413: Torto Troopers Assemble! [ft. Glo Tavarez]

The crew is dispatched to pick up Seesu Gundu’s new running mate, where they meet a hero in distress. Nermut is all aflutter. Dar and C-53 have a mutual crush. Pleck makes coffee.

• Episode Transcript

  [orchestral main theme music begins]

  NARRATOR: It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat… which looks like a couple thousand comets having a fist fight. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This… is Mission to Zyxx.

  [theme music comes to a climax, then ends]

  PLECK: Hey, C-53?

  C-53: Yes.

  PLECK: I have a question for you, sort of a hypothetical, uh, question, uh—

  C-53: Fire away.

  PLECK: It's about the Allwheat. Um…

  C-53: Okay.

  PLECK: What do you think would happen, theoretically, if, uh… pfft, I don't know, like a Tellurian… went into the Allwheat?

  C-53: You're suggesting you would go inside the Allwheat?

  PLECK: Yeah, well, not me specifically, necessarily, but just, what would happen if I—if a Tellurian did go in.

  C-53: Okay, now you just said "I."

  PLECK: Yeah. But—I'm—okay. In this hypothetical situation, let's say...

  C-53: Yeah, let's say.

  PLECK: Let's say I went through, or into, the Allwheat. What do you think would happen?

  C-53: Well, Pleck, we don't know a whole lot about the Allwheat because no one's ever come out of it. The suggestion would be that it's a black hole, but, you know, infected somehow. Um… and that would mean you would be crushed to death in an instant.

  PLECK: [quietly] Ah. Uh-huh.

  C-53: But I believe your perception of it would be infinitely long.

  PLECK: Oh… okay.

  C-53: Also, you'd be on fire while that happened.

  PLECK: [chuckles] Yeah. Okay.

  C-53: If readings of the Allwheat are to be believed.

  PLECK: Hm. [trying to play it casual] Okay.

  [Pleck starts to walk away]

  C-53: Don't go into the Allwheat.

  PLECK: What?

  C-53: That's a bad idea.

  PLECK: Yeah, I'm not—I wasn't...

  DAR: [incredulous] Are you asking C if you can go into the Allwheat?

  PLECK: I'm not asking if I can—

  [losing horn sound effect from The Price Is Right, but with the notes of the Zyxx theme]

  BARGIE: I just got a dumb question alert. Dumb question alert.

  PLECK: That doesn't... that can't be a real alarm, Bargie—

  AJ: [opening a door, walking out] What’d I do? What’d I—no, it wasn’t—

  BARGIE: No, it's not you, AJ. It's not you this time.

  AJ: Oh, okay, okay. Alright.

  DAR: No, Pleck is asking if he can go inside the Allwheat.

  PLECK: I'm not—

  [dumb question alert sound plays again]

  BARGIE: Yep, there it is. Dumb question alert.

  AJ: What?

  PLECK: Listen, I'm not asking permission. I'm just...

  AJ: That's like, worse than when I was like, "What's the white part of bread?"

  PLECK: It's the—that's the whole... that's the bread.

  C-53: That’s the bread.

  AJ: Right. I learned it by asking the question.

  DAR: There is the crust. He had a point.

  AJ: Yeah.

  BARGIE: Also, honestly, not all bread is white, so… think about it.

  PLECK: That’s true.

  BARGIE: Check your privilege.

  AJ: Wait, what?

  [Pleck quietly wheeze-laughs for a couple seconds]

  PLECK: I gotta go.

  DAR: Pleck, where are you going? Are you trying to go into the Allwheat right now?

  PLECK: [stuttering, voice suddenly much higher] I'm not... I—I'm not... I'm not going... into the Allwheat.

  DAR: No, no, no. When your voice reaches that octave, we all know that you're fibbing.

  PLECK: [squeaking like a defunct teapot] I'm not—I wou—I would nev—I’m not—

  AJ: Wait, so there's more than just white bread?

  [dumb question alert sound]

  BARGIE: [disdainful] Wow. Wow!

  [incoming transmission sound]

  C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.

  [transmission connects]

  NERMUT: Hey, team.

  PLECK: Hey, Nermut!

  DAR: Hello, Nermut.

  NERMUT: Hello-o. Just, everyone here is aflutter.

  PLECK: Uh...

  AJ: What?

  BARGIE: What?

  AJ: Why?

  NERMUT: Fluttering and flittering around…

  PLECK: How do you figure?

  DAR: Did you turn the gravity off?

  NERMUT: Uh, there was a gravity issue. That's separate. Um… but, uh, I think it's solved—

  PLECK: Why... Nermut, why is everyone aflutter?

  NERMUT: We’re aflutter because—

  PLECK: Also, is there—there's gotta be a more professional name for what you're referring to. You're at work right now.

  NERMUT: No, no, we're all aflutter because Seesu Gundu has found a running mate!

  PLECK/AJ/C-53: Oh!/What?/Ohhh!

  [Nermut starts singing a celebratory little tune and doing a skittery dance]

  AJ: Wait, what?

  NERMUT: [stops dancing] Seesu Gundu was at a disadvantage because Ted Ronka has announced the running mate of Kitty, the reformed enforcer droid.

  C-53/AJ/DAR: Ohhh./Oh./Ahhh!

  PLECK: What? Kitty?

  NERMUT: Yes! Good choice, right?

  C-53: She's really making a name for herself.

  DAR: Yeah.

  NERMUT: Yeah! And IQQ is running with Vulm Sunblighter.

  PLECK: Oh, boy.

  C-53: Well, strategically, it makes a lot of sense.

  NERMUT: Yeah. Yeah, old monarchy, also very horny.

  DAR/C-53: Phew. Yeah./Mm-hmm. Yeah.

  NERMUT: And Seesu Gundu has found a running mate! Yesss!

  AJ: [not fine] That's fine. That's fine. What’s…

  NERMUT: No, AJ, a running mate is completely a business relationship.

  AJ: They like, run and juck, I get it.

  PLECK/C-53: Uhhh… no, no, AJ, a running mate is like—/No, AJ, that’s very different.

  AJ: No, I mean—it's in the name.

  PLECK: It’s not—

  NERMUT: You’re—oh, you run and you mate.

  PLECK: Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of mating. Seesu's finding someone to partner with, uh, in her quest to reunite the galaxy.

  AJ: Right. Cool. No, I get it.

  PLECK: No, AJ, it's definitely not—

  NERMUT: No, AJ—

  AJ: It's fiiine. It's fine. [AJ goes back into his room and shuts the door, where he can be heard faintly sobbing and throwing stuff around in the background]

  NERMUT: But, you know, Reg… Reg McClorsk really just ticks all the boxes.

  BARGIE: What?

  DAR: Reg McClorsk?

  PLECK: Wait, who's Reg McClorsk?

  NERMUT: Reg McClorsk is Seesu's running mate. You gotta learn that name, it's gonna be everywhere, on the yard signs…

  BARGIE: Seesu and Reg. Reg and Seesu. It just sounds perfect, you know?

  PLECK: I—what about Gundu and McClorsk, Bargie, does that work?

  BARGIE: Ugh. Blech. Blechhh.

  PLECK: No? Yeah, it's hard.

  C-53: Gundu and McClorsk sounds like a law firm.

  AJ: [re-emerging from his room, calmer] Yeah.

  PLECK: That's true.

  DAR: Ooh!

  NERMUT: But that's what the galaxy needs, the rule of law! Benevolent law, order, throughout the whole galaxy… Gundu and McClorsk. So, um, and—and everyone—

  SEESU: [shouting on Nermut’s end of the call] Nermut?

  NERMUT: Oh, sorry, is—

  SEESU: Nermut?

  NERMUT: Oh, speak of the angel, Seesu Gundu is here.

  SEESU: I just wanted to make sure, uh, that I look… presentable.

  AJ: [yelling] You look amazing!

  SEESU: So from a—from a one to ten, would you say I look perfect?

  NERMUT: Yeah, on a scale of one to ten, you're perfect.

  SEESU: Okay, great. Oh, I'm so nervous. I'm all aflutter.

