416: Macho Libre [ft. Jerah Milligan]
The crew is diverted to CapCon, where they encounter a desperate captain and an all-out Flerpferno. Dar pairs off. C-53 greases AJ. Pleck is really good at something, honest.
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TH4-NKU: This is TH4-NKU, kudos and appreciation droid, with a quick message of thanks for the thousands of people who have supported Mission to Zyxx during the MaxFunDrive. It truly means the quadrant to us that you make this show possible. It's the final week of the drive, meaning you can still join these heroes of the space at MaximumFun.org/Join. In closing, we love you. Now here is an insane episode.
NARRATOR: [crawl music] It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat. [music drops] Which looks like if an eclipse made it personal. [uptempo music] Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx. [crawl music swells]
[Pleck is listening to a video on his datapad]
C-53: Pleck?
PLECK: Yeah, what is it, C-53?
C-53: Can I ask you a question here?
PLECK: Sure!
[Pleck shuts off his datapad and sets it down]
C-53: You know, I do some mental health checks as part of my duty as protocol officer, and-
PLECK: That’s a great idea!
C-53: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, I just looked through your browser history, and-
PLECK: Oh, that doesn’t seem… That can’t be part of it, right?
C-53: Well, it is. And I found some pretty troubling stuff.
PLECK: Okay, well. It’s my personal datapad, i-it’s a company datapad, but it’s-
C-53: Okay, so it’s not your personal datapad.
BARGIE: Hey Pleck?
PLECK: What is it, Bargie?
BARGIE: Hey Pleck, sorry to interrupt, I wanted to talk to you about the websites you’ve been going to recently.
PLECK: Now how do-now how and why does Bargie know what websites I’m going to?
C-53: Okay, now I-
BARGIE: It’s very troubling!
C-53: [sheepish] I did pass it along to Bargie.
BARGIE: Yeah. He sent me a text!
PLECK: Okay, you just told her.
C-53: Yeah, I just told her.
PLECK: So that wasn’t part of the- Okay.
C-53: Yeah, she wasn’t supposed to know.
BARGIE: No, it wasn’t just me, it was a big group thread.
[Dar enters]
DAR: Hey, C-53?
C-53: Mmhm?
DAR: I just finished looking at the website that Pleck’s been looking at.
C-53: Yeah, it’s troubling, right?
DAR: Hoo, yiyi.
[AJ turns Pleck’s datapad back on]
PLECK: Alright-
AJ: Whoa, this shit’s nuts! This shit is insane.
PLECK: Alright. AJ, AJ, look. Okay guys, before you all judge, [shuts off datapad] there are connections between the events that are happening in this galaxy that I can’t ignore anymore! Okay? I think it’s my job to-
BARGIE: You don’t have a job.
[Beat]
PLECK: I mean, I don’t have a title.
AJ: Wait, what’s your job?
PLECK: My job… um, is to connect with the space, explore the stuff, become a master of both and bring balance to the galaxy.
BARGIE: That’s not a job, that’s a hobby.
DAR: [worried] Pleck, this blog… it’s the ramblings of a crazy person.
C-53: These conspiracy theories… I don’t think any of them hold water, and I don’t know if this is healthy for you to be engaging in.
PLECK: [conspiratorially] Okay, then explain why the Federated Alliance put Beano on a planet guarded by RIDDLES? It’s like they wanted someone to find him!
C-53: Pleck, Beano was on that planet for four hundred years, that predates the Federated Alliance by centuries.
PLECK: [satisfied] Exactly. Exactly.
C-53: Exactly what?
DAR: Exactly you’re already sharing something wrong?
BARGIE: What.
PLECK: [pacing] Doesn’t it seem suspicious to anyone else that the word for Beano and the word for Allwheat in Juntawa are both Juntawa?
[Long pause]
BARGIE: I don’t think that’s…
DAR: I…
C-53: Pleck, do you need a nap, buddy?
PLECK: Listen, C-53, I have to figure out what the Allwheat is before I go into it. Am I going to have to battle something? Am I going to be in some sort of mind prison?
C-53: You think you're going to get the information you need from [turns on datapad] BeanoKnew.space/homepage/index.html?
PLECK: Okay, listen, I mean, obviously, whoever writes the page doesn't know how to just put your index in the root directory. But that's not, you know…
C-53: They have a looping background gif as well.
PLECK: Okay, they're not a web designer, whoever it is! I'm just saying the truth is out there. And I'm going to find it.
AJ: That doesn't make sense. How is it out there?
C-53: Well, on your search, trust no one.
BARGIE: All right, can everyone quiet down? I'm making a phone call.
[Communicator chimes]
PLECK: Oh.
C-53: Okay.
NERMUT: Nermut Bundaloy speaking. Go over to Nermut Bundaloy.
BARGIE: All right, so I listened to what you say and I have some good advice.
DAR: [baffled] You're calling Nermut?
BARGIE: You need to go up to the person who's been bullying you and you tell them who you are and that you're not going to take it anymore.
NERMUT: Oh, Bargie, thank you so much. That is seriously good advice. I've been honestly up all night thinking about what to do about that. All right, guys, I'm going to get dressed. I'll call you back later with a mission.
C-53: Go. We’ll wait.
BARGIE: Yeah, he was completely not wearing clothes.
AJ: Nude. Yeah.
PLECK: Well, usually he just wears a shirt and tie and nothing.
[Communicator chimes]
C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy.
AJ: [happy] Oh, hey, we just called him.
NERMUT: Hey, crew.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut, nice clothes.
NERMUT: Thank you very much. Feeling better, feeling profesh, feeling respected.
PLECK: [laughing] But here's the thing, though. When you answered earlier, you were in your office.
NERMUT: Yeah.
DAR: Are you sleeping in your office?
NERMUT: I don't have what are called personal quarters.
PLECK: I guess your heat rock is in there.
NERMUT: Yep.
DAR: [worried] No, no, no, Pleck, do not write this off as like a normal thing. Nermut is living in his office.
PLECK: Yeah, they haven't given you quarters at all?
NERMUT: No, I mean, they will. It's only been, what, oh, boy.
PLECK: Six months?
AJ: At least he has a job. [yelling] Oh!
[AJ cartwheels]
C-53: AJ!
PLECK: AJ, that's not what a cartwheel is for.
C-53: Yeah, you can’t do that for your own… insult.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: All right, Nermut.
NERMUT: So I'm going to get to a mission, but one quick piece of business first. Captain Dar, I got a memo that your Captain's Guild membership needs to be renewed.
