412: Same Shit, Derfrent Day [ft. Justin Tyler]
The crew celebrates AJ’s sixth birthday with a trip to the zoo, where they run into an old pal. AJ wipes away the tears. Pleck learns about Stuff. Nermut gets plucked for a new job.
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NARRATOR: It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat. Which looks like a wormhole's arsehole.
Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite with a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.
This is Mission to Zyxx!!!!!!!!
AJ: Hey, Bargie.
BARGIE: Yeap?
AJ: Guess what day it is.
BARGIE: Uh, it's just a normal day on the ship.
AJ: Wrong. So wrong.
BARGIE: Why?
AJ: It is my birthday, Bargie. It's my birthday!
C-53: That’s right Bargie today is AJ’s sixth birthday.
AJ: That's right.
BARGIE: Well, lucky for you, nothing is happening today. Absolutely nothing. Just a normal day on the ship. Everyone's gonna relax, sit down, and be fine.
DAR: We've already told him that we're taking him to the zoo.
AJ: But Bargie's saying that we're not. What's going on? I thought we were going to the zoo today. You guys specifically wanted--
C-53: Hey AJ, calm down.
AJ: No.
[Phone ringing]
C-53: Oh, uhh,Yeah Pleck?
PLECK: Hey, where is everybody? I'm waiting for you guys to get AJ into the cargo hold.
C-53: Oh, we kind of told him about the surprise already.
PLECK: I’m in here with a bunch of banners and balloons like an idiot.
AJ: Well-- Wait, is it happening or not? Bargie's saying it's not happening.
DAR: It is happening.
AJ: What is happening?
DAR: It's just--we told you because you were upset that you thought we forgot your birthday, but we were just trying to build up to a really big surprise.
BARGIE: I was supposed to announce it with a song and dance, but I guess that's not happening anymore.
PLECK: No, Bargie, it's not too late.
BARGIE: Nope, nope. Birthday's cancelled. Pleck! Opening up my hatch. Get rid of all the birthday stuff.
PLECK: No, Bargie
DAR: Oh, wow.
AJ: Oh, man.
DAR: So that's what a hundred balloons in space looks like.
BARGIE: They just popped.
C-53: Immediately.
DAR: Yep.
AJ: Whoa.
PLECK: No, AJ, listen--
AJ: So it's not my birthday.
PLECK: We all knew it was your birthday. I think we just were kind of not on the same page about how to, you know, celebrate it with you.
AJ: So we're not going to the zoo?
PLECK, C-53 AND DAR: We are going to the zoo.
BARGIE: Come on, come on. We all need to get on the same page. Okay?
C-53: Yeah, this is very clear.
BARGIE: This is getting out of control. Why don't we all at the same time say what the new goal of today is?
PLECK: Okay, sure.
C-53: Yeah.
BARGIE: One, two, three.
[All at once]
PLECK: I'm going to go get the balloons and We'll do another surprise party.
C-53: Take AJ to the zoo.
DAR: Zooo?
AJ: I don't know. I'm really confused about what's going on.
BARGIE: I will work in my office Until—
PLECK: Development party?
C-53: Pleck, you're going to get balloons from—- Popped balloons from space?
PLECK: I thought I might go try to grab them real quick.
C-53: No, that’s a waste of time
DAR: No, no. I guess now the new goal is to teach Pleck about balloons.
C-53: And the vacuum of space.
AJ: But it's my birthday. Is that what we're doing on my birthday? Teaching Papa about balloons?
PLECK: AJ, I have a very important exercise for you.
AJ: Okay
PLECK: Go into your room and come right back out. It's a space thing. Try it.
AJ: All right.
[AJ walks into his room]
[AJ walks back]
PLECK: Surprise! [Honk] Happy birthday, AJ!
DAR: Why would you do that and not tell us to yell surprise?
BARGIE: Pleck,you need to verbalize your inner thoughts.
PLECK: I thought it was obvious what we were all doing.
DAR: No, you sent him into his room. What were we supposed to think?
PLECK: The whole point was to surprise him at the same time.
C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from temporary emergency emissarial negotiations. Missions operations manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
NERMUT: Hey crew, just a regular day.
PLECK, DAR AND C-53: No, no.
NERMUT: But what's on this poster? A picture of what? AJ, it's the zooooo!
AJ: It's a mission now? It's work?
NERMUT: Well, yeah. I mean, now it's logged in the missionator, so I guess technically it's a mission.
AJ: Uuuuh!
C-53: We're not good at this. I think.
NERMUT: Okay, guys, I'm going to call right back.
C-53: We don't do a lot of celebrations. I think we're just ill-prepared is what i’ll say
NERMUT: Wait, when I call back, what should I say?
C-53: Don't call back. Just stay.
NERMUT: How do I fix it?
C-53: Stay on this call.
DAR: Yeah.
C-53: Okay, I actually have an idea. AJ, could you do a mind wipe since this morning?
NERMUT: Oh, good idea.
AJ: Yeah, happy to. Okay, hold on.
PLECK: We can do it on command?
AJ: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh... Hey guys, what's up?
EVERYONE: SURPRISE!
AJ: You guys remembered!
C-53: Of course we did! It's my birthday!
PLECK: Six years, buddy. That's big.
AJ: What are we going to do today?
NERMUT: We're going to the zoo!
BARGIE: The zoooooooooooo!
AJ: Yeah, all right! Let's lock and load! Zoo time, baby! Mission to zoo!
DAR: We should really do that more often.
[All at the same time]
PLECK: Yeah
C-53: Wow, that took the back pocket
BARGIE: Wow, that was—
[Transitional Music]
CENTURION: Hey everybody, this is Centurion Tiddle with another ep of The Centurion Collection, my super sweet vlog about all the cool stuff I collect and discover. Like this rad scale model of the Allwheat. Man, I love the Allwheat. Ooh, it's hot. Aah Ooh!
