Total Recap
The crew helps AJ in a severe time of need.
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C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-I-T-five with our final offseason episode before season 5. That’s right, season 5 is right around the corner.
[Intro Music]
BARGIE: I’m asleep... I’m asleep…
AJ: [Singing] Doot doo… Keep your head on a swivel…. Perimeter setting… [Speaking] Hallway clear.
BARGIE: I’m asleep…
AJ: Moving down other hallway.
SEESU: [In the distance] Rolphus-
ROLPHUS: [In the distance] Yes?
SEESU: [In the distance] I have to tell you something.
AJ: Oh! Seesu and that other guy. [Quietly] Maybe I’ll take a quick listen.
[Beeps of AJ turning up the volume on his helmet speakers]
SEESU: It’s taken me a while to say this, you know. I’d like to put up a strong wall around myself.
ROLPHUS: Yeah, that’s true.
AJ: Looks serious. Maybe it’s a breakup. Don’t get the hopes up. Put your hopes down on the ground. [Whispers] No, they’re up.
SEESU: Rolphus, the wall has crumbled and I just have to say this, and I’m only gonna say this once, and don’t you dare repeat it back to me.
ROLPHUS: Say it.
AJ: [Whispers] Say it.
SEESU: You are my one and only.
ROLPHUS: Wow, thank you for being so vulnerable with me-
AJ: [Pained] Ohhhh… I wish I hadn’t heard or seen this touching moment!
[Sounds of AJ turning down the helmet volume and running away]
AJ: Okay, AJ. You know what you have to do. Dig deep. WAANAANYAAAMAANYAAA…
PLECK: Hey, AJ. What are you up to, buddy?
[AJ continues to make babbling noises]
PLECK: It’s just that, you know, I was using your arm as a pillow, you were using Dar’s arm as a pillow, and, you know, when you leave the circle just sorta gets broken and without any heat it’s just, you know, we gotta stick together, you know?
[AJ racks his rifle]
AJ: Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground!
PLECK: Wait-
[Impact]
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Ow! What? What?! What are you talking / about AJ?
AJ: / Get down on the ground.
AJ: Present your F.A.I.C.
PLECK: My F.A.I.C?
AJ: F-A-I-C. Federated Alliance Identification Card.
PLECK: Yeah, I know- I know what it stands for, AJ. What are you-
AJ: Then present it!
PLECK: What year is it?!
AJ: I’m not afraid to blast you. Get down on the ground.
PLECK: What are you talking about?!
DAR: [Sounding sleepy] Hey, AJ, buddy-
[AJ racks his rifle]
AJ: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
DAR: You wanna come back to the cuddle puddle?
AJ: [Into coms] Over. Headquarters, we’ve got a giant-
DAR: Oh, whoa.
AJ: - twelve foot monster, chest talons, holding a toaster - could be weaponized, send backup. Repeat-
C-53: No, I’m not-
AJ: - send backup.
C-53: I’m not weaponized, uh-
AJ: Headquarters the toaster is speaking. I’ve got the weakest one down on the ground.
PLECK: Okay, alright.
[AJ continues to freak out in the background: “Repeat, there is a toaster that’s talking, there’s one guy I definitely could take,and there’s a giant alien with chest talons.”]
PLECK: Hey, guys I think AJ, like, mind wiped or something but, like, more than usual.
C-53: I think we may be in a situation where AJ has done what C.L.I.N.T.s used to refer to as a “deep clean”. It’s a little more intense than a mind wipe.
PLECK: Wow, ugh.
C-53: It can have some pretty severe effects.
PLECK: Yikes. How far back does the “deep clean” take you?
[Crosstalk]
C-53: Well, he’s asking for a F.A.I.C. / which haven’t existed for at least three years.
PLECK: / Yeah, I mean, that’s-
[AJ racks rifle]
[Clicks of an empty rifle]
DAR: And he’s trying to open fire on us right now.
AJ: [Punctuated by clicks of an empty blaster] Gun. Not. Firing. Gun. Not- Throwing gun!
[Sound of blaster impacting Dar]
DAR: Ow…?
[Sounds of Nermut scurrying in]
NERMUT: Come on. What’s the- what’s the racket?
PLECK: Oh, hey Nermut.
NERMUT: I was havin’ a great dream.
PLECK: We’re just trying to- something’s wrong with AJ. I think he did a “deep clean”
[AJ grabs Nermut]
AJ: Got a hostage!
[Nermut struggles]
AJ: I got a hostage! This little squirmy thing!
NERMUT: Ooh, it tickles! Ooh! It-it tickles!
AJ: Lizard. Bird.
DAR: AJ.
C-53: AJ, put the lird down.
Horsehat: [Toddler noises as they enter]
[Horsehat’s footfalls; AJ moving around to avoid Horsehat]
AJ: Okay, now there are TWO giant aliens with chest talons. You’ll never take me alive! I’m pulling the butt gun!
[Butt gun deployed]
PLECK: Oh, come on. AJ.
[Clicks of an empty butt gun blaster]
AJ: It’s-it’s empty! My BUTT GUN IS EMPTY!
PLECK: Yeah, we know.
AJ: My butt gun!
C-53: Oh Rodd...
PLECK: You ran out of ammo for that like months ago.
AJ: [Cries]
DAR: Aww, buddy.
[AJ’s helmet comes off]
AJ: [Speaking unintelligibly through tears]
PLECK: Yeah, AJ-
DAR: Come here, come here. Let me give you a hug.
