L12: The Host With the Moist [LIVE ft. Jordan Carlos]
The crew receives a dinner party invitation from a very unlikely host. Bargie will always be successful! C-53 drops it like it’s hotdish. AJ just wants a little decency! Dar absorbs very, very friendly fire. What is the sound of Nermut’s one hand clapping? That’s Pleck in the corner. This throwback to Season 4 was freshly recorded LIVE on October 3, 2021 at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York.
And hey, it’s the Maximum Fun Block Party! Welcome, new listeners! And old listeners too. And young. But not too young, because this episode is SEXY. Check out all the great Max Fun shows, and if you’ve helped spread the word about Mission to Zyxx - THANK YOU.
Live show images by Brian Irwin
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SETH: Hey everyone, it's Seth, one of the creators of Mission to Zyxx.
ALLIE: And Allie, another one of the creators of Mission to Zyxx!
SETH: And we are here because it is the MaxFun Block Party, which is an event across this wonderful podcast network with the aim of connecting new listeners with shows that they will love. This week, all the MaxFun shows are publishing special episodes aimed at new people.
ALLIE: If you're one of those new people, welcome! Mission to Zyxx is an improvised sci-fi sitcom following a misfit crew that includes a sentient spaceship who used to be a famous actor-
SETH: -a super-dumb clone trooper-
ALLIE -a know-it-all protocol droid-
SETH: -there's a naive farm boy who could maybe be the savior of the galaxy?
ALLIE: Maybe! I play Dar, a 12-foot-tall, muscle-bound and horny security officer.
SETH: And I play Nermut, who's a 19-inch-tall lizard bird who manages the team very capably. He's kind of striving, let's be honest.
ALLIE: [chipper] No, no, no, he's good. He's good. He does his job well.
SETH: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our episodes are typically recorded in studio and lovingly edited and meticulously sound designed so they sound like a movie, but what you're about to hear is actually our most recent live performance, fully improvised with live voice filters and sound effects featuring beloved guest comedian Jordan Carlos.
ALLIE: And the thing about our live shows is that sometimes people convince friends who've never even heard of Mission to Zyxx to accompany them.
SETH: That's true.
ALLIE: So we designed the live shows to be accessible to newbies and fans alike. That's why we chose it for the block party.
SETH: Right.
ALLIE: An elegant choice, really.
SETH: I know. I think we did a great thing, really, for the community. It's like a, you know, you're welcome is what we're trying to...
ALLIE: Let's take a moment to pat ourselves on the back here.
SETH: Yeah, yeah. You've never heard the show yet, but I'm sure you're already thanking us.
ALLIE: I'm sure you're getting the right impression.
SETH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Totally. So if you're new and you like it, you can check out our whole archive. If you are already a fan, we encourage you to share this episode because as you may or may not know, Maximum Fun is a collection of listener-supported, creator-owned shows. And one of the best ways to lend support is simply by spreading the word to your friends.
ALLIE: Yeah.
SETH: And if you're someone who likes tangible instructions, how about share it with, like the five people you know who are most likely to hear from you and say, “I've never heard of that, but sure, I'll give it a shot.” Tag us. We're at Mission to Zyxx. Tag your friends. We will reply and thank you.
ALLIE: But most importantly, we hope you enjoyed this episode and the Block Party, which has a lot of super fun things that you will want to get involved in and check out.
SETH: There's trivia, there are live streams, there's limited edition merch. They're adding more stuff all the time.
ALLIE: Find out more at MaximumFun.org slash Block Party. They may even add a virtual bouncy house! We'll see.
SETH: We'll see. That's MaximumFun.org slash Block Party. All right. Enjoy the episode. We hope you become a big fan or stay a fan and don't stop being a fan because of it.
ALLIE: Enjoy!
[transition, crowd applauding]
ALDEN: Hi, everybody. How's it going? Welcome. Thank you so much for being here at the Bell House. Our first show in so long. We're so stoked! [audience applauding] Just by a round of applause, is there anyone here who has never listened to the podcast Mission to Zyxx? [sizable applause] Wow. Seriously? That many people? Are we…? [audience shouting] Okay. Two episodes? That's all you need. There's no real, like, continuity or anything, so you're fine. Well, [reading] Mission to Zyxx is a long-form improvised podcast following a group of misfits as they traverse the galaxy in search of bringing peace and prosperity to, you know, the cosmos. That pretty much sums it up, right? You don't really need to know anything else. Cool. If there's anything that you don't follow, feel free to interrupt us. We'll pull over. We'll explain everything. I just want to introduce our intrepid crew. Give a big hand of applause to our sound Rodd, Shane O'Connell. [audience applauds, Shane plays guitar riff] Let's welcome out our cast. First we have the intrepid protocol and diplomatic relations droid, C-53, Jeremy Bent. [audience applauds] We have the enormous security guard turned captain turned security guard again, who when we explain the show to our guests, she refers to the character as Horny Chewbacca. It's Dar, Ally Kokesh! [audience applauds] You might know him as Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy. You might also know him as Temporary Emissarial–
JEREMY: [correcting] EMERGENCY Emissarial-
ALDEN: Negotiations Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy. You might also know him as Bermut Nundaloy, Seth Lind! [audience applauds] Next we have Ship of the Stars, Ship of the Stairs, Holowood starlet turned director, the Bargarean Jade, Moujan Zolfaghari! [audience applauds] And next we have my wife's favorite cast member, you might know him as Beano, you might know him as AJ-2884, [audience applauds] You might know him as the Hand of the Governor of Milch! You might know him as hundreds of other characters in the galaxy. It's AJ, Winston Noel! [audience applauds] You might know him as Intellius Quint Quinn, also the space pimp of the Zank District, IQQ Jordan Carlos! [audience applauds]
JORDAN: Awww, shit. Here we go.
ALDEN: So, we're actually going to present now to you a lost episode from season four. Let's say that this episode takes place somewhere between episodes 405 and 415.
JEREMY: Keep that timeline… loose!
ALDEN: For those of you keeping track at home. Let's get started!
NARRATOR: [intro music plays] It is a time of chaos. Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and, of course, the colossal Allwheat. Which looks like if the sun were goth. Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.
DAR: [singing] I am the captain and nothing will ever change that! I am the captain. I'll be the captain forever, doododoodooo!
BARGIE: [singing] I am Bargie and I'll always be successful. I am Bargie and I'll always be successful!
PLECK: [singing] I am Pleck, and I have a plan! I'm pretty sure it's gonna work out! Doo doo doo doo.
DAR: AJ, that's when you come in. You missed your mark.
PLECK: Yeah, AJ, you gotta get in the circle.
AJ: [upset] Oh, I hate these games!
PLECK: No, they're fun!
AJ: These are like stupid improv games. I hate this shit.
PLECK: No, no. AJ, relax. All we're doing is just sort of recapping what's going on.
AJ: Okay. [singing] I am AJ. I don't really change. I don't experience growth and I'm pretty much the same!
PLECK: Hey, it rhymed. Good job.
DAR: That was good. That was good.
PLECK: All right, C-53, you're next.
DAR: Yeah, get in here, you loader droid.
C-53: The circle is very tight, so if we could expand…
DAR AND PLECK: [groaning]
PLECK: Fine.
C-53: Sorry.
DAR: No, no, it's fine.
C-53: [disgusted] Oh my Rosh, what a cumbersome, uncomfortable frame. I doubt I'll ever be in anything as unlikable as this loader droid frame.
DAR: But to music. To music.
C-53: Right, right! [singing] I am C-53 and I'm not crazy about this loader droid frame! Was that too jazzy?
PLECK: It was catchy. Yeah, I liked it.
DAR: It was really nice.
PLECK: I liked what you did with your forklift arms. You kind of waved them a little like that. That was nice.
C-53: Like this?
PLECK: Yeah, exactly. Very good.
DAR: Yeah. Oh, man.
AJ: How many more of these team building exercises do we have to do, Captain Dar?
C-53: Well, Nermut said we've got to get through another five, right?
DAR: Yeah.
AJ: [angry] Five? Ugh!
