302: Jennifer’s Bargie [ft. Riley Soloner]
The crew encounters a highly skilled navigator of the info web. Bargie has an identity crisis. Nermut needs a device. Dar makes a list.
Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network. This is the last week of the MaxFunDrive! Join by March 29th, 2019 to help us make the show.
-
SETH: Hey there! It’s Seth Lind aka Nermut Bundaloy, uh, here with the whole cast of Mission to Zyxx.
[Greetings from the cast!]
SETH: And we wanted to say thank you to everyone who has signed up to support our show on Maximum Fun. Seriously, from the bottom of our hearts and cubes and flaps and chutes, thank you. You are honestly the reason that we can keep making this ridiculous and ridiculously labor intensive show. Thank you, thank you. But here’s, uh, the other thing. Chances are you- you actually didn’t sign up to support the show. And I just mean that, like, statistically speaking, chances are you hear our pitch last week and, um, maybe even our Patreon pitches before season 2 and- and you were like, “Ehhh… nah.” And, honestly? We get it. We get that it’s totally possible that Mission to Zyxx is one of dozens of show you listen to and watch and if- if it went away, like, no huge loss. Which is fair, it’s a silly scifi show in a world full of noble causes and real issues. Or maybe the show really DOES mean something to you but you’re not in a financial position to help. Which, also we TOTALLY get that. That is why we release all of our studio episodes to the public for free in our podcast feed, so that everyone with access to a phone or computer or, uh, an hour on a computer in a library can hear Mission to Zyxx. But, I want to ask if you are maybe in this other position, which we suspect may be the case for some of you, and it’s this: Mission to Zyxx is important to you, okay? For whatever reason this- this ridiculous world that we are lucky to get to build for you, you would be sad if it went away AND you happen to be in a position to support it financially at some level. Okay, so that’s- that’s the position, right? You care about Mission to Zyxx and you have a few spare kroon to- to support it monthly BUT- but somewhere, sometime you have made a completely rational calculation, and maybe without even knowing it, that other people are going to step up with that support and the show will continue. These people don’t love this show more than you, they also understand that it depends on support, they’ve just taken that next step. So- so what I’m asking is this: for you to be that person. Because, yes, it is entirely possible that the Max Fun Drive will end this week and we will have reached the level of support we need to keep ploughing ahead with season 3 without your help. But the crazy thing is that is 1000% dependent on people not making that calculation that you just made. [Laughs] So what I’m saying is that we’re relying on people exactly like you to do something different to, uh, and I honestly don’t want to be preachy here, to- to look at something that you value and CAN get for free, and voluntarily say, “I’m going to support this.” Our move to Maximum Fun was, uh, was a leap of faith in- in you because this network is all about membership and support and community and, um, just to get into the nitty gritty, we jumped headlong into producing season 3, uh, before the Max Fun Drive which means we literally don’t know the financial fate of this show. Um, we jumped into that because we have this feeling that, yes, people will support it. We don’t know how many but we’re counting on it being enough. So please, [laughs] show us that we’re not idiots for believing this, uh, if you can. I don’t want to sound too corny but when we- we joined this network we honestly felt like we had come home, um, and- and we would love for you to join us here by becoming a monthly supporter of our show at maximumfun.org/donate. So again I’m- I’m, um, only speaking statistically here. Even after hearing what I just said you- you probably won’t do this, but we would love love love for you to prove that wrong and help us make this show for you. I’m actually gonna ask you to do something right now and it’s gonna sound a lil- little weird but stay with me. I want you to get out your phone and hit pause. Episode 302 is about to start but I want you to hit pause because this will simulate the feeling of the show not existing which is what would be true if people don’t support it. And once you do that, I want you to go to maximumfun.org/donate, choose your monthly level, click Mission to Zyxx in your listening preferences, enter your info, and then come back and hit play and know that the fact that the audio is there is because of you. Okay, fine, it will be a later episode that you are actually making possible but- but you get my point. So, alright, here’s where you hit pause. I will wait. [Silence] Did you do it? … You didn’t? [Sighs] [Whispers] Statistics… [Talking] Okay, here’s the point where you really hit pause. [Silence] Okay, welcome back! Thank you, thank you SO much for your support. Did it feel good? It feels jucking great to us, I can tell you that much. And now here is the show that you have made with us. Don’t forget to let us know on Twitter, email so we can tell you how much we appreciate it. Thank you.
//
[05:26]
NARRATOR: It is a time of fear and unrest. Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher… crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the Space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx!
[Main Theme]
[Nermut skitters and struggles]
PLECK: Hey, Nermut?
NERMUT: Hey, I was wondering if you c- can you- can you prop me up a little to- I just wanna kinda stare out this window.
PLECK: A- alright, yeah, sure, absolutely. I-I’ll lift you up onto the windowsill here but-
[Pleck lifts Nermut up and sets him on the windowsill]
PLECK: Are-
NERMUT: [Sighs]
PLECK: Shoot, do you need to talk about something?
C-53: Yeah, Nermut, that was an extremely wistful sigh.
NERMUT: Yeah, I just, I mean, I dunno, I- I- I- I feel like I’m excited to take down the Emperor and everything and fight on behalf of Freshness against all that’s Wack but, like, I- I’m just so used to assigning missions and I just don’t feel like I have a… purpose
PLECK: You know, I- I’ve been- I’ve been thinking. Look, the Rebellion’s gone, right?
NERMUT: Right.
PLECK: Federated Alliance is gone,-
NERMUT: Dunzo.
PLECK: - right? That doesn’t mean we don’t need missions.
NERMUT: Ooh…
PLECK: I mean, I was thinking, maybe, Nermut, if we are gonna take down the Emperor as a team?
NERMUT: Yes.
PLECK: We’re gonna need a Master Missions Operations Manager.
NERMUT: [Sighs] Would that- that’s-
AJ: I can do it. I can do it.
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: No, no, no! AJ! That seems like-
PLECK: AJ, that’s definitely-
C-53: Uh, AJ, that’s…
PLECK: Why would you be able to do that?!
AJ: I don’t know…
PLECK: Do you even know what that is?
AJ: … Yeah?
C-53: Do you have any experience doing it?
AJ: Uhh… No.
C-53: Okay.
AJ: I don’t know what it is…
NERMUT: I- I would like to suggest I’m a bit more qualified applicant than AJ for this new position of Master-
[Simultaneously]
C-53: It’s- this is not actually an interview. You’re- you’re it.
PLECK: Okay, yeah, no, y-it’s really your job at this point.
NERMUT: No? It’s not a group interview?
PLECK: No, it’s not-
NERMUT: Oh, that sounds amazing! That sounds like a higher Missions Operations Manager than we’ve even encountered!
PLECK: Yeah, I- I mean- I mean sky’s the limit! You know what? Tack on another adjective! Whatever you want!
NERMUT: No, “master” is great!
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: I mean, “headmaster”? No, that sounds-
PLECK: “Headmaster”? That’s sort of a different job.
NERMUT: O- okay.
BARGIE: Hey, sorry to interrupt but just making an announcement. Please be cautious about using my name in public, okay?
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
BARGIE: We’re kind of on the DL.
PLECK: Yeah, we’re on the lam.
BARGIE: We are keeping it a little bit cas’. [[*Note: Short for “casual”*]]
NERMUT: Okay… It’s on a lot of billboards.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: You’re more famous than you’ve maybe even ever been.
PLECK: Ever been, yeah.
BARGIE: Don’t even call me “Bargie”, okay? If you’re in my ship, don’t even call me “Bargie”. That’s, uh-
PLECK: Even if we’re ON the ship?!
BARGIE: It’s too obvious!
C-53: Is there-
BARGIE: People are listening at all times. [Groans]
[The crew agrees with Bargie’s request]
NERMUT: So as- as Master Missions Operation Manager I think all I need is a- is a source of missions.