AJ: Maybe there’s another butt gun-
[Farting noises]
[Simultaneously]
DAR & PLECK: No, no-
NERMUT: Tears plus the paste is just… oof-
DAR: There isn’t. I’ve checked before. Come here.
AJ: Please don’t hurt me. Ugh...
PLECK: Oh, AJ. AJ…
AJ: What’s happening?!
PLECK: It’s gonna be okay.
DAR: Aww.
PLECK: We’re gonna figure this out.
C-53: Yeah-
AJ: How do you know who I am?
PLECK: AJ- you’re-
NERMUT: I mean for one thing it says it on your shoulder, but, also, we’re your friends.
PLECK: Yeah, we’re your friends, AJ. We’re your- your family.
AJ: Wait, so I did a “deep clean”?
C-53: I think so, buddy.
NERMUT: Yeah, that sounds right.
AJ: How- how deep? How deep we talkin’?
C-53: What’s the last Sherk movie you remember?
AJ: Sherk who?
[Simultaneously]
DAR & C-53 & PLECK: Oh, no!
PLECK: Oh, no, AJ!
DAR: Okay.
C-53: Okay, well, AJ we’d be happy to try and jog your memory here.
AJ: Yeah, okay. Okay, just treat me like I’m a newcomer to your adventures and just, like, do a kinda quick recap. I’ll write it all down.
[Paper shuffling]
NERMUT: I mean, if you’re looking for brevity or clarity, you’ve got the wrong group.
PLECK: Oh, no no no no. Guys, I- oh, I think we could really sum up what we’ve been up to in the last few years in a cogent and helpful way for AJ and, you know, anyone who might be new to our adventures.
C-53: Oh, alright. Fair enough.
AJ: Alright.
C-53: Let’s- uh, let’s give it a shot.
NERMUT: Sure.
PLECK: Yeah.
NERMUT: I think the inevitable failure doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.
PLECK: Yes. Wait. What?
AJ: Let’s lock and recap!
[[*Note: After this point there are recurring sounds of AJ writing down notes*]]
AJ: First things first, who are all of you?
PLECK: Oh, boy. Okay.
DAR: Hmm.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: Well, uh, I am Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter, warrior of the ancient religion known as The Space, and, uh, your mentor.
AJ: Oh, okay.
DAR: I would really say it takes a village.
PLECK: Okay, sure.
DAR: I’m Dar. Uhh, intimidatingly sexy alien, currently captain. I consider myself also one of your mentors.
AJ: Oh, yeah, you seem like a much better mentor.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: And you know, uh… I have the heart of a dancer.
AJ: Well, you’re also jucking enormous so I’m gonna write that down.
C-53: Uh, AJ, I am C-53, protocol and diplomatic relations droid, albeit somewhat humbled by having lost his droid frame. The cube holding my sentience is currently stored within this toaster.
AJ: So you’re a toaster.
DAR: Hmm.
C-53: No, I’m the cube.
AJ: Yeah, but the voice is coming out of the toaster.
C-53: Uh, yes. Well, that’s because my cube is inside the toaster. Uhh-
AJ: Okay.
C-53: You know, we- we just haven’t found, uh, another frame to put my cube in and it’s just-
AJ: “Toaster that thinks he’s a robot”
C-53: No, no, no no.
AJ: Got it.
C-53: You’ve underlined it.
PLECK: He does make- he does make great toast though, right guys?
C-53: That’s not-
NERMUT: You can make toast, you can make-
PLECK: I mean, we all- we-
NERMUT: Yeah, you can make toast.
C-53: Obviously I can make toast. I’m in- inside a toaster.
NERMUT: Uh, I am Nermut Bundaloy. My most recent title is Temporary Emergency Emmisarial Negotiations Missions Operations Manager and I assign the missions to this crew.
AJ: Tiny lizard man. His plumage is aggressive in some ways.
NERMUT: Huh, thank you.
BARGIE: Hey, just like to chime in and say I’m sorry that it’s cold but the thing is-
C-53: No, Bargie-
PLECK: Bargie-
BARGIE: - that I’m very tired.
PLECK: Bargie, you’ve got to conserve your energy.
C-53: Bargie, it’s-
BARGIE: Right, but I wanna shake shake shake my tush, you know?
NERMUT: No, Bargie, that’s-
BARGIE: So it’s kinda hard to me-
PLECK: No, don’t do that. I think- I think that’s kinda superfluous, probably, Bargie.
BARGIE: It’s all I wanna do!
AJ: Wait, is this who I think it is?
BARGIE: Yes, it’s me. I am the Bargarean Jade.
AJ: Oh, YES! This is incredible!
BARGIE: Ship of the stars!
PLECK: Oh, he knows Bargie?
AJ: Everybody knows Bargie! Gotta love her!
PLECK: Okay. Alright.
C-53: Yeah, okay.
BARGIE: But also, usually my energy is a little higher but currently I am running on whatever “negative energy” is.
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
AJ: Can you do your famous catchphrase for me?
BARGIE: “Open your door you juck-jucker!”
AJ: Oh, yeah! Classic!
PLECK: Wow, what movie is that?
BARGIE: “Suck this juice, you jucknut!”
PLECK: Wow.
AJ: Whoa.
PLECK: Whoa.
BARGIE: “I’ve loved you since the day you opened your hatch, Peter.”
AJ: Yes, man “I’ve loved you since the day you opened your hatch, Peter” is a classic catchphrase!
[Transition Music]
[Phone dialing and ringing. It connects to an answering machine.]
TIFF: Oh, hi there, it’s Tiff.
RODD: And, hey, you’ve reached Rodd.