  NERMUT: [laughs] I know! I got the official memo that that's the word we use.

  PLECK: Oh, wow. It really is. Okay.

  DAR: Okay.

  C-53: Hmm, yeah.

  SEESU: Now, as you know, he is the perfect running mate.

  NERMUT: [whispering] I know.

  SEESU: He has all the qualifications. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him. In fact, [Seesu laughs] I am kind of jealous, if I wasn't incredibly sexually attracted to him. [rambling as everyone starts talking over her] But I’m not gonna go there, because I’m all about being professional.

  PLECK: Whoa!

  NERMUT: Whoa, okay.

  AJ: [sarcastically] Whoa, I'm so aflutter about that. That's so good.

  PLECK: Alright, AJ, relax.

  [AJ racks his rifle]

  SEESU: [still in the background] I’m all about being professional. Nothing will ever happen.

  DAR: AJ, you can put the gun away. You can't shoot McClorsk. He's not here.

  SEESU: But that's what makes two perfect running mates. They wanna juck, but they just don't.

  NERMUT: Oh, totally. When you go to that voting booth, you just want to be like, "Will they? Won't they?"

  SEESU: Exactly!

  NERMUT: Yeah, totally.

  [Seesu laughs]

  NERMUT: And when I was checking all the boxes, there were check marks past the boxes.

  SEESU: [crosstalk] Oh, so many boxes. Yeah!

  NERMUT: There were no boxes to check, and he had extra checks.

  AJ: That doesn't sound good. You don't want to have too many checks. Right, robot? [AJ pats C-53] Who's with me?

  C-53: I might be with you if you stopped calling me just "robot."

  AJ: Sorry, I was really in the moment.

  PLECK: You really even simplified it even more, AJ.

  C-53: Yeah, it’s like…

  NERMUT: Well, Seesu, do—do you want to give the—

  SEESU: No, I'm done. Alright, have fun! [Seesu leaves, door shuts]

  NERMUT: Okay! Okay, crew—

  C-53: Nermut, what's the mission?

  PLECK: Yeah, Nermut, what are we doing?

  NERMUT: [crosstalk] The mission? “What’s the mission!?”

  DAR: Yeah, you just made us sit through—

  PLECK: Were you just calling us to—

  DAR: You just made us sit through a McClorsk lovefest.

  AJ: Yeah…

  PLECK: Yeah, exactly. Did you just call us to like, get us involved in this "will they or won't they" situation?

  AJ: I think it's "won't they!"

  NERMUT: Who knows? Well, yes, to answer your question, Pleck, you are involved, because your mission is to pick up Reg McClorsk, bring him back to HQ.

  AJ: [unenthused] Fantastic… [gently thumps fist on the table]

  NERMUT: So yeah.

  PLECK: He doesn't have his own ship?

  NERMUT: No, um, it’s, uh… he—

  DAR: He doesn't check that box?

  NERMUT: That was the—literally the one box that wasn't checked.

  [Pleck laughs]

  [transition music]

  [sound of crew walking through a crowd]

  AJ: So where is this great guy? Where is he? Y’know? Where is he?

  C-53: AJ—

  AJ: Why isn’t he here?

  DAR: AJ, cool it. He's obviously speaking to this crowd.

  PLECK: Yeah, AJ, I hate to tell you this, but all this cheering? That's for—

  AJ: Me?

  PLECK: —Reg McClorsk.

  AJ: Okay.

  DAR: He's at the front of this rally right now.

  AJ: There he is, there he is.

  MCCLORSK: [over a microphone] You, the voters, have made this possible for me. There's no "I" in “campai”—no, there is. Well, uh, but—you know what I mean? That's why I got into this crazy game called politics. For you people! [crowd starts cheering] For you, and you. And also you behind the guy in the purple, and then you wearing purple! [McClorsk continues speaking in the background]

  PLECK: This might—this might be a while. Captain Dar, he's just—he’s a perfect mix of, like, folksy, but also like, fired up, you know?

  DAR: Totally.

  PLECK: Just has someth—there's something about him, I just—I really just trust this guy.

  DAR: There’s a quality… yeah, yeah!

  C-53: Seems… like, you know, one of the good ones.

  DAR: I wish we could just snatch him now, though. I don't really need to hear him thank every single sentient in the crowd.

  AJ/C-53: Right./Yes.

  PLECK: That’s part of it. That's part of it, Captain. Y’know, he’s gotta—he's gotta connect with everybody.

  MCCLORSK: And my first grade teacher, Denzia Melinta. Wow! I'm doing this for you. And—

  DENZIA: McClorsk!

  MCCLORSK: Whoa, you're here? Wow!

  PLECK: Wow, that's nice she showed up.

  MCCLORSK: While I have you all here… [McClorsk laughs] Am I right? I've got a pretty sizable announcement. I'm joining the campaign of Seesu Gundu. [crowd cheers] And I haven't ruled out… possibly marrying her.

  [cheering, someone in the crowd whistles]

  [McClorsk continues speaking in the background]

  C-53: Wooow.

  PLECK: Wo-ho-how.

  AJ: Whoa.

  C-53: That's a surprise.

  AJ: What—a monster! A monster!

  C-53: AJ, come on, don’t…

  DAR: We know how you feel about him, AJ.

  AJ: No—

  PLECK: AJ, you need to relax.

  AJ: No, it’s—there's a monster. That's a monster!

  DAR/C-53: AJ…/AJ, he’s not that bad a guy, come on.

  PLECK: AJ, what tactic are you using right now?

  AJ: No, I mean, there's a monster. On stage.

  DAR: Oh—

  C-53: Hey. Let’s show a little respect.

  DAR: Oh, wait, no.

  [growling, snarling from the stage]

  MCCLORSK: What the juckin’ heck is this next to me, it’s like a monster!

  PLECK: Oh, the—

  C-53: Oh, that is a monster.

  [crashing, growling from the stage]

  PLECK: Wow, look at that enormous...

  C-53: That is… very gross.

  PLECK: Jucking—

  C-53: Oh, and he’s—he’s picking up Reg!

  MCCLORSK: Put me down!

  [monster growls]

  AJ: Whoa. It’s like a kidnapping.

  MCCLORSK: Put me down! [continues protesting]

  PLECK: I think we should—I think we have to intervene, guys.

  DAR: Uh…

  [sound of a several people flipping in, swooshing, yelling]

  C-53: We should—wait! Oh, look at all these acrobatic youth in primarily colored outfits coming in. They seem like they know what to do.

  [crash, rock music kicks in]

  YELLOW TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble! [swishes a weapon]

  BLUE TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble! [twirls a weapon]

  FIFTH TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble! [pulls out a weapon with a “shwing!”]

  GRAY TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble!

  ORANGE TROOPER: Tort-o’clock! Waaah-hah!

  [the Torto Troopers start flipping around, beating up the monster, yelling things like “Kick! Wah! Punch! Hi-yah!”]

  [music cuts out as we go back to the crew]

  AJ: Look at those heroes over there! YEAHHH! Flip kick! Lovin’ it!

  PLECK: Whoaaa!

  C-53: Whoa! Okay.

  AJ: I am lovin’ this, look at that!

  [rock guitars come back in]

  ORANGE TROOPER: We're gonna take you down, monster! Hi-yah! [punch sound]

  YELLOW TROOPER: You’re goin’ down! [more punches]

  BLUE TROOPER: Watch out, monster! [swooshing, fighting]

  [Torto Troopers continue fighting, yelling over sick rock music]

  [back to crew, music cuts out, crowd panicking, fighting sounds in distance]

  C-53: So this planet seems to have a… have a plan for this sort of monster.

  AJ: Look, they're all like...

  C-53: They are… really well coordinated.

  AJ: I mean, some kinda—it’s tactical footwork, Papa, look at that stuff.

  C-53: Yeah, they definitely have a game plan.

  [brief pause, distant panicking and fighting]

  PLECK: McClorsk is kinda getting thrown around like a ragdoll right now.

  MCCLORSK: I check all the boxes. Whoaaaaa!

  [McClorsk is snatched away, Pleck yells sympathetically]

  MCCLORSK: Nooooooo!