PLECK: Oh, well, you know, that comes from the tactical, uh, you know, strategic mind of the missions operator.
NERMUT: No, no, no, Pleck. I- I NEED a missionator.
PLECK: But, Nermut, now you get to make your own missions!
NERMUT: [Laughs] You can’t do that without a missionator. I mean, the missionator contains the hard data: flight paths, planetary locations, the, uh, you know, the business hours of every spaceport, up to date census information of every planet, not to mention the, uh, the atmosphere entrance data. I mean, Bargie do- how many times has Bargie burnt up- up on entrance of a planet? Zero times! That’s because of the data in the missionator.
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Oh, wow. I guess I hadn’t really thought / about that stuff.
NERMUT: / Yeah!
PLECK: Nermut, where are we gonna find one of these missionators?
NERMUT: Well, the last missionator I had was in my, uh, Rebellion office, so if we- we could fly back there and get that and-
PLECK: Ehh…
C-53: Fly back to the CRUSHED Rebellion headquarters that’s inside a planet crusher which is inside a planet crusher crusher?
PLECK: Driven by the Emperor?
NERMUT: Right… Nah...
PLECK: No, I don’t think so.
C-53: Seems like a poor plan.
NERMUT: Right, nope. Let’s walk that back.
BARGIE: Hey, I’ve got a mission! My time! My turn for a mission time!
PLECK: What??
BARGIE: Me, me, me! Yeah, I’ve found a guy who can change my identity.
C-53: Ah, okay.
NERMUT: Uhh...
BARGIE: Yeah, he’s very good at what he does. Two people have recommended him so he’s gonna be great.
PLECK: [Plaintive] Bargie.
BARGIE: Bargie, rest in peace! My new name, I do not know, but it’s gonna be somethin’ sweet!
[Simultaneously]
BARGIE: Alright!
NERMUT: Uhh…
PLECK: ‘Kay.
BARGIE: Anyway, Flix Dunker is gonna change it, he’s gonna make it better for me. It’s great.
PLECK: Wait, who is “Flix Dunker”?
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: Oh, he’s, like, he’s, like, a haaacker. Haahhcker.
NERMUT: High-acker?
BARGIE: I can’t say the word! It’s a word I just can’t say, but, a heeacker.
NERMUT: A heeacker?
C-53: Are you trying to say “hacker”?
BARGIE: Yeah, he- he can take- he can get inside my unit and change who other people think I am, you know, give me a new name. Every single ship was programmed with a certain name and he can reprogram it.
PLECK: You’re saying this guy can get into the databases and change your name so that when other ships are scanning for you they come up with a different name?
BARGIE: Yup! He’s a heecker.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: That’s a- that’s a “hacker”.
PLECK: I think you mean “hacker”, right? A hacker?
C-53: Yeah, it’s a hacker.
AJ: It’s pretty easy to say.
BARGIE: Is it?
AJ: Hacker.
BARGIE: Hya-
AJ: Hacker.
NERMUT: I mean, AJ can do it. That’s- that kind of represents the lowest bar.
[Crosstalk]
AJ: Nah, I was just saying, / it is easy to say, isn’t it?
BARGIE: / Also, I have yet to be introduced to this other person inside me.
PLECK: Oh, yeah, sorry, listen, uh, Bargie, this is AJ, he’s a C.L.I.N.T. who defected.
AJ: I’m here to learn from Papa Decksetter about this-
PLECK: Please don’t!
C-53: Oh boy.
PLECK: That’s definit- first of all, I just need to- I need to consult the texts to see what, like, a master-
AJ: Papa!
PLECK: Like, a master/apprentice relationship would be called, but I’m almost positive it’s not “Papa Decksetter”.
AJ: Uh, Bargie the ship, I’m here to learn from… Papa Pleck… about the ways of the Space.
PLECK: It’s not- okay.
AJ: I’m very happy-
BARGIE: Don’t call me “Bargie”. Call me anything else.
[Simultaneously]
AJ & PLECK: Okay.
BARGIE: Literally ANYTHING else.
PLECK: Alright, listen, um, “ship”, uh, this is my protege.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Wow, THAT’s rude.
BARGIE: That’s demeaning, don’t just call me by my species!
AJ: That’s… rough.
PLECK: What, am I just supposed to pick a name?! Okay-
BARGIE: A NAME.
PLECK: Uh, Jennifer, this is AJ.
BARGIE: Okay!
C-53: Hm.
BARGIE: Okay. “Jenny”. Okay.
C-53: Okay, yeah. Alright.
DAR: Jennifer, no judgement, uh, but if you want help picking out ANOTHER name I am working on a pretty perfect list of them.
[Simultaneously]
BARGIE: Okay, alright.
NERMUT: Oh.
PLECK: Oh, a list of names, Dar, that’s so… cute! I love it!
NERMUT: Do- are there any, you know, sort of, family names that you’re considering?
DAR: Oh, sure!
NERMUT: From the lin- lineage?
DAR: I’m considering, obviously, my mother’s name: [Unpronounceable].
[Simultaneously]
AJ: Beautiful.
BARGIE: That’s beautiful but too long.
NERMUT: That’s got a ring- got a ring to it.
PLECK: Oh, that’s nice.
DAR: Exactly, it’ll be too hard to spell, you know.
NERMUT: Uh, like “Nermut, Jr.”, not to be…
AJ: That’s the- that’s the Emperor’s name though.
NERMUT: That’s MY NAME first!
AJ: I dunno, it feels like there’s be a lotta, you know, stigma around that. Junior of the Emperor.
PLECK: That’s actually a good point, Nermut.
NERMUT: What?! It’s MY NAME!
PLECK: Well, it’s also the name of the most evil entity in the galaxy so…
NERMUT: [Sighs]
PLECK: Sorry.
[Incoming transmission]
C-53: Pleck, I have an incoming transmission from an... unknown caller. I can’t even get a message ID on this.
PLECK: Weird. Should we answer it?
C-53: Probably not.
[12:44] BARGIE: Oh, that’s it! Pick it up!
PLECK: Oh, no, no-
[The call connects]
BARGIE: That’s my guy!
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Bargie, what’s up? It’s Flix Dunker, hacker extraordinaire.
PLECK: Whoa, his face is all pixel-y.
C-53: I… have no idea how he’s doing this.
BARGIE: So, the thing we discussed… you can do it?
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Yeah, I think I can do that.
BARGIE: Okay, great, I’m now sending you all of my information. My private information. Uh, also, all the information of everyone on the ship.
C-53: Uhh…
PLECK: Come on, Jennifer.
NERMUT: I dunno-
PLECK: Are you sure this is a good idea?
BARGIE: I do.
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Good news, just gotta press these buttons…
[Flix begins audibly tapping away at a keyboard and talking to himself]
[Electronic beep]
BARGIE: Great.
DAR: Hmm…
PLECK: “Press these buttons”?
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Right, here we go…
[Keyboard clacking]
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Gotta get this drop down menu…
BARGIE: Okay.
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Select that…
PLECK: I feel like- I feel like a hacker would not have to-
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: - walk through it like this out loud.
FLIX: [Distorted voice] And I just gotta-
AJ: I think it’s helpful.
NERMUT: Seems…
FLIX: [Distorted voice] - click this two times… And then…
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Might just be part of his process.
BARGIE: That tickles. That tickles.
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Look at this number and then I’m gonna take this piece of paper [rustling noises], turn it upside down…
[Beeps]
[Simultaneously]
C-53 & NERMUT: “Piece of paper”?!
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Alright, I’m in!
BARGIE: Great.
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Jacked in. Alright, do you have- do you have a alternate alias decided on?
BARGIE: Uhh… Alright, I have some options-
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Alright.