TIFF: We’re so sorry we missed you.
RODD: Yeah, sorry about that, we’re probably… you know.
TIFF: Yeah, you know! [Laughs]
RODD: You know what we’re talking about!
TIFF: You know! You know!
RODD: Don’t they, Tiff?
TIFF: Oh, they know, Rodd. We’re talking about
[Simultaneously]
TIFF & RODD: Dipsea.
TIFF: Just because you’ve grown up doesn’t mean you’ve outgrown bedtime stories.
RODD: And whether you want a story to turn you on or wind you down for better sleep, Dipsea helps you get in touch with yourself for some extra sweet dreams.
TIFF: Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to Turn. You. On.
RODD: And how do you know you’re into that? Well, you’re listening to a short, sexy story right now.
[Simultaneously]
TIFF & RODD: This voicemail.
RODD: Dipsea releases new stories every week so there’s always more to explore.
TIFF: No matter who you’re into or what turns you on.
RODD: Maybe you’re into exceedingly chill deities.
TIFF: Or the sentient nextdoor.
RODD: Either way you’re covered. Dipsea also has wellness sessions to help you learn more about yourself.
TIFF: And bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.
RODD: And for listeners of-
[Simultaneously]
TIFF & RODD: This voicemail-
RODD: Dipsea is offering a 30 day free trial when you go to dipseastories.com/zyxx.
TIFF: That’s a 30 day free trial when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A-stories.com/zyxx.
[Simultaneously]
TIFF & RODD: Dipseastories.com/zyxx.
RODD: And when you hear the beep, I think you know what to do.
TIFF: Oh, I think you know exactly what’s happening-
RODD: I think you know what that beep means-
TIFF: You know-
RODD: Turns the-
ROBOTIC ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE: Recipient has exceeded allotted time.
[Beep]
[Transition music]
AJ: Okay. Tell me what happened?
PLECK: Sure, sure. I- I first met the rest of the crew when I joined up with the Federated Alliance who, you know, I didn’t know was evil at the time but obviously turned out to be pretty evil.
AJ: No, come on! How could they be evil?! They cloned me and, like, millions of other C.L.I.N.T.s, and, like, sent us out into the galaxy.
PLECK: Uh huh. [[*Note: Agreement*]]
AJ: And that’s, like, cool. And then we, you know, we would enforce the law-
PLECK: Yup.
AJ: - and, you know,-
PLECK: Mmhmm
AJ: - kind of, suppress rebellion, -
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: - and freedom, and-
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: Oh, okay.
PLECK: Yeah, that’s sorta-
C-53: Yeah, want me to play that back for you, or…?
PLECK: They were evil, AJ. That’s why we defected. That’s why you defected, too.
AJ: Right, right. Okay. But we don’t say “all hail the Federated Alliance” anymore?
PLECK: No, we don’t say that anymore.
C-53: Yeah, no.
NERMUT: No.
AJ: So, wait, what would you guys do? Like, what was, like, a typical day?
NERMUT: So, basically, I would spend a lot of time preparing detailed mission instructions hours before calling them. They would go do the mission but, like, even while they’re there I would be prepping the next one.
AJ: Huh.
NERMUT: The missions were primarily a lot of prep work on the instructions and then-
PLECK: The missions were primarily prep work?
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: I sort of think the missions were primarily missions.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: Well, I mean, that’s a pretty limited view of- just from someone who goes on the mission.
BARGIE: Alright, so this is what happens during the missions. They all interrupt each other. They all personally share too much information. Then they disappear for hours on end, sometimes days. I get worried. I call out their names. I wait by the door.
PLECK: Oh, thank you Bargie.
BARGIE: I go eat a snack. I take a nap. I go by the door again. I go take a snack. And I do a nap.
PLECK: I think you’re sort of describing a cat.
C-53: Yeah, it’s getting a kind of limited picture of what we did.
BARGIE: Then I turn on my belly and I wave my belly around.
PLECK: No, I think-
NERMUT: This is-
PLECK: No, Bargie, I think that’s what a-
BARGIE: MEOW-JI! MEOW-JI!
DAR: Uh, uh, okay, this is a cat. This is a cat, yeah.
PLECK: That’s what a cat does.
C-53: Yeah, Barge, is this prep for some role or…?
NERMUT: Yeah, AJ, you can rest your hand a little bit now. I don’t think all that needs to go in the- in the book. [[*Note: There have been sounds of AJ writing notes for this entire exchange*]]
AJ: Oh, okay. I’m- “meow-ji” was tough to spell.
DAR: Ooh, but what should go in there is that I was a real horndog in the beginning. You know?
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
[Crosstalk]
DAR: I- I- this is important / because I’m a parent now, you know.
AJ: / “Was”?
AJ: Should I put it in past tense?
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: Okay. Wait, so, when did- you’re not in the Federated Alliance? Did you leave or did they kick you out or what?
NERMUT: Okay, so here’s-
DAR: Uhh…
NERMUT: Here’s what happens. The Federated Alliance was formed by the Council of Seven.
AJ: Uh huh. [[*Note: Agreement*]]
NERMUT: It turned out that six of them were evil.
AJ: Twist!
NERMUT: And it- twist.
C-53: And- and, honestly, it was.
NERMUT: But then it turned out that the seventh was even more evil and so-
AJ: Twist! Twist on a twist!
PLECK: What did you-
C-53: What did you call it?
PLECK: Are you writing that part down?
AJ: Twist on a twist! Double twist! Curly twist!
PLECK: AJ, you’re running out of margins with all those twists.
AJ: Twist!
