Episode 113: Dead Subquadrant’s Got Talent [ft. Caitlin Puckett]

The crew must pull out all the stops as they establish relations with a planet no one knew existed. BARGIE hosts. C-53 asks for a re-do. The warm bean is put to use.

+ Episode Transcript

NARRATOR: The period of civil war has ended. The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance. Now, Ambassador Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx.

[intro music]

PLECK: Hey, Dar? DAR: Yeah what’s up, bud?

PLECK: Wha- Did you just call me ‘bud’?

DAR: It’s- [sighs] Don’t make this- don’t do this. PLECK: No [laughs] Just- I just- I’m sorry- DAR: I regret it already- PLECK: You regret calling me ‘bud’? DAR: Yeah, it was casual, I was just trying it out, and now you’ve made it weird.

PLECK: I’m- you know what, Dar, I’m going to hold on to that in my little heart- DAR: Don’t! PLECK: Huh, well what I was gonna ask you is… DAR: Mmhmm PLECK: What are you… Do you have big plans for the Kroons that you took from the moss planet? DAR: What do you mean ‘big plans?’ PLECK: I mean, if I had that many Kroons I would be like, plotting out my next moves, ya know? I feel like you’re the kind of person who… DAR: What would your next moves be if you had all those Kroons? PLECK: Oh man, don’t get me started. DAR: I’m curious. C-53: We are trying to get you started, Ambassador Decksetter. PLECK: First off- mattress. I would definitely buy a mattress. DAR: You’re getting one in the mail. PLECK: Yeah, I mean, am I? BARGIE: He’s not, it already came and I threw it out. PLECK: [laughs] Bargie, come on! BARGIE: I didn’t like it! It didn’t feel good on me. I only want the best top quality things. You know, if I had all those Kroons what I would do? PLECK: What would you do? BARGIE: I’d get softer engines. PLECK: Ooh! BARGIE: 17 more windows. PLECK: Yeah now we’re talking! BARGIE: Legs. PLECK: See, Bargie’s got plans! C-53: Bargie, did you say you would get legs? PLECK: Wait- DAR: Did you say you would get legs? PLECK: I missed that part. BARGIE: I‘d have the longest legs in the galaxy. DAR: Would they be functioning, or would they just be… BARGIE: They would be voluptuous. Every curve, every calf… DAR: So when we would like, touch down on a new planet you would…? BARGIE: Walk around with my sexy little legs. Pleck & DAR: Oooo! BARGIE: Long, long, luscious legs. PLECK: Wow! BARGIE: 79 beautiful buxom, buxom legs. PLECK: Can legs be buxom? C-53: Is a leg buxom? Or is… I thought buxom was a quality of the body as a whole… BARGIE: They are buxom. And I’d get 17 inch heels. But for me that’s very tiny. PLECK: Yeah that’s not that ambitious. C-53: That wouldn’t be that big a structural difference. PLECK: Yeah. BARGIE: Anyway, don’t be boring. PLECK: Okay, well, now I feel- I mean.. [stammers] I wouldn’t get nearly that many legs, extra legs. DAR: Oh please tell us, we’d love to know the limits of your imagination. C-53: After mattress we didn’t hear any additional things you would purchase, Ambassador Decksetter PLECK: Just getting started. Okay, so, mattress. Obviously first one. Trip to Rangus 2, which I’ve always wanted to go. Not allowed, but I think if I had enough Kroons they would let me? And uh, you know I’ve always wanted to see the Capital World, Quantaris. DAR: Okay. C-53: Mattress, and two trips. PLECK: Okay- DAR: Two very unsexy places. PLECK: Okay, fine then- DAR: No, no, no don’t pressure yourself. C-53: Those were the top three things that came to your mind DAR: Yeah. [Beeps and boops of an incoming transmission] C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy. PLECK: Hey, Nermut! NERMUT: Hello! DAR: Nermie! PLECK: What would you do hypothetically with like, a three foot pile of Kroons? DAR: Hypothetically. NERMUT: Oh jeez, I would look up at it… PLECK: Oh right, it’s taller than you. NERMUT: And then I would take some night courses to study for, you know, just to move forward in the career. C-53: You’d continue to work for the Federated Alliance? NERMUT: Yeah. PLECK: Oh, no. C-53:Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, that is a very tame answer to this question. NERMUT: I mean, what can be more exciting than Missions Operations Manager, or Senior Missions Operations Manager, or whatever is above that? DAR: Nermut, if you and I ever get to spend a little alone time together I think I can help you learn what would be a little more exciting than that. NERMUT: Umm.. I’m, sorry. I’m just gonna go off camera for a second. [Steam rising into frame] NERMUT: [Breathy] Yeah Dar, that would be great. Okay, um. PLECK: So is this- Nermut, is this one of those calls where you don’t have anything to tell us? NERMUT: That’s not the kind of call I do! PLECK: Just, lately we’ve been getting a lot of calls- NERMUT: No, you just- DAR: Yeah… PLECK: Just shootin’ the shit with ol’ Nermut. NERMUT: You know, what you’re describing is when you tried to hang up on me. PLECK: Yeah you’re probably right. NERMUT: Okay, so- PLECK: See you next time Nermut! NERMUT: No! [sighs] DAR: Bye Nermut! PLECK: Bye! NERMUT: Do not, you know, you know not to. C-53: Ceasing transmission- NERMUT: What!

