NERMUT: Hey, hey, hey Dar? Can I ask you…
DAR: Hey Nermut, how are you?
NERMUT: You know I’m- I’m good. I just gave up a promising music career to rejoin the crew but, um, I- can I-
PLECK: I’m sorry to cut in here.
NERMUT: Hmm?
PLECK: That’s not true.
NERMUT: [Sighs] Um, but can I ask- can I ask you… a question?
DAR: Sure.
NERMUT: Um, is it mine?
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: Um...
DAR: Oh, boy…
DAR: Nermut-
NERMUT: Yes.
DAR: I… It COULD be yours…
NERMUT: [Quietly excited] Yes!
DAR: Let’s just say there are a lot of horses in this race to be its mother and/or father.
NERMUT: Huh?
DAR: Right about the time that we all split up I went on a real jucking bender.
NERMUT: Okay.
DAR: And by “jucking bender” I mean-
NERMUT: A jucking bender.
DAR: I- I jucked a lot-
C-53: Yeah, yeah, bender where you juck.
DAR: [Exhales]
AJ: It’s a double entendre.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: It’s a single entendre.
DAR: Yeah, yeah.
PLECK: Single entendre.
NERMUT: Single entendre.
C-53: See, now, AJ, what you might not know is that these two used to have a romantic relationship.
AJ: Huh, how is that-
PLECK: Sort of a- sort of an “On-Again-Off-Again Burger” sort of situation
C-53: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
AJ: How is that possible phys- physiologically?
NERMUT: Well, so, I would crawl up into the flap…
PLECK: You don’t need to- yeah, you don’t need to talk about that-
DAR: All you need to know-
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: - is that anyone else who’s involved in their creation-
NERMUT: Yeah?
DAR: - is no longer in the picture.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: Hmm.
NERMUT: Got it.
PLECK: Okay
NERMUT: Hmm.
C-53: It’s- it’s a masterful statement of not revealing anything.
PLECK: [Noise of assent]
NERMUT: [Whispering] Hey Pleck!
PLECK: What?
NERMUT: [Whispering] I’m the father!
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: [Whispering] I- can- you can read between those lines, right?
C-53: Can YOU read between the lines, Nermut?
NERMUT: Uh, yes, I’m the father!
PLECK: Listen, Dar, seems like you’ve really got Holowood figured out. I- I never would’ve thought that you would be someone who would really embrace the lifestyle here but-
DAR: Me neither.
PLECK: Yeah.
DAR: But I’m really glad that you guys came to visit-
PLECK: No-
[Crosstalk]
DAR: Thank you / so much.
PLECK: / No, no, Dar, we’re not visiting.
PLECK: Listen, I got everybody back together because-
DAR: Oh, you’re not visiting? Okay, goodbye then!
PLECK: No, Dar! Wait! Come back! I know you’ve made a life for yourself here and your- and your baby, whatever that is, whatever’s gonna come out of-
DAR: Let them decide what they’re going to be later, okay?
PLECK: Okay, fair- / fair enough. Listen, in the last six months I’ve become a Zima Knight.
NERMUT: [Skeptical] Huh.
PLECK: What?
DAR: Proud of you.
C-53: No, it’s just… No way to externally confirm that.
PLECK: Okay, well I am one!
C-53: Okay.
AJ: [Whispers] Papa!
PLECK: No, stop it!
AJ: What?
PLECK: I became a Zima Knight for one reason: to take down Emperor Nermut Bundaloy.
NERMUT: What?!
PLECK: Not you!
C-53: Not you, Nermut.
NERMUT: Oh, okay.
PLECK: To take down Emperor Nermut Bundaloy!
AJ: Yas, Papa, yas!
PLECK: But I can’t do it without the three of you. And I have a plan. The four of us-
AJ: [Crestfallen] Oh.
PLECK: [Sighs] And AJ, I guess.
AJ: Okay! Okay, good!
PLECK: Are going to return to the Zyxx Quadrant. We know that the Emperor is there. We’re going to travel from planet to planet drumming up support and we’re gonna take the fight to the Emperor! It’s a crazy plan but it might just work!
DAR: Isn’t this exactly what we were doing before?
PLECK: I mean yes, in the sense that it’s… okay, yes, it’s exac-
AJ: If the formula works I don’t see why you’d wanna break it.