BARGIE: Thinking of options...
[Simultaneously]
DAR: Oh, oh, oh! What about- what about “Cricket Pearl”?
FLIX: [Distorted voice] I don’t wanna stress you out. Time is…
BARGIE: I can’t, I’ve already used that one in the past.
DAR: Okay, uhh… “Apollo Bowie Flynn”.
FLIX: Okay.
BARGIE: He was a famous actor who murdered someone, so…
C-53: Hm.
PLECK: Yeah, can’t use that one.
C-53: Yeah.
DAR: Okay. [Scratches name off list]
AJ: What about “AJ”?
DAR: Uh-
C-53: AJ, that’s you.
[Simultaneously]
AJ: Oh, yeah...
DAR: Uhh, that’s currently in use.
PLECK: Yeah, that’s- we can’t have two- we can’t have two “AJ”s.
DAR: Okay-
FLIX: [Distorted voice] You know, guys, I don’t- I don’t wanna stress you out but it is illegal for me to be in these databases like this, switching things around, turning pieces of paper upside down, so, if we could, uh-
C-53: Are you literally turning pieces of paper upside down?!
FLIX: [Distorted voice] This would be a lot easier if you guys would come to my dorm room.
PLECK: We have to come to your dorm room?
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Yeah, uh…
BARGIE: Sounds good! I’m on my way right now!
[Bargie ends the communication]
PLECK: No, Bar- No!
NERMUT: What?! A dorm?!
PLECK: Bargie, Flix is in college?
BARGIE: Yeah.
C-53: I thought this guy was a legit hacker.
BARGIE: … Education’s very important.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: I know that, but… I thought you said you knew him from-
PLECK: No, I understand that, but, like, is he- is he a-
BARGIE: Never give up on your dreams.
PLECK: Is he a-
BARGIE: Always study.
PLECK: I just don’t know if this guy’s legit. Where did you hear about him?
BARGIE: Pleck, I know you’re talkin’ to me, I just don’t have time right now! Time is of the essence! I wanna disappear! I do not exist! The things I’ve done in my past do not represent who I am as a person! I’ve made mistakes but now I’m moving forward as the new- completely new ship who has no history financially and cannot be charged as a result. Don’t ask questions. It’s just happening, okay?
C-53: Uhh…
PLECK: Uhh…
C-53: We actually DO have a couple of questions.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: No! No need to ask any questions.
AJ: Oh, we’re asking questions?
BARGIE: Let’s just keep it all under wraps.
PLECK: No, AJ.
BARGIE: Just accept I have somebody else and we’re getting the hell out.
C-53: But Bargie…
BARGIE: I’m going very fast.
AJ: My question is, if I’m a clone, do I have a soul?
PLECK: Oh, wow!
C-53: Wow. Uh...
PLECK: AJ!
AJ: What?
C-53: That was a hard left, AJ.
PLECK: [Intake of breath] That’s rough!
[Transition Music]
[Walking]
PLECK: Wow, this is- this is- is this, like, a college planet?
COLLEGE STUDENT #1: Yo, bro!
PLECK: Uh, oh, uh, yeah, hi!
COLLEGE STUDENT #1: Bro, could you toss me that laserdisc?
PLECK: Uhh… I mean, yeah, yeah. Man, I haven’t- I haven’t thrown one of these in a while.
C-53: Just snap the wrist.
PLECK: Okay, uhh, here you go.
[Pleck throws the laserdisc]
COLLEGE STUDENT #1: Agh! My hand! You sliced my hand off!
PLECK: Oh no!
[College Student #1 yells and cries in the background]
PLECK: Oh, I don’t know what- what I- how was I supposed-
C-53: You were supposed to snap the wrist, Pleck.
PLECK: Yeah but-
COLLEGE STUDENT #2: Hey, if you’re free this Saturday we’re having a giant party in room 55B. It’s B-Y-O… B
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: Oh
COLLEGE STUDENT #2: dot-dot-dot B.
PLECK: Sure.
COLLEGE STUDENT #2: You know what that means.
PLECK: Sure.
COLLEGE STUDENT #2: It doesn’t mean beer. It doesn’t mean whatever you think, it’s what you think it is, but it’s the opposite of that. Remember to wear yellow and tur-turq!
PLECK: Yeah, we’re not- we’re not actually students, um, but, uh, but I’ll-
DAR: Pleck, come on! This is super flattering. They think we’re students!
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Oh, yeah, okay, hey, yeah, we’ll / be there!
DAR: / See you at the party!
C-53: That’s a good sign.
PLECK: Man, I didn- I was never invited to any parties when I was IN college, so-
NERMUT: Wow, so we have to bring a “B” thing. Uhh… Buh-buh-buh-buh…
C-53: Nermut, we’re not gonna go to this party.
PLECK: Yeah, we’re not going to this party.
NERMUT: Hmm? Oh. Alright, alright.
C-53: We’re not gonna be here long enough to go.
NERMUT: Okay
C-53: Well this looks like it - “Clorvian Hall”.
PLECK: Okay. Shouldn’t we be signing in or something? This feels a little bit…
C-53: Security’s a little lax.
PLECK: We literally just landed and walked in this building.
C-53: [Noise of agreement]
COLLEGE STUDENT #3: Hey! Put this in your mouth and chug it! Chug! Chug! Chug!
[People chanting “Chug!” in the background]
DAR: Whoa! Nermut! Chug, Nermut, chug!
PLECK: Oh, man! Nermut!
C-53: Oh, they filled him up fast!
NERMUT: Ohh, I think I just got hazed into a frat!
PLECK: Oh, man.
[Nermut makes noises of misery]
COLLEGE STUDENT #3: First meeting’s on Tuesday!
NERMUT: Okay!
COLLEGE STUDENT #3: BYO… B!
NERMUT: Oh! Okay…
C-53: Okay, but, which- is it the “B” that we’re thinking-
COLLEGE STUDENT #3: No.
C-53: - or a different “B”?
NERMUT: Yeah, is it the opposite “B”?
COLLEGE STUDENT #3: It’s the other one.
NERMUT: Okay, bye.
C-53: What’s “the other one”?
NERMUT: Oh, boy.
C-53: We’re gonna have to figure that out.
NERMUT: UGH.
[Nermut vomits]
PLECK: Oh, wow. Nermut, are you alright?
DAR: Oh.
NERMUT: I’ll be okay, I think I got most of it out.
DAR: Wow, I don’t think you se-
PLECK: I feel like- you are such a liability on missions.
NERMUT: No! I’m good, I’m good! I’m good! I’m good.
C-53: Pleck, I’m… getting a little worried about the reliability of this “Flix Dunker” we’re going to see. I- I don’t know if his skillset is something we’ll actually be able to use.
PLECK: Yeah, this seems like a pretty youthful, laid back kinda environment.
NERMUT: I dunno. Jennifer- “Jennifer” vouched for-
C-53: You don’t have to put air quotes around that.
DAR: Hmm.
AJ: Think his room’s down the hall.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Okay.
PLECK: Oh, boy.
C-53: 991…
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: 993… Okay, this seems to be the right room.
PLECK: Okay, um. Oh, there’s a whiteboard on the door. It just says “come on in”.
DAR: Well I guess we should listen to the whiteboard!
[Door opens]
PLECK: Alright, hey! Hello!
FLIX: [With a much higher voice than over the transmission] Oh, hey! What’s- yeah, come on in!
C-53: I- uh, Flix?
FLIX: Come ooonnn in! Flix Dunker, hacker extraordinaire. Welcome to my lair!
DAR: Hi! I couldn’t tell from his voice that we were [laughs awkwardly] about to hang out with a child.
C-53: Hmm… Must have modified his voice in the call. Classic hacker move.
DAR: Classic.
FLIX: Where’s- where’s Bargie?