DAR: Yeah.
BARGIE: All right, what's the next one? What's the next one?
DAR: All right, we all have to clap all together.
AJ: What?
BARGIE: At the same time.
DAR: Yeah, yeah, but we can't count. You just have to feel it. It's an impulse, you know?
[crew attempts to clap and wildly fails]
PLECK: Ah, I jucked that up.
BARGIE: Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.
AJ: Okay, if I keep clapping, somebody join in.
C-53: Okay, yeah.
PLECK: Okay, all right, yeah. I think that's not really the spirit…
BARGIE: I know another game. I know another game!
DAR: Okay.
BARGIE: Everyone tell me your deepest darkest secret!
PLECK: Uh…
AJ: Which strike team mission do you want me to talk about this time?
PLECK: Uh, AJ, no, actually, I don't want to know any of that.
DAR: Let's go back to clapping.
AJ: I never said I was a role model.
[communicator chimes]
C-53: Oh. Uh, Captain Dar, I'm getting an incoming transmission from whatever our missions operations manager Nermut Bundaloy is being referred to as… at this point in time.
AJ: Is this part of the game? What's happening?
DAR: Oh, that beef between you and Nermut still exists. I see.
C-53: Yeah, well, you know, there were some words exchanged, and I'd rather not give his full title right now.
PLECK: We should probably pick up this call.
C-53: Yeah, we should.
PLECK: Hey, Nermut. What's up?
NERMUT: What was the delay?
PLECK: Uh, we had to clap at the same time. It took a little while.
NERMUT: Okay! Makes sense to me, a lover of team building.
PLECK: Yeah, yeah. You should be here! Hey, do you want to sing a song about your status quo right now?
NERMUT: Oh, sure.
AJ: Wow, he's really going for it.
NERMUT: Yeah. Let me just, uh…
PLECK: Oh, wow. No, you don't have to use the keyboard, Nermut. You don't have to.
NERMUT: Oh, okay. Okay. [singing] Um, they still haven't caught me for killing that guy that everybody loved who makes all the cookies.
AJ: Oh, yeah. Oh, right, yeah.
BARGIE: Wow.
NERMUT: Nightmares every night, nightmares every night! Nightmares every night!
C-53: I mean, technically that's two team buildings at once, because he sang and shared a deep dark secret.
PLECK: That's true. That's a good point.
BARGIE: Good job, Berkin!
C-53: Pretty good.
NERMUT: Yeah. Thank you. Hey, guys. Guess what I called about. It's a mission.
PLECK: Oh, hey. Awesome.
DAR: Okay.
PLECK: Cool.
NERMUT: Remember how we went back to the Zank District and we were chased away by IQQ, who you guys re-sexified?
DAR: Eugh…
AJ: No. Can you elaborate? I mind wiped.
NERMUT: I believe he had reformed his entire planet, but then the sex gun, which was lodged inside Dar, was given to him. He shot at you guys a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot as you were leaving, and you barely lived.
BARGIE: Yeah, I don't expect to ever hear from him ever again.
NERMUT: We're going back!
BARGIE: Hold on, we're going what now?
C-53: Nermut, you've got to be kidding. There's no way IQQ wants to see us again. We got chased off the planet!
NERMUT: Uh, this embossed invitation might say otherwise.
AJ: Whoa.
PLECK: Oh, an invitation to what?
BARGIE: It's an invitation to a dinner party.
NERMUT: Bargie can read from far away. Yeah, Bargie, read it aloud!
BARGIE: Dearest crew of Mission to Zyxx. [laughing] Is that what we’re called?
AJ: That's not what we're called.
PLECK: That's not what we're called! What's a mission to-
AJ: That doesn’t make sense! We're here already IN Zyxx!
C-53: It's not a mission to Zyxx.
PLECK: It's a mission in Zyxx, if anything.
AJ: Doesn’t make any jucking sense!
BARGIE: Dearest crew of Mission to Zyxx, which is located in the Zyxx District under the guidance of Seesu Gundu.
PLECK: Zyxx district?
NERMUT: District?
PLECK: It's a Zyxx quadrant.
BARGIE: [frustrated] I dunno, I'm just reading it!
DAR: She's reading it. She's reading it!
PLECK: No, no, no, I just don't know why IQQ would write that. It just doesn't make any sense!
C-53: He probably went to a cut rate printshop, and they’re gonna…
PLECK: Oh, sure, they may have switched the Ps and Qs, right, sometimes?
C-53: Yeah, sometimes.
BARGIE: Wait, hold on. I have an amazing power in which I can stream in the voice of the person who wrote the letter.
PLECK: Oh, really? Cool.
AJ: Wow, I really hope we get to see this over and over again in the rest of our adventures!
BARGIE: So why don't we hear it according to the way it was written?
PLECK: Yeah, you should do this every time we get a message.
[message plays]
IQQ: Well, I want all of the Mission to Zyxx folks-
AJ: [interrupting] Again, why is-?
PLECK: Very weird way to-
IQQ: To come to the Zank district, not quadrant. It's a common mistake. But lately we've done changed the name. But the game remains the same. Bring something nice for dinner!
PLECK: Hold on, is that- wait, we're getting invited to dinner but we have to provide dinner?
C-53: Wwwait, that's your problem with this invitation?
IQQ: Post script! Just don't come empty-handed!
C-53: Alright.
PLECK: Okay, alright. Oh boy, I don't think I've ever seen such a formal invitation to a potluck before.
C-53: Yeah, Nermut, why do you think IQQ is even inviting us to this thing?
PLECK: Yeah, we can't go to this.
C-53: Yeah, Seesu's running against him for galactic leader.
NERMUT: Well, Seesu got the invitation and she's busy, so she RSVP'd no and it just sort of kicks-
SEESU: Hi, crew, I heard my name.
DAR: Oh, Seesu.
PLECK: Seesu!
SEESU: I’m sorry, just heard my name, I just wanted to chime in. Yes, I'm very busy, but I trust you all to continue the Seesu name in a way that's, um, you know-
AJ: [shouting nervously] Tasteful! Respectful!
SEESU: Exactly, thank you!
AJ: Beautiful!
SEESU: I'm so sorry, Nermut, I-
AJ: Sweet-smelling!
SEESU: Thank you, thank you.
PLECK: AJ, AJ, relax.
C-53: AJ…
AJ: Dignified yet approachable!
C-53: We got it, it came through.
SEESU: Thank you, thank you.
PLECK: Seesu, listen, you gotta understand, the last time we saw IQQ, he tried to murder all of us! The only reason we didn't die was because Dar is capable of handling so much sexual energy!
SEESU: Yeah!
PLECK:They shielded all of us from that attack.
SEESU: OKay! Great! Just don't embarrass me and have so much fun, okay? I'm so busy! I would go if I could, okay, bye bye!
PLECK: No!
AJ: [sweating] Busy and beautiful! Busy and beautiful! Has it been- has it been- she hung up?
[transition]
AJ: Hey do.. Do I look okay?
C-53: Yeah.
AJ: I have my formal armor on.
C-53: It's just your regular armor with, like, gold piping on the edges.
AJ: Yeeah.
C-53: I mean, it looks good.
DAR: It does.
AJ: It's formal.
PLECK: Listen, guys, you know, I know we're about to walk into a pretty, uh, loaded situation, so I just want-
AJ: Lock and loaded!
PLECK: I just want you to know, I've got my wood saber. I will, uh, defend- I'll defend you if I need to!
C-53: Pleck…
AJ: Yeah, stop swinging around.
DAR: Yeah, yeah, we- no one needs to see that.
JASPURR: Are you ready to hatch-to-hatch with me, IQQ's space catamaran?
PLECK: Uh...
BARGIE: Yes!
PLECK: All right. Bargie, let's open the hatch. Listen, everybody, I- I got your backs. We're gonna be all right! Let's just play it cool and, you know, maybe-
C-53: Pleck, I am a protocol and diplomatic relations droid? A formal state dinner? There is nothing that I am better suited-[panicked] Oh my gosh, I just dropped- I dropped the casserole!