PLECK: Yes, yes, thank you, AJ! Thank you! I’m just saying it’s- it’s a- it’s what we’re all best at! Nermut can tell us where to go!
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: You can kick some ass!
DAR: Alright.
PLECK: C-53 knows everything already! And I’m gonna be there as a Zima Knight! And I need you to come with us because you’re the only one who can protect us all. Dar… I can’t do it without you.
C-53: Uh, he may not be able to do it WITH you.
PLECK: Okay, that’s rude.
DAR: Pleck, I’m gonna stop you right there.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Honestly, with this creature on the way I [inhales]… I have to say… I’m in!
NERMUT: Wha-?
PLECK: Yeah! That’s the spirit!
DAR: Because I want to prove to THEM that an omnisexual being CAN have it all!
PLECK: Alright, Dar!
NERMUT: Huh.
AJ: YAS! Yas, Dar, Yas!
PLECK: AJ.
C-53: AJ.
AJ: What?
C-53: Where did you learn that?
PLECK: Too much…
AJ: What?
[Transition music]
PLECK: Guys, you know, we- we saved the hardest for last. I don’t know HOW we’re gonna get Bargie outta Holowood.
C-53: I mean, this is really her element.
STREET MERCHANT: Bargie dolls! Get your Bargie dolls! Only for 15 kroon each!
NERMUT: Ah, guys, can we pool it together? What- who’s got kroon?
PLECK: No, we’re not buy a Bargie d-
STREET MERCHANT: Pull the Bargie string and she says her famous new catchphrase!
NERMUT: Alright.
[Pulls string]
BARGIE TOY: Everyone makes mistakes!
NERMUT: Wha-?
BARGIE TOY: Everyone makes mistakes!
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Hmm, well that’s… unusual.
NERMUT: That’s sort of a sign that maybe she’d be willing to-
PLECK: That’s, uh, that seems-
AJ: [Laughs] I think it’s pretty funny!
BARGIE TOY: Buy my merch! I’m Bargie.
C-53: Is that… in the context of a movie?
BARGIE TOY: I’ll pay my taxes when I’m ready. I’m Bargie.
NERMUT: Let’s look around at the billboards. There’s “Bargarean Jade stars in AtmosFEAR 5”.
C-53: Oh, but “Fear” in “AtmosFEAR” is-
[Simultaneously]
C-53 & DAR & NERMUT & PLECK: F-E-A-R
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
C-53: Hm.
AJ: Yeah. Right. I also know what all the words mean.
C-53: … Can you not read?
AJ: What?
NERMUT: AJ.
PLECK: AJ, do you not know how to read?
AJ: Huh? I…
C-53: AJ, when you look at somebody’s F.A.I.C., what are you looking for?
AJ: If it’s a F.A.I.C.
PLECK: [Sighs] Oh, boy.
[Crosstalk]
NERMUT: So maybe his work is done? If we want, we can just sort of- / AJ, turn around and look that way.
C-53: / Yeah, AJ, have you thought, yeah, maybe you- you’re just part of the world now?
AJ: Uhhh… I don’t think so. Master Decksetter said that I was part of the crew now.
C-53: Oh, “Master Decksetter”?!
PLECK: Okay, I didn’t really say that in so many words, yeah.
DAR: Oh!
C-53: AJ, did he tell you to call him “Master Decksetter”?
AJ: I mean, it was implied.
PLECK: I did- no, I did not.
AJ: Master Decksetter, -
PLECK: - Oh, boy
C-53: - Still doesn’t sound right.
AJ: - we still need to find the ship.
PLECK: Yes.
AJ: What’s the ship that you’re talking about
PLECK: The Bargarean Jade.
C-53: Wait, they can’t be sending a strike team to kill The Bargarean Jade. She’s one of the most famous ships in Holowood!
BARGIE TOY: Help me. I don’t belong here.
C-53: Oh, these dolls are annoying.
[Music transition]
[Reporters gather around Bargie]
REPORTER 1: And we are live here at the red carpet for AtmosFEAR 5 starring Holowood’s hottest ship, The Bargarean Jade!
BARGIE: Hello! Hi, so happy to be here! Ah, you know, a movie is nothing without it’s fans.