C-53: Oh, umm…
PLECK: Flix, Bargie’s a ship. She can’t fit in the room.
NERMUT: Yeah, Bargie’s a massive-
C-53: She’s- she’s huge.
FLIX: Oh.
C-53: We can’t bring a full sized ship into your dorm room. It’s-
FLIX: Alright.
C-53: It’s way too big.
FLIX: That’s kind of a rip off. I mean, it’s kinda jucked up that you would, like, come here.
PLECK: You know, you could have come on the ship. You could have come on the ship and then we could all-
FLIX: No, I don’t- I don’t really… like to leave… here.
PLECK: Sure. Tha- okay.
NERMUT: That’s apparent.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, that’s…
FLIX: Wait, hold on, is that a C.L.I.N.T.?
C-53: Um… yes.
DAR: Uh…
C-53: The short version is “yes”.
AJ: That’s right!
FLIX: Alright, yeah, come here.
AJ: Okay.
FLIX: Come here. Just take this plate off of your chest piece…
[Noise of drill]
PLECK: Whoa, hey, what are you doing?
C-53: Oh, that’s, uhh…
AJ: Oh.
FLIX: Here, hold on, just put- here, can you just stick this in there?
AJ: Yeah, sure.
[Click of something being inserted into AJ’s armor]
AJ: Oh!
FLIX: Alright and just five- five… four… three… two…
[AJ attempts to talk in his helmet]
DAR: Whaaat?
FLIX: Okay, I’m gonna…
[The sounds of AJ’s helmet morph into Bargie’s voice]
[[*Note: For the rest of the scene in Flix’s dorm room Bargie speaks through AJ’s helmet*]]
BARGIE: What?
PLECK: What?!
FLIX: There we go!
PLECK: What just happened?
NERMUT: What?! What?!
[Crosstalk]
FLIX: I just / patched Bargie’s voice pattern into that C.L.I.N.T.’s suit.
DAR: / Ooh, that is some hack!
PLECK: Bargie!
BARGIE: Yep.
PLECK: You- can you hear us?
BARGIE: Again, again, again, what did- no on the name!
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: Oh, okay.
PLECK: Okay, sorry.
C-53: Oh, sorry.
BARGIE: Hey, we’re in a public place.
C-53: Uh.
FLIX: Oh, right.
BARGIE: I don’t know who’s who.
PLECK: Wait, hold on, is- AJ, can you hear us?
[Unintelligible noises come out of AJ’s suit]
PLECK: Oh no!
C-53: Uh, AJ-
FLIX: He’ll be fine.
C-53: You sure he’ll be okay?
FLIX: I mean, like, he’s got air piping in.
C-53: I- I guess. Yeah, I guess he’s fine.
[More unintelligible noises come out of AJ’s suit]
BARGIE: Hold on, quick question. Um, when you patch me in do I also have the power to move the arms and legs of the thing I’m in?
[Simultaneously]
FLIX: Well, give it a shot!
PLECK: Nah, it’s just- it’s just a-
[AJ’s suit moves]
C-53: Wow!
PLECK: Wow, no!
BARGIE: Is it working?
NERMUT: Yes!?
C-53: Indeed, it is!
PLECK: How is that possible?!
BARGIE: [Walking AJ’s body around] Wait, hold up. Left leg, right leg, left leg, right leg…
[Bargie continues to walk AJ’s body around in the background]
C-53: Well, it’s common knowledge that C.L.I.N.T. armor has a number of negative motion servos installed so if Bargie can access those then she can control his suit.
BARGIE: I’m tickling Nermut!
NERMUT: Agh!! No!! Stop it!!
BARGIE: I’ve always wanted to do that! He’s so tiny! Haha!
DAR: Huh…
[Nermut continues to make strained noises as he’s tickled]
NERMUT: Not my plimplump!
BARGIE: Pleck.
PLECK: This is… very…
NERMUT: Ah! That’s my nub! That’s my tail nub!
PLECK: This is very confusing.
C-53: Pretty strange, yeah.
[Bargie stops tickling Nermut]
BARGIE: Hey, Pleck, come here!
PLECK: Nah, I don’t-
BARGIE: I wanna slap your face.
[Slap]
PLECK: Ow! Bargie!
[AJ makes unintelligible noises inside his suit]
C-53: Uhh… AJ, if you’re having trouble you can probably just take the helmet off.
[AJ takes off his helmet]
AJ: Oh! Yeah, uh, I knew that. I knew that I wouldn’t die if I took the helmet off.
C-53: Did you think you were gonna die just now?
AJ: No, why would I-
NERMUT: Is there a chance that you didn’t know that?
AJ: [Laughs awkwardly]
PLECK: Oh, yeah, Bargie, you still there?
BARGIE: [From AJ’s helmet] I’m down here!
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: In the helmet.
BARGIE: Yeah, okay, so we doin’ this or not?
FLIX: Yeah, let’s do it! It shouldn’t be too hard to get a new name to Bargie. It’s just the problem is I’ve been hacking for so long the university capitol put limits on my bandwidth.
PLECK: Uhh…
C-53: Oh, they capped it.
DAR: Hm…
FLIX: So, I’m thinking if we can plug your chrome butt into my rig…
C-53: That’s vulgar.
NERMUT: Is it your butt? You can plug in your butt?
C-53: Well, I have ports and adapters, you know.
PLECK: Why would they put them in your butt?
C-53: Well, it’s just, you know, in terms of real estate on the body, it’s one of the first places people think to look.
PLECK: Sure, I mean-
DAR: And also, I mean, you get to sit down when you’re charging, you know.
C-53: That’s true.
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: Oh, yeah, I guess, that checks out.
C-53: It takes some of the strain off the frame.
PLECK: I guess I hadn’t really thought about it like that.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: It just seems-
FLIX: It’s an option.
PLECK: Why not just on your back or on your chest plate?
[Crosstalk]
C-53: Also, a lot of times there’s, you know, sex stuff that / people want in C units...
PLECK: / Sure. Sure.
NERMUT: Right.
C-53: So…
PLECK: Okay. Great.
NERMUT: Say no more.
PLECK: Yup.
FLIX: Sex stuff. Yeah. I know about that.
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: I dunno…
PLECK: Okay, you don’t have to say, it’s-
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: You don’t have to say that.
DAR: We’re okay.
FLIX: One time I jacked off into the toilet and it, uh, it hit the water so hard it splashed up and hit my foot.
C-53: Were you- is that a brag?!
FLIX: [Laughs]
DAR: That was…
PLECK: WHY would you volunteer that information?!
DAR: … so good.
FLIX: I thought we were just talkin’ about sex stuff-
PLECK: No, no!
FLIX: - so I thought-
PLECK: First of all, that’s barely “sex stuff”. Secondly, we don’t know each other at all.
[Crosstalk]
FLIX: What’s up?! My name is / Flix Dunker, hacker extraordinaire.
PLECK: / “Flix Dunker”
PLECK: I know, I know. We know who each other are, I just-
FLIX: Yeah.
PLECK: Okay.
FLIX: Well, seems like you guys have proved yourselves.
PLECK: Okay.
FLIX: So...
[Flix rolls across the dorm room in his chair]
FLIX: I’m gonna put on my hack jacket. I’m doing you guys a favor.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: This is your- this is your “hack jacket”?
NERMUT: Say what?
PLECK: Wait, your- your “hack jacket”?
FLIX: [Zipping up the jacket] Yeah, it’s, uh… belonged to my dad. He was a pilot.
DAR: Oh, no.
C-53: It’s…
FLIX: Yeah!
NERMUT: It’s so big on you…
AJ: The sleeves are too long.
C-53: Because it’s your hack jacket, is that why it says “NET FLIX” on the back?
[Flix’s chair rolls back across the dorm room]
FLIX: I’m “Flix”, I’m on the net! I’m Net Flix, baby!