  C-53: No, the monster—oh, he took Reg!

  [the Torto Troopers run past, panting]

  BLUE TROOPER: Blue Trooper, go!

  YELLOW TROOPER: Assault!

  C-53: Oh, but those teens are taking off after him. I guess—I guess they’ll get him back.

  AJ: Except the one—there's one with us right now.

  C-53: Oh.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Everyone, go! Go into a safe place! We got this from here!

  [sick drums, “shwing” sound]

  ORANGE TROOPER: Sha-shing!

  AJ/C-53: Whoa!

  PLECK: Whoa, look at that salute!

  [the Orange Trooper flips away, runs off panting]

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh no! [running back] Where's my team?

  C-53: Oh, they just kind of left her here.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh, no.

  AJ: They're—they're gone.

  PLECK/C-53: Uh…/Oh.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh…

  AJ: Hey, what's up?

  ORANGE TROOPER: I thought we were going to… tell everyone to get safe, but I guess they wanted… [Orange Trooper sighs] to fight the monster instead.

  C-53: Oh. Yeah, sorry…

  PLECK: No, that's a good thought.

  AJ/DAR: Oh… yeah./Yeah!

  DAR: Can you help us? We're supposed to take Reg McClorsk back.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh—

  PLECK: Yeah, what—what was that thing that took McClorsk?

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh, they come all the time. They're these, uh, monsters, this, like, evil witch sends them down, and we fight them, and then they get bigger later, and then—[removing her helmet] Honestly, I've been off my game today. I, um… can I ask you guys a question real quick? And, um—

  C-53: Yeah, I—I might have one for you after this, though.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Okay, I just—can you guys check—[turning around] um, am I leaking? Can you guys look at my butt? Am I leaking now?

  PLECK: What?

  C-53: Oh. Uh…

  DAR: Uh…

  PLECK: Are you—are you leaking out of your butt?

  DAR: Did the monster… get you in the butt?

  ORANGE TROOPER: Is there, like, blood? From the sides? Do you guys see blood?

  DAR: Oh my—are—are you bleeding? Wait—um…

  C-53/AJ: Oh… um—/Wait, when did—

  PLECK: Oh, are you alright?

  ORANGE TROOPER: Yeah, I just got my first period, and it's gotten me all crazy—

  C-53/PLECK: Oh…/Oh.

  ORANGE TROOPER: —and I just don't know how I'm gonna do this and have a period. [getting increasingly more upset] So if you see any green on my… hot orange suit. It's—uh, can you just, like, let me know, ‘cause it’d be—[sniffs] super embarrassing…

  [the crew quickly starts reassuring her all at once]

  C-53: Oh, it’s—it’s—

  AJ: Oh, no, it’s okay!

  DAR: It’s okay! Hey, hey, it’s okay.

  PLECK: It’s alright! No, don’t—don’t cry.

  AJ: It looks good.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Yeah.

  AJ: The green looks good on the orange.

  ORANGE TROOPER: [panicking] Wh—is it—is there green on the orange? Is there green on the orange right now?

  AJ: Uh…

  C-53/AJ: Uh… there—no./Yeah, it’s not—not enough.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Not much?

  PLECK: Not enough to notice.

  DAR: Maybe—maybe—maybe just like, um… like, if you took, like, a little beaker full of blue liquid and poured it onto a white pad, maybe like that—that amount.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh, oh no. Oh, no. I've embarrassed myself! [sniffs]

  AJ: It's actually a lot.

  ORANGE TROOPER: It's actually a lot?

  PLECK: Hey, you didn't embarrass yourself. You just—you just beat the shit out of an enormous monster who stole your leader!

  AJ: Yeah, you kicked ASS.

  ORANGE TROOPER: I know—

  PLECK: That was pretty cool!

  ORANGE TROOPER: Thank you.

  DAR: Yeah, while you were on your period!

  ORANGE TROOPER: You guys—

  AJ/PLECK: Yeah.

  ORANGE TROOPER: You guys don't think I'm weak?

  AJ: What?

  C-53: No! No, no, no, no.

  AJ: Are you kidding me?

  PLECK: You literally saved everyone!

  ORANGE TROOPER: I know…

  DAR: What is your name?

  PLECK: Yeah.

  ORANGE TROOPER: Oh, I'm Tymberleigh. What are your names?

  AJ: I'm AJ.

  PLECK: Yeah, I'm Pleck.

  C-53: C-53.

  DAR: And I'm Dar.

  C-53: Tymberleigh, can we actually circle back real quick to what you were saying about the monster, and how they always “get bigger later?” What does that mean?

  DAR: Oh, yeah.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh, they just—it's just part of—like, I don't think about it too much ‘cause it's just gonna happen. So… it gets bigger later, and—and I just need help finding my group, and also, I guess, that freak-o guy who doesn't do much, just talks to everyone all day—um…

  DAR: Wait, who?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Got kidnapped. Reg, or whatever?

  AJ: Reg?

  C-53: Reg McClorsk?

  PLECK: Oh, Tymberleigh, we were actually here to see Prime Minister McClorsk.

  TYMBERLEIGH: O-oh…

  DAR: Wait, but how did you describe McClorsk?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Ugh, he's the worst. [exasperated sound of disgust]

  AJ: Yeah, totally. Absolutely.

  TYMBERLEIGH: He—[another disgusted noise]

  AJ: [disgusted noise] Right. With you.

  TYMBERLEIGH: He's the worst. It's like, all the older, uh, Dardians really, really like him. And I think it's just because he's very charming, but he doesn't do much, and he holds these rallies every day, and not much is getting done, but whatever.

  DAR: He holds rallies every day?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Every. Day.

  AJ: Whoa.

  DAR: Wow.

  C-53: Well, no wonder he was so easy to kidnap.

  PLECK: Yeah, well it seems like if he's holding rallies, but you're the ones actually fighting the monsters—I mean, it seems like you guys should be in charge, right?

  AJ: Yeah. Hey, what's your team name? It sounds cool. Like, what's your team's name? ‘Cause we don't have a name. We're just like, the crew. But what's your team name? ‘Cause I'm kinda thinking maybe we need a name.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh, we're the—

  PLECK: You guys have a team name?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, of course. We're the… Torto Troopers.

  AJ: The Torto Troopers?

  C-53: Hmm. That is cool.

  AJ: That name jucking ROCKS.

  TYMBERLEIGH: [laughing] Yeah.

  PLECK: Torto Troopers, that's cool.

  DAR: Torto Troopers...

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, we form a torto. Uh, we go into a shell, and then one person's the head…

  C-53: Very cool.

  DAR: [gasps] Ooh, which part are you? Which part are you?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Uh… [awkward pause] I'm the tail.

  PLECK: Oh.

  C-53: Oh. Well, that's an important part of the tortoise, yeah?

  PLECK: Yeah, that helps—that helps steer underwater.

  DAR: Yeah!

  AJ: Balance. Yeah.

  DAR: Balance is very important, yes.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah…

  [buzzing, ringtone singing “Torto Troopers Assemble!” over a tinny speaker]

  DAR: Ooh! Your—

  C-53/AJ: Yeah, your wrist is flashing./Your communicator…

  PLECK: Your wrist is beeping.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh... [answers the communicator]

  YELLOW TROOPER: Tymberleigh, it's Starmawnth! We're still waiting at the Coffee Shack for you to bring us our coffees!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh… Oh, you want me to bring it? Okay...

  YELLOW TROOPER: Okay, bye! [hangs up]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Uh, that's Starmawnth. Bye! [laughs nervously]

  DAR: I think Starmawnth hung up on you before you could say goodbye. [pats Tymberleigh on the back]

  PLECK: Wait, they're—they’re at the Coffee Shack? They're not—

  AJ: Yeah, your team…

  PLECK: They're not fighting the monsters anymore?

  C-53: Is the caffeine for a combat purpose to enhance reaction time in some way?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  C-53: Okay.