PLECK: Listen, did we come to the realization that the Federated Alliance was evil a little bit later than we probably should have? Yes.
NERMUT: Mmhmm.
PLECK: But we made up for it. We- we blew up the Delegator, which was, uh, full of, uh, uh, well, C.L.I.N.T.s-
NERMUT: [Uncomfortably] Ehh…
AJ: [Judgmental] Ooh…
PLECK: - mostly.
DAR: Sighs]
PLECK: I probably shouldn’t-
AJ: [Judgmental] Okaay...
PLECK: Yeah, uh...
AJ: Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, yeah, the Delegator. Something’s… coming back now…
PLECK: What? Yes! Really?
AJ: There’s a name…
PLECK: The Delegator! Yes!
NERMUT: Yeah, yeah!
AJ: There’s a name…
NERMUT: AJ, follow it.
AJ: … floating up to my head…
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Uh huh. [[*Note: Agreement*]]
AJ: … it’s just...
NERMUT: Is it Sammo? Wink?
AJ: No… No… It’s… Tiny…
PLECK: Uh-
[Simultaneously]
DAR: No.
PLECK: No. No no no no no, don’t say it.
NERMUT: No, don’t.
C-53: No, no, AJ. AJ-
AJ: Tiny Toots! Tiny Toots!
BARGIE: [Unintelligible upset noises]
C-53: No, AJ!
BARGIE: Oh, there goes 10% of my energy.
PLECK: Oh, no.
NERMUT: [Sighs] AJ! Oh, whoa!
PLECK: Oh, she turned off the gravity.
[Bargie wails]
DAR: Aww!
NERMUT: AJ, Tiny Toots was Bargie’s nemesis! A much more popular ship and her ex!
PLECK: Bargie, turn the gravity back on, please.
NERMUT: But- but tell us before you-
[Sounds of impacts]
PLECK: Ow! Oh!
AJ: I’m gonna write down in parenthesis “(think they blew up The Delegator)”. Alright, great.
PLECK: Okay, we- we-
NERMUT: Wow.
PLECK: We destroyed The Delegator and joined up with The Rebellion against the Federated Alliance-
BARGIE: And we also recorded at least 62 episodes of Beano and Bargie.
PLECK: Yes. That-
BARGIE: Not enough to get syndicated-
PLECK: That was-
BARGIE: - but it had pretty good reviews, -
AJ: Wait.
BARGIE: -you know?
AJ: Wait, wait, wait hold on. What’s a “Beano”.
PLECK: Uhh…
C-53: Oh, wow.
DAR: Wow.
NERMUT: “A ‘Beano’”?
PLECK: Yeah, that’s a- that’s another part of it. We- we found a bean and when we put it in hot water it turned into Beano.
AJ: Did Beano... have nipples?
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: Yes! Yes, exactly! That’s Beano! Yeah!
NERMUT: Yes! Yes! Yes!
C-53: Very good! Yes!
DAR: Yes!
AJ: Oh, I don’t remember anything else about it.
PLECK: That’s the only thing you remember?
DAR: Oh, Beano...
NERMUT: Come on!
DAR: Beano would not “wuv” that.
PLECK: Beano was a big part of our lives for a long time. Uh, until-
BARGIE: Yeah, but unfortunately the show was on a streaming service called TeeNe, and that went down. [[*Note: Pronounced “teeny”*]]
PLECK: That actually wasn’t- that actually wasn’t, Bargie, the reason that Beano went away.
PLECK: Beano went away because-
C-53: It IS the reason that TeeNe went away.
[Simultaneously]
AJ: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah, that’s true.
DAR: Oh, wow.
BARGIE: Oh, I thought that’s why he went away, because TeeNe was cancelled.
DAR: Yeah, I feel like at this point everyone forgot that TeeNe was a thing.
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: You know my only question?
NERMUT: Hm?
AJ: Why is it called TeeNe?
C-53: Well, uh, it’s interesting, AJ, because, uh, TeeNe was actually a hybrid of Teensy Network.
AJ: Okay.
C-53: You know, like, a network that just made small videos.
PLECK: Yeah.
BARGIE: They were very small. They were so tiny.
C-53: Yeah.
PLECK: Oh, yeah, they were physically very small, too.
C-53: Yeah, physically the image was-
AJ: Huh.
C-53: I mean, many species were barely even able to perceive the videos at all, they were so small.
NERMUT: Also, just cost a lot per month.
PLECK: Yeah, it was overpriced.
C-53: Yeah, 15 Kroon a month? Get the juck out of here.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
AJ: So, from what you guys are saying, you guys were very much involved in TeeNe for a lot of the time that you were the crew before you met me-
[Simultaneously]
C-53: You know,it was like. It was sort of like a lot of people were talking about TeeNe.
NERMUT: No, not. I mean, not. That’s not. It wasn’t. It wasn’t a primary thing. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Um.
PLECK: No. No no no. No.
C-53: I don’t think I ever really watched anything on it.
DAR: I was really more of a PikPok stan.
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: Yeah, I’m more of a PikPok.
[Crosstalk]
AJ: But, I mean, the amount that you guys are talking / to me about TeeNe makes me think that you spent a lot of time-
NERMUT: / Yeah.
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Cause it was just in the zeitgeist. It was just in the zeitgeist / for a long time.
DAR: / Yeah.
NERMUT: It was a thing.
C-53: You know what, yeah-
[Crosstalk]
NERMUT: And then everybody / was making fun of it.
PLECK: / Joked-
PLECK: But you’re right, PikPok was a much more popular service. It’s an app where you see videos of people who steal from one another.