PLECK: Okay, that’s your username?
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: That’s your hacker name?
FLIX: “Net Flix”?
PLECK: Yeah!
[Flix’s chair continues to roll across the floor]
FLIX: There a problem with that?
PLECK: Sort of!
AJ: It has your first name in it.
PLECK: I mean, yeah-
FLIX: I’m on the NET!
C-53: Yeah, but somebody might use that information to find you.
AJ: I think the jacket’s cool.
[Crosstalk]
C-53: I mean, it’s / a very cool jacket.
DAR: / Mm…
FLIX: Everytime I put on this jacket, and I take this headband out,-
AJ: [Gasps]
FLIX: - and I put this headband on,-
AJ: [Gasps]
FLIX: - I’m ready to hack!
AJ: Look at that!
FLIX: I’m in the system, I’m ready to pound some keys,-
NERMUT: Wow!
FLIX: - and give Bargie a new name!
[Keys clicking on a keyboard]
C-53: I’m just worried that you have left yourself very vulnerable to attack from other hackers.
PLECK: You’re using your first name.
NERMUT: And such a bright bandana!
AJ: That’s a great bandana.
C-53: Maybe a-
FLIX: Yeah, I-
C-53: Maybe a better hacker name would be something like, I dunno, “Qwikster”, or…
PLECK: Yeah, or, uh, or “Hulu”!
FLIX: What?!
C-53: Yeah
FLIX: Wait, that sucks!
C-53: Yeah.
FLIX: Hulu sucks!
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Ah- Hulu does suck.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: Right.
FLIX: Juck!
NERMUT: Something old school like “Blockbuster”!
PLECK: What are you talking- Nermut!
DAR: Ooh! Yeah! That was actually on my list of names.
NERMUT: Oh!
C-53: “Blockbuster”?
AJ: What about “AJ” as a hacker name?
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: That’s already- no! That’s way too short for a hacker name!
C-53: Also, that’s just your name. There’s nothing about that that suggests a hacker.
AJ: But it’s MY name so shouldn’t it be my hacker name?
C-53: No. See-
[Simultaneously]
DAR & PLECK: No.
AJ: I’m with Flix on this.
C-53: No, see, Flix, when he’s-
AJ: What if I’m “Net AJ”?
C-53: That doesn’t…
FLIX: So, uh, are we giving Jennifer a new name or… do you guys want-
DAR: Yes, we are.
PLECK: Let’s do it.
DAR: Jennifer, what do you think of the name “Petal Blossom Rainbow”?
C-53: That’s a- that is an absurd name.
NERMUT: Nobody would be named that.
BARGIE: That might be too whimsical for me.
DAR: Got it, got it! No, I hear you loud and clear! I’ll cross that one off the list.
[Name being scratched off list]
DAR: Okay, how ‘bout “Geo Grace”?
C-53: Hm.
BARGIE: That was my ex’s name.
DAR: Oy, okay.
NERMUT: I dunno, I mean, I don’t wanna-
DAR: [Flipping through list of names] "Poppy"… “Honey”, …
BARGIE: Nope.
DAR: ... “Rosie”, …
BARGIE: Don’t like it.
DAR: … “Daisy”, …
BARGIE: Been that.
DAR: … “Boo”, ... "Pamela"
C-53: Is that one continuous name?
BARGIE: Not a child’s name.
DAR: “Buddybear”.
BARGIE: Doesn’t- yeah, nope!
[Dar crosses names off the list]
DAR: [Sighs] “Jamie Oliver”.
[Silence]
BARGIE: Uh…
NERMUT: I mean, beyond choosing a name, don’t you need to have your whole identity swapped? The whole history wiped? Doesn’t-
BARGIE: I already thought of a new backstory!
NERMUT: Oh?
BARGIE: Are you ready to put it into the database?
FLIX: I’m in! I’ve been jacked in this whole time! I’m hoping that I don’t get caught!
BARGIE: Alright, um-
FLIX: Being so reckless!
BARGIE: Name to be determined.
[Flix types as Bargie dictates]
BARGIE: Was born a humble farmer boy in the town of… uh… Pleck, where are you from?
PLECK: Rangus 6.
BARGIE: Rangus 6!
PLECK: Wait!
FLIX: Alright.
PLECK: Bargie, you can’t have my backstory!
DAR: I don’t know, it’s kinda working when Bargie says it.
PLECK: What?!
C-53: Yeah, it sounds sort of noble.
PLECK: Then / what is my backstory going to be?!
C-53: I dunno, you’re a Zima guy, right?
PLECK: No, I’m a Zima guy now because I came from humble beginnings!
C-53: Ehh, just make your story a Zima guy and then Bargie can be the farm boy.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: No! I can’t start out as a Zima guy!
NERMUT: You know, it sounded kinda good, Bargie-
DAR: Why not?
[Low beeping]
FLIX: Whoa, guys! Emergency!
NERMUT: Huh?
FLIX: Uhh… they’re onto me.
NERMUT: Who’s “they”?
PLECK: Who’s “they”?!
DAR: Who’s “they”?
FLIX: Uhh… the- the university capitol, uh, online, uh, it’s like- it’s like-
C-53: Oh, we must be pulling down a ton of bandwidth.
FLIX: Yeah, it’s like the cops of the net.
NERMUT: The UCap Net Cops?
FLIX: Yeah. If I’m gonna hack this successfully, I’m gonna need to listen to some music!
PLECK: I don’t-
FLIX: So…
PLECK: How is that…
FLIX: Gets me in the zone!
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: That’s his process, Papa.
[LOUD techno beats start playing]
PLECK: Oh!
NERMUT: Flix!
FLIX: AAH!
C-53: Oh, this is… really aggressive techno.
NERMUT: Oh, wow!
PLECK: Flix, that is very loud!
FLIX: YEAH!
[Pleck makes pained noises]
PLECK: [Loudly] Can you put on, like, do you have, like, headphones or something you could put on?!
FLIX: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay! Yeah, I can work better if it’s, like, in my head!
PLECK: Okay.
[The music gets quieter as Flix plugs in headphones]
PLECK: Okay.
[Clacking of Flix’s keyboard]
FLIX: ZANG!
[A series of beeps]
FLIX: AH!
[Clacking of keyboard continues]
FLIX: GLOP IT OUT, MAN!
PLECK: What is- what is he talking about?
FLIX: AHH! THE BEANS!
[Flix continues to dramatically hammer at his keyboard]
PLECK: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. C-53, are you familiar with any of these slang terms?
FLIX: OH!
C-53: No, not one. Net slang moves so quickly and evolves so fast that no diplomatic relations has ever been able to keep up with it.
PLECK: Hmm.
C-53: It’s, uh, frankly a very fascinating linguistic area.
FLIX: IT’S A CRATE FULL OF INFO!
PLECK: Uhhh…
FLIX: GAH, I’M TYPING TOO FAST! Thank Rodd I’m wearing these gloves!
PLECK: How does-
NERMUT: [Whispering] Gloves?
PLECK: How do those-
FLIX: GAH! JUCK!
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Okay, how do the gloves, / if they’re fingerless, how do they help?
NERMUT: / They’re fingerless! How could they -
FLIX: THEY’RE ON MY TAIL!
NERMUT: Who?! What?
C-53: I guess they could decrease friction-
PLECK: I mean, but still!
C-53: - if there’s no fingers on the glove?
PLECK: Still!
FLIX: Okay, now I’m gonna hold my keyboard like it’s a musical instrument cause I’m just JAMMING this hack!
NERMUT: Whoa!
C-53: It looks like he’s playing chords on his keyboard!
NERMUT: Oh, it’s a keytar!
AJ: He’s got his eyes closed really tightly!
PLECK: That is pretty cool.