[Transmission ends] C-53: He seemed pretty upset. PLECK: Yeah DAR: Yeah. [Beeps and boops of an incoming transmission] C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nermut Bundaloy PLECK: Hey, Nermut! DAR: Nermut, long time no see! NERMUT: I uh, have a mission for you can you believe it? PLECK: Yeah, great! NERMUT: Okay. So, this is kind of wild. When it came through I thought ‘interesting!’. C-53: Is it as wild as what you would do with a three foot stack of Kroons? [Nermut sighs] DAR: Yeah. NERMUT: Alright, so there’s this section of the quadrant B92 sub quadrant? Do you know it? PLECK: No. C-53: I’m familiar with B92 sub quadrant. NERMUT: Great, so as C-53 may know this is what’s known as a dead cell quadrant, right? There’s no reason to go there, there’s no reason to think about it. C-53: It’s true, no recorded nebula, no recorded activity, no life forms, no planets, planetoids. Very little to see. NERMUT: Right, but. There was an autonomous shuttle that was, you know, on a routine trip through here. It has censors, it picked up readings as if there is a planet- C-53: An entire planet? NERMUT: Yes, a planet in this sub quadrant and you are going to check it out. PLECK: Great? NERMUT: Whatever’s on this planet, whatever life forms, they’ve never heard from the Federated Alliance. This is a true amba- PLECK: This is like a really uncharted territory. NERMUT: Yeah, this is a pure ambassadorial mission- DAR: And it doesn’t sound suspicious to anyone? NERMUT: Oh, what do you mean? C-53: An empty sub quadrant now contains an entire planet? NERMUT: Yeah. C-53: Are you aware of how hard it is to miss a planet? [D laughs]

[music]

ROLPHUS TIDDLE: Attention, this is your leader Rolphus Tiddle with a quick news update about our troop movements and victories won. We had a sortie on Q’arf’fenn’, blew up a military magazine from the Federated Alliance. Big victory. For those of you who are moderating the ship Liberty Ding Dong, they do have a Wiffle infestation and it has gone critical. Do not engage, I repeat, do not engage with Liberty Ding Dong. Remember, as my mentor, Rax Relious, once told me: “Rebellions are built on hope. And the advertising dollars for internet based product.” And to that point, I know some of you are thinking, ‘Rolphus, we usually hear you selling a product on this!’ I am a military leader! I am a general, I am not a salesman. But while I’m here, I might as well say that you should follow the show on Instagram and Twitter, and rate review it on iTunes! Tell any rebel friends you have to listen to the show! [Sighs] War is hell. Sometimes I wonder where the general ends and the salesman begins. God dammit what have I become? Rolphus Tiddle over and out.

[music]

PLECK: Guys, this is very exciting. A new planet. Should we get like, a Federated Alliance flag and like -pfff- stick it in. C-53: It’s not quite the planet though, is it? Allow me to magnify the image.

[C-53 magnifies the image of the planet showing a shape with 12 sides] PLECK: Woah, that is angular. C-53: Yes. Typically planets do not have this level of regular polygon shape. So. I am detecting that this planet contains organic life. PLECK: Oh. DAR: Hmm! PLECK: Like, new species? C-53: Not exactly. MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Hey, you guys can just keep going. PLECK: What- DAR: Where did the- PLECK: Who said that. DAR: What?

THE DODECAHEDRON: The dodecahedron over here. DAR: The planet. DODECAHEDRON: Yeah. Well I’m not a planet, I’m a dodecahedron. PLECK: How- are you, you’re talking to us just straight through the…

