417: The Daming of the Crew [ft. Alise Morales]
The crew is deployed to meet the last surviving member of the Memorex species. Pleck gets a job. Dar confronts their past. Dar confronts their past. AJ hates this so much.
-
NARRATOR: [intro crawl begins] It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course, the colossal Allwheat. [music cuts out] Which looks like an enormous interdimensional eye with conjunctivitis. [uptempo music] Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission… to Zyxx! [crawl swells]
[booming orchestral intro music]
[Pleck is placing something gross and squishy all across Bargie, Dar slowly approaches him]
DAR: Hey, Pleck.
PLECK: Yeah, what is it, Captain?
DAR: What is it that you're doing right now?
PLECK: Oh, I'm so glad you asked. I'm just putting a little shrimp on all of the surfaces of the ship.
DAR: Yeah, like the fridge. On top of the fridge, there's about 20--
PLECK: Yes, a couple dozen shrimp.
DAR: Yeah.
PLECK: The thing is, I'm trying to summon Two. You remember Two from the singularity?
DAR: Oh, I see. So you're leaving--
PLECK: [conspiratorially] I remember when we were talking about shrimp. So I think if I just cover the ship in shrimp, then that will sort of bring him to us and he can finally answer some questions that I am very interested in knowing the answers to. First of all, what is Two's relationship with Beano? And if Beano and Two know each other, how old is Two and how old is Beano?
[Dar smacks aside the tray]
DAR: [worried] Pleck, you've got to stop it. You've got to stop this right now. You don't have time to--
PLECK: You just slapped a tray of shrimp out of my hands!
DAR: Well, you don't have time to be throwing shrimp around Bargie. You have to take responsibility because today you are second lieutenant-inent.
PLECK: [quietly] I am?
DAR: Yep, I just said it, so it's a fact and that's the thing. That's the thing now. You're second lieutenant-inent.
[the rest of the crew enters]
AJ: [excited] Whoa, nice, yeah.
BARGIE: Congrats.
C-53: Pleck, congratulations, now you formally have a job.
PLECK: Oh. Wow. Can I finish putting the shrimp out or do I have other--
BARGIE: Please take those away.
PLECK: Okay.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
DAR: Hey, Nermy. How's it going?
NERMUT: Hey, guys, I have- No, Horsehat, n–
[Horsehat smacks Nermut’s communicator and the call disconnects]
DAR: You know, Horsehat’s with Nermut, you know, right now.
[communicator chimes, Horsehat is babbling in the background]
C-53: Captain Dar, I have a second transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
NERMUT: [strained] Hey, crew, I'm just holding Horsehat back from that big red hang up button. It just looks so–
DAR: Tantalizing, yeah.
PLECK: You can't let Horsehat play with your communicator like that, Nermut.
NERMUT: I can't stop Horsehat from doing anything.
PLECK: That's true.
NERMUT: Yeah, Horsehat, good, good, good, good, good. [Horsehat yanks Nermut] AGH!
DAR: I mean, Horsehat doesn't have to sit in your lap at work, though, right?
NERMUT: I just thought this is like a bonding thing and--
C-53: I'm a little concerned about your legs. Can you feel anything down there?
NERMUT: I think I'm only head and a shoulder.
C-53: That's not right.
PLECK: [annoyed] Nermut, does Horsehat have a mission for us or what?
NERMUT: Does-- No, Horsehat doesn't--
HORSEHAT: Dah, dah… gah..
DAR: I love that.
NERMUT: I’m still giving the mission!
AJ: Oh, the baby's giving missions now? Okay.
NERMUT: No, I don't-
DAR: Oh, but the mission sounds so cute when Horsehat gives us the mission.
HORSEHAT: Dahdahice!
PLECK: Sounds fun, ice cream?
NERMUT: No, Horsehat, don't--
[Seesu enters]
SEESU: Nermut? Nermut?
NERMUT: Yes, yes, everything's great.
SEESU: Hi, Seesu Gundu running for galactic leader.
NERMUT: Right, yep.
AJ: [nervous] Hello! Hello?
[the perspective shifts to Seesu’s perspective on the call, Nermut is frantically skittering attempting to get Horsehat under control]
SEESU: Hi there. Nermut, can you stop whatever it is that you're doing and immediately just follow me?
NERMUT: I can try! My 1,700 pound child is pretty much running the show right now. No-
SEESU: I love how we have parent children day.
NERMUT: What? Let-- Get--
SEESU: Okay, I'm a mother. I know what to do.
NERMUT: Oh, thank you. Do you know how to get Horsehat down from this drain pipe?
SEESU: My family used to use a lullaby that put all of us to sleep. Horsehat! [clapping] You are sleeping. Think of success. The only way is up.
HORSEHAT: [collapses snoring]
NERMUT: Oh, wow. They dropped right down.
SEESU: They're taking a nap.
C-53: That was incredible.
NERMUT: Okay, so I was about to sign the ol’ mission here.
SEESU: Yeah, so I'm overriding whatever it is that you're doing.
NERMUT: Oh.
SEESU: Nermut, as you know-
NERMUT: I do.
SEESU: -the poll numbers have been coming in, and despite the fact that I am overqualified, I'm an expert on practically everything, and I'm being humble about it, you know? It's just a fact. I'm not showing off.
NERMUT: [agreeing] You could be bragging, but you’re not. So much study, so much rising-
SEESU: [angrily] I just studied very hard and spent a lot of my life rising to the top. And what's wrong with that? You know, my poll numbers are not doing well. It seems that people would rather get a drink with Honky Tonk Ronka. You know what I mean?
NERMUT: Yeah.
SEESU: And all the sick freaks out there are apparently a huge voting block, and they're all wanting it sticky with IQQ. This is a problem.
[Seesu plays a snippet of IQQ’s ad]
IQQ: Shoulder to shoulder sex wo-
SEESU: So, we need to go speak to the dame.
NERMUT: The dame.
SEESU: This is an important mission. It will get us to finally understand about the past that has made the future so jucked up and what we can do to change it?
NERMUT: Wait, the dame, the past? You don't mean [whispers] Dame Adelaide Wiggles?
[perspective returns to crew]
C-53: [surprised] Dame Wiggles, wow!
SEESU: Dame Adelaide Wiggles.
C-53: We have access to Dame Wiggles? This is amazing.
SEESU: Well, I'm going to go get on my tightest pants.
NERMUT: Oh, okay.
PLECK: Wait, sorry, are those not your tightest pants, Seesu?
NERMUT: Ope! Horsehat’s up!
[Horsehat crashes around]
PLECK: All right, we'll see you later, Nermut.
NERMUT: [choking] I hope so! I love you gu-
[call hangs up]
PLECK: C-53, who is Dame Adelaide Wiggles?
C-53: Well, I mean-
BARGIE: You don't know the dame? She's great.
C-53: I would say. I hardly need to explain, but clearly I do for you and almost certainly AJ.
[beat]
AJ: Huh?
C-53: Dame Adelaide Wiggles is both the longest-lived and the only surviving scion of the Memorex people.