[Drops rad scale model of the Allwheat.]
CENTURION: Anyway, as you know, it's super boring here on this stupid ice planet where my mom Seesu Gundu built her base, which is why I'm so pumped to share this dope thing I discovered. It's called Roll, and it's a new online role-playing platform and community. Roll is the place where diverse voices gather to discover new worlds, meet lifelong friends, and adventure together. Until I heard about what Roll is building, I honestly didn't think role-playing was for me, okay? And certainly didn't know where to meet people who also--
[phone rings]
CENTURION: Oh, hey, cool. My beef relief, Justin, is joining me in the episode. 'Sup, Justin?
JUSTIN: Namaste!
CENTURION: Long-time viewers know my pal Justin Ballwheat, whose dad is half of the freaking Allwheat!
JUSTIN: What you might not know is that Centurion and I are secret star-crossed lovers.
CENTURION: That's right. Where once our fathers were locked in mortal battle, or whatever, out from the ashes of their hate rose our love.
JUSTIN: No one will ever understand us, unless they too had a high school fling of which their parents disapproved. Anyway, I rang you up because I got your message about Roll.
CENTURION: I know, right?
JUSTIN: I just joined the next wave of online narrative play by backing their Kickstarter. Now I'll get exclusive first access to both their online tools and six original role-playing games.
CENTURION: That's so rad, Justin. And so are you! I love you!
JUSTIN: No, you are!
CENTURION: I love you!
JUSTIN: Oh!
CENTURION: Visit playrole.com/zyxx to be among the first to join this community when it launches later this year.
JUSTIN: That's playrole, R-O-L-E, dot com, slash zyxx.
CENTURION: Justin, kiss me through the accursed waves of this hollow.
[Kiss,kiss]
JUSTIN: Oh, I love love!
[Transitional Music]
DAR: Ooh, Horsehat! Look who's here!
HORSEHAT: Dthaadaa!
[Horsehat runs up to Nermut. And jumps on him?]
NERMUT: Hey, oh, ok, Horsehat.
[Nermut falls over]
PLECK: Hey, Nermut!
NERMUT: That’s a far drop!
C-53: Nermut, glad you got the day off, to come along.
NERMUT: Yeah, guys, Temps get, uh, one vacation day annually, and this is it.
C-53 AND PLECK: Wait, you're still a Temp!
PLECK: Nermut.
NERMUT: Well, they had a meeting where they brought everyone in to talk about the Temp-to-Perm process, and--
AJ: Or lets see the zoo
[Gates open]
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Daniel Day Zoois Zoo, the greatest zoo in the Zyxx Quadrant.
AJ: Woah, yeah!
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: At this moment in time, pending. We're working on it.
PLECK: A lot of qualifications on this zoo.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Please enter your cars.
PLECK: Hey, listen, AJ, you know, it's your birthday. How would you like a snack, you know, a snack to get your--
C-53: Sure.
PLECK: It's your birthday. Get anything you want.
DAR: Pleck, are you afraid of cars?
PLECK: No, no, I'm just going to get--
DAR: It's just that you immediately offered to abandon us here as we were getting into the cars.
PLECK: I'm trying to make this a special day for AJ. I don't love cars. I prefer anything that levitates or uses thrust energy.
DAR: You're afraid of them! Wow!
PLECK: Wheels feel archaic to me. I don't know why we're using them.
C-53: Wheels feel archaic?
DAR: These open-top Jeeps are on a track. They're very safe.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Please enter the car.
PLECK: I'm just going to grab a snack for AJ, and I'll be right back. AJ, you want a Funkel cake?
NERMUT: Why are you walking backwards away from the Jeep?
AJ: I mean, sure, if there's like a paste flavor.
PLECK: You could make it a paste flavor by shoving it into your helmet.
AJ: Got it. Great. Yeah, Funkel cake, please.
C-53: Pleck ,the wheel is one of the classic simple machines-
PLECK: I know, but it just feels like we've moved on from it, and I don't feel like I like to go backwards.
C-53: Along with the lever.
PLECK: We haven't improved on the lever, C-53.
C-53: We have, actually.
PLECK: [Quickly] When we do, when we do, I'll be sure to leave it behind.
[Pleck runs off]
DAR: And then he just ran off.
NERMUT: Wow. He didn’t give the finger to that pulley?
C-53: Bizarre.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the experience of a lifetime.
AJ: This is awesome.
NERMUT: Ooh, what kind of horsepower do you think we're dealing with?
C-53: Ah Nermut, this is an automated tram.
NERMUT: Niccce.
[Transition]
PLECK: Hi there. Um, Yeah, could I get three Funkel cakes?
OLD DERF: Yes, you got it. We have three flavors. We have papier-mâché, paste, glue? Which one can I get for you?
PLECK: Wait you have a paste flavor?
OLD DERF: That is correct.
PLECK: Wait a second….. Derf?
OLD DERF: What, Oh hey, it's my old…. old guy. What are you--what is this? You come visit your old– Papa.
PLECK: What are you doing here? You work at a zoo now?
OLD DERF: I work at the zoo. But don't think I'm just doing Funkel cake stuff. I do all the jobs at the zoo.I make sure the dongle teeth are clean. Stick my head right in there, scrub the backs. I make sure the Libras are inseminated. Make sure they're making more. Make sure the space monkeys are pleasuring themselves to an adequate amount.
PLECK: Where have you been? I thought you died at that wedding.
OLD DERF: Yes, I was dead for a moment, but then I got right out of there, jucked around a bit, ended up at the zoo. A lot of times if you juck enough, you end up at a zoo. I found. It's sort of like the drain of society. And this is a great zoo. Daniel day Zoois. This zoo is always in character.
PLECK: Listen, Derf, I gotta talk to you. Things are going crazy. I need you to weigh in on some of this stuff happening in the galaxy right now.
OLD DERF: I would love to weigh in. Would you mind-- I also clean the worst diarrhea accidents out of the bathroom. Would you mind coming with me?