AJ: Okay. Chapter 2: The Rebellion. So, now, this was the rebellion against the Federated Alliance. All hail the Federated Alliance.
PLECK: Yes, exactly, AJ, that’s correct.
NERMUT: Uhh… we just don’t say that.
PLECK: We were fighting the forces of Wackness in the Federated Alliance, which sort of culminated in the Battle of the Planet Crusher Crushers.
C-53: Which of course was a weapon capable of crushing a weapon that was capable of crushing a planet.
PLECK: Exactly.
AJ: Whoa.
PLECK: And I mean, I like to think we were sort of instrumental in that whole thing, not to put too fine a point on it.
AJ: The Battle of the Planet Crusher Crushers.
PLECK: Right, exactly.
AJ: Something else is coming back to me.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: What is it?
AJ: A name…
PLECK: Oh, no.
AJ: … that I said earlier.
[Simultaneously]
PLECK: No! AJ, stop! Come on!
DAR: No! Have we learned nothing?!
C-53: AJ…
NERMUT: Why? Why? Wh- why could you not stop your-
AJ: Tiny Toots!
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: No! [Sighs]
PLECK: No!
BARGIE: What the?!
C-53: [Disgruntled] Agh...
[Bargie turns off the gravity]
PLECK: Oh, the gravity!
[Simultaneously]
BARGIE: AAAAghhh!
C-53: Aahh…!
BARGIE: Ahh… you said it… I got more tired just emotionally dealing with that baggage.
PLECK: AJ, how do you only remember that one thing?!
AJ: It’s alliterative!
PLECK: Ahh!
[Impacts as Bargie turns on the gravity]
C-53: Ugh, I have no limbs. Every one of these crashes really hurts.
NERMUT: [Sighs]
PLECK: Yeah, right on the old… lever. And then of course, you know, Beano granted Bargie’s wish to become a star and we were stranded in Holowood for some time, during which, uh, I became a Zima warrior and, uh, that’s when you met us.
AJ: That’s when I met you guys?
PLECK: Yeah, you were in a strike team of C.L.I.N.T.s sent by the Emperor to assassinate, you know, me and everyone else on the crew. I took your strike team out with my wood sabre, and, uh, you decided to join me to learn the ways of the-
AJ: Wait, wait, what- you took them out with a what?
PLECK: With my wood sabre.
DAR: It’s a stick.
PLECK: It’s the Dinglehopper. It’s the-
DAR: It’s a stick-
PLECK: It’s the ancient-
DAR: - that he likes to-
PLECK: Okay, it’s the ancient weapon-
DAR: - carry around and wield and sometimes it gives him splinters.
PLECK: Okay, it’s more than that. It’s an ancient weapon of the fabled Zima Knights.
C-53: It’s made out of a stick.
PLECK: It’s, yes- It is- Yes, thank you C-53. It is made out of a stick but it is not a stick.
NERMUT: You know what else is made out of a stick?
DAR: Hm?
NERMUT: A stick.
PLECK: Yeah, well.
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: Well, can I see it?
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Funny you should ask that. It was actually magically swapped by The Emperor in The Allwheat / with, uh, this [Tube noise: “Whyyyyyyyy”] plastic tube.
NERMUT: / What?
AJ: Ooh! I like this! This, I like!
[Tube swishing through air]
PLECK: Okay. You know what?
[Tube noise: “Whyyyyyyyy”]
AJ: Yeahhh…! Hohoh…!
[Tube noise: “Whyyyyyyyy”]
PLECK: It found its way back to him.
[Tube noise: “Whyyyyyyyy”]
NERMUT: Oh, “Why”, indeed.
AJ: Okay, alright. So I met you guys in Holowood and joined the team. So what happened when I joined it? Like, pretty cool stuff, right?
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah. You know, we got a little dumber overa- like on average I would say.
AJ: Ouch.
NERMUT: Dumber on average but, like, we have way more hours of room tone than we ever had.
PLECK: Yeah, exactly. You know, then for a long time our entire life was dominated by the fact that Bargie was under investigation for money laundering, treason, …
NERMUT: Oh, right.
C-53: Mm, yeah, right.
DAR: Oh, wow.
BARGIE: Oh, I had forgotten about that part.
PLECK: … witness tampering, ...
NERMUT: Financial murder, if I recall correctly.
PLECK: Financial murder.
NERMUT: It was also when Horsehat was born.
PLECK: Yeah.
HORSEHAT: [Toddler noises]
AJ: Whoa, that’s a baby?
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Uh, yeah. Oh yeah. Big time.
[Crosstalk]
DAR: Well, it wasn’t just Horsehat. I carried two / very special children.
C-53: / Hm.
PLECK: Beano, the thing with nipples.
AJ: Hm.
PLECK: You might remember-
AJ: Okay.
DAR: “The thing with nipples”?! Please, I carried Beano to term in my oven!
PLECK: It’s- okay, alright, sorry-
C-53: Yeah, how dare you, Pleck?
PLECK: But, right as the trial ended we were captured again by the Emperor where Kor Balevore used a Wack ritual to open a-
AJ: Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, his name’s Kor Balevore? That’s the coolest name ever.
PLECK: Yeah, he was sort of like the henchman of-
AJ: Yeah, but does he have, like, a song? He should have a song. It should be like: [sings metal guitar riff]
PLECK: Yeah, believe it or not,
AJ: [Sings metal guitar riff]
PLECK: - you’ve suggested this exact thing before, AJ.
NERMUT: Mmhmm.