PLECK: Oh no! No!
C-53: I don't have fine-
PLECK: That was the one- that was the one rule!
AJ: That was on your arms, and you just sort of, like, somehow they went down.
DAR: Okay, scoop, scoop, scoop back into the–
C-53: It didn't detect a load!
DAR: Oh, scoop, scoop!
PLECK: C-53, you are a loader droid!
JASPURR: Casserole in the hatch! Casserole in the hatch!
PLECK: Oh no!
C-53: Rodd..
AJ: It's still good. It's Garfon casserole! It's still good!
PLECK: C-53, even if you're not in the best protocol frame, carrying something should be your whole thing.
C-53: These forklift arms didn't detect a load! The casserole was too light to register!
SEX ROBOT: Hello there, I am a sex robot. I would like to take you to IQQ’s… having the dinner party.
PLECK: Oh, wow.
C-53: Well, uh, hello.
DAR: Hi. What's the vibe in there? Like, how's it going?
PLECK: Yeah, good question, Captain Dar. That's some a Captain material right there.
SEX ROBOT: As a sex robot, I'm pretty limited in the vibes that I know. I would say it's pretty moist.
PLECK: Wait.
AJ: Is that a vibe?
PLECK: Your only ability to gauge the vibe is a spectrum of moistness?
SEX ROBOT: Yeah.
PLECK: OK.
IQQ: Is that them? Oh, yes! Enter. Enter, please. Enter meeeEEeeyahhh [stopping self] my ship. My ship. My beautiful catamaran.
PLECK: Wow.
AJ: Yeah, it’s very nice.
IQQ: It's like I'm speaking to you generally, but I'm looking at you each in the eye very sexually.
C-53: The eye contact is powerful.
DAR: I am registering that.
IQQ: YeeEEeees. Is that a casserole?
PLECK: Uh, it was. Yeah, it sort of was.
C-53: That's a Garfon casserole, yes.
IQQ: Oh, my.
DAR: It's a deconstructed casserole.
PLECK: Hastily reconstructed.
DAR: Yeah.
IQQ: Can I say something now?
C-53: Yes.
IQQ: I love a deconstructed, hastily reconstructed casserole. I would stick my, you know…
C-53: Sure.
IQQ: All up in it.
PLECK: OK.
C-53: Honestly, that might be the best use for it right now.
AJ: Yeah.
PLECK: Sure.
IQQ: But we should eat it. We should eat it. We should eat it. Yeah.
AJ: [whispering] Does he want to eat the casserole or juck the casserole?
IQQ: I want to eat it. I want to pleasure it.
PLECK: OK.
AJ: Pleasure the casserole?
IQQ: Is that all y'all brought? No dessert?
CREW: Uhhhh.
IQQ: That's all right! We got plenty to lick on and suck on.
PLECK: Ok. All right.
AJ: What?
PLECK: You know, listen, IQQ, I just want to say on behalf of the whole crew, you know, we, you know, I know things sort of ended badly the last time we, yeah, you know, interacted.
AJ: Remember how you wanted to kill us?
IQQ: Uh, let's not bicker and argue about that. You know what I mean? It's like this. We were kids then, you know?
C-53: Maybe two months ago?
PLECK: It was like two months ago.
IQQ: We were kids, right? Is the humidity at a level that's good for all of y'all?
PLECK: Yeah. It's pretty moist in here, I guess.
IQQ: I can put it higher!
JASPURR: The humidity is at 95%.
PLECK: Wow.
IQQ: Yeah, we're going to make it rain for us. But please, but please, have a seat. Have a seat. Have a seat on the table. Have a seat, please.
DAR: This is fun. It's cushions on the ground. Yeah.
IQQ: Yes, yes.
AJ: [upset] Yeah, not formal, because some of us wore, you know, FORMAL armor and feel a little dumb and overdressed, but yeah, let's sit on these cushions!
IQQ: They didn't tell you the vibe? They didn't tell you the vibe before you came?
AJ: Well, now I know the vibe.
C-53: Yeah, all we got was moist…
SEX ROBOT: Very moist.
C-53: Very moist. I'm sorry.
SEX ROBOT: IQQ sat you down in the way that he feels you.
PLECK: Oh, okay, so I'm actually over in the corner of the room and not even at the table.
IQQ: Yeah, yeah, that's good.
PLECK: Okay.
JASPURR: That corner is dry.
C-53: Wow. It's amazing that it's this damp where I am and over by you…
PLECK: Yeah, very dry over here. You know what, I'm fine with it. That's cool. That's fine.
IQQ: Dar, why don't you pull up right next to me in the power position?
DAR: Oh, okay. Scared, but excited. Okay.
IQQ: And everybody else, you know, just find a place.
PLECK: Wait, hold on. Hold on. Dar gets to sit next to you. I have to sit in the corner. Everybody else just does what they want?
IQQ: Yeah.
C-53: Don't RUIN this for me, Pleck!
PLECK: Sorry, sorry.
AJ: Well, I guess, yeah. I mean, normally at a formal occasion, there are table settings, but yeah, great. Let's just all grab a seat like animals! [charges blaster]
PLECK: AJ, calm down.
C-53: Yeah, AJ, that's never going to be appropriate at this dinner.
AJ: My bad.
SEX ROBOT: Also, as you can tell, IQQ has only invited you as a guest, except for one other person!
CARYLL: Hi, I'm Caryll!
PLECK: Hello. Hello, Caryll.
C-53: Hi, Caryll. How do you know IQQ?
CARYLL: Oh, we went to college together.
IQQ: We did, we went to Brown University.
CARYLL: Yeah!
C-53: Yeah.
IQQ: It's a very good school.
PLECK: Wow.
IQQ: Sometimes it's embarrassing if we're in an intergalactic station. We're like, we see other people that went to Brown. We say, oh, a lot of Brown people in here. And it's needle scratch. And people think, is that racial? And we're like, no…
CARYLL: Uhuh!
AJ: Wow.
IQQ: But no secrets between me and Caryll.
CARYLL: No, he knows everything about me.
PLECK: Wow. Well, thanks for being here, I guess? IQQ, you're not involved, but you have a wife and kids, right?
IQQ: Huh? I'm not limited by such bounDDAaaries. I am different! I am uh uh uh uh different, like I said.
DAR: This is why you're in the dry corner.
PLECK: OK, sorry.
IQQ: Look at you all in the dry corner.
AJ: So let me get this straight. We have formal, embossed invitations. One for us. One for Caryll.
CARYLL: That's me!
AJ: And that's it?
IQQ: Well, I just wanted to, you know, break bread. And break, you know, space bread.
DAR: Oh, Caryll! Caryll, did you bring the space bread to the potluck?
IQQ: Yeah, of course. But would you like to know what's on menu?
C-53: Oh, absolutely.
IQQ: Only strong aphrodisiacs.
C-53: Okay!
PLECK: Wow.
IQQ: Oersters. Oh. Yes.
AJ: Oersters?
IQQ: Yeah, oersters. From the nimbus quadrant! The sexiest quadrant to get oersters from.
C-53: I mean, famously, yeah.
IQQ: They're chocolate oersters.
AJ: CHOCOLATE oersters.
C-53: That potent?
IQQ: Very strong. Very strong. And then also chilled, out, just chilled sex pills.
PLECK: Wow.
IQQ: Kind of made that into a nice puree for y'all. And I hope you enjoy that.
AJ: So that's the soup? Is… chopped up sex pills.
C-53: Chilled chopped up sex pills.
DAR: Chilled.
C-53: Chilled pill soup.
IQQ: In the Zank district, that is a delicacy!
[music plays]
DAR: Oh, wow. Okay, what vibe would we say this is?
JASPURR: This is a band called Moist.
AJ: The band is Moist.
PLECK: It's still really dry over here. Are you guys hearing music? Because I can't hear anything.
C-53: IQQ, you made like a cone of silence?
PLECK: I can't hear any music. You guys are all vibing?
DAR: You know, uh… IQQ, we're just going to check out Pleck’s dry corner for just one second. You stay over here on the pillows! Okay. What is going on?