PLECK: [confused] Memorex?
C-53: Yes, they have perfect memories, flawless reproductions in their minds of historical events. They are arguably the only people who can be trusted to faithfully recount the history of the galaxy.
PLECK: [awed] That's incredible. I didn't even know these people existed!
C-53: Well, they barely do.
DAR: There's one left.
C-53: It’s now just Dame Adelaide Wiggles. She's quite old, but boy, what a memory.
AJ: [concerned] Yeah, how is Seesu going to get into tighter pants?
[transition]
ZEALOT: Awaken, Gunthallowers, awaken. Your cryo slumber is over. Finally, we embark on the last leg of our voyage, a voyage into the Allwheat itself. Yes, yes, we have heard the rumors of an imminent plan to thwart our beloved and merciless Gunthbean. But that caper will not prevail, because nothing can contain a super-mad black hole that's on fire. Now, to ready yourself to be gloriously consumed, please notice the small drawer that is opening in your pod. [Drawer opens] Take the earbuds you see therein and place them in your ears. [Zealots place earbuds in their ears, sound clears] Listen to that. These are no ordinary listening devices, dear zealot. These are Raycon earbuds. Whether you're working from home, working on your fitness, or, in our case, enduring your final days as a being separate from your beloved destroyer, you want what you're listening to to be what you're listening to, not whatever impious holo your roommate is blasting. Stop, I know what you're thinking. Bundaleader, did you spend all of our precious Allwheat tribute on earbuds? No, for Raycon earbuds start at just half the price of other premium wireless earbuds on the market, but sound just as amazing. Plus, we received 15% off our order at buyraycon.com/zyxx. That's buyraycon.com/zyxx. Why have we provided these to you? Well, for the remainder of your journey, you will hear nothing but 336 uninterrupted hours of the divine meditative hum of the Allwheat itself. [ALLWHEAT HUM]
[transition music, the crew have landed and are walking towards a mansion]
PLECK: Commander Gundu, it's a real honor to have you on a mission with us today.
SEESU: Absolutely, Pleck Decksetter, I heard that you now have a new title.
PLECK: [surprised] Oh, really? When did you hear that?
SEESU: Your captain, Dar–
DAR: I told her, obviously.
SEESU: Second Lieutenant-inent, that is an honor! I've known many in my day.
AJ: You know, he kind of answers to me. I kind of give the orders.
DAR: AJ?
[Seesu’s phone rings]
PLECK: [quietly] That’s actually not true…
SEESU: Sorry, I have to take a call, but I am focusing and I am walking.
DAR: Yeah, AJ, why don't you go check the perimeter?
AJ: [charges blaster and shouts] Check the perimeter, let's keep our heads on a swivel! Let's form a perimeter out there! [AJ runs off]
C-53: I gotta be honest, I sort of imagined the Wiggles estate would be in slightly better condition than this.
DAR: You mean better than crumbling and falling to the ground?
C-53: Yeah, I was trying to put it more diplomatically, but exactly, yeah.
[AJ returns]
AJ: Hey, I just did a perimeter. This house is like falling apart, it kind of sucks.
PLECK: Thank you, AJ.
AJ: Okay, perimeter established.
PLECK: It is beautiful though, right? I mean, you know, in a sort of--
C-53: Hauntingly gothic, sort of way.
PLECK: Yeah, exactly.
SEESU: All right, we've reached the front door. I am supposed to give a poem for the door to open.
PLECK: Hmm.
DAR: I mean, it's fallen down, so we could just cross the threshold.
C-53: We could just walk through…
SEESU: I believe in protocol. [Seesu pulls out a piece of paper]
DAR: Oh, sure.
C-53: I have to respect it.
SEESU: Mm-hmm. I am but a tiny seed, from which I fly endlessly. Open thy door and let me in. My name is Seesu Gundu.
PLECK: [laughing] Oh, you wrote the poem. At the beginning, I thought-- Okay, never mind.
[The Dame calls from across the mansion]
DAME: Welcome, Miss Seesu. A tiny seed you are.
SEESU: Dame Wiggles, it is an honor to meet you. Where are you? I don't see you.
C-53: Do you see the shadow way up at the top of this staircase?
SEESU: Oh, okay, hello.
DAME: I've been expecting you.
PLECK: Really?
AJ: How's that possible?
[the Dame walks down the stairs]
DAME: I always wake up expecting someone. That way, I'm never surprised!
SEESU: Also, I made an appointment online.
PLECK: Oh, yeah, that's good.
DAME: I assume you're here for my memories.
C-53: You would be correct, Dame Wiggles.
DAR: We're just cutting right to the chase.
DAME: And are you not intimidated by the beauty of my opulent mansion?
PLECK: Oh, um, we were actually just talking about that.
DAME: Have you ever seen such splendor?
C-53: Uh…
DAR: No, we've never seen anything like this. No.
PLECK: Dame Wiggles, it must take a lot of work to keep a manor this large in good shape.
DAME: Oh, yes, but my little helpers tend to that. Where are my little helpers? Helper, helper, get to tending!
[mice run across the ground]
MICE: Squeak, squeak!
C-53: It's just these mice?
DAME: Yes, indeed.
C-53: Hm. Explains why a lot of the structural problems aren’t being addressed.
AJ: If anybody wants to know what this smell is, there's a couple of little helpers that may not have made it in the corner there-
DAR: No no no shhh…
SEESU: I'm sorry, everybody. I need to take this other call right now. It's very important. But I will be back, and I am focused, and I am ready to learn about what in the past has caused the future to be the way it is. [opens phone] Okay. Joanna, what is this about? [strolls off]
C-53: She just walked away.
DAR: She's been taking calls the entire time.
PLECK: Isn't she the one who's supposed to-
C-53: It’s like, we're going to get the information that she wants…?
PLECK: And she came back just to tell us she had to stay on the call?
[the mice have a quick aside]
MOUSE: Squeak squeak it’s Seesu!
MOUSE: I was going to vote for her, but I don't know.
MOUSE: Her numbers are low, though. She seems too ambitious!
PLECK: So, Dame Wiggles, have you lived here in the manor your whole life?
AJ: Yeah, were you to the manor born?
PLECK: [baffled] What?
DAME: [grabbing a bag of powder and a stick] What a question. And what a history there is to answer such a question.
DAR: She's taking out a little bag of-
[The Dame blows powder over everyone’s face and they’re sucked into a formless wormhole!]
CREW: [shouting]
C-53: Wow! Now this is a manor.
DAR: Yeah, this is opulent. This is-
PLECK: What is happening? Where are we?
[The Dame’s mother opens the door]
MAMA: Adelaide, my sweet child, would you like your coffee out on the terrace or in the bath?
DAME: There I am. You've traveled back in one of my memories, and there I am as but a young girl!
DAR: [confused] She looks the same.
C-53: You look exactly the same.
AJ: Still old… looking.
YOUNG DAME: [splashing around] Please, Mama, I'll take everything in the bath.
DAME: That's me.
C-53: That makes sense.
PLECK: Dame Wiggles, this is one of your memories?