PLECK: I don't--
OLD DERF: A lot of children come here, and I don't know if they-- There's something about animals that literally scares the shit out of them. So come on. We're gonna go over here.
PLECK: You clean up shit, and you also work at the concession stand?
OLD DERF: I hate to tell you, but at a zoo-- A zoo is like a carnival, but with fewer rides. So everyone sort of does everything, and everyone has homemade tattoos, and they're jucking around when they're not working. So yeah, I'm gonna go--
PLECK: What does that have to do with anything?
OLD DERF: What does that have to do-- That's just a little backstory here. I'm your teacher, your mentor. Everything is a teachable moment.
PLECK: Leave the funkel cake alone for a second. We have things to discuss.
TOURIST: So are we not gonna be able to get any funkel cake?
OLD DERF: One second. You ordered three papier-mâchés, right?
TOURIST: That's right. And I still have yet to see a single cake.
OLD DERF: Hey, here's some news. Funkel cakes, it's just dough and sugar. So go to town. You're in charge. Take over.
TOURIST: You're asking me to make my own funkel cake at this stand?
OLD DERF: You're already holding one that you brought from some other place. Is that a home cake?
TOURIST: I got it in transit to the zoo. That's none of your business.
OLD DERF: Hey, Pleck, uh, Dicksplitter there, could you just--
PLECK: Surely you know my last name.
OLD DERF: No, I'm one of those people that only reads enough to get the context. And with the prophecy, I was like, "Plec de--"
PLECK: You've said my last name so many times.
OLD DERF: Is that-- Well, so, I say a lot of words and I forget their meanings.
PLECK: Really?
OLD DERF: Yeah.
PLECK: You should talk to somebody about that. That's not good. You're getting old, man.
OLD DERF: I started old.Old is in my name. What do you think? I'm not going to be at peak form.
PLECK: You used to be Young Derf. That's another thing you said that you've apparently forgot.
OLD DERF: Yes, but that's like a different chapter. Chapter one was when you were the chosen one and you saved the universe. Buckle up, baby. You got a whole other chapter coming.
TOURIST: Is there going to be another chapter until I get these funkel cakes?
[Scene change: back to Nermut, C-53, Dar, AJ]
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Now on your left is the majestic dongle, known for being compatible to other animals.
C-53: Yes, dongles are the only species that actually thrives in captivity. Oh, look.
(Nermut takes out a sheet of paper.)
NERMUT: It says here they seek out traps.
C-53: Yeah, they really prefer it.
DAR: Ooh
NERMUT: It can seem kind of like-
AJ: Donkle. Right? Are you sure?
C-53: I don't think that's quite the same, AJ.
AJ: Donkle, right? (Taps on glass)
C-53: No, that's a donkey.
DAR: No.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Moving along.
DAR: Oh, wow.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: We're moving along.
C-53: Oh, wow, that was under a minute
NERMUT: Bye, dongles.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: And now we have entered the libra exhibit, known for its vibrant red fur and saucy attitude.
DAR: Oh, fun fact about these. Libras are great listeners. So if you get really close up to the glass, you can just whisper all your secrets.
C-53: They just come right up to the glass to listen?
DAR: Oh, yeah. They're also distinguished gossips. So whatever you tell them, they will repeat to each other.
NERMUT: (Whispering) Do you want my demo tape?
C-53: Wow, they walked away.
DAR: Oh, no, no.
NERMUT: I thought you said
DAR: That's not a secret, Nermut. You asked a pathetic question.
AJ: I've got one for... (whispering) Donkey.
DAR: Okay, AJ, also not a secret.
NERMUT: But something you should keep to yourself.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Let's go. We're going now. Time to go. We're moving along.
AJ: Wow.
C-53: This is a brisk zoo.
AJ: I like it because I don't have to think too hard about it and I just keep moving. I like it.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: We're going fast. We're going fast now.
NERMUT: Ooh, a lot of horses under that hood, baby.
C-53: Still not going real fast.
NERMUT: It's fast when you're little.
C-53: Fair point.
[Transitional music]
PLECK: Derf, I gotta tell you, things have gone crazy since I saw you last.
OLD DERF: What do you mean? Like in a good way? Like a jucking around way?
PLECK: Derf, haven't you been paying attention? The Emperor's Planet Crusher Crusher imploded and now it's the Allwheat. Nobody knows what it is.
OLD DERF: You don't know what the Allwheat is?
PLECK: No.
OLD DERF: Did you see it up there?
PLECK: Yeah.
OLD DERF: It's a super dense collection of the stuff.
PLECK: The? ... what stuff?
OLD DERF: You don't know what the stuff is? The stuff is the other side of the coin when it comes to the Space.
PLECK: I thought the Wack was the other side of the... I thought the Space was the coin.
OLD DERF: No, the Space is sort of... the coins exist in three dimensions, just like stuff.
PLECK: Yeah, I'm... okay.
OLD DERF: Fresh is the opposite of the Wack, so of course the Space has an opposite, which of course is the stuff. Think about it. The Space is all the Space in between the stuff.
PLECK: What are you talking about?
OLD DERF: If the Space is the Space inside the pee hole, the stuff is the pee hole, the edge, the rim. The part where you put the sounding rod if you want to feel the pleasure...
PLECK: What? What is that? What are you talking about?
OLD DERF: That's sort of for a future lesson once you've really lived.
PLECK: Derf, you never mentioned the stuff until just now.
OLD DERF: Everything that's not the Space is the stuff. What's so hard about that?
PLECK: I thought the Space was sort of like a mystical energy that kind of flowed through everything.
OLD DERF: It is, and the stuff is the other stuff that it's flowing through.
PLECK: I thought everything was the Space.
OLD DERF: Everything is the Space, and then everything else is the stuff. What? What do I have to write this down? Aren't you... are you listening? I know it smells like rank AJ in here, but please, just pay... listen.