AJ: Yeah, what is going on? Why are there no formal settings?
PLECK: AJ, you got to let that go, buddy.
AJ: Just little placards. That's all I'm asking for so we all know where we sit!
PLECK: I just, you knw-
AJ: Or a chart where it's like, okay, I'm at table seven. But there are not multiple people. There's just Caryll. How is this a formal dinner party?!
DAR: AJ, we only have a limited time for this aside. UhhHH I thought he wanted to kill us?
PLECK: Yeah, I don't know. It seems that maybe he wants something from us.
C-53: Maybe he wants to make some sort of political alliance or, more physical alliance?
DAR: I think it's a physical alliance, yeah.
AJ: Are the oersters the first step and then it's the soup? Like what is the –
PLECK: Why does it matter? Why does it matter?
C-53: What could possibly be the difference?
PLECK: What's the difference?
AJ: It is a difference. If I'm having a chocolate oerster and then I have a sex pill soup, that's going to ruin my palate!
DAR: But if you do it the other way?!
AJ: Well, the other way I'm already pilled up, so it doesn't matter what happens!
PLECK: Pilled up?
C-53: Yeah, but you're having a chilled soup. You're essentially freezing your taste buds and then you're going to eat something?
DAR: Okay.
C-53: You won’t taste it at all!
AJ: I don't know! That's why I asked.
DAR: We will figure this out. But I think one of us needs to corner Caryll. She says she knows everything about IQQ!
PLECK: Oh, good idea. Good idea, yeah.
AJ: Well, if anybody's going to corner it, it should be the guy in the corner.
DAR: I would agree with this.
PLECK: Yeah, good point. Okay, I'll work on Caryll. You guys distract IQQ.
IQQ: These chocolate oersters aren’t going to eat themselves!
DAR: I can handle that! I can haaaandle that.
AJ: So we're doing that first? We're doing that first. Okay, okay!
IQQ: Whatever.
AJ: That's cool!
IQQ: I eat family style, you know what I'm saying?
DAR: How does your family eat chocolate oersters?
IQQ: [hornily] Come and I will show you how! The ways.
AJ: Okay, we'll go. Hey, Caryll.
CARYLL: Yeah?
AJ: It's pretty dry over there. Do you want to see how… dry it is over there?
CARYLL: Oh, sure. I love different sorts of weaaather.
PLECK: Hi, Caryll! Hey-
CARYLL: Hi, I'm Caryll!
PLECK: Hi, Caryll, wow! So you went to, what, Brown University?
CARYLL: I went to Brown University.
PLECK: So is the whole planet, is it like uhh…
CARYLL: [chipper] Be careful! Be careful!
PLECK: Is it like a dirt or a dust planet? Huh?
CARYLL: Be careful. What did you say?
PLECK: I mean, like the geography of the planet. Is it brown?
CARYLL: Uh-huh? [walking away] Well, it was very nice to meet you…
[audience laughs]
C-53: What the… Caryll's already coming back from the dry corner.
PLECK: I didn–
DAR: [baffled] What did Pleck do? What did Pleck DO!?
IQQ: What? What?
AJ: These are good.
IQQ: These are great, right?
AJ: Yeah, these are good!
IQQ: Have another. Have another. Have a sister. Have a brother. Do it.
C-53: IQQ, I must apologize. You know, as a droid, I can't eat, uh, oersters.
IQQ: Okay.
C-53: I will respectfully, uh…
IQQ: Okay. No. Oh, okay. This is like when you invite a vegan to a party! All right.
C-53: Well, it's not a choice.
IQQ: No, it's okay. I mean, wh-w-what can you eat?
C-53: Well, do you have any power?
IQQ: Oh, we got power. We got power. Why don't you just go up to the main deck. All right. And take in the galactic winds! And uh-
C-53: Oh, this is galactic wind-powered catamaran?
IQQ: This is galactic wind-powered catamaran.
C-53: Yeah, I love wind power.
IQQ: Suck those in.
C-53: Okay. Yeah, I'll just be over here, chargi-
IQQ: Yeah, just slate your thirst in the galactic winds.
C-53: [jolting] Whoa, that's a lot of wind power.
IQQ: Yeah.
C-53: [grossed out] It's very salty. It’s really…
IQQ: Anybody else got any food allergies I should be aware of at this point?
[transition]
CARYLL: So, what are these flaps and chutes?
DAR: I'm so glad you asked.
CARYLL: Wow!
DAR: In fact, stand back just a little tip, just a little tad. Okay, okay.
CARYLL: Wow!
DAR: I know.
CARYLL: Now, isn't that fun?
JASPURR: Moisture level increase.
DAR: Yeah. That was bound to happen. Yeah.
CARYLL: Now, I have something similar going on too.
DAR: Oh, just removing your top. Okay, yeah.
CARYLL: Yeah, I just like to make ‘em jingle jangle.
DAR: Okay. I guess, yeah, that could be like...
CARYLL: I have 700 nipples!
DAR: And they are all incredibly erect right now.
IQQ: Is Caryll boring you with her story of having 700 nipples again?
CARYLL: I tell that to everyone! IQQ, I believe it's time for me to introduce to everybody your Jep Talk.
PLECK: Wha?
IQQ: Yes. Yes, it is time.
C-53: I thought this was a dinner party.
IQQ: Well, it's a lot of things.
DAR: But now there's a screen coming down from the ceiling.
CREW: [agreeing noises]
CARYLL: I am IQQ's hype woman. I'm here if you need me. Okay? [laughs] Seven hundred niiipples!
IQQ: Welcome once again to my Jep Talk! [presentation plays] I cannot look at my notes and I only have 12 minutes to connect with you.
AJ: 12 minutes?
IQQ: Thank you, Jep.
PLECK: Is it only 12?
IQQ: Well, probably two and a half.
[laughter]
IQQ: The point is this. Why I've invited you in here today is to… the fact that I want to change the world. I want to upend the way we think about energy. I want to disrupt… disruption.
AJ: I'm interested.
IQQ: Yeah, okay. So...
PLECK: Now you're on board?
IQQ: You get a lot of power from galactic winds. Yes?
C-53: Yeah, it's pretty salty that- I actually got to unplug. It's really starting to clog my ports here.
IQQ: Absolutely. Something that I have worked abundantly in is sex work.
AJ: Wait, what?
PLECK: AJ…
C-53: AJ, this is…
IQQ: You have all been a part of this. A part of my story. You know, like at first I had a wonderful bordello going on and you disrupted that. And then I absolutely had a wonderful society that was built and you disrupted that. And that was built upon former sex workers. But then I thought, what am I doing? What about the power of sex work? So what I thought was we could capture that energy from a John or a sex worker within the the- the- the- the coitus and then capture that and then power cities with it!
DAR: Wow.
PLECK: Okay.
C-53: I'm sorry.
IQQ: Power cities with it.
CARYLL: Hype hype hype hype hype!
IQQ: Thank you.
PLECK: Thank you, Caryll.
C-53: IQQ, you're talking about capturing the heat from... I don't understa-
IQQ: The heat, the passion.
DAR: Oh, perhaps the moisture?
IQQ: As you see, this whole ship is an experiment! Everything around you is powered by sex work!
SEX ROBOT: Would you like some cappuccino?
C-53: [horrified] Oh, Rodd, no.
PLECK: No, I don't think so.
C-53: That's okay.
JASPURR: The salt in that wind was from bodies of sex doers.
C-53: So this wasn't galactic wind powered. All this was sex work power. I've got to discharge my batteries. This feels really weird.
IQQ: Why? Once it's revealed its sex work power, it's immediately... Gross to you. You cringe!
C-53: [offended] Hey, whoa, okay. If there's a prude on this crew, it's Pleck, all right?
IQQ: That's you in the corner.
PLECK: Yeah.
IQQ: Well, what do you think, Pleck? What are your thoughts?
C-53: Yeah, that's you in the spotlight.
[audience laughs]
JASPURR: I must introduce our next speaker here, the Tellurian Dehumidifier.
DAR: Wow.