DODECAHEDRON: I’m speaking through telepathy, but I know the way I do it is boring. PLECK: No, that’s actually really cool! DAR: This is awesome! PLECK: C-53, Bargie, can you hear this? BARGIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. C-53: Yes Ambassador Decksetter, I am receiving audio, but I must admit I am not sure how it’s possible. PLECK: Yeah this is really incredible. Do you- do you have a name? DODECAHELEN: Dodecahelen. PLECK: Your name is Dodecahelen? DODECAHELEN: Go ahead, laugh it up. PLECK: No, that’s a really great name. DODECAHELEN: It’s my given name. DAR: What were your parent’s names? DODECAHELEN: They were 12 polygons. Their names were: EB...Leigh… 2… C-53: This is- PLECK: This is, this is all of the names of all of the polygons? DODECAHELEN: Yeah cause when 12 polygons really like, love one another they come together and boom. PLECK: Wow! Sorry, I interrupted your list of names. DODECAHELEN: It’s okay, I’ll continue. There’s Mallard, there’s 426… C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, uh- DODECAHELEN: Nancy… C-53: This entity may have been birthed in a time when things were new and young, so- DODECAHELEN: Perch-bop… C-53: Names may seem strange and unusual to humans. DODECAHELEN: There’s qor-pah. PLECK: No, these are rad names. DODECAHELEN: Alba, flipper… And that’s it. PLECK: Well, well, what do you do out here? DAR: Yeah, what’s your deal Helen? DODECAHELEN: I’m immortal I mean, you can ask me anything, I’m all knowing. PLECK: That sounds amazing, how long have you been alive? DODECAHELEN: I’ve been alive for the last billion years. DAR & PLECK: Wow! DODECAHELEN: Just to round it up. DAR: How did you just pop up? DODECAHELEN: No, I’ve been here. People have purposely not told their friends about me. I bring everyone down… PLECK: I mean hey, I think you’re really cool. I mean, you’re a 12 sided ball the size of a planet! How many of us can say that about ourselves? So immortality, like, you must have seen just almost everything. DODECAHELEN: Everything. Ask me, I’ve seen it. PLECK: Okay. Uh… DAR: A baskazar made of lasers? DODECAHELEN: Seen it. PLECK: Have you ever been worshipped by a planet because they thought you were a deity? DODECAHELEN: Oodles. PLECK: Many, multiple times. DODECAHELEN: Multiple times. C-53: Have you seen any robot uprising where robots take over a planet and then the robots get corrupt and fall prey themselves to another race of robots? DODECAHELEN: Twice. BARGIE: A ship being in a long term committed relationship with another ship that actually works out? DODECAHELEN: Sorry, the ship works out? As in exercises or that the relationship works out? BARGIE: No, no, the relationship. DODECAHELEN: Because I’ve seen ‘em both. BARGIE: Oh wow! DAR: Okay, what about a dress that was both- DAR & DODECAHELEN: Blue and gold. DAR: But was also- DAR & DODECAHELEN: Brown and white. Yeah. DODECAHELEN: And it led to many deaths.

PLECK: Have you ever seen somebody come out of a black hole? DODECAHELEN: And go back into it? PLECK: I mean sure… DODECAHELEN: Yeah. PLECK: Oh wow. DAR: Uh, what about a pair of pants that- DAR & DODECAHELEN: Four Tellorians can fit into... DAR: even if they’re all distinctive body types! DODECAHELEN: I’ve seen it where they're all facing forward, facing backward, or where two are facing forward two are backward, three are- PLECK: It’s one pair of- C-53: Four Tellorians one pair of pants? PLECK: Simultaneously? DODECAHELEN: It’s a single pair of pants that has eight openings for legs. PLECK: Oh, oh okay. C-53: I’m not sure that’s what Dar was asking about- [Dar laughing] but that sounds very interesting. PLECK: Let’s see, have you ever seen uh… two stars crash into each other but between the two stars was a ship with a bunch of kittens on it? DODECAHELEN: Yeah, I’ve seen that. C-53: That sounds so sad. DODECAHELEN: That was the same day my cat died. DAR: Oh boy. PLECK: Oh dear. C-53: Ambassador Decksetter, why would you bring that up? PLECK: [laughs] Sorry, I just- I felt like that would probably never happen. Dodecahelen, so you’ve seen wars, you’ve seen civilizations rise and fall? DODECAHELEN: Oh, sure. PLECK: Oh. Wow. You’re gonna outlive all of us. DODECAHELEN: I know. I think about that every second of every day about how everyone I encounter is gonna die. You’re just a glimpse of my life. I’m just waiting for death but it’s never gonna come. I mean, I’ve tried to end it. I can’t put myself around a noose- I’m too even. PLECK: Oh, sure. C-53: Yeah. PLECK: That seems like... Is that the first thing you’ve tried? C-53: The rope would just tighten and then remain firm. PLECK: Yeah, but well, I mean Nermut only lives 26 years… Better than that, right? DAR: And you know who Nermut is, so. DODECAHELEN: Yeah, I do. C-53: You actually know who Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy is? DODECAHELEN: I do. He puts out transmissions of himself singing in the cleaning chamber. C-53: I’m sorry, repeat that information please? DODECAHELEN: [slowly] He puts out transmissions that he makes from his cleaning chambers. BARGIE: Do you save these transmissions, can we see this again? DODECAHELEN: I can replay it, lemme just switch to my sixth side.