AJ: The same riff? [Sings metal guitar riff].
NERMUT: Mmhmm.
[Simultaneously]
AJ & PLECK: KOR BALEVORE!
PLECK: Yeah, you have-
[Simultaneously]
NERMUT: Yeah, actually-
AJ: Oh, okay, great.
DAR: Oh.
AJ: Well, I was right then and I’m right now.
NERMUT: And unfortunately, after The Emperor abducted us into the Planet Crusher Crusher, when Pleck knocked him off a catwalk-
PLECK: Defeating him. Defeating him.
NERMUT: Uhh...
PLECK: Defeating him and also rendering-
NERMUT: Rendering him infinitely more powerful.
PLECK: Ye- uh- yes.
NERMUT: Kor sort of orchestrated a Whack ritual simultaneous to The Emperor being thrown off the catwalk with Beano-
AJ: Juck yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah, the whole thing imploded and turned into sort of a gigantic celestial butthole.
PLECK: Mmhmm. The most gargantuan horror the galaxy’s ever seen-
NERMUT: Known as The Allwheat.
AJ: Okay. Yeah. No questions.
PLECK: … That all makes sense to you?
NERMUT: What?
AJ: Yeah.
NERMUT: You had seven questions about TeeNe and nothing about The Allwheat?
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: Well, to be fair, TeeNe was sort of a hard phenomenon to understand.
PLECK: Yeah, no, -
NERMUT: Yeah, that’s true
PLECK: - it was a hard pitch on paper for sure, -
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: TeeNe. Then we all headed to an ice planet-
NERMUT: Mmhmm.
PLECK: - to find the former Rebel commander Seesu Gundu-
NERMUT: Speeder bikes!
PLECK: - and you and Nermut killed a bunch of ice beasts including-
NERMUT: Okay, wait- so- next-
PLECK: the coolest ice beast, Dale.
NERMUT: Come on! A) -
PLECK: It’s just- it’s just what happened! I’m just trying to tell him what happened!
NERMUT: A) AJ put me up to it. “Lizard man, take a shot!”
AJ: Sounds right.
NERMUT: And B) we had NO way of knowing that Dale was known for baking cookies.
PLECK: Well, we know now.
DAR: He was also known for a lot more, like being a loving father and-
NERMUT: [Sighs]
DAR: - a pillar of his community.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah, generous lover.
DAR: Yeah, his wife would not stop bragging about what a generous lover he was.
AJ: Wow, sounds like a great guy.
NERMUT: You dared me to shoot him, AJ, so...
AJ: Well, I don’t remember it.
PLECK: So we spent several months not only preparing to face The Allwheat, but also helping Seesu Gundu prepare her campaign to be the new galactic leader. I discovered my destiny of going into The Allwheat. These guys followed me in and we defeated The Emperor a second time.
C-53: Yeah, we HAD to go into The Allwheat because Pleck rode a wooden rocket into The Allwheat and we thought he might DIE so we went after him.
PLECK: I didn’t die, it worked.
DAR: Mmm…
PLECK: Turns out that Beano, that was the other half of The Allwheat-
AJ: Okay.
PLECK: Turns out that Beano, in his infinite wisdom, actually sort of had a soft spot for us, maybe in large part due to the TeeNe, uh, series he had with Bargie.
BARGIE: Right.
NERMUT: Yeah, I remember he-
PLECK: Remember TeeNee?
NERMUT: Yeah, it comes back to TeeNe.
AJ: Oh, yeah.
DAR: Actually, now I don’t know why it was such a huge flop.
AJ: Yeah, actually-
PLECK: No, it was a great idea.
C-53: It should've worked.
PLECK: It was just poorly managed, -
BARGIE: It was just too tiny.
PLECK: - poorly executed.
NERMUT: TeeNe thought people wanted, like, you know, 10 minute episodes. What they want are 40 minute recaps.
BARGIE: Not only 10 minute episodes but they were on 1 cm by 1 cm screens.
PLECK: They were very small is the / problem.
AJ: Right.
BARGIE: Very TeeNe.
PLECK: THAT’s the problem that I think-
BARGIE: That’s the thing that was different about them.
C-53: They were honestly hard to watch
DAR: Oh, yeah, and sometimes you’d have to go 360 and spin it.
NERMUT: Uh huh [[*Note: Agreement*]]
BARGIE: Right, right, right.
C-53: Yeah and some videos- some videos were only visible in 360 mode where you had to spin your phone at a constant rate.
BARGIE: Yeah.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: That was the only way to watch the video.
PLECK: Otherwise the video itself would spin.
DAR: Mmhmm
PLECK: You had to spin in the opposite direction to keep it stable.
C-53: Yeah, exactly
BARGIE: Yeah. Don’t you guys remember Rip Seeso tried to warn us about it but we kept believing in it?
NERMUT: Yeah
DAR: Also, it wouldn’t let you do screenshots which, just, like, made the whole experience unshareable online.
AJ: Whoa, why would- that seems like- why would anyone do that?
DAR: So nobody- nobody knew what you were watching.
AJ: But how do you create earned media that way?
PLECK: You remember THAT? Is that baked in?!
AJ: All C.L.I.N.T.s have basic digital marketing.
C-53: Even a “deep clean” doesn’t remove digital marketing strategy.
PLECK: Oh, no.
AJ: Anyway…
NERMUT: Uh…
AJ: Uh…
NERMUT: So we destroyed The Allwheat.
BARGIE: Right, but you all are forgetting another event that happened which is Dar died.
PLECK: Oh, yeah.