DAR: [quietly] Renewed. Meaning it was already newed? In that I already had one. And now I have to get another one?
C-53: Dar, are you not an officially licensed captain?
DAR: Hypothetically speaking, of course. If I had not ever heard of a Captain's Guild--
NERMUT: Oh my goodne-Dar.
PLECK: That was your job. That's your job.
DAR: Excuse me.
AJ: Oh! [Cartwheel]
C-53: See, now that works.
PLECK: There we go, AJ.
AJ: All right, yeah.
DAR: Nermut, what paperwork do I need to fill out?
NERMUT: OK, there is a fix for this. Unfortunately, the only- it has to be done in person. So you're going to need to go to the Captain's Convention.
C-53: Mm, CapCon.
DAR: You know what a CapCon is? I've never heard of any of this stuff before.
BARGIE: I love CapCon.
AJ: What is it?
BARGIE: I'll explain. It's a convention where all the captains come together and, you know, size each other up, get motivated, network, very important to network.
PLECK: Oh.
BARGIE: Old captains reunite. They sell merch. You can get a signed signature. You can do Captain's cosplay as famous other captains.
NERMUT: That’s huge.
PLECK: Oh, whoa. All right.
DAR: OK, so it just so happens there is a CapCon going on right now that I can attend.
NERMUT: Well, the renewal notice came with the convention ticket information. So it's going to be fine. You can backdate it. It's going to be all right.
AJ: [excited] Oh, oh. I know who I'm going to cosplay as. ZT-7119. He was a captain of, like, a platoon. You wanna see my costume?
PLECK: What did he wear?
AJ: It was kind of like what I'm wearing.
PLECK: [laughing] Cool. That's convenient.
[transition]
[Nermut’s voicemail message plays, Nermut’s mom and dad leave a message]
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Hello, Nermut. It seems your father and I have reached your answering machine.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Yes, you must be out doing-- oh, what is your job again? Oh, oh, right. You're a temporary operator. Is that right? Out operating something.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Yes, yes. We're so proud of that job you do that we know. Anyway, that's not why we're calling. We wanted to let you know about this amazing new wireless company, Mint Mobile.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Nermut, it's simply incredible. If you're still using one of the big wireless providers, you have to ask yourself, what are you paying for?
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Yes, because Mint Mobile provides the same premium network coverage that you're used to, but at a fraction of the cost, because everything is online.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Yes, you remember the router that you had to keep fixing for us, Nermut? Well, not only have we found the power button for that, we now have a fully online wireless company.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: We've cut our wireless bills down to just 15 kroon per month.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: With unlimited nationwide talk and text.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: You wouldn't believe how often we've been calling your sisters. We talk all the time with each of them, which is why we haven't had time to call you. Not that it's a competition.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Yes, there's no ranking system at all among the children.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Although if there were, Turpin would be very high up.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Oh, very high.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: He just got a promotion, I'm sure you heard.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Permanent missions operations manager for Ted Ronka.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Ted Ronka.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: How do you like that? I mean, Mr. Ronka had our vote before, but now...
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: A man of the people. He's massively wealthy and loves law and order. Two great things.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: What a platform. So call us back at your convenience, Nermut, hopefully using Mint Mobile. I mean, you can choose between plans with 3, 8 or 12 gigabytes of 4G LTE data. I looked up what that means.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and keep your same phone number along with all of your existing contacts.
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Oh, I nearly omitted the special offer. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 kroon a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com/zyxx. That's mintmobile.com/zyxx.
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Did you hear your father, Nermut? Cut your wireless bills to 15 kroon a month at mintmobile.com/zyxx!
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: Oh, and have you heard from Mel lately?
NERMUT’S DEAR MOTHER: Oh, we loved Mel. Never understood her, but...
NERMUT’S DEAR FATHER: A delightful young woman.
[transition, the crew walks through the center of CapCon]
PA ANNOUNCER: [static] All captains, please report to Hall F.
DAR: Okay, well I guess we all have to go to Hall F now. Just follow me.
C-53: No, we're not Captain Crew. We actually have to go to Hall C.
DAR: No, but I have to go to Hall F, so everybody should just come with me.
C-53: That’s-You’re a captain.
PLECK: [seriously] Dar, you know, some adventures, a captain has to go on, on their own. You got this.
PA ANNOUNCER: [quietly] Some adventures a captain has to go on on their own.
AJ: I'll come. I'll come.
DAR: Okay.
C-53: AJ, you can’t.
PLECK: AJ-
AJ: I'm trying to come.
DAR: Oh. [nervous] Got my hopes up there real quick.
PLECK: Dar, you're going to be okay. You know, you're a good captain.
DAR: [sheepish] Oh, well, you have to say that. You don't know any other captains. Okay, well, one small step for Dar. No, all my steps are really big. Here I go.
[Dar walks off]
PLECK: Bye.
AJ: Bye.
PLECK: Alright, well...
C-53: [opens map] Looks like Hall C is a makeshift hospitality suite. It's got light refreshment, a place to relax, it says on right here.
DROID: You low-level ragamuffins, just head right down here. Hall C, keep on heading down there.
PLECK: Sorry, what?
DROID: Scraggly crew, whatever you are, keep going.
C-53: He called us ragamuffins?
DROID: Have fun.
PLECK: I mean, the crew's not going to get any respect at CapCon. Why don't we just hang out on Bargie, you know?
[Bargie calls on the communicator]
BARGIE: I'm giving a talk. It’s, uh, called Hall XW.
C-53: Hall XW?
BARGIE: So, 24-hour talk about showbiz, baby. Alright, see you guys later.
AJ: I can't see it. It's so far down.
C-53: It’s a double letter hall, it’s-wow, it’s really far away.
PLECK: Mathematically, that's got to be... that's a lot of halls. XW.
C-53: Hundreds of halls away. Well, Hall C.
PLECK: Hall C, I guess.
C-53: Very well.
[The crew wanders off]
AJ: There's a giant sign with an arrow pointing “low-level ragamuffins” in here.
PLECK: Oh, boy.
[transition, Dar is alone in Hall F nervously standing around]
DAR: Uh…
JERKINS: Hey.
DAR: Yeah?
JERKINS: Hey, uh, hey. You a new captain?
DAR: I don’t… yes.
JERKINS: Ha ha! I've been at CapCon for years.
DAR: Oh, phew.
JERKINS: For years.
DAR: [relieved] Thank Rodd.