DAME: It is indeed.
PLECK: This is incredible.
DAME: One of my most precious. Keep watching.
PLECK: Okay.
MAMA: Of course, my little darling daughter. But before we do, let us say goodbye to your dear papa as he goes off to war. [opens door]
YOUNG DAME: Goodbye, Papa!
DAME: As you can see…
PAPA: I'm going off to war.
DAME: My papa was going to war.
PAPA: To kill the enemy!
PLECK: Oh, boy.
PAPA: And hopefully not be killed myself!
AJ: They’re all old…
YOUNG DAME: Goodbye.
MAMA: What a brave man you are, Lysula.
C-53: [astonished] Wait a minute. Lysula Wiggles?
DAME: Yes.
DAR: Oh, right…
C-53: This is the war of the Tenershian Oligarchs. This is 400 years ago!
DAME: It is indeed. This actually wasn't the last time I saw him. He was in a commander's position, ultimately kept far away from the fighting.
PLECK: Oh, so he survived the war.
DAME: Oh, yes.
AJ: So why are we in this memory?
PAPA: Fear not, I will be in a bunker! Deep inside another bunker.
AJ: I mean, but… I guess my question is how do we get out of this?
PLECK: That's a good question. Dame Wiggles, how do we leave?
DAME: Oh, never you mind that.
[The Dame hits her stick on the ground and another wormhole opens]
CREW: [Screaming]
DAR: Oh, okay. So you just hit the old stick on the ground and then we go back to the present out of the memories.
DAME: Dust to go, stick to return. It's actually quite easy.
C-53: Fairly simple system.
PLECK: [laughing] But the stick, you can't use the stick to go.
C-53: You would never use the stick to go-
DAME: [angrily] Oh, no, you can never use the stick to go, you ridiculous boy.
PLECK: Oh, sorry. Okay.
DAME: Oh, you know, many years ago you'd get killed for a question like that. Foolishness.
C-53: She's actually not wrong about that.
DAR: I mean, I wouldn't mind seeing that.
DAME: Oh, well!
[The Dame blows more powder and the crew travels again]
CREW: [Screaming]
[The crew lands in a lively crowd, all cheering someone’s execution]
DAME: [chipper] And here we have an execution!
PLECK: What did he do?
AJ: Wow, you're there.
DAR: You're operating the guillotine.
DAME: Oh, yeah.
EEDYUH: If only I hadn't asked that innocent question, my life would be- [blade drops] AGH
DAME: It was my first job as an adolescent manning this guillotine.
C-53 AND AJ: Adolescent?
C-53: She looks… ancient.
PLECK: Hey, you really -- I mean, I guess I should say, Dame Wiggles, you haven't aged a day since this memory.
DAME: Thank you.
EEDYUH: [gasping] The blade is rather dull if you could… drop it again!
AJ: Oh. Oh. Hey, look. Look, I can put my hand through his body because we're not actually here!
PLECK: AJ, that's rude.
[AJ smacks Eedyuh]
EEDYUH: Ouch. Ouch!
C-53: He shouldn’t be able to feel that..
PLECK: Oh, he's feeling it.
C-53: He can feel that, that’s very weird.
DAME: Oh, no, it does harm him in real life. It does. It actually -- it's an interesting bit of magic, but you have hurt him badly.
AJ: Oh.
EEDYUH: I’m… still alive!
YOUNG DAME: Quiet, you!
[Young Dame tazes him]
DAR: So we can also interact with your memories.
DAME: Certainly. He'll spend the rest of his life wondering what happened to him that day, and he will never know!
PLECK: The rest of his life… He's literally -- there's a guillotine in the back of his head.
C-53: Yeah, his head is half connected to hi-
DAME: Well, his final moments are filled with questions then, aren't they?
EEDYUH: I… This makes no sense.
PLECK: [sad] Oh, poor guy.
EEDYUH: Where did they come from?
YOUNG DAME: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
PLECK: Oh, another innocent question.
C-53: [laughing] AJ, stop poking your hands in there.
DAME: Anyway, I eventually quit this job.
PLECK: Yeah, good call.
EEDYUH: Don't quit before I'm dead!
DAME: The hours were unbelievable. The hours were ridiculous. Morning, noon, and night was absolutely exhausting.
AJ: So I totally get what we learned by coming to this part.
PLECK: The dangers of asking innocent questions.
AJ: Yeah, like, and summer jobs suck, too, right?
PLECK: I guess that's part of it, yes.
C-53: Most of them are pretty bad.
DAME: Absolutely!
PLECK: Pretty gory way to learn that lesson, I think.
DAME: Is there something else you wanted? I thought you wanted to see an execution.
PLECK: No, actually, we didn't.
C-53: No, I think we’re-
DAME: I can show you another one! [powders the crew, they travel once more]
CREW: [Screaming]
[the crew arrives at a scene, the person being executed trapped in chains]
DAME: This one was one of my favorites, and I didn't even do this one.
EXECUTIONER: Take the leg off! Put it in a sandwich!
C-53: Oh, wow.
PLECK: Oh, no, I don't like this.
DAME: And you know what he did?
PLECK: What?
DAR: No idea.
DAME: [angrily] He did a ridiculous dance at an inappropriate time.
PLECK: Oh.
DAR: Pleck, show her your dance.
PLECK: [Humming and dancing]
DAR: Was it like this? Was it like this dance?
EXECUTIONER: Someone is dancing inappropriately!
AJ: [baffled] Wait, no, this is a memory.
PLECK: [confused] They can see us?!
DAME: Well, normally we just observe the memories, but if you dance around like an idiot, you're bound to draw some attention.
C-53: Oh, boy.
PLECK: [frantic] No, do the stick thing. Do the stick. Use the stick!
AJ: Stick!
EXECUTIONER: [shouting] Put his leg in a sandwich. Put his leg in the butter. Put him in a sandwich!
DAME: If you insist.
EXECUTIONER: Put mayonnaise on his face!
[The Dame hits the stick against the floor and the crew returns]
CREW: [Screaming]
EXECUTIONER: Where'd the leg go? We wanted his leg sandwich.
DAME: Oh, no, I brought him. I brought him.
[the crew cracks up]
PLECK: What?
AJ: What are the rules!?
DAME: I brought him.
AJ: -the memories.
PLECK: Hold on, hold on.
AJ: We can touch them, they can see us.
EXECUTIONER: Am I still eating his leg?
AJ: [upset] What's happening? Because they were eating him like a sandwich.
DAME: We used to do that.
EXECUTIONER: Used to?
C-53: It's going to be very confusing for this guy.
DAME: [rings bell] Servants, my little helpers, take him and explain to him everything that's happening.
MICE: Squeak!
[The mice walk off with the executioner]
EXECUTIONER: Oh, so this is the future, is it?
DAME: It is.
[Seesu runs up to the crew, sending off emails]
SEESU: All right, checking in. Sorry, crew, I'm in the middle of doing 20 things at once. Again, thank you so much for bearing with me. Dame, I am ready.
PLECK: You know, Seesu, actually, we've been in a couple memories already!