  TYMBERLEIGH: If you guys want to go to Coffee Shack with me, I have to go get their orders for them. ‘Cause I'm the tail, and I have to, like, make sure everyone’s—

  C-53: Tymberleigh, maybe this is a stupid thing to point out, but they said they were already at the Coffee Shack?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  C-53: But they want you to come and get the coffee for them there.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah…

  C-53: That seems…

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, I don't think you're being respected by the members of the Torto Troopers.

  AJ: No… it's a lot like how we treat Pleck.

  PLECK: [affably] Yeah!

  AJ: Because, like, right now he wants to go to a giant flaming ball of, like, negative energy. And—

  PLECK: [mumbling] That's not really relevant to this conversation.

  AJ: But it's sort of like, one of those things where all of us are like, “wait, what?”

  TYMBERLEIGH: The Wheat Hole? What is it, the Wheat Hole?

  C-53: It’s the Allwheat.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh. Sorry, I messed up. [upset again] I'm doing so bad in class!

  AJ: No, no, it’s fine!

  DAR/C-53: Oh, no!/No, no no!

  TYMBERLEIGH: I'm just—I'm bad in school, and I'm just, like, so frustrated and overwhelmed, and I have to go get them coffee...

  [transition, Torto Troopers guitar riff!]

  [bell dings]

  BARISTA: I have a half caff for BeElzi?

  CUSTOMER: Yeah. I just want half of it.

  [bell dings again, crew enters]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Let me go order.

  DAR: Hey, Tymberleigh? Tymberleigh, wait. Don't order.

  AJ: This is the captain. This’s the captain of our crew.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay.

  DAR: Maybe you could tell—you could tell by my amazing costume.

  AJ: Yeah.

  DAR: Tymberleigh, look.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  DAR: You shouldn't be treated this way, even if you are the butt of the torto. Listen, I think we need to confront your friends, the Torto Troopers.

  TYMBERLEIGH: I don't think you guys should get involved. Um, but I appreciate… the…

  DAR: Oh, I'm so sorry, Tymberleigh, it's too late. AJ is already talking to them.

  TYMBERLEIGH: No, I just don’t—I j—

  AJ: Yeah, what’s the whole deal? What is the deal?

  BLUE TROOPER: What are you talking about, bro?

  AJ: No, what are you talking about, bro?

  BLUE TROOPER: What's your deal, bro?

  AJ: What's your deal?

  BLUE TROOPER: [swooshing weapons] My deal is I'm the Blue Trooper, bro.

  AJ: Well, I think it's jucked up that you're making Tymberleigh get your coffee.

  YELLOW TROOPER: Whoa, that's some pretty spicy language for the Torto Troopers!

  AJ: Shut up, Nerd Trooper! I'm not talking to you.

  YELLOW TROOPER: Hey, I'm the Yellow Torto Trooper! Back off, buddy!

  GRAY TROOPER: [rasping] I'm the Gray Torto Trooper. [coughing]

  PLECK: Uh, is that—is the Gray Torto Trooper also an adolescent?

  TYMBERLEIGH: In spirit. In spirit. He is for sure way older…

  AJ/C-53: Yeah./Yeah, he seems pretty old.

  TYMBERLEIGH: …than all of us, but it’s very—he’s one of the Torto Troopers.

  FIFTH TROOPER: You also pissed off the… Fifth Trooper. I'm colorblind. What color's my suit?

  BLUE TROOPER: For the last time, it's green, bro!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Okay.

  BLUE TROOPER: You're the Green Trooper.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Guys, here, here's some iced—

  BLUE TROOPER: What is it, Tymberleigh? What is it?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Iced coffee, iced coffee. Here, here you go. I got some iced coffee for you guys.

  BLUE TROOPER: Oh, he-hey! Thank you, Tymberleigh.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Here's Yellow…

  YELLOW TROOPER: Oh, thank you—

  DAR: SLAP! [the coffee spills]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Hey, what are you doing? I just—

  DAR: I am knocking those coffees outta your dang hands!

  YELLOW TROOPER: Whoa, Tymberleigh, what's that giant monster you're hanging out with?

  [Torto Troopers rock theme kicks in]

  YELLOW TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble!

  BLUE TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble!

  GRAY TROOPER: [rasping] Torto Troopers assemble.

  FIFTH TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble!

  [flipping, punching]

  DAR: Ow! Owww!

  [music cuts out, just the sound of Dar getting beat up in the coffee shop]

  AJ: Hey, that’s our captain!

  DAR: Ow! What the jucking hell!

  [cool rock theme kicks back in!]

  YELLOW TROOPER: This monster's against coffee!

  BLUE TROOPER: My mom said I could drink it! I'm old enough!

  YELLOW TROOPER: This monster's trying to get rid of all the coffee in the town! Torto Troopers, assemble!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Hi-yah! Hah!

  [music cuts out again]

  AJ: I mean, this is annoying, but I'm loving the footwork, I have to say.

  [music kicks back in!]

  [punching, flipping, kicking, Gray Trooper coughing]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Guys, guys, guys! It's okay!

  GRAY TROOPER: [rasping] I’m a teen, I’m a teen…

  [music sadly winds down, punching and flipping stop]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Guys, we gotta chill out. This is our—our little bit of a—of a short rest that we're doing right now before we fight the big monster. So let's not keep fighting—

  BLUE TROOPER: Tymberleigh's right.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah!

  BLUE TROOPER: We gotta conserve our energy!

  GRAY TROOPER: Yeah, we need to rest our nimble young bodies!

  YELLOW TROOPER: That's right, Gray Trooper! We've got to be ready for that monster to come back bigger than before!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Red Trooper agrees!

  BLUE TROOPER: You're green, bro. You're the Green Trooper.

  FIFTH TROOPER: Okay.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Guys, I'm so proud of you. I love being on this team, and, um… is there a change of clothes? Do you guys have an extra, uh, suit I can wear? ‘Cause I—I've leaked all over this one.

  [awkward pause]

  YELLOW TROOPER: Oh, Tymberleigh, whoa! TMI!

  BLUE TROOPER: Aw, Tymberleigh! Not cool, Tymberleigh!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Two of us can’t be the same color suit anyway!

  GRAY TROOPER: And when someone gets their green, that’s a sign that they're aging, and there's no oldies here!

  TYMBERLEIGH: What? I'm young! I'm so young. I—look, I didn't know what the Wheat Hole was earlier.

  AJ: That’s the…

  BLUE TROOPER: You talkin’ about the Allwheat?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  BLUE TROOPER: You gotta—listen, Tymberleigh, it's important to help save the planet from monsters. But if you're not keeping up with your schoolwork, all is lost!

  GRAY TROOPER: Yeah, education is so important, everybody!

  YELLOW TROOPER: You know it is!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Tymberleigh, try to carve out two hours after dinner just for studies!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Hey, guys, I just feel like ever since I… I got my green goo, I just became…

  FIFTH TROOPER: Bleh…

  TYMBERLEIGH: …someone that can't win.

  YELLOW TROOPER: Tymberleigh, I don't think it's your green goo that's got you down. It must be this monster that's depressing you!

  BLUE TROOPER: Oh, of course!

  GRAY TROOPER/FIFTH TROOPER: Yeah!

  [sick guitar, Torto Troopers theme]

  YELLOW TROOPER: Torto Troopers assemble!

  [sounds of flipping and punching Dar resume]

  DAR: What the hell!? You guys are the reason she's depressed!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Sounds like something a monster would say!

  [music cuts out, background fighting sounds]

  AJ: Whoa. I mean, every time I see it, it's awesome.

  PLECK: Whoa, Dar is really holding their own against those Torto Troopers.

  [music crashes back in]

  BLUE TROOPER: Listen, monster! As Torto Troopers, we know that every monster we fight embodies some sort of personal drama that one of the Torto Troopers is dealing with! So if Tymberleigh has a problem with you, we've got a problem with you too! Torto Troopers assemble!

  DAR: Guys, no! Bop—[crashing sound, trooper groans]

  [music starts sadly winding down]

  DAR: [knocking out each trooper with a crash and a groan] Bop—bop—bop.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh no! Everyone's been knocked out! What's going to happen if the monster gets bigger?

  DAR: “Oh, no, everyone's been knocked out?”