PLECK: It's hot under this spotlight, but it's a dry heat.
IQQ: You know why? Because that's... [laughs] It's powered by butt stuff, okay?
PLECK: Oh… Not sure how that connects. Maybe I don't get it.
C-53: Yeah, we'll explain later, Pleck.
AJ: Kind of a side note here, but the chilled pill soup is excellent.
PLECK: Really?
IQQ: Thank you. Consomme all the way.
PLECK: Did you say consomme or consummate?
IQQ: [laughs]
[transition]
ALDEN: We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back! Get a drink at the bar and tip a lot! Thank you.
[Alden and Seth walk backstage]
SETH: Dude, great work for the first half, Alden.
ALDEN: Thank you.
SETH: Yeah, as usual, I'm completely unable to tell if Pleck's awkwardness and naivete is the result of commitment to your character or if that is just you. And we built, I guess, built a show around that.
ALDEN: Yeah, thank you so much, Seth. I liked your funny line about bureaucracy.
SETH: Dude, that's Nermut's thing! I wouldn't call it a game in a comedy way, but it’s definitely an interest. So I'm going to totally try to call back the bureaucracy thing in the second half.
ALDEN: I meant to ask you, actually, Seth, where did you get those rad shoes?
SETH: Oh, you mean these Seabees Hawthorne slip-on perforated terracotta suede shoes that I'm wearing right now at this October 3rd Bell House show?
ALDEN: Yes.
SETH: Unaware that they would be featured in an ad read?
ALDEN: Yes, yes. The shoes you're wearing, and this could be proved by looking at any picture we posted on social media about the show!
SETH: Well, I'm glad you asked because I got them at Stitch Fix.
ALDEN: Oh, Stitch Fix!
SETH: Yes.
ALDEN: The oft-recurring and much-appreciated sponsor of Mission to Zyxx!
SETH: That's the one.
ALDEN: Yeah, wow. Well, listen, Seth, you'll never believe this, but I, myself, at this very show, again, provable by looking at pictures of the show, and I'm honestly a little embarrassed to realize this. I'm wearing a wardrobe entirely comprised of items I got at Stitch Fix without realizing it!
SETH: Wow.
ALDEN: This Bixby Nomad floral print shirt.
SETH: Zaggy boys!
ALDEN: Yes. These Mavi straight-fit jeans.
SETH: Nice.
ALDEN: And these sweet red Bixby Nomad vulcanized sneakers.
SETH: Wow, that's dedication.
ALDEN: Yeah. I mean, Stitch Fix knows my style so well, it won't be until a couple weeks from now that I sit down to write a Stitch Fix ad and realize that I wore a completely Stitch Fix outfit tonight because I genuinely like the way it fits and looks.
SETH: Oh, man. I bet that ad is going to be cool. But, you know, do you know that Stitch Fix has a new service that even you may not have tried yet?
ALDEN: Really? A new service? I am suddenly skeptical despite all of the evidence and all of the goodwill they've built up so far. You need to explain it to me.
SETH: You think I might be lying, I'm not! It's called Stitch Fix Freestyle, a shop built just for you.
ALDEN: Wait, wait. For…. me?
SETH: Well, yours is for you. So it's built for any individual is theirs. But yours is for you.
ALDEN: Oh, okay. Yes.
SETH: So yes.
ALDEN: Great. The general, the royal you.
SETH: Is that the—I don't think that's the royal you.
ALDEN: You know what I mean.
SETH: It's the—oh, sure. Yeah. I mean, I guess I do, but I know that's not what—
ALDEN: Everyone. You meaning everyone.
SETH: I know what you mean, and I know that's not it.
ALDEN: Right. Okay.
SETH: So yes. But anyway, Stitch Fix Freestyle is your trusted style destination where you can discover and instantly buy curated items based on your style, Alden, your likes, and your lifestyle.
ALDEN: Style, likes, lifestyle. Zaggy, comfy, and work-from-home podcaster dad, respectively.
SETH: Awesome. I know what respectively means.
ALDEN: Great. Me too!
SETH: So I'm going to nod at that. And Alden, whether you're looking for a brand you already love or to try a new one, at Stitch Fix Freestyle, you can shop hundreds of brands personalized to your size and fit. You is yours. Anyone else is theirs. You do not have to wait for your monthly fix anymore, respectively.
ALDEN: Mmm… I don't know about that.
SETH: I think I nailed it. I think I nailed it. I mean, it's at least as accurate as the royal you.
ALDEN: Okay, sure. Fair enough. All right. Real question, though.
SETH: Yes.
ALDEN: How can I get in on this?
SETH: Glad you asked. Try Stitch Fix Freestyle today by filling out your style quiz at stitchfix.com/Zyxx.
ALDEN: Wow. Thanks, Seth.
SETH: Uh-huh.
ALDEN: Even though, honestly, that URL seems aimed more at someone overhearing this conversation than aimed at me, someone who already uses and loves Stitch Fix, more even than I thought.
SETH: Yeah. Oh, URL, do you mean... Oh, stitchfix.com/Zyxx.
ALDEN: Stitchfix.com/Zyxx. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's the one. You know, should we actually debrief with the rest of the cast about the first part of the show? Because I feel like that's going to maybe come in handy if we kind of...
SETH: That's a good idea, but you know what might be a better idea? Let's talk about Stitch Fix a little more.
ALDEN: Great. Cool. Yeah, I'm in.
SETH: The shoes...
ALDEN: Yep, they're red. Yep. Both are nice.
SETH: Well, I'm talking about mine.
ALDEN: Oh, yes.
SETH: Yours are red.
ALDEN: Yeah.
SETH: Okay, yeah, sure. Your shoes are great, but mine, you have a lot of nice shoes.
ALDEN: Perfect.
SETH: These are my only nice shoes.
ALDEN: [laughing] Okay. So it's not that much of a coincidence you were wearing them….
SETH: No, no.
ALDEN: You ARE wearing them right now.
SETH: If I leave the house, I will have these on right now.
ALDEN: What an endorsement!
SETH: They are my... No, well, that is... I don't know.
ALDEN: So the fix in Stitch Fix is…
SETH: Was that I didn't have shoes. It's fixing that problem.
ALDEN: It's fixing... It's fixing your shoelessness.
[transition, Mark and Dariel are milling around]
MARK: Wow, Dariel. It's so nice to be at a live Mission to Zyxx show!
DARIEL: Yeah, Mark. It's great to see everyone in person. Particularly Alden, with his very cool shirt, pants, and shoes.
MARK: Seth has nice shoes, too. But the rest of his outfit... Oof.
DARIEL: You know, if this were a non-live episode of the show, there would probably be an ad playing right now.
MARK: Oh, yeah. Performed by two lesser-known characters who were in the middle of some other activity and decided to discuss a very specific brand for some reason?
DARIEL: Yeah, yeah. Like, [doing a voice] oh, hey, Broadlocks. Put down that laser wrench and come listen to this sexy audio story from Dipsea.
MARK: Totally. [imitating] You mean the audio app full of short stories designed to turn you on?
DARIEL: Right. [voice] And they'd have some plot shoehorned in, like, they release new content every week, so there's always more to explore, no matter who you're into or what turns you on. Just like, we're turning on this temporal branching locator to find a timeline where Beano is still alive.
MARK: [voice] Well, if you can't find him and you need to wind down, Dipsea also has wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories, and-
BOTH: -soundscapes to help you relax before bed before you drift off!
MARK: Exactly!
DARIEL: We should be writing these ads.
MARK: Yeah.
DARIEL: Seriously, though, did you know that for listeners of Mission toZyxx, Dipsea is offering a free 30-day trial when you go to Dipseastories.com/ZYXX?
MARK: I'd be lying if I said I didn't.
DARIEL: Either way, it's true. 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-A stories dot com/Z-Y-X-X.
MARK: They say that every time, and it still blows me away.
DARIEL: Dipseastories dot com /Z-Y-X-X.
MARK: Shh. They're coming back out.
ALDEN: Welcome back!
[laser blaster]
WINSTON: My bad.