REPORTER 1: Hello.
BARGIE: Hi!
REPORTER 1: Bargie, so good to see you!
BARGIE: Hi! Hey there! How you d- Hello! Hi!
REPORTER 1: Hey, this is the eight holo you’ve released in a six month period. What does it feel like to be back on top?
BARGIE: It feels like I was in the bottom. I was drowning for a little bit.
REPORTER 1: Oh, sure.
BARGIE: Anyway, but now I’m kinda, like, maybe, like, an inch off of the surface.
REPORTER 1: [Laughs] Alright, Barge.
REPORTER 2: Bargie, over here, over here. Species Weekly.
BARGIE: Yes.
REPORTER 2: Hey, Bargie, listen, uh, you recently opened two children’s hospitals. How does it feel to be a galactic hero?
BARGIE: You know what? Children are our future because that’s how it works.
HANK TOPPLEMOP: So true, so true. Barge, Hank Topplemop, Holowood Reportage.
BARGIE: Yes. Hello. Hi.
HANK TOPPLEMOP: Great to see you, again. [Laughs] Old pals, old pals-
BARGIE: Oh, you’re wearing my pin! I love my pin. You’re wearing my pin! Good job.
HANK TOPPLEMOP: So, quick Q. You have gone on the record as one of the biggest donors to save the Milpish.
BARGIE: Huge.
HANK TOPPLEMOP: What is it about the Milpish that’s the species you chose?
BARGIE: You know, of all the species, -
HANK TOPPLEMOP: Yeah.
BARGIE: - when I looked at the photos that my assistant showed me, they seemed the most… sad. So the faces and the frowning. I base it off of that.
[ The collective reporters generally assent: “Oh, wow, wow”, “So true, so true”, “Mmhmm, mmhmm”.]
HANK TOPPLEMOP: That’s an amazing answer.
DIDOODOP QUISP: Uh, Bargie, great answer, great answer. Uh, Didoodop Quisp from the Weekly Nebula. You caused [laughs] a bit of a riot by shooting kroon out of vanity guns at your premier last week. Uh, no one was hurt but-
BARGIE: Yeah.
DIDOODOP QUISP: - people were shaken up a little bit.
BARGIE: Yeah.
DIDOODOP QUISP: Are you gonna shoot money at this premier? We gotta know.
BARGIE: I definitely will. They might’ve been shaken up but their bank accounts were shaken up, too.
DIDOODOP QUISP: [Laughs]
BARGIE: Right?! Right?!
DIDOODOP QUISP: Good point!
BARGIE: You got some! You got some!
DIDOODOP QUISP: Good- I got a little bit of it!
DINKLE WAKAMPE: Bargie, Bargie, it’s Dinkle Wakampe.
BARGIE: I don’t see you. Where are you?
DINKLE WAKAMPE: I’m down here. I’m down here.
BARGIE: Oh, you’re very tiny, okay.
DINKLE WAKAMPE: I’m in the carpet.
BARGIE: Okay.
DINKLE WAKAMPE: Inside the red carpet. Very little. Long microphone. Okay, so, sorry, this is gonna be a little touchy but I’ve heard that when your- your fame has risen it’s possible that you’ve been, uh, a little estranged from your son- your devoted son, Blimpie.
[Silence]
DINKLE WAKAMPE: Thank you.
BARGIE: I don’t know what the question was.
REPORTER 3: Bargie, real quick. You’re currently spokesperson for lotion, water, -
BARGIE: Yeah.
REPORTER 3: - and towels.
BARGIE: I love all those three.
REPORTER 3: What else will you be the spokesperson of?
BARGIE: Uh, for hand cloths, for napkins,-
REPORTER 3: And, if you could right now, can you just pitch a couple of your new catchphrases.
BARGIE: “Hey, if you want a napkin in your hand, grab it! I’m Bargie!” “Uhoh, there’s a cloth! Why don’t you put it in your hand as well. I’m also Bargie.”
[We change scenes and hear Bargie continue over a holovision set that the crew is watching]
PLECK: [Sighs] Look at her. She’s in her element. This is what she always wanted. Signing autographs, dumping oil…
C-53: She’s on billboards for two different holos that are across from each other.
NERMUT: She’s on every product. She’s living a dream!
AJ: Who is this?