PLECK: Yeah, don't you... don't you have a break room or anything?
OLD DERF: Breathe through your mouth so you can remember what I'm telling you about the stuff.
PLECK: Derf, listen... you have to listen to me. The Allwheat is contacting me, psychically. It's talking to me. I can hear it in my head.
OLD DERF: Oh, that is... that is bad news, buddy. That means you have to go. You have to gather up. You have to finally understand the stuff, and then go to the Allwheat and face it.
PLECK: Face it?
OLD DERF: As long as the Allwheat doesn't have a bean in the Allwheat with him, it's fine. So you have a little bit of time. Just get a grasp of the stuff and then go.
PLECK: Wait, what? What did you just say?
OLD DERF: There's a... I don't know if you've encountered, there's a thing called a bean. And if the emperor…
PLECK: No, we’ve encountered it... Beano, the Beanochron.
OLD DERF: Yes. Good. Good. As long as you have that and the emperor doesn't combine with it...
PLECK: No, we don't have that. The emperor took Beano and fell into the planet crusher. That's what made the Allwheat.
OLD DERF: What? Well, surely Beano told you what he know. Did Beano tell you what he know?
PLECK: It was more of him affirming that he did know about the thing we were already talking about.
OLD DERF: What are you talking about? Stop being so confusing. Do you know or do you not know? That is the simple thing.
PLECK: Do I know or... I don't know anything.
OLD DERF: What is.. I feel like I left you and I was like, "That guy's got it. I can just die in this crowded ballroom and go back to my job cleaning up zoo diarrhoea." But now I feel like you haven't learned a single thing.
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: I'm sorry to interrupt, but my son really painted the walls in there.
OLD DERF: Oh, in that stall right next to this diarrhoea stall?
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: Yep. Yep.
OLD DERF: [Picking up a mop] Pleck, I'm going to need you to get a mastery of at least this stuff right now.
[Scene Change]
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Coming up next It's Filem Land.
NERMUT: What?
AJ: Guys, you guys, we're going into Filem Land.
DAR: (Slightly excited) Oooah.
NERMUT: Wait, what do you mean?
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Created a society full of Lirds.
AJ: Oooaah.
C-53: It's a little office park. And they have their own little cubicles and everything and just putting papers in inboxes and... Scampering around.
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Oh, hello.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: Hi there.
NERMUT: Wow, so this is really the brains behind the operation. This is awesome. So these are the zoo administrators.
AJ: Sort of weird that we're kind of on the other side of a pane of glass from them.
C-53: Yeah. Very weird.
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: That’s for our protection.
AJ: Huh.
NERMUT: I think a lot of officers are switching to that open architecture kind of thing where... And it's cool to see behind the scenes and how it works. Good work, team.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: I'm deep in a spreadsheet and I'm happy about it.
AJ: That's just like you.
NERMUT: Yeah, I know.
AJ: Wow.
NERMUT: That's crazy. That sounds like a great spreadsheet.
[AJ knocks on the glass.]
C-53: No AJ, Don’t, you really shouldn’t.
AJ: What?
NERMUT: This has been working.
DAR: It's weird how this thing's sped us through all the other exhibits, but this one we really have to live with.
C-53: We are really slowing down in this one.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: We'll not be taking any questions and answers at this time.
AJ: That's crazy. Look at all of them in their little ties and their little... That one's got a bow tie.
NERMUT: [laughter] Every office has one. You know what I'm saying?
C-53: Ooh, I don't like the idea that I could put a kroon in and get some feed to throw at them.
AJ: Oh, I do.
C-53: AJ, I wasn’t suggesting-
DAR: It is his birthday.
NERMUT: Wow, that's a really great system. So they have lunch delivery as part of the deal here. That's great.
AJ: Yeah, they never have to leave.
C-53: Nermut, I think you're maybe misunderstood here. This is a exhibit at the zoo. They're trapped here.
NERMUT: No, we just visited two exhibits. This is clearly the central brain HQ of the administrative section.
DAR: No, no, no, no, sweet, sweet Nermy, no.
AJ: That one's computer's not even plugged in. Ha ha.
NERMUT: One Lird's cage is another Lird's cubicle. Hey, friends, keep up the good work.
[ALARM SOUNDING]
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Alert. An escaped animal has been spotted in the Filem section.
AJ: Oh, I hope it's an apex predator.
NERMUT: Look alive. There's an escaped animal.
[A large claw comes down and picks up Nermut]
DAR: Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. Oh, the giant claw thinks that you've escaped from Filem land.
NERMUT: No, no, no. Okay, don't worry about me, guys. I'm just going to parachute in here and get some to show these Lirds how it's done.
C-53: What are you talking about, Nermut?
NERMUT: [On the other side of the glass] I've already come up with ways to make this more efficient.
[Scene Change]
OLD DERF: Pleck, the thing is, your job's not done yet.
PLECK: Yeah, fine, but what does that mean?
OLD DERF: No, I'm talking specifically about you haven't cleaned the diarrhea out of the stall.
PLECK: That's not my job. I don't work here.
OLD DERF: I know, but you're working, you're like under me. And you're always sort of my-- Like when an intern is going to another office, they still do the boss's stuff.
PLECK: That's not true. That's not true at all.
OLD DERF: I have another-- What? I have another message for you. Your job is also not done.
PLECK: Which-- Which-- Is it poop related?
OLD DERF: No. Well, technically, because poop is part of the stuff. Your job's not done because you've brought balance to the Space, but you haven't even touched the Stuff. And you need to bring balance to the Stuff. And once those two are balanced, that's a lot of balance.
PLECK: I know, but that's--
OLD DERF: Which is what we need.
PLECK: I’m… I'm so confused.
OLD DERF: It's not confusing at all. Again, I feel like I've said this to you many, many times. Do you need another analogy? I use the pee hole, which has been very in--
PLECK: You don't need to do the pee hole thing again.