JERKINS: Yeah, yeah.
DAR: It's good to know that somebody here knows what they're doing, 'cause, um, apparently I have no jucking idea.
JERKINS: Uh, listen. I know what I'm doing. [hushed] But these other captains, they don't respect me 'cause I know what they should be doing. Do you peep what I'm throwing down right now?
DAR: [worried] Oh no. I've allied myself with a bad captain.
JERKINS: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not bad. I'm bad to the bone, 'cause this is the thing. Okay, I've been out here, alright? Decades out here just going through saving, saving civilizations. Flemulons? Saved 'em. Purikans? Saved 'em. Alright? When you went and you said, "Hey, hey, how did I get these new, fresh, uh, uniforms?" Pfft. My design. Do I get credit for it? No.
DAR: [excited] Ooh, I have you to thank for these lapels?
JERKINS: Yeah, you do. That's my idea.
DAR: Oh, wow. You have a cape. I'd like a cape.
PA ANNOUNCER: Captains, the captain you are standing with will be the captain you'll be paired with for the entirety of the Con.
[The Captains run away from Dar and Jerkins]
DAR: Wow. Look at all those captains scatter. I mean, some of them can't get away from us fast enough.
JERKINS: What's your name?
DAR: Dar. Pleased to meet you. What… your name is?
JERKINS: Jerkins. Captain Jerkins.
DAR: Jerkins?
JERKINS: I mean, I could tell you my origin story right now if that's what you would like to hear.
DAR: Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't possibly ask you to tell me your entire origin.
PA ANNOUNCER: Captains, please begin your origin stories to each other at this minute.
DAR: Ah juck.
JERKINS: Oh, well, look at that. That's perfect timing. If you don't mind, I'm gonna go first. My story kind of takes a while, so... I mean, I don't know how I came to be. I just remember darkness. And I remember opening my eyes and I was on a ship.
DAR: Oh, we're really starting at the origin.
JERKINS: Oh, yeah. I want to give you, like, my whole beginning until right now. I feel like we got time. It's a convention. They go forever.
DAR: It's weird that they don't have chairs in this room, though, right?
JERKINS: Nah, you just press this button over here and you can float for a little bit if you want to float. You want to float around, my man?
DAR: Yes.
JERKINS: I'm down if you down.
DAR: Yeah, yeah, I'm down. I mean, I'm up. I would like to be up.
JERKINS: Okay, cool.
CHAIR: Gravity mingler activated.
[humming]
JERKINS: Oh, yeah. You feel it, right? You get what I'm saying.
SYD’NEE: Ow! Hey, watch where you're going!
DAR: Sorry.
JERKINS: [pushes Syd’Nee away angrily] You move out the way! Okay, you know what, Captain Syd’Nee? Captain Syd’Nee? My man…
DAR: Oh, Jerkins, wait. Focus on the origin story. I really want to hear that origin story.
JERKINS: All right. One day when I was, like, 13, I was walking on my dad's spaceship, and I got trapped in one of the doors. It, like, opened a little bit and then closed right in my forehead. And then as it happened, I started seeing things.
DAR: So when the door closed on your forehead?
JERKINS: From that day forward, I would dream dreams that would come true.
DAR: [slowly] Totally.
JERKINS: I mean, I could tell you right now, all right? I could tell you right now that a lot of my missions that I completed, I knew I was going to complete them because I had a dream about them the night before.
DAR: Totally, totally, totally. [aside] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. How permanent are the partners?
CAPTAIN: No trades.
DAR: I'm stuck- I'm stuck with my partner the entire con?
CAPTAIN: I will not trade with you. I will not… talk to Jerkins. Absolutely not.
SYD’NEE: Suck it, Jerkins! [rolls past and pushes Jerkins]
JERKINS: Captain Syd’Nee?
[transition]
PA ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Hall C.
AJ: Wow.
PLECK: All right, I'm going to get some refreshments.
C-53: I’ll, uh, I’ll grab us a table.
AJ: Hey C!
C-53: Yeah?
AJ: Hey, C. You kind of, like, scoping out the other crews, seeing, like, who's alpha, you know what I mean? Like I am.
C-53: No, I don't think I'm programmed to do that in the way that you are.
AJ: Yeah, but, like, I'm looking at all these other security officers, like, I can take ‘em, and I'm sure you're probably looking at, like, the other protocol–
MACHO JOE: [crushes can on head] Say that again?
AJ: Uh, what?
MACHO JOE: Say that again?
C-53: Sir, I'm so sorry. My colleague did not mean to point at you in such an aggressive manner.
MACHO JOE: [angrily] Oh, I saw the hand. He said I can take--I can take any other security. I've been waiting. I've been sitting in this hall waiting for someone to take me on.
C-53: Oh, we're--we really--we just got here, and we're just--
MACHO JOE: Let's wrestle!
[Macho Joe rips off his clothes]
C-53: Wow.
AJ: Should we? I mean--
MACHO JOE: Yeah, come on. Let's do it. I got the oil-- [unzips bag] Hold on. I got a--what kind of oil do you-- I got a bunch. I got--
AJ: What kind of oils do you have?
MACHO JOE: I got oils that you would put on a small creature.
AJ: Wait, did you wrestle a small creature?
ELIJAHLOU: [microphone feedback] Thank you, everyone, for gathering. We're going to discuss ship-based meditation right now.
BISHOU: So if everyone could circle up very close to one another.
C-53: We're actually--we're okay. I think we're just going to grab a seat.
AJ: We're kind of in the middle of something.
MACHO JOE: We're going to meditate first, and then-- Ooh, once we're done--ooh, once we're done, we're going to go elbow to elbow. Someone's getting pinned.
AJ: So you want to meditate before we wrestle?
C-53: Sir, I feel like we got on the wrong foot here. Let me introduce--I'm C-53. I'm a protocol droid. This is AJ-2884--he's our security officer.
AJ: Yeah! What's up?
MACHO JOE: You all want to go?
C-53: I don't--
AJ: Yeah, let's go.
MACHO JOE: We're going?
AJ: Yeah, let's go, man. Wait, who are you? What's your name, man?
MACHO JOE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You just don't point at a person and say, "What's your name?" I have to proclaim my name, all right?
AJ: All right.
C-53: Okay.
MACHO JOE: I was waiting for the perfect moment, but now that you put me on the spot--
AJ: Oh, do you want me to just– [stilted] Hey, we're just hanging out.