[Simultaneously]
DAR & NERMUT: [Sigh]
C-53: AJ…
PLECK: The Bargarean Jade. AJ!
STORE OWNER: Hey, listen! You can’t just watch my holo if you’re not gonna buy anything! Get the juck outta here!
NERMUT: Okay, okay, we’re leaving.
PLECK: That’s not-
NERMUT: [Whispering] Do you sell gerp?
[Bell rings as crew leaves shop]
PLECK: Listen, guys, we love Bargie but… it- it was never gonna be all six of us, you know, for this long. You know, let’s let Bargie follow her dreams and, you know, it’ll be okay to have a different ship, you know, that we’re on.
C-53: Sure, sometimes when people move to Holowood it’s just a new chapter in their life.
PLECK: It’s the same- yeah, it’ll be the same vibe. You know, we’ll visit as many planets as it takes, we’ll find enough people to join our cause, and… we’ll take down the Emperor ourselves!
C-53: I’m in.
PLECK: Alright!
DAR: In!
PLECK: Nermut?
NERMUT: I’m in.
PLECK: AJ?
AJ: … I dunno.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: AJ, really?!
DAR: Honestly, AJ, it’s fine if you’re not, it really is.
NERMUT: AJ…
PLECK: Okay, you know what? AJ, fine. You know what? Just stay here, AJ. Yeah, honestly-
AJ: No, I’m in, I’m in, I’m in!
PLECK: Okay, great,-
NERMUT: NOW you’re in?
PLECK: - thank you for GRACING us with your presence, AJ.
NERMUT: Geez.
BARGIE: Okay, yeah, me too.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Wh- Bargie?
DAR: Bargie?!
PLECK: Wait, what?!
BARGIE: Let’s go. Let’s just go! I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t wanna say what happened! Let’s just go! I need to get out of here right now!
[Simultaneously]
DAR: But Bargie, you’re-
NERMUT: What?! Bargie-
PLECK: Bargie...
BARGIE: Let’s go! Let’s go!
C-53: Bargie, you’ve got a premier… it looks like later tonight!
NERMUT: Bargie, all your dreams came true!
[Bargie’s hatch opens]
BARGIE: Everybody looks great! I’ve missed you guys so much! Get the juck in and let’s get out of here!
DAR: Okay, okay, okay!
NERMUT: Okay.
BARGIE: I jucked things up! We’re getting out of here! Wow, that was a mistake! Woof! Woof! I’m a dog! Let’s go! Let’s go! Yes, everything inside of me is, like, incredibly expensive now, -
NERMUT: Wow!
BARGIE: - like, amazing and I have, like,-
DAR: Wooow!
BARGIE: - the top notch technologies. Throw those out! Throw those out!
[The entire rest of the crew protests; Bargie tips everything out]
BARGIE: Throw them out! It’s very expensive and it’s also property of Universal Talent Agency! I’m just gonna tip it over!
[C-53, Nermut, and Pleck yell]
BARGIE: All the expensive tech! And the luxury! And all the beds!
NERMUT: All the beds?!
PLECK: Bargie, so many beds!
BARGIE: Wow.
C-53: Well…
BARGIE: Woo!
PLECK: [Sighs] Alright, well-
C-53: Alright, well, Bargie,-
NERMUT: Alright, here we go.
C-53: - set a course for -
BARGIE: Doesn’t matter!
C-53: Oh, okay!
[Pleck and Nermut yell as Bargie suddenly takes off]
AJ: Where are we going?!
[Outro Music]
// - FIN - //
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-I-T-Five, Credits and Attributions droid, commencing Outro Protocol. Stay tuned after the credits for an important message from the crew. Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie, the ship, was played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ and the C.L.I.N.T.s were played by Winston Noel. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. Recorded at Robert Doggy, Jr.’s Puppy Pound in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra with Juntawa vocals by the audience of our season 3 kickoff show. Additional music by Shane O’Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design of The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.
//
[44:49] [Maximum Fun Promotion]
ALDEN: Hey again, it’s Alden here with the whole cast.
[Greetings from the cast!]