OLD DERF: Okay, well, good. But that one is so useful for all the noobs I've had. They're like, "Is it the pee hole thing?" And I'm like, "That is correct, noob. That is correct."
[SCENE CHANGE]
AJ: We said this wasn't going to be about our work today, but now we're just watching Nermut do work?
DAR: No, of course-this isn't about Nermut doing work. C, try backing up into the glass again.
C-53: Okay. I can only go so fast in reverse. It's not as fast as my forward motion. It's just not safe.
NERMUT: I've been looking at these spreadsheets, and a lot of these numbers just look like filler. I'm not being able to track back where this goes to the actual budget input from the zoo.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: What do you mean?
NERMUT: So I'm a little worried.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: Oh, every number goes somewhere, right?
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Yeah, it all goes somewhere.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: See, look. I'm not pressing a button. It goes into the spreadsheet.
NERMUT: Oh, let me just--actually, I've noticed-- let me just trace back this internet cable. It is a--just yarn. Nope, that's yarn.
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Yeah, we've been waiting on IT for a while, but, you know, it'd take forever, so--
NERMUT: Oh, tell me about it. Yeah, right? I mean--and then when they show up, they're like, "User error." Come on!
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Yeah, turn it off, turn it on again. It's not on in the first place, man.
NERMUT: It's not on in the first place?
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Yeah, well, it hasn't been on for a while.
NERMUT: Huh. Well, I mean, a lot of room for improvement in this office, and I'm the lird for it.
MACROS LIRD: Well, we were born here in the zoo, so this is all we've ever known.
NERMUT: Oh.
TUESDAYS-HATING LIRD: I'm getting promoted tomorrow.
NERMUT: Oh, hey, congratulations! High five!
[Silent lird says nothing.]
SPREADSHEET LIRD: What do you do?
NERMUT: Oh, I manage a crew of Interstellar Ambassadors, emissaries working on behalf of Seesu Gundu, who's trying to reunite the galaxy. Oh, that's them right there through the glass.
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Out there?
TUESDAYS-HATING LIRD: TheY’re animals in the zoo?
NERMUT: I mean, one of them--that's obviously a droid, but they're touring the zoo looking at-- Oh, you all turned around.
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: This sounds made up.
MACROS LIRD: Yeah, you just told us you manage a crew of animals in a zoo.
NERMUT: No, they're outside. We're visiting the zoo. So AJ's a clone…
MACROS LIRD: So you're saying we're in the zoo? Get real, buddy.
OTHER LIRDS: Get real, buddy.
[C-53 backs up into the exhibit]
NERMUT: Whoa! Dar! Whoa! Guys.
MACROS LIRD: We're going to have to fill out a lot of paperwork.
NERMUT: So this is who I was telling you about. This is Dar, the captain of our crew.
DAR: I scaled C-53 so I could come into the enclosure and save you. And now we have to go before we ruin AJ's birthday.
NERMUT: No, I mean, I think the thing that's going to ruin AJ's birthday, if anything, is that, like, the processes in here are jucked up. Look at this spreadsheet.
MACROS LIRD: Well, those are custom macros that I've been working on for years.
NERMUT: No!
[Dar picks up Nermut and throws him up and into the truck.]
NERMUT: [While in the air] Congratulations on the promotion!
DAR: Do any of the rest of you want me to throw you out over the enclosure?
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: Into the zoo? No, thanks.
MACROS LIRD: I've got a promotion coming up next week.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: No, thank you.
[Dar jumps out of the Filem exhibit]
TUESDAYS-HATING LIRD: Tuesdays, am I right?
[Scene change]
[phone ringing]
OLD DERF: I just got word I've got to go put on a little show for some birthday boy.
PLECK: No, Derf, you can't do that. You have to help me destroy the Allwheat.
OLD DERF: Just come with me. I promise you I will definitely come with you. I will leave the zoo and not perish, and I will come help you do this Stuff. The Stuff. But right now I have to go entertain-- there's a 6-year-old who's like, "I want to go to the zoo and see all the prison animals for my birthday," and I have to go make it fun so he has a good memory.
PLECK: Okay, fine.
OLD DERF: Would you come with me? And would you mind applying this face makeup? You're going to be my clown noob for the next 45 minutes.
PLECK: No, I don't work here. I don't work here at the zoo.
OLD DERF: You work for me.
PLECK: I have a job, a different job.
OLD DERF: Describe your job. You haven't even put a new eye in your face. You're not doing anything.
PLECK: Well, first of all, I've kind of gotten used to it. I think the patch looks pretty cool, actually. And secondly, now I'm sort of like a liaison, I guess you might say, for Seesu Gundu's political campaign to--
OLD DERF: Oh, you're in politics? That's your big claim? You're going to put on clown makeup and put on a little show for a child. Come on, let's go do--
PLECK: I don't actually have a position on the ship. Dhar's the captain.
OLD DERF: How about your position as junior clown, and you can take that with you back to the ship. Now put on this wig. This is a fun wig. It's made from actual Libra hair. I made this wig. It's something I do on the side when I'm not elbow deep in alien diarrhea. Put this wig on. Here's a little bit of fun makeup. And you know what this makeup is? It's stuff.
PLECK: That seems like a stretch.
OLD DERF: Oh, you're telling me? You learned about this ten minutes ago. Don't tell me what it is. You need to move the stuff through the Space until it connects with your face, and then you have stuff on your face. And then you're halfway to being a junior clown. Now let's go entertain this child.
PLECK: You don't have to say the junior every time.
OLD DERF: I'm so sorry. There's a hierarchy in the clown world. You want me to tell you about the clown world? I was a clown for 17 years. I went from young derf to old derf as a clown. And then I got into a Space religion and a Stuff religion. Now come on with me, junior clown, and eventually someday you'll fill the larger shoes-- You just say clown.
PLECK: We're all just clowns.