SEESU: Yeah.
C-53: It’s pretty intense.
SEESU: Yeah, yeah.
PLECK: Also, that guy is from one of the memories.
SEESU: Oh.
EXECUTIONER: [shouting from the corner] It's making more sense now!
SEESU: Okay.
PLECK: Good, good. Wow, real progressive old-timey guy!
SEESU: Hi, Seesu Gundu, nominee for galactic leader. Nice to meet you.
[the Executioner messes around with Seesu’s datapad]
EXECUTIONER: This datapad is weird.
C-53: They are, yes.
SEESU: Are you a registered voter?
EXECUTIONER: A what?
SEESU: Okay.
PLECK: Listen, Dame- Dame Wiggles, these memories have been great, but could we maybe try going to a memory that would be a little more relevant to Seesu's, you know, mission?
DAME: Absolutely! [powder, travel]
DAR: Dust in the face!
CREW: [Screaming]
[the crew arrives on a Holowood set!]
DAME: Welcome!
DAR: All right, so, Seesu, this is a memory.
SEESU: Oh, sorry, I'm in the middle of seven conference calls right now. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm observing. Gerald, we’ll need the-
DAME: Now, this is one of my most favorite memories.
PLECK: Okay.
DAME: Where I have the most delightful set of biscuits.
[a bell rings]
CREW: Oh.
PLECK: That's nice.
DAME: There I am, right over there.
DAR: Oh.
PLECK: This looks like sort of like a-
PLECK AND C-53: -craft services table.
DAME: Mm-hmm.
PLECK: How is visiting the set of a holo going to help Seesu?
[Bargie flies up]
BARGIE: Alright, where’s the director, huh?
DAR AND C-53: Whoa.
PLECK: It's Bargie!
C-53: Now Bargie, looks great.
PLECK: There’s chrome everywhere. There’s velvet on the loading dock.
C-53: She’s got a real twinkle in her engine!
BARGIE: I have some questions about the script, okay? Is anyone available to talk to me about it? I'm Bargie.
DIRECTOR: Yeah, sure, no problem. This is a big scene with you and the Dame. It's going to be good!
BARGIE: Here's the thing. I don't think my character would act this way, you know? I don't believe in it.
DIRECTOR: Oh, see, here's the thing. It doesn't matter what you think, because I wrote it, and you're in it.
BARGIE: [angrily] How dare-
AJ: Wait, here's a question. Is there like a crew of us inside of Bargie?
PLECK: No, this is maybe-
DAR: No, this a very old memory.
PLECK: This is decades before we joined the crew.
AJ: Oh, okay. Because, I don't know. It feels like everything's up for grabs, so.
PLECK: Yeah, Dame Wiggles, what's the name of the film?
[beat]
PLECK: She's just housing those biscuits.
C-53: [laughing] Yeah, she’s really… that’s two plates so far!
DAME: The name of the film was Ship, Please.
C-53: Ship, Please. A classic!
DAR: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
PLECK: You were in Ship, Please?
DAME: Yes, I was. Yes, I was.
C-53: Wait, but there's no Dame Adelaide Wiggles in the credits of Ship, Please.
DAME: That's because I performed under my stage name.
C-53: Of course.
DAME: Mm-hmm. Joan Crawford.
DAR: Joan Crawford.
C-53: Of course!
DIRECTOR: [into megaphone] So this scene is a wonderful scene in the film where Dame Wiggles, of course Joan as we know her, is testing your doorbell, Barge.
BARGIE: All right. Hi, Joan. Nice to meet you. My name is the Bargerean Jade.
DIRECTOR: Oh, we should have introduced you. Sorry.
AJ: Wait, so who are they-- are they talking-- which one are we talking to? Are we talking to the one that's-- the old one or the old-- which is the old one?
C-53: Okay, AJ, this is going to be kind of a difficult time for you in general. But know that we're back in this memory with Dame Adelaide Wiggles, the one we met in the manor, but there's another Adelaide Wiggles, and she's doing the scene with Bargie. Does that make sense?
AJ: [whispering] Can I be honest with you guys? I hate this. I hate this. It's confusing to me, and I don't like timey-wimey stuff, you know?
C-53: Yeah, that’s fair.
PLECK: Well, I don't think it's timey-wimey, AJ. It's just a memory. It's more like a sort of a fishbowl.
AJ: It's confusing.
PA: Hold for room tone. Hold for room tone.
AJ: [shouting] Holding for room tone! That I get.
C-53: Do you feel better now?
DAME: And this is where I blew it.
PLECK: Oh, no.
AJ: Oh, no.
DAME: I couldn't stop eating those cookies, and I was crunch, crunch, crunching through room tone, and that's why Ship, Please is my first and last film.
PLECK: I was going to say--
C-53: [realizing] Joan Crawford, just in the background of Ship, Please, never in a scene.
PLECK: Wow.
DAR: But this is still one of your favorite memories?
DAME: The biscuits were that good, and I remember them vividly to this day. [crunch]
C-53: Well, you’re eating one right now.
DAME: Yes, that's why I come back to this memory.
C-53: That makes sense.
AJ: Wait, hold on. So you can eat the food in the memories, and you taste them past you? No, current you tastes them–[sobbing]
DAME: Current me tastes the past cookies.
C-53: AJ, it’s okay, it’s okay.
PLECK: I have a question. The more you come back, are there fewer biscuits on the plate because you've been eating them as present you traveling back to the memory?
DAME: [upset] That is a question for another day! [hits stick, the crew returns]
CREW: [SCREAMING]
C-53: Pleck, you've got to watch yourself with these questions.
PLECK: I'm sorry. I've got to just take a back seat.
DAR: No, you're the second lieutenant-inent. Ask all the stupid questions you want.
C-53: Guys, do you see Seesu anywhere?
DAR: Oh no…
PLECK: Where is Seesu?
DAR: Last I saw, she was on a call by the carousel in the memory.
PLECK: Hold on a second. So we are traveling! If we can leave Seesu in a memory, we're effectively traveling back in time!
DAME: Oh, yes.
MOUSE: [SQUEAKING] Who’s Seesu, I've never heard of her before!
DAME: Don't you trouble your pretty little head about it.
PLECK: Wait, so–
MOUSE: I’m up to date on politics but I’ve never heard of Seesu!
PLECK: [worried] Oh, no. We've left her in the memory! She's ceased to exist. [bracingly] AJ, you're not going to like this. I know you hate timey-wimey stuff.
AJ: What? What happened?
PLECK: We left Seesu in the memory.
DAR: And in fact, only exists now in the past.
AJ: [shouting] But how do we know about it? The mice don't know, but we--
C-53: But we traveled to the memory with-
PLECK: We were there. We were there with her.
AJ: Oh, my head hurts.
C-53: AJ…
DAR: And honestly, it would just be completely insane for us not to know who Seesu is anymore.
[crew laughs]
PLECK: We wouldn't have been here in the first place.
AJ: Oh my head.
PLECK: Dame Wiggles, we have to return to that memory on the set of Ship, Please.