[Dodecahelen spins to show her sixth side, a large screen] C-53: That’s a big screen. [Screen displays Nermut Bundaloy singing in the cleaning chamber] NERMUT: [singing] This one goes out to the fans on Rangus 1, I hold up my hands, and I hold up my little bird feet, and this one goes out to the folks on Rangus-

[Video ends] PLECK: Okay, I think I get it. DAR: Does he know he’s sending these out? DODECAHELEN: Oh yeah, they’re on purpose. Every day he thinks to himself, ‘is this a good one?’ and he says “Yes.” You see why I wait for death? [sighs] PLECK: Wow. Well, you know, hey, we’re here now! We’re here to just tell you you can be part of the Federated Alliance! C-53: All hail the Federated Alliance. DAR: [sarcastically] All hail. PLECK: Sure, sure, all hail the Federated Alliance- DODECAHELEN: Ehhhh...I mean, I could… But… I dunno… PLECK: Well, Dodecahelen, we could work together. DODECAHELEN: You know, I have experienced basically everything… But. There’s only one thing I can think of I haven’t seen. PLECK: Oh. Well what’s that? DODECAHELEN: A live talent show. PLECK: Wait, that’s the one thing you’ve never seen? DAR: In a billion years? DODECAHELEN: I’ve never seen a live talent show. I can’t fathom the progression, the fever, and the ambience. C-53: Have you just never come close enough to a planet that’s having a live talent show, or wha- how is this possible? DODECAHELEN: I dunno, I’ve just never seen it. If you guys could bring me a talent show… Maybe that could bring a little joy, I’d join your Alliance… PLECK: Uhhhh… DODECAHELEN: It’s the one thing I’m missing out of everything in the universe.

[Beeps and boops of an incoming transmission] C-53: Ambassador Decksetter we have an incoming transmission from a C.L.I.N.T. ship. PLECK: Hello, uh. Hello? [Transmission begins] C.L.I.N.T.: Bargarean Jade, state your alliance code. We’ll shoot you out of the sky, do it now! PLECK: Okay! C.L.I.N.T.: Do it now! PLECK: Alright we’ll transmit it now. C-53: Transmitting code. [beep] C.L.I.N.T.: Alright, that thing checks out.

PLECK: Thanks… C.L.I.N.T.: Listen, I’m here on orders from the council itself. You’re interfacing with this dodecahedron? PLECK: Oh yeah, we’re just kinda getting to know… DAR: Her name is Helen…

DODECAHELEN: Dodecahelen… C.L.I.N.T.: Would you uh… allow us to speak privately for a moment? DODECAHELEN: Yeah. That’s a usual request. PLECK: We’ll be right back. What can I do for you? C.L.I.N.T.: We need to destroy this thing PLECK: Nah, I just, nah I don’t think so. C-53: Seems unnecessary.. C.L.I.N.T.: blow it out of the… DAR: Also it’s immortal PLECK: Yeah I think we’ve established it’s immortal. C.L.I.N.T.: It’s created telepathic contact with the Council of Seven. PLECK: Oh. C.L.I.N.T.: That’s a dangerous connection. We are going to destroy it. C-53: I don’t think that we’re going to be able to do that. C.L.I.N.T. #2: Droid, this baby is souped up, we can blow this thing out of the sky. I don’t know why the other C.L.I.N.T. didn’t tell-

C.L.I.N.T.: was getting to it but you didn’t give me plenty of time… C-53: I understood. But even with your significant fire power I’m not sure you’ll be able to accomplish it.

C.L.I.N.T.: Our ship is armed with Nucleoid Missiles. PLECK: Nucleoid Missiles? DAR: Oh.. boy.. C-53: Oh dear. C.L.I.N.T.: Yeah we’re gonna ‘loid this thing up big time. PLECK: Oh.. C.L.I.N.T.: But the problem is if the surface is so angular and smooth then all of our trajectory seems to just kinda slide right on? But what- what has the dodecahedron requested? DAR: She wanted to see a talent show. C.L.I.N.T.: Alright. What you need to do is complete this talent show, and while you do that we will scan for any weaknesses and devise a plan to blow this dodecahedron up. You guys got some fun stuff? PLECK: Ah, it’s coming together- C.L.I.N.T.: I don’t really care, it was just mainly a pleasantry. Do the talent show! Do it! Or we’ll blow you out of the sky.

PLECK: Okay.

DAR: Okay.

PLECK: This seems like a very high stakes situation for a very low- C.L.I.N.T.: It’s all high stakes dealing with the Council of Seven. There’s a telepathic dodecahedron that's getting in their thoughts. What could be more serious, Ambassador... PLECK: Decksetter. C.L.I.N.T.: Okay. PLECK: We’ll see you later. C.L.I.N.T.: Do it! Over and out.

[Transmission ends] PLECK: Well, uh… [sighs] DAR: Helen?

PLECK: Helen, you still there?

DODECAHELEN: [groans] C-53: That’s neither a yes or a no. DAR: You heard that right? DODECAHELEN: Yeah… I hope they succeed. I wanna die…

DAR: What? C-53: This is an almost ceaselessly grim conversation. PLECK: Dodecahelen I mean surely something is worth living for? DODECAHELEN: A live talent show. One act after another, variety, that’s the last thing that gives me hope… lemme tell ya... DAR: Well.. DODECAHELEN: I’m starting to get excited. Man, this could be it. This could be my ticket to loving life. I hope you guys have talents. DAR: Helen, I’d say with Pleck as our headliner, we are your new hope! PLECK: [grunts] DODECAHELEN: [groans] PLECK: Alright, yeah, you know what. I’m gonna get to work, I kinda gotta go through my whole list of tricks… C-53: Dar, is this wise? DAR: It is incredibly wise. DODECAHELEN: Can’t wait to just make programs. BARGIE: Oh well I’m hosting it, okay.