OLD DERF: Oh, I--you--okay, show me some clown stuff. If this is senior clown stuff, then you'll be senior clown. Do a little trick. Show me a trick.
PLECK: A trick?
OLD DERF: A clown trick.
PLECK: Okay.
[Pleck backflips]
OLD DERF: Back flip. Oh, okay. Back flip, pretty good. You really took a feather out of my cap on that one. Okay.
PLECK: Well, you haven't done yours yet. I'll do it. I'll do it when I'm already ready.
[Scene Change]
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: And now we're entering the birthday zone. Everyone, please leave the vehicle. Leave the vehicle. Please leave the vehicle. Please leave the vehicle.
C-53: Geez, We're not in the vehicle anymore.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Please leave the vehicle. Someone left something in the vehicle. Please remove it from the vehicle.
AJ: Oh, that's my gun, sorry.
ZOO TOUR ANNOUNCER: Thank you. Goodbye.
NERMUT: Felt good to work a little on my day off, you know?
C-53: [Sighs] Nermut. Well, AJ, I hope you're excited for this Buddy.
AJ What?
C-53: We got you something, you know, a little special here at the end of the zoo.
AJ: Is this the party room that Bargie told me about?
NERMUT: No, Bargieee.
DAR: All right. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.
C-53: Yeah, it's the party room.
AJ: Oh, awesome. Great.
C-53: Well, you know, we got cake for everybody, Oh and I guess we got this.
ANIMATRONIC DANIEL DAY ZOOIS: Hello, and welcome to my zoo that I founded.
AJ: Oh, it's Daniel Day Zoois, but as an animatronic. I love it.
C-53: You do? You love this?
AJ: Look at him. Look at him go.
C-53: Yeah, this is a little insulting to droids.
AJ: Just like you.
C-53: No, not like me.
ANIMATRONIC DANIEL DAY ZOOIS: -since that founding day. And the best day of the start of the zoo was perhaps the ground breaking. When we dug that first hole, we clipped the ribbon and we said the zoo has begun.
AJ: Don't you think it's just a little bit like you, Mr. Robot Man?
C-53: AJ, it wounds me deeper every time you suggest that.
ANIMATRONIC DANIEL DAY ZOOIS: Henceforth and thereafter, the zoo was here. You're standing in the zoo that I founded on its inception.
[Scene change]
PLECK: This wig is itchy.
OLD DERF: Yes, it is itchy. It's made from animal hair. And there's some skin in there, too, because it's hard to get just hair. You know what I'm talking about?
PLECK: What?
OLD DERF: Here's the thing. You know when you get clown makeup on and you just want to juck somebody?
PLECK: No. Derf, listen.
OLD DERF: How do you feel? Are you aroused right now?
PLECK: What? No.
OLD DERF: Okay, different strokes for different clowns.
PLECK: Derf, listen. None of this is important. We have to get back. Maybe we go back to Zima Prime. Maybe we can find some, I don't know.
OLD DERF: Pleck, Pleck, first off, insulting to say, none of my life is important.
PLECK: You work as a combination shit janitor and funkel cake-.
OLD DERF: It's called a zookeeper, It's called a zookeeper, is the term. And secondarily--
PLECK: I don't think you are-- I got to say, Durf, I don't think you're the zookeeper.
OLD DERF: Oh, does this zoo look kept to you? This zoo is kept, and I'm the keeper. PLECK: Derf--
OLD DERF: Now, this is serious. You're right. Because if the emperor has merged with the Beanochron, the Allwheat is gaining in power, and you have only one mission. You need to enter the Allwheat.
PLECK: What do you mean enter the Allwheat? It's like a wormhole's asshole.
OLD DERF: Yeah, it's like the coolest door in the universe. You ever walk through a cool door?
PLECK: Derf, I saw the Allwheat destroy a planet. I can't go inside it.
OLD DERF: Pleck, this is all I can tell you. It is your time to face the Allwheat. You must enter it, and sure it'll take some of your skin off and maybe your bones. But you have to confront it. You have to go through the portal of the Allwheat, face it with the mastery of the Stuff, find balance for the Stuff in the same way that you found balance to the Space.
PLECK: I don't know how to do that, Derf. I don't know how.
OLD DERF: Well, one thing you can practice right now is being a junior clown. Let's go entertain this kid.
[Pleck groans]
C-53: Pleck?
PLECK: Oh, oh, hey guys. Yeah, I should have--
OLD DERF: Hey, look at this! Who's the kid? Who's the birthday boy?
DAR: Derf?
AJ: It’s my birthday.
OLD DERF: Hey, Hey,! Hey, oh, look, it's your crew. There's the robot one. Wow, he looks like shit. Oh, look, you have two Dars now. Hey, congrats. Double it up. Oh, and look at this Dars wearing cool new clothes.
NERMUT: I'm here too, Derf.
OLD DERF: Oh, that reminds me. I didn't read the Lirds, their quarterly earnings reports. Boy, that's going to juck things up real quick.
NERMUT: Oh, that explains it. The quarterly earnings reports, if that had been in there, the spreadsheet would have made so much more sense.
OLD DERF: So you keep this animal in your ship? This guy?
PLECK: This is Nermut. This is Nermut Bundeloy.
NERMUT: I manage them.
OLD DERF: Oh, Nermut Bundaloy, he's Avatar of the Whack, I believe.
NERMUT: No, Derf, the other--
PLECK: We covered this--
[AJ clears throat]
OLD DERF: Oh, yes, and that's-- let's work our way around to you, the birthday one. AJ: Grandpapa Derf, yeah, awesome! You're here for my birthday!
OLD DERF: Yes, I especially came here for your little birthday.
AJ: I'm six today, and I've really had a great time at the zoo.
OLD DERF: Excellent, well, why don't you pull on the little end of this scarf? Because I think there's a surprise.
AJ: Well, this is just a small scarf. It can't be--
OLD DERF: Pull on it.
AJ: Wait, there's more, too?