AJ: We have to remember that memory or travel back in time? What do we– [crying]
C-53: [aside] This is a very hard time for our friend, Dame Wiggles, we apologize…
DAME: Oh, it's fine. He's not the first person to break down in Wiggles' manor over some memory hopping, I assure you.
AJ: [worried] Don’t take us to that memory, please..
C-53: Yeah, now is maybe not the greatest time to-
DAR: I mean, I wouldn’t min-
PLECK: No, no, no.
DAME: Are we sure?
PLECK: Yeah, no, no, no.
DAME: Are we sure?
PLECK: No doubt.
DAME: It's a fun one.
DAR: Let’s do it!
PLECK: Don't blow that-- no.
DAME: I'm wearing a hilarious hat. Let's do it! [blows powder, travels with crew]
CREW: No! [SCREAMING]
[the crew arrives to the Dame’s manor where a previous group is breaking down]
DAME: See, look at my little hat.
BROTHER: [breaking down] I can't handle it. I can't handle it, Dame Wiggles. No, you can't do it again. My brother's in one of your memories!
DROID: You gotta forgive us, Adelaide. Our friend's having a real rough day today with this.
DAME: Oh, he's not the first one to have a mental breakdown!
AJ: Oh no…
DROID: [shouting] No, no, don't take us! Don't take us! Don't take us!
DAR: We're about to see a memory of a memory.
AJ: [upset] Wait, how is that possible?!
[The Dame blows more powder, crew travels]
CREW PLUS NEWBIES: [SCREAMING]
[the crew arrives on the same Holowood set]
DAME: Oh, and this one's fun, too. This one, I've got the most delightful little ring.
C-53: Wait, so now there's-- just to be clear here-- so there's you and the Adelaide Wiggles we met. There's the Adelaide Wiggles in the memory we were just in, who took us this memory. And now there's the Adelaide Wiggles whose memory we're currently watching!
DAME: Mmmhmm!
PLECK: And we're back on the set of Ship, Please!
C-53: Back on the set of Ship, Please!
AJ: [crying] My nose is bleeding!
DAME: But you can tell which one I am because I don't have the hat or the ring, and I'm not eating biscuits.
C-53: Yes, well, you are eating a biscuit right now.
PLECK: Just one, just one.
DAME: Well, yes, well, this is.. I had to have one. If we're going to be back here again, I had to have one.
SEESU: [projecting] Quiet, please. We're going to start this scene again.
PLECK: It's Seesu! Seesu.
DAR: Seesu's directing.
C-53: Where’d she get those pants with the jodhpurs and the megaphone?
SEESU: Bargie, I love what you did in the last scene, but I feel like you weren't exactly there. You know what I mean? I want you to go inside and find the child Bargie with the-- use it in your acting.
BARGIE: Wow.
PLECK: That's actually pretty good…
C-53: That's actually pretty good direction, pretty solid.
DAME: Are you sure you want us to take her back? She’s really making the film better!
SEESU: Hey, can we get some tighter pants on the extras?
C-53: No, we got to grab her, we gotta grab her-
SEESU: --doing lunches for five minutes.
DAR: Hey Seesu?
SEESU: Sorry, if you want to speak to me, you need to speak to my assistant. Thank you.
PLECK: Wait, Seesu, why are you directing Ship, Please?
SEESU: Ah, yes, to be a director is such a story, right? It starts at the beginning, which is the director earlier this afternoon had a mental breakdown because there were no more tiny little cookies. So if no one's going to do anything, I'm going to take over and use my artistic integrity to make this piece even better.
PLECK: Wow.
SEESU: Now, which union are you from?
DAR: Oh, what?
PLECK: Seesu, it's us, your crew.
SEESU: Yeah. Oh, the union crew. Yes, we'll definitely be having a meeting–
PLECK: Wait a minute. Hold on a second. This is the same day as the memory before, but she doesn't remember us anymore.
AJ: Oh, wait, what?
PLECK: [confused and upset] That doesn't even make sense, knowing it doesn't make sense!
DAR: Wait, I know how we're going to get her back. AJ, take off your helmet.
[AJ wriggles out of his helmet]
DAR: Hey, Seesu?
SEESU: Yes, hi.
DAR: Have you met my friend here?
SEESU: Oh, hello.
AJ: Hey there.
SEESU: I'm sorry, we’ve-
AJ: Sorry about my nose.
C-53: Yeah, a lotta blood…
SEESU: Are you in a-- [gurgling] Are you an actor? Or… I'm sorry, I-- you look so familiar, but I don't know--
AJ: [slowly] She seems into me, but I don't want it to be like this.
PLECK: You got this, AJ. Keep going.
DAR: AJ, give it all you got. That's a direct order.
AJ: Sir, yes, sir! [dramatic music plays, AJ talks slowly] Listen, you don't belong here. None of us do. And if you know what's good for you, you come back with us to where you belong.
PLECK: What’s he doing with his voice? Why’s his voice sound like th-
AJ: I don't know. I don't know, but it's-- [vomiting]
PLECK: Oh no!
C-53: I don't know, but it's really compelling.
SEESU: I'm so into it.
DAR: I think we can go back now.
C-53: Dame Wiggles, if we could perhaps request the stick.
DAME: All right. [thud, travels]
DIRECTOR: Who took the biscu-
CREW: [screaming]
[the crew plus Seesu arrives back at the manor]
PLECK: Seesu. Seesu, are you all right?
SEESU: [slowly] Yes, sorry. I have a bit of a migraine. I guess that's what happens when you go to the-- I'm sorry. What year is it? What's happening? Who am I? Am I–
C-53: You’re Commander Seesu Gundu, you're running for leader of the galaxy.
SEESU: Of course, yes.
C-53: We’re your… crew.
DAR: [hastily] We're your favorite crew.
DAR AND C-53: We're your favorite crew.
PLECK: Yeah, most successful… crew.
SEESU: Wow.
DAR: Yes.
AJ: [vomiting]
PLECK: AJ, all right.
C-53: AJ, maybe-
DAME: Perfectly natural. Perfectly natural.
SEESU: Wow. Dame, I-- that was so many things.
PLECK: Dame Wiggles, what--
DAME: You're welcome.
PLECK: Can you explain what just happened?
DAME: [clears throat] Well, if it wasn't obvious already, we have been traveling through time. We left Miss Seesu back in one of my memories. If you spend too much time in one of the memories, you start to get folded into the memories. And that, my dears, is what you've been experiencing.
DAR: You know, time travel explanations are never satisfying.
PLECK: [upset] But these feel less satisfying than most, honestly. These feel, like, made up.
DAR: Yeah.
SEESU: Well, I have to thank you. I've never felt such respect as I did in that moment, being in charge of Ship, Please, which-- wow. I'm just checking up on one of my tablets right now, and the rating of Ship, Please went from 1 1/2 stars to 3 1/2 stars.
DAR: Wow, so that's going to change things for Bargie, isn't it?
C-53: Also, it says, "Co-directed by Seesu Gundu."
SEESU: That's me.
AJ: [breaking down] I thought you got folded into the memory. What the-how would you?