[transition, audience murmuring]
CARYLL: And that’s my other son, Gerald. And that's my daughter, Suzette. And that's my 699th nipple!
AJ: Wow! What a great dinner party, we’ve gone through the entire family tree of the other person here. HMMMM!
PLECK: Uh, IQQ, you know, I just want to say what a great dinner party it's been. Can I actually use the restroom real quick?
IQQ: I don't know! CAN you? [laughing]
AJ: [shouting] Burn!
IQQ: Do you not know how to use the restroom?
C-53: [chuckling] Oh, Pleck, he got your number!
PLECK: No, you're right.
IQQ: No, you shot me out into space. And I'll give you a hard time. You know, no, you'll find it down in the galley. It's fine! Just, um, unzip your pants, please.
PLECK: No, I know how to use the restroom. Thank you.
IQQ: All right. All right.
[Pleck exits and his communicator beeps as he tries to make an outgoing call]
PLECK: Uh, Seesu. Seesu! Nermut. Somebody pick up.
NERMUT: Hello, hello!
PLECK: Nermut.
NERMUT: Yeah.
PLECK: Listen!
NERMUT: I'm trying to clap at the same time as myself.
[audience laughs and then makes sad noises]
PLECK: No, what?
NERMUT: I don't have a, like, I don't have a team, so I'm trying to, I don't know.
PLECK: Nermut, that's, that's so sad, but I have bigger things to talk about.
NERMUT: Okay.
PLECK: I need you to get Seesu.. Something, I don't understand what's happening here on IQQ's ship. Can you get Seesu?
NERMUT: Like, I think if I clap twice, it's two claps. I don't know if that's, if, but they get...
PLECK: Think about it this way, Nermut. If you clap, your left hand's clapping, your right hand's clapping. That's two claps, that's one clap at the same time. You're doing it fine.
NERMUT: I think you're patronizing me.
PLECK: No! All right, fine. Let's go. Ready?
NERMUT: Yep.
[the most uncoordinated clap]
NERMUT: No.
PLECK: There's gotta be a lag!
NERMUT: That's my lunch break.
PLECK: Okay. Can you please get Seesu?
NERMUT: Seesu!
SEESU: Yes, hi, hello, Nermut. Now, Nermut, did you get the, uh, the spreadsheet that I needed?
NERMUT: Yes, I did.
SEESU: Fantastic.
PLECK: [angrily] THIS IS IMPORTANT!
NERMUT: Uh, did you hear the word spreadsheet? This is important, too.
SEESU: Now, are the numbers at the end equal to the numbers in the beginning?
NERMUT: They are so close.
SEESU: Fantastic. Can you double it and send me a new report?
NERMUT: Sure.
[Nermut hangs up the call]
PLECK: Seesu, no NO! Okay, fine. Uh, Bargie. Bargie, come in, Bargie! Bargie!
BARGIE: [singing] Everything's gonna be great for me. I'm gonna be successful. Everything's gonna be fine. There's never gonna be any moment of doubt in my life. Everything's gonna be great!
PLECK: Bargie!
BARGIE: I'm all by myself. There's nobody there. Just being myself. I'm having a good time. Just being myself. Bargie's gonna have a great year!
[audience applauds]
PLECK: Bargie, it's Pleck.
BARGIE: What?
PLECK: Bargie, it's Pleck. I-
BARGIE: Where are you? You're not inside of me. I don't understand.
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: What?
IQQ: You okay in there?
PLECK: Oh! Ye-
IQQ: Did you fall in?
PLECK: No, I'm good. Thank you.
BARGIE: Pleck, is that you? Where are you?
IQQ: Who are you talking to in there?
PLECK: I'll be honest. Everything's going great.
IQQ: What do you mean it's going great in the bathroom?
PLECK: Sorry, I shouldn’t have oversold it. Everything's totally normal.
IQQ: Okay. [chortles]
BARGIE: Pleck?
PLECK: Yes, what? Bargie?
BARGIE: You called me, what?
PLECK: Bargie, listen. I don't know what's going on, but this is the weirdest dinner party I've ever been to. Please, find us!
BARGIE: Oh! You need advice. Bargie's advice for being good at a dinner party. All right, you ready? Get some notes out.
PLECK: What?
BARGIE: All right. Number one, show a little.
PLECK: Show a little what?
BARGIE: You know what I mean.
PLECK: I don't. I have no idea.
BARGIE: Number two, just drink a little more than you usually do.
PLECK: Okay. All right. Thank you, Bargie. I'll put that to good use. Can you please just find us on your radar? Send our coordinates to Seesu. Something's going on. We need to figure out what it is!
BARGIE: Hold on. I got another call. I'll talk to you later!
PLECK: No!
[call disconnects]
IQQ: There you are.
PLECK: Ah!
IQQ: It's kind of cramped down here, but I want to show you something.
PLECK: Me?
IQQ: Yes, you.
PLECK: Uh. Should we get everybody else in here?
IQQ: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just you.
PLECK: Okay, sure.
IQQ: Come to my private quarters.
PLECK: Ugh. Okay.
IQQ: Doo, doo do doo doo! Yeah, okay. What do you think? All satin, everything.
PLECK: This is your...
IQQ: This is my private quarters.
PLECK: Your private quarters, yeah.
IQQ: This is my private quarters. My quarters feel private.
PLECK: Seems great, I don't... The bed's totally round. That's awesome.
IQQ: Yes, it is. It circles within circles like a Jaspurr Jonnz nightmare of sex!
[audience whoops]
IQQ: Now then.
PLECK: I don't... Yeah, I don't…
IQQ: You do! Oh, now you do know. Now you know.
PLECK: I guess I do, yeah. All right, great.
IQQ: I want to show you something that I keep under glass! Beep boop blop boop!
PLECK: Oh, okay. That's pretty cool that you programmed the buttons to make the sound of you saying beep, boop, boop.
IQQ: Yes, I have! But look at this.
PLECK: It's...
IQQ: It's my sex gun.
PLECK: Sex gun.
IQQ: Remember this?
PLECK: Yeah, I do. How could I forget?
IQQ: I keep it at the foot of my bed. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why?
PLECK: Yeah-
IQQ: It's a rhetorical question. I'm going to tell you why.
PLECK: Yes, okay. Tell me. Yes.
IQQ: To show that I don't need it anymore. Yes.
PLECK: Okay, that's at the foot of your bed.
IQQ: It's the foot of my bed. I don't need it anymore! But you know, I keep it there because it's a part of me, but it's no longer controlling me. And do you feel a sense of security now? [audience laughs] That's not at all false!
PLECK: Yeah, I mean, I guess I do. You know what, IQQ? I got to say, a good relationship, sexual otherwise, is built on trust.
IQQ: It is built on trust.
PLECK: And I just want you to know that I, Sugar Cane, trust you, IQQ.
AJ: Hey, uh, I think I just got poisoned?
PLECK: What?
IQQ: What's going on up there?
AJ: My, uh, my suit is giving me some toxicity warning?
IQQ: Oh, let's, you know, let's all go back up to the dinner table, as it were.
PLECK: AJ…
IQQ: There could be certain...
AJ: It started going off after I ate the oersters?
IQQ: Yeah, uh, the chocolate oersters. Did everybody have the chocolate oersters and the consommé?
C-53: [wildly] Uh, well, no, as I said, I'm a droid, so I can't eat either of those things. I have been taking in, you know, I'm rising to the challenge here, and I'm taking in a lot of this sexual energy that you said you're investing in, and it's, I'm really sweaty! And I could, I could use a glass of water, to be honest, and my lower back is very cramped! And I don't know if that's a side effect of the power, but it's, I'm starting to, I feel good, but I feel CRAZY right now.
JASPURR: The droid has been requesting cigarillos. So many cigarillos.
C-53: That would be great. Oh, man, that would really cap this off great.
IQQ: Please, have as many as you like. And by the way, there are only effects, no side effects.
C-53: Okay, well, normal power does not have this many effects, I guess is what I'm saying.
[phone beeps]
CARYLL: IQQ, it's me, Caryll. I just wanted to ask you, when’s dessert?