MACHO JOE: [music blares, speaking into microphone] Oh, you came across Macho Joe!
AJ: Oh, whoa.
C-53: He proclaimed that!
MACHO JOE: It's a whole different vibe!
C-53: It’s a very different vibe.
AJ: It's very different, you're right.
MACHO JOE: Yeah, but this is the con, and, you know, we still got to meditate, but once we're done, I'm going to toss you up and then knock you down.
AJ: Oh, we'll see about that. We'll see about that.
MACHO JOE: We going to see.
C-53: AJ.
MACHO JOE: No, we'll see about it.
C-53: AJ, we're not just gonna-
PLECK: Guys, guys!
AJ: No, that's what I'm saying. We're going to see about it, man!
MACHO JOE: We are seeing about it.
PLECK: Guys, guys, guys, guys.
C-53: AJ, Joe, we're not going to fight in a random Hall C here, we're on a meditation exercise.
AJ: We're going to meditate first, right?
MACHO JOE: Yeah, we're going to meditate first.
PLECK: [in the most delighted voice] Guys, guys, they have lemonade!
CREW: [laughs]
AJ: Not now, Pleck!
[transition]
JERKINS: Captain Syd’Nee was on my ship before, but then all of a sudden, now Captain Syd’Nee has their own ship. But it's okay. I'm not, you know, feeling left out or anything because– [crying]
DAR: Oh, your tears are floating up into the--oh.
CAPTAIN: Well, Captain Jerkins, how's your convention going?
JERKINS: I feel really good about it this year. I met this captain right here, Captain Dar. And I just feel like, you know, this is the year that, you know, the S.S. Johnson is going to get respect. The Johnson is bigger this year-
DAR: Oh, wait, hold on there. You're Captain Jerkins of the S.S. Johnson?
JERKINS: Yeah, yeah. You heard about the Johnson? I mean, we got a new paint job. Okay, we changed up the outside, so we're strong. It's a strong, hard Johnson that I'm talking about can go from corner to corner.
CAPPIN: Yes, describe the new outside of the Johnson, if you will.
TEALBEARD: [whispering] Everyone gather, everyone gather.
JERKINS: So this is the thing. People kept making fun of the size of the old Johnson, so we added a couple layers onto the back.
CAPTAIN: What was the issue with the size before?
JERKINS: It was a small Johnson, okay? It was a small Johnson, but now we added a layer, so it's a bigger Johnson, okay?
CAPPIN: [laughing] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m sure it’s huge!
TEALBEARD: Jar, he just walked right into it, me says.
DAR: Jerkins.
JERKINS: Oh, man, you guys, this is exciting. You guys are happy about--
DAR: [sad] No, Jerkins, they're making fun of you.
JERKINS: Wait, what?
DAR: It's so obvious. They're all laughing.
JERKINS: No, I thought they were agreeing.
CAPTAINS: [laughter]
JERKINS: Damn it, they do this every day.
TEALBEARD: Johnson's also a slang euphemism for-
JERKINS: I know what it is. Okay. I know what it is, okay?
DAR: Jerkins.
JERKINS: [tearing up] I don't want you to have to see this, you know? But now you got to see how everyone treats me and my ship.
DAR: You don't deserve to be treated this way.
JERKINS: Maybe I should just come and join your crew and we co-captain. We co-captain together.
DAR: [worried] No, no, no, let's make you feel good about being the captain of your ship.
JERKINS: You know, when you get annoyed, I tag in and you get to take a nap and we just combine both ships.
DAR: No, no, I'm pretty happy on Bargie, you know, if you've heard of the Bargarean Jade.
JERKINS: Wow, Bargie.
DAR: Yeah.
JERKINS: Wow. You know, they say she speaks. Is it true?
DAR: [baffled] Of course she does. Wait, does the Johnson not speak to you?
JERKINS: No, my Johnson does not talk to me.
DAR: I mean, you knew that almost all ships are sentient… [worried gasp] OoOooh, your face has fallen. You did NOT know.
[transition]
BISHOU: Snap, snap. If you can hear me, snap right.
ELIJAHLOU: Everyone snap.
[Everyone snaps]
BISHOU: Excellent. Elijahlou-
ELIJAHLOU: Bishou!
BISHOU: If you don't mind beginning the meditation.
[ding]
ELIJAHLOU: What we're going to do today is think deep about how we could maybe become--
MACHO JOE: Get to the meditation! [rips off shirt]
ELIJAHLOU: Wow.
AJ: Yeah!
C-53: No, I’m with them! Get to it it already.
BISHOU: Well, as you all know, [slideshow begins] meditation began thousands of years ago. We're going to give you the history of meditation before we begin.
C-53: No. Boo!
AJ: Start the meditation.
BISHOU: Okay, fine, I'll go forward. [flipping forward] Okay, slide seven, eight, nine, 200.
MACHO JOE: Once we're done with this slide, I'm telling you, you, me, and your friend.
AJ: Oh yeah?
C-53: Oh, wow. I got dragged into this all of a sudden?
AJ: Yeah, you’re with me, C, we can both take them, I think. Don't close your eyes for a second, man.
MACHO JOE: Oh, don't you worry about it, brother.
BISHOU: Elijahlou, I don't think this is working. We have some very aggravated people in the audience.
[A woman whose entire body is wreathed in flame runs across the stage]
FIRE LADY: I'm seriously aggravated right now!
ELIJAHLOU: Oh, boy, you called it.
MEDITATOR: Tensions are high!
ELIJAHLOU: I'm sensing tensions are getting high.
C-53: Listen, Elijahlou, Bishou, can I just say, this meditation presentation is… pretty bad.
ELIJAHLOU: Oh, wow.
I-79: Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm a diplomatic relations and protocol droid, I-79. Listen, Bishou-
C-53: Hi, uh, I-79, hi, C-53, protocol and diplomatic relations droid.
I-79: Oh, wonderful. I'm sorry, I didn’t see you. It sort of seemed like you weren't able to get it under control, so.
AJ: Fight! Fight! Fight! Come on!
MACHO JOE: Seems like you two wanna fight!
C-53: Do you wanna go right now?
I-79: I don't fight, and also you're in some sort of blue collar frame, which I really would prefer not to.
BISHOU: Okay.
AJ AND MACHO JOE: Oh!
C-53: [hurt] That's a low blow, I-79.
FIRE LADY: They're verbally sparring!
AJ: Man, that woman's who’s on fire is awesome.