  PLECK: Dar—Dar, what did you—

  DAR: Come on, Tymberleigh. These Torto Troopers are the worst.

  PLECK: Dar, you—you hit each of those troopers like once, and they went down.

  C-53: Yeah, Dar, these are teenagers, you just knocked out a child.

  PLECK: [crosstalk] I mean, they're children. They are children.

  DAR: Yeah, I was being very gentle, if you ask me. They all went to sleep.

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, are they gonna be okay?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, their, uh, gems need to recharge. I can't fight the monster by myself! I'm just a tail…

  C-53: Hey…

  AJ: Hey, Tymberleigh, let me tell you something right now. Sometimes the tail, or as I like to call it, the butt, [extracting his butt gun] can be the most powerful thing of all. Take this gun, for example. [charging up butt gun]

  TYMBERLEIGH: What? No, no!

  PLECK: [laughing] Yeah, those—AJ—

  COFFEE SHOP PATRON: [screaming in background] He has a gun!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Grab! Gun! Flip! [crash, AJ grunts]

  C-53: Wow!

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, you just—you just threw AJ across the Coffee Shack!

  C-53: And you’re holding his blaster! That’s amazing!

  AJ: [walking back over] That was awesome. Tymberleigh, you're incredibly powerful. Here's the thing about that gun. That gun… was up my butt.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Gross. [drops the gun]

  C-53: Yeah, that’s… pretty gross.

  DAR: Yeah, I bet—it's okay to drop it on the floor. Yeah, that makes sense.

  AJ: Yeah, just drop it.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Gross. Okay. I’m just gonna…

  AJ: But the thing is, it's come from my tail… technically.

  TYMBERLEIGH: It’s… it's come from your tail?

  AJ: So my tail is incredibly powerful, just like your tail is powerful.

  TYMBERLEIGH: I don't think this analogy works.

  C-53: [laughing] Did you mean to say it came from your tail?

  PLECK: AJ, I get what you're going for, and it's almost really good, but…

  AJ: It’s a bunch of tails! Who’s with me?

  PLECK: Yeah, no…

  TYMBERLEIGH: I don't understand… this analogy, really.

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, I think what AJ is trying to s—

  MANAGER: [ringing a bell] Here at the Coffee Shack, we have… not too many rules, but really, kinda like… faulty pep talks are a big no-no.

  DAR: I’m sorry—

  C-53: And the gun was okay? That was fine?

  PLECK: The gun was not—

  MANAGER: Not on the list!

  DAR: And knocking out these teenagers was totally fine.

  MANAGER: Oh, absolutely.

  C-53/PLECK: Well./Fair enough.

  MANAGER: So if you could take your pep talks outside...

  DAR: Sure.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay. Guys, let's go outside.

  AJ: Fine.

  C-53: Yeah, yeah.

  MANAGER: Thanks, come again.

  [bell dings, crew and Tymberleigh exit the shop]

  AJ: Uh-oh. You guys were always saying that the monster comes back bigger, right?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah. And—

  AJ: Like now?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh, no! Yeah!

  AJ: Like that? Yeah?

  TYMBERLEIGH: The monster, it's bigger!

  [distant growling, stomping]

  C-53: Oh. Boy, when you said bigger, that is—that’s a lot larger.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh no—

  DAR: Okay, see, that's a monster, right?

  AJ: Right. That is def—yeah.

  DAR: Can I get an agreement here?

  C-53: Yeah.

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, hold on a second. Why wasn't it just bigger at the beginning?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Well, because—

  AJ: Yeah. They should’ve just made a bigger monster, and you just could’ve squished him, y’know?

  PLECK: Yeah. What's the point of there being, like, a normal-sized monster first?

  TYMBERLEIGH: I don't know!

  [distant loud crash, crowd screaming]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh, no! Let's go, let's assemble! The torto—

  PLECK: Yeah, Tymberleigh, can we back up for a second? What is this torto that you keep talking about?

  TYMBERLEIGH: We—we form into a big torto, here. [Tymberleigh runs over to it]

  C-53: Oh, it's this—

  AJ/PLECK/DAR: Oh./Oh, wow. Oh.

  C-53: It’s this giant robot that sorta looks like a big turtle.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, exactly. A torto.

  C-53: Okay.

  DAR: Oh, there’s little—little compartments for each of us.

  C-53: Oh, yeah, I can see little cockpits up there. Okay.

  AJ: Okay.

  DAR: That's pretty nifty.

  C-53: This is making a lot more sense.

  AJ: So we just get in these little elevators and go up into the giant mechanical torto and fight? Is that—

  PLECK: Sorry, Tymberleigh, I just need to back up for a second. They send a small monster first, but they know you have the big robot torto…

  TYMBERLEIGH: I’m—I can't explain this to you. I don’t—if you don't get it, you don't get it. And I don't know… I don't know what else to tell you. I am sorry…

  AJ: Yeah, Papa, if you don’t get it, you don't get it.

  TYMBERLEIGH: You just don't get it. You sound like an older one.

  DAR: Pleck, uh…

  PLECK: Okay.

  C-53: Ouch.

  DAR: That giant monster is now crushing a couple of skyscrapers. It looks like—

  PLECK: Okay, yeah. We should go. We should get going.

  DAR: Let's argue about this later and just, uh—

  PLECK: Okay.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay, so everyone gets into their respective cockpit. You! You look like a head. You can be the head. [Tymberleigh thumps the head]

  C-53: Uh, Tymberleigh, this might be a radical suggestion, but maybe you should be the head.

  TYMBERLEIGH: …Me? The head?

  C-53: Yeah. I mean, we don’t—we've never driven a torto at all.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay. I'll control the head and the legs because you guys say so, but… we'll see if it works out.

  C-53: Oh, I see. The head and the legs is the same position.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  C-53: Okay.

  TYMBERLEIGH: And then you be the—the right arm. [patting the arm]

  C-53: Okay.

  TYMBERLEIGH: You be the left arm.

  DAR: Sure.

  TYMBERLEIGH: And you be the jaw.

  AJ: Alright! Jaw, let's do this!

  PLECK: Okay. Wha—uh, and what should I be? I don't have a job yet.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Uh…

  DAR: Oh, uh…

  C-53: I mean, someone still needs to operate the tail, right, Tymberleigh?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh, yeah, the tail, the most important part!

  AJ: Oh, right! Yeah, we kept saying it was the most important, but it definitely is!

  C-53: Yeah yeah yeah.

  DAR: Yes! The most important part.

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, even—literally, you got reassigned from the tail like thirty seconds ago, and you already forgot about it.

  TYMBERLEIGH: It's crazy. It's—it’s, uh, it’s lonely being on top. Let's go!

  [transition rock music]

  TYMBERLEIGH: [inside the torto, over the comms] And then you go, “left arm, tort-o’clock! Waaah-HAH!”

  DAR: Sure!

  C-53: Whoa.

  TYMBERLEIGH: You don’t have to do that, I usually do that sound effect—

  DAR: No, I like that. So—yeah, yeah, uh—

  [Torto Troopers theme music kicks in]

  DAR: Left arm, tort-o’clock! Woo-haaah! [cool swooshing noises]

  C-53: Right arm, tort-o’clock! Haaaaa-ah! [more cool swooshing noises]

  AJ: Super snappin’ torto jaw! Tort-o’clock! Hah! Lock and load! [gun charging up]

  PLECK: Uh… torto tail! Tort-o’clock! Woo! [small swoosh sound]

  TYMBERLEIGH: And I, head, legs, aaand brain! Tort-o’clock, activate! Hoi-yaoww!

  [music cuts out, transition to Pleck sitting in the tail]

  PLECK: That was definitely the blue guy, right? Earlier? He's—he’s usually up there?

  [C-53, Tymberleigh agreeing over the comms]

  PLECK: Alright, guys, if you guys are ever feelin’ off balance, just let me know, and I'll tail it up down here. [Pleck jiggles a lever or something]

  TYMBERLEIGH/AJ: Thanks./Yeah…

  AJ: Tymberleigh, lead us—

  [transition to Tymberleigh in the head]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Hey, real quick, uh, there's a coffee machine in the tail, so if you wanna just, um, like—

  PLECK: [over comms] Oh!