[music]

BARGIE: Alright let’s get started, queue the music, myself! [laughs] [music] Welcome to the first Annual Mission to Zyxx Talent Show! C-53: We’re gonna do this every year? DODECAHELEN: I’m ready. I got my judges sash on, guys. PLECK: What did you make that out of? DODECAHELEN: Stardust.

PLECK: Oh, cool!

BARGIE: Some of you might know who I am, yes I am the Bargarean Jade, well lets just say space isn’t very huge. Let’s do some monologue jokes, let’s get political. Um.. what does the… Seven Friends, right? Hey, what happens when one of them aren’t friends, huh? Is that the Six Acquaintances? You know? Okay, anyway. Let’s get to our first talent! [music plays] C-53! Bang bang bang!

[C-53 enters the stage] C-53: [Taps the mic] Hello, I am C-53, protocol and diplomatic relations droid aboard the Bargarean Jade. For this talent show I will be performing my world famous talent of reciting pi to 10000 decimals. [Everyone applauds] C-53: Thank you. 3.141592653589793238462643… DAR: Hey, Pleck? PLECK: Mmhmm? DAR: Are you nervous, bud? PLECK: I am really nervous. DAR: You don’t have to be nervous. PLECK: I just… I feel like my whole life has been… I’ve always kind of suspected I didn’t really have anything to offer, this is really putting it into perspective, you know, putting it under a spotlight like literally. DAR: I guess all you can hope for is that those C.L.I.N.T.s figure out how to kill her first so you don’t have to perform. PLECK: No! The other option would be that the thing I do is really cool.

DAR: Yeah, I think you’re really gonna have to hope that they blow up Helen before you have to take the stage. PLECK: Oh, man. C-53:... 32823066… BARGIE: Alright that’s great, that is excellent! Wow! [Scattered applause]

D: Great job, C! C-53: I didn’t even reach the… BARGIE: Up next is Dar! Show off that… skill!

[Dar enters the stage] [Loud microphone feedback] DAR: Alright, so uh, most of you definitely don’t know this about me. Helen, you might know this about me.

DODECAHELEN: I do…

DAR: I am a classically trained dancer. And for tonight I will be doing a dance that I have not done since I was much younger, and it’s a tap dance to “We’re in the Kroons”. [“We’re in the Kroons” begins to play] [Dar starts to tap dance] Lyrics: One, two, three, four. It looks like we’re in the Kroons. One, two, three, four, it looks like we’re in the Kroons. DAR: Shuffle off to Bathkazar [sp?] ha-ta-ta-ta! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [Dar finishes] [C-53 and Pleck enthusiastically clap] PLECK: Dar! That was truly remarkable! DAR: Ah yes, I am a very skilled dancer. PLECK: I would never have guessed that about you, but I am very impressed.

DODECAHELEN: A delight. A hard act to follow. BARGIE: Alright, now- C-53: Bargie. I feel my previous performance did not land the way I intended- [Dar laughs] C-53: Would I be able to demonstrate a different talent? BARGIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s give another go for C-53! [Applause]

[C-53 once again enters the stage] C-53: Thank you. I am C-53, protocol and diplomatic relations droid aboard the Bargarean Jade, and tonight I will be demonstrating my world famous talent of sleight of hand!

[C-53 produces a deck of cards and shuffles them] PLECK: Oh. C-53: Dodecahelen would you pick a card. DODECAHELEN: Certainly.. This one if that’s okay.

[A card floats out of C-53’s hand]

C-53: That’s fine. PLECK: She just telekinetically grabbed a card.

C-53: Okay, remember that card.

DODECAHELEN: I will forever.

C-53: Now Insert it into the deck.

[The card floats back into the deck]

C-53: Is this your card? DODECAHELEN: No..? BARGIE: Great, fantastic! [Scattered applause] C-53: Wait, wait, hold on. I didn’t mean the card in my hand… I meant the card in my cube… DAR: Oh yeah that’s sick! PLECK: Very nice! How did you do that? C-53: How indeed? DODECAHELEN: I do know but it was executed so well. C-53: Thank you very much. DAR: Good job C! BARGIE: Now before we- C-53: Now I will resume reciting pi- Bargie & PLECK: No! No no. PLECK: No, no you don’t have to do that.