C-53: AJ…
DAME: She did. She did. And now she's back. As a reward for traveling through time and space, I will now give you--
AJ: We get rewards?! [sobbing]
DAME: Seesu gets a reward.
AJ: [charging blaster] What's the RULES of the reward?
C-53: AJ, calm down-
AJ: [screaming] WHAT ARE THE RULES?!
C-53: I’m just gonna…. I'm gonna to take him outside for a couple minutes. Get some fresh air.
AJ: THERE HAVE TO BE RULES!
C-53: AJ…
[C-53 and AJ walk off]
DAME: This has happened many times before. I've seen it.
SEESU: [Seesu’s phone rings] I'm sorry. I have a call. I apologize. I have another call. So y'all just–
PLECK: [upset] Seesu, this is import- Seesu, just pay attention to this part.
SEESU: Really, Pleck? You know what is very important also is trying to unify a galaxy.
PLECK: Who is that call with? You literally just--
SEESU: Peter, let's talk about--
DAR: Pleck, Pleck, please. Pleck, she's your boss.
PLECK: [angrily] I am the second lieutenantinent on this ship, and I will--
DAR: All right, I have to strip you of your title. You're done.
C-53: Wow.
PLECK: What?
DAR: You don't yell at Seesu.
PLECK: [tiny] OK, all right.
C-53: Dame Wiggles, you had a reward.
DAME: Anyway, I was going to give you this delightful ring. I stole it from my memory when I remembered it.
DAR: Oh! Yeah, the tiny ring.
DAME: My little tiny ring. Isn't it adorable? It's very cute.
PLECK: Wait, hold on, hold on. If you stole the ring from the memory, then the other you that traveled back with the guy whose brother got stuck, she wouldn't say, look at the cute ring I'm wearing. And also, we wouldn't be able to tell the difference between you with the ring and you without the ring in the time we went back to that memory the second time. Oh, my nose is bleeding! This doesn't make sense! How would we ever be able to--
DAME: Enjoy the little ring, Pleck.
C-53: Okay, I’m just gonna take him out of here…
[C-53 marches Pleck out]
PLECK: [breaking down screaming] No! No, I don't want the ring! Put it back! You have to put it back in the past!
DAR: Well, I've had a great time, and I'm not going to question time travel at all. But now that it's just the two of us, I do have a favor to ask.
DAME: Anything, my dear.
DAR: I just-- I'm starting to regret stripping Pleck of his title. I mean, I just gave it to him, and I feel like it-- you know, he was starting to click back into the crew. Could we-- could we just go back, like, five minutes?
DAME: Like five minutes?
DAR: Yeah.
DAME: Five minutes? OK, yeah, no problem. [blows powder, Dar and the Dame travel back]
DAR: Dust in the face!
PAST AJ: [sobbing] It has to make sense!
PAST DAME: This has happened many times before, I’ve seen it.
PAST SEESU: [Seesu’s phone rings] I'm sorry, I have a call. I apologize, I have another call.
DAR: [aside] OK, now, at what point can I interact with my past self and change the future?
DAME: Uhhh. You could do it now. Once you make the choice to jump in, you're in, baby.
DAR: OK, so I can just run in there and tackle myself.
DAME: Run in, and then I’ll see ya. It's fine.
PAST DAR: Okay, I have to strip you of your ti-
DAR: Don't say it, Dar!
[Dar tackles Past Dar]
PRESENT PLECK, I JUCKING GUESS: Oh. Oh, there's--
PAST DAR: Excuse me, get off of me.
DAR: No, no, no, this is important. You're about to make a grave error.
PLECK: Dar!
C-53: Is that two Dar's?
PLECK: I mean, it could be Dar and Horsehat. Could be Dar's Dad.
C-53: Oh, but they both have Dar's voice!
PLECK: Oh, that's a good point.
DAR: I only gave it to him, like, 30 minutes ago.
PLECK: Dar, Dar, what's happening?
DAR: I'm trying to fix something right now.
PAST DAR: I-- but I feel like he really overreached there.
DAR: I mean, yeah, watching it again, I'm like–
C-53: Am I crazy, or are they really vibing right now?
PLECK: Yeah, they’re-
PAST DAR: Am I crazy, but are we really vibing?
DAR: We are really vibing right now.
PLECK: Oh, boy. OK.
C-53: [deadpan] So there's just two Dars now?
DAME: Yes.
PLECK: Hey, Dar.
PAST DAR: Hi.
PLECK: Hey, Dar.
DAR: 'Sup?
C-53: Ah, boy.
AJ: [tentative] Is everything OK? What's happened?
C-53: Okay. It's not bad.
PLECK: Everything's pretty much normal, yep.
AJ: Okay.
C-53: Um, there… there are two Dars.
AJ: [screaming] WHAT ARE THE RULES OF THIS?
PLECK: Wait, hold on. AJ, isn't this what you've been training for? This is a classic time loop. You love time loops!
AJ: I've been training because it's bad! I'm prepared for them because I hate them! You don't train for stuff that is fun! Like, why would you-- I'm leaving. I'm leaving!
C-53: Yeah, well-
AJ: I'll be outside.
DARS: That was to be expected.
PLECK: OK. Yeah.
C-53: Um, Dame Wiggles, we really thank you for this experience. It's been--
DAME: Oh, you're welcome.
C-53: --eye-opening. But we never really learned what the past is supposed to teach us about the present. You know, we were supposed to bring some sort of lesson back to Seesu.
PLECK: Yeah, where is Seesu?
[Seesu walks in]
SEESU: Dame, good news. I figured it out. Everything is perfect. Thank you, Dame. Everything you said came quite clear. And I've definitely learned my lesson of how to move ahead in this election.
DAME: You're quite welcome.
PLECK: Wait.
SEESU: Correct, everybody?
PLECK: Wait… I guess-- what did you learn, Seesu?
SEESU: [proudly] Well, Second Lieutenant-inent Pleck, I've learned it at the end of the day. No matter what, through thick and thin, it's all about keeping it tight. And, Dame, I think I've kept it very tight.
DAR: Oh. Yeah.
PAST DAR: Love that.
PLECK: OK.
SEESU: And, Dame Wiggles, I know you only have five more minutes left of your life, because that is the natural progression of your species.
PLECK: That can't be--
DAME: [cheerful] Indeed I do.
PAST DAR: Five minutes?
DAR: Five minutes? Oy.
DAME: And what a five minutes it shall be, all of us together.
SEESU: Is there any final memory that you'd like to take us?
DAME: Oh. Well, I suppose there is. [powder, travels]
CREW: [screaming]
[the crew arrives on a very familiar planet, with AJ in tow]
AJ: Wait, why am I-- what happened? Why am I in this memory?
PLECK: Wait, why is AJ here?
DAME: I just thought it'd be fun to bring him along. I just thought it would be fun.
AJ: The dust wasn’t ON ME!
C-53: AJ, alright, I’m taking you aside-
AJ: [freaking out] The dust wasn’t on me! How does it even happen?
DAR: Wait. Hey, Pleck.