IQQ: Oh, good question. Time to go to the dessert ship for dessert!
PLECK: There's a dessert ship?
IQQ: We can't possibly eat dessert on my catamaran.
AJ: Oh, yeah. No, a classic dinner party thing of going to a second location!
[audience laughs]
IQQ: I see nothing wrong with a second location.
AJ: Absolutely, I can’t-
DAR: Yeah, and let's just continue to talk about how you've been poisoned while we head on over there.
PLECK: Yeah, hold on, hold on. Hold on a second.
AJ: My arms are…
PLECK: What did you do to AJ? What did y-
IQQ: [laughing] What did I do? What did I do? He's the one who ate the sex pill puree! It's for everybody.
AJ: I ate both courses because THAT is POLITE, I don't understand.
PLECK: AJ, let it go.
AJ: You eat what's put in front of you. That is what you do at a dinner party! And you don't go to a- I'm going numb, I'm going numb.
PLECK: Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
C-53: AJ! I got you, I got you, I got you!
AJ: Oh!
JASPURR: Before you exit me, you should know the name of me, your sentient ship. I am Jaspurr Jonnz. Have fun on the other dessert ship.
IQQ: Dessert, yes. You're going to be DESERTED out here. For this dessert ship is actually a jailed ship!
C-53: That was with one S.
PLECK: OK.
CREW: AH!
DAR: Oh!
IQQ:
AJ: Yes! My revenge is complete. Now, you…
AJ: Am I the only one who ate both courses? Is that why I'm poisoned?
IQQ: I honestly thought all of you ate both courses. Okay, raise your hands if you did not eat both courses.
C-53: AJ, I… I can't eat any courses! I CAN’T EAT ANY COURSES!
AJ: I can't raise my hand!
PLECK: Also, when you said one of the courses was sex pills, I was like, I don't know…
IQQ: Can't you just for once trust me? You know…
PLECK: IQQ, you know, it's hard to trust... You're still holding the sex gun that you said you didn't need anymore.
IQQ: Alright, well... Yes… [charges sex gun]
PLECK: Ah!
IQQ: And now it's all fired up. It's veiny and ready to go.
PLECK: Oh boy.
AJ: I can't move my arms or legs!
DAR: I got you, I got you.
C-53: Nah, just pass him to me-
AJ: No, I don't want casserole guy holding me! I don't want to end up like the casserole!
C-53: You’re not gonna end up like-[tosses casserole] WHOA!
CREW: Whoa!
C-53: Sorry, AJ.
AJ: Ow!
IQQ: Good lord, I still haven't made love to it!
AJ: Wait, to me or the casserole?
DAR: The casserole.
IQQ: I need to make love to that casserole so that my revenge can be complete! In the Zink System. In the Zank System. Starting again because I'm so excited! In the Zank System, no revenge is complete until you've jucked a casserole!
AJ: Wait, so let me get this straight.
IQQ: Yes.
AJ: Just a classic recap here.
IQQ: Yes, I have time.
AJ: So you have lured us to, I don't want to be rude, but a really shitty dinner party.
C-53: Wow.
IQQ: Excuse me?
C-53: For someone who loves following dinner party rules. Yikes. Party foul.
AJ: You served us poison.
IQQ: Yes.
AJ: And then you were going to take us onto a dessert ship where you're going to desert us kind of like in a jail! I just, again, I have been poisoned.
PLECK: Yes, you're right, AJ-
AJ: And we were all going to be poisoned.
PLECK: What did you do to AJ?
IQQ: What didn't I do? I freed him from the bonds of regular food.
AJ: What?
IQQ: I asked you at the beginning, does anybody have any allergies?
C-53: He did ask that.
IQQ: Didn't I say that?
PLECK: You did say that.
IQQ: I did, and no, we just skipped right by. I said, does anybody have any allergies? This was the moment!
AJ: So I would say, poison? I'm allergic to poison?
IQQ: Yes! If you're allergic to sex pufferfish, then say that.
AJ: Sex pufferfish?
IQQ: Sex pufferfish! You squeeze a sex pufferfish into the consummation.
C-53: You usually don't have to go out of the way to say poison is going to be bad for me. Any kind of neurotoxin, I'm allergic to…
IQQ: Get in your cells and hand me that Pyrex dish.
[audience laughs]
C-53: Alright…
IQQ: HURRY.
C-53: IQQ, I will hand you the casserole, but I'll warn you again, my manual dexterity is not what it once was, so you may need to sort of-
[hatch opens and casserole flies out]
CREW AND IQQ: Oh!
IQQ: Into the space vacuum! NOOOO!
PLECK: Get back to the catamaran! Get to the catamaran, quick!
IQQ: [charges sex gun, blasts wildly]
PLECK: No, he's firing a sex gun! Run!
AJ: Dar! You're the only one who can understand the sex gun!
DAR: It's my time to shine.
IQQ: [shouting] Fire, fire! I didn't want to do this to you! Dar, get out of the way! Dar, get out of the way!
DAR: [laughing] Whoo…
[sex gun slows as Dar absorbs the bolts]
C-53: Is it shooting? It's got a rhythm now.
IQQ: I will have my revenge in this life or the next. [fires]
CREW: AH!!!
DAR: [gasping] Let's share a cigarillo.
[transition]
AJ: Wow. Okay, arms are… yep, arms are working again.
PLECK: AJ, how did you survive being poisoned?
AJ: Oh, I have like three livers.
PLECK: What?
AJ: Yeah, I have three livers.
PLECK: Three?
AJ: Yeah, I'm a super soldier. I have three livers.
DAR: Yeah, pretty helpful.
AJ: Everyone's looking like it's weird, but not the weirdest thing that's happened tonight.
PLECK: Listen…
C-53: Ooh, I'm sorry, I'm still I'm just still coming down from all that sexual energy I absorbed on IQQ’s catamaran and it's...
DAR: Yeah, it's really hard not to hit on all of you right now.
BARGIE: Hey, Bargie, how was your day? What did you do all day? I care about you! Woowww!
PLECK: Bargie, we were attacked by a maniac with a sex gun. One of us was poisoned!
AJ: I was poisoned, Bargie.
BARGIE: Yeah, whatever. I got brunch with Sandra and let me tell you, yikes!
PLECK: Bargie, I'm sorry, I do not know who Sandra is.
BARGIE: Sandra's one of my closest friends. We go to brunch every Tuesday.
AJ: Bargie, was it a... how many courses did you have? Was it like a kind of normal flow?
BARGIE: It was like three courses, like general, you know, all of the napkins and everything.
DAR: Did you drink a little more than you-
BARGIE: I drank a little. I showed a little. I had fun! Anyway, I got a letter. I just got a letter, but I don't feel comfortable doing my own voice, so I'd rather do it in the voice of the person who sent it.
PLECK: Oh, Sandra's voice?
BARGIE: No, IQQ.
PLECK: Wait, we have a letter from IQQ?
IQQ: Allow me to deliver it personally as I am on your ship again!
C-53: Oh no!
IQQ: [fires sex gun]
PLECK: Whoa!
IQQ: That's right! Oh, you thought this was the REQUIEM, but let me tell you, the action's still going on!
AJ: That's not usually what happens! Normally, we get a call from Nermut like any time now.
[call beeps]
IQQ: Oh, no! Oh, no!
AJ: No, but the actions done!
IQQ: No, let me tell you what's not going to happen. I'm going to stand by this airlock and y'all are not going to shoot me out. [charges sex gun, airlock opens] Oh, shit!
CREW: Oh! Oh! Oh!
BARGIE: Opening up my hatch! Opening up my hatch!
C-53: You know, that one I feel like, you can't stand by that airlock…
AJ: No, that was a gimme. That was a real gimme.
PLECK: Bargie, thank you for saving our lives again.
BARGIE: What?
C-53: Captain Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Nermut Bundaloy.
DAR: Okay. Heyyyyy Nermy, sorry. Hi Nermut. Hi. Hello.
NERMUT: I'm seeing a lot of just like, it's rare that you can see sexual energy in a ship. But I can see it.