ALDEN: I mentioned up top that we would tell you about some of the amazing exclusive content and gifts you can get for becoming a new or upgrading member of Max Fun, so, here we go. If you join now at any level you’ll get access to the exclusive Mission to Zyxx content that we’ve been making since January of 2018. So, uh, for the Patreon- everything we made for the Patreon is available there as well as, uh, everything we will make in the future, uh, on Max Fun. So, that includes four live episodes with more on the way, which are, honestly, some of our favorite episodes we’ve ever recorded. It’s so fun performing the show live for fans. Plus there’s a bunch of ringtones by a number of different characters on this show and some behind the scenes features showing how we make the show. And, because, I don’t know, we’re legitimately insane [laughs], we produced a full length Bermut Nundaloy album as a stretch goal on Patreon, and that is available at Maximum Fun as well. So, there’s, uh, lyrics that Seth improvised and then our sound designer, Shane, went in and produced it the way he would produce an actual, legitimate album, and it sounds so, so, so, so good. So if you become a member at maximumfun.org/donate you’ll get access to all of this exclusive content and more to be released in the future. Plus, bonus content from all the other amazing Max Fun shows. So that’s for every member from $5 a month and up, every piece of bonus content that’s made by all of the Max Fun shows including ours. Again, we rely on listener support to make Mission to Zyxx. The ads that we sell on the show only go so far towards making this show sustainable for us and we only have so much control over which advertisers are interested in a show like ours. So, our move to Maximum Fun is completely based on the faith that you will sign up to support the show because our ability to make it truly depends on that. ANd we’re honestly excited for you all to get to hear all this exclusive stuff. And then, get this, there’s merch! There’s merch you can hold in your hand or your… pinchers, or… claws, or whatever. If you join at or upgrade to $10 a month you’ll get a custom enamel pin that’s only available during this year’s drive. We helped design it with the incredible Megan Lynn Kott who designed all of the pins for this year’s drive and you’ll also get access to all of the bonus content. So, you have to do that now before the end of the drive which is March 29th, 2019. The pin that we designed says “use the space”. It’s got a wood saber in it, not to be confused with a stick! And it is very cool. We can’t guarantee that it’ll allow you to USE the space but, I mean, couldn’t hurt, right? We’re sort of all using the space a little bit right now… Anyway, it’s only available during the drive. And then at $20 a month you get this glorious 550 piece 28”x24” Maximum Fun puzzle plus the pin and the bonus content. And then at $35 a month you get a clear glass Maximum Fun coffee mug which is engraved with their cool rocket logo, the puzzle, the pin, and all the bonus content. So, you choose whatever level is right for you at maximumfun.org/donate and get that stuff. Select Mission to Zyxx, enter your info, and BOOM! You are making the show with us. Thank you so much for listening and for helping. And to all of the Maximum Fun listeners who have welcomed us so warmly and told us that you’ve already added us to your list of shows or increased your pledges because of us, that means SO much to us. Join these heroes of the Space now at maximumfun.org/donate. Thanks again. See you next week.
// Maximumfun.org - artist owned, audience supported //
[48:34] [Outtake]
[Crosstalk]
AJ/WINSTON: I’m really hot. Should I-
PLECK/ALDEN: No.
AJ/WINSTON: Kinda wanna take this helmet off-
PLECK/ALDEN: AJ, actually, I- it helps me if you have your helmet on.
[Simultaneously]
C-53/JEREMY: Yeah.
AJ/WINSTON: Why?
NERMUT/SETH: We, just, we personally know Rolphus Tiddle, the guy you were cloned from-
AJ/WINSTON: I don’t-
NERMUT/SETH: - and it’s really weird if- if, uhh-
C-53/JEREMY: Yeah, if you took your helmet off, they might think you’re Rolphus who escaped somehow. They might try to kill you.
AJ/WINSTON: Okay… I just- it’s just really hot in here.
NERMUT/SETH: We’ll get you a system of fans.
AJ/WINSTON: Ooh!
ALDEN: I don’t think AJ’s gonna have fans.
WINSTON: You never know!
ALLIE: He could have fans inside the helmet.
WINSTON: You never know!
ALDEN: [Laughs]
JEREMY: Nah, I think we’ve got a pretty good idea.
ALDEN: Yeah, I think we know.
[Laughing]
[Crosstalk]
ALDEN: Then again, we thought Beano wasn’t / gonna have any!
JEREMY: / That’s true!