  TYMBERLEIGH: —make coffee for us, and then there's like a little chute that you can just send it directly to our—

  PLECK: I see. Pneumatic tube, sure. Okay! You got it.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, those tubes. So… yeah!

  PLECK: Okay!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay, cool. Alright. Let's go!

  PLECK: But also balance, if there's any balance issues, just let me know, or—

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, yeah yeah, that's the most important part.

  C-53: [crosstalk, over comms] Yeah, we’ll definitely let you know about that.

  TYMBERLEIGH: But also coffee, keep it running, please, thank you.

  PLECK: Okay.

  [monster growls outside the torto]

  PLECK: Oh, look at that thing. Terrifying.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay... [Tymberleigh turns on comms to the outside]

  MONSTER: You have come to defeat me? [silly growling that sounds sorta like “blehdledlehbleh”] You will not win! [more silly growling]

  TYMBERLEIGH: [over loudspeaker] Stand down, monster! We're coming to get you!

  MONSTER: The only true way is evil, and I will fight for it! [silly growling]

  C-53: Tymberleigh, I'm gonna sock him one with this right arm.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yes! Sock!

  [C-53 makes sounds of effort]

  TYMBERLEIGH: And I'm gonna kick the monster.

  [mechanical torto sounds]

  AJ: Whoa, you kicked it.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Kick!

  MONSTER: Ow!

  AJ: Nice! I'm snapping the jaw, but I know it's up to you whether you wanna—you wanna use the jaw.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay, I'll move my head closer to the monster.

  [mechanical torto noises, monster yelling indistinctly outside]

  TYMBERLEIGH: You want to snap the jaw?

  AJ: Yeah!

  MONSTER: Ow!

  C-53: Punch. Punch.

  MONSTER: Ow! Oh, that hurts!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Kick! Kick!

  MONSTER: I don’t like this! This sucks!

  C-53: Is this is generally how it goes, or—

  TYMBERLEIGH: [excited] Yeah, yeah.

  AJ: We’re beating the shit outta this thing.

  [Tymberleigh laughs]

  [transition to Dar in the left arm]

  DAR: [over everyone making fighting noises on the comms] I know we're thundering around in a very big robot suit right now, but, uh… if we could show a little caution, McClorsk is skittering around at the feet of that monster, so y’know, just—just watch out.

  AJ: Alright, yeah, we got it.

  PLECK: Man, poor McClorsk.

  [transition to Tymberleigh]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Whoa, I'm losing balance! Tail, what are you doing!?

  [transition to Pleck]

  PLECK: I'm making coffee! I thought I was still doing that!

  AJ: [over comms] Papa!

  C-53: [over comms] We’re in a fight, Pleck!

  PLECK: I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Making five different co—you guys all sent your orders, they're all totally different.

  C-53: Forget the coffee!

  AJ: I like it frothy!

  PLECK: Okay!

  [transition to outside the torto]

  MONSTER: Okay, monster time!

  [mechanical sounds, monster is hit]

  MONSTER: Oof! Ahh! Wait a second!

  TYMBERLEIGH: [over loudspeaker] Kick!

  MONSTER: Wait, you're blocking all my moves!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Slap!

  MONSTER: Oh! I can't seem to hit you!

  [monster is hit again]

  MONSTER: [staggering] Oh, no! I am losing… my… confideeeeence!

  [transition to Tymberleigh]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Guys, now is the time! Let's finish him!

  AJ: We—we've been kicking the shit out of him for like, ten minutes, like… now is it? Okay, okay—

  C-53: Dar, should we try to like, crush its head or something? I don't really know if we’re allowed to—

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah—

  DAR: Yeah, C, if you want to come in from your side, and I'll just—

  C-53: And I’ll come in and—

  AJ: Are you cool with them crushing the head, and me like, jawing it or something?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Absolutely, let's do it!

  PLECK: How did—how is—where's the tail involved in this whole situation?

  C-53: Pleck, leave it!

  TYMBERLEIGH: More coffee!

  PLECK: Okay—alright.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Keep the coffee coming!

  PLECK: Okay, back to coffee, got it. Yep, okay. [sound of coffee grinder]

  MONSTER: I don't feel good about myself at all!

  AJ: Oh!

  C-53: Oh, wow.

  [monster growling, melting, making nasty wet sounds]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh, there’s—

  C-53: Yikes.

  PLECK: What’s happening up there? I can't see anything from the tail.

  AJ: Oh, man.

  [transition to AJ]

  AJ: Papa, we just used the fist of the torto to, like, smash the monster's head, and then I used the jaw, and I just sort of like—

  PLECK: Okay. Yeah.

  AJ: Eating the head and the brain.

  PLECK: Alright.

  [monster makes another “blehblehbleh” sound, explodes]

  AJ: Oh, it exploded! Yeahhh!

  DAR/C-53: Yeahhh!

  TYMBERLEIGH: They all explode.

  AJ/C-53: Wow.

  PLECK: So the real… the monster was a lack of confidence?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  [transition to Tymberleigh]

  TYMBERLEIGH: I guess that's what I learned. I'm a better fighter when I believe in myself.

  PLECK: But—but the monster lost confidence, and then we crushed its head. What's the metaphor for them?

  TYMBERLEIGH: If you don't get it, you don't get it. I don't know what to tell you.

  [C-53, AJ, Dar all snicker]

  PLECK: Okay, all right.

  [drums, crash, transition music sings “Torto Troopers assemble!”]

  [outside the torto, crew walking around]

  DAR: Oh, look at that. McClorsk manages not to get stomped on.

  PLECK: Hey!

  C-53: While Tymberleigh parks the torto, why don’t we go down and talk to him?

  DAR: Yes.

  PLECK: It's weird that she can drive it on her own, right? She doesn't need—

  C-53: Well, but she can park it on her own. That’s very different.

  PLECK: Oh, well. I guess you don't need all that much balance to park.

  MCCLORSK: Ohhh, golly. Thank Rodd, you must be the crew here to take me to—

  PLECK: Hello!

  MCCLORSK: Seesu…

  PLECK: Hello, Prime Minister McClorsk. It is a pleasure. Wow.

  DAR: Yes, we are here… for you.

  MCCLORSK: Oh, jeez.

  PLECK: Wow. Wow, that was pretty intense.

  C-53: Yeah, sheesh.

  MCCLORSK: That was wild, right?

  PLECK: Yeah. Does that happen a lot?

  MCCLORSK: Oh, all the time, these group of teenagers are trying to k—kill my monsters and stuff here. So… uh—

  PLECK: Wait, what?

  C-53: Oh, uh, wait a minute… uh, say that again?

  MCCLORSK: Yeah, these—these group of—they're like, five teenagers with personal problems, and they form into a big turtle. Uhhh, it makes sense. Um…

  PLECK: Does it?

  C-53: Wait, wait, wait—

  PLECK: Prime Minister—

  MCCLORSK: If you could just knock ‘em out, drag ‘em, chop ‘em up…

  C-53: Sorry, Reg, did you say your monsters?

  MCCLORSK: Yeah, you—you've gotta have monsters to stage big kidnappings. You keep the populace scared, it's great.

  DAR: You said chop up the teens?

  MCCLORSK: Yeah, did you see that turtle just take out this giant monster I conjured? Those are the ones I need you to just… clobber.

  C-53: Conjured…

  PLECK: Um, could you just hold on, just one second, Prime Minister?

  MCCLORSK: Sure, no problem. I’ll just… you got a coffee?

  PLECK: Uh… I do, actually. [Pleck starts pouring coffee]

  MCCLORSK: Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you.

  PLECK: Yeah! Here you go.

  [McClorsk slurps the coffee down]

  PLECK: Guys, um…

  C-53: Wow, downed it in one sip.

  [McClorsk slurps a little more]

  PLECK: It's… loud.

  DAR: It's a good cover.

  PLECK: Hey, guys, I'm not sure McClorsk is really Seesu's type.

  C-53: I don’t feel good about this.

  AJ: No, that's what I've been saying.