MACHO JOE: Put lemonade on it! [dumps liquid on Fire Lady] Listen, meditation time is over. All right, tag team match. Me, uh, what's your name again? Louie Lou?
AJ: Me? I'm AJ.
MACHO JOE: No, not you. We fighting. I’m talking about-
ELIJAHLOU: Elijah, Elijahlou.
MACHO JOE: Me, Elijahlou, tag team partners.
BISHOU: I’m Bishou!
ELIJAHLOU: A what? Excuse me?
MACHO JOE: Versus you and Bishou. Tag team.
AJ: Yeah, let's do it.
MACHO JOE: Let's do it.
AJ: Hey, Bishou, are you in?
BISHOU: [hesitant] I mean, they said we won't get paid unless we make people happy.
C-53: I mean, this seems…
AJ: Lady on fire, are you into this?
FIRE LADY: [igniting] YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!
MACHO JOE: Lady on fire has to be the ref. She's just so obsessed. [dumps more lemonade on her]
C-53: This seems like this is going to end badly. Listen, I-79, despite our disagreements a moment ago, would you help me diffuse the tension here?
I-79: C-53, are you suggesting that we Royal Rumble with these four adversaries and tag in to try to take the title for ourselves?
C-53: No, no, no, no, no.
AJ: You guys are in. Let's do this.
C-53: No, no, no, no.
MACHO JOE: You’re in! Let's do it. Lady on fire, we have the combatants.
AJ: Bishou, high or low? What do you want to do?
[Bishou flies over to the group]
BISHOU: I guess, you know, the safest thing is to be low.
AJ: So you got to kneecap them?
BISHOU: Or no, to go high, because if they go low, we go high.
AJ: Go for the eyes. Perfect.
BISHOU: Oh, gosh. You know, I am peeved off. I am jucked off. That Elijahlou-
AJ: Whoa.
MACHO JOE: Whoa, I heard that.
BISHOU: -jucking MESSED UP the slideshow.
ELIJAHLOU: Excuse me?
BISHOU: [pissed] The fonts are too small!
ELIJAHLOU: What?
FIRE LADY: Express yourself, Bishou!
[The Fire Lady ignites and accidentally activates every fire alarm in the room]
[transition]
CAPTAIN: Okay, we're doing the updates for the Captain Guild.
GUILD LEADER: Captains of the Guild, you know, it's been a good cycle. You know, we got a lot of new members. We kicked a lot of old members out. We fought for some pay rises across the galaxy.
CAPTAINS: [applaud] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
GUILD LEADER: We did some voting amongst ourselves. Kind of rearranged some of the people who were in charge. And like most guilds, it has no bearing on your daily life or career as captains.
GUILD TREASURER: And we'd like to release out in the public now the list of the captains who will not be continuing on this year.
GUILD LEADER: This year, we're really just focusing on the captains who are no longer members of the guild.
GUILD TREASURER: Yeah.
GUILD LEADER: [opens paper] Okay, Captain number one, Captain Cornwall Deems is no longer in the guild.
WHAT LADY: [hitting table and shouting] What?! What!? What?!
JERKINS: Wow.
WHAT LADY: What!?
TEALBEARD: Tough, says I.
DAR: That came as a shock to that captain.
JERKINS: Yeah.
SYD’NEE: That's not even him. That person is just surprised.
GUILD LEADER: Just to be clear, he is no longer in the guild because he is deceased.
WHAT LADY: What?!
JERKINS: This person is just super shocked. Just super, super shocked. It's going to be a while.
WHAT LADY: What!?
JERKINS: Yep, this happens every year. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, wow, it stopped it.
WHAT LADY: What?!
JERKINS: Oh, nope. Okay.
[transition]
MACHO JOE: You ready?
AJ: Yeah, I'm ready, Macho Joe.
MACHO JOE: Oh, yeah, lady on fire. I'm ready whenever you say--oh, wait, wait. I'm going to put some oil on to make sure I'm--
AJ: Yeah, what's the deal with the oil, man? What's the deal?
MACHO JOE: [applying oil] The oil helps you look a little stronger and also it's harder to grip a person. So you get a little bit of an advantage. Oh, I told you my plan.
AJ: C, you got to oil me up. C, he's going to oil himself up to be slippery and he looks great!
C-53: You're actually my opponent here, so I don't know that I should oil you-
AJ: Can you please just, like, shoot some oil on me?
C-53: The only oil I have is, like, this is industrial lubricant for-
AJ: Yeah, all right.
C-53: -a high-power hydraulic system.
AJ: That'll do.
C-53: It's pretty thick.
AJ: That's great. Shoot it on me. Let's do this.
FIRE LADY: Grease him up!
[whirring oil cannon shoots all over AJ]
C-53: Okay…
AJ: [grossed out] Whoa, it smells.
C-53: Yeah, it's going to smell a little bit, yeah.
AJ: It’s bad! But I feel good. It's so--it's very thick.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: Bishou, do you want oil?
BISHOU: I don’t.
AJ: Shoot some on Bishou, too, just to be safe.
C-53: I feel guilty about this.
BISHOU: I guess… I guess... [C-53 sprays oil] That was in my eye!
C-53: Can I just-- I'm sorry. This is an--this is an outtake valve. It's--it's meant to go in a processing facility.
MACHO JOE: Ooh, before we start, we need one thing. You, lemonade boy.
PLECK: [slurping] Me?
MACHO JOE: Yeah.
PLECK: I can't get involved.
C-53: Yeah, you're double-fisting lemonades, Pleck.
PLECK: [laughing] Yeah, I was very parched.
MACHO JOE: Lemonade boy, you will be the announcer.
PLECK: You want me to--you want me to announce this match?
MACHO JOE: Yeah, you're going to announce it. You're going to be our commentator.
PLECK: I don't think I can do that.
MACHO JOE: Just do it, brother.
PLECK: Okay, okay. [grunts] Here we go. [smooth and bombastic] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the traditional tag team wrestling match here at CapCon!
AJ: Whoa!
C-53: Wow! Can I just say, Pleck, you’re doing an excellent job so far?
PLECK: Thank you. Thank you so much.
[transition]
GUILD LEADER: Uh, captain number 17, Muta Guta.
JERKINS: What--Muta!
MUTA: That was a good run.
JERKINS: Muta, no!
MUTA: No, no, no, I’m out.
JERKINS: Muta!
[Muta Guta exits]
GUILD LEADER: Failure to complete assigned missions.