BARGIE: Now before we go on to our last act of the evening, why don’t we take a moment to reflect upon those we who we’ve lost this last year with a sad song from my old love, Korran Laclanch [sp?] [crooning music plays]

[a voice begins to list off names, presumably those lost this year]

VOICE: Hill Hill Macaw

Nigel 23

Illy McIlly McIll

Time

Boldar the Big Cat BARGIE: Alright, fantastic! [Applause] C-53: I’d forgotten time died. BARGIE: Alright, now moving on to our final act- [Beeps and boops of incoming transmission] C-53: Bargie, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy. DAR: Oh, perfect timing Nermut! NERMUT: Hey guys, I’m so sorry, I’m not really supposed to do this but I’m so excited to hear about this planet I just had to check in, so… DAR: Well, Nermut… NERMUT: Yeah? PLECK: You just came in time.

NERMUT: Yeah? PLECK: You actually missed a, I mean I would say a heartbreakingly beautiful performance from Dar. DAR: [affirmative] NERMUT: Wow! But wait, you’re performing? BARGIE: [begins to play music] Next up to the stage is Junior Missions.. Whatever his name is! Do a talent, just hurry up. NERMUT: Wait- PLECK: Uh, Nermut? This is Dodecahelen, she is an immortal all knowing, telepathic telekinetic shape? We’re doing a talent show for her DODECAHELEN: I need this… NERMUT: I don’t do any sort of performance… C-53: Nermut, we recently have become aware you do a number of performances vocally in your cleaning chamber. NERMUT: That… is on my private computer… PLECK: I don’t think it’s as private as you.. I mean, it’s government property. NERMUT: [sighs] I use a different screen name… C-53: Your screen name is Bermut Nundaloy? NERMUT: Yes. It’s not my name, it’s unguessable. It’s my name with a different letter on each of the- DAR: We understand what you-

BARGIE: Alright, now on the stage… NERMUT: [sighs] Alright guys, here we go… 1,2,3,4… [music plays] [singing] Got a long speeder ride hop in on my speeder

Gonna ride it, ride it. Gotta long speeder gonna ride this speeder, long time, all night, all night. Speed on this speeder, it’s a ride…[pauses] PLECK: Alright- NERMUT: [continues] Speedin on this speeder, it’s a ride, speedin on my speeder cause I’m Bermut Nundaloy… [ends] C-53: He worked his name into the song PLECK: That’s good, that’s pretty good! Pretty good. NERMUT: Thank you.

[Applause] PLECK: Pretty good stuff. DAR: Nermut! BARGIE: And finally our final act, you know him, you have whatever feelings you wanna feel towards him, uh.. The pink one, Pleck.

[Pleck enters the stage]

[Loud microphone feedback] PLECK: Thank you Bargie for such a uh... introduction that was for me. Ladies and gentlemen, you see before you… A glass of filtered water from Bargie’s refrigerator.

[Pleck holds aloft a glass of water] C-53 can you tell me what the temperature of this water is? C-53: Indeed, it is 43 degrees.

PLECK: 43 degrees… That’s quite cold by anyone's measurement C-53: Well… Not exactly-

DAR: No.. Okay. PLECK: Until ladies and gentleman, until I deposit a very special item into this water. DAR: What is it?

[Pleck holds out the Warm Bean] PLECK: This is a moderately large, fairly warm bean… that I have procured from a magical world!

DAR: Oh, boy. PLECK: I shall put the bean in the cold water. C-53: Uh… Ambassador Decksetter I don’t know if we should put- PLECK: Any other bean would not have an effect on the temperature of the water! But this bean… Maybe it’s a heat whose source none can name… Putting the bean in the water… [Pleck drops the bean into the glass of water] C-53: I really don’t think this is a good idea. DODECAHELEN: I don't know what will happen. this is the most exciting moment of my life… [The water begins to boil and hiss] C-53: It shouldn’t be bubbling like that… the bean is not hot enough to cause the water to boil… NERMUT: The relic is bubbling. C-53: Right, but the bean itself is below boiling, it shouldn’t make the water boil… what? PLECK: While I wait for the bean to do its little trick... You Miss, the large deity floating in space. DODECAHELEN: Yeah? PLECK: Where are you from? DODECAHELEN: Here?? PLECK: Uh… BARGIE: This is not a talent, this is… you’re just talking to people PLECK: It’s called crowd work. You here on a date? DODECAHELEN: No.. you know this…

C-53: Ambassador Decksetter... DAR: That was mean! PLECK: No- I just- DODECAHELEN: I’ve always been alone. PLECK: Alright, alright, alright. C-53. C-53: Yes. PLECK: Keep in mind ladies and gentleman, his restraining bolt prevents him from telling a lie.

[C-53 sighs] PLECK: C-53 can you tell me the temperature of this glass of water C-53: The water is now 271 degrees, although the bean remains much cooler than that. PLECK: Uh-huh. And C-53, as we all know, water boils at 212 degrees. C-53: That is correct. PLECK: How is this possible? A magician never tells. NERMUT: Isn’t this technically a talent of the bean? DAR: It is the talent of the bean.