  C-53: No.

  DAR: No…

  PLECK: No, you were right this time, AJ.

  [McClorsk takes another excessively long slurp]

  C-53: How is there anything left in that cup?

  [snickering]

  C-53: So we gotta take this guy out, right? Oh, Tymberleigh's back. Hey, Tymberleigh.

  AJ: Tymberleigh!

  TYMBERLEIGH: [flipping in] Hey, guys.

  AJ: What's up?

  MCCLORSK: [casually] Oh, yeah, that's—that’s the one. Just, uh, if you could just bop her...

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh—

  PLECK: Oh. Yeah, Reg, I don't think we're gonna do that. Listen—

  MCCLORSK: Whaaat?

  PLECK: I think this partnership between you and Seesu is not gonna work out.

  C-53: Yeah. Reg, I think you're the villain because you're doing all the monster conjuring, not the crime-fighting teenagers.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  MCCLORSK: …Huh. Well, in that case, I'm also… [voice getting deeper] g-g-g-G-G-G-GROWING!

  CREW: Whoa!

  [McClorsk turns into a monster, loud crash]

  PLECK: What is happening right now?

  AJ: Reg is… bigger now.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, he's even bigger than the other monster.

  C-53: He's like, twice as big as that mon—wow.

  [McClorsk stomps, crowd screaming]

  AJ: Tweest.

  MCCLORSK: M-M-M-M-MEGACLORSK!

  PLECK: [snickering, under his breath] “Megaclorsk”…

  C-53: I'd love to know how everything's getting so big on this planet.

  MCCLORSK: If you don't get it, you don't get it!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Nooooo!

  AJ: Wait—

  MCCLORSK: You don't stand a chance against M-m-Megaclorsk! [roaring, stomping]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Oh! Guys, let's go right around the corner of this other Coffee Shack in this part of town.

  PLECK: Uhhh… right now?

  C-53: I mean, I guess we can.

  PLECK: What is it? What—

  TYMBERLEIGH: Let's go around the corner, I'll show you guys.

  [they go around the corner]

  TYMBERLEIGH: A megatorto!

  C-53: And you also keep all your robots just sort of around the corner?

  AJ: Right…

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, usually behind Coffee Shacks.

  C-53: Ah, fair.

  AJ: So, Tymberleigh, help me out here—

  PLECK: Wait, why didn't we just get in the megatorto to begin with?

  TYMBERLEIGH: If you don't get it, man, I don't know. Like, I feel like all day you've been hounding me with these questions…

  PLECK: But does the—do we control the megatorto, or does the torto control the megatorto?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Megatorto, activate!

  [the megatorto whirs to life]

  TYMBERLEIGH: And then the megatorto is going to grab us and put us into their shell.

  [everyone yells as they are grabbed and put inside]

  [transition to AJ]

  AJ: Mr. Robot Man, we're inside the big robot now?

  C-53: [over comms] Well, it appears that the megatorto is controlled by the torto, which is controlled by us.

  DAR: It's megatort-o’clock!

  PLECK: Okay…

  [transition to Pleck]

  PLECK: Seems like there could just be the controls that go straight to the big tail, but… I'm not gonna ask any questions anymore.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Good. Good. Thank you.

  PLECK: The weird thing is, I have to use the tail of the torto to control the coffee maker, which is in the tail of the megatorto. [coffee maker hisses steam] It just seems like I could cut out the middle part—it's so much more difficult—

  DAR: Pleck, are we gonna talk about making coffee, or are we gonna make coffee?

  PLECK: You didn't drink the first coffee I made!

  [transition to C-53]

  C-53: Also, the megatorto has legs, but then it has tank treads in the feet. We're moving so slow!

  MCCLORSK: [from outside] Dropkick!

  [transition to Dar]

  DAR: Oh, I just spilled my first coffee!

  MCCLORSK: It’s Megaclorsk-o’clock!

  [transition to AJ]

  AJ: Tymberleigh, there's a button here that says “jaw laser?” Is that—should I push that, or what? [laser charges up, fires]

  MCCLORSK: Nooooooo!

  DAR: Oh, wow. Okay, so you asked if you should push it while you were pushing it.

  AJ: Yeah, it’s better to ask forgiveness, right?

  [McClorsk grunts in pain]

  TYMBERLEIGH: I guess that's… fine. I guess we… usually only use that mega laser for, uh…

  PLECK: At the end?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Even bigger…

  [laughter]

  AJ: Why wouldn't you—why wouldn’t I just start with the mega laser? I'm sorry.

  DAR: It clearly took out the monster immediately.

  MCCLORSK: Would not—did not think the finishing laser was gonna come that soon! Oh! [McClorsk falls to the ground with a boom]

  DAR: Okay, now he's dead. He had one last thing to say, of course, but now he's dead.

  MCCLORSK: Ohhh… I would have been fine if it weren't for you dang Torto Troopers—

  [Dar laughs]

  MCCLORSK: —inside your respective appendages inside even bigger appendages. Ahhh… zoiiiiinks.

  [loud explosion]

  AJ: It exploded.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Okay… well, do you guys wanna see the extra megatorto?

  C-53: Oh, come on!

  [laughter]

  TYMBERLEIGH: Do you guys wanna see it? There's another Coffee Shack…

  [cool swishing, transition music]

  AJ: Tymberleigh, you did an amazing job back there.

  PLECK: Yeah, Tymberleigh—

  TYMBERLEIGH: Thank you so much. I feel so confident and so good, and like—hey, you guys are here! You guys… you guys are up!

  [the rest of the Torto Troopers run up]

  BLUE TROOPER: Tymberleigh!

  FIFTH TROOPER: Oh, yeah!

  GRAY TROOPER: Tymberleigh!

  BLUE TROOPER: Tymberleigh, we regained consciousness in the Coffee Shack and came straight here as fast as we could!

  FIFTH TROOPER: I dreamt in full color!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Wow, good for you!

  GRAY TROOPER: I thought about my first wife!

  BLUE TROOPER: Oh, boy.

  FIFTH TROOPER: Are you a teen?

  GRAY TROOPER: A teen every day.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Guys, guess what? I defeated that monster, and it turned out Reg was controlling it the whole time. And then, my friends worked the torto with me, and the megatorto!

  BLUE TROOPER: You made coffee for these guys?

  TYMBERLEIGH: Uh—

  AJ: No. Tymberleigh was in the head.

  FIFTH TROOPER: Whoa…

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, guys.

  BLUE TROOPER: But I drive the head! And the two legs. Tymberleigh makes coffee in the tail!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Well, from now on, I think you can… get your own coffee.

  FIFTH TROOPER: Oh, take that, Trevin.

  DAR: Ooooooh.

  BLUE TROOPER: Don't use my real name when I'm wearing my helmet!

  GRAY TROOPER: She has so much confidence!

  BLUE TROOPER: Tymberleigh, your newfound confidence is inspiring to me!

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah. Good.

  [pause]

  AJ: Do we… stick around for this, or do we—what do we do?

  PLECK: Yeah, should we—

  C-53: I think we should probably—

  PLECK: Yeah, this feels like the end of…

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah, I think I'm gonna… it was nice meeting you guys, but I have to head home, I’m… uh, there’s—

  PLECK: Tymberleigh, you saved your own planet single-handedly. Single-headedly.

  TYMBERLEIGH: Yeah.

  PLECK: You could also probably mount that mega jaw laser into, like, a smaller… you could just carry it around and just use that as soon as you saw the first monster.

  TYMBERLEIGH: You have a lot of ideas, don't you, huh?

  FIFTH TROOPER: Was this dipshit doing this the whole time?

  BLUE TROOPER: Get the hell out of here, bro.

  TYMBERLEIGH: The whole time.

  [transition, Torto Troopers instrumental theme]

  NERMUT: Yeah, so—no, the crew explained that McClorsk was a literal monster. So…

  SEESU: Right, I know. Ugh.

  NERMUT: Do—

  SEESU: They're all literal monsters, aren't they?

  NERMUT: Do you know? He became the size of a building and then exploded into just—uh…

  SEESU: I know, their egos, right? Their egos. Huge.