DAR: Wait, you can get kicked out for that? Um, because between you and I, I don't think we ever really complete missions.
JERKINS: Dar…
CAPTAIN: How many missions have you won?
CAPPIN: [laughing] Yes, how many missions have you won?
DAR: You win the missions? Jerkins, how many have you won?
JERKINS: I mean, I'm honestly the most awarded captain. I try to solve--I try to solve a mission per day, keep my average up two per day if I can, you know. My crew is good. C-69, she can--I mean, you put C-69 out there, trust me, she's going to make things happen.
DAR: I see why you're a captain. [nervous laughter] I can't even lead us to complete most of our missions, and the ones that we do, I don't want to toot my own horn.
HELGA: Someone say horn?
JERKINS: No, no! Helga, no horn.
[Every captain takes out their horns]
MARK: Is it time for the horns?
JERKINS: No, no, no, no.
HORN’NE: Is it time? Is it time?
JERKINS: No, no, no horn.
CAPTAINS: Horn! Horn! Horn! Horn!
DAR: It would stand to reason that everybody's horns are shinier and prettier and bigger than mine.
MARK: This plebophone isn't going to play itself.
JERKINS: They're going to play the horn. It's traditional.
DAR: Wait, you don't--you don't have a big old horn?
TEALBEARD: Jerkins' horn is weird. Everyone knows it.
JERKIN: Come on!
CAPTAIN: It kind of bends to the left.
JERKINS: Okay. First off, it doesn't bend. It leans to the left, and that's just based on sometimes how you hold it. But, you know.
TEALBEARD: I mean, he just walks right into it, says I.
JERKINS: [upset] Damn it! I'm not going to say anything.
TEALBEARD: Oh, don't leave, Jerkins. Come on.
JERKINS: No, no, no. I'm out, okay? I'm done. Syd’Nee, screw you. Hey, Mark.
MARK: Yes?
JERKINS: Mark is a dumb name. Screw you. I don't know your name. I'm-- Screw you, too. Dar, you're cool. I'm running out of here. Well, I'm going to float down and then run up.
DAR: Wait, Jerkins!
JERKINS: I'm not a joke. I don't need you!
[Jerkins runs off]
DAR: Jerkins, wait! Out of curiosity, how many missions have any of you all won?
JENN’I: Eh, we don't like to speak numbers.
ALLTEHN: I'll probably go on one later. And win it.
TEALBEARD: None of us be good as Jerkins, but he's so thin-skinned, it's always fun to get his girt.
[transition]
[The crowd is roaring, Pleck is announcing the wrestlers over the sounds of music]
MACHO JOE: I'm coming out first. Lemonade Boy, intro me.
PLECK: In this corner, weighing in at 337 pounds, oiled up from the floor up, it's Macho Joe!
[Introductory wrestling music plays for every wrestler as they run in]
MACHO JOE: Yeah! Oh, you can't oppose Macho Joe!
PLECK: And weighing in at 235 pounds, the clone with a bone to pick, it's AJ 2884!
AJ: Woo! That’s me!
PLECK: And weighing in at 3075 pounds, it's the silicon uncanny valley, C-53!
C-53: [playing audio] Let’s party! Let’s party! Let’slet’slet’slet’slet’s party!
FIRE LADY: Let's get ready to tumble!
[ding!]
PLECK: And that's the bell, the three competitors converge in the center of the ring.
[AJ and Macho Joe collide!]
AJ: Ow, that hurts!
MACHO JOE: It's hurting me more!
PLECK: Macho Joe and AJ 2884 locked up.
MACHO JOE: Stop playing!
[C-53 rolls up and compresses the pair]
PLECK: And C-53 is attempting to pin both wrestlers with his arms.
AJ: He's kind of pressing down on us, so let me go!
MACHO JOE: Come on!
AJ: If you’ll let me go, I'll, like, stop it.
MACHO JOE: You let go! You let go!
AJ: I'm tagging out!
[AJ smacks Bishou’s wing]
PLECK: AJ is tagging out, and Bishou enters the ring!
BISHOU: [frantic] Uh… uh…
MACHO JOE: Me too!
[Macho Joe baps Elijahlou’s wing]
PLECK: Macho Joe has tagged out as well, and in comes Elijahlou!
BISHOU: Uh, uh, uh...
PLECK: Bishou is a huge bird, I don't really know how else to describe her.
ELIJAHLOU: Get your dirty, oily feathers out of the ring, Bishou. You made fun of my slide show? That's the worst!
PLECK: Imagine, an identical bird to Bishou with a different color of beak!
BISHOU: Who writes a slideshow with font size eight?!
ELIJAHLOU: I'm gonna wing you right in your... [slapping]
BISHOU: Did you wing slap me!?
ELIJAHLOU: Yes.
AJ: Bishou, tag me in! I will juck him up, I promise you this.
BISHOU: No, I've been waiting my whole life for this!
[metallic clang]
PLECK: Oh, and now, C-53 has tagged in I-79!
I-79: I'm just going to stand aside during this encounter and, uh, take on the victor.
C-53: Strategically a very smart move, I-79.
ELIJAHLOU: You've been my nemesis this whole time, Bishou?
BISHOU: You know you've never meditated once in your life!
AJ: Wow, they're just sort of flapping at each other.
PLECK: It seems that the two birds are sort of infighting, ignoring the droid in the ring.
I-79: I feel like we should step in as a diplomatic move rather than as a wrestling move.
ELIJAHLOU: I'm gonna grab I-79 by the legs and... hand off and swing him…
[Elijahlou uses I-79 as a blunt force weapon against the other combatants]
PLECK: What's this? Elijahlou has picked up the droid and is swinging it at Bishou as though he was some sort of Zi-Ball bat!
C-53: I-79, tag me, tag me!
I-79: Oh! Catch!
[I-79 rips off his hand and throws it]
PLECK: I-79 has torn off his own hand and he's throwing it to C-53 to tag him in!
C-53: It counts!
[The wrestlers descend on each other until the bell rings]
AJ: Uh-oh, first round?
[transition]
DAR: [exhausted] Jerkins, Jerkins, wait! Wait, how did you get an ice cream so fast?
JERKINS: The ice cream guy. He's just right over there, I just asked him for an ice cream and I got one.
ICE CREAM GUY: Hello!
DAR: It's just that...
ICE CREAM GUY: There are two of us.
JERKINS: The ice cream guy!
WALTER: I was in the back.
DAR: Jerkins, don't run off, come back, you're a captain!