BARGIE: Wow! Thank you very much... Pleck Decksetter! DAR: Give it up for the bean! BARGIE: The bean! [Everyone applauds] PLECK: I am merely the bean’s keeper, I make no claims to have the powers of the bean, I just showcase its abilities C-53: Bean’s Keeper Decksetter, I don’t know if this was a great idea. That relic was entrusted to us and it’s protection is essential. BARGIE: Also, I can feel it starting to crack. PLECK: Okay, you know what, I’m gonna take this bean out of this water… We’ve made our point. [Pleck dumps the water out on the floor] NERMUT: I don’t know how else to tell you to ship me the bean. I’ve said it literally, I’ve said it- PLECK: Well now that it’s maybe won me this talent show, I have no use for it! You can have it, sir. C-53: Dodecahelen who is the winner of the talent show? BARGIE: That is my job. C-53: Oh I’m sorry. I’m terribly sorry. BARGIE: This is my talent, right? My talent is hosting! DAR: Hosting! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

C-53: Of course.

BARGIE: Hey, who won?

C-53: I think my version was a little bit diplomatic, but... DODECAHELEN: There’s a surprise guest… It’s me… PLECK: What! DAR: This is a surprise! DODECAHELEN: My schtick is I do poetry with my ventriloquist dummy.. It’s a cube… So get ready, buckle up. NERMUT: I don’t actually have a buckle. DAR: Buckle up, Nermut. DODECAHELEN: This is titled… C-53: [aside] It’s actually not necessary for you to find a buckle NERMUT: Do I find a buckle or not? DAR: You have to find a buckle. DODECAHELEN: You know what, forget it… Everyone: No, no, no, no!!! NERMUT: Dodecahelen, please tell us your ventriloquist poem. DAR: Please, we need to see something better than the previous act otherwise that’s the one the show ends on. DODECAHELEN: Okay.. PLECK: I raised water above its boiling point… DAR: Shhh! The bean did. DODECAHELEN: Nevermind… Everyone: No, no, no, no!!! DAR: We’re so sorry! NERMUT: Please, please, please! C-53: We will remain silent. DODECAHELEN: Okay, let me just get Cubie here…

[Dodecahelen produces a large cube] DAR: That’s a cube. DODECAHELEN: Alright, the title of this poem is, ‘12 Days, 12 Wishes, 10 Months’ NERMUT: Twist DODECAHELEN: As I spin I think of you, mom. As I lie flat I think of you, second dimension.

Cubie: As I do this, I think of all the galaxy that have come and gone. I’m Cubie! C-53: That’s very good PLECK: You can’t even see her eleventh side moving at all. DODECAHELEN: I’m not done. C-53: I’m sorry. DODECAHELEN: Boom. This is who I am. I go down, I go down, I go down. Splash! Cubie: And that’s a wish! DODECAHELEN: Get ready, get on your feet, this girl’s about to beat one wing, one flipper, too knives. Cubie: Cubie is trying it on for size! Everyone: Heeyyy!!

[Everyone applauds] PLECK: Cubie is so jaunty compared to your normal attitude DODECAHELEN: Cubie’s a star NERMUT: That was amazing DAR: The both of you were perfect DODECAHELEN: You think so? C-53: The imagery of that poem was very unsettling. DODECAHELEN: Thank you…? BARGIE: Okay but who won? DODECAHELEN: Cubie’s the winner… Cubie: Hooray! DAR: Alright, we all agree! Great job Cubie! [Everyone applauds] BARGIE: And now Cubie gets to do his winner’s speech! To the stage, Cubie! Cubie: Well, what’s there to say? What a great day, lot of great talent we saw. Super fun! Bargarean Jade, what an honor it was to have you here. BARGIE: Aw, it was an honor to be here! I haven’t hosted since the Ku Ku awards. Cubie: You wouldn’t know it. C-53, man. That pi was so delicious! C-53: [laughs] Excellent joke, Cubie. Cubie: And Dar, I’ll say this. I was lookin’ and I could see tears going down all 12 sides of Dodecahelen during that dance.

DAR: Oh, thank you very much. Hadn’t danced in a long time and I forgot how it makes me feel. Cube: And Nermut Bundaloy? NERMUT: Yeah. Cubie: Wow. What a song! Really could feel the speed of the speeder in that song. NERMUT: Great, you can subscribe to my channel if you want.. Cubie: Don’t promo this right now. Ambassador Decksetter, what can we say? The bean did most of the work. But the real honor goes to Dodecahelen. What an incredible poem. DODECAHELEN: Oh, thank you Cubie. And I couldn’t have done it without Cubie right here. Cubie: [laughs] Hey, wait. Looks like there’s two glowing points coming toward us.

[Two Nucleoid Missles head toward Dodecahelen] C-53: Uh, Dodecahelen, you may wish to vacate this sector as fast as you can. Cubie: Uh, don’t worry. She’s turning them around with her psychic power.