  NERMUT: Just sparks.

  SEESU: Everyone you put your trust in ends up being a monster. My life story, right? I should write that down for my biography. [calling out] Phil?

  NERMUT: He was 700 feet… okay—

  SEESU: Phil, can you write that down? Great.

  PHIL: [rolling over in a desk chair] Where would you like me to write, here?

  SEESU: “Everyone in her life, uh, turned out to be a monster.”

  NERMUT: How long is your biographer gonna be using my desk?

  PHIL: [mumbling, typing slimily] One… life… monster…

  SEESU: Right, thank you.

  NERMUT: [sighs] Why… there are so many biographers who are great who are not slug creatures.

  PHIL: [indistinctly] Excuse me?

  SEESU: Nermut, honestly, very rude. I'm an equal opportunity hirer.

  NERMUT: Fair, fair. I just have to sit in that chair afterwards, and…

  PHIL: Just because I work slower… I work really slow. [Phil rolls away]

  SEESU: Nermut, I'm not surprised that he died, you know?

  NERMUT: …Really?

  SEESU: While you were gone, I was already thinking about other people who would replace him.

  NERMUT: Oh!

  SEESU: You can never put your trust all in one person, Nermut. If there's anything that you learn from being a TEENMOM, is to trust no one.

  NERMUT: Rea—wow, okay.

  SEESU: Whoo! Phil, can you get me a scotch?

  PHIL: Sorry, we don't have any scotch, we just have scotch eggs.

  SEESU: That's fine, I'll take it.

  NERMUT: That's not a great replacement. Uh…

  [Seesu eats the egg, Nermut reacts with disgust]

  SEESU: Nermut, it's okay! I already have a list of eight other candidates I think would be excellent as a running mate.

  NERMUT: Oh! Wow.

  SEESU: Number seven… I skipped number eight. Number seven is Darryl Dedonk.

  [playback sound]

  DARRYL: Hi. I'm Darryl Dedonk.

  SEESU: Thoughts, concerns?

  NERMUT: Wow... That—oh—

  SEESU: [interrupting] Number six, Felicia Booey.

  [playback sound, no sound follows]

  NERMUT: Felicia's just dancing silently?

  SEESU: Yes.

  NERMUT: So, who are these people?

  SEESU: Well, like I said, Nermut, you can't trust anyone. But you can trust standardized tests!

  NERMUT: Oh.

  SEESU: Which is why I had a group of 200 people take a standardized test that analyzes their trustworthiness, their future prospects, their sexual chemistry with me, and I brought it down to the next eight individuals!

  NERMUT: Uh… perfect.

  SEESU: Then we have number five… we have Allergy Eyedrops.

  [playback sound]

  ALLERGY EYEDROPS: [as if about to sneeze] Hi, I'm Allergy Eye—eh. Hi, I'm Allergy Eyedr—I’m gonna take it again, hold on, hold on.

  SEESU: [speaking over the recording] No, let’s cut it out, I don’t—very weak. Very weak.

  ALLERGY EYEDROPS: Hi! I'm Algerly… Eyedrops. Agh…

  INTERVIEWER: [on the recording] Hey, Allergy, why don't you… why don't you just—

  ALLERGY EYEDROPS: Keep ‘em all in there, I wanna see the real me. I'm Allergy Eyedro—blegh.

  SEESU: I don't know, I'm still on the fence.

  [end credits music plays]

  [full Torto Troopers theme plays: energetic rock with male vocals, legally distinct from Go Go Power Rangers]

  ♪ They are ♪

  ♪ High-flyin’ torto-drivin’ teenage renegades ♪

  ♪ They are ♪

  ♪ Fightin’ monsters after school, but somehow keepin’ up good grades ♪

  ♪ Five torto gems give them the strength to tort and to settle any score ♪

  ♪ With the power of their friendship plus a lot of caffeine, ♪

  ♪ They can tort a little more ♪

  [Chorus]

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers still have to assemble! ♪

  ♪ They can’t fight until they have assembled! ♪

  [Verse 2]

  ♪ They know ♪

  ♪ Just what to do when the monsters start to grow ♪

  ♪ They’ve got ♪

  ♪ A mega torto ‘round the corner fired up and ready to go ♪

  ♪ The colorblind trooper’s pretty sure that he’s green ♪

  ♪ And the gray one’s definitely seventeen ♪

  ♪ If you don’t get it, then you don’t get it ♪

  ♪ You’re probably too old ♪

  [Chorus]

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers still have to assemble! ♪

  ♪ They can’t fight until they have assembleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  ♪ Torto Troopers assemble! ♪

  [song fades out]

  [end credits music]

  C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter and the Blue Trooper were played by Alden Ford. C-53 and the Yellow Trooper were played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Seesu Gundu, the monster, the bigger monster, and the Gray Trooper were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. TEENMOM Nermut Bundaloy, Reg McClorsk, and the Fifth Trooper were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Allergy Eyedrops were played by Winston Noel. Tymberleigh was played by special guest Glo Tavarez. Glo cohosts the podcast Second Best: A DnD Adventure. Follow her on Twitter @yoglo_. That’s Y-O, G-L-O, underscore. This episode was edited by Seth Lind, with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell. Recorded from eight locations in four time zones while experiencing eleven types of anxiety. Original song “Torto Troopers Assemble!” was written by Alta Finn and Shane O’Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

  [Promo: Beef and Dairy Network]

  NARRATOR: If you’re looking for a new comedy podcast, why not try the Beef and Dairy Network? It won best comedy at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I’m— [static]

  SPEAKER 1: There were no horses in this country until the—the mid to late sixties.

  SPEAKER 2: Specialist bovine ass vet.

  SPEAKER 3: Both of his eyes are squid’s eyes.

  SPEAKER 4: Yogurt… buffet.

  SPEAKER 5: She was married… to a bacon farmer… who saved her life.

  SPEAKER 6: Farm raised snow leopard.

  [static]

  NARRATOR: Download it today. That’s the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, from maximumfun.org. Also, maybe start at episode 1, or weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.

  [Promo: Who Shot Ya? (now titled Maximum Film!)]

  PRODUCER: Listen, I’m a hotshot Hollywood movie producer. You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea. Go.

  IFY: Alright. It’s called Who Shot Ya?, a movie podcast that isn’t just a bunch of straight white dudes. I’m Ify Nwadiwe, the new host of the show, and a certified BBN.

  PRODUCER: BBN?

  IFY: Buff black nerd.

  ALONSO: I’m Alonso Duralde, an elderly gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies.

  DREA: I’m Drea Clark, a loud white lady from Minnesota.

  IFY: Each week, we talk about a new movie in theaters, and all the important issues going on the film industry.

  ALONSO: It’s like Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner meets Cruising!

  IFY: And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles while we record each episode.

  PRODUCER: I’m sorry, this is a podcast? I’m a movie producer, how did you get in here?

  DREA: Ify, quick! Start flexing!

  IFY: Bicep! Lats! Chest! Who Shot Ya? Dropping every Friday on maximumfun.org, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

  Maximumfun.org: Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.

  [outtake begins]

  PLECK (ALDEN): What about Gundu and McClorsk, Bargie, does that work?

  BARGIE (MOUJAN): Ugh. Blech. Blechhh.

  DAR (ALLIE): It’s too hard, “Gundu and McClorsk.”

  PLECK (ALDEN): Yeah, it’s hard.

  BARGIE (MOUJAN): I had that once, someone gave it to me. I itched for weeks.

  PLECK (ALDEN): Oh boy.

  AJ (WINSTON): What about Gundu-2284?

  [pause]

  SETH: 2884?

  WINSTON: Fuck. Um—

  [Seth and Moujan laugh]

  AJ (WINSTON): What about—

  ALLIE: [laughing] Nope. Leave it. It sticks, it stays.

  [Seth laughs again]

  NERMUT (SETH): You know what, that does sound good, AJ.

  AJ (WINSTON): [crosstalk] What about Gundu-2884?

  DAR (ALLIE): Wait, AJ—AJ, who do you see Seesu with?

  [more snickering]