PLECK: Wait, hold on a second.
DAR: Pleck, does this look familiar to you?
[we’ve returned to the very first episode of Mission to Zyxx! Past Past Pleck is introducing the crew!]
PLECK: I feel like- Yeah, this place, I've been here before. [excited] Wait a second… this is Flurp. Look, over there, that's us, back when we were working for the Federated Alliance.
PAST DAR: Dame Wiggles, were you-- were you here when we met with the Kula?
DAME: Yes, I was. I was right over there. Look. This was the day that I lost my delicate little opera gloves, and you can see me right over there, and I'm looking for them all over the place. They were such lovely lace, and I never once found them again.
PLECK: Dar, look, look! It's me--oh my Rodd. Remember those koozies that we had that we gave out to everybody?
DAR: Oh, right.
PLECK: Why would we do that?
DAR: As if that was something that anyone wanted.
PAST DAR: I remember this.
SEESU: Hey, guys, I just want to clarify that I am paying attention, but I am also writing my novel and a speech-
PLECK: [confused] You’re writing something fictional right now, Seesu?
SEESU: -and I have seven conversations going on in my earpiece. So I'm paying attention, though.
PLECK: Dar.
SEESU: Hodgins, let's break through the clutter! Jer-
PLECK: Oh, Dar. You know, listen, I've thought about this a lot. I've always really owed you a real apology for shooting you. Oh, boy, it's going to happen.
C-53: Oh, Pleck, here it comes.
PAST DAR: Oh, no.
[Past Past Pleck royally jucks up, in the commotion of running away they shoot Past Past Dar]
PAST PAST DAR: Runnin-AGH!
[gunshot]
DAME: I was so startled by the gunshot.
DAR: Yeah, Pleck shot me. [laughs] Shot me good.
C-53: [worried] Dar, you aren’t… getting back up.
PLECK: Dar. Dar…
DAR: Why aren’t I getting back up?
PAST DAR: Why aren't one of us getting back up?
DAME: Oh, well, this is the part where I found a napkin that I thought was one of my little gloves, and so I wasn't really paying attention to what happened here because I was so excited, and then it turned out to be a napkin, if you can believe it.
PLECK: No, hold on. Dame Wiggles, this is all wrong. Dar isn't following us. Dar got on the ship with us. We all left.
DAR: Right, we were running back to the ship.
PAST DAR: No, it was chaotic.
DAR: Pleck misfired.
PAST DAR: Pleck shot me right here near my brain.
DAR: Just left of the brain.
PAST DAR: Yeah. And then, of course, you know, as we were running, I-- Oh.
DAR: Wait a second. [long pause] I died.
PLECK: What?
PAST DAR: I died.
PLECK: No, no, you got on the ship with us, and then we went off and we talked to Nermut.
C-53: Yeah, Dar, I have video of you getting shot.
PLECK: You can't fake that. That was on the cube of a Federated Alliance sanction-
DAR: Do you have actual proof of me getting shot and then getting up, or just that I was shot and then later you saw me?
C-53: Yeah, I don't have that file anymore.
PLECK: This doesn't make any sense.
DAME: Well, you know, I'm just a little old lady with only five minutes to live.
C-53: …it’s… probably more like three minutes to live, but-
PAST DAR: I think I know what I have to do.
DAR: No, you can't do this.
PAST DAR: I have to!
[Past Dar sweeps Dar into a kiss]
PLECK: Oh, wow, sensual.
C-53: So locked in with each other.
PAST DAR: AJ, this is going to be a strange order, but I'm your captain, and I need you to take out your butt gun and shoot me.
AJ: Okay, no question here. Let's do this! [ejects butt gun and charges]
PAST DAR: [frantic] Not just anywhere! I need it to be in a specific nonlethal spot left in my brain.
AJ: Right here?
PAST DAR: Uh-huh.
AJ: You got it.
[AJ shoots and Past Past Bargie takes off as Past Dar enters]
PAST DAR: Ah!
PLECK: Dar, no, Dar, come back!
DAR: No, let Dar go. I mean, that Dar, I'm going to stay right here. That Dar is going to get on Bargie with all of you right now.
PLECK: Wait a second. So if that Dar got onto the ship with us, that's the Dar that has been with us this whole time. Dar, that's you. You're that Dar! From before. Oh, my nose is bleeding.
DAR: Oh, no, now everyone's nose is bleeding.
C-53: Ah! My faceplate is leaking!
AJ: This sucks ASS!
DAME: All right, all right, it's time to go! [thud, travels]
CREW: [screaming]
C-53: Dar, are you okay?
DAR: I think I'm okay. It was really hard to see me go, but… but I love to watch me walk away.
C-53: Alright. Okay. Well, it’s definitely the same Dar.
DAME: That's beautiful.
PLECK: Wait a second, hold on, hold on, hold on. Dar, why don't you remember doing that?
C-53: Dame Wiggles, if I may?
DAME: Yes.
C-53: I believe you mentioned that somebody left behind a memory would adapt to that timeline, thus their memory of the future would dissipate within moments. So, Dar, my guess is you lost your memory of the future when we left you in the past.
AJ: [cheerfully] Hey, guys, what did I miss? I just mind wiped myself.
C-53: Perfect!
DAR: Nothing at all.
PLECK: Then great, nothing at all. Okay, this is Dame Wiggles.
AJ: Oh, hi!
DAME: Hello, I'm about to die!
AJ: Oh, I'm so sorry.
DAME: Momentarily I'll be dying.
MICE: Squeak squeak squeak!
DAME: Yes, my little servants, it's my time. I trust you all got everything that you needed?
C-53: Y’know, I think we did.
PLECK: In a way, we really did.
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: Did we? I don't remember.
DAME: Well, Miss Seesu, I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.
SEESU: Yes, absolutely. [aside] Trevor, tell me the numbers!
PLECK: [solemnly] Dame Wiggles, you know, it seems silly coming in the last seconds of your life, but thank you.
DAME: Well, you're all very welcome.
C-53: Also, Dame Wiggles, if I may, you sh-
[Dame Wiggles collapses]
PLECK: Oh, she's dead.
DAR: Choked on a biscuit. Yep, she's dead.
C-53: Her pockets are FULL of these biscuits… they’re spilling out!
PLECK: Well, she died doing what she loved, mowing down on biscuits and traveling through time.
AJ: [worried] Wait, what? We did time travel stuff?
C-53: Alright, I’m gonna take you outta here.