C-53: This shouldn’t work at all.
NERMUT: Oh, man.
FLIX: C-53!!
C-53: Yes?!
FLIX: Increase power!
[Switch flipped, powering up noise]
FLIX: PUSH!
C-53: Okay!
PLECK: Push-
C-53: You’re-
PLECK: What-
C-53: You’re talking-
AJ: With his butt.
FLIX: Outta your butt!
C-53: Okay, okay! Yup!
FLIX: Push the energy outta your butt into my rig!
[Powering up noise]
C-53: [Voice rising with the strain] Pleck this is a Yumbassador frame! These are cheap! They’re not meant to push through this much power! Ooo!
PLECK: Bargie, quick! You gotta pick a name! Fast!
BARGIE: Uhh… Ahh… Feel like maybe it’s “Jenni”-something. We’re almost there. Juh-juh-juh-juh-something. We’re almost there...
PLECK: Oh boy.
FLIX: Bargie? I think I’ve got it. Your name… is… "B4[backwards-R]J13".
PLECK: Wait, what?
FLIX: B- four-maybe a capital backwards R-J-one-three? That’s it! Using numbers as letters - the ultimate hacker trick!
PLECK: Hmm…
FLIX: It’s so simple-
BARGIE: “B4[backwards-R]J13”... [*Note: Pronounced identical to “Bargie”*]
FLIX: - it just might work!
[Crosstalk]
C-53: But then if anyone sear- / -ching for “Bargie” B-A-R-G-I-E wouldn’t be able to find her!
BARGIE: / Wow!
NERMUT: Wow!
AJ: Wow!
FLIX: Hiding in plain sight!
BARGIE: This guy’s good! This guy’s good!
C-53: You have to admit, NET FLIX is worth the money!
[Transition music]
PLECK: Flix, how did you become a hacker anyway?
[Flix rolls his chair over to Pleck]
FLIX: Well, it’s a, you know, pretty typical story for un, you know, hackers like me. Uh, I was an orphan from a, uh, flyboy Federated Alliance pilot. He left me his jacket and a box full of hardware. Had to fight my way into a dorm room. Pretty soon I found a league of like minded individuals that don’t like being told what to do. So what do you do? You start breakin’ the rules inside the net!
PLECK: How is it that you’re able to get into all these databases and change names like this? Like, how do you- how do you get this information?
FLIX: Well, if you haven’t noticed, I spent a lot of time indoors.
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: Uhh… yeah, sure. No, that was-
C-53: Yeah, no, we all noticed that, yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah, we see that… Just, yeah.
PLECK: I sort of meant, like, technically. Like, technically how do you do it.
FLIX: Oh, technically? Well, you know, I’ve always been interested in, like, uh, doing things differently.
NERMUT: Sure.
PLECK: Uhh… sure.
FLIX: You know? Seeing if there’s another way in.
PLECK: Uh huh. [[*Note: Agreement*]]
NERMUT: Yeah.
FLIX: And now I realize, for me? There’s now way out.
PLECK: Uhh…
AJ: Wow.
C-53: Uh huh. [[*Note: Insincere agreement*]]
FLIX: I’m stuck in this life!
PLECK: Yeah, that’s less technical even than-
NERMUT: Wow, that seemed like pure jargon.
PLECK: Yeah.
FLIX: I know too much!
PLECK: Uh huh. [[*Note: Insincere agreement*]]
FLIX: I’m dangerous!
NERMUT: Did you HEAR the question, or-?
FLIX: No!
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: H- how- but where do you get the databases is what I’m asking. Like, where do you- how do you even get into all of this information?
FLIX: Oh!
PLECK: There’s- there’s a galaxy FULL of, uh, you know, listings of Bargie’s name, what she looks like, like, all of this information. How do you find it all at once?
FLIX: It’s not that hard! I mean, uh, you just gotta have the right equipment, you know what I’m sayin’?
PLECK: Uhh… yeah, I guess so.
[Flix rolls across the room on his chair]
FLIX: Actually, it’s this thing. Ever seen one of these?
C-53: … Is that a Federated Alliance missionator?
NERMUT: That’s a missionator!
FLIX: Official, yeah.
NERMUT: Whoa!
FLIX: It’s a little dusty…
[Flix blows dust off the missionator]
[Nermut coughs]
FLIX: Yeah, I blew that right- I crouched down to blow that in your face, sorry.
NERMUT: Oh, come on! That was-
PLECK: Flix, this is a missionator? You- you use this?
[Nermut coughs in the background]
FLIX: Uh, past tense. USED it.
PLECK: You know, we could take this off your hands, this missionator.
NERMUT: [Quietly] Yeah!
PLECK: I mean, we’re just sort of, uh-
AJ: Flix!
FLIX: Yeah?
AJ: I just wanna let you know we’re really desperate for a, uh, missionator.
[Nermut attempts to shush AJ as AJ continues talking]
AJ: And I think they would pay any price for it.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: AJ… AJ, don’t...
NERMUT: AJ… AJ, that’s- no- that’s-
PLECK: That doesn’t seem…
AJ: What?! It’s the truth!
NERMUT: No-
AJ: You were just talking about it!
C-53: AJ, don’t-
AJ: Let’s start the bidding-
PLECK: No.
AJ: - at all the kroon that we own.
C-53: Why would you lead with that?
PLECK: AJ, no, we don’t need- Listen, I- no, I’m just saying we-
FLIX: I’m NOT interested in holding onto this anymore, so…
PLECK: Okay, yeah, we’ll just take-
AJ: Alright sounds he wants to play hard zyball-
[Simultaneously]
C-53: It doesn’t sound like that at all.
DAR: AJ...
PLECK: No, we- he really doesn’t-
AJ: I will become your indentured servant...
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Wow. That is BOLD.
NERMUT: AJ…
PLECK: Okay, you know what? I’m fine with that.
AJ: … as will the rest of the crew.
[Simultaneously]
BARGIE: I’m busy after this.
C-53: Nope, that’s- don’t lead with that in a negotiation.
DAR: Nooo, that’s where we draw the line.
PLECK: That’s not- okay.
NERMUT: No, this is old stuff that you would probably just- you- you know, you’d wanna be decluttering. I mean…
C-53: Yeah, there’s life changing magic in tidying up.
NERMUT: Yeah, h- hold this missionator. Does it bring you joy?
PLECK: Okay.
[Flix picks up the missionator]
FLIX: Well, kinda reminds me of my dad…
NERMUT: Ah, no, no-
PLECK: Sure.
FLIX: … which…
[Flix’s chair rolls across the floor]
FLIX: JUCKIN’ SUCKS!
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: No, don’t throw it! Don’t throw- don’t throw- don’t throw it! Don’t!
PLECK: No! No!
FLIX: RODD!
[Flix sets the missionator down]
FLIX: Stupid dad! Always tellin’ me to go outside, make friends!
PLECK: I mean, that’s not terrible advice.
C-53: That couldn’t kill you.
PLECK: Your dad actually, I mean, based on that one memory, I mean, your dad sounds pretty reasonable.
C-53: Is that what he yelled at you the most?
DAR: Did he say anything else? Like…
FLIX: I dunno, like, eat something that isn’t a corn loop every once in a while?
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Hmm… that’s... also...
DAR: Okay...
NERMUT: That’s also really good advice.
PLECK: That’s- that’s also- your dad sounds pretty cool, actually.
[Flix zooms across the floor on his rolling chair and hits a table; a bowl and silverware rattles]
FLIX: I’m about to eat a- I’m about to chow down on a bowl of corn loops right now!
PLECK: Those are not- there’s not a whole lot of nutrition in corn loops.
NERMUT: Yeah.
FLIX: I’m hacking my body with corn loops!
[Flix shakes a box of corn loops]
PLECK: How? How?