OLD DERF: Yes, it's Stuff. It's Stuff, and the more Stuff you pull--
AJ: Are you seeing this? The scarf keeps going!
OLD DERF: This is-- pay attention.
AJ: C, do you see this? How is this possible?
OLD DERF: This is a good trick.
C-53: It's longer than you expect the scarf to be.
DAR: Yeah, and it-- It keeps coming! The scarf just keeps coming right out of Pleck's mouth.
[Pleck gagging]
DAR: It just keeps coming and coming and coming.
AJ: Papa.
OLD DERF: Look, it's different colors, too. You should have seen me stuff it into him. It took so long.
AJ: Yay! What else, what else?
[Pleck coughs]
OLD DERF: Okay, what about this?
[Old Derf backflips]
OLD DERF: Backflip?
PLECK: Hey, nice backflip, Durf.
AJ: Woah!
OLD DERF: Thank you, that is my finale.
NERMUT: You're finally?
C-53: You just started. It’s already the finale?
OLD DERF: Well, I put the-- it took a long time to put this makeup on.
C-53: All right,
PLECK: Aright, AJ, blow out your candles.
OLD DERF: Hold on, let me light them all up. Ooh, look at that.
AJ: All right, here we go.
[Small blow of air]
PLECK: Wow, very efficient.
NERMUT: You've got some compressed air.
[Banging on glass]
LIRDS: Hey, hey, let us in.
OLD DERF: What's all this?
NERMUT: Oh, normal size-- I hear normal size fists at the door.
MACROS LIRD: There he is.
OLD DERF: Hey, hey, it's all the Lirds. What are you guys- How'd you get out of your office?
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: When you didn't give us the quarterly earnings reports on time, we realized no one would turn those in late unless they were meaningless. And then we slowly started to realize that this whole thing is an exhibit at some sort of sick zoo.
DAR: You mean when we told you that this was an exhibit at some sick zoo, you didn't--
SPREADSHEET LIRD: No, we came into it ourselves. Also, our computers are not plugged into anything.
DAR: Right, yeah, we pointed that out.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: We thought that was normal.
MACROS LIRD: And it turns out there's not even an IT department at this zoo.
TUESDAYS-HATING LIRD: It's not even Tuesday.
WAITING-FOR-I.T. LIRD: And you are responsible for this. You've been keeping us captive like some sort of dumb animals.
OLD DERF: I've been zookeeping you captive because that's my job.
SPREADSHEET LIRD: And where is his promotion? He's been waiting for years!
NERMUT: The promotion wasn't real? [GASPING]
LIRDS: Get him!!
[Lirds jump onto Derf and start scratching him]
OLD DERF: What? Oh, so many tiny scratches.
PLECK: Wow.
NERMUT: Whoa, the dongles!
TUESDAYS-HATING LIRD: Get him, dongles!
NERMUT: Oh, that bald libra!
OLD DERF: All of the zoo animals have come home to roost. And this is very-- they're scratching me and so very inviting me. And Pleck, I feel horrible that I'm probably dying right now. They're really getting into my veins. Real quick, Pleck, here. Like I said this before, but I meant it. Master this Stuff. It's easy. And on my way out, here, grab one end of my intestine and just pull on it.
AJ: Oh, look, it's changing colors!
OLD DERF: Keep pulling it. It keeps going.
AJ: It's going!
C-53: That shouldn't be that long.
PLECK: I appreciate your advice, but you've got to forgive me at this point if I don't really buy it.
OLD DERF: What do you have to buy? You're just yanking on my intestine. Listen, Pleck, these are my last words.
NERMUT: Last words, everyone.
OLD DERF: Hey, everybody, shh, shh, shh. Old Derf is about to say his last words by these animals being thrown apart.
C-53: You could probably talk over him.
NERMUT: Before you say them, I notice the space monkeys aren't here. What do you think they're doing?
OLD DERF: Oh, if they're doing what I think they're doing, they are pleasuring themselves like you wouldn't believe.
NERMUT: Okay, your last words.
OLD DERF: That was it.
NERMUT: How did I guess?
PLECK: What, no!
[Scene Change]
C-53: Wow, Bargie. Really-
PLECK: Yeah, it looks amazing in here, Bargie.
BARGIE: I felt bad for getting rid of all the balloons, so while you were all away doing whatever it is you do, I made Bargie party ready again for AJ. Happy birthday, AJ. Welcome to Bargie's party.
AJ: Wow.
PLECK: Wow, cool.
AJ: This is like an adult party.
BARGIE: We got some cocktails, I have some dances. We got lines of dust.
C-53: AJ is six…
DAR: Bargie, today is actually AJ's sixth birthday.
BARGIE: Yeah, we're all wink, wink six years old. Anyway, there's some old screens.
PLECK: I don't know why we'd lie about being six years old.
AJ: Bargie, thank you, but you know, I had a really great birthday already.
DAR: You did?
AJ: I did. Thank you, guys.
PLECK: That's great, AJ.
AJ: I don't think anything could top it.
C-53: AJ, I have an incoming transmission from Seesu Gundu.
AJ: Wait, what? Twist.
[Screen opening noises]
SEESU GUNDU: Hi, crew. Hi.
PLECK: Hi, Seesu.
SEESU GUNDU: Hello. I'm here with a special birthday greeting for AJ2884.
AJ: Oh my Rodd. Seesu.
[AJ takes off helmet]
SEESU GUNDU: AJ.
AJ: I have lovey feelings in my tummy for you.
SEESU GUNDU: I am so happy to have you as part of my crew.
AJ: Yummy, yummy, yummy. I've got love in my tummy, Seesu.
C-53: AJ, I should have a mentioned this is a recorded message for you.
PLECK: Yeah, that explains it. It's pre-recorded.
AJ: Are you sure? Because–
SEESU GUNDU: And I hope you get everything that you wish for.