BARGIE: Thank you.
NERMUT: Oh, Bargie’s showing more than she normally is.
C-53: Yeah, she's showing a lot.
NERMUT: Wow.
[beat]
AJ: I got poisoned. I don't know if anybody cares, but it was pretty dicey there for a few minutes.
PLECK: That was pretty, that was pretty intense. Nermut, you missed a lot, especially since I called you and asked you for help and you were in the middle of a spreadsheet conversation!
NERMUT: Oh yeah, let me tell you what happened.
PLECK: No, I don't care, Nermut. I don't care! AJ got poisoned. C-53 got loaded up with sexual energy. Dar got shot countless times with a sex gun, again.
BARGIE: And I had a brunch with Sandra, you know. Yikes! Whoof!
NERMUT: With SANDRA?
DAR: Nermut, I know we have to complete team building.
NERMUT: Sure.
DAR: But if we did trust falls right now, I could not handle it.
NERMUT: Actually, speaking of team building, I have sort of good news, bad news. I have a team. [sighs] That's the good news.
AJ: Wait, wait.
C-53: What?
NERMUT: Obviously you guys, but like locally in the base.
PLECK: You have a base team?
NERMUT: Yeah, it's just me and Dale's son.
[audience gasps]
AJ: Oh, that's the guy we shot and killed, right?
DAR: [normally] Wow, yeah, and just like that, all that sexual energy gone.
C-53: Did he make all those cookies on your desk?
NERMUT: Yeah.
DALE’S SON: [adorably] Nermut, do you remember anything about my dad?
NERMUT: Um, he was, um...
PLECK: Oh wow, Dale's son. Not a grown son. Dale's, uh, toddler.
AJ: You guys should do the deep dark secret team building exercise.
DALE’S SON: I made you something, I hope you don’t mind it... I made you a cookies!
NERMUT: Thanks so much.
PLECK: Nermut, Nermut, listen. A good relationship, sexual otherwise, is all about trust. And Dale Jr. trusts you.
NERMUT: [coughs nervously] You shouldn't.
AJ: Yeah.
DALE’S SON: Wha?
NERMUT: I just, um…
DALE’S SON: Oh, did you do something and you're afraid to admit it?
NERMUT: No, I have… a cookie allergy.
DALE’S SON: Oh!
C-53: Nermut! Nermut, team build. Admit your deepest, darkest secret.
DALE’S SON: [deeper] Yeah, Nermut, do it!
NERMUT: I… am Bermut Nundaloy.
DALE’S SON: Uhuh?
[audience cheers]
NERMUT: Sorry, I have a thing that just cues applause when I say Bermut Nundaloy.
PLECK: Yeah, what was that noise?
AJ: Who?
PLECK: That noise sounded sort of like unearned cheering and applause.
AJ: I think we killed IQQ too.
BARGIE: Well, he left one more letter.
PLECK: Oh, come on!
AJ: One more letter from IQQ?
PLECK: Wait, Bargie! Wait, did he say this after we shot him into space?
BARGIE: Yeah, he's a fast writer.
AJ: Oh, so he's not dead. So he's not dead!
[audience woos]
AJ: Oh yay! It's embossed and everything!
BARGIE: He says it's the moral to the story.
AJ: The moral to the story?
[letter plays]
IQQ: The moral... Uh, where to begin in my letter. First of all, thank you so much for coming to my dinner.
PLECK: That's good, yeah. That’s good etiquette.
AJ: That's a great thing to do.
IQQ: Even though you all brought the casserole from hell, I just want to say, from the bottom of my bottom, the major takeaway from today is you cannot kill an idea. Sex work power now, sex work power forever!
[audience goes wild]
C-53: Now that's earned applause.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: This is C-RED-IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol! Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Jaspurr Jonnz and Nermut Bundaloy were played by Seth Lind. Carryl and Bargie the Ship were played by Moujan Zolfaghari. AJ was played by Winston Noel. IQQ was played by special guest Jordan Carlos! Dar was, or, Captain Dar was played by Allie Kokesh. Sound design by Shane O'Connell! Special guests, this audience. Thank you all again for coming to the show! We'll see you after.
ALDEN: Woo! Thank you so much for coming to the show! We're going to hang out and have a drink with you guys. This was amazing. Thank you again to Jordan Carlos for guesting on the show! Have a great night, stay safe. We love you all, thank you so much!
[Speeder Ride plays out the crowd]
ALLIE: Hey, it's Allie again.
SETH: And Seth.
ALLIE: Thanks so much for listening to the live show. Whether you're here because of the Block Party or a long-time listener, we hope that visualizing a chilled soup made of sex pills was on your list of fun things to think about today.
SETH: Mm. Wow. And as we said, the Block Party is all about connecting listeners with awesome, Max Fun shows you maybe haven't heard yet. So now we just want to shout out a few of our favorites, which you should check out.
ALLIE: Dr. Game Show is a sweet, bonkers, family-friendly show where Jo Firestone and Manolo Moreno play listener-submitted games.
SETH: Regardless of quality or coherence, is how they describe the games that are submitted.
ALLIE: It's amazing.
SETH: I love that show. Fanti is this hilarious and smart celebration of pop culture that the hosts, Tre’Vell Anderson and Jarett Hill, love but also kind of hate, or at least have complicated feelings about. That's Fanti, like fan and anti together.
ALLIE: Yeah, but who doesn't have complicated feelings about the things they love?
SETH: Exactly. That's why the show's good.
ALLIE: Judge John Hodgman, in which, you know, the Honorable John Hodgman presides over cases small and ridiculous.
SETH: Classic. And then there's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, which claims to be the number one podcast for those involved in or just even interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. It's actually this hilariously dry British comedy show. We had the pleasure of meeting and working with its creator, Benjamin Partridge, on a different live show. And the list goes on and on! There's so many great shows.
ALLIE: Check out all the shows at MaximumFun.org.
SETH: And go to MaximumFun.org/BlockParty for all the Block Party stuff you can participate in. And we'll be back in two weeks with a brand new episode, number 512, just for you.
ALLIE: But of course, if you're new to the show, if you listen to about, mmmm, seven episodes a day, you should be all caught up in two weeks.
SETH: That's all you need to do. Have fun.
ALLIE: Bye!
LISA: I'm Lisa Hanawalt.
EMILY: And I'm Emily Heller.
LISA: Nine years ago, we started a podcast to try and learn something new every episode.
EMILY: Things have gone a little off the rails since then. Tune in to hear about…
LISA: …low-stakes neighborhood drama-
EMILY Gardening!
LISA: The sordid, nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle.
EMILY: Hot sauce!
LISA: Addiction to TV and sweaty takes on celebrity culture, and the weirdest, grossest stuff you can find on Wikipedia.org.
EMILY: We'll read all of it no matter how gross.
LISA: There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses.
EMILY: Hosted by us, two horny adult idiots.
LISA: Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all. Every other week on Maximum Fun.
SINGER: Baby Geniuses, tell us something you don’t know!
BENJAMIN: A man was walking along a beach which represented his life. At his feet were two sets of footprints, his and God's. But looking back down the beach, the man could see that in the hardest parts of his life, there was only one set of footprints. So the man said to God, why is there only one set of footprints when times were hard? Where were you? And God replied, my precious child, I was in my car, listening to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is a multi-award winning comedy podcast and you can find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.
MAXIMUM FUN: MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.
MOUJAN: Alright, on the count of three-
SHANE: Oh, do the guitar riff and then everyone will do the song. Da da da da da.
MOUJAN: Oh, we'll do it and then they'll do it. Okay, so get ready. Are you ready?
EVERYONE: Da da da da da da. Kor Balevore!
ALLIE: YES!
SHANE: Too loud. One more time!
SETH: Wait, did you say too loud?
SHANE: Yeah, I gotta turn it down.
JEREMY: [dramatic] Too much power!
MOUJAN: When you're ready?
SETH: Yeah.
EVERYONE: Da da da da da da. Kor Balevore!
MOUJAN: Fantastic.