FLIX: How? Once these corn loops are in my system, they take over, like I take over when I’m in the computer.
PLECK: In that sense they- yes, they-
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Yeah, but, the corn loops- the corn loops are hacking YOU.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: But the corn- but you’re the victim here!
FLIX: Everything I know about my brain chemistry, I thank corn loops for that!
NERMUT: Right. Did you guys know that they were originally called “karn loops”?
C-53: [With disappointment] Nermut...
DAR: Not now, Nermut.
NERMUT: Okay.
FLIX: Oh, it’s pronounced “karn”?
NERMUT: Nah, it’s a long story, but-
C-53: Boring story.
AJ: This is-
PLECK: Wait, Flix, I thought you said you were an orphan? When was your dad giving you this advice?
FLIX: Oh, I mean, like, I’m, like, an orphan by choice.
PLECK: What does that mean?!
C-53: That’s not-
FLIX: It means-
NERMUT: That’s not a-
FLIX: I don’t like being told what to do so, uh, like, every time my dad calls at around, like,-
NERMUT: No, it just means you’re difficult.
FLIX: - two everyday I’m like, “Whatever, dad! Send me some kroon!” and then I hang up.
PLECK: So, wait, when your dad dropped you off, he dropped you off in- at college?
FLIX: Yeah, but he, like, pushed me out of his craft and, like, sped off.
PLECK: Was it ‘cause he was choking up ‘cause he was sad to be parted from his-
FLIX: I dunno. He’s, like, always crying. He’s got, like, memories of being in the Federated Alliance. He’s a nerd!
PLECK: HE’S a nerd?!
NERMUT: Wait, what?!
FLIX: Wait, you know how to fly a ship?! You’re a nerd, dude! I don’t wanna talk to you!
NERMUT: Wait, Flix, are these- these boxes look like- are these care packages addressed from him?
FLIX: I don’t care! It’s not a care package if I don’t care!
[Simultaneously]
C-53: These are full of corn loops!
NERMUT: It seems like he’s really checking in on you a lot!
PLECK: A “care package” is from someone who really cares about you!
FLIX: That’s not how it works!
C-53: Yeah, Flix, listen. Look, there’s boxes and boxes of corn loops here!
FLIX: It’s my favorite food!
C-53: He’s sending them to you ‘cause he cares about you!
FLIX: He doesn’t have- he doesn’t have-
PLECK: Do they make corn loops on the university planet?
FLIX: No, they’re, like… no.
PLECK: Okay, so he’s sending them to you because you can’t get them here.
AJ: Yeah, but he doesn’t like his dad, his dad’s a nerd.
PLECK: Yeah, I know AJ.
FLIX: Wait, are you guys telling me I have to LOVE my dad just ‘cause he sends me stuff and pays for everything that I own?!
PLECK: I mean, you don’t have to,-
C-53: You don’t HAVE to.
PLECK: - but you probably should.
FLIX: Thank you!
NERMUT: We’re just saying that he obviously loves you.
PLECK: Listen, Flix, we’re happy to take that missionator off your hands if you wanna get rid of it, you know?
FLIX: Oh, you- you WANT a device that tells you to DO things?
PLECK: Well, I mean, it takes the information- it takes information and then helps you.
[Crosstalk]
C-53: It’s actually a remarkable / heuristic AI algorithm within, but...
NERMUT: / Yeah, no, that’s-
FLIX: If you haven’t figured it out by my headband, my visor, my gloves, my hack jacket, and the terrible condition that my room is in, I don’t like being told what to do.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Yeah, we have noticed that.
NERMUT: Yeah, I can tell-
PLECK: Yeah, that’s- yeah-
FLIX: Whether it’s an AI RA bot,-
NERMUT: Yeah.
FLIX: - or whether it’s, uh, the nutrition label on a box of corn loops...
C-53: Or your dad. Don’t forget your-
FLIX: Or my JUCKING DAD!
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Listen, hey, Flix, / can I just give you a piece of advice?
FLIX: / I know that much.
FLIX: Wait, YOU wanna give me advice?!
PLECK: Sort of.
C-53: Are you gonna take that advice?
FLIX: I will hear it.
PLECK: As a friend, as a friend.
FLIX: How ‘bout you give me some advice and I kick you in the nads?!
PLECK: Okay.
AJ: Deal! We’ll take it!
PLECK: Stop! Stop! No!
AJ: And all the kroon we own!
PLECK: Stop! Come on! AJ!
PLECK: Flix, you don’t have to try so hard, okay? And, you know, you should listen to your dad, he’s got some pretty good ideas.
FLIX: Alright. Noted. And now I kick you in the nads!
[Impact]
[Pleck yells in pain]
C-53: He did say he was gonna do that.
[Pleck groaning in pain]
FLIX: It’s the oldest trick in the book; saying what I’m gonna do and then doing it!
[Pleck continues to groan]
NERMUT: Ah, but good job holding the missionator through that whole… exchange?
C-53: Do you know what? I can take that off your hands, Pleck-
PLECK: [Pained] My Zima… training… at work!
[Transition music]
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Alright, Nermut, here’s your missionator! I guess your / Master Missions Operations can begin!
NERMUT: / Ohh… man… come… to… mama!
[Crosstalk]
C-53: Got a- got a few corn loops in there. Let’s… / pull those out...
NERMUT: / Oh, okay.
[Nermut skitters to plug in the missionator]
NERMUT: Alright, alright. And, alright, I’m gonna plug this in near my terrarium… and… ahh! It feels good!
MISSIONATOR: [Singing] Welcome to the missionator!
NERMUT: Oh, boy! That’s-
PLECK: Ooh, that’s cool!
NERMUT: That song! It’s- it’s been playing in my head and to hear it in real life again feels so good!
PLECK: You know, I gotta say, Bargie, uh, you know, uh, that was sort of a crazy mission, but, uh, I- I’m glad you got what you wanted, you know? And I’m glad we get to still call you Bargie!
[Simultaneously]
BARGIE: [Voice emanating from both the ship and helmet and echoing] Hey, you know-
NERMUT: Yeah, but not-
[Bargie’s voice continues to echo with feedback and grows louder]
[The crew yells in aural pain]
PLECK: Whoa!
C-53: Whoa, that’s-
PLECK: AJ! AJ!
NERMUT: Turn off the helmet!
PLECK: Turn off your helmet!
AJ: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry, hold on!
[The echoing stops]
AJ: How’s that?
NERMUT: [Noise of relief]
AJ: Better?
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Yeah, that was… Didn’t consider that side effect...
NERMUT: Ah… Oh, man.
PLECK: Ah, yeah, wow. Whew!
BARGIE: Now, remember, don’t call me “Bargie”,-
NERMUT: Right.
C-53: Right.
BARGIE: - call me “B4[backwards-R]J13”. [[*Note: They sound identical*]]
PLECK: Sure.
NERMUT: [To himself] B4[backwards-R]J13…
PLECK: Yeah, you’ve got it Bargie.
DAR: Oh, yeah, so, just- just to clarify, uh, we didn’t like any of those names I mentioned? And we, uh, [awkward laugh] we didn’t want to use them, ever [awkward laugh] [quieter] with something else?
BARGIE: Correct, sorry.
PLECK: Listen, Dar, you- you can’t count out those names. Maybe whatever is inside of you, when it comes out, you know-
C-53: Yeah, you’ll know.
PLECK: You’ll know.
BARGIE: B4[backwards-R]J13! That sounds so… different! It sounds so… secret! You know? No one’s ever gonna suspect B4[backwards-R]J13!
PLECK: Hm…
BARGIE: “What did B4[backwards-R]J13 do?” “Nothing! B4[backwards-R]J13 was a farmer! B4[backwards-R]J13 came from a-” Where- where’s Pleck from?