AJ: No, wait, no, I don't want to--
[transition, Hark Tardigast’s hyperdrive suddenly rips itself out of dimensional space]
HARK: Hello! Ha ha, it worked! By the lord Rodd above, it jucking worked! This is... I am... Hark! Hark Tardigast! I was a pilot, yes, eons ago. Or was it just moments ago? I was locked in an endless psychedelic prison between dimensions, a paradoxical checkmate between layers of reality shifting through my very being as I was transported between digital, ephemeral, psychic, and physical planes. I met myself in many forms, saw the Big Bang and the heat death of the universe, always fighting tooth and nail to return to my own reality. For a brief moment I was able to communicate with my old rebel commander and trivia night partner, Seesu Gundu, but the decryption algorithm, known only to her trusted comrade Dale, must have gotten lost or corrupted somehow. But my continued efforts were not in vain. The eternal dimensional loop in which I found myself ensnared was finally broken as I witnessed a rift in the space-time continuum through which I saw Seesu, Seesu herself, traveling between realities, crossing paths with herself in the past, presumably in an effort to locate me along her own experiential timeline. Because, as Dale is undoubtedly aware, when two temporal paradoxes collide, they create a link back to the present. It was there that I spied my single chance in infinity to slip back into my own reality. But how was I able to slip through the nearly dimensionless rift, you ask? Well, this transmission, and indeed my very corporeal existence, is brought to you by Manscaped, dedicated to being the best in men's below-the-belt grooming. Yes, my chiseled hirsute body would never have squeezed between dimensions without a long overdue trim. The amount of friction body hair causes when traversing paradoxical realities would surely have ripped me limb from limb! But the new and improved Lawnmower 3.0 trimmer gives you a smooth, precise trim, and features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents, thanks to Manscaped's advanced SkinSafe technology. The Lawnmower 3.0 is water-resistant, lasts up to 90 minutes, and features an LED light for a closer trim, or to escape a dimension entirely devoid of photons, as I did. Plus, the stand doubles as a USB charging dock, can you believe it? And to whomever is hearing this transmission, I have absolutely no opinion on whether trimming your junk is more attractive, that is a subjective and cultural assessment that my multi-dimensional consciousness can no longer make. But I do know this. You can get 20% off and free shipping with the code ZYXX at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off and free shipping at Manscaped.com. Use the code ZYXX. Now let's see if this trusty old hyperdrive still has a few more surprises left in her! [hyperdrive roars back to life]
[transition]
C-53: Well that could have been a real mess, but I think we nailed it.
PLECK: Yeah, I think we pulled it out.
AJ: Yeah, I guess so. I don't remember any of it. Was I happy?
C-53: That’s for the best…
PLECK: Uh, yeah.
[communicator beeps]
C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Temporary Emergency Emissarial Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy.
DAR: Hey, Nermut.
NERMUT: Hello crew.
PLECK: Hey Nermut, wow. That was a wild ride.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah? Well, I mean, all I know is that this new slogan is testing incredibly well, these banners look amazing. Keep. It. Tight.
PLECK: Why is that slogan working so well?
NERMUT: I think it's just because Ship, Please is like, it didn't do well when it came out, but everyone remembers that line.
PLECK: What are you talking about?
BARGIE: Ah, keep it tight. I love that line.
NERMUT: Yeah, it's like the seminal line of Ship Please.
BARGIE: Hey ships, keep it tight. Wow, you're bringing back memories.
NERMUT: I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier, because of like, Seesu was always like, I'm so tight in the tight pants, and check out these super tight pants.
[Nermut shows off the pants]
C-53: Whoa, Nermut, those are-
DAR: Whoa.
PLECK: Whoa, those are very tight.
NERMUT: And so, yeah, it's just an immediate upswing in polling. Ted Ronka had cornered the market on the kind of like, folksy idiom, and we just found it. We're totally eating his lunch now in terms of numbers.
C-53: Power of nostalgia.
AJ: What's he gonna eat?
C-53: It's not a literal food situation, AJ.
NERMUT: Yeah, keep it tight.
PLECK: Nermut, could you just, could you give me just one second?
NERMUT: Sure.
PLECK: Dar, C-53?
DAR: Yeah, Pleck?
PLECK: Was “keep it tight” a line in Ship, Please? I don't remember that line.
DAR: It wasn’t… before. It wasn’t before.
C-53: It wasn't to my knowledge, but a quick search reveals that it is. On posters, it's on t-shirts, it's an extremely popular holo quote. The Juntawa release of Ship Please actually translates as "Keep It Tight."
BARGIE: Are we talking about keeping it tight?
PLECK: Yeah, Bargie, keep it tight, is… that’s a line in Ship, Please?
BARGIE: You know, I got it in one take. One take.
PLECK: Congratulations.
BARGIE: Thank you. Of course, I wasn't the one saying it, but that's fine. Yeah, that scene was directed by an old director known as Seesu Gundu.
PLECK: Wait, Bargie, is that how you know Seesu?
BARGIE: Oh yeah, I've known her for years, I guess. She hasn't aged, I'll tell you that. She taught me how to make an Old Salty Grandma.
PLECK: Oh.
BARGIE: [breaking] And if I think about it too much, it makes no sense, but I'm just gonna go with it.
AJ: Alright guys, I'm gonna go and mind wipe myself again.
PLECK: No, AJ. I don't think you need to. I think it's all good.
AJ: Nope, nope, I'm pretty sure I do, so I'm gonna do that.
BARGIE: Anyway, I'm gonna go keep it tight.
PLECK: Okay. Are we all saying that a lot now, or?
AJ: I'm not because I don't remember any of it!
PLECK: Okay.
NERMUT: I'm still here, guys. I'm keeping it pretty tight, but…
C-53: Yeah, Nerrmut, I think you can take off those pants.
NERMUT: Okay. Oh, take off the pants?
C-53: Your legs are turning purple.
NERMUT: I don't know. They're very tight. That's how we try to keep it.
CREW: [laughter]
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol. Pleck Decksetter and Wim Luce-Mickle were played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Security Officer Dar and Captain Dar were played by Ali Kokesh. Bargie the Ship, Seesu Gundu, Mother Wiggles, and the Mouse Helper were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. TEENMOM Nermut Bundaloy, Lysula Wiggles, the Elder Mouse Helper, and the guy brought back… to the future were played by Seth Lind. AJ and the Grand Kula of Flerp were played by Winston Noel. Dame Adelaide Wiggles was played by special guest Elise Morales. Elise is a voice actress and comedian, who you may know as Lila on Tuning Out the News, or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Showtime's Our Cartoon President. Her podcast, The Roast of Your Teenage Self, just launched on the All Things Comedy Network. Follow her @Pandalise on Instagram and @EliseNavidad on Twitter. This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAMES Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening call narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerean Jade by Eric Geusz. Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.
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JUSTIN: Hi everybody, my name is Justin McElroy.
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JUSTIN: We're both doctors and–
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ALDEN: AJ and Pleck are outside because C-53 has dragged them out there.
ALLIE: I think-- No, you haven't been dragged out.
SETH: No, we changed the timeline.
ALLIE: Yeah.
SETH: We stayed in-- We never came back to the future that time, so we just stayed in the timeline that Allie went back. Otherwise, there wouldn't be two Dars.
ALLIE: Yeah. In an alternate universe--
SETH: It makes sense.
JEREMY: What did I tell you?
ALLIE: I know.
JEREMY: I told ALL of you this.
WINSTON: [upset] I was with you. I never wanted to do time.
ALLIE: I love it.
WINSTON: This is me!
ALLIE: I LOVE it.
WINSTON: AJ is me!
SETH: We know.
CREW: [laughter]