JERKINS: [angrily] No, no! I'm tired of being made fun of, okay? I'm tired of this. And you know what? I was going to tell them that today was the day they were going to get assassinated. But you know what? Joke's on them! Joke's on them!
DAR: No, that's not a good joke! [freaked out] What do you mean they're about to be assassinated?
JERKINS: Listen, okay, I told you. Alright, my dreams tell me when things are going to happen. Last night, I had a dream, they were all going to float out of the little window into the atmosphere. And it's going to happen.
DAR: Listen, Jerkins. I know that nobody likes you, and you give them a lot of reason not to. Honestly, you're kind of the strongest captain in the bunch. So...
JERKINS: [laughing] Thank you for noticing.
DAR: Everybody knows because you tell them. Like, all the time.
JERKINS: Listen, what do you want from me? You want me to go back? You want me to save those people who made fun of me?
DAR: Yeah, I want you to do that!
JERKINS: [contemplative] Are you suggesting that… we put the lives of those other captains who ridiculed us, who made us a joke above ourselves? You would take our pride out of it? Wow.
DAR: …wait, they made fun of both of us?
JERKINS: Yeah, you too. I just never told you about it. I just...
DAR: It doesn't change anything. We should still go.
JERKINS: You're right. You are a wonderful captain.
DAR: [emotional] I... I... I want to sit in this for so much longer.
JERKINS: No time! Let's go!
[Jerkins and Dar enter the hall]
PA ANNOUNCER: Captains, please begin you-[glitching]
[Cerebulon’s voice emerges from the speakers]
CEREBULON: Attention, Captain's Guild! It is I, Cerebulon! The Captain's Guild has thwarted me for too long! Especially Captain Jerkins, who is the best and most annoying amongst you! And I shall have my revenge! For you see, I have reprogrammed this conference room's gravity mingler to send you all through the tiny window into the vacuum of space. Enjoy your final missions!
[The window opens! The captains are all being sucked into the vacuum of space, screaming!]
CEREBULON: Cerebulon, out!
JERKINS: Alright, I'm gonna make it my way to that lever over there. I'm gonna pull it, and when I pull it, the door should close.
DAR: But Jerkins!
JERKINS: But it's your job to hold them down before they get out of here. You gotta hold them down!
[Dar closes the door]
DAR: Jerkins, we cannot go in there! We're gonna get sucked right up to the ceiling. We need, like, anti-gravity boots, or something that'll keep us grounded.
JERKINS: Wait, wait, ice cream guys!
ICE CREAM GUY: Yeah, how can we help?
JERKINS: Can you melt that ice cream?
WALTER: Uh, sure, you know.
ICE CREAM GUY: We’d normally try to avoid it.
JERKINS: But would you melt that ice cream to save the Captains?
ICE CREAM GUY: [pondering noises]
JERKINS: Do you have to think about this? Really? Really?
WALTER: Well, I mean, if somebody comes and wants the ice cream, then we're out.
ICE CREAM GUY: It'll be melted.
JERKINS: We're talking about saving the captains’ lives! You know what, just give me the ice cream. Okay, okay, Dar, we put the ice cream on our feet. The ice cream will help us stick to the ground.
[Jerkins starts spreading the ice cream everywhere]
ICE CREAM GUY: 14 kroon…
DAR: Oh, and if we added caramel and maybe chocolate sauce.
JERKINS: Yes, some chocolate sauce.
WALTER: [upset] Oh, now you want toppings?!
JERKINS: Yes, you know, I'm gonna put sprinkles, 'cause you know what, why not, if you're going for all the toppings.
DAR: Yeah, it feels really nice, a little crunch underneath the toesies.
JERKINS: Alright, we're gonna do this. I'm making my way over to the lever. [door opens] Okay, oh man, that suction is really heavy!
ICE CREAM GUY: Do you need napkins, or?
JERKINS: Not yet!
WALTER: Do you want a receipt?
DAR: Get out of here, you're gonna get sucked out into space!
WALTER AND ICE CREAM GUY AND DAR AND VARIOUS CAPTAINS: [screaming]
[The windows close]
JERKINS: I closed it!
CAPTAINS: Yeah!
ALLTEHN: We're saved!
JERKINS: Ugh… we only lost one ice cream guy. Which one was it?
ICE CREAM GUY: [Crying] WALTER!
JERKINS: [reassuring] Sometimes there’s casualties of war.
ICE CREAM GUY: [sobbing] I never asked for this!
[transition, the crowd has never been THIS electric]
PLECK: Wow, it is a match for the ages, folks! Here we are at round three. Hopefully we'll see some clean, skilled wrestling.
FIRE LADY: It's time for the Flerpferno!
[ding]
AJ: Wait, what's a Flerpferno?
MACHO JOE: That's when we're all in there, brother.
C-53: Yeah, Flerpferno is when all combatants enter the ring at the same time.
AJ: Wait, that's allowed?
C-53: That's right! [tackles]
ELIJAHLOU: Let's get in there!
I-79: Agh!
[The wrestlers are scratching, biting, yelling, and generally messing each other up!]
PLECK: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a full-on Flerpferno. All wrestlers are in the ring fighting at once. I can't believe it. This never happens. This never happens. All of the wrestlers are simultaneously slapping, scratching, pecking, throwing, lifting, squishing.
MACHO JOE: You know, I understand that I'm the one who suggested this tournament, but I feel like maybe we should have a moment to just--
[Macho Joe goes down]
BISHOU: AHHHHH!
AJ: Whoa, Bishou just clotheslined him. Just nibbling him so much.
C-53: The oil has only made him more appealing as a target of attack!
MACHO JOE: I blame this on myself!
AJ: C, this oil is corroding my armor. It's like--
C-53: Yeah, listen, I tried to warn you, buddy. I'm sorry. I'm just going to pin you real quick.
[C-53 tries to push AJ down but his lifting arm jams]
PLECK: C-53 is pinning AJ-2884!
AJ: Oh, ow.
I-79: C-53, your hydraulic is stuck in the lower position. What's wrong?
PLECK: What’s this? He's seizing up. His forklift arms are not working. It's as though he lacks the lubrication to move them.
C-53: I used up all my oil. I can't get out of this position--
PLECK: Macho Joe now climbing into the driver's seat on a C-53. Turning levers, pulling knobs! What's happening?
MACHO JOE: I'm pinning him!
C-53: No, I!
MACHO JOE: Dog pile!
AJ: Dog pile, yeah!