[The missiles turn and begin to head back to the C.L.I.N.T. ship] Cubie: And they’re going back to the point of origin… [The ship explodes in a fiery inferno] And that ship has exploded! Everyone: Wow! C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy you may have some explaining to do back at headquarters. NERMUT: Oh.. PLECK: We may have just- DAR: That was a C.L.I.N.T. ship. NERMUT: Dodecahelen did you just explode a C.L.I.N.T. ship? DODECAHELEN: I did…? [Nermut sighs] DODECAHELEN: They used them against me, and today is the first day I’ve felt good about myself. This is why I needed a talent show. NERMUT: Dodecahelen, can I just ask, I mean it’s amazing because it seems like when you were speaking through Cubie you have such a verve for life and so much optimism and pazaz. What if you could just channel that when you are you? DODECAHELEN: Yeah! Cubie was in me all along. I feel great! I feel like I can do anything. I feel I can spin…

[Dodecahelen begins to spin quickly] C-53: Dodecahelen is moving very fast for a celestial body. We are being pulled in her gravitational wake. PLECK: Bargie, back up, back up, we’re too close. BARGIE: Boom boom!

[Dodecahelen spins faster] DODECAHELEN: I’m bursting with confidence! C-53: She’s changing shape. [Dodecahelen morphs, forming two legs]

C-53: She’s… grown legs. BARGIE: What!? DAR: Oh, with little 17 inch heels! BARGIE: Woah!! DODECAHELEN: Oh look at these get away sticks, I feel great! C-53: They do look fabulous DAR: They really do! BARGIE: They look buxom! C-53: I don’t know if I agree with the usage… DODECAHELEN: They do! They’re buxom!

[music plays]

NERMUT: Dodecahelen is now a member of the Federated Alliance? PLECK: Yeah, we got one! C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, I must say your skills dealing with Dodecahelen were not insignificant NERMUT: You really think so? PLECK: Yeah you really turned her around! NERMUT: What do you mean? C-53: You connected with her on a very deep level. DAR: Yeah, it was really sweet Nermut. NERMUT: You mean… Did I do diplomacy? DAR: You really did! PLECK: I think you really did do diplomacy, Nermut! NERMUT: [laughs] Wow, I mean I was just really feeling it. I was going with the flow. And… PLECK: I mean she did kill C.L.I.N.T.s. NERMUT: Oh god… C-53: She incinerated a division of C.L.I.N.T.s. NERMUT: A very win lose, wow. C-53: At least a thousand C.L.I.N.T.s were on that ship. NERMUT: A THOUSAND? C-53: It was one of the large C.L.I.N.T. cruisers… PLECK: Oof. NERMUT: The only consolation is that as they’re dying they’re probably really happy they watched the other ones die. C-53: That might give them some small satisfaction, it’s true. NERMUT: Anyway. Well you know what, I think whatever’s coming down on me to have just gotten to be in here in the mix with you guys… PLECK: No it was good to have you on board for a mission, you know? NERMUT: Yeah. Pleck, Dar, Bargie, C… and Nermut. PLECK: Uh… yeah! BARGIE: Those are our names. Pleck & DAR: Those are our names. NERMUT: I’m worried about the bean. C-53: We probably should not have gotten that wet, or that hot. PLECK: Mm. BARGIE: It’s still cracking.

[The bean cracks] NERMUT: What!? DAR: We’ll put it in transit and you’ll get to see it for yourself NERMUT: Yes. Just send it, okay? We can probably fix it. We’ll glue it.

C-53: We shall send the bean.

NERMUT: What’s different about the other… You told me you’ll send the bean other times, why is this different than the other times you didn’t send the bean. DAR: It’s no different. NERMUT: Wait- Dar, if it’s no different that means you’re not gonna send the bean. DAR: It was so great talking to you Nermut! NERMUT: I know you’re not gonna send the bean. So send it. PLECK: Great talking with you Nermut. [Nermut sighs]

[Transmission ends]

C-53: We’re not sending the bean I assume. DAR: Ugh, no. No, no, no. That would be really inconvenient for all of us. PLECK: It’s cracked! We can’t send a cracked bean.

C-53: Very well. Then I shall resume by recitation. 3066470938… DAR: I’m sorry, I don’t really understand how this is related to what we were just talking about… C-53: ...5058… Just thought I was particularly good at it. PLECK: You are very good. DAR: You are very good at it. BARGIE: I didn’t get to do my talent.

DAR: What’s your talent? BARGIE:... 7867.. I’m just naming numbers. That a talent, just naming the number of ex’s I’ve had! Badda bing badda boom ba doom doo doom!

[outro music]

C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5 credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent

Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh

Bargie the Ship was played by Moujan Zolfaghari

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind

Clone Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers were played by Winston Noel

Dodecahelen was played by special guest Caitlin Puckett

Caitlin performs with Ice Cold Bev at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York.

You can follow her on instagram @caitipuckett

Mission to Zyxx is recorded at Braund Studios in Greenwood, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O’Connell

This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell

Music by Brendan Ryan

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley

Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz

Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by AudioBoom. Thanks, AudioBoom!

Have you noticed a critical error in our canon? Send an email to crew@missiontozyxx.space