[Simultaneously]
C-53 & NERMUT & PLECK: Rangus 6.
BARGIE: Rangus 6! “B4[backwards-R]J13 came from Rangus 6!”
[Incoming transmission]
C-53: Pleck, I have an incoming transmission from Flix Dunker.
PLECK: Huh. Uh, okay.
[Transmission connects]
PLECK: Hey, Flix!
FLIX: [Distorted voice] Attention crew of the Bargarean Jade and B4?J13! It’s me, [distortion disappears] Flix Dunker.
PLECK: Oh, hey! Flix, what’s up, man?
[Crosstalk]
FLIX: What’s up, guys! Um, my stupid family, uh, they sent me another care package, or, as I like to call them, uh, / “don’t-care package”, yeah.
PLECK: / “Don’t-care package”? Yeah.
C-53: Hm, yeah.
FLIX: Yeah, I guess-
PLECK: I saw that coming.
NERMUT: Yeah.
FLIX: Yeah, well, they sent me another missionator. Idiots! So, like, if you guys wanna come back and, like, hang out…
NERMUT: Uhh…
PLECK: Uhh…
FLIX: If you need another missionator, like, if you need, like, a backup, or…
PLECK: Uh, yeah, oh, yeah, we- we, uh, we appreciate that-
[Simultaneously]
C-53: We sort of have one.
NERMUT: We’re good.
AJ: How much kroon do you want for it?
C-53: [With quiet disappointment] AJ…
FLIX: I- I just wanna ask you guys if you guys wanted to be my friend, hang out for a little while. It could be like a- like a Net Flix and chill type situation.
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT & PLECK: Uhh…
PLECK: I mean, I don’t know…
[Simultaneously]
C-53: No, that seems…
NERMUT: That seems like a euphemism.
PLECK: That seems...
PLECK: I don’t really wanna- that’s not what I come to a dorm room for, really…
[Simultaneously]
C-53: … Really?
FLIX: … Alright...
PLECK: You know, Flix, I heard there’s a party down at room 55B that sounds pretty cool!
FLIX: Hmm...
NERMUT: Yeah
C-53: Yeah, some face to face interaction may improve your mental state, Flix.
FLIX: Stop telling me what to do you… tin can!
C-53: Okay, well that’s…
[Flix puts on his headset]
[Simultaneously]
C-53: … And he’s put on his headset.
DAR: Oh, wow, okay.
NERMUT: Point taken...
PLECK: Oh, very… That’s rude.
[Flix starts typing away in the background without ending the transmission]
C-53: O… kay…
PLECK: You know, Bargie, I don’t think we ever really got a real answer about why you had to change your name.
BARGIE: I won’t get into specifics but let’s just say I made a lot of unwise financial decisions-
PLECK: Oh!
NERMUT: Oh boy.
BARGIE: - that have left a lot of people very angry.
[In the background Flix yells excitedly]
BARGIE: … Possibly people in charge of governments. And if they find out it was me and find out where I am they will definitely kill me and the people who are inside of me.
[Simultaneously]
AJ: Huh!
C-53: Oh, that is- eh, that’s a good reason!
NERMUT: Oh! So, why don’t we-
PLECK: Okay! Alright, wow! That’s…
BARGIE: But they’ll never get me cause now I’m B4[backwards-R]J13! Haha! You’ll never get B4[backwards-R]J13!!
DAR: Ohh… We definitely should have chosen a more complicated name…
FLIX: [Over transmission] I’M IN THE CYBER FADE!
C-53: Sorry, are we still watching Net Flix or should I just shut it off?
[Outro Music, Bargie Flyby Sound Effect]
// - FIN - //
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-I-T-Five, Credits and Attributions droid, commencing Outro Protocol. Stay tuned after the credits for an important message from the crew. Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie- Oops! I mean “B4[backwards-R]J13”, the ship, was played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind. AJ was played by Winston Noel. Flix Dunker was played by special guest Riley Soloner. Riley is an NYC based actor, writer, and comedy wrestler who can be seen performing in NYC with Extremely Serious Wrestling. Riley can also be seen and heard as Vacation Jason, the world’s number one vacation expert. Follow them both on social media @rileysoloner and @VacationJason. This episode was edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. Additional sound effects by Riley Soloner. Recorded at Braund Studios in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O’Connell. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design of The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.
//
[41:46] [Maximum Fun Promotion]
SETH: Hey there, it’s Seth again with the whole crew.
[Greetings from the crew!]
SETH: And because I know, uh, I just know that you signed up to support our show at the beginning of the episode, uh, or, on the off chance that you didn’t get around to it yet, now I’m here to remind you about all of the exclusive bonus content that you- you will get when you become a supporter of our show. So, on the Max Fun bonus feed and website we have, count ‘em, four live episodes with more on the way, um, we have mailbag episodes where we answer your questions, uh, which, by the way, email those to crew@missiontozyxx.space. We have ringtones from all sorts of different characters on the show. Uh, we have a full length Bermut Nundaloy album which I- just- I- I honestly can’t really begin to describe. And way more stuff on the way. We produced all this stuff as- as thank yous for you and- and the other people helping us make this show, um, and the crazy thing is that you actually also get bonus content from every other show across the Maximum Fun network. This is truly a collective. Um, I don’t know if my voice just happens to sound, uh, scratchy right now, but we literally got back from a Max Fun meetup just before recording this message, which was a delight. And then, plus, if you join now during the Max Fun Drive by March 29th at $10 a month or above or you upgrade your membership you will get an exclusive enamel pin. The Mission to Zyxx pin says “Use the Space”. It has a wood saber which, um, of course, is one of the most powerful chunks of a tree that, uh, you can ever find. You can check out our- our social media to see the design. Those are only available during the drive. So the place to go again is maximumfun.org/donate. You choose your level, you check Mission to Zyxx, and put in your info, and thank you for making this show, um, a reality for us as the people who get to make it, for yourselves as the people listening, and- and, honestly, for everyone else who- wo may not be able to support and gets to enjoy it because of those of us who can. And- and- just to say, we recognize that there’s a chance that when you hear this show, which- which we work really hard to make sound polished and- and you hear that we’re on this amazing network, Maximum Fun, it- it might seem that the show is set financially, which just isn’t- it’s- it’s not actually true. We’re- we’re putting a tremendous amount of elbow grease into this. And, every episode, this might sound crazy, but it has about 80 hours of- of post-production - the editing and sound design - put into it after this super organic, you know, improv recording. And, that’s just labor we’re- we’re putting in, I guess as- as- as just an in- an investment in- in feeling like we value this in the- in the way that we hope you do as listeners. So, um… uh… thanks. Thank you.
// Maximumfun.org - artist owned, audience supported //
[45:08] [Outtake]
FLIX/RILEY: I was just thinking so fast with all these corn loops surging through my system!
DAR/ALLIE: Oh, yeah, that’s right. They- they don’t break down, they just… float through your system.
[Simultaneously]
C-53/JEREMY: Yeah, they just sort of bounce around yeah.
FLIX/RILEY: They just kinda roll through my veins, yeah.
PLECK/ALDEN: Are you guys sure it’s not “karn loops”? It’s spelled “karn loops”.
[Simultaneously]
AJ/WINSTON: It’s “corn loops”.
NERMUT/SETH: Nah, it’s pronounced “corn”.
C-53/JEREMY: It’s “corn”.
PLECK/ALDEN: [Noise of frustration] I- I think it’s “karn”, guys!
NERMUT/SETH: Nah, it’s pronounced “corn”.
PLECK/ALDEN: I think it’s “karn”!
JEREMY: Again, this is a bad story… and joke.
[Laughing]
ALDEN: I disagree!
[Laughing]
MOUJAN: It’s the best joke!
ALLIE: [Singsong] Very funny!