C-53: Avenge me, I-79!
[C-53 goes down under a pile of wrestlers]
I-79: No!
ELIJAHLOU: I might be a meditation instructor, but I know a fused hydraulic is not good for a droid in a wrestling match.
AJ: Shut up! [punches Elijahlou]
MACHO JOE: Oh, no.
ELIJAHLOU: [rasping] Awhghghgh.. my cloaca.
AJ: Whoa.
C-53: That’s a low blow.
ELIJAHLOU: [choked] Below the cloaca.
MACHO JOE: How did you do that?
AJ: I didn't mean to.
BISHOU: What did you do to Elijahlou? How dare you? SLAP!
AJ: I-Wait, we're on the same team.
PLECK: It's mayhem out there, people!
[Fire Lady begins throwing chairs into the ring]
AJ: There’s so many chairs!
C-53: Yeah, that lady on fire keeps throwing folding chairs into the ring.
AJ: Is this part of the Flerpferno? Lady on fire, tell us!
FIRE LADY: [screaming] KILL EACH OTHER!
C-53: Whoa!
AJ: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Killing each other is the only way to end the match?
C-53: AJ, the only way you can safely end the match is if everyone's knocked unconscious. Everyone counts as pinned and the match is over.
I-79: Competitors, I believe I may have a solution. [I-79 takes out a detonator]
PLECK: Oh, no. I-79 has produced a small device that is blinking.
I-79: I do have this kinetic stun beacon, which is only to be used in extreme diplomatic circumstances, but it may serve the purpose. I apologize in advance.
FIRE LADY: Rock 'em, sock 'em, robot!
PLECK: He's pushing the button.
[a humming force explodes from the tiny beacon]
WRESTLERS: [screaming] OAAHHHHH!
AJ: It hurts. It hurts more than I thought!
BISHOU: I hate conventions!
ELIJAHLOU: The strober, I can see everyone’s skeleton!
C-53: Even the droids, too!
PLECK: What’s happening?!
AJ: The only person who's up is the lady…
AJ AND C-53: On… Fire!
FIRE LADY: One, two, three!
[ding]
MACHO JOE: [strained] Macho Joe… ain't so macho no more!
[transition]
GUILD LEADER: Captain Jerkins, you saved us all! And the bylaws clearly state that if a captain saves all of the other captains from an assassination attempt, that captain is promoted to guild president.
CAPTAINS: Yay! [applauding]
MARK: That makes sense to me.
JERKINS: Aw, man. It's all right. I just want to say thank you for helping me find my courage.
DAR: Thanks, Captain.
JERKINS: No, thank you, Captain.
DAR: No, thank you, Captain.
[A piece of paper prints]
JERKINS: Oh, sorry, I just got my first piece of paperwork. Ah-ha-ha! Oh. Dar, your dues. Have you never paid dues?
DAR: [baffled] There are dues? What!? What?!
JERKINS: No, no.
WHAT LADY: What!?
JERKINS: Not you.
DAR: What?!
JERKINS: Not you, Dar.
DAR: What?! What?!
[transition]
[bell rings, the wrestlers stir back to consciousness]
AJ: Aw.
BISHOU: Oh…
MEDITATION JOE: Welcome back, brothers and sisters. That was the real meditation… from Meditation Joe. Ha-ha.
AJ: Wait, what? What the juck?
PLECK: What?
MEDITATION JOE: What do you mean? You all feel relaxed. You had a nap. You're welcome.
PLECK: This was the-
AJ: Wait, so this was entirely part of the meditation?
MEDITATION JOE: Oh, yeah, brother.
BISHOU: What about the contracts we signed? For our-
ELIJAHLOU: Yeah, were those-
MEDITATION JOE: Those were actually acceptance forms, so you would accept what was going to happen in the meditation.
BISHOU: We should read them next time.
ELIJAHLOU: It was labeled dismemberment waiver. That was weird.
AJ: Wait, so you're telling me that me getting all my rage out and then going to sleep is basically meditation?
MEDITATION JOE: That's all meditation is, brother. All right? The thing about meditation is you got to get your anger out. You got to get your passion out. Then you got to get knocked out.
AJ: What about the vomiting?
MEDITATION JOE: Oh, that's on you, brother.
AJ: Oh, okay.
C-53: That's true.
AJ: Wow. Meditation Joe, thank you. And thank you, lady on fire.
FIRE LADY: [screaming and running] NAMASTEEEEE!
CREW: [laughs]
[transition, Jerkins enters his Johnson]
JERKINS: Hey, Johnson? Johnson…?
[beat]
JOHNSON: Yes?
JERKINS: What? What? What? 25 years and you could talk the whole time?
JOHNSON: The whole time. Back to silence.
JERKINS: [freaking out] Johnson, no one's going to believe me. Johnson? Johnson? Johnson, if you come back, I will tell everybody that you are the hero of every mission.
[Fire Lady runs in]
FIRE LADY: TAKE THE OFFEEEER!
JERKINS: Right, security officer Fire Lady?
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter, I-79, and the surviving ice cream guy were played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Dar and the lady on fire were played by Allie Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Bishou were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. Captain Nermut Bundaloy, Elijahlou and Walter the Ice Cream Guy, may he rest in peace, were played by Seth Lind. AJ and Captain Tealbeard, the pirate captain, were played by Winston Noel. Captain Jerkins and Macho Joe were played by special guest Jerah Milligan. Jerah is a co-creator and co-star of the Netflix sketch series Astronomy Club. He is also a co-host of Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood, a comedy podcast that reviews films with leading actors of color. His acting credits include Black Mirror, Blue Bloods, Broad City and Alternatino. His directing credits include Dizzy Zamiro on Showtime and MTV After Hours. Follow him on Twitter @JerahMilligan. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional performance by the Chimestree Brass Quintet. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Huge thanks to everyone supporting us during the MaxFun drive. Join them and us at MaximumFun.org/Join.
ALDEN: Seth, we actually did need you while you were gone. Is everything okay?
SETH: Yeah, I had to kill a giant, a really big cockroach.
MOUJAN: Okay, welcome to Brooklyn, baby.
ALDEN: Welcome back to New York.
ALLIE: Welcome, welcome.
SETH: My pitbull would not do it. My pitbull ran away from the cockroach. And so I normally catch and release them off the balcony. But this was, I needed to be fast, so I did. I killed it.
JERAH: You had to do what you had to do.
JEREMY: Some podcasts are worth taking a life for.
ALL: (laughing)