C-53: Oh, right.
PLECK: Dar.
NERMUT: “Dar died” is not… I mean, that’s a pretty gentle way of-
DAR: Oh yeah.
PLECK: I mean you COULD say that Dar is constantly dying in an endless time loop that will g- uh- stretch to infinity.
AJ: Why is my nose bleeding?
C-53: Does that- does that feel helpful?
DAR: Why would you SAY that?
C-53: Pleck, does that feel helpful right now?
NERMUT: Yeah, you COULD say that but why WOULD you say that?
PLECK: Oh boy... Uh, it’s probably still too soon.
NERMUT: Luckily, in a subsequent mission due to time travel there became two Dars so the extra Dar was able to replace Dar who died.
PLECK: And, uh, that’s the Dar you see before you today.
AJ: [Putting on helmet] Right. Well, you guys can talk about this all you want but I will not be writing it down because I do not understand what you’re talking about.
[Crosstalk]
PLECK: Well, let me tell you this AJ, / it makes sense and it’s airtight.
DAR: Mmhmm
C-53: AJ, I can see your helmet is filling up with blood. You should probably let some of that out.
AJ: Timey… how do you spell “wimey”?
NERMUT: It’s “timey” with a “W”.
AJ: Got it.
NERMUT: Uhh, so we, yeah, destroyed The Allwheat, of course, um.
PLECK: Yes.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: And that opened up a rift in reality. We fell through it and we don’t know where we are now. And now we’ve been adrift for so long that Bargie’s out of fuel and has shut off all but the absolute bare minimum of life support systems so...
[Crosstalk]
BARGIE: There’s only one way / that I know that I’m alive and that’s if I…
NERMUT: / Yeah.
BARGIE: Shake.
PLECK: No!
BARGIE: My.
PLECK: Bargie, you need to conserve your energy!
NERMUT: No, Bargie, that’s - wh-
BARGIE: Tush.
PLECK: Don’t shake that!
BARGIE: Shake.
NERMUT: Don’t shake the tush. It’ll also-
BARGIE: My.
NERMUT: [Sighs]
BARGIE: Tush.
NERMUT: You’re gonna wake up all those other guys and they’re kind of annoying.
BARGIE: Shake. My.
AJ: Wait, what other guys?
BARGIE: Tush.
PLECK: All the other people that were in The Allwheat with us. They’re on the ship now.
NERMUT: Yeah, Seesu-
PLECK: Seesu Gundu, Rolphus Tiddle-
AJ: Wait, who?
PLECK: Um, Rolphus Tiddle?
AJ: Uhh, I keep hearing static when you say that name.
PLECK: He’s- he’s the guy you were cloned from.
AJ: Huh?
C-53: Rolphus Tiddle is the source of your DNA, AJ, so I’m not surprised you probably can’t hear me saying his name? Rolphus Tiddle, Rolphus Tiddle, …
AJ: No, I can’t hear it and that, none of that sounds right, so I will not remember that. Okay.
C-53: Okay.
NERMUT: Hmm, then you’re caught up ‘cause you didn’t remember it before.
AJ: Well, this is actually an amazing recap. It’s super clear and-
C-53: I- I don’t know, AJ. I think anyone trying to familiarize themself with our situation based on what you wrote would be very, very confused.
PLECK: I would say “turned off”.
C-53: Yeah.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Maybe “alienated” might be the word.
DAR: Uhh, yeah.
AJ: Uh, I mean, seems to me that this is a crew of misfits aboard a cantankerous ship that go for a bunch of madcap adventures in a galaxy full of delightful and interesting creatures.
PLECK: Hmm.
NERMUT: Wow.
BARGIE: Huh.
AJ: It’s essentially a workplace comedy set in a fantastic universe. Also, with a little bit of found family thrown in.
BARGIE: Okay.
DAR: Huh, okay, yeah.
BARGIE: Makes sense.
PLECK: I don’t know if I ever thought of it that way but, yeah, I guess that’s exactly-
NERMUT: That’s a remarkably skilled distillation of the random tidbits we’ve just said for the last half hour.
PLECK: Yeah.
AJ: Yeah, I mean, that’s just- that’s how I would describe it if I was pitching it to TeeNe or something.
PLECK: Yeah.
ROLPHUS: [In the distance] Wait! Seesu! Come back! Come on!
SEESU: [In the distance] No, Rolphus! You know what? I’d rather get with all of your clones! I bet they know something!
AJ: Huh?!
[Crosstalk]
NERMUT: ALL / of them?
PLECK: Ugh.
SEESU: [In the distance] They probably know RESPECT better than you!
AJ: Whaaat?
[Seesu approaches]
SEESU: Oh, hi, AJ.
[AJ starts making babbling noises]
PLECK: Oh, what’s happening to AJ?!
NERMUT: Why- he’s just spinning on his heels?
PLECK: What’s happen- he’s just spinning.
AJ: Oh, wow. I, uh… I got all my memories back!
PLECK: What, really?
AJ: Yeah.
NERMUT: What?
AJ: By the power of… power of love!
PLECK: Uhh… is that what it was?
AJ: Or- or the other other thing is sometimes when the event that triggered the mind is negated then it actually negates the mind wipe.
PLECK: That makes sense.
C-53: Mmm… okay, there we go.
AJ: But it could also be the power of love!
PLECK: Yeah, probably one of those two.
AJ: Bottom line, all of my memories are back. But there’s, like, one thing, Papa, I wanted to say.
PLECK: Oh, what is it?
AJ: You said we met when I was on the strike team in Holowood, but we actually met before that.