AJ: I want to kiss you again. That's the thing I want--
SEESU GUNDU: That will definitely happen.
PLECK: AJ, I'm sorry. I think it's a recording.
AJ: I don't know. I feel like she's still answering me somehow.
SEESU GUNDU: Especially if your wish is to unify the galaxy.
AJ: Close.
DAR: Eeh.
C-53: Not so off base.
SEESU GUNDU: Thank you, AJ-2884.
AJ: Thank you, Seesu.
SEESU GUNDU: And remember, the sky is the limit.
[Pleck starts to walk off]
[door opens]
[door closes]
OLD DERF: Nermut.
PLECK: What?
OLD DERF: Nermut.
PLECK: Derf, it's Pleck. You got Pleck.
OLD DERF: I was just trying to get a hold of Nermut. I want to apologize about the whole “Nermut Bundaloy’s the Avatar of the Wack”. It's sort of a mix-up.
PLECK: I-- Alright, do you have a message for me?
OLD DERF: Oh, yes. Did you fly into the Allwheat yet?
PLECK: No, I just got back on the ship.
OLD DERF: Oh, you don't know where the gas pedal is?
PLECK: Bargie is sentient. I can't drive the ship.
OLD DERF: Oh, okay. Cool. That makes it easy to do stuff. Just try a little bit harder, like. And just ask Nermut if we're cool.
PLECK: Fine.
OLD DERF: Before I go, there's an ancient saying carved into the stone of the greatest temple on Zima Prime. It says, "A rolling stone gathers no moss, but leaves a trail of busted stuff."
PLECK: That sounds dumb.
OLD DERF: Oh, it sounds dumb? We carved--someone carved it into stone.
PLECK: They–so?
OLD DERF: They don't--you know how much--
PLECK: Maybe that person was an idiot.
OLD DERF: You criticize everything. What have you ever made? Have you ever carved anything in anything?
PLECK: I--is stone, you mean?
OLD DERF: Yeah, or a bottle. I don't know. Start small.
PLECK: I gotta go.
OLD DERF: Don't hang up on me. I hang up on you.
PLECK: I'm hanging up this ghost call right now.
OLD DERF: It's a Stuff call, and shut up. I hung up first. Bye.
THE ALLWHEAT: Wow. Hung up on by a dead ghost. Tough stuff.
PLECK: A dead ghost? Aren’t all ghosts dead?
THE ALLWHEAT: Never question the Allwheat!
C-RED IT5: This is C-red IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.
Pleck Decksetter and The Lird Who's Waiting for IT were played by Alden Ford.
C53 and The Lird Who Makes Macros were played by Jeremy Bent.
AJ and The Lird Who Hates Tuesdays were played by Winston Noel.
Bargie the Ship, the Zoo Tour Announcer, and The Lird Who's Deep in a Spreadsheet were played by Moujan Zolfaghari.
Animatronic Daniel Day Zoois and The Lird Who Manages a Crew of Zoo Animals were played by Seth Lind.
Captain Dar and The Lird Who Didn't Say Anything were played by Allie Kokesh.
Old Derf was played by special guest Justin Tyler. Justin is a supervising field producer for Desus & Mero on Showtime. You can check out his long-running podcast, Comic Book Club, a live geek culture talk show, and follow him on Twitter @JTSizzle.
This episode was edited by Alden Ford, sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.
Recorded at eight different secret locations.
Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra, with additional performance by the Chime Street Brass Quintet.
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.
Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz.
Audio hosting by Simplecast.
Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
[Promo: My Brother, My Brother, and Me]
JUSTIN: We’re the hosts of My Brother, My Brother, and Me, and now, nearly 10 years into our podcast, the secret can be revealed. All the clues are in place, and the world’s greatest treasure hunt can now begin.
GRIFFIN: Embedded in each episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me is a micro-clue that will lead you to 14 precious gemstones, all around this big, beautiful, blue world of ours.
TRAVIS: So start combing through the episodes, uh, let’s say, starting at episode 101 on.
GRIFFIN: Yeah, the early episodes are pretty problematic, so there’s no clues in those episodes.
TRAVIS: No. No, not at all.
GRIFFIN: The better ones, the good ones? Clues ahoy.
JUSTIN: Listen to every episode repeatedly, in sequence. Laugh if you must, but mainly get all the great clues. My Brother, My Brother, and Me. It’s an advice show, kind of, but a treasure hunt, mainly. Anywhere you find podcasts or treasure maps: My Brother, My Brother and Me. The hunt is on!
[Promo: Heat Rocks]
HOST: Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the west coast, Oliver Wang and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller.
CALLER: Hey! Uh, I’m looking for a music podcast that’s insightful and thoughtful, but like, also helps me discover artists and albums that I’ve never heard of.
MORGAN: Yeah, man, sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks. Every week, myself (and I’m Morgan Rhodes) and my cohost here, Oliver Wang, talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives.
OLIVER: Guests like Moby, Open Mike Eagle, talking about albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more.
CALLER: Yooo. What’s that show called again?
MORGAN: Heat Rocks. Deep dives into hot records.
HOST: Every Thursday on Maximum Fun.
MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: I'm sorry to interrupt, but my son really painted the walls in there.
OLD DERF: Oh, in that stall right next to this diarrhea stall?
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: Yep, and I also read your pitch for the animated series and I'm interested.
OLD DERF: Excellent. Let me ask you, sir, thank you for reading the handwritten pitch next to the poster.
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: No problem. Oh, right next to the birds.
OLD DERF: Yes, that's sort of a packet. What do you think, do you work in Space television?
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: No, but if I get into it, this is going to be one of my first projects.
OLD DERF: Great. Now, get back to the part where you said your son painted the walls in the stall.
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: Oh, look behind this wall.
ZOO TOURIST CHILD: I really did a number in there.
ZOO TOURIST PARENT: Yep. -
OLD DERF: That's good. -
ZOO TOURIST CHILD: A number two.