PLECK: … What?
NERMUT: Hmm?
[Simultaneously]
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: No.
AJ: Mmhmm.
PLECK: No, the first time we met was on Holowood. You- you- you were sent to kill me.
AJ: No.
PLECK: AJ, what are you talking about?
DAR: Uhh… I- AJ-...
C-53: Okay, AJ-
NERMUT: That definitely was-
BARGIE: What?
DAR: I’m sure it was-
BARGIE: When would that be? Please explain.
AJ: You don’t remember? Okay…
PLECK: AJ-
C-53: When do YOU think the first time you met is?
AJ: Well, I met Papa on his first day of work on the Bargarean Jade.
BARGIE: That’s me!
AJ: Papa was all, like, starry eyed, and you were, like, “Wow, the Bargarean Jade.” And then I was like, “Get down on the ground.”
PLECK: AJ, that was YOU?
AJ: Yeah.
NERMUT: Wha-
PLECK: That was, like-
NERMUT: Wait a second.
C-53: AJ, that was YEARS ago.
AJ: Yeah, that was me.
NERMUT: For our very first mission, YOU were the C.L.I.N.T. working the hangar bay.
AJ: That’s right.
NERMUT: Oh, come on.
AJ: I’m a little hurt you guys didn’t recognize me.
C-53: Uhh…
AJ: A little.
C-53: Alright, I have a simple way to verify this. I’m gonna go through my memory logs and I’ll pull up an image of the C.L.I.N.T. who greeted us when we boarded the Bargarean Jade. Okay, um…
[Sounds of a toaster heating element]
PLECK: Wow, your processor’s running real hard.
NERMUT: Ooh, that is a smell.
C-53: Well, it’s- uh, you know, the toaster has gotten re-
DAR: Ooh, C, you’re on fire. You’re on fire!
C-53: No, that’s okay, that’s okay -
BARGIE: C, you’re on fire inside of me?
C-53: No, no, that’s-
BARGIE: Can someone put that out?
C-53: I etch-
NERMUT: Yeah.
BARGIE: Thank you.
NERMUT: We’re gonna have to put that out manually.
C-53: No, no, I’m-
NERMUT: The- the-
C-53: No, no, I’m etching an image onto this slice of bread so you can see the proof.
NERMUT: Oh.
C-53: There you go. Take a look.
[Toast dispensed]
PLECK: Oh.
NERMUT: Oh, it…
DAR: Looks like a C.L.I.N.T.
NERMUT: Wow.
C-53: Yeah, no, but look at the shoulder.
DAR: Oh, the number!
NERMUT: Two… Eight…
DAR: Two-eight-eight-four!
PLECK: AJ-two-eight-eight-four!
NERMUT: Eight… F- [Sigh]
AJ: So that’s a Retinal Confirmation! Classic Retcon!
PLECK: Wow.
DAR: Woow.
BARGIE: What?
NERMUT: What’s the-
BARIG:E I don’t get it.
NERMUT: What’s the retina part of it?
AJ: Your eyes. You saw it with your eyes. It has been confirmed.
NERMUT: Wow.
AJ: Classic retcon.
[Simultaneously]
C-53: Hmm…
DAR: Ooh… Wow.
PLECK: It’s confirmed.
AJ: It’s a retcon, baby!
[Outro Music]
// - FIN - //
[Maximum Fun Promos]
[Promo 1: Depresh Mode]
JOHN MOE: Hey, it's John Moe and, look, these are challenging times for our mental and emotional health. I get it. That's why I'm so excited for my new podcast Depresh Mode. We're tackling depression, anxiety, trauma, stress - the kinds of things that are just super common but don't get talked about nearly enough. Conversations that are illuminating, honest, and sometimes pretty funny. With folks like Patton Oswalt, Open Mike Eagle, and Kelsey Darragh.
KELSEY DARRAGH: Now I can kinda go, like, "Oh, yeah, there's that thing where I feel like I'm in a videogame and my hands aren't real and I'm living the Truman Show. Okay, this, too, shall pass."
JOHN MOE: Plus psychiatrists, psychologists, and all kinds of folks. On Depresh Mode we're working together, learning, helping each other out. We're a team! Join our team! Depresh Mode from Maximum Fun wherever you get your podcasts.
[Promo 2: The Outer Reach: Stories From Beyond]
NARRATOR: Strange planets, curious technology, and a fantastic vision of the distant future. Featuring Martin Starr,-
MARTIN: So we're going on day 14. Shuttle still hasn't come.
NARRATOR: - Aparna Nancherla,-
APARNA: The security system provides you with emotional security. You do the rest.
NARRATOR: - Echo Kellum,
ECHO: Can you disconnect me or not?
NARRATOR: -Hari Kondabolu,-
HARI: I'm staying
NARRATOR: From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Geoffrey McGivern.
GEOFFREY: Could you play Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun"?
NARRATOR: It's The Outer Reach: Stories from Beyond. Now available for free at maximumfun.org or anywhere you listen
[Maximum Fun Promos End]
// Maximumfun.org - artist owned, audience supported //
[32:20] [Outtake]
NERMUT/SETH: Um, my most recent title was, uh, Temporary Emergency... Emissarial... Missions… No, Negotiations Missions Dop- Mis- Missions Operations Manager.
C-53/JEREMY: Not so EASY is it, Nermut? A little… challenging to do right EVERY time.
PLECK/ALDEN: Wow, that’s some TOASTY behavior from C-53.
DAR/ALLIE: Wow.
WINSTON: [Singsong] Toasty!